Podcast Series 1
These episodes were hosted by Positive Internet, and were available through Guardian Unlimited. There were 12 episodes in this series.
Episode One
Monday 5th December 2005
Length: 31:36
- "It's because I like to be in a room with Karl Pilkington. Karl Pilkington is an ongoing experiment for me." -Ricky explains the reason for doing these "Bodcasts", which he has renamed in honour of Karl.
- But all this talk of podcasts and bodcasts has Karl feeling sceptical of human progress, prompting him to question the value of iPods, planes, vaccinations and television. Karl then laments the downside of life-saving medicine: over-crowding. However Karl has a solution to control the population, instead of sex, men and women live to 78 and just as they die, a baby comes out to continue the race. "You have a little baby inside you and as you die your life carries on." (1:39)
- Karl gets confused about history. Ricky and Steve conclude it's because he's thinking of The Flintstones, due to his being convinced that dinosaurs and cavemen coexisted. (9:34)
- Monkey News: The story of a monkey astronaut who controlled a spaceship by taking commands via headphones, and pressing buttons in order to activate a “banana dispenser”. After the mission, the monkey wasn't allowed to go back into space and became depressed. The monkey eventually committed suicide. (13:38)
- Karl met Derek Acorah the other week and relays a ghost story about a cursed tankard that kills all who touches it. (19:50)
- Karl visits a friend who is house-sitting a dilapidated mansion. But when Karl visits, he finds that someone has “wroted” some strange notes. (24:59)
Quotes
Ricky: "Karl, you are living in a cartoon world".
(On having innoculations to travel abroad) - Karl: "There's a lot of faffin'." - Steve: "Is that a place, Alotofaffin?"
-Ricky: "I've never heard such drivel" -Karl: "You say that, but if Newton said it you'd go, 'Hmm, interesting!'"
Karl: "It said: 'Need nappies, dummy, blankets.' I turned it over and it said: 'None of this now needed, baby dead.'"
-Ricky: (to Karl) "But how does the monkey know what button to press??!!" -Karl: "Coz it´s got headphones on".
Episode Two
Monday 12th December 2005
Length: 32:40
- “Bong! Lion mutilates forty two midgets in Cambodian ring-fight”. Ricky, Steve and Karl discuss the story of the Cambodian Midget Fighting League who took on a lion and lost.
- Karl then remembers that he’s given money to a Cambodian charity, and gets worried that a charity is ripping him off again. This leads to a discussion about charities who aim to help the elderly, particularly with heating bills. Karl says that he was coerced into giving money and then mistakes the slightly darker shade of printing on the charity newsletter, for what he thinks is the pictured old lady with a tan. Ricky and Steve talk about persistent charity collectors, prompting Karl to ask why business men don’t employ the homeless because “they never have a lie in”. Karl then recollects a “mental homeless” who pushed a pram around the estate he lived on as a child, but the pram didn't carry a baby...
- Ricky and Steve speculate on the personality of Paul "The Party Animal" Parker, before reading the email he sent about a Serbian man who has invented a sex machine for women . But Karl isn’t impressed and mentions ‘the old knob-on-a-stick machine’ from Roman times. When Ricky and Steve question his knowledge of historic sex devices, Karl decides that the Serbian should recruit a ‘gay fella’ because he think they’re more adventurous –Karl knows this because he regularly passes a sex shop that sells butt plugs early in the morning.
- When Steve considers the motivation of the three males who founded America’s first nudist organisation, Karl thinks about Jonathan Ross’s penis. Karl thinks it’s natural for a man to look at another man’s winkle. Steve then confesses his jealously of the ugly old men at his local gym who have ‘massive piece of action’ between their legs.
- Monkey News: Karl reports on a group of monkeys who have learned the value of money. To test what they've learnt, the "science people" send the monkeys on a shopping trip. When the monkeys return most have spent their money unwisely, but thrifty chimp has got some bargains, particularly with some vegtables.
