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Ricky and Steve open the show promoting "people you hate" and then whoring themselves out to potential new employers. Now a song.
==Track Listing==
Satire and more satire. What do you like? Foreigners!
"You know my favorite country --- Africa" says Ricky.


another song. then..."how does Chinese work? Translating Chinese--the drawings.
====1. [[26_July_2003/Transcript#We.27ve_Done_Smut.2C_We.27ve_Done_Innuendo_..|We've Done Smut, We've Done Innuendo ...]] ''(0:00:00)''====
"Even the French give it a try...etc." And the Germans.
Maybe some Neil Yunge.  Big 'em up.  The "Who Do You Hate" list continues.  Mass murderers and politicans? What's the difference?  (Ooh, satire). When you email in, send them a lottery ticket. Ricky reads off the list so far and is annoyed by Davina McCall and her "Big Mother" t-shirt. Graham Norton is just approaching from behind. If any of the producers of ''Carry On London'' are listening ... Karl, press the knob to start the record "Spunk".  
The Chinese--no effort. One symbol for a whole sentence.


After Longview's "Further" - Ricky reintroduces the comedy trio, with Stephen adding "[[The Holy Trinity]]" at the end. (This being the origin of the collective term formerly used on the forum for Ricky, Stephen & Karl "HTC").
====2. [[26_July_2003/Transcript#We_Would_Like_to_Get_on_Some_Kind_of_Satire_Show_Please|We Would Like to Get on Some Kind of Satire Show Please]] ''(0:03:37)''====
Ricky wishes Tony Blair would stop doing stuff wrong. Pete Mandelson is good because he's gay.  Ricky likes foreigners and all the mad shit they get up to. EuroDisney is good. Ricky's favourite country is Africa.
Ricky and Steve would love to speak to a Chinaman or Chinaman-woman.
Chinatown in London is not a town ~ it's more of a novelty street
But, they are non-scrutable. You could not scrute a Chinaman for love nor money.
Steve though would like to scrute a China-woman.


After Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" there's more China talk. Benny Hill China-speak.
====3. [[26_July_2003/Transcript#How_Does_Chinese_Work.3F|How Does Chinese Work?]] ''(0:05:36)''====
[[The Holy Trinity]].  Steve has an important question about language and Ricky thinks it's a speech impediment.  Germans at least try.  The main dialect of Chinese is Gobbledygook. Steve would like to speak to a Chinaman, or a Chinamanwoman - someone who is a professor or who works in a chip shop, but someone who was born in Chinaland.  [[Chinatown Is Not A Town]].  You cannot scrute a Chinaman.  Call in if you can teach Ricky and Steve the basics of Chinese.


Cheeky Freak of the Week, Karl not wanting to bring it back. But there's a fella with two dicks. Karl still wanting to put it on hold for the moment.
====4. [[26_July_2003/Transcript#Just_An_Old_Fat_Guy_With_a_Beard|Just An Old Fat Guy With a Beard]] ''(0:09:25)''====
No one is calling up about Chinese.  Benny Hill could speak some Chinese, which is enough to get you by in Peking.  Karl's still struggling with English.  People are emailing in about Karl not leaving.  Someone wanted to bring back [[Cheeky Freak of the Week]] but Karl's not allowed.  Ricky wants him to do his story about a fella born with two dicks. Ricky did a photo shoot at a zoo this week and an orangutan there had escaped, but Karl was not impressed.  Karl's thoughts on the anteater.  Steve does not understand the appeal of Madame Tussaud's.  Looky-likeys are similarly an odd concept.  Steve uses the word "buxom".  Ricky has a look alike now.


Ricky tells of a photo shoot at the zoo, and an orangutan escaped. Karl not impressed, because they caught the orangutan and brought it back. (It didn't go to Spain, etc.)
====5. [[26_July_2003/Transcript#This_Show.27s_Been_a_Bit_Naughty|This Show's Been a Bit Naughty]] ''(0:15:43)''====
Some new additions to The Hate List.  Daniel Bedingfield is such a nob; conversely, Steve Merchant loves him.  [[Songs of Phrase]] is "Why Don't They Play the Game of Swingball?"  Karl makes an offensive statement.  As long as you say something good about someone, you can say something bad.  Ricky is in an uproar.  [[The Chinese Don't Age Well]].  The teacher in ''Karate Kid'' was only about 36.  Fact. Some great prizes include the free CD from today's ''Daily Mirror'', a summer CD, the Fast Food Rockers, and more. Ricky interrupts the reading of the prizes with an idea he has for a new feature ([[Proposed Features|"Good and Bad"]]).


