12 January 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 12 January 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 1

NB This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show and contains language which may cause offense.

Small Man Complex

Ricky: P.O.D., or "POD" as I call them.

Steve: Mhmm.

Ricky: I don't.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Xfm 104.9, it's The Ricky Gervais Show.

Steve: With Steve Merchant.

Ricky: Yeah. So Dermot O'Diddly

Steve: Yes

Ricky: for weeks and weeks, weeks and weeks in a row he doesn't even turn up and now suddenly he's all over breakfast.

Steve: I notice, yeah, he's standing in for the breakfast show, why weren't we asked to do that? It's quite upsetting...

Ricky: Well... We were.

Steve: Were we?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I didn't know about this.

Ricky: Yeah but I don't wanna get up that early do I?

Steve: Sure, sure.

Ricky: Er, I feel a bit hungover today actually.

Steve: Do you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What's happening? What, what were you partying last night were you?

Ricky: Well not partying, we just went out, went out for a couple of drinks then had a meal and then went to the Borderline and saw a ba-- I'll tell you about that, was good...

Steve: You saw a band?

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: That's the first time in years isn't it?

Ricky: It is, yeah, yeah, it is... 'Cause, you know John Simm, the actor?

Steve: Mmm... Not really.

Ricky: He's in this band right, called magi... Magic Alex, and it was really good, they're sort of like... Sort of like a friendly Oasis, they've got, y'know, sort of quite m... Y'know quite manc sort of feel which was really good, good songs and everything right...

Steve: Is he the singer?

Ricky: Ye-- No, he's the guitarist. And I just go... But, it was full of actors, 'cause it, y'know right... And I felt quite tall.

Steve: That's ludicrous 'cause--

Ricky: See---

Steve: --you're a very short man.

Ricky: Well I am, I'm sort of, I'm... I was average but now I'm not, I don't think, 5'8" that's, right, but there I was like, quite... It was like Lilliput.

Steve laughs

Ricky: (laughing) So I've just, just gotta hang out at actors do's, "Alright?" "Yeah..."

Steve: This is the reason, 'cause act... Actors are often very, quite handsome people... But yet they're always quite ob---

Ricky: Yep, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are.

Steve: ... No I mean they're normally quite obnoxious Rick. Again, y'know, you're quite a good example of that.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And yet, I think it must be the small man complex, that's what makes them so obnoxious and so, kinda desperate for attention...

Ricky: Alright...

Steve: Didn't realise it before...

Ricky: Steady on...

Steve: 'Cause I suppose I tower above everyone.

Ricky: You do don't ya.

Steve: I'm er, for people who don't know who're listening, I'm 6 foot 7 inches tall. That's... That's... That's... That's high.

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: That's big.

Ricky: And, and, and, um, for people who've never seen him, he doesn't hold it well, it's not like he's a... Sort of handsome athlete, is it Karl? He's a bit of a... Well what would you call him? A t...

Steve: Karl, don't answer it.

Ricky: No no no---

Steve: Don't get drawn into that. You know-- You know the game he's playing!

Karl: N-n-n-n-no; d'you know yesterday, when you were in the office?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You did a little move... And it reminded me of Blakey.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Off er... Off "Off the---

Ricky: "Oooh I hate you Gervais, Oooh I hate you Pilkington."

Karl: That sorta

Ricky: He's a---

Karl: stance...

Ricky: Yeah... But even he was, he held it a little bit better didn't he? 'Cause he was a ma-- Y'know, he had a big coat and everything and a peak cap... But er, yeah...

Steve: I can't believe... Like I've not suffered enough from being freakishly tall, now two of my best buddies--

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: --live on radio, are just slagging me off---

Ricky: It's not just the height though, is it? It's the... Posture and the face and everything.

Karl: But it's got you places hasn't it?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: No, what do you mean--

Karl: No it has...

Steve: --it's got me places?

Karl: I think, I think people give you bit more of a chance in, in your carreer and stuff, it's like...

Steve: What, yeah, stacking shelves!

Ricky laughs

Steve: (laughing) 'Cause I can reach to a high le-- A h...

Song: Muse - Plug In Baby

Feet On Fire

Ricky: Muse - Plug In Baby on Xfm 104.9...

Steve: Rick, I---

Ricky: Ricky Gervais... Go on.

