26 October 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 26 October 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

My First Studio (With a Little Picture of Karl On It)

Ricky: Doves. Caught by the river on XFM, 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington – doing the buttons and stuff. Actually becoming a little bit of a producer!

Steve: Karl? Yeah.

Ricky: He’s put a bit of work in hasn’t he, he’s come up with a few games, and we made him – he’s getting a bit stressed when we shout at him because the mics don’t work or it’s hanging off or it’s too hot in here. He couldn’t get the thing working last week, I mean – I really would throw this studio away and get a real one.

Steve: Yeah. Well I’d get one of those ones you can buy for like a tenner from Argos.

Ricky: Argos, yeah, like "Bontempi: My first studio."

Steve: Yeah "My first broadcasting studio."

Ricky: With a little picture of Karl on it.

Steve: Yeah exactly. That’d be great product placement.

Ricky: What’ve you got this week for us Karl because, again, we’ve put very little – I said I would put – I’m not hung-over but I’ve put nothing into it.

Steve: Rick, have you done any work for this week’s show?

Ricky: No, no. Have you?

Steve: None whatsoever? Nooo no no.

Ricky: OK Karl. What’ve you got? Keep em – Quick, it’s five past already. They’re turning over already, they’re finding other things.

Steve: Karl what have you come up with?

Ricky: There’s Mel and Sue, there’s everything. Go on.

Karl: We’ve got – after the success of last week – Rockbusters. We’re doing that again.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: Sorry –were you on the same show as us?

Karl: I thought it went alright last week.

Ricky: Yeah, good.

Karl: So we’ll be doing that. Got some nice prizes which –

Ricky: Ooh what prizes! What arbitrary films have we got, we haven’t got – have we got -

Steve: Don’t tell them yet!

Ricky: No – I tell you what if it’s "Children of the Corn 2", then can I enter this competition?

Karl: There you go. Cop a load of that.

Ricky: What is that?

Steve: He’s got some different prizes – maybe I should just tease the audience with those a bit later Rick because there’s some exciting stuff there.

Ricky: Oh right, yeah. It’s going to be amazing.

Steve: I don’t want to give too much away Rick but one of them is a copy of the Office on DVD.

Ricky: Is anything like maybe Burt Reynolds’s straight to video film? Are any of those in there?

Steve: Sadly nothing quite as classy.

Ricky: “Fist.” Oh god.

Karl: Right, so we’ve got that lot to give away.

Ricky: Yep, yep. Go on.

Karl: We’ve got educating Ricky. Where I teach you stuff.

Ricky: Yep. Because you taught me that people used to eat tomatoes off lead plates in the land of Narnia, last week. Which was good. Yeah.

Karl: No...

Ricky: Is it only tomatoes they eat off the lead plates by the way? Why didn’t they think other fruits and vegetables were poisonous?

Karl: No it wasn’t. It was because tomatoes had acid in ‘em. That was the problem you see, you don’t listen.

Ricky: Well lots of fruits have acid in them.

Karl: Yeah but they didn’t eat them. Back then. They didn’t have bloody... kiwi fruit and stuff..

Ricky: Don’t say bloody! You’re a producer. I’ll start saying ‘shit’ and ‘cock’ and stuff. If you’re saying bloody.

Steve: Tits.

Ricky: Play... play the...

Karl: Hang on... and the... keep ‘em hooked, right, we’ve still got... Song with a story in it.

Ricky: Yeah. You don’t want to play Babooshka do you? He doesn’t like the idea of Babooshka - I told him that as a story and he doesn’t like it. ‘The devil went down to Georgia’, someone sent in, you know, ‘he’s looking for a soul to steal’. He doesn’t like it, why don’t you like that?

Karl: Do you know the song?

Steve: Not particularly.

Karl: Right. It’s a song about a lad who goes into a pub on a normal night –

Ricky: It’s in the deep south of America, New Orleans – or something like that, it’s not the Old Kent Road.

Steve: Right, okay.

Karl: He goes into the pub, there’s a devil in there. Who’s getting a bit cocky. He’s had a bit to drink and he’s saying do you wanna, sorta, gamble your soul away with me, and we’ll see who’s best at playing the violin.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And... Er, I think the lad wins in the end. But it... It’s not real enough. Whereas the one –

Ricky: Oh! What, not like the Shadow that got fed up and started pushing kids off bikes? In Boston.

Steve: Rick, I think you’re referring to stuff that no one made sense of last week.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly

Steve: I don’t think you should refer to last week’s -

Ricky: Let’s play Mock Turtles, ‘Can you dig it’, and then we’ll come back. And we’ll talk about that.

Karl: Alright then.

Steve: I’ve come to the conclusion Rick we should never refer to stuff Karl said in the past because it would just take too long to explain.

Ricky: Oh right okay, that’s fair enough.

Song: Mock Turtles – Can You Dig It?

You Know You're Going to Get Your Face Pummeled

Ricky: Mock Turtles. Can you dig it?

Steve: Indeed.

Ricky: What I’ve done there is I’ve taken the title and I’ve done it like I’m talking to someone.

Steve: Sure, Sure.

Ricky: XFM 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.

Steve: So Karl how excited are you about Ricky’s celebrity boxing match? Are you gonna be there? Are you going to come along? Are you aware of all this, you’re aware of all this are you?

Karl: Yeah I’ve heard about it.

Steve: We can’t name the opponent because that should be a surprise -

Ricky: Or when it is.

Steve: But anyway it’s for charity is it, it’s a charity boxing match? And um -

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. I’ve always wanted to beat someone up for charity.

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: It’s a good cause.

