25 June 2005/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 25 June 2005 episode , from Xfm Series 4

NB This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show and contains language which may cause offense.

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Ricky: Forever Lost, Magic Numbers, and the magic number is 104.9

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Xfm, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Right, two more shows.. till we're off air for don't know how long.

Steve: Is that two more including this one?

Ricky: Yeah, no no no no, two more,er yeah, no no no no. Sorry, this is one and then theres another one.

Steve: Right, two more shows

Ricky: And thats the last one, There's two more shows. Yeah

Steve: Including this one.

Ricky: Well starting now, if I'd have said this at the end it might have been ambiguous, but I said it at the beginning, there's two hours thats a whole show, so there's two more shows.

Steve: Two more shows including this one

Ricky: Yes well obviously

Steve: So only one more show after this one?

Ricky: Its only five past one.

Steve: After this show one more.

Ricky giggles

Ricky: Yeah one more.

Steve: Basically its one more show, so thats two...

Ricky sighs

Ricky: Now its only one more show, goodnight! Um, now, it had better be a good one Karl, have we got Rockbusters?

Karl: mmm check

Ricky: Seen those prizes, check. Have we got Monkeynews?

Karl: Check

Ricky: Is it a real Monkeynews or is it something slightly made up that you ...

Karl: (mumbles) always is

Ricky: What?!

Karl: Always is, if you'd check.

Ricky: Ok er.. Knob News?

Karl: Er... yeah we've gotta bit of knob news, yeah

Steve: I'm worried that Knob News, because its only about penises is a little bit sexist. Um.. have we got any fanny facts? Could we maybe sort out that for next week, I don't want to alienate our female audience.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: 'Welcome to minge London!' . Um, good I'm glad thats ... well um brilliant. Er, have we got song with a story?

Karl: Yeah, got that

Ricky: What is it?

Karl: Er, I don't wanna ... sort of tell you what it is yet.

Ricky: Right

Karl: Cos the song isn't that great.

Ricky: Oh Good, oh good

Karl: It's not like a song thats an Xfm song but every time I hear it on say, like Magic

Ricky: 105.4

Karl: yep, I have an argument with Suzanne that y'know, what I think its about, and she says 'Dont be stupid its not about that' and I'll say 'no it is '

Ricky: And so we're gonna decide who's right. Well I don't know what song you're talking about and I don't know what the argument is ,but Suzanne's right.

Steve: Definitely

Ricky: No doubt about it.

Karl: Well we'll have a listen but I'm hoping that once people, sort of, listen to it again with my thoughts, everytime they hear it ...

Ricky: Well, this song sums up what people should think of you...

Karl sighs

Ricky: It's 'Dont believe a word' . Alright? Thats the sort of links I'm capable of...

Music fades in...

Steve: If thats all we've got to present to Sony then ...

Ricky laughs

Song: Thin Lizzy - Don't Believe A Word

Celebrity Leech Island

Ricky: Thin Lizzy, Don't Believe A Word on Xfm 104.9. I'm gonna miss this show. It's been good.

Steve: You'll be the only one

Ricky: No, well, w-w-we we'll come back again. w-w-w we've got a lot to do over the next few months but maybe for Christmas or just after? But I still call Karl everyday anyway

Steve: oh sure

Ricky: I called him a couple of days ago

Steve: course you did

Ricky: and I went, er it was the weekend I went 'what you doing?' and he went 'just in regents park and that and just goin through... oh! Jesus!' I went 'what?' and he went 'A caterpillar just fell out the sky.' I went 'what?' he went 'A caterpillar just fell out the sky, god it's there wriggling around.' I went 'sure a bird didn't drop it?' he looked up and went 'oh yeah.'

Steve: chuckles

Steve: course he did.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: For a moment there he thought caterpillars were raining from the sky.

Ricky: I thought I was, I was in chicken licken

Steve: yeah

Ricky: unbelievable. Why did you think a caterpillar had fallen out the sky?

Karl: I don't know , it just startled me a bit

Ricky: (guffaws) I love Karl being startled!

Steve: I love the idea of him straight on the phone to Trevor McDonald 'Look Trevor theres caterpillars, insects falling out the sky. They're falling out the sky put it on the news quick. You sure there wasn't a bird? Oh yeah there was a bird sorry Trev, Bye!'

