22 November 2003/Transcript

Currently in queue for the Transcribing Task Force.

(16:00) SM: Yeah.

KP: D’y’know what I mean, I can’t just sit here, and, take it and that.

SM: Sure. No. No.

(pause)

RG: I mean … we’re all mates.

SM: Yeah. (whispers) Just um …

RG: W—I mean – I was mistaken for Johnny Vegas. Steve’s got a story about that, if you wanna, have a go at me –

SM: Well, you, someone just thought you were a fat man with a beard, which is true.

RG: Well don’t have a go at me ‘cause he said you looked –

SM: Well, you started it.

RG: No I didn’t! No,

SM: Yeah you did.

RG: No I didn’t!

SM: You were milkin’ it. You were eggin’ him on.

RG: I was laughing,

SM: You were eggin’ him on!

Ricky laughs

RG: I sorta was.

SM: Yeah.

RG: But, let’s not … you know …

SM: Oooh. It’s a good job you got lots of goodmates like Jonathan Ross you can go hang out with. And don’t need other friends, people who’ve helped you in your CAREER.

RG: He’s – he’s a good lookin’ bloke, innhe, Jonathan Ross? KP: He’s a good lookin’ fella.

RG: Play a record.

song

RG: Out of Time, by Blur. Lucky we’re not out of time – got another hour twenty-five to go.

SM: He-hee!

RG: So it’s not over yet, on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, and Karl Pilkington.

SM: We’ve had quite a lot of emails, as ever, Rick.

RG: It’s a much-listened-to show!

SM: I should just say, we’re very lazy people, and we rarely reply, or read out the emails, but

RG: I never read the emails,

SM: Absolutely never read them

RG: So I rely on, if I haven’t replied to something, all my mail, Steve opens my mail and reads my emails, so if I haven’t replied, it’s just ‘cause he hasn’t passed it on to me.

SM: Yeah

RG: OK.

SM: Um .. but I haven’t passed it on to you ‘cause I know you’ll never reply.

RG: Sure.

SM: I’m just cuttin’ out … But listen to this, just want to say, thanks for the emails. We do read some of ‘em and we appreciate the fact people send in jokes and ..

RG: Oh, I appreciate it! I love it.

SM: Ho! But, uh,

RG: Just as long as I don’t have to do anything towards it.

SM: Sure. We got an email from Jack saying he missed the last two week’s shows, has he missed anything?

RG: Not really.

SM: No.

RG: No, it’s the same stuff,

SM: Same old rubbish.

RG: I think Karl, last week Karl was havin’ a go at uh – Chinese people not agin’ well, he had a go at the gays, and, he came up with a ludicrous story about a monkey that was impossible.

SM: Yeah, he …

RG: So I don’t think Jack’s missed much!

Steve laughs

SM: No, no.

RG: Go on.

SM: Uh, we’ve just had an email from the Pringles people.

RG: Oh, they uh, right. Good. Because it’s finally started to happen. I hear these stories about people gettin’ given cars, and Armani suits, and trips abroad, and we haven’t had no- but finally, people are starting to, you know, realize what we’re doing, our impact on society,

SM: Yeah.

RG: And we got a whole box of Pringles sent to us. Not one of those little tubes! The proper tubes – the footlong tubs.

Steve laughs

RG: So – what, what did they say?

SM: Well the Pringles said-

RG: They want ‘em back?

SM: No, no, they’ve said they like the show, and if you want more Pringles, give ‘em a call, and they’ll send you –

RG: I want more Pringles. I bloody love Pringles.

SM: Yeah.

RG: Pringles are grea—the thing about Pringles is, um, they, they’re morish, right, but I’m, how would I put it, you know the, the sort of thing, when you open, when I open them,

SM: Yeah,

RG: And by that, I – when I pop,

SM: Right.

RG: I have to, well, OK, how can I put this … when I pop, I can’t stop.

SM: What’d’ya mean? I don’t—

RG: Well, when I pop, when I pop them open, I can’t stop eating them –

SM: Right, when you pop you can’t stop.

RG: Yeah.

SM: Yeah. I think that’s ‘cause of the chemicals.

Ricky laughs

SM: I think that might be the reason.

RG: But they’re good---

SM: They’re good chemicals. They’re the best chemicals.

RG: Pringle chemicals --

SM: They’re not bad chemicals, like you’d use in chemical war.

RG: -- are lovely. So YES, I want some more Pringles. What else did they --

SM: So more, more Pringles. It’s interesting, actually, that you were sayin’, that other people, you know, like Kylie I’d imagine would be given sort of, maybe sexy underwear, Robbie Williams might get the Armani suits, you get sent the crisps.

Ricky laughs

RG: Yeah, yeah.

SM: Which seems appropriate. Yeah.

RG: But it’s nice to be sent anything, innit.

SM: I um,

RG: Go on.

SM: Talkin’ of Pringles, I was on the Finchley Road tube station, on my way in –

RG: The thing with Pringles, they’re ---

SM: Well, I’ll tell you a job that I don’t like,

RG: What?

