12 October 2002/Transcript
This is a transcription of the 12 October 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2
A Lung Feeling
Ricky: Strokes, er, Someday, I'm already annoyed!
Steve: I'm in a- I'm in a bad mood
Ricky: I've been here three minutes and I'm already annoyed.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Oh God.
Steve: Bring back Claire, I tell you.
Ricky: No, it's not his fault-
Steve: It is.
Ricky: -it's the whole place. The library's sh-shite, I tried to ge-- Oh God. I had to g-
Steve: Chill, chill, chill.
Ricky: I had to go to Capital library, er, oh-
Steve: Chill, chill, chill, chill.
Ricky: Fancy that, I had to go to Capital library to get a couple of records I wanted, right? Place is falling apart, the email's not working, it's so shoddy. He's had two weeks off. "Ooh, I'm on holiday." I mean, they, really, they might as well bulldoze this, honestly. 'Cause for all the- you know.
Steve: It is ludicrous.
Ricky: And, we get paid... peanuts.
Steve: You get paid, do you?
Ricky laughs
Ricky: Ah, and it really annoys me that you have to fight t- ah, anyway.
Steve: Anyway, just calm down-
Ricky: XFM 104.9-
Steve: -explain who we are.
Ricky: -I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl, you're back.
Karl: Alright.
Ricky: How was it?
Karl: What, the holiday?
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Well, it wasn't all fun was it, because me dad was in, er, was in hospital.
Ricky: Oh, but he wasn't-
Steve: He wasn't during the holiday.
Ricky: -not during the holiday though, was he? You came back from holiday and then found that out, didn't you?
Karl: Yeah, but it happened when I was on holiday.
Ricky: Did you know that though, When you were on holiday?
Karl: No, 'cos I didn't take me phone with me.
Steve: Well, that's our question-
Ricky: Yeah, okay.
Karl: But the weird thing is, I got- I got a feeling. When I was sat there. 'Cos it normally happens-
Ricky: It wasn't the nudist beach was it?
Karl: -when I first went away to-
Ricky: When you saw that old fella with his packet out?
Ricky sniggers
Karl: -when I went to Ibiza, right. I, er, I had a feeling, and I called home and me dad had punctured a lung.
Steve: When you say you had a feeling, what do you mean, a feeling?
Karl: Just like "Oh, I should call home, there's something not right."
Steve: Mmm. That's a very specific feeling, how did that ma-
Ricky laughs
Steve: -how did that manifest itself?
Ricky: Hold on-
Steve: How does that- how do you get that? What kind of feeling is that-
Ricky: Was it- was it- "Oh God, I'm getting-
Steve: -is that a tingling thing?
Ricky: -I'm getting a bit of a lung feeling.
Steve: Yeah, mmm.
Ricky: A bit of a dad lung feeling
Steve: That feels like- that feels like a punctured lung, mmm.
Ricky: Hold on-
Karl: But anyway...
Ricky: No, but anyway, holiday was good. We talked about it last... week anyway.
Steve: Let's- let's probe Karl about his holiday later-
Ricky: Okay.
Steve: -'cos, you know, that's the sort of thing that audiences will stay tuned for Rick, I'm pretty certain.
Ricky sniggers
Ricky: Yeah, sure, sure-
Steve: Find out more about-
Ricky: You know more about this radio business than me-
Steve: That's true enough.
Ricky: -you know, you've hooked them already.
Steve sniggers
Steve: Indeed, yeah.
Ricky: Erm-
Steve: Well, also I'm thinking, we've got nothing.
Ricky laughs
Ricky: Ever, now.
Steve: So- we may aswell save that.
Ricky: No, I resent it. I used to put a lot of work in, but now, I, you know, I think of the money, which is, you know, for me, pretty shoddy.
Steve sniggers
Steve: Well, yeah-
Ricky: You know what I mean? I don't usually get out of bed for-
Steve: -you make an awful lot of cash.
Ricky: Well exactly, yeah. And er, you know, and the whole thing, the whole setup... It was raining today, I thought, "I should have a cab in."
Steve: Mmm.