Steve: Well, yeah but, I know you guys are laughing about the height thing, and er... For those that've only just tuned in, I am 6 foot 7 inches tall, which is... Which is tall, and that's big, and I, y'know... I pride myself on it, in a way, y'know, I've worked hard, I've not smoked, I ate well, y'know...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's an accomplishment, but obviously I didn't have much involvement in it I just am-- And it's a curse, because... Mainly, the problem is that you, you can't get stuff, you can't get clothes, you can't get shoes, y'know...

Ricky: Yeah... He's size, he's size 14 feet!

Steve: Yeah that's, but it is genuinely, and I don't know... I mean it costs a lot to buy a pair of size 14 shoes, and it... So I don't... I mean if you were poor, if you were genuinely poor, I don't know how you'd afford to be tall... 'Cause the clothing costs more, everything costs more.

Ricky: I've, I've seen this, in comics and that, you d-- You actually go to school in a barrel.

Steve: Wearing a barrel...

Ricky: With just braces, it'd just be a barrel like that and you'd have sort of flip-flops. And you'd take a mule with you, they all had a mule, didn't they, the poor people.

Steve: But people always think like, it, that they, like you'll be in a pub or something and people, I mean people just think that they can talk to you about it, they just think "Whey, oy, whey lanky whey-aa!" It's like, because it's like they---

Ricky: But that really annoys you doesn't it?

Steve: Well it annoys me because it's like they think I should be proud of it, like it's---

Ricky: Well exactly, but they don't think... This is not a disadvantage, this is not a disability, is it, you're, you're taller than most people... It might get t---

Steve: It is a disability if you're...

Ricky: No no no, if you wa-- If you were 8 foot 3 it'd be slightly disabilitating, you wouldn't, y'know, but---

Steve: Disabilitating?

Ricky: ...What?

Steve: Disabilitating?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah... No, you're a medical man aren't you. But, no, the point is it's a disabilitathn

Ricky laughs

Steve: ... Because when you go on public transport, like if you're on a coach

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: the only place I can sit on a coach is that seat---

Ricky: On the driver's lap.

Steve: (laughing) Either on the driver's lap, or that seat at the very end

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: y'know, where, which is kind of... Which sits into the aisle.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's the only place I can sit...

Ricky: Why don't you just... Stand up...

Steve: And there's always some sort of kid---

Ricky: Stand...

Steve: Kids at the back waving at drivers.

Karl: You could drive it from the back.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: 'Ere he comes, watch it.

Ricky: I like---

Karl: Were you a tall baby?

Ricky laughs

Steve: (laughing) Was I a tall baby?!

Ricky: (laughing) "Mr. and Mrs. Merchant, er, you've given birth to a basketball player. Look at his dribble already..." "Were you a tall baby," babies aren't tall! Are they?

Karl: No, I mean at what point did, did you suddenly like, "Jesus, nothing fits me!"

Ricky laughs

Steve: (laughing) Well... It didn't happen overnight Karl...

Ricky: Let's do a little graph, how tall were you at 5?

Steve: Oh, I dunno... 3 foot?

Ricky: 3 foot, how tall were you at 12?

Steve: 6 foot?

Ricky: 6 f-- Where you really?!

Steve: I don't know do I! How do I remember, I don't remember this!

Ricky: Well when did teachers start calling you "Freak-Boy" and "Lanky"?

Steve: Rarel-- They didn't, they wa-- It wasn't the---

Ricky: Didn't they?!

Steve: Not so much, it was... No...

Ricky: You went to a funny school... I went bowling with him once right, and I'd never been bowling before and he'd been once before, and he went "Let's go to this bow"--- Went to this bowling alley, right, and erm, you have to wear these special shoes. Now they're... They're sort of like, pointed things anyway, and they're, um, multicoloured sort of red and green right, they look pretty weird, and er... And the woman said to me "Oh what size are ya?" and I said "Oh, 8", she went "Yeah, what size are you?", he went "14", she went "14?", he went "You probably haven't got 'em..." he goes, she goes "Yeah, I think we have got one pair", and she put them on the table, and it was like Krusty the Clown. And I just started laughing... They looked so long and he had to run round this bowling alley in these freaky clown shoes...

