10 January 2004/Transcript

(Work in Progress)

Music: Snow Patrol - Run
R: Snow Patrol, and Run, on Xfm, 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me - Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington...
S: Yep.
R: ...so that's 3 for 1, I dunno... alright?
S: Exciting, exciting.
R: Um.... News, news news news. Er... breaking news: is there's only two more weeks of us before we have to go away, on a little extended break again. So, erm, can't give you any more details yet, we don't know when we can come back because, er, we don't know - what we're doing, um, we're going to America, for the Golden Globes, then we're going to watch The Office pilot being filmed. And then, we've got bits... I'm doing a bit of a tour, so it'll be sort of the summertime, probably.
S: Yeah.
R: Um... I-I'm saying it like they care.
S: I don't think they give a damn.
R: I sometimes think that because... erm... You think, er you don't want to let down the people, you want to keep it consistent, you want to give give something back, but really I know I like doing this more than anyone listening.
S: Definitely.
R: D'you know what I mean?
S: Definitely, definitely.
R: I love coming in, I love squeezing Karl's head.
S: Yeah.
R: I love playing some records... y'know, I like sitting in a room with you - I know you love it!
S: Oh....
R: Haha! He can't wait...
S: I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing on a Saturday.
R: Yeah. So, er, we've got our Saturdays back though.
S: Yeah, that'll be great.
R: I mean, my alarm went off today, and I was a bit tired because we we had a couple of drinks last night, didn't we?
S: We had a couple of drinks last night, yeah.
R: We.. party, we're party animals. Um, but erm, oh, I've been looking for an office this week....
S: Mmm.
R: ...as you know. And it's so stressful...
S: <Sighs>
R: ....just walking round, just talking to... agents and, er... right, OK. So - my method is this right: I walk the area that I want to be in an office in, because I don't want to hear anything else, I don't want to... you know what I mean? So I walk round, it, er, to be fair it is about a square 500 yards...
S: Right.
R: Right, it's sort of like...
S: Your house is in the centre.
R: <laughs> Yeah, yeah... And so I walk round looking at placards, so I go "That's a nice office", and I phone 'em up, there's loads of different people I've been dealing with, right? And he went "Oh, we've got one in so-and-so street", I think it was Frith Street or summat, right, I went "Oh yeah", I went along to there and said I'll see you there in twenty minutes. I got there - you were there, do you remember?
S: Mm.
R: I looked round, and I said to Steve "It looks alright, there's no... no porn shops or anything like that", right, and Steve went, "Well, it is next to a brothel", and I looked, and there on the next thing, like y'know "Model: First Floor", er, "Suzie", and I phoned them up and I said "Do you know what? Erm.. don't bother coming in", I said "No, because it's next to a brothel". He went "Yep." I went "Erm, right, OK. Just for future reference: I don't want an office literally next to a brothel...".
S: <laughs>
R: "...Right? When I go to work, I don't want to walk past prostitutes." Call me old-fashioned, right...
S: As you're going into work, there's a prostitute. "Morning", "Morning".
R: "Morning". "Morning. Uhhhhh. Just got a cappuccino?". "Yeah, Starbucks, yeah. Er, business good?". "Yeah, it's a bit slow at the moment, but it picks up later this evening". "Does it really? Good". And, er, I said to him - I've got so... my new year's resolution is being like a little fascist when it comes to business. And I said, er... "Also for future reference, erm, no crack dens, and no wild animals in the porch". And er, I just can't believe it. There's always something wrong - we went to one, right, we got there right, and, er the woman said "I'm newish", she didn't know what keys she was using, and she went "It's the third floor", and she went "No point, we won't both get in the lift." I went "Right. Will you get a desk in the lift?, right, she went "I've got a chair in the lift before".
S: <laughs>
R: Brilliant. So... just find me an office, Rathbone Place, sort of Percy Street, Charlotte Street, Dean Street....
S: Yeah.
R: Yep. First or second floor.
S: I'm worried we're going to get emails from estate agents, phone calls from 'em, you know what those people are like....
R: But I don't look at the emails.
S: True. Fair enough.
R: So... play a record.
Music: Joe Jackson - Different for Girls
Joe Jackson: <singing> ... You're all the same...
R: Sexist!
S: <laughs>
R: Joe Jackson, Different for Girls.
S: That's why he's not in the charts anymore.
R: I can't believe it.
S: Unbelievable.
R: Erm...
S: You were talking about buying an office, I'm a little bit intimidated at the moment because I'm in the process of buying a flat, because I'm tired of just pissing money down the drain.
R: I know. Go on...
S: And um... er... I'm just, I'm really petrified, I've put it off and put it off because I just, I'm really gullible. I just, when I'm confronted with anyone in a suit who sort of knows what they're talking about. They can sell me anything, I'm intimidated, it's like, you know you're supposed do go in there and act like you're the guy with the money, you're the - this is what I want this is what I nah nah nah. But I go there and it's like I'm afraid they're going to say "Clear off. I don't want to - I don't want to sell you a house. I'm not interested".
R: Yeah. Have you ever like, really thought of like, putting on some sort of cool air, like erm, sort like kicking in the door and going "What wood's that?".
S: <laughs>
R: He'd be found out in thirty seconds, wouldn't you? You'd go in there and you'd stub your toe, and they'd go "What'd you kick that for?", "I've hurt my toe, I've hurt my toe".
