01 February 2003/Transcript

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This is a transcription of the 01 February 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

I Don't Like Ear Plugs

Song: Badly Drawn Boy – Born Again

Ricky: Badly Drawn Boy – Born Again, on XFM 104.9. Here we are then… Ricky Gervais… with me Steve Merchant and…Karl Pilkington. Raring to go. He’s a bit grumpy, Karl. Woken up at eight o’clock—

Steve: (laughing slightly) Because he’s from the north.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah yeah—

Steve laughs

Ricky: Because he’s in London.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (imitating Karl) And London’s rubbish, right, innit?

Steve laughs

Ricky: (imitating Karl) Uhh. Where can ya, ya can’t even get a band-aid in London, can you, or grouting?

Steve laughs

Ricky: (imitating Karl) In Manchester I could walk to the next shop and definitely get, get some Flash, or maybe some Vim.

Steve laughs

Ricky: (imitating Karl) You can’t get it down ‘ere. You gotta go to…trendy bistro, haven’t ya? (normal voice) Karl, why are you grumpy?

Karl: I told you before I’m just a little bit tired today.

Ricky: ‘Cus he had to get up, at the builders next store woke him up.

Karl: No—

Ricky: He’s always going on about his hours, those poor builders probably got up at six…

Karl: Yeah bu—

Ricky: To get the righ—

Karl: I can understand builders who, who get up early because…they’re building outside and they got to get the job done before it get’s dark but he’s working in someone’s lounge. If it get’s dark put the light on.

Ricky snorts

Karl: It’s no— it’s not… a problem, so why is he starting work at like, seven o’clock in the morning?

Ricky: Well because builders get paid by the day, and if you get a builder and going ‘oh just do eleven until three’, he’s not going to go, ‘I tell you what love, just give me a, just give me forty quid. I didn’t do a whole day.’ It’s a day’s work, innit? So you want the, get the most out of them, don’t you?

Steve: Plus he probably wants to finish early so he can have a good night out.

Ricky: Yeah it’s a Saturday night, you know what I mean? He wants to—

Steve: Yeah he wants to get at least fifteen pints in.

Ricky: And he was cheery, I bet he whistling and, you know, dancing around—

Karl: Yeah yeah, dancing around—

Ricky: And tapping and d-d— you know, so, I don’t know why, how you can be annoyed at that.

Karl: It’s, s—

Ricky: Why didn’t you get earplugs?

Karl: I’ve, I don’t like it, the idea of earplugs.

Ricky: Why?

Karl: Because I live in a flat, so, it’s not as if I’m looking after my house, right?

Ricky: Ah, well k—

Karl: righ—

Ricky: Already, ALREADY I’ve lost you.

Karl: No—

Ricky: That wasn’t even a whole sentence and I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ricky pounds table for emphasis

Karl: No but what I mean is…

Ricky: What?

Karl: If you live in a house, right, you know that you’ve turned the lights off downstairs, you know you’ve, you've, you haven’t got a frying pan on, right?

Ricky and Steve: Right

Ricky: Okay, not really—

Steve: Ah kee-bu— KEEP him going.

Karl: But I live in a flat, and I don’t know what the other people are like, there might be some daft people in there who, who—

Ricky scoffs

Ricky: Imagine that.

Ricky sniffs

Karl: Right? Who don’t turn stuff off. Now if I have earplugs, and the fire alarm’s going off…

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: I’m not going to hear it, I’m going to have a good sleep, but… who knows what could happen?

Pause

Steve scoffs

Karl: So I don’t, I don’t like earplugs. It’s not, it’s not safe.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: If you live in a block of flats.

Steve: But I think you’ll find, ‘cus I’ve used them, I think you’ll find that a fire alarm will cut through earplugs.

Ricky: I wear them sometimes, uh, eh, if it-it noisy or when I go to bet early or something, and I hear my alarm clock and it’s, it’s... IT IS… it goes: (quietly) bee-bee-beep. bee-bee-beep. bee-bee-be— it’s that loud.

Karl: Alright, okay well…

Ricky: And ah-ah, a fire alarm is DEAFENING.

Karl: Alright, so we’ve talked in the past about snails, who sleep for thirteen years…

Ricky takes a drink

Ricky: No you have. That’s never been confirmed. In fact the expert didn’t, hadn’t heard of it.

Karl: D- well, they do.

Ricky: Ah, Okay

Steve laughs

Karl: I read it on different sites.

Ricky and Steve: Okay.

Karl: So how much does it take to wake them up?

Pause

Ricky sniggers

Steve laughs loudly

Karl: Got you.

Ricky: What do you mean?

Steve laughs

Karl: Well they sleep for thirteen years…

Ricky: Yeah but It’s probably eh-bu-I don’t know what you mean by sleep. It’s not the same sort of pattern that we have on a, in a mollusc is it? There’s different, wha-what is sleep? It’s eh— it’s—

Karl: It’s when you’re… sort of shut down, and…

Ricky: But they can aestivate. They can actually literally shut down.

Karl: No but they didn’t say that. They said sleep, they sleep for thirteen years.

Pause

Steve laughs

Karl: I bet that a-ah, I mean a… have you ever had like more… than ten hours sleep?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Feel really groggy.

Ricky: Well no I feel good after ten hours sleep.

Karl: I feel rough. I just was thinking what a snail would be like. You’re like ohh…

Steve: Be even slower than normal.

Ricky: Be even slower than you.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: Well anyway.

Steve: Email in if you know what on Earth Karl is talking about.

Ricky: Ever.

Song: Wu Tang Clan – Uzi


It's Bringing the Show Down

Ricky: Wu Tang Clan – Uzi on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. We got a lot, got a lot to get through, got a lot to get through. We got things like, uhh, Radiohead to play. We got Feeder, we got, you know, Teenage Fan Club.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: You know—

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: We quite uh, we got two new competitions, Steve.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: A great one coming up, a film competition.

Steve: I’m excited.

Ricky: It’s great, and uh, uh a music-based competition, which—

Steve: Is it right to say that Rockbusters is no longer?

Ricky: We’ve still got Rockbusters. We still–

Steve: Really?

Ricky: It’s hanging on—

Karl: Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah…

Steve: Oh WHAT?—

Ricky: By the skin of it’s teeth—

Steve: I thought we had got rid of it. I th- I genuinely, I-I thought we had all agreed that we’d got rid of that rubbish.

Ricky: No.

Karl: No I think, I think we should do it. I think people like it.

Steve: Nobody wants it. Nobody wants it.

Ricky: It’s ‘cus he’s got his name in Heat now. It’s—

Karl: No honestly—

Ricky: It’s Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington and Heat said they liked Rockbusters. That’s why—

Steve: Karl, I thought we had a meeting—

Ricky: It’s pand- he’s pandering.

Steve: And we agreed that it was not going to happen anymore.

Karl: Well—

Ricky: He’s worried about the fans.

Karl: No—

Steve: There’s a guy here emailed in, he just emailed in three band names, he says I may as well email in now, on the off chance these are right, because it’s such an arbitrary quiz…

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It’s essentially a waste of time. The clues are so—

Ricky: F

Steve: complicated.

Ricky: D, Freda Payne.

Steve laughs

Ricky: That was a classic. That was a classic Rockbuster, wasn’t it?

