10 January 2004/Transcript

(Work in Progress)

:Music: Snow Patrol - Run
R: Snow Patrol, and Run, on Xfm, 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me - Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington...
S: Yep.
R: ...so that's 3 for 1, I dunno... alright?
S: Exciting, exciting.
R: Um.... News, news news news. Er... breaking news: is there's only two more weeks of us before we have to go away, on a little extended break again. So, erm, can't give you any more details yet, we don't know when we can come back because, er, we don't know - what we're doing, um, we're going to America, for the Golden Globes, then we're going to watch The Office pilot being filmed. And then, we've got bits... I'm doing a bit of a tour, so it'll be sort of the summertime, probably.
S: Yeah.
R: Um... I-I'm saying it like they care.
S: I don't even give a damn.
R: I sometimes think that because... erm... You think, er you don't want to let down the people, you want to keep it consistent, you want to give <unintelligble>, but really I know I like doing this more than anyone listening.
S: Definitely.
R: D'you know what I mean?
S: Definitely, definitely.
R: I live coming in, I love squeezing Karl's head.
S: Yeah.
R: I love playing some records... y'know, I like sitting in a room with you - I know you love it!
S: Oh....
R: Haha! He can't wait...
S: I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing on a Saturday.
R: Yeah. So, er, we've got our Saturdays back though.
S: Yeah, that'll be great.
R: I mean, my alarm went off today, and I was a bit tired because we we had a couple of drinks last night, didn't we?
S: We had a couple of drinks last night, yeah.
R: We.. part, we're party animals. Um, but erm, oh, I've been looking for an office this week....
S: Mmm.
R: ...as you know. And it's so stressful...
S: <Sighs>
R: ....just walking round, just talking to... agents and, er... right, OK. So - my method is this right: I walk the area that I want to be in an office in, because I don't want to hear anything else, I don't want to... you know what I mean? So I walk round, it, er, to be fair it is about a square 500 yards...
S: Right.
R: Right, it's sort of like...
S: Your house is in the centre.
R: <laughs> Yeah, yeah... And so I walk round looking at placards, so I go "That's a nice office", and I phone 'em up, there's loads of different people I've been dealing with, right? And he went "Oh, we've got one in so-and-so street", I think it was Frith Street or summat, right, I went "Oh yeah", I went along to there and said I'll see you there in twenty minutes. I got there - you were ther, do you remember?
S: Mm.
R: I looked round, and I said to Steve "It looks alright, there's no... no porn shops or anything like that", right, and Steve went, "Well, it is next to a brothel", and I looked, and there on the next thing, like y'know "Model: First Floor", er, "Suzie", and I phoned them up and I said "Do you know what? Erm.. don't bother coming in", I said "No, because it's next to a brothel". He went "Yep." I went "Erm, right, OK. Just for future reference: I don't want an office literally next to a brothel...".
S: <laughs>
R: "...Right? When I go to work, I don't want to walk past prostitutes." Call me old-fashioned, right...
S: As you're going into work, there's a prostitute. "Morning", "Morning".
R: "Morning". "Morning. Uhhhhh. Just got a cappuccino?". "Yeah, Starbucks, yeah. Er, business good?". "Yeah, it's a bit slow at the moment, but it picks up later this evening". "Does it really? Good". And, er, I said to him - I've got so... my new year's resolution is being like a little fascist when it comes to business. And I said, er... "Also for future reference, erm, no crack dens, and no wild animals in the porch". And er, I just can't believe it. There's always something wrong - we went to one, right, we got there right, and, er the woman said "I'm newish", she didn't know what keys she was using, and she went "It's the third floor", and she went "No point, we won't both get in the lift." I went "Right. Will you get a desk in the lift?, right, she went "I've got a chair in the lift before".
S: <laughs>