12 April 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 12 April 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

There Are Rules In Place

Ricky: Placebo, “The Bitter End.” That’s the first single we’ve lifted from their forthcoming album, “Sleeping With Ghosts,” which you can hear in full on the Xfm online listening posts. I’m Ricky “The Cheeky Little Devil” Gervais. With me, Steve “Alright Ladies, What Can I Get You to Drink? What, You Think I’m Made of Money? I Meant Half a Mild Or Summat” Merchant and Karl “Oh, I’m Stressed, I’m Stressed. If It’s Too Hard I Don’t Want to Do It” Pilkington.

Steve: (chuckling) Indeed. Oh, well. It’s nice to be back, Rick.

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: Um--

Ricky: Mm.

Steve: Rick, I heard a rumour that you weren’t going to be playing great music today. I’m assuming that’s wrong!

Ricky: It is wrong. This is what I mean about the-the-the gr- the grapevine--

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: And just Chinese whispers. I-I’m not having it. There’s some great music coming up.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: So--

Steve: I also heard that there was going to be, uh, some boring chat.

Ricky stammers

Steve: Sorry, is that--

Ricky: Well, I want, I want names!

Steve: (laughing) I mean, I don’t want to name names, Rick--

Ricky: And addresses!

Steve: But that’s the gossip I heard.

Ricky: Well, it’s totally wrong.

Steve: I heard that it’s going to be inane, ill-thought out.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Often stupid.

Ricky: No, we’re- it- Karl’s not going to talk so much this week. We’re going to try and, sort of, uh, bring, you know, bring it back to-to real radio. So that’s an absolute lie.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. Great, great, great, great, great, great, great.

Ricky: Great.

Steve: Good, so--

Ricky: Alright Karl, had a good week?

Karl: Yeah, not bad.

Ricky: Have ya?

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: Going on holiday now, aren’t ya?

Karl: Well, I will be doing later. Tell ya about that later on.

Steve: What, um--

Ricky: There’s a hook.

Steve laughs

Steve: Can I just check, cause there are rules in place, aren’t there?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: There was a big, there was a big bust-up in the week.

Ricky: Oh, I’m not, I-I’m only allowed to wind him up on-air. I’m not allowed to wind him up socially now. I’m not allowed to- What am I not allowed to do? Socially?

Karl: Um, I think squeezing the head.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Uh, socially.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Has been crossed off.

Ricky: Right, okay and I agreed to that cause it got to a head where, you know, Karl was really upset and he was thinking of just, uh, giving it, giving it all in, weren’t ya?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. What- why was that?

Karl: Cause it was just winding me up too much.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I mean, do you want to bring it all up again?

Ricky: (laughing) I don’t mind. What was I doing?

Karl: It was, it was just--

Steve: I mean, I should say now that there was a conversation where it was all, we were all, sort of, really walking on eggshells.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It was, it was frosty. It was a conference call and Karl was on one end and I’ll tell you--

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: At one point--

Steve: I was very much a media- I was very much a U.N. mediator.

Ricky: What do you think of that, Karl?

Karl: It was difficult to, sort of, keep it serious when I’m saying stuff like, “I’m sick of you putting a Burger King bag on me head.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: You know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: There’s a part of me that’s, like, “I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

Ricky continues to laugh

Karl: But it’s--

Ricky: I li- What I like about it is that, um, I’m laughing and going, “Well, uh, I won’t do that anymore” and he’s going, “You can still do it on air” and it- like today I was going to- I came in, I wanted to squeeze his head. He went, “At one o’clock.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I love those rules! I love those rules!

Steve: Well, between the hours of one and three on a Saturday you can squeeze his head, you can put a Burger King bag on his--

Ricky: (laughing) But I can’t wait! It’s terrible. Oh, dear.

Karl: But it all started last week, as well, really, because I got in a bit early to do an edit for you on some track that had swearing in it, right? So I get in early, he comes in, first thing he does is go to sort of squeeze my head.

Ricky laughs

Karl: And my reaction was, “Not now, do it later!” As if it’s alright to do it later.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: So, that’s-that’s kind of what made me think, “This isn’t normal.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: We should just point out when you- when we say “squeezing your head,” what exactly does that mean?

Ricky: I-I-I put my hand on the front- I do two experiments, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: One is the side cause I- you can crush an egg sideways so I think that’s more dangerous.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And I squeeze- I actually put me elbows out and I press like a vice and I really go for it until it really hurts. And the front one is- it shouldn’t hurt as much if I’m- if my experiment’s right. I don’t know.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: I mean--

Karl: Well, it was all this that, sort of, you know, built up.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Um--

Steve: And the research that you’re doing there, Rick, is that going to be available online at some point?

Ricky sniggers and giggles

Karl: That-that was the problem. That’s what I was saying to him because it kind of started last week, uh--

Steve: Well, it’s been going on since we’ve known you, hasn’t it, Rick?

Karl: Yeah, but it’s--

Ricky: I’ve just upped it. I’ve just upped it last week.

Karl: It got out of hand a bit.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: I upped it to when I, um- I think it got to, uh, a head on, um, Thursday when I filmed it.

Steve: (chuckling) That was it, yeah.

Karl: That’s right, yeah.

Ricky: I brought in a cameraman to film me torturing him. And there was people from the sixth floor being shown around?

Karl: Yeah, some management an’ that.

Ricky quietly giggles

Karl: Showing probably clients around.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: You know, sort of- they’ve probably been on all the different floors, seeing what all the different radio stations do.

Steve: They’ve seen Dr. Fox.

Karl: Uh, “This-this is Xfm, the sort of alter-” “Aughhh!”

Ricky laughs

Karl: This sort of noise going on.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: You see ‘em all look down. I’m saying, “Don’t do that,” right?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah, sure.

Karl: Cause they might, they might want to spend a load of money.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: So just- and he’s-he’s doing that. He’s wrestling with me. He’s filming it. So that’s when I just thought, you know--

Ricky: Mad, innit?

Karl: And then when-when we’re having the argument on the phone, I was saying, you know, “Has this been some sort of experiment?”

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Ricky: He did! He said that and of course I lost it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But, uh, it’s all, it’s all good now, innit?

Steve: But do you want to squeeze his head before we play the next--

Ricky: I won’t at the moment because, I mean, we’ve got to get on. It’s not, it’s not right. And that annoyed me, as well. Um, cause I was, um, trying to find out where he was going. I was filming him, I was going, “I’m waiting for Karl. Told Johnny he’s meeting a mate at six, so which annoys me on two counts." I’m just looking into the camera. "Um, you know, so I’m gonna, I’m gonna follow him and just turn up and go, ‘Alright? Where’ve ya been?’” But then when I came in he went, “Oh, I’m meeting a mate” and he told me where it was, so I told him that spoils my fun.

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: I wa--

Steve: Cause you don’t- you’d want to just track him down and--

Ricky: Yeah. I don’t want, I don’t want him to like it.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Which is so- it’s sort of taken- pull the rug under my carpet now that he’s going to let me- you know what I mean? It’s just--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It’s a little bit annoying.