Quotes
Episode Three
Monday 19th December 2005
Length: 31:28
- "Fuck me!" Before the jingle, Steve tries to organise some opening lines but Karl gets confused leading to profanity.
- Steve tries his hand at Monkey News: "Chimp Mauling Under Investigation". After hearing about two escaped chimpanzees who mauled a man’s face and genitals Karl asks, "What happened to the two guilty monkeys?" and gets upset to find out they were shot dead. But soon concludes that they must have been bad in the first place if they were locked up.
- Ricky mentions Carol Thatcher eating a kangaroo's penis on the reality TV show, I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Karl thinks the task is extra hard because it had to be done at 7 O'clock in the morning and boldly claims "I could eat a knob at night".
- Monkey News: Once upon a time there was in a monkey sanctuary run by three humans, but things became complicated when one of the monkeys started groping an employee's tits. The employee didn’t like it, but the boss insisted she let the monkey have it's way. When the employee wouldn’t put out for the monkey, the boss sacked her and got a woman who would. The end.
- Ricky and Steve discuss angry kids with prostesting t-shirts, which leads to a talk on demonstrations.
Quotes
Episode Four
Monday 26th December 2005
Length: 36:20
- Steve talks about a friend giving a "good will" gift for Christmas, which was the gift of a goat to an African family. Karl comes to the conclusion that this is pointless, as no one involved in it would be happy:
"You've got a fella who hasn't got a present over here because their mate bought them a goat, right? So there's a tick, he's not happy. Then, you've got the person who's opened it, who, like you said, wanted something else. It's a goat, they go 'who's gonna look after this?'. So tick, they're not happy. And then you've got the goat, going: what am I doing here?"
- Steve mentions that Ricky forgot to buy him a present this year, and suggests that he should pool them over the next few years and buy him a trip into space. For £200,000, Ricky would rather have a individual jetpack than a trip into space, while Karl thinks a trip into space is yet another pointless idea, as you can't get out of the shuttle. He would prefer going to another planet with aliens on it.
- Karl talks about "the loneliest man ever in the world", then ponders whether he would walk around the shuttle with no clothes on, since no one else is around. Ricky wonders whether "it floats up or down". Steve suggests it depends on the length.
- Karl is asked to choose the superpower he would like most, but he decides he doesn't want one. He already has opposable thumbs, and superheros are never happy. For example, Superman wasn't happy because he couldn't tell his pen pal "Louis" who he really was. He would much rather have a voucher for a record shop.
- "Woah, woah, don't be chucking that out, you might need that later" - Karl Pilkington, 2005
- Paul ‘The Party Animal’ Parker sends another email, this time about the origins of the kiss at a wedding. It comes from "earliest times, when the couple would actually make love for the first time under the eyes of half the village". Ricky and Steve wonder what Sting's wedding was like, and whether the guests brought sleeping bags.
- Charity workers collecting for the homeless should give up the job, homeless people can collect the money for themselves. Karl is surprised at finding a homeless Chinese person, Ricky and Steve agree with him that they're rare. The hunt for Chinese homeless begins.
- Monkey news: Cher gets interviewed for Moscow TV by a chimp in a suit; viewing figures go through the roof.
Episode Five
Monday 2nd January 2006
Length: 40:42
- Karl talks about his disgust at "bum tubes" being used when he chose to have a facial.
- Steve talks about watching a TV show called "Tribes" and Karl tries to understand why they dont move to the City, and, for once, Ricky agrees. Karl decides that Bacteria has better lives than Inuits.
- Paul ‘The Party Animal’ Parker has been in touch again, and tells of a headline, which sparks an interesting conversation about a Doctor riding a unicycle.
- Karl asks a Russian antique dealer stupid questions. And then gets annoyed because someone in Russia 'gives up' on City Life, and gets a 'Plaque'
- Karl believes a story that Armed Dolphins are 'swimming around' with rifles strapped to their backs, ready for war.
