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This is a transcription of the [[12 October 2002]] episode, from [[Xfm Series 2]]<br>
This is a transcription of the [[12 October 2002]] episode, from [[Xfm Series 2]]<br>
''This article is currently being edited by Jimmy.''


==A Lung Feeling==
==A Lung Feeling==

Revision as of 17:13, 28 March 2010

This is a transcription of the 12 October 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

A Lung Feeling

Ricky: Strokes, er, Someday, I'm already annoyed!

Steve: I'm in a- I'm in a bad mood

Ricky: I've been here three minutes and I'm already annoyed.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh God.

Steve: Bring back Claire, I tell you.

Ricky: No, it's not his fault-

Steve: It is.

Ricky: -it's the whole place. The library's sh-shite, I tried to ge-- Oh God. I had to g-

Steve: Chill, chill, chill.

Ricky: I had to go to Capital library, er, oh-

Steve: Chill, chill, chill, chill.

Ricky: Fancy that, I had to go to Capital library to get a couple of records I wanted, right? Place is falling apart, the email's not working, it's so shoddy. He's had two weeks off. "Ooh, I'm on holiday." I mean, they, really, they might as well bulldoze this, honestly. 'Cause for all the- you know.

Steve: It is ludicrous.

Ricky: And, we get paid... peanuts.

Steve: You get paid, do you?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ah, and it really annoys me that you have to fight t- ah, anyway.

Steve: Anyway, just calm down-

Ricky: XFM 104.9-

Steve: -explain who we are.

Ricky: -I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl, you're back.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: How was it?

Karl: What, the holiday?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, it wasn't all fun was it, because me dad was in, er, was in hospital.

Ricky: Oh, but he wasn't-

Steve: He wasn't during the holiday.

Ricky: -not during the holiday though, was he? You came back from holiday and then found that out, didn't you?

Karl: Yeah, but it happened when I was on holiday.

Ricky: Did you know that though, When you were on holiday?

Karl: No, 'cos I didn't take me phone with me.

Steve: Well, that's our question-

Ricky: Yeah, okay.

Karl: But the weird thing is, I got- I got a feeling. When I was sat there. 'Cos it normally happens-

Ricky: It wasn't the nudist beach was it?

Karl: -when I first went away to-

Ricky: When you saw that old fella with his packet out?

Ricky sniggers

Karl: -when I went to Ibiza, right. I, er, I had a feeling, and I called home and me dad had punctured a lung.

Steve: When you say you had a feeling, what do you mean, a feeling?

Karl: Just like "Oh, I should call home, there's something not right."

Steve: Mmm. That's a very specific feeling, how did that ma-

Ricky laughs

Steve: -how did that manifest itself?

Ricky: Hold on-

Steve: How does that- how do you get that? What kind of feeling is that-

Ricky: Was it- was it- "Oh God, I'm getting-

Steve: -is that a tingling thing?

Ricky: -I'm getting a bit of a lung feeling.

Steve: Yeah, mmm.

Ricky: A bit of a dad lung feeling

Steve: That feels like- that feels like a punctured lung, mmm.

Ricky: Hold on-

Karl: But anyway...

Ricky: No, but anyway, holiday was good. We talked about it last... week anyway.

Steve: Let's- let's probe Karl about his holiday later-

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: -'cos, you know, that's the sort of thing that audiences will stay tuned for Rick, I'm pretty certain.

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: Yeah, sure, sure-

Steve: Find out more about-

Ricky: You know more about this radio business than me-

Steve: That's true enough.

Ricky: -you know, you've hooked them already.

Steve sniggers

Steve: Indeed, yeah.

Ricky: Erm-

Steve: Well, also I'm thinking, we've got nothing.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ever, now.

Steve: So- we may aswell save that.

Ricky: No, I resent it. I used to put a lot of work in, but now, I, you know, I think of the money, which is, you know, for me, pretty shoddy.

Steve sniggers

Steve: Well, yeah-

Ricky: You know what I mean? I don't usually get out of bed for-

Steve: -you make an awful lot of cash.

Ricky: Well exactly, yeah. And er, you know, and the whole thing, the whole setup... It was raining today, I thought, "I should have a cab in."

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: You know, and then the sun came out so I walked in again.

Steve: Mmm.

Steve laughs

Ricky sighs

Ricky: ...dear...

Steve: How are ya?

Ricky: But, erm, I'll tell you what, I got a bit criticised last week as well, that I- I only played ballads and same songs, so I'm gonna- I'm gonna rock out this week.

Steve: Ah, I'm loving it.

Ricky: I've been down to the Capital library-

Steve: Right.