Karl: It’s that thing, though, you see- this happened years ago to me, right? When, you know, you get pally with someone--

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: And then you wind each other up--

Ricky: Mmhmm.

Karl: And then there comes a time--

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: When you just go over the line.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: What happened?

Karl: Well, it was this lad called Antony, right? He was me mate.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And, uh, we used to, sort of, always have a, have a little fight in the toilet an’ that. Right?

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: Um, punch each other--

Ricky: “No, I want to wipe it!”

Karl: And the, and the punches, you know, used to get harder.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: An’ stuff. And then, you know, so he-he hit me harder. Turned out into a proper fight.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I chipped his tooth on the sink. Right?

Ricky: Right.

Karl: This happened at school and it was time for assembly and I thought, “Ohh” and he-he’s in the toilet crying. I thought, “Ohh.” Go to assembly. Uh, there’s a- there’s police in there, in the assembly that day telling people about unnecessary violence.

Ricky: And you thought they were there for you.

Karl: So I’m like, “Ohh, no! Antony‘s going to come in in a minute, like, crying with all blood coming from his mouth. I’m gonna get arrested.”

Ricky: (chuckling) Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uh--

Ricky: Did you go running asleep?

Karl: And that-that was an example--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Of- I mean, it kind of happened because…I went out with…a girl who he fancied.

Ricky: And how old- how- how old were you, how old were you now?

Karl: Uh, about eight or nine.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: I think that’s out of order, going out with a mate’s girl.

Karl: Yeah, but it- she didn’t like him. He had, like, big ears an’ that. He had no chance--

Steve: Yeah, cause you’re such a dish.

Karl: No, but do you know what I mean? Alright, I haven’t got the looks like I used to.

Steve: Sure, when you were eight.

Karl: But that--

Ricky: Were you--

Karl: That’s before the stress of, you know, having heads squozed an’ that sort of thing.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: I have aged a lot since--

Ricky: Have you aged?

Steve: Having your head squozed--

Ricky: I love your own grammar.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I lo- yeah.

Steve: Is that- that’s the past tense, is it? Squeeze or to have squozed.

Ricky: “Oh, he did squoze his head.”

Steve: (laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, brilliant.

Karl: So, you know, it’s just--

Ricky: What about a bit of Bowie? Let’s, uh--

Karl: Bit of Bowie?

Ricky: “Be My Wife.” Karl, I’m asking you.

Steve: I think we can squoze that in.

Ricky: B-be my wife, Karl. C’mon on.

Song: David Bowie- Be My Wife

Her ID Wouldn't Look Right

Ricky: Will you, uh, miss me on holiday?

Karl: No.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: No!

Ricky: Wha- He’s joking, I assume, Steve.

Steve: Well, I don’t know. I think--

Ricky: Can you tell- I can’t tell whether he’s serious or not. What do you mean, “no”?

Karl: No. D-definitely not. I mean, I might- when I get back, I’ll go, “Oh. Let‘s have a quick chat,” but I’m not gonna be sat there going, “Oh, I wish I was back in London for Ricky to, you know.”

Ricky: "Have squozed my head."

Karl: We’ve sorted the head problem out.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Nah, I still won’t.

Ricky: No? Okay, well that’s…that’s a little upsetting. I was, uh, with Karl in the week, uh, I think it was Tuesday or Wednesday. And, uh, was it last week- there was a program on about the child who was older than her mum.

Steve: The child that was older than her mum?

Ricky: Yeah, right, which was- he was looking forward to it as much as Oliver The, uh--

Steve: The Humanzee.

Ricky: The Humanzee, yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And, uh, I didn’t see it in the end. Did you miss it as well?

Karl: I missed it--

Ricky: And, uh, is- what it is is this, uh, little girl and she’s got an aging thing so- he was telling me about this, this was all from him. He went, “And what it is, right, she’s about five, right, but she’s aged so she’s actually ninety.”

Steve: (chuckling) Right.

Ricky: Right? And I went, “Oh, God. Really?” He went, “Yeah.” And then he went, “Could she get served in an off-license?”

Steve laughs

Ricky: I went, “No.” He went, “Well, that’s not fair.” I went, “What do you mean?” He went, “Well…” I said, “She’s five years old! She’s a five-year old girl.” He went, “Yeah, but she’s got the fody- body of a ninety-year old, so… Oh, God. Let her have a fag!”

Steve laughs

Karl: Wouldn't you let her have one if she--

Ricky laughs

Steve: If she asked?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Uh--

Karl: If you worked at an off-license and she wandered in, alright, and, uh--

Ricky sniggers

Ricky: So she’s two-foot six…

Karl: Well, I don’t know cause I haven’t seen it. I don’t know that much about--

Ricky: Yeah. She’s a five-year old. It’s just an aging process, which is a degeneration of the-the cells like what aging is. There- it’s- it doesn’t mean she grew into a ninety-year old woman with a scarf.

Steve: (laughing) No,exactly.

Ricky: Going ‘round the streets. What did you imagine it looked like?

Karl: I don’t know. I mean, it- she’s aging fast, yeah?

Ricky: Yes, but it’s a- it’s more to do- it’s not- yes. Yeah.

Karl: Cause it was saying that her mam and dad are pretty stressed out about it and I kinda thought, “Well…you’d be forever buying birthday presents.”

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: It’s not like she’s morphing through various ages, like, “Look, look! She’s fifty-eight today. Fifty-nine! We can’t keep up.”

Ricky laughs

Karl: Well, what- how’s--

Steve: It’s not that! It’s not like she’s going--

Steve laughs

Ricky: It’s- it-it-it has-has the same effect as aging on the body. So, uh-uh-uh-uh, a cellular level. There’s a degeneration as quick as if she’d gone through- I don’t know. I- I got this from you! I’m guessing, Karl!

Steve: It’s not like she’s watching “Top of the Pops” one week and she’s loving it, then the next week she’s going, “I can’t understand what they’re saying.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: She’s not, like--

Ricky: “Look at them dance! I remember- I- God, I remember when I was four. Now there are real bands.”

Steve: “S Club 7 were excellent!”

Ricky: (chuckling) Yeah.

Steve: “But what’s this tripe, S Club?”

Karl: But-but if she wants a fag…

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: She’s five years old, Karl!

Karl: But she’s got to experience everything in a short spell of time, d’ya know what I mean?

Steve: Mm.

Karl: You’ve got time to, sort of--

Steve: I think you’re thinking of her life like that Fat Boy Slim video where it starts off as something crawling out of the sea and then it evolves really quickly over three minutes. I mean, that’s not the case, Karl. Her mind isn’t- she isn’t aging m- in her mind at the same time.

Ricky: No, she’s--

Steve: She’s not living a life, a whole life, in like, you know, three weeks. It’s just her body is-is degenerating quicker than it should.

Karl: So-so if you worked in Oddbins, you wouldn’t serve her with a bottle of wine.

Steve: No, I probably wouldn’t.

