22 December 2001/Transcript

This is a transcript of the 22 December 2001 episode, from Xfm Series 1

Flip The Bird

Joins Previous show with Steve and Ricky mid-conversation with presenter Dermot O'Leary and his Co-Presenter...

Ricky: We don’t know…

Steve: Yeah, The problem with me is it’s like when you multiply anything with naught.

Co-Presenter and Ricky Laugh

Co-Presenter: To the power of as well…

Steve: Nothing ever happens.

Co-Presenter: Yeah, okay shame.

Ricky: And I’m a fat little ugly fella like that Reg Varney.

Dermot: Were there loads of people there that you don’t like and you could go up to afterwards and almost like metaphorically flip the bird?

Ricky: What’s that mean?

Dermot: Last week…you know “Flip the Bird”.

Ricky: You dirty…No.

Dermot: Middle finger.

Ricky: And you see I’m married, Steve’s single and he doesn’t…

Dermot: No what are you talking about…and there’s lots of people there…

Ricky: I thought it was a euphemism…sorry.

Dermot: …Who you haven’t got on with in the past, and then they’re all being really nice to you…

Steve: We got on with everyone don’t we?

Ricky: What does “Flip the bird” mean?

Dermot: Flip the bird means……you’ve got that hipster thing.

Steve: The finger, it means giving the finger.

Ricky: Yeah but I thought there was a dirty metaphor.

Dermot: No!

Steve: You’re always thinking this!

Dermot: Don’t bring me down to your level till at least 5 minutes…Coming up after the break we’ve got Steve and Ricky and the lovely Claire will be driving their desk. Alright Claire?

Claire: Hello!

Dermot: Don’t bend over like that Claire.

Claire: Sorry!

Dermot: Put a longer top on or something. You alright boys, you your very studious there.

Steve: We are, we’re working hard on the show.

Ricky: Just working out what we’re gonna play Dermot and what order!

Dermot Laughs

Ricky: Ummm

Dermot: I love the way you even live the pretence.

Co-Presenter: What about some Foo Fighters mixed with The Strokes, Ricky?

Ricky: I wouldn’t mind a bit of The Strokes or New Order, what shall we kick in with?

Steve: Err undecided yet Rick probably got some ads to err to help us decide.

Dermot: That dilemma.

Steve: Some advertising.

Dermot: That dilemma will be revealed in just under four minutes, stick around for it.

Steve: Merry Christmas Dermot.

Clean For Christmas

Song:New Order - Crystal

Ricky: New Order and Crystal on XFM 104.9 now this is the Ricky Gervais Show obviously.

Steve: With Steve Merchant right.

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah…

Steve: Well they like to know if I’m here.

Ricky: Take it as red, they don’t like to know.

Steve: The fans do.

Ricky: Yeah, um now that was one of my favourite singles of the year.

Steve: Yeah, it’s a good song.

Ricky: And that’s what we’re going to be doing in this program.

Steve: We are going to be playing some of our favourite songs of the year that’s absolutely true.

Ricky: We’ll also be playing some songs that maybe we don’t like.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Just for the hell of it.

Steve: Yeah ‘cause we’re crazy guys!

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: We never know what’s going to happen next.

Ricky: No, we don’t.

Steve: Err, guess who’s pressing the buttons.

Ricky: We genuinely don’t!

Steve: Well you know who’s pressing the buttons, you can see her but the audience can’t.

Ricky: That’s why we don’t know what’s going to happen next.

Claire Laughs

Steve: It’s Sturgess.

Ricky: We’ve got Sturgess in.

Steve: Claire Sturgess, XFM’s Claire Sturgess.

Ricky: Yep, yep.

Steve: She’s stayed off it for just a day.

Claire: Yeah…

Ricky: She’s not no no she’s just…

Steve: She’s clean for a day.

Ricky: Are you on methadone or, what you on?

Claire: No, no I’m clean now!

Ricky: You’re actually clean are you? Well done.

Claire: Yeah absolutely.

Steve: Yeah well done, congratulations yeah!

Ricky and Steve Clap

Claire: Thanks

Ricky: That’s great yeah.

Steve: You’re Clean for Christmas! That’s beautiful.

Ricky: You’re still thieving though aren’t you!

Claire Laughs

Steve: Still the thieving, you just can’t lose the thieving.

Ricky: Just out of habit and it…But at least the money now goes on you know like 40 Benson as opposed a little £5 starter pack…of Skag.

Steve: It’s lovely, yeah. Aw it’s sweet! It’s nice to see a little a little miracle for Christmas, Rick. Its beautiful.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah it’s lovely yeah!