Ricky: You know, and then the sun came out so I walked in again.
Steve: Mmm.
Steve laughs
Ricky sighs
Ricky: ...dear...
Steve: How are ya?
Ricky: But, erm, I'll tell you what, I got a bit criticised last week as well, that I- I only played ballads and same songs, so I'm gonna- I'm gonna rock out this week.
Steve: Ah, I'm loving it.
Ricky: I've been down to the Capital library-
Steve: Right.
Ricky: -to get some good tunes, and er, what about a little bit of AC/DC?
Steve: Ahhhh.
Ricky: "You shook me all night long."
Steve: Let's hear it.
Song: AC/DC - You Shook Me All Night Long
Basic Holiday Criteria
Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.
Steve: In a better mood now?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Good.
Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?
Steve: Now? Well, yeah.
Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.
Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.
Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?
Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?
Ricky: Yeah, already.
Steve: Okay, let's go.
Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.
Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?
Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."
Ricky sniggers
Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-
Ricky: I love it.
Steve: -birthday rules.
Karl: Well, there's no point...
Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky sniggers
Karl: Right, so err...
Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.
Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...
Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-
Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"
Steve: Right.
Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...
Steve: No.
Ricky: No, no.
Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."
Ricky sniggers
Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?
Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-
Steve: No.
Karl: -but the timing was right-
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-
Steve: You were in the mood.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."
Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-
Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.
Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.
Steve laughs
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: It's weird innit.
Steve: It is strange.
Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?
Steve: Life is strange.
Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?
Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Karl: So anyway, right-
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...
Ricky sniggers
Steve: Okay.
Karl: Erm, not much there-
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.
Steve: Are you?
Karl: No, what I mean is-
Steve laughs
Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.
Steve: In a better mood now?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Good.
Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?
Steve: Now? Well, yeah.
Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.
Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.
Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?
Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?
Ricky: Yeah, already.
Steve: Okay, let's go.
Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.
Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?
Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."
Ricky sniggers
Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-
Ricky: I love it.
Steve: -birthday rules.
Karl: Well, there's no point...
Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky sniggers
Karl: Right, so err...
Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.
Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...
Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-
Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"
Steve: Right.
Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...
Steve: No.
Ricky: No, no.
Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."
Ricky sniggers
Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?
Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-
Steve: No.
Karl: -but the timing was right-
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-
Steve: You were in the mood.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."
Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-
Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.
Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.
Steve laughs
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: It's weird innit.
Steve: It is strange.
Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?
Steve: Life is strange.
Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?
Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Karl: So anyway, right-
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...
Ricky sniggers
Steve: Okay.
Karl: Erm, not much there-
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.
Steve: Are you?
Karl: No, what I mean is-
Ricky: Well, that's cheered me up.
Steve: In a better mood now?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Good.
Ricky: That's great. Shall we- shall we rock out... today?
Steve: Now? Well, yeah.
Ricky: Bit of Led Zep maybe. Stones.
Steve: Brilliant, yeah. Some of the classics, no doubt.
Ricky: Yeah. When are we gonna talk about Karl?
Steve: Have we run out of stuff already?
Ricky: Yeah, already.
Steve: Okay, let's go.
Ricky: Okay, now, err, yeah.
Steve: So where did you go Karl? What was the story?
Karl: Erm, it was me birthday, right, erm, went home after doing- working with you a couple of Saturdays ago.
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: Right, err, girlfriend was like "Open your card, open your card." and I said "No, it's me birthday on Monday, I'll open it then."
Ricky sniggers
Steve: You obey by the rules, don't you, of birthdays-
Ricky: I love it.
Steve: -birthday rules.
Karl: Well, there's no point...
Steve: Well exactly, chaos lead that way.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky sniggers
Karl: Right, so err...
Ricky: Not an anarchist, never has been.
Karl: So anyway, sh- she was kept going on- and it was doing me head in so I said "Alright, I'll open it."
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: So I opened it, ticket fell out. Err, surprise holiday to one of the Canary Islands... So...
Steve: And what was your reaction? I mean-
Karl: First one was "We haven't got enough money... for this"
Steve: Right.
Karl: But I didn't want to ruin it, so...
Steve: No.
Ricky: No, no.
