29 March 2003/Transcript
This is a transcription of the 29 March 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2 Currently being transcribed by BritishHobo.
That's Safe, You're Going Home with That
Song: Placebo – The Bitter End.
Ricky: Placebo, The Bitter End, on Xfm 104.9, I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, is both Stephen Merchant and Karl, the K- Man Pilkington.
Steve: Ah-ha.
Ricky: So… you’ve already got that, that’s safe it’s only four minutes past. You’ve had Placebo and you’ve got us three, s-so…
Steve: You’re definitely going home with that.
Ricky: Yeah.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: Whatever happens.
Ricky: That’s safe, that’s – that’s on its way to the hospice.
Steve laughs.
Steve: Exactly, you’ve banked that.
Ricky: Yeah. Now, do you wanna gamble all that to go on and listen for another two hours – you could walk away now and you’ve - you’re up.
Steve: Yeah. You’re up.
Ricky: You’re up.
Steve: You’re already up.
Ricky: Right, that’s brilliant.
Steve: You have not wasted any time.
Ricky: Or… do you wanna gamble that against another two hours, it might be shoddy, it might go downhill, but it might get even better Karl, what do you say they do, listen for another two hours?
Karl: ..yeah…
Ricky: See, we shouldn’t have done that.
Steve: We shouldn’t have asked Karl.
Ricky: Ohh…
Steve: ‘Cos a lot of ‘em now are already taking what they’ve got.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: And what they’ve got is great, Rick, what they’ve got is lovely.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: They’re loving that, they’re gonna enjoy that.
Ricky: We have got… Monkey News, we’ve got Cheap as Chimps – that’s not the same thing!
Steve laughs.
Steve: A lot of people…
Ricky: How many radio stations have got two ape related, simian features?
Steve: Rick, can I point out now a lot of people are making that mistake, a lot of people are thinking that Monkey News is exactly the same as Cheap as Chimps.
Ricky and Steve: It’s not.
Ricky: It’s not.
Steve: Let’s keep that clear.
Ricky: It’s not. It’s not. It’s in the same ballpark, but it’s, it’s n… it’s not the same.
Steve: There are apes r – that are involved.
Ricky: They’re involved, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. We’ve also got some great music… yeah, we’ve got an amusing sketch about a fly.
Steve and Ricky laugh.
Steve: Have we?
Ricky: No.
Steve: Aw, I was looking forward to that.
Ricky: Ohhhh. And Mystique are dropping in.
Steve: Let’s hope the Mystique ladies are coming in.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: Singing their new hit for us.
Ricky: Yeah look, I wanna, I wanna kick off with a song, that is… you know you’ve got like, half a dozen posing songs that when you’re sort of like between fourteen and eighteen, they were the ones you’d put on to get ready to go out, or just posing round or, or be that pop star, or think you’re on stage or whatever, or in the video.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: And embarrassingly, I reme… I jus… dug this out and I remembered I used to pose to this like a motherf…er when I was about fourteen, right. This is Street Life, by Roxy Music. You used to do…
Steve: Mine was, uhhh… mine was Oops Upside Your Head.
Ricky: Yeah, haha, yeah.
Steve: It was just me, on the floor, in me bedroom. One day I thought, one day I thought there’ll be other people in this imaginary pose.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Elbows going everywhere.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Knocking over vases…
Steve: Yeah. But then I remember later, it was Black Lace’s Superman, which is something similar, do you remember that? That was brilliant.
Ricky: Well.
Steve: Spray! Ski!
Steve sings the tune to Black Lace Superman.
Ricky: If you’ve, uh, um, out there in radio land, got any funny – funny jokes, then call in on…
Steve: E-mail ‘em in, ‘cos we need some.
Ricky: Aww.
Song: Roxy Music – Street Life.
My Auntie Had Wind For Five Minutes
Ricky: Street Life. Roxy Music, off the Stranded album. That’s what I used to jump around to...
Steve: What would you have been wearing while you were listening to that?
Ricky: Umm. Well, probably, um, Brutus Gold jeans...
Steve: Classy.
Ricky: Ummmm... aw, uh, Green Flash... uh, pumps.
Steve: Sure. Any socks?
