Podcast - Bonus Disc
- Disclaimer: This summary is not intended as a substitute or replacement for this podcast or material such as The World of Karl Pilkington, rather it is intended as an archive for reference on its content and information surrounding it.
On 13 November 2006, a 3-CD set containing highlights of the the first series of The Ricky Gervais Show was released. With the award-winning podcast breaking records and topping charts around the world, this set was released for the iPod-less who perhaps had heard of the show, but had no means of listening to it. The third disc contains an all new and exclusive Bonus Podcast with an hour's worth of new material from Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. 0n 25 November 2007, this podcast was released for free for the public on iTunes.
- 1 Track Listing
- 1.1 1. A Plant Solved A Murder (0:00:00)
- 1.2 2. As Me or As A Worm? (0:08:36)
- 1.3 3. I'd Upper You and Go Away The Doctor, If Anything (0:11:27)
- 1.4 4. I Don't Want To Be a Blind Ghost (0:14:02)
- 1.5 5. What a Load of Bollocks This Is (0:20:50)
- 1.6 6. Twelve Hours Stuffing Socks into a Rubber Bag (0:24:16)
- 1.7 7. I Don't Think It's That Good (0:27:35)
- 1.8 8. Suzanne, Should I Be Dry? (0:34:51)
- 1.9 9. Someone's Been Tippin' (0:38:12)
- 1.10 10. Global Warming or Evolution? (0:41:15)
- 1.11 11. Germs Are Eating Chocolate (0:47:29)
- 1.12 12. I'm Serving Some Right Rubbish Tonight, Give 'Em Some Of That Kusabi (0:49:30)
- 1.13 13. Some Weird Mind-Reading Woman and Her Dog (0:53:42)
- 1.14 14. Did I Tell You About The Immune System (0:59:15)
- 1.15 15. A Three Foot Ant With a Hard Hat (1:02:02)
- 1.16 16. One Big Slipper (1:06:21)
- 2 Quotes
Note: Track timestamps are from the Podcast version of the show, and each section of this summary relates to one track on the CD.
1. A Plant Solved A Murder (0:00:00)
Steve kicks things straight off by suggesting he and Ricky continue to quiz Karl with the questionnaire featured at the end of the TV show Inside The Actor's Studio (which the three have started other times in the show's history) as he feels it is a good way to introduce people to Karl, who maybe haven't heard much of the work they have done together previously. Question 6: What sound or noise do you love? Karl isn't that impressed with noises, although he does like nice noises such as you would hear in the park. Although even that isn't that nice. Recently while walking in the park, Karl noticed a bird trying to eat a worm, and tried to intervene (much to the amusement of Ricky and Steve). Karl felt sympathy for the worm as this was one of the rare occasions when a worm came to the surface on a sunny day, so he felt it deserved to enjoy the weather as opposed to being eaten. Normally worms only come up when it's raining because, according to Karl, they are wondering what the tapping noise is above their land. Once again, Ricky tries to explain to Karl that animals, such as worms, aren't wondering anything and they don't think. Karl, as always, isn't so sure and believes that everything thinks. Case in point, his mam has spoken to him about some weird stuff that's been going on in the world. Apparently, a plant has aided police in arresting a murderer. There was a murder in an office. The victim was just an average typist and so it was likely this person was murdered by someone else in the office. A "flower man" came along and claimed he could help. Apparently the flower was knocked over in the struggle, and this upset it. Once it had calmed down it was hooked up to some "special wires" and was asked to ID the murderer. After a long day, the caretaker was placed in front of the plant which started shaking. The man was arrested for the murder. There was no other evidence given, but obviously the caretaker was caught off guard and confessed. Ricky responds in the usual manner. Karl returns to his original point, which is that a worm should be allowed to enjoy a sunny day, without the threat of being eaten. Karl felt bad as he failed to save the worm from the bird. Ricky pities the creature, as before death it must have realised that God had sent Karl Pilkington to save him.
