28 September 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 28 September 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2
Currently being transcribed by Gtpod(WikiSysop).

You Haven't Probed Me Enough

Ricky: Ash... and Envy, on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

Steve: Absolutely, yeah, hello.

Ricky: That clang you heard there isn't Karl.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Karl's away, it's Sturgess.

Steve: Claire Sturgess is 'ere.

Claire: Hello.

Steve: You'll know her from The Claire Sturgess Show, but er, we know her from our early days on Xfm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And, y'know, we're good friends.

Ricky: It's sort of like, old times isn't it, and Karl is er, had a little surprise birthday present.

Steve: What's the story with this Claire, 'cause I don't know anything about this.

Claire: Well, I, d'y'know, I-I came in on Monday expecting to see his little smiley face-

Steve: Sure.

Claire: -as usual, and er, they said "well he's not here." I went "what d'you mean?" they said apparently his girlfriend had surprised him and dragged him off to the Caribbean for a week.

Steve: Wow!

Ricky: No, Canaries isn't it?

Claire: Oh Cana- I mean I dunno.

Ricky: Yeah, he likes the Caribbean, he likes the crabs.

Steve: Yes. Yeah.

Claire laughs.

Steve: I thought he was bored of the Caribbean, I thought he didn't enjoy it last time?

Ricky: No he loved it didn't he?

Steve: No I don't think he did enjoy the crabs.

Ricky: No it was Tunisia he didn't like.

Steve: Right. He's been travelling ha'n't he?

Ricky: I know yeah.

Steve: He gets about.

Ricky: He didn't like Tunisia 'cause there's flies the size of matchboxes.

Steve: Course.

Ricky: And er...

Claire laughs.

Ricky: And er, midgets in the kitchen. No there's nothing wrong with that-

Steve: Yeah. "Midges"? Or midgets?

Claire laughs.

Ricky: Midgets he said... in the kitchen...

Steve: Right. It was midgets?

Ricky: He wasn't saying anything bad, he just said "there were lots of midgets in there."

Steve: Lots of midgets in the kitchen?

Ricky: And I thought it was- he'd gone away to some sort of like, theme holiday.

Steve: Yeah yeah yeah.

Ricky: Erm... but er, no this is er, I think Gran Canaria, or the Canaries, or whatever it's... called...

Steve: And how old is Karl?

Ricky: 30.

Steve: Is he 30? Is that- is this the big 3-0?

Ricky: 30 last week I think, yeah.

Claire: Oh so it was actually a birthday present, oh I see right...

Ricky: Yeah... yeah...

Claire: Okay I just thought...

Ricky: So but, but, but that's alright.

Steve: So have you got a competition that you can er, regale us with Claire? 'Cause er, obviously Karl provides a lot on this show.

Ricky: Hold on! We could do White Van Claire!

Steve: White Van Claire!

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Have you- are you familiar with this? We ask you-

Claire: No?

Steve: -the questions, er topical questions, just getting your opinion really on the week's news.

Claire: Okay, yeah yeah.

Ricky: It's on the spot...

Steve: Look forward to that...

Claire: But you know I'm a little bit... y'know...

Steve: Little bit simple? That's fine.

Claire: No just a little bit... y'know...

Steve: What?

Ricky: What?

Claire: I always sit on the fence.

Ricky: Oh right.

Steve: Well don't sit on the fence-

Ricky: You see- you see the worse thing there was, she was saying "I'm a little bit like, y'know, er, liberal or I dunno", and you went "simple?"

Steve: Yeah...

Ricky: You assumed-

Steve: I didn't know, I thought- "I'm a little bit, what, coked up?" I dunno.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire laughs.

Steve: Who knows, it's Sturgess, anything could be possible.

Ricky: But but, the other thing is with Karl, we didn't know how good value Karl was until we asked him sort of intelligent questions.

Steve: Well this is true enough, yeah.

Ricky: 'Cause he- he looks quite intelligent, doesn't he.

Steve: Well this is it, I mean-

Ricky: We might discover-

Steve: -I don't think we've probed you enough. We don't know what, y'know, your views are.

Claire: You haven't probed me enough actually Steve, no.