Steve laughs

Karl: When I, when when they start getting a bit ridiculous and that, and people aren’t getting them…

Ricky: Ohh!

Karl: Then we’ll—

Ricky: You can’t drink that pop now. Chaka Khan.

Steve Laughs

Karl: No, I—

Ricky: That was another piece of genius.

Steve: Well, i-it, I think we’ve already reached that stage, Karl, to be truthful, mate.

Ricky: I’ve only just got in this river, and there’s loads of logs. Justin TimberLAKE. He said river.

Steve laughs

Ricky: LAKE. He said river. LAKE you said river. Umm…

Steve laughs

Steve: I—

Ricky: Just a few of the highlights of Rockbuster.

Steve: Can you please promise that this is the last one today? ‘Cus it’s really, I think it’s just, it’s bringing the show down.

Ricky: I-its, uh, Steve he can’t promise he’ll remember the answers today. How can he promise what’s going to happen next week?

Steve laughs

Steve: Right.

Karl: I still think it’s got legs in it, let’s just see how it goes next week.

Steve: You’re NOT going to bring it back next week. It’s got to be fini- we got to put an end to it. We’ve got to give it a sort of… final sending off.

Ricky: Okay, then les- let’s, I’ll, tell you what.

Steve: We’ve got to smother it, Karl. For it’s own good.

Ricky: I-I do, I do want to try out this new film quiz we’ve got, ‘cus it’s, it-it’s, I mean I’m excited. I think it’s the, the best competition we’ve come up with—

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: To be quite honest. I mean Karl, i-i-y- you agree, don’t you?

Karl: Is- It’s alright, yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. Um, it’s uh, it’s a film-based quiz…

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Uhh, there’ll be a qui-, we’ll play a clip from a, a classic film. I can tell you the film we’re going to play: it’s The Sixth Sense.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And there’ll be uh, a question afterwards, and you can win The Sixth Sense.

Steve: on DVD?

Ricky: Yeah. Not, not the ability to sort of, to tell when someone’s behind you.

Steve laughs

Steve: No

Ricky: But just the film. Uh, you know. Do you believe in sort of like… extra sensory sort of perception and stuff, Karl?

Karl: Ghosts and that?

Ricky: Ah—. Yeh.

Karl: Yeah, uh…

Ricky: ‘Course you do. ‘Course you do.

Steve: Not ghosts, no, the fact that people maybe can sense, uhh.. you know, beings.

Karl: There was a woman in on the Christian's breakfast show, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Blind woman.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Uhh… clairvoyant.

Ricky: Her name?

Karl: Uh… forgot. But she, she was a bit useless. Em…

Steve laughs

Steve: She was a bit useless?

Ricky: Ri- i- ah uh, is it, I’m always worried about what is going to come out of Karl’s mouth?

Steve: Yeah I’m worried about what you mean. Wha—

Ricky: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: She’s a bit rubbish at being clairvoyant?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: I mean I, I think if you’re not that good at something, don’t, don’t go on the radio and do it.

Steve: Karl you better leave.

Steve laughs

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: So, what, sorry?

Karl: Well she was saying, like…

Ricky: So what was the relevance of her being…uhh, blind? What was that… for? Why did you tell me tha—

Karl: I just thought it was a bit weird. I think she was using that ‘cus the fact that she can’t see living people but she can contact the dead ones.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I-I—

Steve: So when you went—

Ricky: I’m SO sorry, this is XFM 104.9—

Karl: No, but I’m just— no LISTEN to ya—

Ricky: Once again Karl’s opinions do not necessarily refrec, reflect…

Steve: Those of—

Ricky: Anyone’s.

Steve: Those of any human being’s.

Ricky: A, any other person alive today.

Steve: Sorry Karl—

Karl: Yeah, so listen—

Steve: So why, why wha- how did she demonstrate her, her clairvoyancy—

Karl: Right, she was—

Steve: And why was it not very convincing?

Karl: She was sat in the chair you’re at,

Steve: Mhm.

Karl: Right? And people called up and said—

Ricky: Oooh.

Steve: I sense that.

Ricky: Weird.

Karl: They said, um…they called up, and they said right, uh…can you, uh, have a word with me gran?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And uh… she goes, ‘Yep, she’s dead, isn’t she?’ And it’s like, ‘yeah.’ It goes ‘Ooo’ and everyone’s like ‘Ooo she knows her stuff.’

Ricky and Steve snicker

Ricky: It was fifty fifty to be fair.

Karl: Yeah and especially with a gran, ‘cus the person sounded about thirty-five so the chances are…

Ricky and Steve: Yeah.

Karl: She hasn’t got a gran anymore.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Umm, and it was just like…

Ricky: Unless it’s the fellas from Busted, because they in the year three thousand, it’s only they’ve only got to a great-great-granddaughter. And that’s a thousand years, so presumably, you know, they can live a lot longer.

Pause

Karl: Yeah. I just wasn’t convinced, and any road I don’t want to dis her, because you know she came in, and she did her stuff, and and if people believe in it, I’m not going to put it down. But it just a little bit odd—

Ricky: YOU believe in it. You just think she didn’t have the real power, as opposed to it being rubbish.

Karl: Well… whatever.

Steve scoffs

Karl: Bu, but, yeah I don’t know what we were talking about there. So we’ve got the film thing here—

Ricky cackles

Ricky: He doesn’t know what we were talking about.

Steve laughs

Karl: The film…

Ricky: What were you talking about earlier about glasses as well and Steve taking his glasses off, what was that?

Karl: What are you saying that in front of him now for?

Ricky: Was it, oh was it an insult?

Karl: It wasn’t really an insult, now I don’t—

Steve: (Serious) Karl what were you up to?

Ricky: No what was it? I genuinely don’t remember. I d-, I genuinely don’t remember.

Karl: W- I just, right, Steve, I’m not, I’m not having a go, right? Um, just saying how people… um, it’s a bit weird that you’ve got glasses ‘cus you’ve got a good pair of eyes on you, right?

Ricky snickers

Karl: That, that isn’t an insult.

Ricky: What were you talking about though? What was it, why did it come up—

Karl: It was the fact that people who wear glasses always look a bit weird without them on. It’s, it’s like…

Pause

Karl: You know, th- they were, they should uh, they should wear glasses.

Ricky: I…ri- okay. Wh- why did we get round to this? What was we talking about, what were we talking about?

Pause

Karl: I don’t know. I uh I don’t know, I don’t know what that was.

Steve: It sounds like an insult even if it wasn’t intended as one.

Karl: No I wasn’t, I wasn’t—

Steve: It sounds like an insult, Karl.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It does, yeah.

Karl: No it wasn’t. But listen—

Steve: I should be allowed to punch you every time you insult me now.

Ricky snorts

Karl: No but I’m not, I know—

Steve: Aright I’m doing it, I’m going to give you a dead arm.

Steve gets up from his chair

Steve: (From across the room) 'Cus it sounds like an insult—

Karl: No Steve it’s you, you’re always—

Steve: (From across the room) And even if I wasn’t you intended it to be one.

Karl: Well what you—

Karl grunts

Pause

Sound of a punch to the arm

Ricky gasps

Ricky: (Shocked, serious) That was real, play a record.

Steve: (From across the room) Yeah—

Ricky: That’s mad.

Steve: (From across the room) That’s what you get every time you insult me from now on.