2. As Me or As A Worm? (0:08:36)
Still a touch confused by Karl's last answer, Steve proceeds to question 7: Which sound or noise do you hate? Karl is confused. Is he to answer from his point-of-view or a worm's? Ricky and Steve are shocked. That's one response James Lipton has never gotten on Inside The Actor's Studio. Karl asks because he answered the last question as a worm and wondered if he was to do the same again. Thinking like a worm has led Karl to believe that any noise can mean disaster. Naturally, Ricky and Steve aren't so sure and expect Karl to back up this claim. Laughing could mean asylums; also if you woke up in the middle of the night by a sound of a baby laughing it would be terrifying. Reverting (as always) to answering the question with science, Ricky claims we as humans don't like the sound of tigers, but we probably do enjoy the sound of our mother's voice. Karl thinks it depends on the context, e.g. tigers are OK if they're in the zoo, but the sound of the sea would be out of place in London.
3. I'd Upper You and Go Away The Doctor, If Anything (0:11:27)
Question 8: What profession, other than your own, would you like to attempt? Karl wouldn't mind maybe "havin' a go" at surgery (if he's had the training). Ricky is again confused by Karl's constantly changing levels of ambition. There are times he just wants a simple job with decent pay and others when he wants a job that is of more significance to the world like a doctor. Karl thinks doing the podcast is fun and enjoyable for some but he is giving noting back to the world. Doctors contribute to the world, and have to work in miserable conditions and have the stress of "changing a lung an' that" on top. Ricky thinks Karl has no hope of ever being allowed to change a lung. Karl thinks too many people are being "uppered" to jobs they are unprepared for. Before Karl can continue his point, his vocabulary is again discussed. Karl proceeds with his point: more doctors are needed so when you start work at a hospital you are more likely to get promoted earlier.
4. I Don't Want To Be a Blind Ghost (0:14:02)
Karl's old pet hate of going to the doctor's office is brought up. Karl has recently got a new doctor and as part of the sign-up process he had to have a health check. Amongst other things, Karl filled out an organ donor sheet. After much deliberation, Karl decided most of his body could go, but he was unsure if he would want his eyes taken out. Karl mentions the after-life and how even though Ricky and Steve disapprove, no one really knows what happens after death. This is why Karl is unsure about donating his eyes: if he does become a ghost he doesn't want to spend eternity bumping into stuff. Ghosts don't eat so that's why Karl wouldn't need his internal organs. Disclaimer: Ricky does not believe in any mumbo-jumbo. The ghost's body is always in the last condition it's in before death. Ricky is sceptical (no joke). Ricky has a query for Karl, what if you die mid rectal exam? You are always wondering around with your pants around your ankles and a doctor's finger up your arse. That's when you need to give the vicar a call.
5. What a Load of Bollocks This Is (0:20:50)
Ricky and Steve are impressed with the level of drivel Karl has come out with on this podcast. Karl watched a programme about dead people recently. It was about people who are alone and die in their house and rot in their armchair. When the "corpse removal people" arrive, there are flies everywhere. Where did they come from? Karl reckons it's reincarnation. Ricky explains that people are covered in fly eggs. Karl thinks it's weirder that people are covered in flies than to believe reincarnation. Karl recalls a time his dad threw out a whole turkey and when Karl lifted the bin lid (bid lin, lid bin) he noticed there was a load of flies on the turkey. Ricky explains they got there when the bird was on the table. Karl counters saying it never was, his mam didn't want to have it as it was barely dead and had feathers.
6. Twelve Hours Stuffing Socks into a Rubber Bag (0:24:16)
Back to the questions. Question number nine: What profession would you not like to do? Karl believes there are advantages to bad jobs. When you have a horrible job, you appreciate time off more. When Karl had to work through the night until 6, he never appreciated his holidays as much because he was asleep at that time. To enjoy a holiday, he continues, you need to be able to be awake and look at your watch and be satisfied that normally you're working at that time. Ricky thinks the satisfaction comes from not having to get up. Take for example, if you were to work from eight in the morning until eight at night, stuffing socks into a rubber bag. When you're on holiday, from eight to eight you can relax, thinking "normally at this time I'm stuffing socks into a rubber bag". Ricky and Steve cannot get past the occupation Karl chose to use in his example.
