15 March 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 15 March 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

When the Winds Were Bad in the '70s

Song: Coldplay - Clocks

Ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) "Clocks" from The Coldplay--

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: On XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and back Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Ehhh!

Ricky: He's rarin' to go. That's nice when you have a bit of time off, innit?

Steve: Yeah, how long have you had off now then, Karl?

Ricky: About three weeks.

Steve: About three weeks, is it?

Ricky: About three weeks, yeah. Uhm, we can't do that because we're sort of self-employed and we'd be lettin' people down but it's different when you're- you know, you get payed anyway whether you turn up or not but good to have you back. Good to have you--

Karl: I'm not a- I'm never off ill.

Ricky: No. Good--

Karl: This is the first time--

Steve: No, I just--

Karl: That I've been off ill at XFM.

Ricky: Well, no, just- just shoot off for two weeks and then you're off--

Steve: No, I just wish I was the kind of person who could let down an audience--

Ricky: I know. Really--

Steve: Of regular listeners.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah, but like I say--

Ricky: Well, no, we spoke to you, you weren't that bad- a cold- you don't go in for a cold. Uh, we were discussing this last night in the pub and, uh, you know, you don't go in for a cold. Uhm, okay then, moving on, what have we got, then? We've got some great songs, I brought--

Karl: It wasn't a cold though.

Ricky: In The Smiths, I brought in Buzzcocks, I brought in Neil Young, I know Steve's got some hip hop.

Steve: Some great hip hop, hooray!

Ricky: Some great Elvis Costello. It's gonna be great. Karl come on, (Taps Desk) concentrate. You've been away three weeks.

Karl: It just annoys me- no, stop sayin' that--

Ricky: W--

Karl: Cuz you're annoyin' me now.

Ricky: Why?... W- what are you gonna do? Go home ill? (Mocking Voice) "Ohh. Ooh, he's annoyed me." "Oh, has he?" "Yeah--"

Steve: (Mocking Voice) "I got a bit of a headache!"

Ricky: (Mocking Voice) "I put on wet jeans, I'm a little bit annoyed."

Karl Mumbles

Ricky: (Mocking Voice) "Can I have some time off but still get payed?" "Yes, of course you can, Karl."

Karl: Steve, right, he called me up, winding me up about this--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: And, right, I'm- I'm nearly- I'm thirty, right- I'm thirty now--

Ricky Giggles Quietly

Karl: I can only remember being off two times.

Ricky: Oh, his memory's goin' as well. You'll have some time off.

Steve Chuckles

Karl: And both of them were when I- when I was at school. One- one--

Ricky: "Scyull?" What's "scyull"?

Karl: One when it was windy...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Why did you have to have off cuz it was windy?

Steve: But, to be honest, Karl, that lasted for seven years--

Ricky: No- no wait- (Laughing) yeah, yeah.

Steve: Your time off at school.

Ricky: Wait, wait, wait, why did you have time off cuz it was windy?

Steve: Were you windy or was it windy outside?

Karl: No, it was a really- it was like when--

Ricky: Your auntie wasn't out the window, was she?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: When- when the winds were bad in the seventies and me mam said, "Oooh--"

Ricky: What'd you- whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoahhh. I remember space hoppers and flares--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: I don't remember the winds being bad in the seventies.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Well me- me mam just said, uhh, "You might get blown into the road so don't go in."

Ricky Bursts Into Laughter

Ricky: She had so much faith in you, didn't she... as a human being?

Steve: Is that why she got fired from the pie shop?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: "I'm not coming in today, I might get blown into the road."

Ricky: God, they- ohh God.

Karl: The funny thing was, right, Steve, they had this- this thing goin' at school - cuz a lot of kids used to wag it back then, right--

Steve: Used to what?

Karl: Wag it - sort of, not go in.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: And, ehm, they, sort of, tried to make it interesting for you by giving you a--

Steve: An education?

Karl: A certificate.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Certificate if you did a full week.

Ricky: A reward for the rest of your life--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Ricky: With achievement. That sort of- that sort of carrot.

Steve: Mm.

Karl: And also, like, let you got home at three o'clock on a Friday--

Ricky: Right.

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: If you'd done a- like, a full week and that, right.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So it was a- it was lovely weather all week, then it just, sort of, changed on a Friday--

Ricky Almost Laughs

Karl: And I got off and it was all windy and me mam said--

Ricky: It's always windy on Fridays and Sundays, innit?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: Uhh, "Don't- don't, you know- if you don't want, don't go in cuz you might get blown into the road and that."

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: So I said, "All right then, I'll stay off." And, uhhhm--

Ricky: Sorry, why didn't she... told you held on- hold on to a fence or--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: Walk ya there. What's this "don't go out, you might get blown--"

Steve: "Immediately give up."

Ricky: I love this "getting blown into the road". Is that based on your cats that kept gettin' blown into the road?

Karl: Well... So, I got to- got to school on Monday, right, and the teacher said, "Right--"

Ricky: Took you a long time.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: "Today, uh, to punish you - you were the only one who wrecked the whole week, right- everyone else came in, you didn't, so everyone else is going home at three o'clock today... but you're not."

Steve: Brilliant. Serves you right and, uh- and--

Karl: I wasn't bothered though, it was great cuz I said, "Well, you'll have to stay with me, won't ya?"

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: And it's great. So, all I did for half an hour was doodle and stuff. It was great- little afternoon.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And that- that was ages ago. That was, like, when I was about... eight. And that's one of the times I was off ill.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So.. eight--

Steve: But that wasn't even ill, that was wind.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, yeah. So...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah, it's a bit different when you're--

Steve: To be honest with you--

Ricky: In the adult world though, Karl. You can't just not turn up because you've got a bit of a cold or you're a bit fed up... I mean, we had an appointment four o'clock Thursday, wasn't it, and he had to call up, he said, "Aw, cancel it", I went on, "meeting went a little bit late."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (Tsk Sound) (Banging the Desk on each Word) Time management. Get things done. If it was important, you'd get it done. Play a record, Karl.

Steve: Pull your finger out please.

Song: Elvis Costello - Alison