Ricky: That’s mad. This is the Cardigans. Great. Brilliant.

Karl: I didn’t even say anything.

Steve: That makes me feel better, that makes me feel better. I can enjoy the rest of the show.

Song: The Cardigans - For What It's Worth


Would Anyone Want a Kid That Much?

Ricky: (Smooth DJ voice) Cardigans in For What It’s Worth, and in my opinion one of the best things I’ve done in many a year. This is XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant, and Kaaaaarl K-man Pilkington.

Steve laughs

Steve: I sometimes wish you spoke like that for real, ‘cus I would cer- I wouldn't leave the studio with a headache then.

Ricky cackles loudly

Steve: There you are, see, it’s just come stinging back.

Ricky laughs, gasping

Ricky: Aaaoh dear.

Steve: A lot of people, sort of, I meet them in the street and they go, ‘I wish I was Ricky Gervais’s mate’. No you don’t.

Ricky giggles

Steve: Let me put your mind at rest now your not missing anything. Am I right, Karl?

Ricky: Who says that walking along the street?

Steve: (Laughing) No, people-

Ricky: With that in them and said-

Steve: They sh- they don’t shout it out

Ricky: D-d-d, ‘What you thinking?’ (high pitched voice) ‘Oh just thinking, I wish I was Ricky Gervais’s mate.’ ‘Were you?’

Steve: No, no I’ve met people like friends of friends-

Ricky: Then they go, ‘he must be fun to be with.’

Steve: Yeah, yeah, exactly, wouldn’t he be a great laugh…

Ricky: In an enclosed space,

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, in an echoing small space.

Steve: Ooh, imagine sharing a prison cell with Ricky.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That would be good, wouldn’t it, Karl? Oh, that would be fantastic, would- I’d be the daddy, wouldn’t I?

Karl: I’d hate it.

Steve: (Laughing) Suicide rate in the prison would shoot through the roof.

Ricky snickers

Ricky: Yeah. Now come over here and suck mummy’s… now listen, right?

Steve: What do you reckon, Karl, you know, being Ricky’s friend? Do you find that an exhilarating experience? Something that you enjoy, you look forward to-

Karl: I like, I l- It’s alright for about an hour, and then anything over that is when he’s just messing about and he wants to hit me on the head with a tray, or…

Ricky: We went, we went for lunch yesterday, didn’t we, and that was for more than an hour, wasn’t it?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: And we had a drink in the week didn’t we? And that was more than an hour, wasn’t it?

Karl: That was, that was a good-

Steve: Is he okay when he’s, when it’s just the two of you? ‘Cus I find as soon as there’s a third person…

Karl: Well, yeah, just to give you-

Steve: He just starts showing off.

Karl: Well, there’s a little bit of that, right? But, I went out with Ricky like I said, right? Went for a drink in the week. And uh… you know, I went home, and Suzanne my girlfriend said, uh, ‘Where have you been?’ I said, ‘Been out for a drink with Ricky.’ ‘You’ve been out for a while, what have you been talking about?’ I’m fr- I sort- I sort of sat there for a minute and thought… there’s nothing that I can tell her we’ve been talking about that she’ll show any interest in.

Steve laughs

Karl: She said, ‘Well, you must remember something’. I said ‘I can’t, I can’t…’ she goes, ‘No, something, just anything that you were talking about. What were you talking about?’ I said, ‘Right. The one I remember…

Steve and Ricky try to stifle laughter

Karl: ‘One of the topics that came up was, imagine... that the only way to have a kid was you had to sleep with a squid.’

Steve laughs

Karl: ‘How many kids would you have?’

Ricky: (Laughing) I will tell you, it was the future and the squid was like a inv- the only way they could do it now. It was like a filter you had to sleep with a squid. I was going ‘Would you?’ He was going ‘What do you mean?’

Steve laughs

Ricky: I was going ‘Would you?’ he said ‘There’s not a time,’ he hasn’t got a handle on the conversation, i-it- buzzing in his head that he got confused about-

Karl: Would anyone want a kid that much?

Ricky cackles

Steve: Does, does the child look like a squid when you have it, or is it-

Ricky: No it’s not, I was going ‘No, no is- it's normal, but it’s like a filtering system. The only way you could do it to make sure, you know, you have to imp- you have to impregnate the squid, and it filters and they you can, you know, it’s a test tube baby in the future.

Steve: Did the Busted lads mention that in the song The Year 3000?

Ricky: They didn’t but they live underwater, that’s what I got it from. I don’t k- well, you probably sort of, like, get quite friendly with them, and eventually you probably would be breading with the squids and, you know…

Steve: So what does-

Ricky: Prons.

Steve: What did Suzanne make of Gervais? Has she met him a few times?

Karl: Yeah, she just said ‘Oh, uh,’ she can understand why we sort of get on, ‘cus we’re both, sort of, come up with daft stuff all the time and…

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky snickers

Karl: But I am quite happy to have a discussion-

Ricky: I love the way that i-i-ju- talking about his partner like the adult.

Steve: Well I don’t- that’s how I see her.

Ricky: Like there’s these two kids going out playing talking about squids.

Steve: That’s how, that is exactly how I see Suzanne.

Ricky giggles

Steve: It’s like if- if she wasn’t there, I don’t think you’d get out of the house in the morning.

Karl: Well sh- she’s-

Steve: You’d have tied your shoelaces together.

Ricky: Yeah, you’d have your plugs in-

Steve: You’d forgot to put your trousers on-

Ricky: Fire alarm would be going off, and, you know, someone would’ve left a frying pan on and the builders would be sort of like throwing you round.

Steve: Yeah, I imagine she makes you like-

Ricky: ‘Put me down!’

Steve: A row of sandwiches.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Well she’s, she’s noticed that I don’t ask as many questions now. ‘Cus like, last night was one of the first times in ages that I’d asked her something, right?

Ricky: What did you ask?

Steve: ‘Where’s the bathroom?’

Steve and Ricky snicker

Karl: No right, do you know I’m like always thinking stuff when I’m bored, right? Especially if it’s when I’m washing up or what have you.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And uh, last night, um, she was watching uh, that midsummer…

Steve: Midsummer Murders.

Karl: Midsummer Murders, right? I don’t like it, I think it’s rubbish, right? So uh, I’m sat there-

Steve: Another thing you’ve got in common then.

Ricky snickers

Karl: No but do you know what I mean? I but- I let her watch it.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know what I mean? She really likes it-

Ricky: He was sta- he was watching the microwave, she was going ‘Karl, no…’

Steve: (Laughing) Exactly.

Ricky: ‘This is the telly. This is the telly.’

Steve: ‘Wait a minute, wait a minute, this chicken, this chicken is going to come round-‘

Ricky: ‘I’ve film seen this before, this film before it comes round again in a minute.’ ‘Karl, come, that- what’s th-, that’s the washing machine, Karl.’

Steve laughs

Karl: So she’s watching it, loving it and that, and I’m, I’m bored, ‘cus it’s just, yeah, it’s boring programme. So uh, so I’m sort of looking through magazines that we’ve got…

Ricky: Trying to find animals without heads.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And uh, it was in one of her magazines, and there’s this article, right? About these i- identical twins.