7. I Don't Think It's That Good (0:27:35)
Steve reads Karl the final question from the Inside The Actor's Studio list: If Heaven exists, what would like God to say to you at the Pearly Gates? Karl is unsure of the question. If God's in charge then he's hardly going to be on the door, so chances are it would be St. Peter asking him. Ricky explains the situation a little better: when he first dies, Karl will have one meeting with God, so what would Karl hope he'd say? Karl thinks he wouldn't be comfortable on the first day... so atheist Ricky is forced to explain the notion of eternal bliss in Heaven to Karl. Karl would like God to assure him that he has done no one any harm as well as a brief orientation. Karl would ask about the "ghost situation" but reckons God might not answer. He would also ask God if he could avoid his late family members. Ricky wonders who's the worst person Karl could bump into in Heaven, as well as asking him what would he do if God told him he was cruel to freaks and confronted him with some of Karl's favourites. God has a lot of time on his hands. Karl is worried about Heaven being crowded, since London annoys him and Heaven is worse. Ricky reminds Karl that he would have to be naked in heaven but Karl thinks he might need some time to get used to the idea. Karl doesn't think Heaven is that good.
8. Suzanne, Should I Be Dry? (0:34:51)
It's time for Karl's diary. Karl saw something on the news about an elephant getting slippers. If the slipper is dying out, Ricky and Steve disagree. Slippers are inside shoes. Karl attempted to have a shower but there was no hot water. Karl made do with the little water that was in the kettle. Suzanne suggested that he buy some water from the shop. He didn't think of this.
9. Someone's Been Tippin' (0:38:12)
Karl had a look online to see what's going on in the world. Everest (the mountain) grew a bit. It was only inches though. Ricky thinks, in fact, that the measuring techniques have changed and that it hasn't in actually grown. Karl thinks it doesn't really matter. But in other Everest news, someone was climbing it recently and found a piano. Perhaps it was put there by someone who couldn't get the council to take it away. Steve informs Karl that the piano was found in the Scottish Moorlands as someone was pulling it as part of a world record attempt but didn't pull it back afterwards. Ricky's dad used to bury everything he couldn't shift because the council charged for everything.
10. Global Warming or Evolution? (0:41:15)
The weather is weird; perhaps it's global warming. Karl wonders whether we came out of the sea and started wandering around on land, did people blame the weather? Karl worries that evolution cannot happen in the modern age because people are so conscious of change. If humans began developing a third leg because they were putting too much pressure on the existing two, people would surgically remove the growth that would eventually evolve into a leg as they would be worried about what it is. Ricky explains that this is not evolution to Karl once again and that there is no will to it. Sometimes evolution happens over fortnights. There is a lizard somewhere that is underground that doesn't need its eyes. It was getting dirt in its eyes and it was getting tired quicker. Ricky again goes over how evolution works and emphasises the time involved. Karl wonders if midgets are the next step in human evolution. Ricky and Steve have a cuppa while Karl rants.
11. Germs Are Eating Chocolate (0:47:29)
Some scientists have found a cure for bird flu. It's something to do with something in horses. Karl thinks we need to stop curing stuff because germs are just getting stronger. In 2020, Karl believes that we will be able to see germs in the air because they will have grown to a massive size. More people will die by choking on these germs than by whatever affliction would normally be associated with them. Ricky is curious about just how mental Karl is. There was a science piece last week about a germ that eats sugar and was placed in a lunch box with a chocolate bar and when the scientist returned the bar was gone.