Ricky: -to get some good tunes, and er, what about a little bit of AC/DC?

Steve: Ahhhh.

Ricky: "You shook me all night long."

Steve: Let's hear it.

Song: AC/DC - You Shook Me All Night Long


Basic Holiday Criteria

Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.

Steve: In a better mood now?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?

Steve: Now? Well, yeah.

Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.

Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.

Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?

Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?

Ricky: Yeah, already.

Steve: Okay, let's go.

Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.

Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?

Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: -birthday rules.

Karl: Well, there's no point...

Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Right, so err...

Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.

Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...

Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-

Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"

Steve: Right.

Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, no.

Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?

Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-

Steve: No.

Karl: -but the timing was right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-

Steve: You were in the mood.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."

Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-

Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.

Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's weird innit.

Steve: It is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?

Steve: Life is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?

Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: So anyway, right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Erm, not much there-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.

Steve: Are you?

Karl: No, what I mean is-

Steve laughs

Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.

Steve: In a better mood now?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?

Steve: Now? Well, yeah.

Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.

Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.

Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?

Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?

Ricky: Yeah, already.

Steve: Okay, let's go.

Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.

Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?

Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: -birthday rules.

Karl: Well, there's no point...

Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Right, so err...

Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.

Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...

Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-

Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"

Steve: Right.

Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, no.

Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?

Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-

Steve: No.

Karl: -but the timing was right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-

Steve: You were in the mood.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."

Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-

Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.

Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's weird innit.

Steve: It is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?

Steve: Life is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?

Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: So anyway, right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Erm, not much there-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.

Steve: Are you?

Karl: No, what I mean is-

Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.

Steve: In a better mood now?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Good.

Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?

Steve: Now? Well, yeah.

Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.

Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.

Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?

Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?

Ricky: Yeah, already.

Steve: Okay, let's go.

Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.

Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?

Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-

Ricky: I love it.

Steve: -birthday rules.

Karl: Well, there's no point...

Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky sniggers

Karl: Right, so err...

Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.

Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...

Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-

Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"

Steve: Right.

Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...

Steve: No.

Ricky: No, no.

Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?

Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-

Steve: No.

Karl: -but the timing was right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-

Steve: You were in the mood.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."

Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-

Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.

Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's weird innit.

Steve: It is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?

Steve: Life is strange.

Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?

Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: So anyway, right-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...

Ricky sniggers

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Erm, not much there-

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.

Steve: Are you?

Karl: No, what I mean is-

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: What-

Karl: -it'll be a good holiday. If you get a hotel, right, the weather's always good. So your- so- so you'll have a nice time.

Ricky: Yeah, there was a comma, yeah.

Steve: I see.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, go on.

Karl: Erm, and all that, and the food was alright. And err, and everything was going alright, I was just having a nice, relaxing... time.

Steve: And how do you sort of spend your time on a holiday? You just lie around? Is that-

Karl: That sort of holiday just lying around, I- I bought a book.

Steve: You bought a book?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Okay, ghosts?

Karl: No, it was- it was short stories, right-

Steve: About ghosts?

Karl: No, it was about, like, err, like, special days in our time, and time before me.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: And it was like, err, it was telling you about how in, I think it was 1814, the Thames frozen up.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And all these stories are told by eye- eye witnesses.

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Right, so there was some fella who was around in 1814, and, err, the Thames was frozen, and people used to, err, put market stalls on there-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -and they'd do their shopping, and it was like- it was like an Oxford Street.

Ricky: Was that Mad Liar Charlie?

Steve laughs

Ricky: No, 'cos he's famous for that.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, I'm sure, you know-

Ricky: Yeah, I think that was Mad Liar Charlie.

Karl: Right, so I was reading that and then after a couple of days I was a bit like "Oh..."

Steve: Boring.

Karl: Yeah, you can do- you can only do sort of so much lying around.

Steve: And so much reading.

Karl: So, err, Suzanne said "Well, let's go on the beach, have a walk."

Steve: You hadn't gone on the beach?

Ricky: Where had to been up to this point then? In the- In your room?

Karl: No, just like, around the pool, just- just relaxing-

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Sure, yeah.

Karl: -and having a swim and that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, so she said "Well, let's go on the beach." and I said "Oh, alright then, yeah." So, err, wandered down to the beach, and, err, first impressions are "Yeah, it's alright. It's clean."

Steve laughs

Karl: Err "Sea look good."

Steve: Your criteria is so basic, it's brilliant.

Ricky laughs

Steve: "Hotel, yes, roof, good, food, adequate, beach, clean. Next."

Karl: So, I'm walking along, and everything's good and, err, you know, there's a woman, err, feeding fish bread, which I thought "Well, that's different."

Ricky and Steve burst out laughing

Ricky: Oh, wh-

More laughing

Ricky: I love that. He likes originality. He loves a bit of originality.

