03 May 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 03 May 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Nice to Meet You Ken

song: Richard Ashcroft - Buy it in bottles

Ricky: Buy it in bottles, Richard Ashcroft on Xfm 104.9 I'm Ricky Gervais. With me, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Now listen up, right, It's the sony awards this thursday. Now for those of you who don't know, the Sony awards are like the oscars for radio presenters and producers and everything, right, so, and as you know me and Steve, we love to win. We want to win this one. It's the last time the panel will be listening, so, I want a good clean tight show.

Steve: Okay

Ricky: So no swearing, joking aside, no swearing, nothing controversial and nothing in bad taste, alright? Just, good luck out there.

Steve: Arent we a little bit buggered then?

Ricky: Well, yeah. So, alright Karl?

Karl: Yeah, that's alright. Just, it's just when you say things like, errr, "make it a good one" sometimes it sort of puts a bit of pressure on and things slip out that you shouldn't say and, stuff like that. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever had that?

Ricky: What when you cant...

Karl: It's like, i'll tell you one story, right

Ricky: ...Laugh at a funeral

Karl: I'll tell you a couple actually

Ricky: Go on

Karl: Ones just come to mind, right now, right. There was a fella who, errm, who me dad was gonna meet, I don't know if i told you this before, right, but errm, I have told you, when it was a party and everyone was saying "Dave's coming, he looks like Ken Dodd, so don't say anything", Have i told you?

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Go on, what is it again?

Karl: And everyone is like "right ahhh" and me dads like "ahh I've never met him i wonder if he does look like Ken Dodd" and everyone is saying "yeah but don't say anything...

Ricky: Yeah

Karl: ...because you'll accidently, you know, say it and..."

Ricky: YUMBUNCTIOUS! Yumbunctious to meet you!

Karl: So the thing is, when this fella turned up he did look like Ken. My dad couldn't believe it, first thing he said "nice to meet you Ken"

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: On no

Karl: And that's the sort of thing. There was another one, right, errr, at the station that I worked at in errr, in Manchester, right, there was this girl who worked in the news room, right, and err, she had a plastic arm, right...

Steve: Right

Karl: And this presenter, nice bloke, not out to hurt anyone went up to her, sat down, was chatting for a bit, touched the arm and said "what lovely skin you've got"

Steve lets out a short surprised laugh

Ricky: What did she say?

Karl: I, i don't think, I mean, she's probably used to it, so she wasn't bothered. And then right, this one, this is brilliant, errrm, this is the sort of gaff he made on air right...

Ricky giggles quietly

Karl: ...and like I say he's a nice bloke so he meant nothing by it, right, but he does this competition on the air, gets a caller on, right, he's talking to the woman saying "thanks for calling in and playing, i dunno, what have I got in my pocket?" or whatever he used to play on the show, right, and err, talking to the woman and in the background there's this noise, right, like...

Karl squarks

Karl: ...like that, right, so he's talking and he goes, err, "have you got a, err, pet parrot?" and she said "no it's my down syndrome kid"

Ricky laughs

Steve: Oh dear.....Oh!

Ricky: Errrr, the thing is, awards don't matter

Steve: Nahh, I don't think so

Ricky: Play a record?

Steve: So we're not out to offend or annoy

Ricky laughs

song: The Smiths - Panic

Ricky: Appropriate words there, that's The Smiths and Panic. Don't worry about it Karl, people will know that there's..you haven't got a malicious bone in your body...so uh,they they know its confusion. Don't worry

Karl: No it did happen, so its not..

Ricky: I know, I know , yeah

Ricky sighs

Ricky: So..What you been doing this week Steve?

There Must Be a Tractor Sale On Somewhere

Steve: Well, erm, I'll tell you what, at the beginning of the week I was, erm, incredibly annoyed by Karl!

Ricky: Why?

