Karl's Poems

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Karl's Poems were first introduced in the third series of podcasts. Steve discovered them while reading through Karl's Diary. Surprisingly, Ricky and Steve were both mildly impressed by his work. Later, more poems appeared in Happyslapped by a Jellyfish and Karlology.

Episode 1

If moths had eyes, would they be happier?
How do they know they're not dead?
Cavemen hunting for food
But not before they style the hair on their head
What would last longer in dinosaur times?
A blind man didn't stand a chance
Not with all them rocks about
I'd rather be a blind moth

Episode 2

Bubbled wallpaper, what a mess.
Washer dryer knackered, what a mess.
Siamese twins seperated, one leg less.

Episode 3

Jellyfish

I don't like jellyfish, they’re not a fish, they're just a blob.
They don’t have eyes, fins or scales like a cod.
They float about blind, stinging people in the seas,
And no one eats jellyfish with chips and mushy peas.
Get rid of 'em!

Jellyfish, Part 2

It would be spiteful
To put jellyfish in a trifle

For God's Sake

For God's sake, me belly ache
The doctor said it’s me kidney
He said he’s got to stick a tube up me knob
I said you got to be kidding me
For God' sake, knob ache.

Episode 6

Me Ward

Me, a Chinese fella and an old bloke,
Who looked like Mr Burns from 'The Simpsons',
Don't know what was wrong with him,
But breaking wind was the symptoms.
No one visited him or called him.
He seemed quite lost to me.
As well as wind problems,
He had a colostomy.
When I left,
I said "see ya" to the old man.
Turned out the other fella wasn't Chinese,
He was from Japan.

Happyslapped By A Jellyfish

Bank Holiday Monday

Bank holiday Monday
Bank holiday mundane
No shops open
Plenty of rain

Suzanne's Mam and Dad's Pub

Lots of smoke and strange folk
Regular laughing at his own jokes
Dog on a rope
Fruit machine broke
Old man in a corner who never spoke

Sheep Off A Cliff

Thousands of sheep fed up,
So they jumped off cliff into bay.
They shouldn't survive,
But it just goes to show,
Where there's wool there's a way

Rome

Rome wasn't built in a day,
It just looks that way.

Karlology

Art

Dead artists’ work shoots up in price
So am I then wrong to surmise
That the value of our flat will increase
If our painter and decorator dies

My Ears

I don’t know how to rest my ears
They both sit there listening in
It could be worse
I could have four
Just like a Siamese twin
(Saying that, with four ears there’s
No chance of over-sleeping.)

Fish Once Had Legs

To save space in the seas
Nature made fish into amputees
Now sea levels are rising but I won’t complain
Cos this gives fish room to grow limbs back again
And I’m really looking forward
To when this time comes
To eating fish legs lightly sprinkled
In golden breadcrumbs

Science

In 1905 Einstein
Came up with E = mc squared
Yet in 2008 British Gas
Still can’t get my boiler repaired
Archimedes said “Eureka!”
With no hot water … I reeka!

Cavemen

“Cavemen were stupid” is what some say
But they created the wheel and fire
I’ve just paid 49 pounds for heating this month
And 38 quid for a new tyre!
Who’s stupid again?