The anteater...if an animal is named for what it eats, how interesting is it? says Karl.
====6. [[26_July_2003/Transcript#Another_Pointless_Inane_Poll|Another Pointless Inane Poll]] ''(0:22:07)''====
Good and Bad: people in wheelchairs?  Steve has a long disclaimer regarding their disattachment to The Hate List; that said, well done. Karl doesn't hate anyone. He used to fancy Davina but he's bored with her. Ricky compiles Karl's Hate List.


Steve--the wax museum. What is the appeal? Everyone agrees. Rubbish.
====7. [[26_July_2003/Transcript#KP_Looks_After_Me|KP Looks After Me]]  ''(0:27:12)''====
The hate poll...more input. Remember, we don't get involved, says Ricky. Then, our hands are clean. The top 5 or 10 upcoming. And from that, another vote for the top 3.
This show is monkey heavy. If Karl were president, would everyone have a monkey?  Karl has a story about a couple who couldn't have kids who bought a "kid" for £3 grand from a dodgy email address.  Ricky is livid. [[Suzanne]] watched the news and tried to get Karl to, but he read about the mouse with an ear on its back instead. What would Karl's slogan be if he were president?  If he were in charge, he'd think about it for a bit and ask Suzanne.  Karl pontificates on homosexuality and somehow the conversation turns towards being brought up in a jungle.


Songs of phrase time. "Tell me why don't they play the game of swingball", which was a phrase from only the past week about the Wimbledon wheelchair tennis players.
====8. [[26_July_2003/Transcript#Stop_Taking_Me_to_Alton_Towers.21|Stop Taking Me to Alton Towers!]] ''(0:35:46)''====
Karl is amazed by the body.  A brief mention of the [[Infinite monkey theorem]]. Karl thinks if you don't know about women, maybe you wouldn't crave for them.  A fella in a coma for 20 years. Has Karl been in an accident?


"This show has been a bit naughty," says Ricky. Artist or song?
====9. [[26_July_2003/Transcript#You_All_Win_a_Prize|You All Win a Prize]] ''(0:41:41)''====
But we are strongly behind the guise of irony, satire, and ignorance. Karl has only ignorance. And hate.
Think they'll ever find The Missing Link, wandering around Manchester? Songs of Phrase answers and the results of The Hate List.


Karl pipes in with more Chinese stuff. NOOOOO! yells Ricky, because Karl is still going on about the Chinese not aging well.
====10. [[26_July_2003/Transcript#Come_On_Baby.2C_Light_a_Fire|Come On Baby, Light a Fire]] ''(044:14)''====
Songs of Phrase played again. Steve reads the prizes now.
Ricky talks about determinism. What if you changed one word in classic songs?  If Karl was President, he'd take some time to think.


Top 5 on the hate list from the XFM listeners: in no particular order--
====11. [[26_July_2003/Transcript#A_Monkey_Who_Did_Something_Impossible|A Monkey Who Did Something Impossible]] ''(0:48:15)''====
Chris Tarrant, Davina McCall, Patrick Kielty, Graham Norton, and Chris Moyles.  
[[Monkey News]] this week is a woman on a London to Brighton bike ride who encounters a rider on a tricycle.  


==Quotes==
'''Ricky''':  Karl, you cannot not do a feature about a fella born with two dicks.<br>
'''Karl''':  Well, we'll look if we need it, I mean how much more have you got on the Chinese? <br>
<br>
'''Karl''':  If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it? <br>
<br>
'''Ricky''':  If you think that me and Steve are being offensive, we are strongly behind the guise of irony, satire and ignorance.  Karl, only has ignorance, and hate.<br>


Ricky--another pointless inane poll. And this time WE did it!
<br>
'''Ricky''': Radiohead... there.. and 'go to sleep' on XFM 104.9... DON'T GO TO SLEEP we've got some more fun and great tunes coming up... alright. <br>


The bottom line....most people on the list are just on the telly too much.
And now another playing of the Songs of Phrase for the week.