Steve: Yeah but they don't look freaky-clown-like when I'm wearing them, 'cause the rest of me's in proportion to it!

Ricky: He looked like a little wall bracket.

Steve: D'you know, one of the worst things, one of the worst things that happened to me was when I was er... I don't know, when I was about 16 or something, we went to, um... Is the fire al---

Ricky: There's a fire alarm going off.

Steve: There's a fire alarm going off.

Ricky: And the fire light's going off. Should... Should... Should we not just... Maybe play a record and go and check that out?

Karl: ... Wrap it up if you want.

Ricky: No, no, not wrap it up, play a record, I'm gonna go.

Steve: No, look, it's gone off Rick, it's gone off!

Ricky: Oh! What-- We might've burned down!

Steve: Yeah I think we'd know about it; the flames licking around our ankles would be a clue.

Karl: God...

Ricky: ...I'm gonna go and investigate. You shouldn't ignore a fire alarm should ya!

Karl: Brrraaaakk!

Steve: Blimey! We're entertaining the nation...

Ricky: Oh, look, "Oh look at him he's scared of fire! Brraaakk!" What d'you mean?

Steve and Karl: Brrraaaakk! Brrraaaaaak!!

Song: Mercury Rev - The Dark Is Rising

Brrraaaakk Sarge!

Ricky: Mercury Rev - The Dark Is Rising. That's a good song innit?

Steve: I notice that your, um... investigating the fire mainly involved wandering out into the office, looking around a bit then coming back.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What did you find out?

Ricky: There was no fire.

Steve: There was no fire?

Ricky: No.

Steve: Oh, right.

Ricky: I like the fact that---

Steve: Brrraaaaak!

Karl: Brrak!

Ricky: "Brraaak", Imagine that though, imagine tha- there's a fire and there's loads of firemen, they go "get back!" and you go to the fireman "ooh get back, brrraaak! Brraaakk! Oh look at him---"

Steve: I would, I would and actually justified to.

Ricky: Yeah, "ok there's heavy shelling lads, retreat!" "Oh braak sarge!" "I'm sorry?" "Brraaaak sarge!"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: There was a fire al-- I'd never seen it before, a fire thing going off, there was a fire th... I thought "oh, let's at least have a look if there's a fire," that's all I thought; see here's some official coming in now to tell us we should've been running out.

Steve: There's no fire... we can't just stop entertaining the people of London, y'know, just 'cause there's a fire.

Ricky: This isn't the Titanic!

Steve: Well true...

Ricky: I don't have to carry on playing. I, I---

Steve: I dunno, it feels like a bit of a sinking ship Rick! Are ya with me?

Ricky: (laughing) All right! Nice one, nice one.

Steve: I don't know who I was slagging off there, probably me.

Ricky: Yeah I think so, yeah.

Steve: Listen, let me just tell you briefly, this-- this is a.. another example of.. of how people can just exploit you and make fun of you when you're tall.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Um, I was quite tall, I've always been like about 6 foot 7 for quite a while now and when I was about 16, erm.. I went to a big New Year's celebration in Bristol, where I come from, and they-- everyone kind of congregates in this big sort of part of town and there was some people dancing round; like in Trafalgar Square, and um.. I was there and some how I'd sort of.. I'd just picked up a balloon somewhere along the line, one of those kind of helium sort of balloons, and I was holding that and dancing around... and um, these two girls came up to me and I was thinking "yeahhh, ok.. y'know, it's New Year's Eve, brilliant, y'know that's-- I l-- that's my kinda party."

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: They came up and went "heyyy"---

Ricky: Once a year.

Steve: And they we-- (laughs) they said er, "you gonna be here for long?" And I went "well, maybe" and they said "it's just we've arranged to meet back at you

Ricky: laughs

Steve: in about an hour." And I went "what do you mean?" and they went "well it's just 'cause we can see you wherever you are and.. don't worry, you can move around and stuff, we'll see you, with the balloon. Just arranged to meet some friends here."

Ricky: I love that, a landmark.

Steve: So I---

Ricky: Pilots use that! "And we're just coming in, er, there's er, we'll be er.. when we see Steve Merchant we'll be decending to Bristol Temple Meads."

Karl: What's really funny is, New Year's Eve, Trafalgar Square, you've got a huge column

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But they use Steve as like the meeting point---

Ricky: Steve's got a huge column.