Ricky moans slightly

Karl: Brothers, right? And one of them meets this girl, right? And it turns out she’s got an identical…

Ricky: I’ve heard of this, this is true.

Steve: Right.

Karl: They get married.

Steve: She’s got an identical sister?

Karl: Right? So, they both go out.

Steve: So two identical twins, met, going out with two identical twins sisters?

Karl: Yeah?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So, I was looking at it going ‘Oh, that’s, that’s weird.’ Cus you see them, like, they’re always wearing the same cardigans and that and that’s like-

Ricky: But then, no but if you’re an identical twin you probably would fancy the same sort of person, wouldn’t you?

Karl: But, then, I was asking, and she was going ‘Shh, it’s getting near the, you know, the plot, the murder or whatever’…

Ricky snickers

Karl: If they had a kid, would they look the same?

Pause

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Would the, would the, would the-

Ricky: Not necessarily, not necessarily, because i- it depends on what, what genes are passed over. Even though they’ve got the same exact sets of genes, th- they you don’t pass on all the genes, do you? You fi- it’s fifty fifty, but you don t pass on exactly the same genes in each sperm, let alone with an identical twin.

Karl: Yeah, but even though you don’t do that, like, my brother and sister don’t look like me but-

Ricky: No.

Karl: You’d know we they were related.

Ricky: ‘Cus they share, they share fifty percent of you’re father’s genes-

Steve: (Laughing) And they talk gobldy-gook.

Ricky: Yeah. No, you share fifty percent of you’re father’s genes and fifty percent of you’re mother’s but not the same fifty percent i-i-it- on two occasions.

Pause

Steve: I think you’ve completely lost him-

Ricky: I’ve lost him already. I’ve lost him already.

Steve: When you brought in the word ‘genes’,

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I thought he was thinking ‘w-w-w- what sort of trousers-’

Ricky: No they wouldn’t necessarily. They wouldn’t necessarily, no. They could do, by, shear chance-

Steve: Did Suzanne look at you…

Ricky giggles

Steve: Like, Oliver Hardy looks as Stan Laurel, when he’s just like, nailed his hand to a wall or something?

Ricky snickers

Karl: She just, she- she went, ‘Ask Ricky tomorrow.’

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky cackles

Steve: And then turned up John Nettles.

Karl: And then turned it up.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So…

Ricky: Aaooh, that is brilliant. I think there’s a st- I heard a story once where two um, sets of Siamese twins married. What if you fancied the one on the left?

Steve: Yeah. What if one of them was having an affair? Behind the other one’s back?

Ricky laughs

Steve: That would be difficult to conduct, wouldn’t it?

Steve and Ricky laugh

Karl moans

Steve: ‘You better shove off, he’s waking up.’

Ricky: ‘What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?’

Steve: ‘Eh? Nothing, nothing.’

Ricky: ‘What are you doing there? What are you doing down there?’

Steve: ‘Nothing, there’s no one down here.’

Ricky: ‘Wha- what, hold on, wha- well, I think there is, because I can, I can see her sister here.'

Steve: (Laughing) ‘No, no, nope.’

Ricky: ‘Well what’s she doing? What’s she doing?’

Steve: ‘No it’s just-‘

Ricky: 'She’s covering for him, what you covering him for? He’s you’re husband. Is my wife down there?’

Steve laughs

Karl: I read something about some Siamese twins.

Ricky: Go on.

Ricky sniffs

Karl: And um, one of them was saying, you know, ‘Oh, we get on each other's nerves and that…’

Ricky: (laughing) Oh God…

Karl: But-

Ricky: The other one was going, ‘We don’t!’

Steve laughs

Steve: Yes. ‘I didn’t know this!’

Ricky: (high pitched) ‘I’ve ne- yeah, I never-‘ (Lower) ‘I never liked you.’

Karl: And one of them was going, ‘Oh, you know, I hate doing the washing up but I let her do it.’ And um, the- the person doing the interview said, “Well, why don’t you help out? Just dry up? And get the job done quicker?’ …And she was like, ‘No, no, I can’t stand it. I prefer to just uh, hang around there, and wait for the other girl…’

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: ‘To do the washing up on her own, rather than help them get the job done.’

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: It’s selfish

Steve laughs

Ricky: Well I uh, there was one set of Siamese twins, one, one had a job and the other one didn’t.

Steve laughs

Steve: That’s ludicrous.

Ricky: Yeah. The other was unemployed the other one had a job. She had to go to work, she had to get up at six o’clock on her day off.

Steve: ‘I’m supporting you, literally.’

Ricky: (Laughing) yeah.

Karl: Didn’t they get done off the social, for sort of…

Ricky snorts, then laughs

Steve: Yeah. ‘Cus when they were signing on.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: ‘Are you living together?’ ‘We’re not, we’re not. We’re not, we’re not.’

Song: Manfred Mann - Quinn the Eskimo


Karl is a Frustrated Actor

Song: Feeder - Just the Way I'm Feeling

Ricky: Feeder – Just the Way I’m Feeling on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Steve and Karl.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Just having uh, having a whale of a time, both of them. They’re, (smiling) they love being in this room with me for two hours. They, that is their favourite part of the week, I think. Isn’t it? That’s righ- well, I don’t- they haven’t said that but, I’m assuming they love it.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Um, right. Competition time. Brand new competition we’ve come up with, uh, my favourite we’ve ever done, I’ll be honest. Um, and a great prize: The Sixth Sense. You get uh, you get a clip of a great film and then you get to keep the great film. Now I’ll just explain this competition. Um… I think Karl is a little bit of a frustrated actor, and so by the power of technology, Karl takes the role in a film, um, and uh, there’s a question about it afterwards. Um, this is uh, a scene staring Karl Pilkington from The Sixth Sense.

Ambulance sirens, ambient traffic, Car door open noise.

Lynn: Geeze. I hope nobody got hurt.

Karl: Be alright.

Sound of whistling

Lynn: You’re very quite.

Karl: I’m, I’m just thinking about stuff. That’s all.

Clicking noise

Karl inhales and then exhales rhythmically

Lynn: You’re mad I missed the play, aren’t you?

Karl: Little bit annoyed, to be honest. Uh, went down a storm playing the drums in little donkey, but… you’re loss.

Clicking noise

Lynn: I’d give anything to have been there.

Karl: But you wouldn’t, ‘cus you didn’t. But, like I say, it’s your loss, innit? (sighs) Anyway, I’m just quite ‘cus I’m thinking about stuff, like I said. Right? Don’t make a big deal out of it.

Lynn: What is it?

Karl: Well… I just was thinking: what would happen, right? If you put a chameleon on a mirror. How, how would it handle that? That’s a bit weird, innit?

Lynn: Cole, you’re scaring me.

Karl: That’s scaring you? This’ll scare you, right? The other day, saw t’old man sat there having a Twix. You never see that, do you? Old fella having a Twix.

Lynn: You see ghosts, Cole?

Karl: No, just…just… just the old fellas having a Twix, for uh…

Lynn: Do the-…they talk to you?

Karl: No.

Lynn: They tell you to things?

Karl: No, ‘cus they were too busy eating, but… what’s that got to do wi— what you looking like that for? Do you think I’m some sort of freak or something? Is that, is tha—

Lynn: I would never think that about you—

Karl: Well, well…

Lynn: Ever.

Karl: It’s jus— well.

Lynn: Got it?