Karl: It's weird, after I hung up, hung up the phone from you, I sort of sat there for a bit watching it.

Ricky: high pitched laughter

Steve: I imagine him cross legged just in front of it on the grass

Ricky: but do you know what, because of the shape, the shape of his head and his IQ I bet the caterpillar was thinking 'Mama!'

Steve: Huh yeah

Steve laughs

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? Unbelievable. Go on.

Karl: And uh... it was... it was... sort of running about all over the place, right Steve, so caterpillars have loads of feet an' that don't they?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Well.. Well they have six legs. They are actually a larvae and insects have six legs. But they have little sucker things to hold on to the back of cabbages and that.

Karl: No they've got more than that

Ricky: No. I'm telling you, they have six true legs. Trust me. Trust me, I'm a scientist.

Steve: And you were thinking what Karl?

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Well they've got little pods. They've got little um pseudo-pod legs and suckers, yeah.

Karl: But it was running about like, everywhere, right, mental. But sort of, running off to the left and then it sort of went back to where it was and then it went right and what have ya and I'm just thinking... whoever gave 'em the legs, right... what's the point if they don't know where they're going an' that.

Ricky laughs

Karl: D'ya know what I mean? If you could get about...

Steve: Imagine that sentence. Do you hear, did you hear that sentence? Can we play that sentence back?

Ricky: No, I don't think we can.

Steve: Imagine who gave em that legs...

Ricky: Whoever, whoever, whoever, whoever gave 'em them legs... what's the point if they don't know where they're going

Ricky and Steve: And that

Steve: Always and that

Ricky: And that. But... but maybe you just... to be fair to the catepillar with all its legs, okay, and it didn't know where it was going. It had just been plucked from its house by a bird, shot up into the sky and then dropped from 80 feet... hitting the ground.

Steve: Hitting the head of a weird bald shaved monkey.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It was probably concussed.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Ahh... it's one of them things again though...

Ricky: But it still knew more about the world than you. How does that make you feel?

Karl: I just... I just think it's a waste of time havin' all them feet. It's the same thing with the uh...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Feet now! It's got feet now!

Steve: Yeah... it has a nightmare buying shoes doesn't it Karl?

Karl: All the uh... what was it... what was it you were saying about leaches an' that? 'Cause we were talking about insects.

Ricky: Well, not insects.

Karl: Just all these...

Ricky: They're not insects.

Karl: What are they?

Ricky: Well I think they're probably... uh... class, oh, probably platyhelminth. Probably

Karl: Yeah

Ricky: So, sort of like a flatworm-type thing

Steve: That's what you were thinking, wasn't it Karl?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah! I'm not sure about that. I don't know what the phylum is. But theres, no, they'd uh, they'd be, neah.

Steve: What was the leach? What is an interesting leach fact?

Ricky: Well there was, there was an experiment of, um... where you get a maze for a leach and theres a bit of blood thing. And it learns, it eventually finds it way to the blood. Okay, then it knows.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: And if you put it back to where it starts it knows where it, it goes straight towards it 'cause it's learnt it. If you liquidize that leach...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: ...and feed it to some leaches that have never done the maze... because of a thing called chemical memory, they find they're way straight to the blood.

Steve: That is extraordinary.

Ricky: It's extraordinary.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I mean, it's... it's incredible... but--

Steve: We should try that at Hampton Court one weekend.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But maybe with some tourists. Just blend up some tourists.

Ricky: Or the people on the emm... I'll tell you who would do it, those people who go on, um, Celebrity Love Island.

Steve: Any of them.

Ricky: They would do anything to get owofthe... They would be liquidized. People have enimas, they will do any-- They wank off pigs. They will do anything to get on tele.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What about that? Be liquidized and fed to a nutter-- Get one D celebrity slapper, liquidizer her and feed her to another slut...

Steve: So we blend up Abi Titmuss...

Ricky: and see if she can find her way--

Ricky laughs

Ricky: And see if she can find her way to Channel 5.

Steve: Yeah.

Steve laughs

Ricky: What a brilliant show, hosted by Jimmy Carr.

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: That would be amazing.

Song: The Kinks - Better Things