03 May 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 03 May 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Nice to Meet You Ken

song: Richard Ashcroft - Buy it in bottles

Ricky: Buy it in bottles, Richard Ashcroft on Xfm 104.9 I'm Ricky Gervais. With me, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Now listen up, right, It's the sony awards this thursday. Now for those of you who don't know, the Sony awards are like the oscars for radio presenters and producers and everything, right, so, and as you know me and Steve, we love to win. We want to win this one. It's the last time the panel will be listening, so, I want a good clean tight show.

Steve: Okay

Ricky: So no swearing, joking aside, no swearing, nothing controversial and nothing in bad taste, alright? Just, good luck out there.

Steve: Arent we a little bit buggered then?

Ricky: Well, yeah. So, alright Karl?

Karl: Yeah, that's alright. Just, it's just when you say things like, errr, "make it a good one" sometimes it sort of puts a bit of pressure on and things slip out that you shouldn't say and, stuff like that. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever had that?

Ricky: What when you cant...

Karl: It's like, i'll tell you one story, right

Ricky: ...Laugh at a funeral

Karl: I'll tell you a couple actually

Ricky: Go on

Karl: Ones just come to mind, right now, right. There was a fella who, errm, who me dad was gonna meet, I don't know if i told you this before, right, but errm, I have told you, when it was a party and everyone was saying "Dave's coming, he looks like Ken Dodd, so don't say anything", Have i told you?

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Go on, what is it again?

Karl: And everyone is like "right ahhh" and me dads like "ahh I've never met him i wonder if he does look like Ken Dodd" and everyone is saying "yeah but don't say anything...

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: ...because you'll accidently, you know, say it and..."

Ricky: YUMBUNCTIOUS! Yumbunctious to meet you!

Karl: So the thing is, when this fella turned up he did look like Ken. My dad couldn't believe it, first thing he said "nice to meet you Ken"

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: On no

Karl: And that's the sort of thing. There was another one, right, errr, at the station that I worked at in errr, in Manchester, right, there was this girl who worked in the news room, right, and err, she had a plastic arm, right...

Steve: Right

Karl: And this presenter, nice bloke, not out to hurt anyone went up to her, sat down, was chatting for a bit, touched the arm and said "what lovely skin you've got"

Steve lets out a short surprised laugh

Ricky: What did she say?

Karl: I, i don't think, I mean, she's probably used to it, so she wasn't bothered. And then right, this one, this is brilliant, errrm, this is the sort of gaff he made on air right...

Ricky giggles quietly

Karl: ...and like I say he's a nice bloke so he meant nothing by it, right, but he does this competition on the air, gets a caller on, right, he's talking to the woman saying "thanks for calling in and playing, i dunno, what have I got in my pocket?" or whatever he used to play on the show, right, and err, talking to the woman and in the background there's this noise, right, like...

Karl squarks

Karl: ...like that, right, so he's talking and he goes, err, "have you got a, err, pet parrot?" and she said "no it's my down syndrome kid"

Ricky laughs

Steve: Oh dear.....Oh!

Ricky: Errrr, the thing is, awards don't matter

Steve: Nahh, I don't think so

Ricky: Play a record?

Steve: So we're not out to offend or annoy

Ricky laughs

song: The Smiths - Panic

Ricky: Appropriate words there, that's The Smiths and Panic. Don't worry about it Karl, people will know that there's..you haven't got a malicious bone in your body...so uh,they they know its confusion. Don't worry

Karl: No it did happen, so its not..

Ricky: I know, I know , yeah

Ricky sighs

Ricky: So..What you been doing this week Steve?

There Must Be a Tractor Sale On Somewhere

Steve: Well, erm, I'll tell you what, at the beginning of the week I was, erm, incredibly annoyed by Karl!

Ricky: Why?

Steve: Erm, no, uh, well, no, because you-... I remember you had a little discussion with Karl a while back saying that, um, you thought he was lazy at times, and, y'know, you had various critcisms of his work.

Ricky: Yeahyeahyeahyeah.

Steve: And I got a call from him, he said, uh, "oh yeah, should have told you, I had a phonecall, someone said that they were tryin' to get hold of Steve Merchant to offer him some lucrative voiceover work", now you know-..

Ricky: That is money for old rope!

Steve: It's money for old rope.

Ricky: That's about... you're in there for about 20 minutes, and it's thousands of pounds.