Karl: Alright.

Ambient traffic fades

Ricky: (Laughing) Well.

Steve: There, that’s a very chilling scene, that.

Ricky giggles

Ricky: (Through laughter) That is great, oh that is…(cracks up)

Steve: That’s a very spooky scene from the film The Sixth Sense. Rick, I think you’ve got a question.

Ricky: Well, yeah, I mean uh, Karl played it wonderfully there, the role of the uh, the child that sees weird stuff. But who played the original role? What was the name of the child actor who played the original role?

Steve: It’s email only: [email protected] You can win a copy of The Sixth Sense. But I think we can, we can probably play it again later for those that missed it or, those who hadn’t caught the sound, or those that need another reminder?

Ricky: Yeah, you got, yeah get-get- get your, you know, get fifteen, twenty minutes, get your um, answers in. We, we’ll pick a lucky winner and then uh, we’ll play it again ‘cus I just, I think that we can, I think Karl can go to Hollywood with some of the things I’ve seen there. Okay? Brilliant.

Steve: Mm. Absolutely stunning. Absolutely stunning. [email protected]

Ricky: Um, I’m going to play uh, a track now. We tried to play it a couple weeks ago but it jumped so I got a new CD of it. It’s Papa Garcia and this is la-, Natelie and Lucy.

Song: Papa Garcia - Natelie and Lucy


www.apeonaut.org

Ricky: Natalie & Nucy by Papa Garcia. Um, well, we've had lots of emails already. Uh, in fact, my favorite one is a suggestion of the name of that feature, specific to this- today's, is "The Twix Sense". Which, uh, is great. And feel free to send your suggestions 'cause we're gonna try and do one a week, a classic film, with Karl in the- the- the- an important role. But if you wanna, you know, see Karl as maybe, uh Michael Corleone in The Godfather, you know, send it in and, uh, we'll see what we can do, won't we, Karl?

Steve: And don't- don't imagine that is has to be a male character. I imagine that you could play, for instance, Sharon Stone's role in Basic Instinct.

Ricky: I don't imagine it has to be a human. I mean, uh- uh- uh, I mean an animal or an object.

Steve: You might be better suited.

Ricky: He'd be very good as a rock.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Or something.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Yeah. Um, but um, we're gonna pick up something we spoke about before, um, we're gonna announce a winner and play that again in a few minutes. But, um, uh, Karl wants to put the record straight, don't ya? Karl's fed up. With when he comes up with something that's a little bit fantastic and far-fetched and wrong that we take the mickey out of him. So, uh, he's brought in some hard evidence of a story, haven't ya?

Karl: No, do you know like, I find stuff on the internet, and that, right? And I come in and tell you about it and you go "that's rubbish".

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And then you'll say "show your workings".

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: Which I never liked doing.

Steve: No.

Ricky snorts.

Karl: When teachers said it, I hate that.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: 'Cause I normally can't.

Steve laughs.

Steve: No.

Karl: I've always gone-

Ricky: He's just got "the answer's 5" and they go "I asked for the capital of China". "The answer's 5."

Steve: Yep.

Karl: But, right, so we started a feature a couple of weeks ago, um, Chimpanzee That. The thing about monkeys and stuff.

Ricky: Let's do the- let's play the jingle, right. OH! CHIMPANZEE THAT!

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Yep. Alright, we started that.

Steve: That's facts about apes, isn't it? And, uh-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, monkeys, chimps, whatever.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And, um, I told you a story about, um, a monkey that was in a zoo.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And uh, it- it got pally with the zookeeper.

Steve laughs.

Steve: Right, yes.

Karl: Remember?

Steve: It moved into his house, didn't it?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Didn't it also have an affair with his wife?

Ricky: Yeah, it liked a little, uh, brandy at night and a cup of tea in the morning. And he went to work and it moved in on his wife.

Steve: Yep.

Karl: Right, now, I read that in a book.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: But, then, I was looking for some more monkey stuff online the other day.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: And I found the same story-

Steve: Right.

Karl: From a different source.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Which is always a good sign.

Steve: And it's corroborated what you've claimed, has it?

Karl: Kind of. There you go.

Ricky: It's not a different source though, is it? It's someone who read the same thing as you and printed it themselves.

Karl: I left out a fact. His name's Oliver.

Ricky: What? The monkey?

Karl: So, I got that wrong, yeah. The monkey's called Oliver. Can you see that, Steve?

Steve: Oh, yes.

Karl: Right.

Steve: There's a picture of him here.

Karl: D'you wanna read it?

Steve: Now do you- do you- where is this from then?

Karl: Well, I was looking for world famous monkeys online and it-

Steve: www.apeonaut.org.

Ricky laughs.

Steve: This is someone who, in America, who's set up, sort of, a similar website to, uh-

Karl: I don't know where he is, but, yep.

Steve: Okay, uh, "He was originally brought into the US with twelve other chimpanzees but immediately stood out as different. He learned to drink, enjoyed coffee and beer, and smoked cigars. In the evenings he would sit on a sofa and watch television. If his caregivers were out of coffee, he would walk into the kitchen, pour a cup and take it into the den. As he got older he made sexual advances on the wife and as a result was sold".

Ricky: I reckon it was, uh, a stowaway and t-to not get caught he pretended to be a monkey.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: When really he was just a fella.

Steve: Well, that would make sense 'cause the final line is "He's now living in retirement in Texas."

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But, uh, again, my only query and I don't mean to be disrespective is that it doesn't really give much more information, I mean, uh, I mean, someone who's set up a little website like this, I'm worried that, what I'm saying is, I'm worried he's kind of an American twin of you. Do you know what I mean? Do you see what I mean by that? There's no real hard evidence, there's no, kind of, dates. There's no references to where he was specifically or what zoo he was in.

Ricky: Karl Pilkinghorn.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Hi. We're cousins.

Karl: Why do you need to know all that? The story's there.

Ricky: What do you mean "why do you need to know all that"? Why not accept it 'cause another fella reckons a chimp moved in on uh- uh, someone's wife?

Steve: What I'm saying is that he could be- he could be as much of a nutter as you. Do you see what I mean?

Ricky: I've- what do you mean? He is.

Steve: Yeah. Exactly.

Karl: What and go to that much trouble of like sorting out a website and that?

Steve: Yes. You host a radio show for goodness sake... to spout your idiocy. It's just a website, it's hardly anything. It's your job!

Ricky: He was stressed yesterday 'cause we wanted to do another Chimpanzee That. Have we got a new story coming up for Chimpanzee That?

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: He was stressed yesterday, he says- he says "I'm really overworked, I'm really getting fed up." He said- he said "I haven't even, um, sorted out the story, um, about, uh, this monkey." He said "how overworked am I that I haven't even got time to sort out a story about a monkey.

Steve laughs.

Ricky: You know how much I love that?

Steve: Rick, do you think there's any way we could lure Oliver out of retirement to come produce this show?

Ricky: I think we probably could.

Steve: I'm parched for a cup of coffee, would you pop to the kitchen?

Ricky: Better play a bit of Springsteen.

Steve: Oh, I'm loving it.

Ricky: For Martin Freeman, he said "please play some Springsteen or Bowie". I'm trying to get him into Motown but he only likes 1142, but this if for him.