Ricky now asks what would be on Karl's list: Liverpudlians, gays in toilets?
<br>
Karl: Well, we've sorted that out, haven't we?
'''Karl''': As long as you say something good about someone, you can always say something bad about someone.<br>
'''Steve''': How does that work?!<br>
'''Ricky''': Go on then, give us an example!<br>
'''Karl''': Well, Chinese.<br>
'''Ricky''': Yeah.<br>
'''Karl''': Yeah.<br>
'''Ricky''': Yeah.<br>
'''Karl''': Great people. [Ricky sniggers]<br>
'''Ricky''': Right, good.<br>
'''Karl''': Women, women really good looking.... as younger people.<br>
'''Ricky''': [Ricky explodes] '''NOOOOOOOOOOOO!''' WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?<br>
'''Karl''': I'm just saying... as long as you, you know what, I mean there's good and bad in everything...<br>
'''Ricky''': Well, what are the old ones like?!<br>
'''Karl''': They don't age well!<br>
'''Ricky''': [Ricky Explodes] '''OOOOOOOOHHHFFFFFFFFFUUU!!!'''<br>
'''Steve''': What do you mean?<br>
'''Karl''': The fella in the Karate Kid - the teacher, was only about 36! [Ricky and Steve laugh]<br>
'''Ricky''': [whilst laughing] We started this, we started this!<br>
'''Karl''': Fact.


Now a discussion of what would Karl do if he were President or PM. But first, the couple who adopted a kid, but it turned out they had been sold a chimp instead off a dodgy email address, for £3000. But as it got older, it got hairier.
==Songs of Phrase==
Ricky: "You maniac...you stupid manc twat. Don't talk shit! Are you mental! ...They're born hairy!"...
'''Tell Me Why Don't They Play The Game Of Swing Ball'''


<br>The Specials - "Why?" (Tell me why, tell me why, tell me why)
<br>Jermaine Jackson - "Do What You Do" (don't they)
<br>Wayne Fontana & The Mindbenders - "Play The Game Of Love" (play the game of)
<br>Louis Armstrong - "It Don't Mean A Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing)" (swing)
<br>Queen - "Don't Stop Me Now" (ball.)


What would we do if Karl ran the country for a week?
==Trivia==
Now the discussion of what Karl would do if he were ruler (He wouldnt be bothered).
'''The Hate List''' as compiled from the Xfm listener votes:<br>
But he did think of a campaign slogan: "K-P looks after me!"
5. Davina McCall<br>
Ricky: "I'm a K-P nut!"
4. Christopher Tarrant<br>
Karl: "Would I have to worry about all those problems?"
3. and 2. (tie) Graham Norton and Patrick Kielty<br>
1. [[Chris Moyles]]


And now a discussion of what would happen if a bloke grew up in a jungle with no girls around. Would he go gay or have the desire for women?
==Playlist==
Jane's Addiction - ''Just Because'' <br>
Neil Young - ''Walk On'' <br>
Longview - ''Further''<br>
Led Zeppelin - ''Whole Lotta Love''<br>
Pharrell Williams - ''Frontin''<br>
Radiohead - ''Go to Sleep''<br>
The Darkness - ''I Believe in a Thing Called Love''<br>
The Monkees - ''Pleasant Valley Sunday''<br>
Elbow - ''Fallen Angel''<br>
Snoop Dogg - ''Who Am I? (What's My Name?)''<br>
Feeder - ''Forget About Tomorrow''<br>
[[David Bowie]] - ''Sorrow''<br>


Again, Karl can't understand the monkeys and typewriters problem because he doesn't understand the concept of infinity.
==External Links==
 
* [http://youtube.com/watch?v=7AvhBZtciIk How Does Chinese Work?] YouTube video
More gay jungle discussion an' that.
* [http://www.madame-tussauds.co.uk/ Madam Tussaud's in London]
Karl: "It's weird, innit".
* [https://web.archive.org/web/20041222192803/http://www.xfm.co.uk/Article.asp?id=36957 More info on this episode from Xfm.co.uk]
 
Now, the story about a bloke who was in a coma for almost 20 years. What was his first statement. They had taken him to Alton Towers a lot apparently, according to Karl...
 