SM: I wouldn’t want be doing, the, the woman, there’s a little woman, who’s sits in a little snack, stall, on the Finchley Road tube station,

RG: Yeah,

SM: And, I don’t know how to describe it really, she is surrounded by snacks. She can’t move for snacks. It’s like --

RG: Is it like American Beauty, but with, with uh, different –

SM: Not dissimilar to that, it’s a little hut, on the station,

Ricky laughs

SM: And it’s like, if you go to the seaside, you can put your head thru one of those those cardboard cut-outs and it looks like you’re a big fat person or whatever,

RG: Yeah,

SM: And you can have your photo taken. It’s like an equivalent of that, but it’s just snacks, everywhere. She’s got bananas up to her chin,

Ricky laughs

SM: She’s got chocolate, comin’ up to her eyes,

Ricky laughs

SM: Crisps on the side of her, she can’t move! She can’t do 360 degrees! She’s like packed in there, I don’t think, I don’t know how she gets in there, of a morning -

RG: I think they put her in there first, and they’re ‘OK, pour in the bananas –‘

SM: Yeah.

RG: (Stammers) ‘Pour in the nuts,’ and they just -

SM: She has 2 hours of makeup before,

RG: Yeah, exactly.

SM: They’re dressin’ her in there. ‘Cause I’ll ask for somethin’ from the fridge and she cannot turn her head to see. She has to go by feel alone, just feel the fridge.

Ricky laughs

SM: And get stuff out and pass it,

Ricky laughs

SM: And often I’ll say ‘That’s not what I wanted,’ but she can’t, you’ve got to let her off – it’s extraordinary! But there’s no music playing, nothing—

RG: Does she have to sell her way out of it?

Steve laughs

SM: Exactly!

RG: I mean, if it’s a slow day, she’s stuck there till the next day!

SM: Yeah! It’s like a world-breaking attempt.

Ricky laughs

RG: Yeah. Oh, dear! That’s Finchley Road, so if you –

SM: Yeah! If you’re on Finchley Road, or just wanna pop down there, have a look at the Snack Woman, ‘cause it is, uh,

RG: How does she get refills though?

SM: I dunno how it works. I dunno how she goes to the toilet, or eats, I don’t know what she does.

RG: Yeah.

SM: But uh, God bless her.

RG: So that’s one of the jobs you wouldn’t have.

SM: That’s jobs I would not like. Yeah.

RG: I’ve always worried about workin’ in one of those big photo copying places.

SM: Sure.

RG: ‘Cause, that’s constant taste of toner.

SM: Yeah.

RG: Y’know’w’I mean, it’s just so dry, and, just imagine goin’ to work with a hangover, 8 hours in that sort of –

SM: It’s those jobs where, what’s the best that can happen? That day, the photo copyin’ shop,

Ricky and Steve laugh

SM: I mean, what’s the best that --

RG: Well – they would have interesting things, like they, you know, people goin’ and photocopyin’ –

SM: Porn – porno mags.

Ricky laughs

RG: ‘Can I have 30 copies of my arse? I couldn’t make it to the staff party –‘

SM: Yeah, yeah

RG: ‘I was wonderin’ if I could do that in here. ‘ Yeah. Karl, what job wouldn’t you want to do. Well, any job. You’re a lazy fff-

KP: You’re jokin’ aren’t ya. I’ve done loads of stuff. This -- I’m, I’m quite happy now, doin’ what I’m doin’.

RG: Yeah. You look happy.

SM: You sound happy.

RG: Yeah, calm down. You on drugs? Are you on E?

Steve laughs

KP: I’m all right! We’ve won an’ that. I’m happy for them, happy for them.

RG: Yeah. What’d’ya mean, happy for them? We are England. Happy for US. Yeah. I mean we didn’t play, I did very little towards it. It was mainly Johnny Wilkerson!

SM: No, that should be – switchin’ on the TV was about as much as I did –

Ricky laughs

RG: Exactly! And shoutin’ COME ON!

Steve laughs

KP: Talkin’ about jobs an’ that, though, I was readin’ the other day, about rubbish jobs people have

RG: (Breathes in) I haven’t got time. I just get on with it. I’m like Squiddly Diddly, fingers in pies, different jobs, go on.

KP: Um, d’ya’ know – Iva the Terrible?

RG: Ivan.

KP: He uh –

Ricky laughs

RG: Yeah – this Russian – yeah, that was the Welsh fella! Who was, who was bloody awful, but not as bad as his Russian cousin, Ivan. Go on.

KP: He uh – he had a fella doin’ some work for him, right, this fella built his house, uh, after he was done, right, the Terrible fella was like –

Ricky laughs

RG: Terrible fella, Ivan.

KP: He’s going, ‘Aw, it’s briliant. You’ve done a … good job there.’

RG: Yeah.

KP: ‘I don’t want you to build another one like that.’ Took his eyes out. Stopped him makin’ an house, like that.

SM: Blimey!

KP: That’s bad, innit.

RG: Why – why didn’t he take away his trowel? Then he coulda seen, but he couldn’ta built a house, without – without a trowel. You can’t build a house without a trowel.

KP: Yeah.

RG: I mean, you’d think –

SM: I --- I suppose he prob’ly later thought that. Once he’d been nicknamed Ivan the Terrible.