Steve: Erm, no, uh, well, no, because you-... I remember you had a little discussion with Karl a while back saying that, um, you thought he was lazy at times, and, y'know, you had various critcisms of his work.

Ricky: Yeahyeahyeahyeah.

Steve: And I got a call from him, he said, uh, "oh yeah, should have told you, I had a phonecall, someone said that they were tryin' to get hold of Steve Merchant to offer him some lucrative voiceover work", now you know-..

Ricky: That is money for old rope!

Steve: It's money for old rope.

Ricky: That's about... you're in there for about 20 minutes, and it's thousands of pounds.

Steve: If there are children listening who are still in school, they should definitely... when the careers guy says "what do you wanna do?", try and get voiceover work-

Ricky: Voiceover work.

Steve: Just become a voiceover artist, it is money for old rope.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: So I can't believe my luck; because you know I love money for old rope!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And, erm, I said "well, what's the information?", he said, "uh, I dunno; I deleted the message"... it was on his answerphone, he deleted the message, I said "right, when did the message come?", he says "last week", so he took a WEEK to tell me...

Ricky: Why..?!

Steve: ...that he had DELETED the message...

Ricky: Why, just 'cos it wasn't for you?

Steve: ...I mean, I don't know how selfish that is, Karl!

Karl: Is it... no what happened is, right, I got back off holiday.

Steve: Mmmm.

Karl: I was at home...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So I called up my voicemail.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right, 'cos I can do that...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: ...remote access, right...

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: ...'cos I gotta know what's going on at work...

Steve: 'course.

Karl: Called in-.. it was still me day off, I was goin' through the messages...

Steve: Yes.

Karl: ...heard one from some company sayin', "we're after Steve Merchant"...

Steve: Yep.

Karl: ...we want him to do some voiceover work...

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: Mmmm.

Karl: ...right... I can't remember the name of it, but...

Steve: Thanks.

Karl: ...it's not right, but I'll remember to tell Steve-...

Steve: A week later.

Karl: It doesn't matter, does it? You still got the message, and they-...

Steve: Wha-.. it doe- what message?

Ricky: But voiceover work has to be done in the next couple of days.

Steve: But I didn't get the message! All I got was, "there was a company, I don't remember the name, and they wanted voiceover work"! How does that help me? There are hundreds of thousands of media companies!

Karl: I-.. I was mor-..

Steve: You didn't take down a number, you didn't take down a name, nothing!

Karl: I, I was more puzzled why they'd want you to voice anything.

Ricky: (laughing) Oh he's having a go, ain't he?!

Steve: I don't know what..

Karl: But listen to that voice.

Ricky: You must be annoyed! You must be annoyed.

Steve: I mean talk about rubbing salt into the wound!

Karl: No but listen to you!

Ricky: (half-shocked) Oh... god...

Steve: I don't know what you.. I don't know how you think, Karl, I don't know how your mind works.

Karl: Well I was thinking there must me a tractor sale on somewhere.

Ricky: (laughing) I can't believe it! What's come over him?!

Steve: What do I care? Hang on a minute! Wait a minute!

Ricky: What's come over him? The worm has turned!

Steve: I don't care! I don't care if they wanted me to advertise, you know, the latest designs in pirate fashionwear! I will do voiceover because it's money for old rope. I don't care what you think of my voice; someone was interested, they were offering me money. And you decided - arbitrarily - "oh they probably won't want it, the probably made a mistake, they wouldn't like the way he talks anyway, I'll delete the message".

Karl: No... the thing is, right, I get paid-

Steve: What if that had been a girl?

Karl: I get paid, to sit here on a Saturday...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: ..right, play CD's an' that, help out with the show, get you decent prizes; I think I do me bit...

Steve: Sure.

Karl: ...right, it isn't about running your voiceover work!

Steve: So hang on, so Karl, let me get this right; if someone was having to phone me, right, trying to get in touch with you to off you work, you want me to just ignore the message? That is what you're saying to me, that you'd prefer I delete the message and I ignored it altogether? That's what you'd want for me to do, that's what you want me to do?

