27 April 2002
|Xfm Series 1 |
November 2001 - May 2002
List of episodes
The boys talk about BAFTA, urban legends and Karl's theory of gays going out late, which concludes with a commentary over The Killing of Georgie.
|For a full transcript of this episode see 27 April 2002/Transcript|
1. I'm A Bad Man, Cos I Don't Give Lungs Away? (0:00:00)
Karl is stressing out after Ricky and Steve put him under pressure. Despite the two of them making Karl what he is today, he says there's only so much he can give back, comparing it to repaying someone who'd saved his life. Karl recounts his and Ricky's tale of being 'Have-A-Go Heroes', more like 'Have-A-Walk Heroes' by all accounts; apparently being robbed is very distressing, which Karl would confirm but unfortunately has broken his microphone and thus is on the receiving end of a double 'play a record'.
2. They Do Go Out Late (0:03:25)
Karl looks like the Smash aliens, which is not great as he's hungover after partying at an Xfm gig the night before, at which Steve tore up the place with his tip top hip hop mega mix, respect. Ricky listens in disbelief as Steve describes the 'big-ups' he got from three lovely ladies and disc jockey supremo Zane Lowe, all for playing three old records in a certain order. Ricky recounts his conversation with Karl about songs with a story, this leads to a breakdown of the narrative from the Rod Stewart classic The Killing of Georgie, ending with a classic Karl theory, Gays Go Out Too Late. He proffers a story of Suzanne travelling in a cab through Soho at 4am, while it was 'mental' with gays, QED.
3. Obviously He Had To Pose As My Gay Lover (0:09:34)
Ricky and Steve unveil their prize for the day, a BAFTA bag signed by literally dozens of B List celebrities including Phil “Steve McFadden” Mitchell. Karl is not impressed, but then he wasn't impressed by the BAFTA ceremony either; in fact he says it was the worst thing he's ever done. Not only was it interminably boring and not only did he have to pose as Steve's 'partner', but he also had to fork out £600 on a flashy suit and trimmings. He's glad he went though, as his philosophy on life is to take up opportunities when they arise. Emails have flooded in congratulating the boys on their BAFTA wins and Ricky's appearance on Room 101. One cheeky listener wants to know if Ricky only has one suit – the answer is 'yes'. It cost a fortune.
Rick and Steve met DJ and medical man Neil 'Foxy' Fox at the BAFTAs, and were charmed despite his enormous head to go with his massive body, which Karl couldn't fit on the camcorder screen. Speaking of being on screen, Steve was complimented by a girlfriend of a friend, after appearing on a Channel 4 list show. Apparently he looks better on telly than in real life. A lot of listeners think Karl looks like Morph, which Ricky confirms as accurate, and Steve chips in with a gingerbread man comparison. Steve's pleased because Dido has called off her wedding, and he reckons he's well in there, because, come on, let's face it, she looks like a receptionist or something. Karl is upset about the prevalence of looks over talent in pop music, but thinks Dido and Steve would be a good match.
5. Spandau Ballet – Golfy Golfy (0:22:15)
Fat Boy Slim performed to 20,000 people on Brighton beach; Steve reckons he could rustle up 80 people and some donkeys at Weston-super-Mare, at least. This comparison reminds Ricky of the scarce audience on mainly-forgotten cable show Karaoke Challenge that he and Steve tried to get on when filming Golden Years. He also tells an anecdote of unsuccessfully trying to prank The Chris Moyles Show during a competition on golfing puns. Karl tries to think some up, this takes a while, but he does it eventually. Karl is also under the weather due to travelling on the tube (there's a lot of badness down there. And suicide._
6. Brains In A Bag Curry Microwave Head Story (0:27:28)
Steve enquires as to what Karl's day job is: he makes stuff, but doesn't talk to anyone all day, he just gets all his information from the internet. He relays an urban legend which Steve and Ricky dismiss as bollocks. Ricky provides a couple of made-up myths himself, featuring a phone not ringing and a man shitting himself. Things take a turn for the macabre when Karl brings up the subject of cremation versus burial, and recalls tales of, ages ago, people being buried alive.
7. Karl's Swap Shop (0:35:36)
Ricky reveals how listeners can win the signed BAFTA bag, by offering to swap it for something that will enrich Karl's life. The boys then spend the entire link, nearly five minutes, explaining what people should send, where to send it to and that's it. Seriously. By the end everyone's thoroughly bored of the whole thing and wishes they'd never started. The End.
8. Mann's Been Around Longer Than Crow (0:40:12)
Karl isn't impressed by Aimee Mann, but then he's not impressed by much. Ricky and Steve try to name some great female singer-songwriters, they struggle but agree that Anastacia is older than she claims, comparing her to an Essex girl's mother who gets pally with her daughter's mates. They ask Karl for his opinion,and he's nonplussed. Things take a dark turn as Karl is fed up with being ridiculed and Ricky questions what the K-man wants out of life. Karl likes unexpected pleasures and he brings up the BAFTAs again, leading Ricky onto the subject of food. This ignites another rant from Steve about Ricky's dietary habits and persistent hypochondria. The mood thankfully lifts when talk turns to cancer, and laughs are had all round. Back to food, and Ricky still annoys Steve with his chips-sausage-beans diet. If Steve were on Room 101, Ricky would be first in. Next week we find out who Karl would put in there.
9. It's Better To Drive Than It Is To Walk On It (0:49:44)
Steve continues with the White Van Karl questions, and opinions are garnered on how long it takes women to get ready to go out; Sven Goran-Eriksson sticking with his girlfriend; David Beckham driving on an injured foot and far-right leader Jean-Marie Le Pen's success in the French elections.
10. No Evidence Of Him Being Scottish (0:52:52)
Steve quickly recaps the BAFTA bag competition, before moving onto a little treat – 'The Killing of Georgie' with commentary from the boys. Towards the end Ricky suddenly becomes worried that it might be a true story, and if it is, they didn't know that before they started taking the piss. Sorry Rod.
Steve: But what I love though Rick is the idea of you, jumping into icy water to save someone, giving them a lung; I can guarantee if someone was lying on the floor screaming, they needed your help, you'd effect a foreign accent and go 'I no understand' and run off.
Karl: Basically I sat there (the Baftas) for three hours, knowing that I'm not gonna get anything out of the night.
Ricky: Yeah (...) Sorry! When we invited you and you said 'yes', did you think you were up for an award?
Ricky: Yeah and... what sort of bloke goes “I'll call you at 4, okay, if your business is...” 'Well, call me anyway' “No, no, if I don't call at exactly 4 then commit suicide” 'Commit suicide?' “I would, cos if I don't call at 4, urgh, that's the end of it.”
Steve: How many times have you been to a doctor's clinic, and sat in the waiting room, right, Karl, how many times have you been there with a friend of yours? Twice I've been with Ricky.
Karl: There's all sorts of bad stuff going on in the world that we don't know about.
Steve: Well, we know about this.
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Spread Your Love
The Dandy Warhols - Bohemian Like You
The Hives – Main Offender
Simon and Garfunkel – The Only Living Boy in New York
Mali Music – Sunset Coming On
Badly Drawn Boy – Something to Talk About
David Bowie - Fashion
Doves – There Goes the Fear
Eminem – Without Me
Cat Stevens – Lilywhite
The Cooper Temple Clause – Who Needs Enemies?
Aimee Mann - Red Vines
Alpinestars – Carbon Kid
The Rolling Stones - Gimme Shelter
Rod Stewart - The Killing of Georgie
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