RG: Yeah, yeah –

SM: He’d go ‘Why? Why?’ ‘’Cause you gouge people’s eyes out!’

RG: ‘Yeah, but I don’t want you buildin’ another house!’

SM: ‘I know, but –‘

RG: ‘Take his trowel away! What will happen then? Ivan the Crafty, at most! Ivan the jealous, you know, Ivan the spoiled brat, but – ‘

Steve laughs

RG: ‘But gouge someone’s eyes – that is bloody terrible! I’m surprised you’re not called Ivan the C--- D’ya’ know what I mean?’

SM: Yeah! You’re gonna go down in history like with Vlad the Impaler!

RG: Yeah!

SM: He’s mostly known for impaling people!

RG: Yeah! He did a of other stuff,

SM: Yeah, he did a load of great charity work, he did – it’s not remembered!

RG: Impaling is the thing, that’s, really,

SM: Yeah!

RG: Gone down in history!

Steve laughs

RG: When were you readin’ about Ivan the Terrible? Or IVA the Terrible, as the, the thing you remembered from this, uh, imformative article.

KP: No, no, it was just little, bits like that, talkin’ about him, there was a thing about, someone who worked for that, that fella who painted the ceiling –

RG: Sistine Chapel.

KP: Yeah. Yeah … a woman who worked for him, in his house. And um …

RG: I LOVE how you assimilate information, when it’s just bordering on the academic, or just the interesting and true. It’s wonderful! Iva the Terrible, gouged someone’s eyes out which built him a house. That fella who painted that ceiling,

Steve laughs

RG: Had a woman work for him. Imagine if you wrote that down on an essay! Imagine if you wrote that in a school essay!

SM: Well, you’d probably end up with not, not getting’ a grade!

RG: Or, or thinkin’ you’d turned up to more than you had!

SM: Anyway – the woman who lived with –

RG: Yeah. Go on, the woman who lived in a shoe.

KP: Yeah, there was this woman who, who lived with him. And uh… she’d right, go out and do all the shoppin’ an’ that,

SM: Yeah.

KP: Um … because she couldn’t read or write, he used to have to draw everything he wanted.

SM: Why couldn’t he just tell ‘er?

RG: (Stammers) No – wait. That’s an excellent point. Could she talk?

KP: Yeah, but if it’s a big list an’ that, loads of different colored paints and stuff,

SM: Well why couldn’t she draw, draw on a piece of paper, why’d have have to do it?

KP: ‘Cause he’s a better drawer, innhe?

Ricky laughs

SM: That’s the point! That’s it! We were just lookin’ for the logic in the story, and you found it!

RG: Play a record

Ricky laughs

RG: He’s a better drawer!

song

RG: I Don’t Owe You Anything, by the Smiths. On Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl: over to you. This is the, uh, the time where we play, well, the world-famous quiz, innit?

KP: Rockbusters, innit. RG: Yeah. Which is .. Blockbusters, but with music! See ya later!

Steve laughs

KP: Cryptic clues and that, do ya wanna say, Steve –

RG: Not really, not really cryptic, but go on.

SM: We got a number of DVDs to give away, uh, including some, uh, Teachers DVDs, we got a bunch of CDs here, and also Ricky Gervais’s live stand-up DVD —

RG: Animals! Brilliant!

SM: Which is not good at all, I really would not encourage people to buy that. It is –

RG: Well ..

SM: -- Weak observations poorly performed.

Ricky laughs

SM: I would recommend The Office series 2 on DVD, that’s still available.

RG: Rubbish in that. I’m awful in that. You can actually see me forgettin’ some of my lines.

SM: That’s true.

Ricky laughs

RG: Go on.

KP: All right then. So, cryptic clues, um, an example, might be new, I reckon people will be stayin’ in today ‘cause it’s rainin’ an’ that, so, might not’ve heard it before. So, like, uh,

RG: Or they have, and they’re not listening.

SM: Yeah.

KP: Yep. Well, whatever.

RG: Oh – oh, gave up on that one, didja?

KP: Thr-Three –

SM: Well give us an example of the sort of thing.

KP: Uh, that, that, uh –

RG: Jesus.

SM: All right, maybe don’t.

RG: ‘Nnuhh, nnuhh, nuuuhhhh … I’m a broadcaster … nnnuuhhhh’

SM: Yeah, ‘Words are my tool”.

Ricky laughs

RG: Go on.

KP: All right, forget that.

RG: Come on, baldie!

KP: Right – 3, 3 clues then. Here’s the first one. It’s a band. Or an artist.

SM: Yeah.

KP: Right? I’m goin’ to the Northeast. What you goin’ there for?

SM: Good point! Good question.

KP: All right?

Ricky laughs

RG: Yeah. Coulda been ‘Why you goin’ to the Northwest’, that’s a different matter. Go on.

KP: You’re goin’ to the Northeast, what you goin’ there for?

RG: Yeah.

KP: All right, S, is the initial. So it’s a band or an artist, whose, who starts with an S. And that’s the clue. Right. Second one, uh, Oh, yeah, she’s uh, she’s related to the man in the lamp! All right? That’s G. All right? She’s related to the man in the lamp. All right? And the third one is, uhh, the Jamaican fella would love to live there, but it’s a little bit pricey.