Karl: Well.

Ricky giggles

Steve: Unless she had some I.D.

Ricky: That probably would have been cruel, wouldn’t it? That’s alri- I-I- That on top of all her other problems. He wouldn’t even give her a glass of--

Steve: (chuckling) Yeah. A bottle of wine.

Karl: And her I.D. wouldn’t look right cause she’s aging all the time.

Ricky laughs

Karl: The photo would never match.

Steve: Yeah. “Look at my hair there.”

Ricky: Ohh.

Steve: “That was last week.”

Ricky: “While it was 2002.”

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Karl: We don’t know enough about it, so.

Ricky: No, I haven’t seen it, so, uh, yeah. Maybe we should apologize cause that can sound callous and cruel cause I don’t know what, I don’t know what the whole--

Karl: It was just the title.

Ricky: The vibe of the- Yeah, I know the title that excited you.

Karl: Something like, “I'm Older Than Me Mam.”

Steve laughs

Ricky: No, the- it was “The Child That’s Older Than Her Mother.”

Karl: Oh. Well.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So that’s- that was weird. There’s some good stuff on in the week that I missed--

Steve: You missed that one, did you? Didn’t watch that.

Karl: Didn’t see that. Saw, um--

Ricky: Maybe someone will have it on video for ya.

Karl: Yeah, if you taped it and, you know, send it in.

Steve: Watch it on fast forward. She’d really age then.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve: Imagine that! Woah!

Karl: Well, we’ve got some weird stuff to talk about, though.

Ricky: What?

Karl: Coming up later.

Ricky: What?

Karl: Derren Brown.

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Steve: That was interesting.

Ricky: I love the fact that the trou- we’ve just talked about him asking me nicely not to squeeze his head when people are around and a girl who ages so quickly she should be served in Oddbins and he goes, “But we’ve got some weird stuff coming up.”

Steve laughs

Steve: That’s Karl’s world.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: The- yeah.

Ricky laughs

Song: Turin Brakes- Painkiller

Collective Age of 300

Ricky: That’s our song, innit, Karl? “Leave all this misery behind.” Innit? Turin Brakes. “Painkiller.”

Ricky gasps

Ricky: That’s what we could do. I could, sort of, give you a little local anaesthetic and squeeze your head and see how far it would go before--

Karl: Let’s start that when I get back off holiday.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Ah! Oh, dear.

Steve: Rick, I was watching Music Television this morning just before I came out.

Ricky: I love it, I love it.

Steve: I kind of agree with Wyclef Jean.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That just because, uh, she dances loco, it don’t make her a hoe, no.

Ricky: No.

Steve: But I can’t help but feel she’s not helping her case. I mean, she’s there every night, basically, getting there for the lads.

Ricky: I know.

Steve: For money.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I mean, I don’t mean that she’s a hoe or a whore--

Ricky: No, no, no.

Steve: Per say, but I can’t help but think if you, if you think people are slagging you off, calling you a whore, get a different job, cause I’ll tell you this; you like the money.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: She likes to che- she likes the easy money.

Ricky: I-I-I-I’ll say this; if… well, basically, exposing and, um, sort of, uh, wobbling ‘round, uh, you minge, tits and ass doesn’t make you a hoe, what does?

Steve: I don’t know what does.

Ricky: Karl’s head just went down there, just went down. He doesn’t like this sort of filth, do ya?

Steve: Oh, he-he’s thinking about Maxine.

Ricky: Who’s Maxine?

Steve: That’s her name. “Put on your red shoes, Maxine.”

Ricky: Oh, is it?

Steve: Yeah. It’s a moving song.

Ricky: What’s the horse about at the end?

Steve: Horse. I’ve never understood that. Never understood that. Is Wyclef doing alright? Is he- I’m always concerned about The Fugees cause I heard L-Lauren Hill’s not- her new album’s apparently not very good. Nas, or whatever his name is, I don’t know what’s happened to him. He’s just been off the face of the Earth.

Ricky: Got a soft spot for him for ‘em all. I think he hopped up too much. I think he was a bit ubiquitous, uh, jumping up on everyone’s- you know, he’s a funny bloke, as well.

Steve: Wyclef?

Ricky: He’s lovely.

Steve: He’s a good guy. Good luck to all The Fugees if they’re listening.

Ricky: Good-good luck to, uh, all the, all the lads from The Fugees.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Um--

Steve: Any other bands you’re concerned about?

Ricky: Hepburn! What the hell- what has gone wrong with Hepburn!?

Steve: Oh, it does make me worry. It does make me worry.

Karl: Well, uh… do you want to do some, uh…give some stuff away?

Ricky giggles

Steve: Uh, I suppose so, Karl. We could, yeah.

Karl: Yeah? Set it up, set it rolling.

Steve: What is it? What-what- which of your many competitions is this?

Karl: Uh, Songs of Phrase.

Ricky: Talking of competitions, I remember last week there had been an argument that, um, Karl kicked Steve off the team because he was getting a little bit uppity and trying to take it over.

Karl: This is pub quiz, innit?

Ricky: Pub quiz, yeah, but then, uh, you let him back in, didn’t ya?

Karl: Well, he was alright. He came to me afterwards and said, you know, “You’re not going to kick me off, are ya?”

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I said, “Well, yeah.”

Ricky: He came back, sort of, I suppose, begging. He, sort of- was it embarrassing or-?

Karl: Well, no. It’s just, you know, he-he-he--

Ricky: He learned his lesson.

Karl: He realized he o-overstepped the mark, like you have this week.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: D’ya know what I mean? We’ve all learnt our lesson.

Ricky: Yeah, we’ve all learned our lesson. But I won the quiz, didn’t I, and you didn’t.

Karl: Well, that doesn’t matter.

Ricky: No.

Karl: The thing is, right--

Ricky: But I won all the money, didn’t I?

Steve: Please bear in mind who’s taken part of the counts, Rick.

Ricky: Yeah, sure. But I wasn’t winding you up in the quiz, though, was I?

Karl: And your- all your team was older.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Well, what’s that got to do with it? I’ve learned my--

Steve: You’ve got a collective age, your team, of about three hundred.

Ricky: No, one-one of ‘em is only--

Karl: The thing--

Ricky: One of ‘em is actually five, but she just, she’s just aged a lot.

Karl: I think when I took the eleven plus, we were all around the same age.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: That’s what I mean.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right? Your team was a lot older. What was our average age, would you say?

Steve: Average age probably, um, thirty.

Karl: Right.

Steve: Yours, at least forty-one.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Definitely.

Ricky: No!

Steve: Definitely!

Ricky: Only two of us were forty and one- three were 'bout thirty.

Steve: No, rubbish!

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Who’s thirty?

Ricky: Martin! Glyn. Oh, Gl-Glyyn’s about thirty-six--

Steve: Glyn’s- naaaaaah.

Ricky: Yeah, but they’re- but--

Karl: It all helps, dunnit?

Steve: And--

Ricky: Yeah. Helps, helps, helps.