Steve: Brilliant Rick, well done.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Award winning comedy from Ricky Gervais.

Song: Happy Mondays - Step On

Freaks Of America

Ricky: Happy Mon-- ta-- took you back didn't it? Happy Mondays there, manc scene there, Karl was like really getting down like oh yeah yeah, oh come on, come on...

Steve: Got any veerers?

Ricky: Oh come on now, aah, did it take you back did it?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: How old are you?

Karl: Twenty-nine.

Ricky: Twenty-nine so you were, oh you were just going in.. out of your teens?

Karl: I'm a Virgo.

Ricky: No.

Steve: What?

Ricky: No, tha-- that--, no you don't understand, it's just not-- how? I'm a virgo?

Steve: Rick, I thought we discussed about involving Karl in any---

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, sorry, yeah, yeah.

Steve: Management have told us we're just not allowed to do it.

Ricky: (laughing) We've had e-mails from people.

Steve: Yeah, please don't speak to Karl.

Ricky: It's cruel

Steve: (laughing) Exactly.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah.

Karl: On the cusp---

Steve: Can I just make an appeal? I don't wanna exploit---

Ricky: (laughing) On the cusp, between Virgo and-- Still going through with it, doesn't know what's going on does he? Just wave bright objects at him.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah... er, we got a competition here Steve.

Steve: We have but before we mention that---

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Can i just ask something, I don't wanna exploit our position on the radio...

Ricky: No.

Steve: ... but I wonder, because I'm very tall and it's very tricky for me to get size 14 shoes and big clothes and stuff, can I just get people to send some stuff if- if like maybe they own a shop which---

Ricky: Yeah, but it would be- it would be things like home-made clogs...

Steve: That's cool.

Ricky: ... for people who've carved out the little chunks of wood they found in the shed...

Steve: That's fine, whatever...

Ricky: It's not---

Steve: When I was in America--- When I was in america everyone says to me---

Ricky: Here's a kagool I made out of my own skin.

Steve: (laughs) Um... When I was in America everyone told me like, it would be really, y'know, really easy to get big clothes and big shoes and that cos they're all huge and all freaks over there---

Ricky: Allright, allright steady on...

Steve: (laughs)... And I was wandering around New York and I was going in a few shops, kind of saying y'know, I've got size 14-- U.S 15... shoes, and they were going "No---

Ricky: (laughs) Is that the difference... one?

Steve: And they literally were laughing at me, there was a couple of shops where they'd literally laugh and get someone else in and come and look at the tall freaky English man...

Ricky: Really?

Steve: ... And then one guy said "I remember we had someone come in here once and he said he'd been to a shop which sold, kind of stuff for really tall people... And um.. And he sa- "I think I can remember the adress" and he sort of looked through the telephone directory and he made a note of it, and I went on the subway, I went---

Ricky: (laughing) Lillyput...

Steve: And I went and I loo- It took me ages to get in a- really hard to find it and I finally went in there, I'd never seen- It was heaving, right, with freaks it was ama-

Ricky: Really?

Steve: It was like, they're just kind of gargoyles like something from Lord of the Rings, there was just these kind of like, tall people and kind of gnarled...

Ricky: Did they turn round and start bowing to you?

Steve: It was incredible.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And I went in there and sort of said "Hi i'm lookin for kind of... dudududu something like that", and they went "Yeah, sure" and he sort of hobbled off into the darkness and came back with exactly the kind of pair of shoes I wanted, I couldn't believe my luck.

Ricky: It might be a magic shop.

Steve: But it was like that shop in um... Mr. Ben

Ricky: It might have been a dream though you see... have- have you still actually got the shoes...

Steve: No...

Ricky: Cos when Mr. Ben sort of like.. goes back and wakes up next day he finds like a feather in his pocket, where he remembers he was a you know, a seventeenth century sort of squire or something... y'know what I mean?

Steve: (laughs) Ahhh- the classic episode of Mr. Ben when he becomes a seventeenth century squire...

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Oh, oh dear

Steve: Mr. Ben learns to play the harpsichord (laughs)

Ricky: But it's er, like when Mr. Ben, that, that black shopkeeper goes "Right, are you going to pay for that? You're not just going to go through that door