Steve laughs

RG: Oh, God. I feel an accent coming on.

SM: That’s one where you’re gonna have to think about it, with the accent.

RG: I imagine.

KP: Initials there, D.S. D.S. for that one. Right? So the Jamaican fella would love to live, live there, but, y’know, bit dear and that. Bit pricey. So, uh,

Ricky and Steve laugh

SM: So give us ‘em again, quickly.

KP: Right. The first one, I’m goin’ to the Northeast. What you goin’ there for? That’s S. She’s related to the man in the lamp, you know. That’s G.

RG: Changes with it.

KP: And the, Jamaican fella would love to live there, but, little bit pricey. And that’s D.S.

RG: OK.

KP: So uh, email in or text an’ that.

SM: [email protected], what’s the text?

KP: Or text 83XFM, uhh… yeah. So that’s that.

SM: Win tons of prizes.

RG: Brilliant.

KP: All right? Play some ads?

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

RG: Steve, is there anything wrong with a bit of old fashioned rock ‘n roll? Yes or no?

SM: I do not believe so.

RG: Well then there’s Jet, Roll Over DJ on Xfm 104.9.

SM: Who are you?

RG: Ricky Gervais. Who are you?

SM: Steve Merchant.

RG: Who’s that little bald Manc, whinging twat over there?

SM: Karl PIlkington.

RG: Yeah, surely. KP: All right?

Ricky laughs

RG: ‘All right?’ Ohh .. go on.

SM: Now, Rick, as you know, there’s always junk lying around in this, uh, studio, and not all of it is Rockbusters prizes.

Ricky laughs

SM: Um, and there’s uh, I’ve just been flippin’ thru –

RG: No. Some of it’s the playlist.

SM: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky laughs

SM: And, um, I was, uh, just flippin’ thru and old copy of the Guardian Guide, from last week,

RG: Sure.

SM: You know the little listings there of –

RG: Yeah.

SM: And you know, I don’t know if people might’ve seen it, we did a, there was a documentary on about the transfer of British sitcoms to America,

RG: Yeah.

SM: And, uh, we did an interview for that, ‘cause they’re remaking the show, over in the States. And I’m just flickin’ thru and I notice there’s a little write-up about it here, and it says uh, dududududuh blah blah blah, it says, quoting me, it says, “‘We don’t care if David Brent becomes a woman’, burbles Steve Merchant, eyes bulging with imagined riches”.

Ricky laughs

SM: I’m like, No – my eyes bulge normally! That’s not me being greedy, that’s just me!

RG: Well, you know that thing I did, when I sort of like rub my fingers together and do that sort of stupid, Brent, people take that seriously.

SM: I know! I know!

RG: Yeah.

SM: It’s extraordinary.

RG: Well some people got it, but I think it was in the paper the next day, someone said, uh, ‘Gervais’ mannerisms could’ve been transferred as, uh, dollar signs’. Well I was doin’ it sarcastically. I was doin’ it like that, I was pretendin’ that I just cared about the money. So –

SM: Yeah! Yeah yeah.

RG: Irony, see, people say Americans don’t get irony. Most people here don’t get irony.

SM: Absolutely right.

RG: That’s why they think this show’s rubbish.

Ricky laughs

SM: Yeah! I know!

RG: We’ve fooled ‘em!

SM: Yeah.

RG: We’ve had the last laugh! We think it’s really good.

SM: Exactly.

RG: Karl: come on. That – that was, let’s do some news. Let’s have some proper, radio. Have you – all – all your news comes from Ananova, doesn’t it?

KP: That’s for -

SM: What would Dr. Fox do about now, at two o’clock? He’d do some amusing news ..

RG: It’s comin’ up for 2, and here is the news with Karl PIlkington.

KP: Well like I said, it’s just, just headlines an’ that. I don’t bother readin’ on, if I like – from the headlines, you get the story -

RG: No point! And it’s all from Ananova, not from a newspaper, or,

KP: It’s not made up or anything. These are real headlines, so,

RG: OK, then, let’s see. Let’s see, OK, imagine Trevor McDonald doin’ this, it’s uh,

SM: These are real news headlines.

RG: OK then. Well, they’re real, they’re real to Karl. OK, here we go. And here is the news with Karl Pilkington. BONG.

KP: Man Hid-- Man Hid in Wardrobe to Avoid Work.

Ricky and Steve laugh

RG: Yeah? Good. BONG.

KP: Teenager Gets Stuck in Washing Machine

Ricky and Steve laugh

RG: BONG.

KP: Dutch Man Has Two Right Feet

Ricky and Steve laugh

RG: BONG.

KP: Cow Hit By Train Lands on Farmer’s Wife

Ricky and Steve laugh

RG: That is the real news, to you, innit!

SM: That is brilliant!

Ricky laughs

SM: That’s great!

RG: Ohh, I just think of the cow flying thru the air!

SM: Yeah.

RG: And the wife’s going, ‘Oh, no’.

SM: Yeah, yeah.

Steve laughs

RG: Oh, dear. Dutch Man Has Two Right Feet?

KP: Yeah. He’s, uh, havin’ some operation or somethin’,

RG: What, they put the wrong foot on ‘im?