Steve: And you’ve all got--

Ricky: (unintelligible) under thirty.

Steve: And you’ve got a better general knowledge.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were cheating!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: We knew more!

Steve: You just knew more stuff.

Ricky: Yeah. That’s not allowed, is it?

Karl: Prop-proper quiz time--

Ricky: I wasn’t winding you up, though, when I won. I wasn’t gloating or anything, was I?

Karl: No, not at all, when you kept, sort of, counting it in front of me and--

Ricky laughs

Steve: Like he hasn’t got enough cash already, Karl.

Karl: How much was it?

Ricky: Ohh--

Karl: How much was the prize?

Ricky: I-I can’t say. It would be gauche. Right.

Steve: Is that tax-free, that money?

Ricky: Eh…

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Yes, of compe- it’s a, uh, prize, innit?

Steve: Is that true, though? Is that how it works?

Ricky: I think so. Prize money, isn’t it? I don’t know.

Steve: Well, otherwise-otherwise, I assume you’ll be declaring that.

Ricky: Yeah, I will, yeah.

Steve: Yeah, you’ll be paying tax on that.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: Cause you know where people- I mean, the tax man could contact you via Xfm any time just to check that if you wanted to.

Ricky: Sure, sure.

Steve: Sure. Um, okay, prizes to give away this week. You’ve, uh, excelled yourself again. We’ve got, once again, “Scotland Rocks!” The very best of Scottish music. Texas, Deacon Blue--

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: And, uh, Gerry Rafferty.

Ricky: The Proclaimers on there or not?

Steve: Proclaimers. Don’t worry, Del Amitri on there. Don’t worry.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sweet.

Steve: Don’t worry.

Ricky: Is Bis on there? Is Bis on there?

Steve: I’m just checking to see if Midge Ure and Hugh and Cry--

Ricky and Steve talk over each other

Ricky: I don’t know.

Steve: Uh, The Rezillos, as well.

Ricky: Ohh, brilliant. Brilliant. That is brilliant.

Steve: That’s brilliant, so look forward to that.

Ricky: Is Lulu on there or not? Is she on there--

Steve: I can’t see her on there, actually.

Ricky: Or is she not on there?

Steve: But, uh--

Ricky: The Wets! Are The Wets on there? Are The Wets, or not? Are The Wets on there?

Steve: Fairground Attraction. Per--

Ricky: Brilliant. Brilliant.

Steve: That’s on there, so, uh--

Ricky: Is Wee Hooty McTwo on there and his, uh, his jamboree?

Steve laughs

Steve: Uh, what’s this? This is another arbitrary compilation, uh--

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Called “Strange and Beautiful--”

Ricky: Brilliant!

Steve: “The X List” album, which is quite good--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: The new album by The White Stripes, uh, the DVD, “Walking with Cavemen,” that TV show that’s on. On VHS, uh, it’s still got the price on there. On VHS, in case you haven’t seen it, uh, “Fight Club,” and the best-selling book from Michael Moore, “Stupid White Men.” So actually some quite good prizes there, Karl. Not bad.

Ricky: Alright, Karl. What’s this, what’s this competition?

Karl: Right, Songs of Phrase. It’s where I, uh, get a line that, sort of, is said a lot on this show or has been said quite a lot on the show.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh--

Ricky: Is this one, “Stop squeezing me head”?

Karl: No. Oh, I could have done that.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Eh. Um, but what we’re doing is, um, “Me fave-" uh, “The Elephant Man’s me favourite film.”

Ricky: Is that the phrase?

Karl: Yeah. That’s the phrase that we’re looking at today.

Steve: “The Elephant Man’s me favourite film”?

Ricky: It is, as well.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It’s his favourite film.

Steve: I know, I know.

Ricky: Why is that again? Says it’s funny and sad, and it-it s- you know exactly what you’re going to get.

Steve: Yeah. They promise you an elephant man; it’s exactly what you get.

Ricky: (chuckling) Yeah.

Karl: And it’s got- have you seen it, Steve?

Steve: I have seen it, yeah.

Karl: It is good, innit?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: Um--

Steve: Do you remember at the beginning of “The Elephant Man”?

Ricky: Think of that! Having that as your favourite film, of all the hundreds of amazing fil- I mean, the- I-I mean--

Steve: I mean, it’s a good film--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And it’s a moving film--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: But I can’t imagine a film I would watch endlessly, again and again.

Ricky: I don’t care about a bloke with a…elephant’s head.

Karl: I watched a little bit of it again the other night. It’s one of them that, you know, just, sort of, reminds ya--

Ricky: You know what annoys me? When he goes, “I am not an animal.”

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: He is.

Steve: Well, I mean, he speaks like one.

Ricky quietly chuckles

Karl: And what does an el--

Ricky: And he’s got, got a funny head.

Steve: And he looks like one.

Ricky: (chuckling) Yeah, yeah.

Karl: But it was a bit unfair because they never let him look in a mirror because he’s a bit odd looking and it upset him.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So his hair was always a mess.

Ricky laughs

Karl: And that made him look worse than he actually was.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky continues to laugh

Karl: But good film. Get it out if you haven’t seen it. That’s the phrase today. Uh--

Steve: Do you know, um, my- I remember my friend introduced me to that film and if you remember, at the beginning, there’s a big montage because he-he’s, uh, working in a, in a zoo, isn’t he, or being kept in a zoo and there’s a sequence of, uh, of various- of elephants, I think, actual elephants, kind of, rampaging and it’s just quite a, sort of, moody, atmospheric montage.

Ricky: Is he king of the elephants? Can he rule them?

Steve: Well, my friend, my friend said to me when we- he said, “Watch this.” He said, “What happens is he gets trampled on by some elephants and that’s what makes him look like an elephant.”

Ricky laughs

Steve: And I went, “Right.” I watched it and I thought, “That’s not the case” and I tried to explain it to him and he, to this day, is still convinced that the Elephant Man- It’s like a, it’s like when Spiderman--

Ricky: Gets bitten by a spider.

Steve: Gets bit by a spider.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah.

Karl: It was his mam, wasn’t it.

Steve: “The Elephant Man! The power of an elephant!”

Ricky laughs

Karl: But it was- was it his mam who got--

Steve: “He never forgets!”

Karl: Anyway.

Steve: “Be careful.”

Ricky: Is it- his mam what?

Karl: Wasn’t it his mam who was pregnant and then they ran over her and--

Steve: No! I don’t think so.

Karl: That’s the impression I got from it.

Steve: No!

Ricky: You are joking, aren’t ya?

Steve chuckles

Karl: No. I thought- I-I honestly thou- anyway, right? So the phrase is, “Me favourite film’s ‘The Elephant Man.’”

Ricky: Hold on, wait a minute.

Karl: Uh, there’s five songs make up that-that sentence.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Alright? This week. Have a listen, see if you can work out the songs. E-mail in. Uh, [email protected]. Right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And you win all that stuff--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Steve’s just said, so, uh--

Ricky: Eh.

