Stephen Merchant Quotes By Date

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This a collection of opinions and quotes from Stephen Merchant listed by date
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31 May 1998 (Xfm series 0)

“See when I want to explain something alright, Gervais, what I do is, I think 'What do I need to say, how can I best express it, which words shall I use and in what order,’ when you want to express something you just go ‘Words, words, words, words, stop, words, words, oh, annoyed, annoyed, words.’ D'you know what I mean, it's just gobbledygook, Gervais!”
-Xfm 31 May 1998

10 November 2001 (Xfm series 1)

“Well, Karl, I'm glad you've brought this up, because for me, I mean, a lightweight frothy entertainment show, on Xfm, on a Saturday afternoon, is exactly the place where I want to discuss the desperate lonely future that's inevitably coming my way.”
-Xfm 10 November 2001

17 November 2001 (Xfm series 1)

“Did you see that film last night, Gaylords Say No?”
-Xfm 17 November 2001

24 November 2001 (Xfm series 1)

“[My Dad said to me about WW2] ‘Never forget, son.’ I went, ‘I don't remember, Dad.’"
-Xfm 24 November 2001

12 January 2002 (Xfm series 1)

“Well have you seen some lesbians? They're right dogs. Goodnight!”
-Xfm 12 January 2002

19 January 2002 (Xfm series 1)

“I was so terrified that all I could think was there gonna have to send a helicopter to lower a magnet, onto the top of the car to lift the car up and put it the right way round.”
-Xfm 19 January 2002

“We were happily married with a pig for a child.”
-Xfm 19 January 2002

26 January 2002 (Xfm series 1)

“Man alive.”
-Xfm 26 January 2002

09 February 2002 (Xfm series 1)

“Karl, can I have a Jaffa cake? Cos I’ve just found a lump.”
-Xfm 09 February 2002

23 February 2002 (Xfm series 1)

“And did your Dad, like, while he was listening to you, did he like tap the nurse and go ‘can you get that twat off the air’?”
-Xfm 23 February 2002

“I wouldn’t expect ya to diss me. Or me black queen.”
-Xfm 23 February 2002

06 April 2002 (Xfm series 1)

“It’s definitely Liam Gallagher.”
-Xfm 06 April 2002

“His comment on ‘Sainsbury’s are bringing in square tins’ is, now…is ‘that should be interesting for meatballs.’ (Pause for lots of laughs) Ricky has just collapsed on the floor. Let’s just play a song, Karl.”
-Xfm 06 April 2002

20 April 2002 (Xfm series 1)

“Karl has won!”
-Xfm 20 April 2002

04 May 2002 (Xfm series 1)

"Is he walking like an Egypt bloke?"
-Xfm 04 May 2002

"Is your husband afraid of them [spiders] as well?"
-Xfm 04 May 2002

07 September 2002 (Xfm series 2)

“I swear to God I went to the back of the room and just sang ‘Thumbelina, Thumbelina, tiny little thing/ Thumbelina dance, Thumbelina sing/ Thumbelina, what's the difference if you're very small?/ When your heart is full of love, you're six feet tall!’ I just did that. And they just looked at me like I was the weirdest freak they've ever had.”
-Xfm 07 September 2002

28 September 2002 (Xfm series 2)

“Mechant! Who are you call sad! At least my mother still don’t cut my hair!”
-Xfm 28 September 2002

“Get the Sony people on the phone. This is dynamite.”
-Xfm 28 September 2002

19 October 2002 (Xfm series 2)

“There's loads of people e-mailing in. It's not the competition it's this.. Children of the Corn! Widescreen DVD!”
-Xfm 19 October 2002

23 November 2002 (Xfm series 2)

“I didn't watch any TV this week. The only TV I watched was, erm, "Are You Good In Bed?"...I already knew the answer.”
-Xfm 23 November 2002

“Hang on! Let me remind you...wasn't there a bronze in the Sony awards??!”
-Xfm 23 November 2002