- Ricky and Steve present the #1 Dance remix to 'Knob At Night'
Monkey News - Ollie the chimp goes home with the zookeeper..
Episode Six
Monday 9th January 2006
Length: 32:30
- They discuss Chinese Homeless people,Which moves on to Karl talking about Steve's 'different'looks
- Karl is asked which of his 'freaks' would he rather spend a day with. It would depend on what he was doing that day, for if we was "going out and about, the pillow man, be a bit of a drag"
- Karl is asked what meal he would eat for the rest of his life if he had to, which prompts him to discuss the amount of choice there is nowadays in toffee shops.
- Karl misunderstands some metaphors such as 'a stitch in time saves nine' and 'people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones'. He comes up with his own interpretations, 'if you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about' or 'if you live in a glass house, you have to answer the door'
- Ricky brings the topic of conversation back to Karl's head.
The only time I wanted a wig was when I did jury duty once and it was annoying that I was sat on the jury right in front of these criminals. Everyone else has got disguises the judges have got them wigs on
- Karl learns that octopuses can use 6 of their legs to disguise themselves as a stone and use the other 2 to swim away. Ricky points out that he's thinking of squiddly diddly.
- Karl would rather be a mistreated chicken than a well looked after chicken, reasoning that killing a chicken with a 'rubbish life' would be kinder.
- Monkey News
Firemen in New York use a monkey from the local zoo to save the lives of some people trapped in a tall building
Episode Seven
Monday 16th January 2006
Length: 30:52
- Karl does a experiment of washing up without using his thumbs
- Karl looks out his apartment window and see a naked woman,she sees him, so Karl drops his pants and shows abit of his arse to her
- Karl says if he could be anyone in the world he would want to be Bruce Willis
- Karl talks about his day out to the cobblers
- Karl talks about that his dream job would be a paper round and walk dogs at the same time
- Karl tells Ricky how Plato died (hit on the head by a egg)
- Steve and Ricky explain what "a Stich in time saves nine" means
- Karl complains about testicular cancer
- Monkey news - Theres a monkey that goes from building to building just building.
Episode Eight
Monday 23rd January 2006
Length: 33:54
- Introduces 'The Diary Of Karl Pilkington' which was started during his holiday in Gran Canaria. Karl writes down his thoughts in a huge desk diary which according to Ricky is "about a foot long".
- Karl wants to invent a watch that can predict your own death, but as usual there is no research to suggest this is even remotely possible - "just pop it on your wrist".
- Karl remarks that among the guests in his hotel there are the most cross eyed people he has ever seen in one place, and the after-dinner entertainment consists of "watching the local cat lick it's bollocks".
- Karl compares the reasoning of his holiday to the moon landing, claiming "you have to find out for yourself" what a place is like, rather than asking a travel agent.
- Karl's diary: Karl considers whether "people think in their accent" or not, prompting Ricky to attempt to explain the human consciousness to Karl.
- Something interesting of note in this episode is that Ricky, Steve and Karl all seem to have forgotton an old XFM show where Karl had previously already explained his "dad's mates'" nicknames. 'In the show Karl mentioned that he found "Jimmy the Hat" an odd nickname considering he had never seen him in a hat, despite only seeing him once or twice. Ricky and Steve made light of this, suggesting that perhaps the nickname was an ironic one.
Years later Karl has rather bizarrely (and hilariously), taken this joke and confused it with his own memories, insisting that he was indeed called "Jimmy the Hat" because he never wore a hat.
Karl: "And... Jimmy the Hat, who..."
Steve: "Jimmy the Hat"?
Karl: "Yeah."
Steve: "And did he always wear a hat?"
Karl: "No he didn't, that, that was the point there. That he never wore a hat."
Ricky: "That's amazing!"
Steve: "Brilliant."