Steve: Yeah I’m already in the Christmas mood. Are you in the Christmas mood?

Ricky: I don’t…the thing is though what she’s still got left over from it and these are the scars and the reminders of your smackhead thieving days.

Steve and Claire Laugh

Ricky: Oh, those little homemade tattoos on her face.

Steve: Exactly, exactly.

Ricky: That she did with a pin!

Steve: Yeah, she looks like Seal.

Ricky: Yeah and some Quink.

Steve: Exactly ha-ha.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Steve: Ah but no, Merry Christmas to you Claire.

Ricky: Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Claire: Thank you, Merry Christmas to you.

Steve: You still living in the Projects?

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: It is, it is one of those little miracles…

Steve: She’s still keeping it real, it’s wonderful.

Ricky: Like that little Tiny Tim.

Steve: I tell you what; she’s a bit like Jesus Christ.

Ricky: In a way yeah, yeah

Steve: In a way.

Ricky: That’s blasphemous, please play a record Claire.

Steve Laughs

The Man With The Knowledge

Song:Ten Benson – Black Snow

Ricky: Ten Benson that’s Black Snow, that’s a great tune.

Steve: Good song isn’t it.

Ricky: I love it. It’s sort punk but it’s got more in common with stuff like Steppenwolf and Bad Company.

Steve: My only worry is that erm, are they like 18 year olds who, like Gomez, are trying to sound like they’ve kind of had a rough hard living life?

Claire: No no no.

Steve: They are old 40 somethings?

Claire: Well no no they’re not they sort of but they’re, they’re dirty.

Steve: Good good.

Claire: Yeh.

Steve: You notice that Steve Taylor, the man with the knowledge, just popped in then.

Ricky: Just popped in.

Steve: Wished us a merry Christmas and I noticed Claire you said something like err, has he got another kid did you say?

Claire: Yeh.

Steve: How many children has he got?

Claire: I think he’s got the two now. Yeh.

Steve: Clearly he has got the knowledge hasn’t he, in every sense.

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: I imagine he’s a great lover.

Ricky: He knows…

Steve: I imagine he’s got wonderful fingers.

Ricky: He knows what buttons.

Steve: Magic fingers.

Ricky: Well he’s actually got little toady hands, he uses a lot of utensils.

Steve Laughs

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: He's invented all these little things that go…

Ricky makes electronic noises

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: And it’s over very quickly so he can get on with learning.

Steve: Pleasure gloves!

Ricky: Yeh cos even when he’s making love there’s a stack of trivia books.

Steve: Exactly, exactly.

Steve: Well he can tell you about great shags of the past.

Ricky: Yeh yeh he’s heard here he comes.

Steve: Here he comes.

Ricky: Oh I love him cos you don’t know this listeners but he looks like Penfold off of DangerMouse.

Steve: He’s a beautiful man. It hasn’t stopped him breeding!

Ricky: Yeh yeh it’s not usually called breeding.

Steve: The man with the...

Ricky: You don’t usually call it breeding when it’s humans.

Ricky and Steve Clap

Steve: Steve Taylor the man with the knowledge.

Ricky: Come in, come in.

Steve: Merry Christmas to you.

Ricky: It’s like Steve Wright and his posse. Alright Merry Christmas.

Steve Taylor: Hi.

Ricky: Hi.

Steve Taylor: Hi.

Steve Taylor: Stop that now.

Steve: Are you a great ladies man, were you a great ladies man before you were married?

Steve Taylor: It’s not the sort of thing I normally talk about, I’m married now.

Ricky: Because right, because he’s sort of like got a little shaved head and he’s got a beard and its exactly the same colour sort of ginger hair he looks like a tennis ball. It’s just hair of exactly the same length all over his head.

Steve Taylor: There was no reason for me to come in was there. The abuse was happening without me here.

Ricky: Yeh I know.

Steve Taylor: And now I’ve come in you just continue.

Ricky: But say hello so it’s with your blessing and they’ll think were nice. Say Merry Christmas.

Steve Taylor: Hi, Merry Christmas all listeners.

Ricky: So you’re on at 5 o clock aren’t you?

Steve Taylor: Erm… yeh.

Ricky: Right I’m going to make a note of that.

Steve: Make a note of that.

Ricky: When I’ve bought those two albums I’m going to listen to Steve Taylor the man with the knowledge on at 5 o’clock on Xfm.

Steve: Rick isn’t it incredible because he’s been in since 11 o’clock this morning just compiling information for every record he’ll be playing, the shows only 20 minutes long.