Song: Bruce Springsteen - Nothing Man


One of the Biggest Radio Stations in the Building

Song: Eminem - Sing for the Moment

Ricky: Eminem... Sing for the Moment. On XFM 104.9. Well, that is the most popular competition we've done, judging by the amount of emails. The Twix sense, there erm...

Steve: To be fair as well Rick, there is a question that is answerable. I think that's also a reason why people have...

Ricky: There is a definitive... yeah. Oh- oh yeah that's because I did it and not Karl probably.

Steve: Exactly

Ricky: I asked the question there, erm. We're gonna play it again, because er, people wanna hear it again. And er, then we will er, give the winners name, and they will win that copy of it.

Steve: Karl in the Sixth Sense.

Ambulance sirens, ambient traffic, Car door open noise.

Lynn: Geeze. I hope nobody got hurt.

Karl: Be alright.

Sound of whistling

Lynn: You’re very quite.

Karl: I’m, I’m just thinking about stuff. That’s all.

Clicking noise

Karl inhales and then exhales rhythmically

Lynn: You’re mad I missed the play, aren’t you?

Karl: Little bit annoyed, to be honest. Uh, went down a storm playing the drums in little donkey, but… you’re loss.

Clicking noise

Lynn: I’d give anything to have been there.

Karl: But you wouldn’t, ‘cus you didn’t. But, like I say, it’s your loss, innit? (sighs) Anyway, I’m just quite ‘cus I’m thinking about stuff, like I said. Right? Don’t make a big deal out of it.

Lynn: What is it?

Karl: Well… I just was thinking: what would happen, right? If you put a chameleon on a mirror. How, how would it handle that? That’s a bit weird, innit?

Lynn: Cole, you’re scaring me.

Karl: That’s scaring you? This’ll scare you, right? The other day, saw t’old man sat there having a Twix. You never see that, do you? Old fella having a Twix.

Lynn: You see ghosts, Cole?

Karl: No, just…just… just the old fellas having a Twix, for uh…

Lynn: Do the-…they talk to you?

Karl: No.

Lynn: They tell you to things?

Karl: No, ‘cus they were too busy eating, but… what’s that got to do wi— what you looking like that for? Do you think I’m some sort of freak or something? Is that, is tha—

Lynn: I would never think that about you—

Karl: Well, well…

Lynn: Ever.

Karl: It’s jus— well.

Lynn: Got it?

Karl: Alright.

Ambient traffic fades

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Ah, there you go.

Steve: Extraordinary.

Ricky: And so the question was, er. Who played the original role of that kid in the car, who saw strange things. And the answer is Steve?

Steve: Haley Joel Osment, of course. Er, who, er, is a talented young performer. But don't really think has anything on Karl Pilkington. Who I think made that scene even more chilling and more atmospheric than the original.

Ricky: Definitely, definitely.

Steve: And, er, we'll give this to. Let's see, I think it's er, Francis Marni. Who's emailed in, er, he or she. I don't know if it's a he or she. But, er.

Ricky: I is Male init, and he is. No, I is female and he. Frances or... I don't know.

Steve: That could be a fake name, who knows. But, he, let's assume it's a he. He says he's a sad little nerd, who erm. It was his birthday yesterday, and only his mum remembered, even his best friend forgot.

Ricky: Definitely, a wo... definitely a bloke.

Steve: Yeah, I- I, don't. I can't really relate to life as a, bit of a loser, bit of a nerd.

Ricky: No.

Steve: So I, don't really know what he's talking about. But, I imagine, lot of our audience do. So let's give it to him as sort of...

Ricky: I imagine- I imagine he's a little four eyed geek, little lanky...little...

Ricky giggles

Steve: Uh-ho, loserrrr

Ricky: Yeah- yeah.

Steve: Actually, as I look again, I notice he's not even got the name right. He spelt it Haley Joel Osmen, instead of Osment. But, so he really is pathetic, I mean, that's... What a pathetic little.

Ricky: Actually, tell you what'll be fun now we've humiliated him. Don't give him the prize, give it to someone else.

Steve laughs

Steve: Well it's on TV tonight anyway on ITV.So, just whatch it then..

Ricky: No, no. Well done Francis, thank you for listening, and, uh, well done for spotting, who Karl was trying to.

Steve: ..And whatever girl you fancy at school, ask her out. Say, come back my place and watch the Sixth Sense.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: She'll love it. And you'll be guaranteed a shag.

Ricky: Why d'you assume he was at school?

Steve: I dunno, because his spelling is terrible. Although i'm looking at Karl.

Ricky: (Laughs) Yeah.

Steve: Yeah, it's just a very badly put together email. I just assumed it was a kid.

Karl: Right

Ricky: What if he is a kid now, and he's going through -????- you probably really. I never dreamt it was a kid. I feel a bit bad now.

Steve: Really? What you thought it was some sort of 25 year old?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Even more pathetic, in a way.

Ricky: And now i'm worried that, you know, you've erm, you've embarrassed, you know, an- an adolescent, live on. Well, one of the biggest radio stations in... the... building.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: It's not even the biggest radio station in the building.

Steve: That's true.

Ricky: I can't believe that. It's the smallest radio station in this building.

Karl: Right, now we've done that right. Are we doing a, proper competition.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Setting up the old, er,

Karl and Ricky: Rockbusters

Ricky: Your favorite, init?

Steve: Well let's play a tune, before. I can't- I don't think I can face that straightaway, I need a break.

Karl: Well it's just that, we've also- we've also got, "That song sounds alright." Ain't we, another new feature.

Ricky: Yeah. That song sounds good.

Steve: Can I just say that before we play a record, er, we've had an email from Dickie Anderson.

Ricky: DICKERS!

Steve: Haha, Richard Anderson.

Ricky: Awww, Dickster, you Dicky Docky Dido. How are ya?

Steve: If you're a new listener, then you won't have come across Richard before, but...

Ricky: But, he loves the show.

Steve: ...He's our biggest fan.

Ricky: He's a bit of a. An he loves the show, an he tapes it an listens back to it 4 or 5 times.

Steve: But the great thing about him, he's not afraid to offer a bit of constructive criticism.

Ricky: Oh, er, no. What's he said- what's he said?

Steve: Well, all i'm going to say to you is, he said erm, "Is it true that companies are now getting rid of hold music, and are instead using your show to irritate their customers, while they're waiting on the phone?"

Ricky giggles

Steve: Erm...I don't know, we'll try to look into that Dickie, but thanks for that.


We've Got the Best Fans in the World

Song: Teenage Fanclub - I Need Direction

Ricky: I Need Direction, Teenage Fanclub on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Marchant, Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Do keep your suggestions coming in for roles that you'd like to see Karl play, in future editions of that quiz.

Ricky: This is- this is the most popular competition we've ever done.

Steve: Has it got a name yet? Have we come up with a name?

Ricky: Errr... Hollywouldn't.

Steve: Okay, brilliant.

Ricky: Erm.

Steve: Well anyway, we've had some suggestions. Erm, Neil Wilson in Bedford, he's suggested he'd like to see you, Karl playing the role of Clyde the monkey, in Every Which Way but Loose.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah, that'd be great.

Steve: And also an excellent suggestion from Lee in Essex, the obvious role for you is of course, Dustin Hoffman as Rainman.

Ricky: I- I said that, didn't I.

Steve: That's perfect.