Karl: So- so I didn't go on about that. And I said "Oh, it'll be great." I said "I can't wait."
Ricky sniggers
Steve: Did you say it in that tone of voice?
Karl: Well, it was good timing, because I was tired and everything-
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: -and err, I'm not a big holiday fan-
Steve: No.
Karl: -but the timing was right-
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: -do you know what I mean? It's the same as last night, I don't always like a curry but last night-
Steve: You were in the mood.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: -you get that "Oh, yeah."
Ricky: Curry feel- you had- you had- you got a feeling-
Steve: A feeling, yeah, you had a feeling for curry.
Ricky: -and you thought "Hold on."- and then lo and behold, later you were eating the curry.
Steve laughs
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: It's weird innit.
Steve: It is strange.
Ricky: Innit weird, the paranormal?
Steve: Life is strange.
Ricky: Innit weird, innit weird?
Steve: They- they work in mysterious ways, ghosts.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Karl: So anyway, right-
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: -erm, the island, erm, if I was on Wish You Were Here, I'd probably say it's a bit barren...
Ricky sniggers
Steve: Okay.
Karl: Erm, not much there-
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: -but if you get a hotel, you're guaranteed good weather. Right.
Steve: Are you?
Karl: No, what I mean is-
Ricky and Steve laugh
Steve: What-
Karl: -it'll be a good holiday. If you get a hotel, right, the weather's always good. So your- so- so you'll have a nice time.
Ricky: Yeah, there was a comma, yeah.
Steve: I see.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah, go on.
Karl: Erm, and all that, and the food was alright. And err, and everything was going alright, I was just having a nice, relaxing... time.
Steve: And how do you sort of spend your time on a holiday? You just lie around? Is that-
Karl: That sort of holiday just lying around, I- I bought a book.
Steve: You bought a book?
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: Okay, ghosts?
Karl: No, it was- it was short stories, right-
Steve: About ghosts?
Karl: No, it was about, like, err, like, special days in our time, and time before me.
Ricky: Oh yeah.
Karl: And it was like, err, it was telling you about how in, I think it was 1814, the Thames frozen up.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: And all these stories are told by eye- eye witnesses.
Steve: Yeah, yeah.
Karl: Right, so there was some fella who was around in 1814, and, err, the Thames was frozen, and people used to, err, put market stalls on there-
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: -and they'd do their shopping, and it was like- it was like an Oxford Street.
Ricky: Was that Mad Liar Charlie?
Steve laughs
Ricky: No, 'cos he's famous for that.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Well, I'm sure, you know-
Ricky: Yeah, I think that was Mad Liar Charlie.
Karl: Right, so I was reading that and then after a couple of days I was a bit like "Oh..."
Steve: Boring.
Karl: Yeah, you can do- you can only do sort of so much lying around.
Steve: And so much reading.
Karl: So, err, Suzanne said "Well, let's go on the beach, have a walk."
Steve: You hadn't gone on the beach?
Ricky: Where had to been up to this point then? In the- In your room?
Karl: No, just like, around the pool, just- just relaxing-
Steve: Mmm.
Ricky: Sure, yeah.
Karl: -and having a swim and that.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Erm, so she said "Well, let's go on the beach." and I said "Oh, alright then, yeah." So, err, wandered down to the beach, and, err, first impressions are "Yeah, it's alright. It's clean."
Steve laughs
Karl: Err "Sea look good."
Steve: Your criteria is so basic, it's brilliant.
Ricky laughs
Steve: "Hotel, yes, roof, good, food, adequate, beach, clean. Next."
Karl: So, I'm walking along, and everything's good and, err, you know, there's a woman, err, feeding fish bread, which I thought "Well, that's different."
Ricky and Steve burst out laughing
Ricky: Oh, wh-
More laughing
Ricky: I love that. He likes originality. He loves a bit of originality.
Steve: She was feeding fish bread?!
Karl: This woman was there, like up to her- up to her knees in water-
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: And she was stood there-
Ricky: Was that the sea?