Karl: What, someone's calling you for me?

Steve: Someone's phoned me, they've said "I'm a friend of a friend, I've got your number Steve, I want.. I'd love to use Karl Pilkington, for a, er, er, er... something sexy-..

Karl: Well you haven't called me so has it happened? Has it happened?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: (still laughing) "has it happened!!"

Steve: In the future, if it was to occur, do you want me to just ignore it? Is that what you'd prefer me to do?

Karl: ...errr... well it's not like that though... I did tell you, I told you the message...

Steve: You didn't te-... (disbelief) What?! You told me a week later with-..

Ricky: Oh...

Steve: ..-none of the information I needed!

Ricky: ...Karl, erm, that doctor called last week, that kidney's ready for that, um, little girl... that you were doing that, sponsored walk for... I forgot to tell you!

Steve sighs dramatically.

Ricky: I hope it's still alright, they keep it on ice, don't they? I think they do...

Steve: Selfish, Karl. So selfish. And you lost us a Sony.

Karl mumbles.

The World's Gone Topsy Turvy

Ricky: Beautiful... bit of Snoop on XFM... yeah?

Steve: Mmm-hmm.

Ricky: Kickin' it with, er, Ricky Gervais!

Steve: Old school! Yeah? Yeahyeah...

Ricky: Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah, sweet, sweet, sweet. Uh, Steve Merchant, and uh.. Karl Pilkington. I-.. What has happened to Karl? Because Karl, I thought is y'know, is this sort of sweet, little buffoon... almost childlike-...

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: ...-in his ways, I mean like Charlie Brown, after... uh, some sort of... head injury.

Steve sniggers.

Ricky: And now he's... now he's coming back like that havin' a go at-... not-.. not carin' about voiceover work, it's like.. 'cos Heat have written about him a couple of weeks it's like he thinks he's better than you in some way.

Karl: No, I do care though, you're out of order sayin' that, right...

Steve: Karl...

Karl: 'Cos I sorted you out with tickets for stuff...

Ricky: That he doesn't turn up to.

Steve: Karl... Karl! I received a phonecall, you deleted the message offering me voiceover work, you're as bad as my agent.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: I don't... I'm appalled by it!

Ricky continues laughing loudly.

Steve: And I thought we were friends!

Ricky: Aaahhhhhhh... at least his agent when he does it is losing himself money as well!

Steve: Yeah! Exactly!

Ricky: He.. he... you got no comeback; you're still sweet! And to have a go at his-.. you got a Manc whine! Right?

Steve: For a voice.

Ricky: Like a cartoon Gallagher brother on Coronation street. I mean Steve's got.. yeah, Steve does sound like a... a Wurzel! But that doesn't-..

Steve: Thanks!

Ricky: ...d'you know what I mean?

Steve: Noooo, y'know..

Ricky: What about Jethro? Jethro does well, Jethro gets on Des O'Connor any time he wants.

Steve: Just has to phone Des up!

Ricky: And he's on there!

Karl: Straight on there.

Ricky: And he's whining like a Wurzel as well, so... y'know, to say that, that is a rubbish v-

Karl: Alright, what-.. what... alright, apart from that then, what else have I done that's wound you up?

Steve: Well, that... that... that's a good starting point, because you ain't even apologised!

Karl: No no, it's a shock, 'cos that's the first time I've let you down. And I didn't really let you down, because I passed on the message.

Steve: You di-.. ah well, we've been through it.

Karl: Okay.

Steve: You didn't pass on the message. Saying "I deleted a message for you" is not passing on the message.

Karl: Well...

Steve: I just think what's happened is that you've got a little bit of celebrity now from the show-..

Karl: I haven't.