Ricky: "How can you pick up on someone never wearing a hat!?"
It is uncertain whether Ricky, Steve or Karl are aware of this mix-up, but it certainly wouldn't be the first time Karl has recollected misinformation and replaced facts and events with conjecture.
Monkey News - Chimps at the winter olympics...
Also Steve describes an email from the people at Positive Internet, saying that the podcast may make it to the Guinness Book of World Records. This leads to a discussion of weird world records, such as running around with a milk bottle on your head, or the biggest Josstick disaster.
Episode Nine
Monday 30th January 2006
Length: 30:54
Ricky and Steve lament that they didn't charge for the podcasts in light of the huge numbers of downloads. Ricky thinks that people e-mailing pictures of Karl's round head to him is a waste of the internet's capabilities.
Question for Karl - Who, Ricky and Steve, would Karl choose to rescue if he could only save one of their lives? Karl weighs up the pros and cons of each option (musing on an argument he had with Steve regarding change from a shared lunch). Karl cannot make up his mind.
Karl's Diary - Restaurant visit, Karl describes Steve's octopus dish. Karl's rule of thumb is that he only eats things that look nice while they are alive.
Monkey News - What do you do when all airplane pilots in the world go on strike ?
Episode Ten
Monday 6th February 2006
Length: 32:40
Show begins with Ricky suggesting the podcast being renamed the Karl Pilkington show. Followed by Karl's theory on marriage; you should meet other people with the same surname as you. "Do a search on like... other Pilkington's. If they look alright, yeah, I’ll go out with her. Job done. Don't ever have to worry about getting married n that"
Questions for Karl. If you could talk to any animal, which would it be and why? Karl chooses the tortoise because "They'd've loads a stories". If you had a time machine, to what event in your childhood would you travel back to and why? (After a lot of consternation) "Right, here ya are. I nearly died once, didn't I. On a aah, on an ice pop. Right now maybe if I would've died I'd say well let's gets go back to that and I won't have an ice pop (Followed by a lot of consternation)".
Steve then informs us of the growing trend of wearing adult diapers on trains in China. This sparks Karl's childhood reminisces on the subject. "Me mam knew that I didn't like nappies n that. I used to go, just in the corner, just near the kitchen. In this thing, like a litter tray". Karl then reveals to us his knowledge of Chinese inventions being the cat mop and "hats with umbrellas on em".
Karl's Diary; "Went and did the podcast. We had a meeting after. I don't like meetings as I can't keep focused on what people are talking about. I think Ricky has the same problem as after 25 minutes he was trying to wrestle me. I tried to do what spiders do and stayed still as if I was dead. But Ricky just stayed on top of me, not moving. A bit like when you see one of those big snakes swallowing a sheep. Ricky got bored and released me. I went home thinking why had I left me old job for this. A homeless man asked me fo some money but I didn't feel like I should treat him as I felt that he'd probably had a better day than me.
Suzanne called me to say she'd gone for a haircut and that she'd meet me in the supermarket. I went to to the supermarket but she wasn't there. I called her and she said she was near the fruit aisle. I went to the fruit aisle and she wasn't there. Turns out she was in a different supermarket on the other side of town and that if Id've listened to her properly Id've known that. I didn't want to say that I hadn't heard her properly coz my ears were ringing a bit from the wrestling from earlier. 25 minutes later I met up with Suzanne. Her haircut wasn't that bad. Normally her haircut's are followed by an argument between us as she pays over the odds for some daft haircut that’s the latest style. I wish she'd take in a picture out of a magazine or ask for a style rather than letting the hairdresser do what she wants. I said I only tell her to do this, as she's got a square head and a close cut hairdoo makes it look squarer. She said what do you think of this cut. I said it looked alright as I couldn't be bothered arguing about it.