Steve: She was feeding fish bread?!

Karl: This woman was there, like up to her- up to her knees in water-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And she was stood there-

Ricky: Was that the sea?

Karl: -chucking- yeah- ch-chucking this bread and I thought "What's she doing?" and I stood there and watched for a minute-

Ricky sniggers

Karl: -and there was little fish coming up, having the bread. I thought "Ah."

Ricky laughs

Karl: So we c- we carried on walking, and err, everything's going well, and then this fella comes towards me-

Steve: "Everything's going well."

Ricky: I know, yeah. "Yeah, that's original."

Steve: "I haven't fallen over."

Ricky: "Clean- clean, feeding bread, ah, two points for originality. Yeah, yeah."

Steve: "It's going well, it's going well."

Karl: Fella comes walking towards me-

Steve: Oi oi.

Karl: -he's only got no pants on.

Steve: Ohh.

Karl: So I said "Suzanne, what's going on?"

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Why does he turn to her? Like she knows more.

Karl: So she said- so she said "Oh, yeah, yeah, it's err..." She said "Yeah, it's a nudist beach."

Ricky: Is this going to be a long story, cos could- could you pour that coffee? Could you give me that coffee over?

Steve: Erm.

Ricky: Sorry- sorry, this is really bad. Ugh, yeah, cos he's pour- thank you.

Steve: Just amuse yourselves, while we-

Ricky: Thank you very much.

Steve: -sort the coffee.

Karl: Steve- Steve, do you want-

Steve: I'll have a cup of coffee Karl, thanks, yeah, cheers.

Ricky sips his cup of coffee

Ricky: Ugh. Cold. Right, good, okay.

Karl: So-

Steve: Great. Thank you.

Karl: So, she said "Yeah, it's a, err- it's a nudist beach." So I said "Well, why- wha-" I said "We're all mixed- mix- it's all mixed up." Normally on a nudist beach- it's a nudist beach innit, you don't go wandering on there when you've got your clothes on an' that.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: So, it annoyed me a bit, cos there wasn't any signs. So this fella is getting closer-

Ricky: Well the knob out was a sign.

Karl: Yeah. Right, so he's getting closer, and he walked past me, it was an old fella, err, and he walked past and he had a hat on and, err, and a little pipe-

Ricky sniggers

Karl: -and a big rucksack on his back. Right, so it got me think-

Ricky: So not strictly naked.

Karl: -I'm walking along and I'm thinking 'Right, why do people wanna do this?'. So straight away he was- I wasn't on holiday anymore, cos most of the time when i'm on holiday I don't think about anything.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Right, I just-

Steve: You're minds ablank.

Karl: -I just switch off.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Right. But all- all of a sudden this- this has got in me head now, and I've turned round to- to look at him, and-

Steve: Check out his arse.

Ricky bursts into more laughters

Karl: -and the bag- and this bag, right, I swear, it was-

Ricky: (???) Ballsack.

Karl: -it was MASSIVE, right.

Ricky: What?

Steve: He had a massive bag.

Karl: The- the bag- the-

Karl almost laughs

Steve: His rucksack.

Karl: His rucksack.

Ricky: Oh right, okay.

Karl: So-

Karl giggles quietly

Ricky: When I said- he said there's an old couple coming towards me, I said "What was lower, the bloke's testicles or the woman's tits?" and he said "That was another point, she might as well have wore knickers."

Steve laughs

Ricky: Cos it's so low- he could see- that's what he said, to me.

Steve: So you saw the bag...

Karl: So it annoyed me, yeah, because the whole idea innit- ah- this is what I think- I mean I might be wrong, right-

Ricky holds back laughter

Steve: Chances are-

Ricky: You never have been.

Steve: -quite strong.

Ricky: You never have been before.

Karl: Being nudist, right, what's it all about?

Ricky and Steve hold back more laughter

Steve: Tell you what, on that- on that.. point, Karl, let's play a tune- let's come back, and we'll discuss-

Ricky: What are we gonna play?

Steve: -we'll discuss that very issue. We have- we've got some ideas, we did chat about this last week, Karl, in your absence.

Karl: Alright. Well, we'll play the Coral...

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It's a good one this.

Song: The Coral - Dreaming Of You


I'm Not One for Getting Me Kit Off

Karl's New Ideas

This Young Man Prepared For His Death

He Hasn't Thought It Through

We Wouldn't Survive in the Real World

Let's Play Rockbusters

Educating Ricky

Eczema and a Boil

That Song's Got a Good Story

It'll Be Like Star Wars

Give Her a Rubik's Cube

Call to Confirm