28 September 2002/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 28 September 2002 episode, from Xfm Series 2

You Haven't Probed Me Enough

Ricky: Ash... and Envy, on Xfm 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant.

Steve: Absolutely, yeah, hello.

Ricky: That clang you heard there isn't Karl.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Karl's away, it's Sturgess.

Steve: Claire Sturgess is 'ere.

Claire: Hello.

Steve: You'll know her from The Claire Sturgess Show, but er, we know her from our early days on Xfm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And, y'know, we're good friends.

Ricky: It's sort of like, old times isn't it, and Karl is er, had a little surprise birthday present.

Steve: What's the story with this Claire, 'cause I don't know anything about this.

Claire: Well, I, d'y'know, I-I came in on Monday expecting to see his little smiley face-

Steve: Sure.

Claire: -as usual, and er, they said "well he's not here." I went "what d'you mean?" they said apparently his girlfriend had surprised him and dragged him off to the Caribbean for a week.

Steve: Wow!

Ricky: No, Canaries isn't it?

Claire: Oh Cana- I mean I dunno.

Ricky: Yeah, he likes the Caribbean, he likes the crabs.

Steve: Yes. Yeah.

Claire laughs.

Steve: I thought he was bored of the Caribbean, I thought he didn't enjoy it last time?

Ricky: No he loved it didn't he?

Steve: No I don't think he did enjoy the crabs.

Ricky: No it was Tunisia he didn't like.

Steve: Right. He's been travelling ha'n't he?

Ricky: I know yeah.

Steve: He gets about.

Ricky: He didn't like Tunisia 'cause there's flies the size of matchboxes.

Steve: Course.

Ricky: And er...

Claire laughs.

Ricky: And er, midgets in the kitchen. No there's nothing wrong with that-

Steve: Yeah. "Midges"? Or midgets?

Claire laughs.

Ricky: Midgets he said... in the kitchen...

Steve: Right. It was midgets?

Ricky: He wasn't saying anything bad, he just said "there were lots of midgets in there."

Steve: Lots of midgets in the kitchen?

Ricky: And I thought it was- he'd gone away to some sort of like, theme holiday.

Steve: Yeah yeah yeah.

Ricky: Erm... but er, no this is er, I think Gran Canaria, or the Canaries, or whatever it's... called...

Steve: And how old is Karl?

Ricky: 30.

Steve: Is he 30? Is that- is this the big 3-0?

Ricky: 30 last week I think, yeah.

Claire: Oh so it was actually a birthday present, oh I see right...

Ricky: Yeah... yeah...

Claire: Okay I just thought...

Ricky: So but, but, but that's alright.

Steve: So have you got a competition that you can er, regale us with Claire? 'Cause obviously Karl provides a lot on this show.

Ricky: Hold on! We could do White Van Claire!

Steve: White Van Claire!

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Have you- are you familiar with this? We ask you-

Claire: No?

Steve: -the questions, er topical questions, just getting your opinion really on the week's news.

Claire: Okay, yeah yeah.

Ricky: It's on the spot...

Steve: Look forward to that...

Claire: But you know I'm a little bit... y'know...

Steve: Little bit simple? That's fine.

Claire: No just a little bit... y'know...

Steve: What?

Ricky: What?

Claire: I always sit on the fence.

Ricky: Oh right.

Steve: Well don't sit on the fence-

Ricky: You see- you see the worse thing there was, she was saying "I'm a little bit like, y'know, er, liberal or I dunno", and you went "simple?"

Steve: Yeah...

Ricky: You assumed-

Steve: I didn't know, I thought- "I'm a little bit, what, coked up?" I dunno.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire laughs.

Steve: Who knows, it's Sturgess, anything could be possible.

Ricky: But but, the other thing is with Karl, we didn't know how good value Karl was until we asked him sort of intelligent questions.

Steve: Well this is true enough, yeah.

Ricky: 'Cause he- he looks quite intelligent, doesn't he.

Steve: Well this is it, I mean-

Ricky: We might discover-

Steve: -I don't think we've probed you enough. We don't know what, y'know, your views are.

Claire: You haven't probed me enough actually Steve, no.

Steve: But we don't know what your views are, y'know, this is what I'm saying, we don't know where you stand. I mean don't sit on the fence, this is the new Claire Sturgess.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Okay, okay.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Dynamic...

Steve: We're gonna delve deep, find a personality in there Claire. Alright?

Ricky: Let's go back to the old days -- how about a bit of The Smiths?

Steve: That was beautiful Rick.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Aw you've been practising haven't you?

Ricky: Cemetery Gates.

Steve: Lovely.

Uneasy Listening

Song: The Smiths - Cemetery Gates