Ricky: "Stop taking me to Alton Towers, it's SHIT!"
 
Karl: "How much is post?"
 
Steve relates the same story with the same bloke.  He apparently had a great sense of humor coming out of the coma.  When asked how he felt, he answered "Horny".
 
Songs of Phrase---everyone's given up. Hardly any interest.
 
And after this, the overwhelming winner of "Who Do You Hate" is Chris Moyles.
 
A short discussion of classic songs that would be wrong if only one word was changed. "C'mon baby light a fire". And the Beatles with Ricky's ooooh....ahhhhh!
 
And Karl, do not confuse determinism with fatalism.  Karl: "Am I still President?"
 
Karl's aides would come out of the Oval Office saying: "He said he was gonna think about it...he was on Ananova looking at Monkey News!"
 
Monkey News now: This one is a classic. The London to Brighton bike ride. And a tricycle comes whizzing past. Turns out it was a chimp and the trainer wants to enter him in the 2005 Tour de France.
Ricky was saying it better not be -- if it goes anywhere near that, we're never doing it again.  
Karl: "More monkey news next week?"
 
and he never expected the tricycle!
 
Ricky: "Youuuuu...you bald manc GIT!"
 
 
Ricky: "It was a chimp? Well oh, Christ all mighty there ya go! No more Monkey News."
 
"That is the worst one yet... absolute twaddle .. absolute rubbish karl....unbelievable"
 
===External Links===
*{{Xfm|id=36957}}


{{Xfm Box}}
{{Xfm Box}}


[[Category:Episode Pages|2.48]]
[[Category:Episode Pages|2.48]]

Latest revision as of 21:24, 19 July 2021

Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes

Episodes:

  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

Track Listing

1. We've Done Smut, We've Done Innuendo ... (0:00:00)

Maybe some Neil Yunge. Big 'em up. The "Who Do You Hate" list continues. Mass murderers and politicans? What's the difference? (Ooh, satire). When you email in, send them a lottery ticket. Ricky reads off the list so far and is annoyed by Davina McCall and her "Big Mother" t-shirt. Graham Norton is just approaching from behind. If any of the producers of Carry On London are listening ... Karl, press the knob to start the record "Spunk".

2. We Would Like to Get on Some Kind of Satire Show Please (0:03:37)

Ricky wishes Tony Blair would stop doing stuff wrong. Pete Mandelson is good because he's gay. Ricky likes foreigners and all the mad shit they get up to. EuroDisney is good. Ricky's favourite country is Africa.

3. How Does Chinese Work? (0:05:36)

The Holy Trinity. Steve has an important question about language and Ricky thinks it's a speech impediment. Germans at least try. The main dialect of Chinese is Gobbledygook. Steve would like to speak to a Chinaman, or a Chinamanwoman - someone who is a professor or who works in a chip shop, but someone who was born in Chinaland. Chinatown Is Not A Town. You cannot scrute a Chinaman. Call in if you can teach Ricky and Steve the basics of Chinese.

4. Just An Old Fat Guy With a Beard (0:09:25)

No one is calling up about Chinese. Benny Hill could speak some Chinese, which is enough to get you by in Peking. Karl's still struggling with English. People are emailing in about Karl not leaving. Someone wanted to bring back Cheeky Freak of the Week but Karl's not allowed. Ricky wants him to do his story about a fella born with two dicks. Ricky did a photo shoot at a zoo this week and an orangutan there had escaped, but Karl was not impressed. Karl's thoughts on the anteater. Steve does not understand the appeal of Madame Tussaud's. Looky-likeys are similarly an odd concept. Steve uses the word "buxom". Ricky has a look alike now.

5. This Show's Been a Bit Naughty (0:15:43)

Some new additions to The Hate List. Daniel Bedingfield is such a nob; conversely, Steve Merchant loves him. Songs of Phrase is "Why Don't They Play the Game of Swingball?" Karl makes an offensive statement. As long as you say something good about someone, you can say something bad. Ricky is in an uproar. The Chinese Don't Age Well. The teacher in Karate Kid was only about 36. Fact. Some great prizes include the free CD from today's Daily Mirror, a summer CD, the Fast Food Rockers, and more. Ricky interrupts the reading of the prizes with an idea he has for a new feature ("Good and Bad").