Karl: Right, here we go then.

The Elephant. Maaaaaaaaaaaan. Is. My. Favourite. Film!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: That was nicely done.

Ricky: Genius.

Karl: Alright?

Steve: Let’s hear it again.

Karl: Here we go.

The Elephant. Maaaaaaaaaaaan. Is. My. Favourite. Film!

Steve laughs

Karl: Five songs there. “The Elephant Man--”

Steve: Not- not so hard this week, which is good.

Karl: “Is my favourite film.” Well, I thought we’d make it a bit easier.

Steve: Make it a bit easier. Yeah, alright.

Karl: Just-just one more.

The Elephant. Maaaaaaaaaaaan. Is. My. Favourite. Film!

Steve: E-mail only. [email protected]

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Ha ha. Bit of, uh, Hip Hop Hooray, bit of a rap classic. Although you may not have heard it before.

Song: Mock Turtles- Can You Dig It

The Worst Radio Show Ever

Ricky: I can totally dig. Here's the Mock Turtles.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl “The K-Man” Pilkin- Pilkers. Little Pilkers. Little Baldy Roundy Heady Pilkers.

Karl: Oh, yeah. There’s, um--

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: There’s a whatshername. If people go to the website--

Ricky: You’re joking. That’s not a--

Steve chuckles

Ricky: There’s not a whatshername.

Steve: An actual whatshername?

Ricky: You’re-you are joking, Karl?

Karl: No, but it’s just you reminded me.

Ricky: Oh, did I?

Karl: “Little round, bald head.”

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: If they go to xfm.co.uk, right--

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: /Ricky, there’s a picture on there. You know that picture you did.

Ricky: Oh, that I drew?

Karl: The one you drew of me. Uh--

Ricky: Who put it on? Did Xfm put it on?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Did it look good?

Karl: Uhhh--

Ricky: Can you get into it? Can I have a look?

Steve: I’ll have a look- yeah, I’ll have a look during--

Ricky: What, is it xfm.co.uk--

Karl: /Ricky.

Ricky and Karl: Right.

Karl: And there’s that little picture and people can, sort of, put bids in and the money goes to, uh…

Ricky: Me, I assume, as I drew it.

Steve laughs

Karl: No, it’s for some charity thing, so.

Steve: Cause I-I’ve read, I’ve read something- I think there’s been a bid of at least fifty pounds, which is pretty--

Ricky: No, there hasn’t!

Steve: I swear to God! I just saw it earlier. I deleted it cause I thought someone was winding us up.

Karl: You deleted it?

Steve: Well, I didn’t know, did I? I didn't reali-You didn’t keep me informed!

Karl: Well, it just- (annoyed) Oh!

Ricky: He’s a buffoon, Karl, isn’t he? I think, I think you’re an idiot, but sometimes…

Karl: (annoyed) Oh!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (laughing) Oh, yeah!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well--

Ricky: Hold on, I’m just going to check. Just going to check the “Power List” Top 100 Most Important People in Radio.

Steve: What’s this list?

Ricky: Oh, it’s just the most important people in radio. Oh, fifty-six: Ricky Gervais. That’s annoying. Fifty-six!

Steve: Let me see!

Ricky: So there's fifty-five more important people than me. I love the fact there that I’ve beat David Mansfield who’s the controller of Capital!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Arbitrary. The Radio Academy “Power List” Top 100.

Ricky: Ahh.

Steve: And you’re, what, number fifty-six?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Ricky Gervais. Xfm.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I noticed we’re not mentioned, Karl.

Ricky laughs

Steve: What's your thoughts on that?

Karl: Well.

Steve: You know. Little, uh, stinging, that. I’d have thought, considering the amount of work you put into this show.

Karl: Well, don’t get me started.

Steve: Are you on here elsewhere, Karl?

Karl: No. Too busy!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Chris Moyles is number ninety-six.

Ricky: Oh, that’s good.

Steve: That’s good news, innit?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: He’ll be off the list by next year, I hope.

Ricky quietly laughs

Steve chuckles

Ricky: So funny, aren’t they?

Karl: But it is weird, Steve.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Right? Who’s-who’s number one?

Steve: Number one is Phil Roberts. I don’t know who that is.

Karl: Right? Wouldn’t you think that Marconi would have got a mention?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Marconi? Now what station’s he on?

Ricky continues to laugh

Karl: Weird, though, innit?

Ricky: Ohh! That’s a point! Cause I got one in television. You’d have thought John Logie Baird would have got a mention.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: That’s great. Although, it’s not ever, is it? Again, I’ll slip out of that by next year, I’d have thought.

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: Just checking to see, uh- oh, yeah, Dr. Fox. Good, he’s on there at number thirty-nine. I’m assuming his medical qualifications have also pitched in in the--

Ricky: Yeah, that’s the- yeah, that sneaks him up the list, yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Typical!

Steve: Peter Waterman. Yeah, at number thirty-five. That makes sense. Important guy.

Ricky: Could- can- could we just give them the website so they can read this at their leisure cause this really isn’t radio, is it?

Karl: Right, well…xfm.co.uk--

Ricky: No! That website, if they want to see who the most--

Karl: Oh, I don’t know where it is. I’m just saying xfm.co.uk/ricky if you want to see that picture and whoever bidded fifty quid, if you can send the e-mail again because--

Ricky: Bid! “Whoever bid.”

Steve: “Whoever bidded.”

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky giggles

Steve: We should start picking you up on your grammar. I mean, we’re hardly ones to speak, but, you know. I squozed.

Ricky and Steve: Ricky and Steve: I squozed!

Ricky: I-I’ll tell you what, um, I listened back to las- Karl was worried about last week’s show because he said there was too much screaming and shouting and-and, uh, just nonsense and eating burgers--

Steve: It was a bit like “It’s a Knockout” last week, wasn’t it?

Ricky: (laughing) No, yeah. And I listened back to it and it is- it was, without doubt, the most appalling piece of radio I have ever heard in my life.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: I didn’t know what I was saying.

Ricky incoherently yells

Ricky: “Eat it!” And he’s going- And you’re going, (calmly) “Karl, there, eating a hamburger.” It was bizarre. Just half an hour. If anyone didn’t kn-know us or had never heard of us or- it was just like going, “(whirrs) Hart 104-”, (whirrs) to the “Xfm 104- listen to this. ‘Ughhh! Eat the burger! Eat the burger!’” He’s going, “Coming out-it‘s very--” “No!!” It was absolute- honestly, it was like a mental ward.

Steve laughs

Ricky: It- uh-uh- it was--

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: To be fair, though, at the best of times, you sound like you’re selling The Evening Standard.

Ricky laughs

Steve: “Ooh, ‘ello--”

Ricky: Oh! Oh.

Steve mumbles

Ricky: Oh, God. Oh, God.

Steve mumbles

Ricky: Oh. We should have the worst bits available, shouldn’t we? Just the worst bits of broadcasting ever. So where-where I didn’t finish a sentence or it was just shouting or a record- I-I mean, uh, where a swear word slips out and just put ‘em all on a CD.