Karl: -chucking- yeah- ch-chucking this bread and I thought "What's she doing?" and I stood there and watched for a minute-
Ricky sniggers
Karl: -and there was little fish coming up, having the bread. I thought "Ah."
Ricky laughs
Karl: So we c- we carried on walking, and err, everything's going well, and then this fella comes towards me-
Steve: "Everything's going well."
Ricky: I know, yeah. "Yeah, that's original."
Steve: "I haven't fallen over."
Ricky: "Clean- clean, feeding bread, ah, two points for originality. Yeah, yeah."
Steve: "It's going well, it's going well."
Karl: Fella comes walking towards me-
Steve: Oi oi.
Karl: -he's only got no pants on.
Steve: Ohh.
Karl: So I said "Suzanne, what's going on?"
Ricky laughs
Ricky: Why does he turn to her? Like she knows more.
Karl: So she said- so she said "Oh, yeah, yeah, it's err..." She said "Yeah, it's a nudist beach."
Ricky: Is this going to be a long story, cos could- could you pour that coffee? Could you give me that coffee over?
Steve: Erm.
Ricky: Sorry- sorry, this is really bad. Ugh, yeah, cos he's pour- thank you.
Steve: Just amuse yourselves, while we-
Ricky: Thank you very much.
Steve: -sort the coffee.
Karl: Steve- Steve, do you want-
Steve: I'll have a cup of coffee Karl, thanks, yeah, cheers.
Ricky sips his cup of coffee
Ricky: Ugh. Cold. Right, good, okay.
Karl: So-
Steve: Great. Thank you.
Karl: So, she said "Yeah, it's a, err- it's a nudist beach." So I said "Well, why- wha-" I said "We're all mixed- mix- it's all mixed up." Normally on a nudist beach- it's a nudist beach innit, you don't go wandering on there when you've got your clothes on an' that.
Steve: Mmm.
Karl: So, it annoyed me a bit, cos there wasn't any signs. So this fella is getting closer-
Ricky: Well the knob out was a sign.
Karl: Yeah. Right, so he's getting closer, and he walked past me, it was an old fella, err, and he walked past and he had a hat on and, err, and a little pipe-
Ricky sniggers
Karl: -and a big rucksack on his back. Right, so it got me think-
Ricky: So not strictly naked.
Karl: -I'm walking along and I'm thinking 'Right, why do people wanna do this?'. So straight away he was- I wasn't on holiday anymore, cos most of the time when i'm on holiday I don't think about anything.
Ricky laughs
Karl: Right, I just-
Steve: You're minds ablank.
Karl: -I just switch off.
Ricky laughs
Karl: Right. But all- all of a sudden this- this has got in me head now, and I've turned round to- to look at him, and-
Steve: Check out his arse.
Ricky bursts into more laughters
Karl: -and the bag- and this bag, right, I swear, it was-
Ricky: (???) Ballsack.
Karl: -it was MASSIVE, right.
Ricky: What?
Steve: He had a massive bag.
Karl: The- the bag- the-
Karl almost laughs
Steve: His rucksack.
Karl: His rucksack.
Ricky: Oh right, okay.
Karl: So-
Karl giggles quietly
Ricky: When I said- he said there's an old couple coming towards me, I said "What was lower, the bloke's testicles or the woman's tits?" and he said "That was another point, she might as well have wore knickers."
Steve laughs
Ricky: Cos it's so low- he could see- that's what he said, to me.
Steve: So you saw the bag...
Karl: So it annoyed me, yeah, because the whole idea innit- ah- this is what I think- I mean I might be wrong, right-
Ricky holds back laughter
Steve: Chances are-
Ricky: You never have been.
Steve: -quite strong.
Ricky: You never have been before.
Karl: Being nudist, right, what's it all about?
Ricky and Steve hold back more laughter
Steve: Tell you what, on that- on that.. point, Karl, let's play a tune- let's come back, and we'll discuss-
Ricky: What are we gonna play?
Steve: -we'll discuss that very issue. We have- we've got some ideas, we did chat about this last week, Karl, in your absence.
Karl: Alright. Well, we'll play the Coral...
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: It's a good one this.
Song: The Coral - Dreaming Of You