Steve: But the thing about Ricky is, I don’t know if you’re aware of this Karl, Ricky’s one of these men who... doesn’t mind making a fool of himself on the telly and being funny and stuff, but, if people said to him “Right, you can either be Britain’s funniest man – universally agreed that you’re the funniest man in Britain – or you could like, beat some gangsters up in a pub, he would go that. “Please, let me beat people up in a pub.” Maybe like an old man’s being hassled like by some street youths – you come in and smash some bottles over their heads and sort of sort it out.

Ricky: OK against the odds though.

Steve: Against the odds. There’s about five of them against you.

Ricky: Sure, sure, sure.

Steve: So Ricky’s got this kind of...

Ricky: Get to the point, come on.

Steve: Well the point is he quite likes the idea of being sort of macho you know what I mean and a tough guy, you know, cos he grew up in a rough –

Ricky: No! I like Boxing!

Steve: Yeah but you’d LOVE the idea of people going “Don’t mess with Ricky Gervais”. If someone said “Don’t mess with Ricky Gervais” that would be exciting wouldn’t it.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: “Never mess with Ricky Gervais, he will destroy you.” That’s what you’d love. Cos you used to do karate didn’t you?

Ricky: Ages ago yeah.

Steve: and didn’t you get all the way up to... white belt?

Ricky: No, I was one away from black and then I stopped cos that’s when I started working nights.

Steve: (sarcastically) One step away from black.

Ricky: I was!

Steve: Were you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: OK. Anyway I was chatting to him last night in the pub cos the boxing match is obviously in about five weeks time I think isn’t it, and anyway... He was sat there, Karl, I don’t know if you know this about Ricky but he’s taken to smoking cigars. Are you aware of this?

Ricky: No I have the occasional one..

Steve: He got a cigar, he got like a Montecristo out of his pocket, it was ludicrous. He looked like George Peppard, from the A-Team or something. It was pathetic. And he was drinking Guinness, and I was saying to him – aren’t you doing a boxing match soon? And –

Ricky: I haven’t started training yet, I’m starting training next week.

Steve: and you’re not concerned that it’s gonna have an impact? What I’m saying is boxers - You know they normally put in some effort and stuff.

Ricky: (laughing) yeah like years of training. Getting up at 5:30 and stuff.

Steve: Yeah. Cos you reminded me of Frank Bruno, when he was preparing for panto.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Not when he was...

Ricky: I don’t think he even smoked then did he. Or drank.

Steve: So what’s your thinking Rick? Cos you know you’re going to get your face pummelled, you know that they’re gonna destroy you. You haven’t got a chance.

Ricky: That’s why I left it this long, so I definitely lost my looks.

Steve: But you haven’t got a chance.

Ricky: You’re having a laugh.

Steve: Have you ever been – taken a punch to the face?

Ricky: Sorry, listen – Sorry -

Steve: But i’m genuinely concerned!

Ricky: is this sort of, psychological training because –

Steve: No it’s not psychological training it’s a warning.

Ricky laughs

Steve: I’ve spoken to your friends and your loved ones and they all agree. We’ve got a petition going! We’re sending it to the BBC. “Please do not let this man box.” Anyone else, please, but – you’re just. They’re going to beat you – seriously have you ever had like a boxing glove in the face?

Ricky: No.

Steve: I think you should let us punch you next week live on this show.

Ricky: You’d like that wouldn’t you.

Steve: No because you’ve got to get used to it! Cos I think you’re gonna either... cry, just start crying uncontrollably, or just run away. You’ll just run away, you’ll just climb out the ring and run off.

Ricky: (laughing) yeah. This is the same tactic that Ali used against Foreman in “Rumble in the Jungle.” Oh dear.

Steve: Cos I think a boxing glove – I know you’re wearing like, huge, aren’t you wearing like huge foam boxing gloves?

Ricky: No, not now no we’re not. We’re using normal amateur ones.

Steve: Are you wearing boxing gloves like those ones they used to have on Gladiators? Another one bites the dust.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Those big foam – you can slap each other.

Ricky: Neck braces yeah. And a big sumo suit. So I should be OK.

Steve: You get some kind of head protection do you?

Ricky: Yeah it’s amateur.

Steve: It’s amateur you say!

Ricky: No I mean it’s –

Steve: So there’s no title here is there?

Ricky: No, I mean amateur is head guards, vest, and 16 oz gloves or something. As opposed to professional which is no vest – bare-chested, oh! Maybe I could ask to fight bare-chested cos I’d quite like to show off my body, if I could.

Steve: I think wrestling is probably better for you.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But I don’t mean those kinda like - the Rock and people like that I’m talking about Big Daddy – that kind of, where you can just throw yourself at someone.

Ricky: That’d be good. Where they can be sort of nearly dying but they can do a stomach-butt. A stomach to stomach – that’s a good move isn’t it, in British wrestling. I always liked that one.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Like two elephant seals fighting over a female.

Steve: Yeah. Is it true you spent – knowing you - you spent more time deciding what tune you’re going to enter the ring to?

Ricky: I wanna come out to California by 2pac and Dr.Dre. I think that’d be really good.

Steve: I think that’s embarrassing.

Ricky: I’m gonna come out with loads of um – little midgets to make me look really big.

Steve: Sure, sure.

Ricky: I mean, I dunno what the BBC think of that but –

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But it might be an idea.

Steve: I dunno. Maybe we should take suggestions as to songs which would be perhaps more appropriate.

Ricky: OK.

Steve: “I get knocked down.” But I get up again.

Ricky: Hey fatty boom-boom.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. It’s going to be pathetic.

Ricky: Play a record Karl. He’s dissed me.

Steve: You’ll take a punch to the jaw next week, on air.

Ricky laughs.

Song: Turin Brakes – Long Distance