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Like, um, you know, like, Penk. He put out the best of his phone calls.

Steve chuckles

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Yeah. Didn- Yeah. I haven’t got-Have you got that?

Steve: The worst radio show in the world ever.

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, “Now That’s What I Call Bollocks.”

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Aww.

Steve: Alright, calm down. That’s just cheapened it! Ohh! Now, once again!

Ricky: Sorry, play a record.

Steve: Oh, tits.

Ricky laughs

Song: AC/DC- You Shook Me All Night Long

Dickmeister General

Ricky: Good to see those boys still rocking. That’s AC/DC. “Shook Me All Night Long” on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Have we got the results of the, uh, quiz, Karl, or-?

Karl: Yeah. Here, I’ll just play it one more time. It was Songs of Phrase. Is this the last time we’re doing this?

Ricky: I’d have thought so.

Steve: I thought it worked better this week because it was actually doable.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: If it makes a difference, Karl.

Ricky: We haven’t done, “Karl’s an idiot” yet. “Karl, you’re an idiot” have we?

Karl: Oh, well that’s a reason to keep it.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Maybe we should end with that one.

Karl: Alright?

Steve: When you come back.

Ricky: Alright?

Karl: Right, well the five songs that made up this little thing ‘ere was “Mr. E’s Beautiful Blues,” Eels. “Innocent Man,” Billy Joel. And “Me Favourite Waste of Time” Owen-Owen Paul.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: “Bohemian Rhapsody,” Queen.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: “Girls On Film,” Duran Duran. It sounded like this.

The Elephant. Maaaaaaaaaaaan. Is. My. Favourite. Film!

Karl: There we go. “The Elephant Man is me favourite film.”

Steve: Hang on. Was “Bohemian Rhapsody” in there?

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: Yeah, it is. It is.

Ricky: (singing) “Is this the real life?”

Steve: Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: Right?

Steve: Well, we’re going to give that to, uh, Piley. He just calls himself Piley, Ian Pile. Uh, good work, Piley.

Ricky: What’s happened to Anders?

Steve: Well, I just was going to say, actually, we’ve not had correspondence from Richard “Dickie” Anders for some time.

Ricky: The Dickmeister. Dickmeister General--

Steve: Yeah, I know!

Ricky: With his naughty, naughty insulting ways.

Steve: Yeah. Anderson used to e-mail regularly--

Ricky: Anders! Get on your computer!

Steve: Get in touch, mate! Tell us what you think of the show.

Ricky: Ho-hold on, though. To be fair, um, he was listening when-when we were pretty shoddy. I, uh- If he’s listened to the last three weeks, I think we’re owed a little apology from you, Dickster!

Steve: (laughing) Exactly! Absolutely. Uh, listen. Piley, um, we want to send you all those goodies, including “Scottish Rock,” um, but, uh, we don’t have, uh, your address so, uh, e-mail in your address and we can send it off to you. Alright?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: More adverts?

Ricky: Yeaaaah.

Steve: Yeah.

Advertisements

He Won't Get Inside My Head

Ricky: Bit of Snoop. “Beautiful.” Xfm 104.9. Gervais, Merchant, Pilkington.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Ricky: Karl had a-a treat in the week, didn‘t he?

Steve: He couldn’t believe his luck.

Ricky: Um, uh, we know, um, Derren Brown. You know, Derren Brown the, uh, uh, the sort of…magician mind reader fella.

Karl: He’s-he’s more special than that.

Ricky: Well. Um, called me up. In town. Said, “Do you mind if I bring- we bring it on Karl?” He went, “Pleasure.” Karl’s very cynical. Saying, “Well, he won’t get into my head.”

Steve: Yep!

Steve chuckles

Ricky: Great, wasn’t it?

Steve: It was brilliant.

Ricky: He went, “Can I ask him questions?” I went, “Well, no. He‘s-he‘s social.” He went, “Oh, I’m not coming.” I went, “Well, uh-” He went, “Well, I-I’ll ask him- I want him to know how he did that trick when he said, ‘You’ve got the winning ticket.’” I went, “Don’t. He’s not going to tell you. He’s a magician.” He went, “Well, it’s not worth it, then, if I can‘t quiz him. ” But he came along--

Karl: Still did, though, didn’t I? I got in- got in there with the questions that other people wanted to know about.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, go on. What’d you ask him and what’d you find out?

Karl: I said, “How do you do that?”

Ricky: I love the fact that the first half hour me, Steve and Derren Brown were convincing Karl that he didn’t see a ghost when he was five.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And then we got on to the tricks.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Well, you ca- I-I mean, I- it will live in my mind, “He won’t get inside my head.”

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And he got inside your head magnificently, Karl. Didn’t he? I mean, were you not amazed? I mean, we, uh- Derren promised, actually, that he’d come on the show in the future and, um, then you, the listeners, can-can see how he can baffle, amaze and--

Ricky: I think--

Steve: Just generally freak out Karl.

Ricky: I think we should film everything that happens, right?

Steve: Mm.

Ricky: Cause it’s just a waste cause you’re only getting half of it when you hear what Karl has to say. Cause his face--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Honestly, he says a thousand words.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Do you know what I mean, it’s just- I-I think we should film it and just put it on a DVD of Karl’s facial expressions. “This is Karl thinking he saw a ghost.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “This is Karl thinking they were going to clone a manmoth.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: (laughing) Just different faces!

Steve: So do you want to try and explain what he did and what marvelled you so much?

Karl: Right, yeah. He comes in, he sits down and I’m a bit, sort of, uh…bit--

Steve: Sceptical.

Karl: --Straight away.

Steve: Oh, you were spooked by him straight away? Really?

Karl: Yeah, there was a weird thing about him. Right?

Steve: Uh-huh.

Karl: So, anyway, he’s sat there and I’m-I’m watching him--

Ricky: Was it because he was naked?

Karl: Checking-che- you know, seeing-seeing what he’s, you know, looking at an’ stuff.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So, uh, so anyway. He gets his, uh, gets his paper out and I think, “Right. He’s gonna do a bit a trickery an’ that.” And he says to me, “Right. Write down a number and a name.” Right? Uh, it was between--

Ricky: A two-digit number. A two-digit number and, uh, a name of anyone you know.

Karl: Yeah. Right? Now the thing is, uh, I thought the name because I was telling Steve earlier about the, uh, about the kid at school who I fell out with.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right? Over that-that girl who was called Harris.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right? So that name was, like, in me mind, ready to go. Cause I didn’t want to use anybody’s name who I knew.

Ricky: No.

Karl: Sort of now--

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: Because maybe you’ve mentioned it in the past--

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: Y’know what I mean? I couldn’t say Suzanne.

Ricky: I knew- I only knew Colin Makin anyway.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah, well, do you know what I mean?

Ricky: Or Auntie Nora.