01 February 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“Email in if you know what on earth Karl is talking about.”
-Xfm 01 February 2003

“I meet people on the street, they go, 'I wish I was Ricky Gervais's mate'. No you don't. Let me put your mind at rest now, you're not missin' anything. Am I right, Karl?”
-Xfm 01 February 2003

“I forgot to bring in a Song For The Ladies this week so I thought I'd play a song for people who enjoy the work of Deep Purple!”
-Xfm 01 February 2003

22 March 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“Rick, I should tell you now, there's been a flood of -- oh, no there hasn't.”
-Xfm 22 March 2003

05 April 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“You always take it out on me! ... The truth of it is this, you know that Ricky Gervais is keeping you in burgers and grapes, metaphorically speaking.”
-Xfm 05 April 2003

“I actually felt that Ricky was out of order. He was discourteous, rude, aggressive, unpleasant - as one person e-mailed in, a dickhead. Someone else said you were fat and talentless.”
-Xfm 05 April 2003

26 April 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“We'd all agreed that Rockbusters was a piece of old toss!”
-Xfm 26 April 2003

“It's email only. We don't want to speak to these freaks.”
-Xfm 26 April 2003

01 November 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“Already a shambles!”
-Xfm 01 November 2003

“It's interesting though that you're passionate about fighting injustice, but you focus specifically on Karl at Xfm, one of the world's lesser crimes.”
-Xfm 01 November 2003

22 November 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“Whenever we get on to this conversation, I always think to myself, 'Karl, do you know what you look like.'”
-Xfm 22 November 2003

“Talking of arse, Rockbusters.”
-Xfm 22 November 2003

“Every time Karl opens his mouth, it's the equivalent of walking across one of those rickety bridges in Indiana Jones.”
-Xfm 22 November 2003

06 December 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“Why do I get the feeling that within 20 minutes we'll be talking about little gay Chinese monkeys.”
-Xfm 06 December 2003

“Rick, I'm about to say three little words to you, that I've never said to anyone before. Karl is right.”
-Xfm 06 December 2003

“I love you like a brother, but I get sick of you.”
-Xfm 06 December 2003

“Are you speaking German now?”
-Xfm 06 December 2003

13 December 2003 (Xfm series 2)

“Why do you talk like you're 60 years old! And you've been workin' down the mine!”
-Xfm 13 December 2003

"’Tolkien's a genius, you know he created his own language’ - Whoopee! Karl comes up with a new word every week!”
-Xfm 13 December 2003

18 June 2005 (Xfm series 4)

“Hang on, you've lost me there .. let me just check the script.”
-Xfm 18 June 2005

“Talking of monkeys working the sound desk…”
-Xfm [[18 June 2005

“Ladder 49, the movie that no one has seen…”
-Xfm 18 June 2005

31 October 2006 (The Podfather Trilogy)

“It annoys me when I come off the train [back to Bristol], and I'm not met there like The Beatles were when they came back from America.”
-The Podfather Part 1 - Halloween

13 November 2006 (Podcast – Bonus Disc)

“And God says ‘why have you got a doctor with a finger up your arse?’"
-Podcast - Bonus Disc

10 October 2007 (Fame Souvenir Program Podcast)

“Hold on, hold on, this is your fantasy film idea, you can have anyone you want in it and you choose a bloke that doesn't exist and a woman who hasn't been in a film or on TV for 10 years!”
-Fame Souvenir Program Podcast

(Regarding Karl's new book) “Have you just got this factually inaccurate - 'cause it's a load of old toss!”
-Fame Souvenir Program Podcast

09 June 2008 (NME Radio Show)

“Why aren't you having a go at Ricky for being fat and old.”
-NME Radio Show

“What I like is, you're a busy man Rick and I know you're involved in a lot of projects, how you found time, cos you don't like writing and doing any form of administration, to do a daily blog is quite remarkable.”
-NME Radio Show

“I am an adventurer by spirit, I'm sort of an Indiana Jones figure.”
-NME Radio Show