Ricky: Uh, oh, I would’ve had socks, yeah.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Um. I’d have probably been wearing the shirt my mum got me from Tescos, which was uh, which was again a Brutus shirt, and, uh, it had women in bikinis eating bananas.
Steve laughs.
Ricky: On a chaise longue.
Steve: Course it did.
Ricky: Umm, so...
Steve: What, lots of small ones? Or just one big one?
Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah, lots of little small ones yeah, so uh, y’know, uh, uhhhh, so that was that.
Steve: A trilby? Have you ever, have you ever toyed with the trilby?
Ricky: I didn’t wear a trilby, no. I remember when I was, when I, I went on holiday about that time and I was about fourteen and my br... my older brother had this leather jeacket, and I was on the, I was on the beach, um... just, you know, in – in me shorts an’ that. And, uh, I went to get an ice cream or something, and I said ‘can I borrow your jacket’. And, uh, I put his jacket on, and I was cruising on the beach thinking, they are all looking at me.
Steve laughs.
Ricky: Cos I looked so good.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: And I also had a, um, a straw Stetson.
Steve laughs.
Ricky: And I really thought... yeah. I’m n – I’m turning into quite a man.
Steve: Yes. I’m quite a catch.
Ricky: Yeah.
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: Yeah. Just thinking a little bit, just thinking they’re going, they’re looking, they’re going, who’s that dude? Is he American? Is it, hold on, is he, is he, come from some sort of rodeo?
Steve: Wait a minute, I’m in a bikini, and I like bananas.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: I could be the woman for him.
Ricky: Ahhh, dear. The...
Steve: What was the... didn’t you have, the - a t-shirt or a jacket or something that you wore to university, that was pretty classy, didn’t it have like, some - some foul language on it or something? What was this?
Ricky: Uh, yeah, I had, uh, when I was, uh, this was when I was eighteen, right, the Christmas or no, the birthday before I went to, uh, uh, university, I got two sweatshirts, one black, one red, had bullshit on them.
Steve laughs.
Ricky: Just on the lapel.
Steve: Just the word.
Ricky: I like, and the red one, all my clothes, the first wash, everything was pink. All my white shirts, all my white socks of course, cos I just put it in there, I didn’t know.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Yeah. So, uh, so, I was a man at university, with all pink clothes except for a rather nice red sweatshirt with bullshit on it. Ohh, so, uh, again, turning into quite a man.
Steve: Yes. Quite the man. Was that, was that, pre, or post the time you washed your clothes by getting in the bath, and...
Ricky: That was pre. That was the second year, when I was in... I had to go in digs, I was in, had to go in halls of residence, so, I had a bath, and you had to sort of like, pay, for a bath, you know, so I thought two birds with one stone, I got in the bath with all my white shirts, cos I was going through a sort of look, you know, wearing a white shirt and tie, that sort of... David Sylvian, sort of...
Steve: Mmhmm, mmhmm.
Ricky: And, uh, uh, Daz. And I just wriggled around in it.
Steve: Oh, God.
Ricky: Washed myself. It’s quite a good exfoliate. Um. So, uh, yeah, I didn’t do it again. Cos it was v – sort of, not good for the skin, Daz.
Steve: Quite sore, is it, around the sort of, the more intimate regions?
Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. So there you go. Roxy Music and Street Life.
Steve laughs.
Ricky: Karl.
Steve: Thoughts?
Karl: Um... I just was, just was working out time, really, just, we’ve got, we’ve got... well, last week we had a lot of stuff that we didn’t manage to cram in.
Steve: Which was good.
Karl: So I’m just looking at, we’ve got, we have got Cheap as Chimps coming. Uh, Songs of Phrase.
Steve: Oh. We haven’t, we’ve forgotten about that.
Karl: Try to win some stuff.
Ricky: Why don’t we kick off with that, so we don’t forget it?
Karl: What?
Ricky: Cheap as Chimps or Songs of Phrase, or the film thing, we didn’t get the film done yesterday.
Karl: We’ll do that, in a bit. We’ve also got a new feature, Cheeky Freak of the Week.
Ricky snorts.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Incidentally, I should just point out now that, uh, someone has, uh, Ashley Phillips has e-mailed in, um because obviously with, uh, Songs of Phrase, what Karl does, for those that have not heard it, he takes a phrase that you might hear commonly on the show and then he uses various songs...