Steve: ..-I mean I've seen you being recognised in pubs and stuff, where people have come up and said "are you Karl?", de-ne-ner, 'cos they've seen Ricky. Now it just seems to me that you are not keeping yourself grounded...

Karl mumbles.

Steve: ..-you cannot deal with fame, you've not got the intelligence to cope with the celebrity...

Ricky: Oohhh... now it's gettin'...

Steve: ...and you're just becoming this kind of ego-driven monster.

Karl: That's rubbish.

Ricky: ...now it's gettin'.. now it's getting...

Steve: No it scares me Karl. You're not the man I remember.

Ricky: ..gettin' a bit... getting a bit nast-

Karl: I- I put a lot of work into this, on a Saturday; this ain't even me proper job, right. Where were you in the week?

Ricky: Oh yeah, he's got you there.

Steve: What?

Karl: Where were you in the week? I said "let's meet up, let's come up with some new features" an' that, where were you?

Steve: Karl, you phoned me...

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: ...about an hour before you wanted to meet. That is not what I would call-..

Karl: Is it though? That's the way I work.

Steve: That is arrogance right there!

Karl: That's the way I work.

Steve: That's arrogance right there! That's ego right there!

Ricky: He couldn't- he couldn't get-... uh, I, er-.. I came in, he said "where's Steve?", I said "Steve can't make it", I had to tell him why, Steve was staying in to tidy up 'cos his landlady was comin' in... this... this, he couldn't get over. He could not get over that you couldn't make it 'cos you had to stay in for your landlady, his.. his... he talked about it for about the hour when we were working.

Steve: What are you talking a-.. I... last week I had a bad throat, you wouldn't tolerate that, you wouldn't accept that-..

Karl: Yeah, and what did you do last week when you had a bad throat, where were you?

Ricky starts giggling.

Karl: Why couldn't we do any work then?

Ricky giggles get louder.

Karl: (condescending)...'cos you were at home, with your mam an' your dad.

Ricky: OH-HO!

Steve: You were on holiday weren't you?

Ricky laughs.

Karl: Why didn't you get your mam and your dad to clean the flat?

Ricky: OHHHH he's done it again! He's done you again mate! Play a record!

Steve: How has he done me, what se-.. they live in Bristol!

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Yeah, the joke's on you! He couldn't get 'em to clean the flat! Haaa!

Steve: I don't know who's laughing at who now.

Ricky laughs again.

Karl: Right, listen...

Steve: Can we just go back to laughing at Karl?

Ricky: Okay!

Steve: 'Cos I know where we stand there!

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Okay, alright!

Karl: So you want to, uhhhhh-..

Steve: That's the natural order of things!

Ricky: I know, yeah!

Steve: The world's gone topsy turvy!

Ricky: He's stepped out of the pecking order!

Karl: Well someone who I don't let down, right, are the listeners of this show...

Ricky cackles maniacally and starts clapping.

Karl: D'you wanna, er, read out the prizes for Rockbusters? We'll get that done.

Steve: Okay...

Ricky: Oh we're not doing Rockbusters again are we?!

Karl: ...yeah...

Ricky: Well it was a shambles last week! We CANCELLED it two weeks ago! Wha-..

Ricky sighs loudly.

Steve: I mean it just... there you are Rick, both you and I -- and let's be honest, we're the guys with our names on the poster!

Ricky: I know, yeah.

Steve: It's supposed to be your show-..

Ricky: And our faces!

Steve: Exactly, and yet-..

Ricky: We have to have-... we have to be on Tube stations, people laughing at us..

Steve: Yeah, yeah... well they're not laughing at me, Rick.. don't say...

Ricky: Well! No... what do you people think of the posters? Karl? Seriously.

Karl: Uhhh...

Uncomfortable silence.

Steve: I don't want to know his opinion.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: It's just going to be insulting. My point is-..

Ricky: Just 'cos he was looking at you!

Steve: My point is this, Rick: we used to be able to decide what the content of this show was!