S: Exactly.
R: Brilliant.
S: Just tapping the walls...
R: Yeah, tapping the wall. "What's the, er, what's the rates like?", <immediate> "What Rates?", "I don't... know".
S: <laughs> Well, this is - I don't know if I told you before, I went to by a laptop computer...
R: Yep.
S: ...an everyone said "Go up Tottenham Court Road", and I reading in magazines and stuff, and they were saying "Haggle, make sure you haggle, you've got to - you're planning to haggle, get the best deal you can". And I found a shop which was selling the computer I wanted, and I went in there, and I had this whole plan in my mind of what was going to happen, he was going to say like "It's worth this", I'm going to go "Well look, I can get it cheaper here, I want to buy it from you, I'm going to haggle, da-da-da-da-da", and off I went. So I went in the shop, and I said "Yeah, I'm looking for this, interested in this Toshiba, how much is it?", he went "Oh, it's 1500 quid", I went "Sure, sure". OK, I said "I'll give you 1300", he went "It's 1500", and I said "Sure, but I'm willing to give you the 1300", he went "1500.", and I was... I was done, already <Ricky has started laughing at this point>, because he hadn't even begun to haggle. And I was assuming he'd at least go "1400", and we could start, but nothing. So now I was screwed, my whole plan went out the window.
R: What did you do, just leave?
S: Well, no, I said to him "The thing is, I can get this computer cheaper down the road, but, y'know, I like what you're providing here, I like the service, I've had good... I've heard good stuff about you...".
R: I don't...
S: I said "I've heard good stuff about you", and I went, I said, er "Seriously, I can buy it for cheaper if I walk down the street, for 1400", and he went "Well... see you later then". And I was like "Right...", so I walked out the place, I said "Well I'm going to have to leave then", and I walked out the place and, erm, of course I wanted to get it from there, because it was still the cheapest, so I had to walk back in again! I went "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Um... I've um, I've just had some second thoughts, listen, I tell you what, I'll pay the 1500, can I get a free carry-case?", he went "The carry-case is free anyway", I said "I'll take it".
R: <laughs> "The carry-case is free anyway"!
S: I got nothing.
R: "No, but how much would you charge for the carry-case, like, if it was on sale?", "The carry-case? A tenner?", "Well let's just say it is a tenner, give it to me for free", and he went "No, it's a tenner", and you went "Well you said it was free a minute ago!"
S: Yeah. It was just pathetic...
R: That's lovely.
S: ...absolutely pathetic. It's the having to walk out making a big statement, and then come back in again.
R: Oh... Oh dear.
S: And... so, I, I just, I'm really scared, I feel like I need someone to come with me and do all the talking, you know, know what they're talking about, because I don't... I'm not going to be able to tell if there's subsidence, of if there's damp, or...
R: No, but you don't do that...
S: I didn't realise, is that not my responsibility?
R: No, you get a survey done.
S: Sure.
R: And they charge for that, and then the... you don't have to go round doing it yourself.
S: Right. Could I make a saving if I did it myself?
R: <laughs> Yeah, "This should be alright", "There's a hole in the wall Steve", "Yeah... but what's a hole in the wall...?"
S: Just put some newspaper over that...
R: "...In Chaucer's day that was the toilet...".
S: <laughs>
R: "...that'll be fine". Karl, you're a second time buyer, aren't you, you bought...
K: Yeah yeah yeah. Bought one in Manchester...
S: Yeah..
K: ....lost seven grand on that one.
R: <laughs> Well, don't buy in Manchester.
K: No, it's a good flat, it's just there wasn't... I didn't buy it to sort of make money, I thought I was going to be
living there, like, all me life....
R: Brilliant.
K: ...and then a job came up here, and it was like "Oh...".
R: You bought your first flat in Manchester, you assumed you would be living there for the rest of your life?
K: Well I wasn't in a rush...
R: Play a record, you're an idiot.
S: Hang on a minute, I, so you've got a property portfolio? Have you got the two houses now?
K: No, no, I've got rid of that one.
S: Oh, you sold that one...
K: Got this flat...
S: ...at at seven thousand pound loss.
K: Tell you something that is interesting...
R: Hold on though...
K: What?
R: Seven thousand pound lost?
K: Yep.
R: It... a flat in Manchester. But it could only have cost eight grand anyway.
S: <laughs>
K: Right, Steve, something you - they do now, right, they've got to do by law when you're buying, right. I was looking at one, in London, right. Erm, it's haunted, they've got to tell you now.
R: Right. Don't. Talk. Shit.
K: I'm telling you now...
R: Play a record.
K: I'm telling you now...
R: Yeah. Yeah. There's no such thing as ghosts. That... if that... that is ridiculous if it appears on a legal document.
K: Right. If there's anyone who sells flats and that, does that for a living.
R: Yep.
K: Right. Email in...
R: Yep.
K: ...because, I'm telling you now, that, that is a fact. She sort of dropped it in, I said "Oh, nice feel here", she said "Yeah, well that'll be the ghost", just dropped it in, that's all they've got to do. And then I was like "What?", and they went, er...
R: That's all they've got to do is it? So that's the legal thing. "Did you drop it in?", so in court, you go "Did you drop it in?", "Yeah, I dropped it in". Play a record, you're an idiot.
S: <laughs>
Song: David Gray - This Year's Love
8:47