KP: He’s got 2 right or something.

RG: Well maybe it was only the right foot that was available.

KP: Good dancer.

Ricky and Steve laugh

RG: Yeah. Oh dear.

KP: Wh, what else?

RG: Well, in real news, I was, um, I followed that thing with, who’s that fella who got into the palace when Bush was there?

SM: Right, an undercover journalist.

RG: The journalist, yeah. Um, I mean, it would’ve been a problem, if he was a terrorist. But, it’s sort of like,

SM: Mm.

RG: And I mean, as the palace said, you know, all our tests, are to expose terrorists, not journalists.

SM: Yeah!

RG: I – I -I just think, it was no big deal, really.

SM: Yeah.

RG: Much bigger deal for the Journalists rather than anyone else, well ok all the journalists in the world can pop up, as long as, as long as no terroists get in.

SM: Yeah.

RG: We're alright.

SM: Exactly.

RG: Yep. "A bloke just got through" "Terroist?" "No, an ice-cream seller".

SM: Yeah.

RG: That's alright then.

SM: "Who's that there waiting on hands and fingers, i can't believe it, it's Baz Babingboing, from the Daily Mail".

Ricky laughs

RG: Yeah.

SM: "And i think that's Gary Bushall" "That's fine".

RG: "That's fine, don't worry about it".

SM: Yeah.

RG: But erm, it's just that he, all he did wrong though was just lied on his CV.

SM: Well i think he did he.

RG: But everyone lies on their CV.

SM: Of course, everyone gives references.

RG: I don't think, i don't think i've ever done a CV. I've done one once, when i was at uni, and i was an events manager, i applied for a job at Radio 1, for events manager, didn't even get an interview.

SM: Yeah.

RG: so i just stopped the CV lark.

SM: Sure.

RG: Now i just, you know.

SM: The one knock-back, and that was it.

RG: Exactly, no yeah, so err.

SM: You've lied on your CV have you Karl?

KP: Yeah loads.

SM: Yeah?

KP: It's just errm.

RG: It's like someone from Little Britain, "Yeah i know, yeah loads". Yeah go on. Come on, it's radio, come on.

KP: There was one when err, there was a job going at Granada, in fact this isn't even lying, and i still didn't get the job. Right.

RG: Go on, well you don't get a job just cos you don't lie, it's not "Have you lied?" "No" "You've got the job".

Steve laughs

KP: No but, there was a, they ask you loads of stuff don't they that you think, well that's got nothing to do with the job, i don't know why you're bothering me, asking me certain stuff right.

SM: Qualifications things like that yeah.

RG: Yeah.

KP: But, well it was languages.

RG: Yeah.

KP: Right.

SM: What did it say?

KP: It just said err "you know, put your name, put your address, languages" Right? And erm.

RG: What er-yeah, you don't speak any other languages do yer?

KP: Well i just put "English - quite good".

Ricky Laughs

RG: You didn't!

KP: No i did, honestly ask Suzanne.

RG: I think you told me this before, did you really put English quite good?

KP: Yeah, honest to god, didn't get, din't hear back.

Steve Laughs

RG: Well you know what they meant now, you know what the, know what your error was don't you?

KP: Err.

RG: Are you fluent in French, German, Chinese.

KP: Yeah but i didn't want them to think i've got loads of big words and that, d'you know what i mean?

RG: What?

KP: Well i don't use loads of big words and stuff.

RG: No they meant.

KP: There's no point.

RG: Do you speak any other languages?

SM: It's any other languages Karl, not the one, your native language.

RG: They assume you can speak English because you're filling out a form.

KP: Yeah.

RG: Err what, it's like languages none.

SM: Yeah.

RG: They assume you can speak something, and they'd probably think it was English. And to put quite good when you are English.

SM: Yeah.

RG: "English is your first language?" "Yeah i'm quite good at it". I see your point though.

SM: It's true though.

Ricky Laughs

RG: Yeah.

SM: I'm not sure quite good is accurate.

RG: No, poor.

SM: Weak.

RG: English, poor. Weak! So you didn't get the interview no? What did Suzanne say when you told her you'd put that?

KP: She just laughed. It was too late, it was too late, to, do anything.

RG: How's her hair?

Silence

RG: Do you want to talk about it?

KP: She'e off today so.

RG: It's alright is it? Oh she' listening you mean?

KP: She's at home today.

RG: But it's probably alright now isn't it? Cos a bad hair day doesn't last.

KP: Yeah it'll be nice, it'll look nice and that today.

RG: You're scared of her arn't you?

KP: No, i mean i don't wanna.

SM: "Chicken noise".

RG: Well you've learnt your lesson that you know, you can't talk about people like that, cos it upsets them.

KP: Well plus i can't do it all now cos we're doing Pulp Fiction later, and it sort of involves her head.

Steve Laughs

KP: So.

RG: Brilliant.

KP: So let's.

RG: Excellent there's me thinking that you're being considerate.

SM: Yeah.

RG: Or worried about her feelings.

SM: You don't want to use up the material until later.

Ricky Laughs

RG: Play a record.

Record Plays

RG: Travis, Beautiful Occupation. What's the best job you've ever had still, Karl? Talking about occupations, it is still...