6. Another Pointless Inane Poll (0:22:07)

Good and Bad: people in wheelchairs? Steve has a long disclaimer regarding their disattachment to The Hate List; that said, well done. Karl doesn't hate anyone. He used to fancy Davina but he's bored with her. Ricky compiles Karl's Hate List.

7. KP Looks After Me (0:27:12)

This show is monkey heavy. If Karl were president, would everyone have a monkey? Karl has a story about a couple who couldn't have kids who bought a "kid" for £3 grand from a dodgy email address. Ricky is livid. Suzanne watched the news and tried to get Karl to, but he read about the mouse with an ear on its back instead. What would Karl's slogan be if he were president? If he were in charge, he'd think about it for a bit and ask Suzanne. Karl pontificates on homosexuality and somehow the conversation turns towards being brought up in a jungle.

8. Stop Taking Me to Alton Towers! (0:35:46)

Karl is amazed by the body. A brief mention of the Infinite monkey theorem. Karl thinks if you don't know about women, maybe you wouldn't crave for them. A fella in a coma for 20 years. Has Karl been in an accident?

9. You All Win a Prize (0:41:41)

Think they'll ever find The Missing Link, wandering around Manchester? Songs of Phrase answers and the results of The Hate List.

10. Come On Baby, Light a Fire (044:14)

Ricky talks about determinism. What if you changed one word in classic songs? If Karl was President, he'd take some time to think.

11. A Monkey Who Did Something Impossible (0:48:15)

Monkey News this week is a woman on a London to Brighton bike ride who encounters a rider on a tricycle.

Quotes

Ricky: Karl, you cannot not do a feature about a fella born with two dicks.
Karl: Well, we'll look if we need it, I mean how much more have you got on the Chinese?

Karl: If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it?

Ricky: If you think that me and Steve are being offensive, we are strongly behind the guise of irony, satire and ignorance. Karl, only has ignorance, and hate.


Ricky: Radiohead... there.. and 'go to sleep' on XFM 104.9... DON'T GO TO SLEEP we've got some more fun and great tunes coming up... alright.



Karl: As long as you say something good about someone, you can always say something bad about someone.
Steve: How does that work?!
Ricky: Go on then, give us an example!
Karl: Well, Chinese.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Great people. [Ricky sniggers]
Ricky: Right, good.
Karl: Women, women really good looking.... as younger people.
Ricky: [Ricky explodes] NOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!?
Karl: I'm just saying... as long as you, you know what, I mean there's good and bad in everything...
Ricky: Well, what are the old ones like?!
Karl: They don't age well!
Ricky: [Ricky Explodes] OOOOOOOOHHHFFFFFFFFFUUU!!!
Steve: What do you mean?
Karl: The fella in the Karate Kid - the teacher, was only about 36! [Ricky and Steve laugh]
Ricky: [whilst laughing] We started this, we started this!
Karl: Fact.

Songs of Phrase

Tell Me Why Don't They Play The Game Of Swing Ball


The Specials - "Why?" (Tell me why, tell me why, tell me why)
Jermaine Jackson - "Do What You Do" (don't they)
Wayne Fontana & The Mindbenders - "Play The Game Of Love" (play the game of)
Louis Armstrong - "It Don't Mean A Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing)" (swing)
Queen - "Don't Stop Me Now" (ball.)

Trivia

The Hate List as compiled from the Xfm listener votes:
5. Davina McCall
4. Christopher Tarrant
3. and 2. (tie) Graham Norton and Patrick Kielty
1. Chris Moyles

Playlist

Jane's Addiction - Just Because
Neil Young - Walk On
Longview - Further
Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love
Pharrell Williams - Frontin
Radiohead - Go to Sleep
The Darkness - I Believe in a Thing Called Love
The Monkees - Pleasant Valley Sunday
Elbow - Fallen Angel
Snoop Dogg - Who Am I? (What's My Name?)
Feeder - Forget About Tomorrow
David Bowie - Sorrow

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...
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