Karl: So I picked, I picked a name- yeah. Well, I thought you might have been thinking that, Auntie Nora.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So I picked this name, right, that you three don’t- didn’t really know about.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right? Number just came to mind. Right? So--

Ricky: Forty-two. We went over--

Karl: Yeah, four two. Forty-two, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: He said, uh, “Right. Just keep saying it over and over in your head.“ And I’m there and he’s saying all these, sort of, different numbers at me and I’m trying to throw him off a little bit. Every time he said a number that was nothing like forty-two, I was sort of smiling, looking a bit nervous.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Don’t know if he caught that, right?

Steve and Ricky laugh

Steve: I just, I just- all I could see was you looking, uh, sort of blank.

Karl and Steve talk over each other

Ricky: He picked the wrong person when he- When he said, “Let your mind go blank,” he realized he had picked on the wrong person then.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky giggles

Karl: So, uh--

Steve: You had to squeeze his head to get it going again.

Ricky: I-I said, I said, uh, I said, “Derren, if in doubt, he’ll be thinking of monkeys.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And, uh, and Derren looked at Karl and he said, “Were you thinking of monkeys?” He said, “I tried not to and I thought of ‘em more.”

Steve laughs

Ricky laughs

Karl: Right? That’s true, as well.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right? So, um--

Ricky continues to laugh

Karl: So I’m there, I’m there thinking of these numbers an’ that and he’s, uh, he- then he said, “Alright, let’s just talk about other stuff for a bit.” Right? So I was like, “Well, I’m not going to say anything.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right? “Cause I don’t want you to catch me out.” But then when we were talking I was trying to, like, knock him off track.

Steve: Clever.

Karl: You know what I mean? I wasn’t- I- d’you know what I mean? I played a bit of hardball with him.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: I was, like, say- because we were talking about aliens an’ that, as well, weren’t we? And I was saying, “Well, you know, they might come and land again in 2060.”

Steve: Ha, clever.

Karl: D’you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Dropping in different numbers an’ that--

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And he- so, doing all that. Playing him at his own game--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And I think I had him for a bit.

Steve: On the ropes, yeah.

Karl: So, uh, anyway. Comes down to the-the time when he’s telling me the-the name and the number.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And, uh… will he explain what he actually did? I mean, that was--

Ricky: He just went, he said, “Just think of a number at the end of it.” And, uh, and he-he said, “Oh, is it an ‘I‘? and you went, “It wasn’t an ‘I’, but there is an--” He went, “Okay.” Anyway, he got, he got--

Karl: He got the name.

Ricky: Harris. Then he went, uh, he went, he said, “Are you an extrovert?” and he wrote down these numbers.

Steve: Well, he- actually, yeah. He wrote down some numbers and he said that if you’re an extrovert, these are the numbers you tend to choose. If you’re an introvert, these are the numbers you tend to choose. And he wrote them down and he said, “I don’t think you’re really an introvert. I don’t think you’re this, I don’t think you’re that. Da da da.” And I think he came out with the number thirty-two, didn’t he?

Karl: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: He said to you, “You’re thinking the number thirty-two.” You said to him, “No way.” You couldn’t believe your luck, could you, when you’d caught him out?

Ricky: But he said, he said “It’s either forty-two or thirty-two,” didn’t he?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well, no, but that- the- it was beside the point because then he said, you know, rather brilliantly, “If- hang on a minute here. If you just add up these numbers here, that adds up to forty-two.”

Ricky: It was, it was a magic square.

Steve: “If you add up those numbers, that’s forty-two. That’s forty-two across diagonally there. That box is forty-two.”

Karl: All the numbers that added up on the page, whether you go across, sideways, down, across or whatever always added up to forty-two.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right?

Ricky: Which--

Steve: And he got the name “Harris.”

Ricky: Which freaked you out.

Karl: It freaked me out. I kept saying to him, “How do you do it? How do you do it?” and he’s- he wasn’t telling me. I was talking to people at work about him and, um, one lad said, um, apparently the-the trick that he uses is the same thing that Hitler did.

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: No, no seriously! Just- apparently it’s the same thing because he was saying--

Steve: What!?

Ricky: Play a record.

Karl: No, just let me finish because--

Ricky: No.

Karl: No, I’ve even ran it by other people to check if I’m right on this.

Ricky: Okay. Just- let’s-let’s- should we play a record and come back to this?

Steve: Cause the people in the Xfm office- yeah. I mean, they’re pretty wise. They’re up on that stuff.

Karl: No, he used it in a different way.

Ricky: Play a record.

Steve: No! Hold- hang on a minute. Let me hear it. Let me hear it.

Karl: All-all it is is power of suggestion, apparently, and when Hitler used to do his big speeches to people--

Ricky: Yeah. Do you want to play- what should we play?

Steve: Come on! Finish! Finish your--

Karl: Well, that’s-that’s about it.

Steve: Who told you that, Ian Camfield?

Karl: A few different people.

Ricky: Oh, alright!

Steve: The big- yeah, the big thinkers that are in this office.

Ricky laughs

Steve: The br- the brain boxes.

Ricky continues to laugh

Karl: But anyway, right? It’s--

Steve: Cause, I mean, Mackers Mackerson works on the show now, doesn’t he?

Karl: Right, listen.

Steve: Or is it Paxman? Was it Jerry Paxman?

Karl: Now that blew me away, right, that the fact that he got he name, he got the number.

Steve: Mm.

Karl: Spooky bit, right? Um…I’m walking home. I-I’d called you up a couple of times and I left a message on your phone.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Cause it was just amazing. Not only was he good at magic, but his maths was brilliant.

Ricky laughs

Karl: No, well that thing adding up to forty-two was, like, how did he do that?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And then we didn’t even make a big deal out of that.

Ricky: (laughing) He looked at me, he said, “All Carol Voderman’s got is the maths!”

Steve: Ha, yeah, yeah.

Karl: You know what I mean? Imagine him on “Countdown.”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Karl: He’d even know what they were going to write down!

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: D’you know what I mean? So, bit of a wasted talent. I should see him again about that. I think he’s--

Ricky: He asked him, he said, “Derren,” he said, “Why are you doing- why are you mucking around on telly?” Then he went, “Sorry?”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He went, “Why are you mucking around on telly?”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And he--

Steve: He was saying what--

Ricky: He said, he said, “You could make some serious money.” I think Steve went, “Well, he does alright.” He went, “Nah. But if he did that with the ticket thing all day.”

Steve: Yeah. But he’s- didn’t you say to him he should be working for the police force?

Karl: I said, yeah, he should be in a police station. He could help people out.

Ricky: Yeah!

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: D’you know what I mean? It’s not a daft idea, is it?

Ricky: Not really.

Karl: Right. So, anyway, right. So I get home. Still- I’m calling different people walking home. I couldn’t believe it.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right, I called Suzanne up, telling her about it. And she’s like, “Slow down!” She’s like, “You’re like a little kid who’s just been on a fairground ride or something.”

Steve: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: “Slow down!” Right, so I’m telling her. Call me mam and dad up. Me dad wasn’t that impressed.

Steve: No, of course not.