Ricky: There’s this hairy Chinese kid.
Steve: Was the one with...
Ricky: You never see an old bloke eating a MAAAAARS baaaar.
Steve: And, uh yeah, as I say, he uses different chunks of songs and he makes up that phrase and uh, so he has made some suggestions here, Karl. Uh, cause, he thinks that the more common Karl you’re an idiot, fool etc, perhaps is a little overheard. He’d like to, uh, maybe hear: ‘Karl. Pause. I don’t know where to start.’ Which is a common one from Ricky.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: ‘Karl, which bit of that do you actually think is true?’ And then there’s the regular dialogue between the three of us. Karl ‘Well you know, it could happen.’ Me ‘Sure, sure.’ Ricky ‘No no no Karl, it could never happen, not now, not ever, you’re an idiot, play a record.’ So maybe some of those you could use...
Karl: It’s a lot of... it’s a lot of songs...
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Well, will we get, will we get it going then...
Steve: Alright.
Karl: Today.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: This week, we’re uh, do you remember the story about me Auntie, having wind for five minutes?
Steve laughs.
Karl: Yeah?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Your auntie, was it your auntie Nora?
Karl: Auntie Nora. Umm, she was on a lot of medication and stuff.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: Sure.
Karl: And I think that’s a side effect, that comes with it. So, um, yeah, she had wind for five minutes, so I thought we’d dig that one out. Classic line, uh... Me Auntie Had Wind For Five Minutes.
Steve: Okay.
Karl: So I’ve got loads of songs here.
Ricky: How many is that?
Karl: Uhm. Me. Auntie. ‘Ad. Wind. For. Five minu... seven tracks.
Ricky: Ohh... God.
Steve: That’s tricky.
Karl: Got seven.
Ricky: Why don’t you – when will you learn?
Steve: Okay, so you need to identify, if you can be bothered, the artists?
Karl: Yeah, the artists.
Steve: That’s what we’re after, isn’t it?
Karl: Alright.
Steve: Okay.
M-m-m-my. Auntie. Haaad. Wind. For. Fiiiiive... Minutes.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Karl: Alright, we’ll play it a few – play it a few times.
Ricky: Just remember, as many as you can get.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Cos the winner was probably be, who gets five or something, so don’t worry if you’ve, there’s a couple you can’t get, cos you could still probably win.
Karl: Can we go again.
Ricky: Go on.
M-m-m-my. Auntie. Haaad. Wind. For. Fiiiiive... Minutes.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: No, it is good.
Ricky: I... I...
Karl: Just... a couple...
Steve: Can I just, what’s the e-mail address?
Karl: It’s, well if they go to xfm.co.uk/ricky, they can just send ‘em through there an’ that.
Steve: They can... they can send them through that way. Which of these is the, uh, the prize bag?
Karl: Yeah, don’t be getting them mixed up.
Ricky snorts.
Karl: Uhh... that one there.
Steve: That’s, that’s the one is it, Karl?
Karl: Yep.
Steve: Alright, so let’s see what hot treats you could win, um. As I get them out, Karl, do you wanna play it once more?
Karl: Yup.
M-m-m-my. Auntie. Haaad. Wind. For. Fiiiiive... Minutes.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Ricky: I recognize... all of them, except... one.
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: Right, let me see what we’ve got here.
Ricky: Or maybe two.
Steve: Uhh, ho ho, once again, Karl, you’ve excelled yourself with an arbitrary collection of DVDs.
Ricky: Just hanging round, were they?
Steve: Just hanging around. Um again, I’m always interested to know which of our Xfm listeners, um, has tastes as broad as this.
Ricky: Go on.
Steve: Uh, we’ve got the recent BBC adaptation of the Hound of the Baskervilles.
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: Yeah, okay, fair enough.
Ricky: That’s alright.
Steve: We’ve got uh, what’s this, is this the, this is um, something involving Air, the band Air, I think it’s a single, at best. Now this is probably worth having, this is the current Flaming Lips album, so you’ve excelled yourself there actually Karl, that’s not bad. An Xfm mouse mat. They’re as...
Ricky: Ooooooooooh!