Steve: But we don't know what your views are, y'know, this is what I'm saying, we don't know where you stand. I mean don't sit on the fence, this is the- this is the new Claire Sturgess.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Okay, okay.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Dynamic...

Steve: We're gonna delve deep, find a personality in there Claire. Alright?

Ricky: Let's go back to the old days -- how about a bit of The Smiths?

Steve: That was beautiful Rick.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Aw you've been practising haven't you?

Ricky: Cemetery Gates.

Steve: Lovely.

Uneasy Listening

Song: The Smiths - Cemetery Gates

Ricky: Smiths. Cemetery Gates. It's a lovely tune.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: Lovely song. There's one bit that worries me about it, it's sort of like a... a- like a teacher warning, who goes "if you must contrive er, prose and poems then the words you use should be your own. Don't plagiarise or take on loan", it's sort of like, well why are you telling us that for?

Steve: Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Ricky: Sort of like got people like going, "thanks Morissey, I was-"

Steve laughs.

Ricky: "-actually yeah that's not mine, that's Wordsworth. Right I'm gonna write my own."

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: It's weird isn't it?

Steve: Queen is Dead though, one of the great, great album titles.

Ricky: I don't think- it's not my favourite album. It was voted best album of all time-

Steve: But The Smiths, what I love about The Smiths they just seem to get- like "The Smiths" is just a brilliant name don't you think? It just captures everything about them.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah-

Steve: Y'know...

Ricky: We've got a thing about bad-

Steve: Bad yeah... well I was watching, I was watching er VH1 Classic Smooth last night.

Claire and Ricky laugh.

Steve: And er, I love it-

Ricky: Sade?

Steve: Sade always on, you can always get- love a bit of Sade.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: But erm, Foreigner were on.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Claire: Ohh, classic!

Ricky: "I've been waiting for a girl..."

Steve: And er, well I dunno which- I can't remember which tune it was, but er, the album I noticed it came from - classy album title: Agent Provocateur.

Ricky: Ohh...

Steve: It's so- it makes my skin crawl.

Ricky: But I also-

Steve: From the album Agent Provocateur.

Ricky: I- I imagine there's a band called Agent Provocateur, erm, and they're from Wigan, it's a girl singer, she's 35-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -in a tight dress-

Claire laughs.

Ricky: -and it's four blokes with ponytails.

Steve: Yeah exactly, yeah yeah yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Doing covers.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah exactly yeah.

Steve: "Here's one you may remember."

Ricky: Yeah, they d- then they play a wedding and they go "we're not doing a wedding again, there was people- there was cake-"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "-being trodden in, there was kids-"

Steve: "Children were just sliding across the parquet floor, they weren't listening to the music."

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah. "Well we got a gig at the marquee-"

Steve laughs.

Steve: Yeah yeah yeah.

Ricky: "-coming up soon, this er- endless guestlist, five quid in."

Steve laughs.

Ricky: Ahh.

Steve: Ahh, Agent Provocateur, if your band's Agent Provocateur, or "Ay-gent" Provocateur-

Ricky: Oh yeah, have you ever been in a band-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -called Agent Pr- yeah.

Steve: But er, but that's gotta be one of the- 'cause it's not- I don't know what that title say- I don't imagine Foreigner have got that sense of intrigue and...

Ricky: Well one of my- right, one of the worst names- right okay, T'Pau-

Claire laughs.

Steve: Who?

Ricky: Right it's the worst- it's- I'm gonna- yeah let's start "Worst Album Titles" okay? I'll kick off with T'Pau - Bridge of Spies.

Steve laughs.

Claire and Steve: Oooohhh!

Steve: Oh... Bridge of Spies, is that the one that featured China in Your Hand?

Ricky: I assume so, I don't think they did too many. Erm, okay-

Steve: Bridge of Spies... Bridge of Spies?!

Ricky: Who did this album- who did this album, erm, Begger on a Beach of Gold.

Claire laughs.

Steve: Begger on a Beach of Gold, it's got the likes of Collins written all over it, but I know it's not, go on-

Ricky: Very close! Mechanics.

Steve: Mike and the Mechanics.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Course.

Ricky: I dunno what that means.

