19 January 2002

Xfm Series 1 November 2001 - May 2002 List of episodes

Episodes: 10 November 2001 (Transcript) 17 November 2001 (Transcript) 24 November 2001 (Transcript) 01 December 2001 (Transcript) 08 December 2001 (Transcript) 15 December 2001 (Transcript) 22 December 2001 (Transcript) 12 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.1 19 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.2 26 January 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.3 09 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.4 16 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.5 23 February 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.6 02 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.7 09 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.8 16 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.9 23 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.10 30 March 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.11 06 April 2002 (Transcript) Early Years Ep.12 13 April 2002 (Transcript) 20 April 2002 (Transcript) 27 April 2002 (Transcript) 04 May 2002 (Transcript)

Ricky and Steve recount embarrassing personal stories, Karl gets opinionated and the idea for 'White Van Karl' is born.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 19 January 2002/Transcript

1. That's The Third One Today (0:03:50)

Ricky covers for time by reading the playlist, but has nothing else prepared. Steve envisions Karl as a Garfield car toy, leading to Ricky's memories of throwing frogs at windows. Discussion of Karl looking like Moby and Ricky's tales of driving around with his mates and knocking over motorcyclists.

2. My Parents Had A Big Volvo (0:10:21)

Steve borrows his parents' car to 'cruise down' to a party, the chick he has his eye on is playing hard to get by completely ignoring him. Steve's having a terrible time when someone suggests picking up "Vera", he takes a couple of guys and the girl he fancies out into the middle of a field, when out of nowhere, they come back with a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig they'd nicked. They head back to the party but Steve has trouble with a three point turn, getting the Volvo stuck, Steve gets tearful, then weeps, before another guy jumps in and saves the day, stealing Steve's 'girl'. Discussion of pig anatomy ensues, as well as the jumping power of fleas. Remember Tom Binns.

3. You Can Have A Moody Canary (0:15:52)

Karl discusses "Mr Exorcist", a TV show which confirms his belief in the supernatural. A budgie is a bit depressed about a ghost, so the exorcist sorts it out and the budgie cheers up. Ricky and Steve are converted.

4. You Need An Haircut, You Look Like A Scruffy Get (0:19:04)

Further dissection of "Mr Exorcist". Karl has an opinion on everything, Steve appeals for queries from listeners into Karl's opinions on various topics. Steve labels Karl "our white van man". 'That Film Sounds Good' track is Livin' For The City by Stevie Wonder from Jungle Fever, requested by Martin.

5. Who Else Is Blind? (0:21:37)

Stevie Wonder has a driving license according to Karl, or has he, Karl can't remember, it might be another blind person. Steve and Ricky question the ability of blind people to drive, Karl retracts his claim.

6. There's A Time And A Place For It (0:26:49)

Listeners love Karl, is he the new Will McDonald or Gordon the Gopher? Karl used to have his own show - a phone-in. Karl's thoughts on nudism, Steve and the Starling massacre. Karl ruminates on a show about an old naturist, who was wandering down a main road. Why couldn't Barbie be real and other illogical questions.

7. I Had One Apple And Listened To Primal Scream (0:32:09)

Incubus tickets giveaway, Ricky is worried about the Nu-Metal/Rock fusion, which Karl hates. Karl's listening choices: Ash in the morning; Magic FM in the evening. How does Karl envision the apocalypse playing out? He's not keen on it, so he opts for cryogenic freezing. If he had to kiss a woman with a fish body or a horse body, Karl would choose the fish.

8. Our Listeners Have Got Open Minds (0:36:13)

Steve isn't interested in 'cool', obviously, or what is traditionally handsome, he cares about what he likes. Ricky sets an Incubus tickets question, which London tube station has no vowels, or one vowel, it doesn't matter because he can't remember the answer anyway. Of Dr Fox on Pop Idol, Ricky and Steve approve but he wears too much blusher.

9. Let's Keep Up This Veneer Of Professionalism (0:40:17)

Ricky and Steve recall Ricky's Razzmatazz story to provide a question for the Incubus tickets, Lindsay from Clapham Junction gives Buck's Fizz as the correct answer to the question 'which band tried to sneak Ricky onto a plane'. She swaps the tickets for a T-shirt, which are given to Dan who already heard the answer but definitely ISN'T cheating. Steve and Ricky cover whilst Karl talks to a caller.

10. Is That Cumberland Pie for £5.95? (0:47:13)

Ricky's brother loves Gran Turismo. Steve's tube tales: a flapping maintenance panel leads Steve to act responsible, but the person he reports it to is rather discourteous. Steve and his mates find a suspicious bag left outside a pub, the landlord covers it with a sandwich board. The cops show up and teach Steve one hell of a lesson. Ricky and his mate get insulted by the police, the word 'prats' is involved. Ricky makes a fool of himself unintentionally, Steve also does, intentionally.

11. You Make Yourself Look A Cock And Me Look A Twat (0:48:55)

Ricky and Steve wrap up with a bit of swearing.

Quotes

Steve: And I live, come from the West Country...
Ricky: No! You’re joking, do ya?
Karl: Do they have cars there?
Steve: Oh, here he comes!

Steve: I was so terrified that all I could think was there gonna have to send a helicopter to lower a magnet, onto the top of the car to lift the car up and put it the right way round.
Ricky: You used to read a lot of comics didn’t ya?
Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: We've got a competition, now we were talking about people keeping an open mind, now our listeners have got open minds, they're, they're not only open, they're blank, you know what I mean, really.
Steve: Like empty canvases, empty heads...
Ricky: Yeah, from the ones that have been phoning up, I don't know how they dialled, I think they're wrong numbers or they've sat on the phone or something...

Ricky: Apparently a couple of prats are walkin' round

Playlist

Dandy Warhols - Get Off
Coldplay - Don't Panic
Dilated Peoples - Worst Comes To Worst
Ash - There's A Star
Blur - Girls & Boys
That Film Sounds Good: Stevie Wonder - Livin' For The City
Ed Harcourt - Apple of My Eye
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Love Burns
Hip-Hop Hooray: De La Soul - With Me
POD - Alive
Song For The Lovers: David Bowie - Can You Hear Me?
Hives - Hate To Say I Told You So
Primal Scream - Loaded
Feeder - Just A Day
Groove Armada - Suntoucher
Song For The Ladies: Led Zeppelin - The Rain Song

Trivia

The question Ricky is trying to think of is "Which London Underground station has only one vowel in its name?" The answer is Bank, there's no station called 'Bow', only Bow Church, Bromley-by-Bow and Bow Road. Bank is also the only tube station with one syllable.

External Links

• Tom Binns