Steve: They’re as common as muck.
Ricky: Hold on, a mouse... you can’t give away, that mouse mat, it’s a piece of foam.
Steve: Now I was gonna dismiss the, um, the oddball sci-fi movie K-Pax, featuring Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges, but Karl, is it signed by Kevin Spacey?
Ricky: It’s signed, it’s signed, yeah.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: It’s an actual...
Ricky mumbles.
Ricky: So win that, and put it on eBay, for four pounds fifty.
Steve laughs.
Steve: And, uh... man alive.
Ricky: What is that?
Steve: Just look at their faces.
Ricky: Ohhh NO! Karl! Don’t give that, no-one wants that, unless it’s ironic.
Steve: Series one and two, on DVD, of popular, Northern based sitcom, Bread.
Ricky: Buy it, sell it, the games gettin’ ‘ard, cos someone’s dealing you a losing card.
Steve laughs.
Karl: Alright.
Ricky: They all had a go, all the actors had a line on that song. Ohh...
Karl: Play the clips again?
Ricky: Play the clips again, they really wanna win it now.
Karl: Here we go.
M-m-m-my. Auntie. Haaad. Wind. For. Fiiiiive... Minutes.
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: I can’t believe this hasn’t been done before.
Steve: It’s extraordinary.
Karl: Alright.
Ricky: Cos most of our ideas have.
Steve laughs.
Song: Verve – Lucky Man.
Welcome to Chinatown
Ricky: Verve. Lucky Man, on Xfm 104.9, Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.
Steve: The e-mails, I should point out, aren’t flooding in. On the competition.
Karl: No, but it always takes time when they go through the website.
Steve: Does it?
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: Okay.
Karl: So they’ll be arriving in a bit.
Steve: Do you wanna play it once more, for those that’ve just joined us?
Karl: Alright then.
M-m-m-my. Auntie. Haaad. Wind. For. Fiiiiive... Minutes.
Steve laughs.
Karl: There you go then.
Ricky: Brilliant.
Steve: My auntie had wind for five minutes.
Ricky: Brilliant. Genius.
Steve: Name the artists. Rick, I, uh, sometimes, I sometimes um, get off at the tube at, uh Tottenham Court Road if I’m gonna – if I wanna look at the record shops before I come into Xfm.
Ricky: Yep.
Steve: And I, I always cut through Chinatown.
Ricky: Oh yeah.
Steve: And every time I come to Chinatown, the same thought always strikes me. I always feel like I want to just gather all the little locals, all the little Chinese fellas, just gather them round, and just go... Guys, in what way is this a town?
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: It’s not, is it?
Steve: This is not... at best, what you’ve got here, is a novelty street.
Ricky: Yeah. Gerrard Street does not a town make.
Steve: No! It’s not a town. You’ve had this little street for about a hundred years.
Ricky: Just cos you’ve got a little pagoda.
Steve: It’s not expanding.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah.
Steve: You can’t just call it Chinatown, and claim it’s a town.
Ricky: If I was them though, and you’d done that, I’d go, I’d go, what, what, what you talking about? It is a town, it is a town, it’s our town.
Steve: In what way?
Ricky: It is a town. It’s our town, we’ve got all lots of stuff.
Steve: Where’s your, where’s your church, where’s your mayor?
Ricky: We don’t need a... we got a, got a betting shop.
Steve: Not enough.
Ricky: It is!
Steve: You see, you, all you’ve got here, is restaurants.
Ricky: No!
Steve: That’s the...
Ricky: No! No, no...
Steve: That does not a town make.
Ricky: No, no no no no, got a little supermarket with snacks.
Steve: What does it sell?
Ricky: Snacks.
Steve: Specifically, I would imagine...
Ricky and Steve: Crackers.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Do you wanna buy a dragon?
Steve: No.
Ricky: Do you want to buy an ornamental dragon?
Steve: If I, if I wanted to buy one, this is where I would go.
Ricky: Do you want to buy a gold dragon?
Steve: Is it made of gold?
Ricky: No, it’s made of...
Ricky and Steve: Plastic.
Ricky: But it’s sprayed gold. Do you wanna buy that?
Steve: It’s not a town.
Ricky: It is a town!