KP: Paper round.

RG: Is it still the paper round?

KP: Yep.

RG: That's ridiculous.

Steve Laughs

KP: No it was good though, if you look at it like, you know what i liked about it, you your own boss.

RG: No your not, you're not your own boss.

Steve laughs

SM: No, the owner of the newsagents.

RG: The guy who runs the newsagents is the boss.

KP: Alright, but then when, once you get out, and you've got your papers and that, your sort of, you're on your own.

RG: Do what you want, as long as you deliver the papers exactly to the places he said you are, at the time he said.

KP: Yeah, and i did.

RG: Freedom isn't it. Any jobs you wouldn't do?

KP: Err.

RG: I've just thought of one, that you wouldn't do, with your sort of mild homophobia.

KP: Well i'm not.

RG: Proxologist.

KP: What's that?

RG: Basically sticking you fingers up other people's arses.

KP: Right, well i wouldn't do that no. Why've you gotta do that?

Ricky Laughs

RG: What'd'you mean why've you got to do that?

KP: Why does anyone need that doing?

RG: Cos, they've gotta look, if they've got an arse ache, or summat.

SM: Which trainee docter makes that their speciality.

RG: Do you know what i mean, that must be "Erm right we gotta place for poxologists, any? It's you Meadows, you came last".

SM: Yeah "Aww seriously what, i'm not the arse docter am i?".

RG: "Yeah, you came last".

SM: "Aww, i'm a bum geep, i can't believe it".

RG: Yeah yeah, "You've gotta" "Can't believe this".

SM: Yeah.

RG: That must be it mustn't it.

SM: Well presumably no one would choose it, no one would, surely, if they can have the brain surgery, heart.

RG: What if you were brilliant but you were shy, you couldn't look people in the face.

SM: Yeah.

RG: You could be a, "You could do anything you want" "I just, don't want to look at them, i'll just look at their arses". "Really?" "Yeah, i'll just do the arses".

SM: Yeah.

RG: Yeah, it's, look at Karl's face! You didn't know, didn't know there was such thing as arse docter did yer?.

KP: No not really, specialises? He does nothing all day but that?.

Ricky Laughs

RG: Well he probably has a sandwich, about 1 O'clock.

SM: Yeah.

RG: Washes his hands, what do you mean he does nothing all day but that? You don't say that about a brain sugeon, or thoracic sugeon do you.

KP: No but, that, all day, that, that's not good is it.

Ricky Laughs

RG: I love the fact that i can blow his mind.

SM: Yeah.

RG: There just things that people take for granted, a dentist just look in mouths all day.

KP: Yeah but that, that, aww.

RG: What? what.

KP: Bum job that, bum job.

Ricky Laughs

RG: Just think of that, aww.

KP: So so, what do you need to know then there?

RG: It's a lot, lot to know.

KP: You've got to have nice nails.

RG: Yeah.

KP: Not rough, no rough edges.

RG: Well you'd be alright, cos you got that job handing out biscuits to the old people cos you had nice hands didn't yer?.

KP: Yeah, and i know a lot about buscuits, i know me buscuits.

RG: Do yer?

KP: Yeah yeah, i know which ones they like and that.

RG: Do yer? which ones do they like? What do old people like?

KP: Just Bourbons, err Rich Tea.

RG: Do they really? Cos that's my least favourite, i, will never eat a bourbon, i i could be starving and i wouldn't eat a bourbon.

SM: If you want to let us know what your favourite biscuit is, e-mail in.

Ricky Laughs

SM: [email protected].

RG: Yeah, but i tell you what, but with some of them eating biscuits, i bet they get arse problems don't they? So you could double up, couldn't yer? You could be handin' out biscuits in the morning, and checking, checking out.

KP: So what what, why would you go and have that done then? What sort of problems then?

RG: What you mean? Loads of problems .

KP: Like what?

RG: Prostate.

KP: And they've gotta go there, they, they have to like have a little, little, you know prodding and that.

RG: There was that, i told you that story that bloke umm, err it's not an achrpochriphal tale because it's it's about an ordaly's report and err this is the bloke that had filled out the form on what happened, he went into hospital basically with a sauce bottle, up his arse. And erm, on the report err he'd put, he said err, obviously you know pleasuring himself using a sauce bottle. And on the erm report that he had to fill out, he said that he'd been shopping, at Safeways, and he'd come home with his shopping, and he'd, he'd forgot his key, so he put his bags down on the step right? And he started climbing up the drainpipe, to get in right? But as he was climbing up his trousers and pants fell down, he slipped, and fell, and the sauce bottle went up his arse, and the ordely said "This story would be somewhat believable, if Safeways sold their sauce bottles with condoms already attached".

Steve and Ricky Laugh

KP: That's like a game of Kerplunk.

Ricky Laughs

RG: Sorry, but i love the fact that he put a condom on it, i wonder if that was so, he didn't wanna get an infection from it, or he wanted to use it on his chips later.

Steve Laughs

RG: So waste not, want not. Go on.

SM: Talking of arse.

Ricky Laughs

SM: Rockbusters.

Ricky Laughs

SM: Ermm, we err we should give those clues again because we're not getting many right responses here, let's give them once more.