12. I'm Serving Some Right Rubbish Tonight, Give 'Em Some Of That Kusabi (0:49:30)
Karl explains a theory on eating to Suzanne, that perhaps we should run on something like coal, so we wouldn't eat for pleasure and people wouldn't get overweight. Suzanne wasn't impressed. Karl thinks people overeat. When ever a new animal is discovered, such as a new frog that has surfaced recently, it's tested for various things - can it jump?, is there a poison/cure in it?, can we eat it? Menus are getting bigger because more animals are being discovered and people eat them when they have no other use. Karl recommends we stick to eating cows and chickens and if we run out we can move on to stuff like frog. Ricky remembers a night out he had with Karl where he ate a blob of wasabi. He goes onto explain why it is we get addicted to spicy foods, but Karl reckons it's just the chef serving spicy stuff to kill taste buds because the main course is no good.
13. Some Weird Mind-Reading Woman and Her Dog (0:53:42)
At lunch time, Karl went to a café. He noticed an old woman eating pizza which he felt was weird. Ricky and Steve agree, but think it would be OK for an old Italian lady, but Karl thinks they should stick to lasagne. Karl read that we will speak to an alien by 2025. Karl is concerned that aliens could read his mind. He had an experience like this before. When he was working in a recording studio some old mind-reading woman came in with a dog. He knew she was attempting to read his mind so he thought about the dog so she'd think he was reading the dog's mind. Ricky and Karl discuss whether or not dogs can "pick up vibes". Karl thought about the dog running about on the beach. He didn't want the woman to find out about people he didn't like, in case she told them. Like the old woman who kept pestering him with socks "with pictures on". Ricky rants about mind-readers.
14. Did I Tell You About The Immune System (0:59:15)
Some fella had an affair, so his wife super glued his genitals to his legs. Karl is nervous about that type of thing so he doesn't wear "ear-buds". Karl talks to Suzanne about the immune system when he wakes up. Suzanne laughed. Karl wonders why Sunday is the day of rest.
15. A Three Foot Ant With a Hard Hat (1:02:02)
Karl met his mate who told him about a guy who had his hands on the wrong arms. When Karl went to Ripley's in LA, he saw someone with their head on backwards, which is worse. Karl has the solution though. Karl read about a baby that was born that looked like a frog, which he felt that was a good description. Karl thinks if freaks were more common it would be good. He thinks insect people would be good workers. Ricky is concerned because he hasn't had a normal talk with Karl for about a year, probably because he has left work and has too much time to think about stuff. Karl continues with his ideas of putting insects to work and having giant insect builders. Ricky tells him his wish is insane.
16. One Big Slipper (1:06:21)
Karl got an Innovations Catalogue. He likes the stuff they have, like one big slipper. He likes that because it means you can have a slipper without wearing it outside. Karl had a great sleep but unfortunately woke up before his legs did. This happened once before when his mam and dad had a butty shop. The phone went off one morning and Karl was the only one in the house. He jumped out of bed but his legs were numb and he fell to the ground. It was someone selling bread to his dad.
Karl: [Worms] hear the knocking on their land, and they're like "Oh, who's that?"
Karl: Everything thinks..
Ricky: No, it doesn't.
Steve: There is something in this room that's not.
Karl: Normally birds are nice noises that I like. Yet, there's a bird going about wrecking lives.
Karl: I live in London. If I woke up and heard the sea, I'd be worried
Karl: [I don't want to have my eyes donated when I die because] I don't want to be a blind ghost.
Karl: The bid lin, the lid bin, the bin lid... yeah..
Ricky: I know! You were stuffing fucking socks into a rubber cunting bag!
Steve: No! I was having lunch at this time, you fucking slut!
Ricky: You go into God's office..
Steve: And God says "why have you got a doctor with a finger up your arse?"
Karl: [I'd like God to say to me] You've done well an' that in your life. You never did anybody any harm. So, welcome to heaven. Any problems, give us a shout. Here's a little layout of the area...
Karl: I'd ask [God] if I could see me family, cos.. to be honest I'd probably prefer to stay away.
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