Ricky: That'd be great. Just imagine him going. Okay remember, bet two for uh, good one for uh. "Yep." Well, you lost again. "Yep." That'd be fantastic.

Steve: I'm worried that you- I don't know, it's a bit of a stretch Karl. Can you play someone who's that cleaver?

Karl: I'd give it a go. I wanna do Elephant man.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Why? What sort of ideas have you got for Elephant man?

Karl: Well I don't know whether i'd be him, or like, the doctor.

Ricky: What'd you say if you we're the doctor?

Karl: Just like er, "ohh, how d'you do that?" Know what I mean?

Steve: How d'you do that?

Karl: Yeah. Ohh, look at that. Look at your head. Have you seen your head?

Steve laughs

Ricky: Or the way he goes. "I'm not an animal." and you go "Well... judging by your head you are."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Forrest Gump?

Karl: Yeah, i'd do that.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: There's loads isn't there.

Steve: Well keep them coming in, that's brilliant.

Karl: So uhh..

Steve: Competitions don't stop there, sadly.

Ricky: No.

Karl: ...Rockbusters.

Steve: Oh god.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Right, how about right,we've got this other- other thing- right this other music thing. How about we make that part of it?

Steve: How many competitions have you got?

Karl: No, well this is what i'm thinking right, because we can- if you're not happy with Rockbusters. If we add a little bit to it, and they love the bit I've added. Then we can slowly fade it out without them knowing.

Ricky: That's it, do two of your Rockbusters and one of these.

Karl: Right.

Steve: Are these the questions Karl?

Karl: There the prizes.

Ricky: Right, well let's do the prizes.

Steve: Let's quickly go through them then.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Alright, what we got here?

Ricky: Right, let's speed this up, because i'm dropping off now. It's either warm in here or- or this isn't the most scintillating conversation we've ever had.

Steve: Okay, firstly there's a CD here. It's uh, tracks that we're sampled by, uh, various artists including Jay Z, Happy Mondays and so on. It's the original versions, that might be quite good fun.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: I love you, it's a number of love songs.

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: You've got Blue featuring Elton John on there, Chicago, Nat King Cole. Some greats, i'm sure. Retro Dance Masters, that's another CD of dance tracks obviously on there. Ohh, it's still knocking about, The Best Air Guitar Volume 2. Rubbish.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Uh, this is quite though, it's Paul Whitehouses TV show Happiness, That's the first series on DVD. We've also got Stephen Poliakoff's The Lost Prince. You can have that in your collection. Probably never watch it, but it might look like you're slightly classy and arty. And Uh...

Ricky: Is there subtitles?

Steve: The Best One Hit Wonders Album in the World Ever. You got stuff on there like, uh Nena 99 Red Balloons and M's Pop Muzik. So not that bad a selection actually this week. He's cut out some of the chaff.

Karl: Right.

Ricky: Right okay. So, here we go, Rockbusters.

Karl: Rockbusters, first one, we'll do two of these and i'll play something in a minute. Right, uh the first one, erm, the Australian picks two blokes.

Ricky: What?

Karl: The Australian picks two blokes.

Ricky: The Australian picks two blokes.

Steve: The initial?

Karl: Yeah, the initial E, right. And the second one, that builder's...

Ricky: I've got that already. It's annoying.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: ...That builder's a bit cute.

Steve: He's a bit cute?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: Alright.

Karl: And that's B.T.

Steve: B.T.

Steve: That builder's a bit cute.

Steve: Yep. And the Australian picks to blokes E. And then what i'm going to do now, is play you some sound effects that make up a song. And you've gotta guess what the song is.

Ricky: Go on then. Just do it.

Karl: Make sure you listen, okay- here we go- here we go.

Barking and smacking noises.

Karl: There you go, so what song's that? Sort of an XFM soundtrack init.

Ricky: Yep, okay well that's great. Email only.

Steve: So our first- I should just clarify that the first two are band names or artists names, but that's the title of the track you want there.

Karl: Yep, aright...

Steve: So confusing, no-one's ever going to figure this out.

Ricky: They will though- they will.

Karl: They'll do it.

Steve: [email protected]

Ricky: Hey. Listen, we've got the best fans in the world Steve.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Remember- remember that. Without them we ain't nothing.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So, good luck to ya.

Karl: D'you wanna pick a track Steve?

Steve: I'd love to...

Ricky: I wanna hear some Money Magic, I wanna hear some Chimpanzee that, I wanna hear some Aping around.

Steve: We've got that still to come.

Ricky: Ohh, I can't believe it. We got Rockbusters, That film sounds good, we've got oooh look at him up in Hollywouldn't and we've got like, uh Monkey me Monkey you, we got Gibbon on the Horn.

Steve: Jesse Malin this is a great track.

Song: Jesse Malin - Brooklyn


This is Mentalists

Song: Coldplay - Clocks

Ricky: Coldplay an Clocks on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Right, give me some monkey magic Karl.

Steve: Hang on, better do the jingle ain't you?

Ricky: Ooo- ooo chimpanzee that.

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: Right, you'll like this one. Erm, what I found is uh. I found out like a lot of monkey's names, like that's how I found out about Oliver.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: What d'you mean you found out a lot of monkey's names?

Karl: Well there's a lot of monkeys out there, an you think they're just called Monkey an what-av-ya. But they're all given names. Right. So this one that I found about, bit of a weird name anyway, it's actually called Crap, it's name. Right, and...

Ricky: Sorry, so they're not born with those names. It's not like their parents given them those names. You know they're just Chimps.

Karl: Yeah, yeah, yeh yeh. But this one, right, and erm...

Steve: It's called Crap?

Karl: Yeah I know. Right but, d'you know what it's famous for?

Steve: What, Crap?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: No.

Ricky: Go on.

Steve: Is it involved with this show?

Karl: It, uh, the first monkey to have its name tattooed on its head.

Ricky and Steve snicker

Ricky: Yeah, again, I would say not by choice. There is no way that a chimp would go down to Camden lock and go uh...

Ricky: Are you a registered tattooist? I am yes. Yeh yeh it's the cleanest yeh. Okay erm, had a look through your book. I'm looking for something quite gothic, but erm, I- I'd like you know. What's your name? Crap. Ooo, not sure that I can do that because... You're not drunk are you? I haven't had a drink- I haven't had a drink. I've had some un-bongo and that's all.

Ricky: What are you talking about the first monkey to have its name tattooed on its head? What are you talking about?

Steve: There's gotta be more information, don't tell me you're leaving it there. There's got to be more information.

Karl: That was it, an I read it thinking, well that's weird, because that means there's loads of monkeys with tattoos on their heads. If that's the first one.

Ricky: No. It could be still the only one.

Steve: First and only.

Karl: Yeah, but would they report that?

Ricky: What d'you mean would THEY report it? This isn't the Washington Post you're reading.

Steve laughs

Ricky: This is mentalists, who do websites about themselves everyday.

Steve: I- e- I- I- I- Wha- What. There's got to be a third act to that story.

Ricky: Why is that news- why is that news. W- How did you come across that?

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Firs -?- monkey with tattoo head ww. I mean what are you talking about?

Steve: But why did it have its name tattooed on its head?

Karl: Dno, it didn't say that. I- I mean I, yeah, I know it's mad. But- but it didn't say.