RG: Do you know what i think. Because the mentalists out there get his clues and their rubbish, so i think his clue must be so way off.

SM: I know i know.

RG: That it's summint wrong. D'you know what a pun is don't you? You can't change the word, you can't have erm oh "Ee's bald and he rides a bike" "Who's that?" "Bicycle Stipe". That doesn't count, it's got to be Michael Stipe, for it to be correct. It's got to be Michael Stipe. Yeah?

KP: Alright, well we've, the most we've had we've got two right, right? so, we're doing alright.

SM: Let's hear the clues again.

KP: First one was "I'm going to the north-east. What you going there for?" S. It's a band or an artist that starts with S. Right? "I'm going to the north-east. What you going there for?" Second one "She's related to the err, to the man in the lamp. Right?" That's G, band or an artist. The last one "The Jamaican fella would love to live there, it's a bit pricey though" Right? BS Right?

SM: DS?

KP: BS. E-mail in or text in.

SM: [email protected].

KP: Or on the text, 83Xfm.

Ricky and Steve laugh.

KP: Right?

Ricky Laughs.

SM: Bob Dylan's of course playing in London this week.

RG: Yep.

SM: And err.

RG: Good luck to him.

SM: Here's an old classic.

Bob Dylan plays

SM: Bob Dylan, It's all over now, Baby Blue from 19 sixety something haaa.

RG: Bit of trivia for you here Steve.

SM: Go on.

RG: That is the last record, we ever played on the old Xfm before we were fired.

SM: Hmm i bet that was a moving moment for about 8 people.

Ricky Laughs.

SM: Erm.

RG: I just thought of summat, you know that that thing we did about, they said we just cared about the money selling it to America.

SM: Yes.

RG: If we cared about money.

SM: Yeah.

RG: Would we be here now?

SM: Absolutely i know.

RG: D'you know what i mean? I think this proves that we don't do things for the money.

SM: Exactly.

RG: Jesus, alright Karl?

SM: Err, couple of e-mails, monkey matt's e-mailed us.

RG: Who?

SM: Monkey Matt.

RG: Oh Matt yeah go on.

SM: He says err.

RG: How's the Monkster?

SM: He's alright, he says err "Karl has missed a cracking headline from the Sport "Hide and Seek champion found dead in cupboard"".

Ricky Laughs.

SM: I hope it's real, i don't know if it is.

RG: I doubt it.

SM: Just looking through some of the news stories that Karl, that did make it into Karl's news roundup.

RG: Yep.

SM: Erm.

RG: Bong.

SM: This one you might, might be interested in. Headline "Woman says partner ran off to become Vampire".

RG: Yeah.

SM: And it says "A young mother says her partner has dumped her to become a vampire, Rebecca Roberts from Somerset" hmm "Said Matthew Barott fell for a blood-worshipping woman in a US cult, the 23 year old mother says he began shaving all his body hair, dressed in black and used Rebecca's lipstick to redden his eyes. Rebecca caught him performing weird blood rituals infront of his computer at night, cutting himself to prove commitment. She said "I thought it was just a hobby".

Ricky Laughs

SM: "Everyone's got a right to one, i was pleased he'd found an interest.".

RG: Brilliant.

SM: This is apparently from The Sun erm, apparently he's left, he's gone to America, he's living in this Ohio-based cult, but it's the last bit where she's been asked whether or not if he came back would she take him back.

RG: Sure.

SM: And this is where i wonder if the jounalist, you know how jounalists are supposed to just report the news, be objective.

RG: Yeah.

SM: I wonder if maybe the jounalist here has maybe had some interferance.

RG: Made the quote better for them than.

SM: Possibly.

RG: Go on.

SM: Because it says errm "I never thought this would take over his life. Now if he came back, i'd say "Fangs, but no fangs".

Ricky Laughs

SM: But, i can't believe, imagine you're the woman Rick .

RG: Ok.

SM: And i've come round.

RG: You're the jounalist.

SM: I'm the journalist and i've come in and i've said "Ok i've read".

RG: All i have to do is not say that, ok.

SM: You've come you come "I mean obviously you're quite upset".

RG: "Yeah".

SM: "Your husband's gone off".

RG: "Gutted".

SM: "Erm, if he came back would you take him back?"

RG: "Definitely not".

SM: "Right, what would you say to him then?"

RG: "Really, just get lost".

SM: "Right but i".

RG: "I'm really pissed off with you".

SM: "Would you perhaps say something a bit more piffy?".

RG: "Phiffy? No, in this situation no, he cuts himself, he drinks blood, he's left me".

SM: "sure".

RG: "No, sod off i'm not interested mate".

SM: "Because i tell you what".

RG: "Go on".

SM: "I mean, i like what you've said there but i wonder if we could condense that, a bit more, if he came back would you say-".

RG: "Go away".

SM: "Would you say some-, would you ever say something like "Thanks, but no thanks?"".

RG: "No, cos that sounds, makes it flippant, cos i'm really angry".

SM: "I know you're annoyed but".

RG: "And i'm upset so i wouldn't say".

SM: "Sure".

RG: "I certaintly wouldn't say thanks, i'd say, i might say no thanks".