Steve: It is not a town!
Ricky: Yeah!
Steve: And I j... it annoys me, cos when I first came to London, I genuinely though Chinatown was gonna be this amazing... like, you know, like... I mean, what they’ve got there is.
Ricky: You can do whatever, you’d hear a gong, and...
Ricky imitates a gong.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Every time you went in there, right.
Steve: And there’d be rickshaws... and, and people walking on those sort of, wooden shoes.
Ricky snorts.
Steve: You know those ones? They’re brilliant they are. Just clomping around in them. But nothing! It’s nothing, it’s just...
Ricky: Hats?
Steve: Yeah, exactly.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: It just reminds me of um, have you ever been to any of those sort of museums, you tend to have em up North, where you’ve got like, you sort of sit in a little cart, and it sort of rides you through, kind of, I don’t know, it might be...
Ricky: Newcastle in the year...
Steve: The Victorian era.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah and they go... Can I have a, um, half a pound of those sweets, please?
Steve: Exactly.
Ricky: Of course you can.
Steve: If there was some animatronic men, it would just be an exhibit.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah.
Steve: Outside of a museum.
Ricky: All their concession of it being a hundred years ago is that there’s some scales....
Steve: Exactly.
Ricky: In the shop. And there’s a horse outside.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: That’s it.
Steve laughs.
Steve: Yeah, that’s it. Exactly.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: Yeah. The traditional sounds and smells of old England.
Ricky: And, and the voiceover going ‘Course there was no television.’
Steve laughs.
Steve: Exactly.
Ricky: Amazing.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Amazing. Brilliant, yeah. Uh...
Steve: Haven’t they got one of...
Ricky: Welcome to, krrrrrrrrrww!
Ricky sings a ‘Chinese’ song.
Ricky and Steve: Chinatown.
Ricky: Ohh...
Steve sings along.
Ricky: So it’s not, yeah, that’s a good point.
Steve: Is that a piece of traditional music?
Steve sings it again.
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Is that some official, Chinese music, or is that music that someone in this country wrote? Thinking that it sounded like Chinese music.
Ricky: I think it was the, uh, what was it, the Vapours, wasn’t it?
Steve: Oh, is that what, is that...
Ricky sings the tune.
Steve: Cos it sounds sort of... that’s the music, isn’t it? But are you sure they didn’t take that from some other source?
Ricky: Yeah, no, it is that, it’s that pentatonic scale isn’t it, what is it called?
Steve sings the tune.
Ricky: The... well, it’s the...
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: It’s the black notes, on the piano.
Steve: Right, that’s the one I can play along with Eastenders.
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Do you know what I don’t get, with it?
Ricky: Go on.
Karl: Right.
Steve: Chinatown?
Karl: Yeah. Chinatown. Cos I always walk through it on the way to work.
Steve: Mm.
Karl: Couple of things annoy me. First of all, I think it’s bad business. Just because, if you’ve got a Chinese restaurant, put it somewhere where there isn’t any others.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Steve: Yeah. That’s a good point.
Ricky: Yeah but, it’s also a community, they’re, they’re not just a theme park for – for, for other people.
Karl: Well, I ended up, I remember going out one night, with Suzanne and some friends, and you got there, and there’s so much choice, it’s that dilemma of, oh, forget it.
Steve: Well, not really.
Karl: And we went somewhere else.
Steve: It’s specifically, do you fancy Chinese.
Ricky: Well, no, but go...
Karl: No.
Ricky: Why didn’t you go to the one with the dead ducks hanging in the window?
Steve chuckles.
Ricky: That’s my favourite.
Karl: Well that’s the other thing as well, it’s like, normally you put your good stuff in the window.
Ricky laughs.
Karl: If that’s what’s in the window.
Ricky claps.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Right.
Steve: Yeah, yeah.
Karl: And the other thing that annoys me. Walking through it today. There’s always lard on the floor.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Steve: What, in the street?
Ricky: There is! It is.
Karl: In the street.
Ricky: It is, honestly. I’m scared I’m gonna slip over. It’s cos of all the restaurants, and that. But why is it, that’s another point...
Steve: Well it’s not, it’s not oozing out of the restaurant.
Ricky: No, but why is it, why is it?