Steve: If there are children listening who are still in school, they should definitely... when the careers guy says "what do you wanna do?", try and get voiceover work-

Ricky: Voiceover work.

Steve: Just become a voiceover artist, it is money for old rope.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: So I can't believe my luck; because you know I love money for old rope!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And, erm, I said "well, what's the information?", he said, "uh, I dunno; I deleted the message"... it was on his answerphone, he deleted the message, I said "right, when did the message come?", he says "last week", so he took a WEEK to tell me...

Ricky: Why..?!

Steve: ...that he had DELETED the message...

Ricky: Why, just 'cos it wasn't for you?

Steve: ...I mean, I don't know how selfish that is, Karl!

Karl: Is it... no what happened is, right, I got back off holiday.

Steve: Mmmm.

Karl: I was at home...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I called up my voicemail.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right, 'cos I can do that...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: ...remote access, right...

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: ...'cos I gotta know what's going on at work...

Steve: 'course.

Karl: Called in-.. it was still me day off, I was goin' through the messages...

Steve: Yes.

Karl: ...heard one from some company sayin', "we're after Steve Merchant"...

Steve: Yep.

Karl: ...we want him to do some voiceover work...

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: Mmmm.

Karl: ...right... I can't remember the name of it, but...

Steve: Thanks.

Karl: ...it's not right, but I'll remember to tell Steve-...

Steve: A week later.

Karl: It doesn't matter, does it? You still got the message, and they-...

Steve: Wha-.. it doe- what message?

Ricky: But voiceover work has to be done in the next couple of days.

Steve: But I didn't get the message! All I got was, "there was a company, I don't remember the name, and they wanted voiceover work"! How does that help me? There are hundreds of thousands of media companies!

Karl: I-.. I was mor-..

Steve: You didn't take down a number, you didn't take down a name, nothing!

Karl: I, I was more puzzled why they'd want you to voice anything.

Ricky: (laughing) Oh he's having a go, ain't he?!

Steve: I don't know what..

Karl: But listen to that voice.

Ricky: You must be annoyed! You must be annoyed.

Steve: I mean talk about rubbing salt into the wound!

Karl: No but listen to you!

Ricky: (half-shocked) Oh... god...

Steve: I don't know what you.. I don't know how you think, Karl, I don't know how your mind works.

Karl: Well I was thinking there must me a tractor sale on somewhere.

Ricky: (laughing) I can't believe it! What's come over him?!

Steve: What do I care? Hang on a minute! Wait a minute!

Ricky: What's come over him? The worm has turned!

Steve: I don't care! I don't care if they wanted me to advertise, you know, the latest designs in pirate fashionwear! I will do voiceover because it's money for old rope. I don't care what you think of my voice; someone was interested, they were offering me money. And you decided - arbitrarily - "oh they probably won't want it, the probably made a mistake, they wouldn't like the way he talks anyway, I'll delete the message".

Karl: No... the thing is, right, I get paid-

Steve: What if that had been a girl?

Karl: I get paid, to sit here on a Saturday...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: ..right, play CD's an' that, help out with the show, get you decent prizes; I think I do me bit...

Steve: Sure.

Karl: ...right, it isn't about running your voiceover work!

Steve: So hang on, so Karl, let me get this right; if someone was having to phone me, right, trying to get in touch with you to off you work, you want me to just ignore the message? That is what you're saying to me, that you'd prefer I delete the message and I ignored it altogether? That's what you'd want for me to do, that's what you want me to do?

Karl: What, someone's calling you for me?

Steve: Someone's phoned me, they've said "I'm a friend of a friend, I've got your number Steve, I want.. I'd love to use Karl Pilkington, for a, er, er, er... something sexy-..

Karl: Well you haven't called me so has it happened? Has it happened?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: (still laughing) "has it happened!!"

Steve: In the future, if it was to occur, do you want me to just ignore it? Is that what you'd prefer me to do?

Karl: ...errr... well it's not like that though... I did tell you, I told you the message...

Steve: You didn't te-... (disbelief) What?! You told me a week later with-..

Ricky: Oh...

Steve: ..-none of the information I needed!

Ricky: ...Karl, erm, that doctor called last week, that kidney's ready for that, um, little girl... that you were doing that, sponsored walk for... I forgot to tell you!

Steve sighs dramatically.

Ricky: I hope it's still alright, they keep it on ice, don't they? I think they do...

Steve: Selfish, Karl. So selfish. And you lost us a Sony.

Karl mumbles.