It's weird writing a diary. I don't know who thought of doing one of these first. The last time I did one was at school. They used to get you to do it so they could keep an eye on whatever you were up to. My diary used to say the same thing every night. Got home, went to the shop to get potatoes, bread, milk. Went home, watched telly, went to bed. I think I might've gone to Twiggy's dance club just so I had something different to write (Karl then tells us about going to Twiggy's, his interest in robotics, body poppin n that, and that Twiggy's was closed due to a toilet paper roll delivery). As there were more problems happening on the estate they started to add Saturday’s and Sunday’s to the school diary to keep an eye on what we were doing at the weekend. I struggled to fill it on a Sunday as the shop I got potatoes and bread from was shut on a Sunday.
I had to go over to Shepherds Bush to meet someone. There was a badly burnt man on the Tube. It's amazing how the body can continue through quite a lot of bad stuff. It got me thinking about how much you could remove in your body, one by one, without dying. If it was a competition, the cockroach would win as it can live for a week without a head.
Got some post delivered to me today. It was addressed to Mr. Dilkington. I opened it and the first sentence read 'Dear Mr. K. Dilkington, You are one of our most valuable customers'. I put it in the bin.
Thought I would learn some new words as Steve always says I don't use enough different words. I read in the Fortean Times that the word "wewe" means; an ugly female ghost with drooping breasts. I think I’m right when I say there are too many words in the world. I don't think I will get round to using the word wewe. Watched a health program. Wasn't watching it properly but heard some doctor say that we only get so many heart beats in a life time so don't do too much exercise. I told Suzanne and she said that I probably hadn't heard it right. We got talking about death. Suzanne said she didn't like thinking about it. I said she might end up being a wewe. I was chuffed, as I'd managed to use my new word.
I went to the supermarket to get tonight’s tea. On the way I stopped and looked in the fishmongers at all the different fish they had in the window. There was a newspaper clipping stuck on the glass about a two headed fish that they've made in Taiwan. I don't see the point in doing this as a fish with two heads ain't going to solve the worlds hunger problems as the head is the bit you throw away. Invent a fish with two bodies and I'd say well done.
Suzanne watched one of her favourite T.V programmes. I've told her that the telly only goes on if there's something she wants to watch. If there's nothing on she has to talk to me about stuff I’ve learnt. Like Descartes. Watched a program on him the other day. He is the one who said something like I know I'm about coz I dream. Doesn't work for everything coz ants don't sleep. I don't know if I’d like that or not.
Monkey news: another ingenuous account involving a simian riding an equine on race day to appease a gangsters wrath.
Episode Eleven
Monday 13th February 2006
Length: 33:22
Ricky informs Karl on his new found international celebrity status. And that he is now a "Global Village Idiot". Karl asks why people in India are worried about it when "they are hungry and it's dusty" Karl talks about what he would change in schools and that they should askng Philosophical questions "to freak them out a bit" and then claims that there is a dishwasher on Mars. Ignoring the logic of Ricky and Steve he rambles on and suggests dinosaurs should be introduced to keep population in check.
Reminises about fight over a girl at age of seven and chipping a boy's tooth on sink.
Karl asks if we would have wings if the plane hadn't been invented this conversation evolves to him asking what year it would be if we changed planet and that we should not change the hours and when told scientifically possible claims he's "never worried about it like this". Before claiming Sloths need to stop being so lazy. In his diary Karl explores the different forms of Doppleganger "some time thing" and asks why Ducks don't use their wings much.
In Monkey News describes how a man with bad eyes who can't afford surgery misreads "Chimp Doctors" in a paper as "Cheap Doctors" and has his surgery peformed by a chimp despite the fact they have no opposable thumbs.
Episode Twelve
Monday 20th February 2006
Length: 32:04
- The discussion of the podcasts in the Guinness World Records Book leads to a discussion about Karl's head
- Karl tells the story of how he met his girlfriend
- Karl ponders about the possibilities of being trapped inside the body of various animals
- Monkey news about Enos the chimponaut