SM: "But what if you, what if you said it like aggressively like you were giving him the finger? Thanks, but no thanks, like you didn't really mean it".

RG: "What sort of sarcastically".

SM: "Sarcastically, would you possibly say it?"

RG: "I might say thanks but no thanks, and that would be it".

SM: "Right, right".

RG: "And that's, and i'd leave it there, and i'd never change that".

SM: "Sure".

RG: "I'd never change those words".

SM: "Can i ask you a question?".

RG: "Go on".

SM: "Do you like puns?"

RG: "N-, hate them, i don't watch Countdown, i don't like QI, i don't like any of those posh Cambridge Oxford type, i, i hate puns".

SM: "If you had to say thanks but no thanks in the form of a pun, what would you maybe say".

RG: "I wouldn't, i never would".

SM: "Right".

RG: "I'd say thanks but no thanks, i would, you know i'd, i mean, i feel embarassed that'd i'd even say that, because i don't think i would even say thanks but no thanks".

SM: "Ok".

RG: "But if i did go that far, i'd leave it there".

SM: "Sure, sure".

RG: "So".

SM: "Have you ever noticed, as i have".

RG: "Go on".

SM: "The simalarity between the word thanks, and fangs?"

RG: "Not really".

SM: "It's very simalar, thanks, fangs thanks fangs".

RG: "No really, f, th, there's a K".

SM: "Fangs very much".

RG: "G, A and N, well the A the N and the S, but that's about it".

SM: "Would you agree it sounds marginally simalar?"

RG: "Err, yeah sort of".

SM: "Is it possible you might one day say "Fangs but no fangs"?"

RG: "I wouldn't no".

SM: "Right, i could put that though could i?"

RG: "But don't say i said it".

SM: "Right".

RG: I mean, yeah. Fangs but no fangs.

SM: Yeah. This is the thing, this is the thing, just if you ever read an article in the Sun, The Mirror, anything, do not believe it, really seriously question and query it, becuase.

RG: If it end with Fangs no fangs.

SM: If it ends with a pun, almost certaintly they never said it.

Ricky Laughs

Music Plays

RG: Feeder, d'you know what, erm i'm annoyed at now? Right we've got another ad break coming up. How many ad breaks've we had in this show?

SM: I know.

RG: Karl, how many ad breaks've we had in this show?

KP: Probably about 3 an hour, 3 or 4 an hour.

RG: 3 or 4 and hour so about 3 minutes, so 20 minutes, 20 minutes is wasted on, on shite, i mean apart from the stuff we talk about.

SM: Well it's funny you should say that cos erm someone said to me last week that they felt that there were more advert, now on the show than there used to be.

RG: Are there more adverts on this show.

SM: Ricky i think though, i think, just checking some of the e-mails i think that's because people are requesting them.

Ricky Laughs

SM: They find them more entertaining than what we're giving them.

RG: But, it, can't we sort this out?

KP: No, don't go on about it.

RG: No no can't we though? Why can't we, why can't we have less? Why've we got so many? is it what.

KP: Just happens doesn't it.

RG: Aww, we, no aww, you can't listen to the radio and every, after every record, it's bad enough trying to keep them listening with the rubbish we come out with.

KP: Well we've got Rockbuster's here, let's get 'em back.

Steve and Ricky Laugh

KP: Right the first.

RG: Go on then.

KP: So.

RG: Right, has anyone got all 3?

KP: No.

RG: No, right ok so there's summint wron-, i'm gonna be ang-, i'm gonna ban Rockbuster's, cos, ok go on then, what are the clues again, tell me the answers.

SM: Well give us the ones that they did get.

KP: Alright, well they did get erm "He's related to the man in the lamp".

RG: What's that?

KP: That was G, that was.

RG: Gina.

KP: That was, that was.

RG: Genie.

KP: Genie-sis, alright?

Steve Laughs.

SM: Gene-sis.

KP: Like Genesis, so G, the sister of the genie, geniesis, Genesis, they got that one.

RG: No no no, what, what's the band's name?

KP: Genie-sis.

RG: No no no, say tha band's name, Genesis.

KP: Genesis.

RG: Genesis, right ok, what, i don't get it cos genie is, nothing like.

KP: Well, well they did, so don't worry about it.

RG: Right, ok.

KP: Stop worring about th ads, stop worrying about that right. The thrid one was, err "The Jamican fella would love to live there".

RG: Go on.

KP: "But it's a little bit pricey".

RG: Go on.

KP: Right that was.

SM: What was the initial?

KP: DS "Dear Streets". Right?

RG: What?

KP: It's it's a dear street to live on.

RG: Dear Streets oh yeah i havn't heard of them, they what, there a band?

KP: That's Dire Straits.

RG: No it's not Dire Straits! It's not Dire Straits! Dear Streets.

KP: Well say, the Jamaican fella, would love to love there.

RG: Go on make it sound like that.

KP: Dear Streets, Dear Streets.

Steve Laughs

KP: Dire Straits.

RG: No again, it's still not, keep going, i i havn't got it yet go on.

KP: Dear, Dear Streets.

RG: Dear Streets.

KP: They got that one as well, so.

SM: Right well let's hear the one they didn't get.

(48:00)