Steve: But what that enough for you? Did you feel satisfied after having read that? Did you not have other questions?

Ricky: I mean there's no way that is in the Guinness book of records. There's no way that that is cited in the Guinness book of records.

Karl: I- I just read it as like, what a weird name for a monkey. And then, oooh you wouldn't have that on your head.

Steve: What would be a good name for a monkey?

Karl: I dunno er, anything but that really.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Dave.

Karl: Ted, but what d'you think of that then?

Ricky: Well I don't know what to think about it, because I don't know what- I don't know what you're telling me. I don't know- I don't know that it's news, I don't know that it's true. I mean, I don't know where to start with that. Is that all you found? You found a something about a tatt...

Karl: No, I tell you right. When I was searching for stuff on monkeys right.

Ricky: Yeah,

Karl: I was searching around, like I always do, looking, finding information. And erm, found out that... are you aware of the Ice Man?

Steve: The Ice Man?

Karl: Yep.

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Right and, to me the monkey thing was more...

Steve: What's the Ice Man? The man that was found in the ice? A neandertol man

Karl: So you're aware of him. Right yeah. Ricky are you aware of him?

Steve: Not a monkey then.

Karl: Yeah, yeah I know but just as I was looking at like info.

Ricky: The five thousand year old fella' who was preserved in a glacier. That one?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: D'you find that more fascinating than the monkey?

Ricky: Well I know that it's true.

Karl: Yeah it is true. But d'you find it more fascinating?

Ricky: Simply because it's true I find it more fascinating. I can't act on sommat -?- If someone, anythings that's true is more fascinating.

Karl: But, y'see what I get from the monkey thing. You go, aww I wonder if it was happy about that.

Ricky: But you accept it straight away. You accept that that is true and interesting and. I don't know what that is. I mean, to me it sounds like a bit of cruelty towards animals.

Karl: No, no yeah. That's just tight.

Ricky: Because they're, uh uh. I mean if that's true it's disgusting, to tattoo a monkeys head. It's disgusting.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: D'you know what I mean?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: There's no way. That's what i'm saying. It doesn't do a. If a monkey, if they were reported that a monkey went in a got a tattoo, and chose it itself and then was riding a Harley Davidson down Camd... I'd go, that is incredible. But i'd really wanna see it on the news and it mustn't be anywhere near the first of April. You know what I mean?

Steve: I think you just blown next weeks.

Ricky bursts out laughing

Song: David Bowie - Letter to Hermione


The Premise Means It's Not True

Song: David Bowie - Letter to Hermione

Ricky: Letter to Hermione, David Bowie off Space Oddity album. XFM 104.9. See, do you know- I dunno where- I thought you sort of learnt a little bit, Karl, what is an interesting fact and what might just be a mentalist online.

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? Do you know what point we're making here? Why the truth is so much more- even a little bit- even something thats, just you know, mild but definitely the truth is so much more interesting than just.. Wish fulfillment of truth. To me, if it starts with, 'there was this ghost right,' its not interesting. You could say anything, 'there was this ghost that could turn custard into wine. Doesn't matter. 'There was this ghost that had nine heads.' Doesn't matter.

Steve Laughs

Steve: You know Karls looking at you going, 'theres a ghost that can turn custard into wine!?'

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Yeah. It doesn't matter what you say after that, 'theres a ghost that can swallow alligators whole,' The premise means its not true, to me. D'ya know what I mean? Its like when people say, 'd'ya know what, God right he's incredible.' I'll go, I'll stop you there. 'The fact that he can make the Earth in seven days,' well you've lost me already. D'ya know what I mean? Whereas someone says something like, a cockroach can live for five days without a head, thats interesting. Thats interesting.

Karl: Right.

Steve: Do you think when you die they say, you're a ghost. This is gonna amaze you. You can go around spook people out-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Do you like custard?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Come over here.

Ricky: No. Well if you don't- oh you don't? Do you like wine? Course I do. Ohooho, you are gonna love it here.

Steve: You are gonna love being here, even though I've lost all my loved ones.

Ricky: D'ya see what I mean? Its what your sort of beliefs are based on. I mean mine are sort of on, I suppose, logic and science. But, I'm amazed by the world.

Karl: So the iceman, why, why does that amaze ya? Whats, whats like ooh?

Ricky: Well they they found part of our preserved past. Ya know its interesting. Again, I'm amazed by anthropology and evolution.

Pause

Karl: Yeah..

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Its just that, that line on its own like that, you know they've found an iceman is great. But then it went on and on and its goin' on about, ya know, they've had to get different people involved to find out how old it was. Cause first of all the story started off right, an old fella on holiday somewhere. Err, where did they find it? In Sweden or something? And he was walkin' in the hills-

Ricky: He was walkin'?

Karl: In the hills.

Ricky: In heels? Was he a transvestite?

Karl: In the mountains.

Ricky: Oh right.

Steve: In the HILLS.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So he's walkin, walkin' about, he sees this body in the snow and he thinks ooh. So he calls the police up, and they come and have a look and say, 'oh yeah, it was probably a murder.' So then, they dig it up

Ricky Titters

Karl: and find out he's got hold of a spear in his hand.

Ricky: And he's dressed like Fred Flintstone. And they realise its probably not a recent murder.

Steve: His knuckles are dragging across the floor, he's a neanderthal man, they think, 'hang on, Karl Pilkington!'

Ricky Laughs

Karl: But when they found out, hang on, its an old thing..-

Ricky: Its an old thing!

Karl: Can it. If it was a murder recent you'd go, 'hang on, how did this happen? Who does he belong to?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But the chances are whoever murdered him is also dead.

Ricky: Five thousand years ago, yeah.

Karl: So leave it. Just bury it.

Steve Laughs slightly

Ricky Cackles

Steve: I don't think its a murder investigation.

Karl: No but they are-

Ricky: Its not Quincy going, 'this was really before my time.'

Steve: Its not a murder investigation.

Ricky Effecting Jack Klugman accent

Ricky: Uh yeah, just one thing bothers me sir. Um, just one final thing, my wife loves you. But um, this guy, why would he have a spear? And a leopard skin? I just can't, I can't get over this.

Ricky Back to talking normally

Ricky: What are you talking about?

Karl: Thats what I'm sayin'.

Ricky: What are you saying? Right. Shut up everybody. What are you saying? You've got one chance now, you've got to ask me a question and I will answer it to the best of my ability. But what are you saying? What is your question?

Karl: I'm sayin', right. He probably spent a load of money trying to sort out..

Ricky: Thats not a question. Thats not a quesiton.

Karl: Yeah but let me tell ya what I'm sayin', right. They're probably spending a load of money finding out stuff about this fella who died, and even if he wasn't murdered he'd be dead by now anyway, so get over it, right.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: Three thousand years ago he died, right. So then they start messin' about with it, saying well how did he die? It doesn't matter, it was ages ago. Then, they start diggin' his belly open, seeing err.. Last meal that he ate.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Oooh he ate seeds and leaves. Well, no surprise really. There was nowt else around. Again, spendin' more money. Someones been paid money to sort that out. Then they bury him, and say, hang on a minute are you sure that he died by, like, a spear? Lets dig him up again. So they dig him up again, and find some splinter or somethin'.


Can We Experiment on Karl?


And that was prodigy smack my bitch up