Karl: I don’t know what they do.
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: Shh, careful. Listen, no, but why is it?
Steve: That’s why they used to wear those little wooden shoes.
Ricky laughs.
Ricky: No, okay, look, we’ve gone too...
Karl: No, but the thing is as well, they try and wash it with water. Which doesn’t work with lard, and it’s like oil.
Steve: Famously, yeah.
Karl: Do you know what I mean, even I know that.
Steve: Yeah. You’ve gotta scrub it.
Karl: So...
Ricky: You’d think that...
Karl: Sorted that out.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: You’d think they’d know, wouldn’t ya?
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Right.
Steve: Anyway. Um... thanks for your thoughts on Chinatown, Karl.
Karl: Right, I’m gonna play this thing again, cos it is a bit slow today, the e-mail.
Ricky: Aw. Cos it’s too hard!
Karl: It’s not too hard! There’s just clips of songs. What are the artists, e-mail in.
M-m-m-my. Auntie. Haaad. Wind. For. Fiiiiive... Minutes.
Ricky laughs.
Karl: Xfm.co.uk.
Ricky: He’s getting annoyed, cos he’s put the work in and no-ones...
Karl: Well...
Ricky: He’s getting annoyed! Aw...
Steve: Remember. I think Kevin Spacey, uh, and the signed K-Pax DVD is probably the only incentive to try and have a go at that one.
Ricky: Just think you could win by getting one of them.
Steve: Exactly.
Karl: Here you are, they’re coming in now.
Steve: They’re coming in now, okay. This is Electronic.
Song: Electronic – Getting Away With it
And You Stitched Him Up On Radio
Steve: Electronic, Getting Away With It.
Ricky: Definitely. Do you reckon we’ll get away with it, you see, you’ve worried me now.
Steve: Yeah, I dunno.
Ricky: He’s worried me. Karl.
Steve: My apologies, uh, if you were offended at all by my reference to those little wooden shoes.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: So, uh, don’t, we- that’s not gonna help, Rick.
Ricky: Ohhh, dear.
Steve: That, uh, that Chinese women, uh, used to wear, I don’t know if they still wear them.
Ricky: Ohhh, dear. We will, we, we’ve only had, uh, one complaint, haven’t we, with the, we got the, the, from the Sonys that one uh, about, talking about the swan’s penis. But uh, you know...
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Thing about complaints is, uh, people complain all the time, it’s whether it’s upheld, cos it goes from authority, and then they have to go ‘oh yeah look, that was, that was in poor taste, or... pre-watershed or, or...
Steve: Some of the things you’ve said on TV though, you must have been stung.
Ricky: I’ve, well see, I’ve, only had, again, I’ve only had one upheld, one serious slap on the wrist, for summat I said, but um...
Steve: What did you say?
Ricky: Uhh.
Steve: Can you repeat it
Ricky: Well I can gen – yeah. I was talking about – and it was a true story – I was talking about this little old man, who is, who’s um, daughter was taken into a home because he used to um, fry up bacon and rub it round his f – to get the dog to lick them.
Steve: Right. And you got a complaint?
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: What... and that was it, that’s, that’s why you got a complaint?
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: What’s up with that?
Steve laughs.
Steve: Well he said it on Songs of Praise.
Ricky and Steve laugh.
Ricky: They said – they said it was in poor taste, I suppose.
Karl: What other complaints... what have...
Ricky: You know the most um, you know the biggest complaint ever on TV, the most complaints ever for anything on TV was the showing of The Last Temptation of Christ.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Do you know the second? Here y’are, this is the second worst was, I think Anne Robinson, um, putting the Welsh into Room 101.
Karl: What, cos, cos she didn’t like ‘em and that.
Ricky: Yeah, she just said...
Ricky mumbles.
Karl: Can un – can un...
Steve: She said it slightly more eloquently than that.
Ricky: Yeah, she, yeah. Yeah.
Karl: I can und – the people or the place?
Ricky: I don’t know, I think -
Steve: I think it was the place, and therefore the people.
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: What do you mean yeah?!?
Karl: No well, you know me mam and dad have sort of, uh, moved from Manchester, they’ve retired now in Wales, right.
Ricky: Oh yeah.
Karl: And it is, uh...