Steve: Good old Mike and the Me-

Ricky: "He's a beggar on a beach of gold, just look around you, there's some... money...

Claire laughs.

Ricky: He's saying- he's saying "don't be a tramp there's some money there look mate."

Steve: Some gold...

Ricky: I dunno what it means.

Steve: I think it means that everyone else is rich but he's still poor.

Ricky: ... yeah. Yeah! I li- actually I like it.

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: Yeah!

Claire: Oh it's a bit deep for me Steve, sorry.

Steve: Maybe you just need a little asterix at the corner, then a little explanation at the bottom of the record cover.

Claire laughs.

Steve: "I'm thinking of buying this, I'm not quite sure what it means; oh! He's very poor originally...

Ricky: Nice one. Erm, Chumbawamba.

Steve: Well, y'know, what can I-

Ricky: Uneasy Listening.

Claire laughs.

Steve: Yes! I bet it was, from the Chumbas! Are they still cracking on? 'Cause they-

Ricky: I think so.

Steve: -didn't they used to live in a squat?

Ricky: They've done about, erm, 400 albums, them and The Levelers.

Steve: Mmm, yeah.

Ricky: ... who's the best, Chumbawamba or The Levelers?

Steve: Good question, thanks for asking that, erm...

Claire and Ricky laugh.

Ricky: Yeah, what's the telephone number Claire?

Claire: It's er, 08700 800 1234.

Steve: Or you can email [email protected], worst album titles ever.

Ricky: This is like real radio innit?

Steve: It's just like Chris Moyles.

Ricky: It is innit?

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Ohhhh...

Steve: We've got the big fat guy who's on the telly.

Claire and Ricky laugh.

Ricky: Yeah...

Steve: Y'know... and er, his kinda cheeky sidekick.

Ricky: Am I er- Comedy Dave?

Steve: You're almost as funny as Moyles.

Claire and Ricky laugh.

Steve: Fingers crossed one day...

Ricky: Right Sturgess you've brought in a record haven't you, what're you gonna play, what's this all about?

Claire: Well know I just wanted to- d'you know what like, a- a bootleg is? Ricky?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Oh what're you talking about, I've stacked a lot of them up on white label.

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Claire: Yeah, yeah? Okay, well no this is quite a good one that Ian Baker brought in the other day.

Ricky: Sure.

Claire: It's er, it's a bit of Dre, a bit of Snoop Dogg...

Ricky: Oh yeah...

Claire: Mixed in with Crowded House, I thought you'd love it.

Ricky: Hold on!

Steve: I'm intrigued.

Ricky: The juxtaposition there is exciting in itself.

Steve laughs.

Steve: That's true enough, play it.

Golfy Golfy Golf Golf

Song: Go Home Productions - The Weather Episode

Ricky: The weather episode, that's Snoop Dogg, Dr Dre, Crowded House, I love that.

Steve: Enjoyable.

Ricky: That works for me, Steve. What do you think?

Steve: Yeah, yeah, good stuff, no it was nice, I liked it.

Ricky: Well she started off alright, well give her..shall we give her one more go?

Steve: I think a round of applause for Claire Sturgess yeah, good effort.

Ricky: Yeah, no, that's brilliant, no, that's excellent that, I love that.

Steve: Rick, the er, the phone..ah it's just gone. Nah I tell you the phone board had lit up there Gervais.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: There was a call buzzing through on...

Ricky: A call, a call came through...

Steve: A call came through on line one, and Sturgess missed it, Karl would never have missed that he knows how valuable they are.

Claire: Ohhh I'm sorry.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That was probably someone with an amusing album title.

Claire: No I did get one, Steve, I did get one...

Steve: What was it?

Claire: I did get one, do you wanna hear it?

Steve: Yeah go on.

Claire: Erm, ok, this is from Al, who says "What about this: H to H E, who am the only one.

Ricky: Sorry? H...

Claire: To H E.

Ricky: To H E....

Claire: Who am the only one.

Ricky: I don't know what it means?

Claire: No, Van der Graaf Generator generator.

Ricky: Oh, well no wonder. That's a thing that, you, one of those things at a museum init you wind up and you touch and it makes your hair stand on end.

Claire: Yeah.

Ricky: That's the scientific thing init.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: I've given up, Steve.