Ricky: You know with him it’s cos he’s gotta offload it.

Steve: Yeh.

Ricky: He’s gotta talk about it all the time cos you know he’s got a huge brain and its...

Ricky makes a throbbing sound

Ricky: …it’s going.

Steve: Throbbing.

Ricky: All information.

Steve Taylor: What you playing next Claire?

Ricky: Are you bored? Sorry were we boring you, you two?

Steve Taylor: It’s just that list, isn’t it cute yeh.

Steve: Can you tell us about Starsailor what do you know, some interesting facts about Starsailor?

Ricky: Come on into the microphone, into the micropole that goes down the loudybox and out to the radiograph in the homes all around Engloid.

Steve Laughs

Steve Taylor: They’re rubbish.

Ricky: Thank you.

Steve: Steve Taylor, controversial view. Still he has bred people.

What You Want To Buy Is A Pornographic Magazine

Song: The Hives – Main Offender

Ricky: Hives, Hives. Before that Starsailor. It’s been a bit of a punk sort of show this hasn’t it.

Steve: It has and I’ve enjoyed it.

Ricky: You know the whole years been a little bit of a, I blame the strokes but you see I, I, I enjoyed punk, you were too young and don’t care for it but.

Steve: Well I have to say if punk the first time round was exciting as I’ve found it this year then I’ve missed out because I’ve really enjoyed it, really enjoyed it.

Ricky: See I wanna go and play you all my things like X-Ray Spex and you know things like that now.

Steve: Are they as kind of melodic though as things like The Strokes and erm White Stripes and so on? Are they kind of tuneful? ‘Cos…

Ricky: Well.

Steve: …The White Stripes album…

Ricky: Well in fact I’ve picked a very bad example because they were sort of like pop punk and Poly Styrene was almost she wasn’t a… wasn’t a joke but erm they had saxophones and stuff so it’s like.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: So it’s probably a bad example of early punk.I mean The Sex Pistols summed it all up.

Steve: Yeh sure sure.

Ricky: But err well we we enjoyed that didn’t we.

Steve: We did I have to say though although there has been a nice bit of sort of punky sound this year, for me it’s been very much a year for the geeks. You’d have thought id of enjoyed that but actually...

Ricky: Well that’s nu metal though isn’t it?

Steve: Well it is the nu metal.

Ricky: These people who are like in their bedroom playing sort of computer games and listening to Limp Bizkit…

Steve: I can’t believe that nu metal has taken over the world. It’s just incredible.

Ricky: Its mad isn’t it, it’s absolutely huge.

Steve: Suddenly Linkin Park and err...

Ricky: See I don’t mind things like Marilyn Manson cos they’re you know they’re having a go and they’re having a bit of a laugh and you know, but I just.

Steve: But it always seemed so perennially un-cool to me when I was younger, anyone who was into that kind of music I just thought loser, and that’s…

Ricky: And coming from you.

Steve: …Kettle calling the pot black…

Ricky: Yeh. Imagine that.

Steve: But it’s the year of the geeks but not just cos of nu metal but also kind of these fantasy films with the Harry Potter stuff and now Lord of the Rings it seems like everybody’s obsessed with the fantasy stuff.

Ricky: Now it’s cool to play dungeons and dragons.

Steve: I know I can’t get over it, I’m stunned.

Ricky: Scary isn’t it?

Steve: Cos even I was never into that rubbish.

Ricky: No definitely not.

Steve: Its like people who are still obsessed with Harry Potter, they go I’m rereading harry potter for the third time and I’m thinking listen I haven’t read it, I’m sure it’s very good but your rereading it for the third time? There are books out there written by adults for adults, with like sex and other exciting things in…

Ricky: Yeh.

Steve: And its Harry Potter yeh like in case you’ve missed something the first time round.

Ricky: But maybe they’re learning the spells.

Steve: I’m just I’m stunned by it I mean I have you read it all Claire, are you all up on this?

Claire: What Harry Potter? I actually went out and bought the first Harry Potter book and lost interest half way through.

Steve: Of course.

Claire: Because there was no sex in it.

Steve: No exactly.

Claire: So I couldn’t be bothered.

Steve: It’s like why I never go and see any Disney films, because there’s never the prospect of any nudity if that’s, if there’s no chance of nudity.

Ricky: You see I think you’re actually buying the wrong books, what you wanna buy Steve is a pornographic magazine.

Steve: Tell me more.

Ricky: Well in there, you see, what you get is…

Steve: Ladies?...

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Are there ladies?

Ricky: Sometimes.

Steve: Nudey ladies?…

Ricky: Sometime Ladies…