Steve and Ricky snigger.
Ricky: Look at his FACE! Turning his nose up.
Karl: No, but... it... it is pretty, depressing. D’you know what I mean, it’s just one of them places that... oh, it’s like you go back in time an’ that when you go there. I mean, maybe the major cities there, maybe Cardiff is alright.
Ricky: What, even coming from Manchester it’s like going back in time?
Karl sighs.
Karl: It’s just, uh, it’s like one of them places that, where, it feels like every day’s a Sunday. Do you know what I mean there’s, it’s just depressing, and grey, and slate everywhere and...
Ricky: Lots of vicars walking around going ‘I’m late.’
Karl: Well here y’are, here’s the sort of attitude they have, right. There’s – and this is true, cos me mam and dad live there an’ that, right – and they love it, it’s alright, it’s an healthy place to go when you get older an’ that. But, this, this is why they don’t move on. In Wales.
Ricky: Well. Could - I’d just like to make another -
Karl: No no no...
Ricky: Sorry to any Welsh people listening, we’re not saying you don’t move on, Karl is.
Karl: No, but -
Ricky: Sorry about the little Chinese shoes again as well.
Ricky snorts.
Karl: The thing is it’s good that, in a way, they do do that, and they don’t wanta be like, you know, rushing about everywhere, cos, the way London is, isn’t that great either, is it either.
Steve: Sure.
Karl: Cos, it’s totally the opposite, ‘ere. So, I’m not, I’m not having a go. It is a bit dull. I think even people who live there will agree with me. Right. But, like, one of the shops that me mam and dad use, right, it’s only a little sort of, village-y type shop, uh, can’t be bothered staying open for hours and hours, right, because there’s not enough people use the shop.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: So what you do is, uh, they get used to what you buy and -
Ricky: They leave it out.
Karl: They put it in a phone box outside.
Steve: They put it in a phone box?
Karl: Yeah.
Ricky: So it doesn’t get wet.
Karl: So me dad’s loving that.
Ricky: What’s he doing?
Karl: Once he found that out, it was like, brilliant.
Steve: But that, how is that a bad thing, that’s brilliant.
Karl: Well it’s not, for other people, it is for me dad, cos he’s picking up all sorts of stuff.
Steve: Sure.
Karl: Chickens...
Ricky: Oh, NO, he’s not!
Karl: Well, yeah.
Ricky: He’s not nicking other people’s shopping.
Karl: Yeahh, well, it’s not like nicking is it, cos it’s not their’s yet.
Steve laughs.
Ricky: OHHHH! And you’ve stitched him up, on radio.
Steve: Well of course, because -
Karl: Yeah.
Steve: They’re gonna think who’s that guy – whi – who is there in town, with a Manc accent, who hangs around a lot -
Ricky: Who keeps – who keeps making phone calls.
Steve laughs.
Ricky: And is getting fatter.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: That’s terrible.
Steve: You’ve stitched him RIGHT up there Karl!
Ricky: I LOVE that, I LOVE that, that your dad was excited when he found out...
Karl: Well...
Steve: I CAN’T believe, I CAN’T believe that he’s moved there, he’s retired to this little village, where it’s based on trust, and community, and he’s abusing it, he’s using his scaly Manc ways...
Ricky: (imitating Welsh accent) Bloody ‘ell like, there’s, there’s no bread again.
Steve: There’s old women going hungry...
Ricky: Was empty! Yeah...
Steve: The cats aren’t getting fed... and your father is just, I can’t, that’s obscene. That’s obscene.
Ricky: (still in Welsh accent) Ohhh. I think it’s Dai Thief. That fella from Manchester.
Karl: I don’t even think they’ve got Sky there yet, have they. They can’t listen, they won’t, they won’t know what’s -
Steve: I think you’ve stitched him right up. I hope you have actually, I hope he goes down for it. I hope he’s hounded out of the community like Frankenstein’s monster.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: They should get burning torches, go up to his mansion...
Ricky: Set fire to his, set fire to his cottage.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky laughs.
Steve: Exactly.
Karl: Right, well, uh...
Ricky: He’s out of the choir.
Steve laughs.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Bit of Streets?
Ricky: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Song: The Streets - Has It Come to This