Steve: Yeah no I noticed, I noticed.

Claire: Do you know that didn't really make me laugh either so.

Steve: I'll be honest I'm thinking that the whole kind of amusing album titles thing we should abandon.

Ricky: I..I thought that as I said it.

Steve: I..I thought, I'll be honest with you, I thought it was easier than this, I mean Chris Moyles makes it work, that kind of crazy comedy errrrm...

Ricky: Okay let's try and have a...

Steve: Radio magic but obviously, it's..it's...and I don't think our listeners are into that stuff.

Ricky: Erm, ahh k...

Steve: I just don't think they can be bothered to get to the phone, I don't think a lot of them are able, I think a lot of them are you know...

Ricky: Do you remember when...

Steve: Still kinda smacked up.

Ricky: Do you remember when we spent about three hours tryna get to the Chris, through to the Chris Moyles show?

Steve: Vaguely yeah, what was the g...what was the reason?

Ricky: He was doing this, erm...competition and it was um, it was er, titles, song titles with golf, about golf, like so we go, like 'Drive', 'The Cars', and like that, and I was phoning up, I was getting so excited, I wanted to phone up and go "errrmm..Duran Duran golfy golfy golf golf...

Claire laughs.

Ricky: And I just, and I just thought, and it, and I'm, it might, it must have...awh God

Steve: Yeah, we spent ages.

Ricky: It probably cost me about 30 quid just to ruin Chris Moyles's competition.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And that was a long time ago.

Steve: Yeah those were the days when we...

Ricky: Before I realised...

Steve: When we realised you know, he was a great talent and one to watch.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Before we'd enjoyed his new, TV shoowwwwwww...

Claire laughs.

Ricky: But erm, anyway.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Erm, let's not slag other people off.

Steve: No that's cheap, it's cheap, it's cheap.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Anyway what shall we talk about now then cause that was, that, that all went well.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: No I mean that's 20 minutes, that's 20 minutes done.

Claire: Fantastic.

Steve: And we've nailed, we've nailed amusing album titles, we've, we've done that.

Ricky: Errrm...

Steve: That's fine, so we need a new gimmick now.

Ricky: Oooh, errrm, I tell you what, erm, init...you know, you know, no, no no no, wait wait wait wait...

Steve: You've got something, you've got something, ah Ricky's got something here.

Ricky: You know when...

Steve: Here he comes.

Ricky: You go out, you take an umbrella out, right?

Steve: You leave the house, you've got an umbrella.

Ricky: Right, and it's a really sunny day.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And then you come out and you go, oh god...

Steve: I wish I hadn't bothered with that cause it's in the way.

Ricky: Yeah, but then right, imagine when you go out, right, and it...

Steve: It's raining, it's raining.

Ricky: No!

Steve: No...

Ricky: You go out without an umbrella...

Steve: Ok.

Ricky: And then it rains.

Steve: Ohhhhhh no!

Ricky: What's going on there?

Steve: Ohhhhhh no!

Ricky: It, that's weird init?

Steve: We've all been there, we've all been there.

Ricky: So phone in if you've got like, funny, weird observational things that happen like that.

Steve: Yeah, yeah stuff like that about umbrellas or any kind of, sort of, accessory or hats, anything about hats.

Ricky: Yeah, what's...give the number out again Claire this is gonna be brilliant!

Claire: This is gonna be great!

Steve: This is dynamite. Tape this one, tape this one.

Claire: 08700 800 1234.

Ricky: Just comedy observations.

Steve: Stuff you've thought of, wacky stuff you've thought of, just tell us what...

Ricky: Play a record.

Steve: What stuff you've come up with, get the Sony people on the phone this is dynamite.

That's One of the Banana Splits

Ricky: Suede... Positivity

Steve: Absolutely.

Ricky: They could always do a good chorus, couldn't they?

Steve: They could indeed.

Ricky: Erm. I think we could play Pink. Is it just.. is that really way out? Are you saying...

Steve: Pink? You can't play Pink.

Ricky: ... it'd be wrong.

Ricky: I like that new one?

Steve: (singing)I'm comin' up so you better get the party started

Claire: Yeah but... whether on not it's in the building