Karl: He’s like, “Well, it’s all been done before.”

Ricky laughs

Karl: But anyway, right, so--

Ricky: But he wasn’t impressed with “Little Donkey,” was he?

Karl: Well.

Steve: No, he’s not. He’s not impressed by much, is he?

Karl: Right, so I get in--

Steve: He probably had to nip out down to the phone box.

Karl: Right?

Steve: Do some thieving.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. “We were- we forgot bread, love!” “I’ll just go down to the phone box.”

Steve: (laughing) Yeah.

Karl: Right. So, uh… So-so I get into my flat, right, and what they do in my flat where I live, they-they put the post in, like, these little pigeonholes. Right--

Ricky: Oooh.

Karl: And I don’t normally--

Ricky: Interesting.

Karl: Check ‘em out. I leave it for Suzanne to do, right?

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: But this time, for some weird reason, I thought, “Right. I’ll-I’ll check it. See if we’ve gotten any post.” Open it up.

Sound of rustling paper

Karl: There’s only this. A letter for Ms. Harris.

Steve: Yep. There it is. Bona fide in front of us. A letter addressed to a Ms. Harris.

Ricky: Well, does she live there?

Karl: No, it’s my address! She doesn’t live there.

Ricky: Did she ever?

Karl: Dunno. It doesn’t matter! It‘s-it’s weird, innit?

Ricky: But--

Karl: We’ve never had- normally, there’s a- I think there was a guy who lived there called, uh…Yakishoki, or--

Steve: Mr. Forty-two?

Ricky giggles

Karl: It was definitely wasn’t an Harris, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: This was the first time I’ve had a letter for this woman.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: But what are you claiming? Because Derren Brown, himself, admits that it is not paranormal, it is not supernatural. It is a trick.

Karl: Mmm. There you go.

Steve: It is a trick.

Karl: Is it?

Ricky: But he would say that, wouldn’t he? Hitler said that. Play a record!

Karl: Well, are we- can we open this? Cause I--

Ricky: No! It’s illegal!

Karl: No, but I’m thinking if it’s a birthday card for someone’s, like, forty-second birthday--

Ricky: Right. You can’t open that letter. Go and put it back or- no, you cannot open that letter.

Karl: Why not?

Ricky: It’s- you can‘t open someone else’s mail cause you think Derren Brown’s, uh, supernatural!

Steve: What if we steamed it open? Then resealed it. No one would know.

Karl: It’s only a letter.

Ricky: You can’t- right. I- I’m- you can, but I-I-I’m- I don’t want any part of it.

Karl: Steve, you open it?

Steve: Karl, I think you should open it.

Karl: No, you open it.

Steve: I’m not opening it! It’s against the law.

Ricky: Ha!

Steve: You should open it, though.

Karl: Right, well, we won’t open it, then.

Steve: They won’t send you to prison.

Karl: Forget it, then.

Ricky: You-you’ll get off.

Karl: Cure? Bit of Cure?

Steve: Bit of Cure--

Ricky: There’s no cure, no.

Steve: I’m looking- well- I-I’m tempted to open it.

Karl: Well, I- do you want to, Steve? There you go.

Steve: No, I won’t, no. I’m not going to open it, but I think you should, definitely.

Karl: Well. I’m not going to open it, then.

Song: The Cure- Six Different Ways

Faulty Tooth

Steve: “Six Different Ways” by The Cure from, uh, the album, “The Head on the Door.” We’ve enjoyed that.

Ricky: The head on the door, Karl! Oooh, bit of a coincidence.

Steve: Spooky, isn’t it?

Ricky: It was only four weeks ago you were talking about a head and a door.

Steve laughs

Steve: Exactly.

Karl: Has the door got a number on it?

Ricky laughs

Karl: Forty- two.

Ricky: Oh, dear. Oh--

Steve: So, we’re not opening it?

Ricky: No.

Karl: Well, I can’t open it because as-as the producer, right--

Ricky: Oh, yeah! Cause your standing in society is such that they’d make a real example of you.

Steve: (laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: That a producer of a tin pot radio show once a week. Yeah. “He should know better! He can press buttons and talk at the same time! Send him down!”

Steve: But you- they wouldn’t try you in an adult court, Karl.

Ricky: You would get away.

Steve: It wouldn’t be allowed.

Ricky: You would get away with it. Just- they’d hear you speaking for a little while and they would, they would- they- the judge would end up squeezing your head and letting you off.

Steve: It’d be like those people who train monkeys to break in. Do you remember, down in south London? We talked about it in the past.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: And they were going ‘round robbing stuff.

Karl: Hackney.

Steve: And they trained them to do it. Yeah.

Karl: I think that we’d need some time, though.

Steve: I don’t think those monkeys would have got in trouble. It would have been the keepers. So.

Karl: Mm.

Steve: You know, I think Xfm would probably take the rap.

Karl: Well, you open it.

Steve: No, I can’t be seen to open it.

Ricky: Well, he’s a writer/director.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: So am I. I can’t be seen to open it.

Karl: Oh, give it here, then.

Sound of envelope being ripped opened

Ricky: Right, I’m having no part of this!

Steve: That’s against the law, but--

Ricky: Well, I’m having no part of it.

Steve: Open it! C’mon, you started now!

Ricky: Right--

Karl: The thing is, right? If it’s important, we can say maybe she’s listening.

Ricky: But do you need the stress? What- it could be anything. What are you going to say? What are you going to say, “Oh, and if you are listening Mrs. Harris, you have got Gonorreah. Call the clinic!”

Steve laughs

Ricky: D’you know what I mean? It could be anything.

Steve: Oh, dear.

Sound of ripping envelope

Ricky: Oh, well. I’ve- I think, I think my, um, talk did well. What is it?

Steve: Is the number forty-two on there?

Karl: Aww.

Ricky: What is it? Can you say? Be careful what--

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Let me see what it is.

Steve laughs

Ricky: What is it?

Steve: Oh.

Karl: Ugh.

Steve: “Dear Sir/Madam. Your periodical dental inspection is now due. Would you kindly contact the surgery to make an appointment?” Harris. Mrs. Harris, if you’re listening, um, your periodical dental inpsection is now due. You’d like to- you might want to contact the, uh--

Karl: Yeah, but--

Steve: The dental surgeon that you normally go to.

Karl: She got…could have a…a faaaaaulty tooooth.

Steve laughs

Steve: Faaaulty toooth.

Ricky: (laughing) Forty-two!

Steve: Oh, forty tooth.

Ricky: I don’t believe it! Faulty tooth!

Steve: Faulty tooth!

Ricky laughs

Steve: Oh my God!

Karl: God, that Derren’s good, innit he?

Steve: Derren Brown’s good, isn’t he?

Ricky: Ohhh, dear!

Karl: Have some Blur, then.

Song: Blur- The Universal

The Typical Virgoan

Ricky: Karl, was that really seven and a half years old? Blur, “The Universal.” Alright?

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: On Xfm--

Steve: Wise words, there.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: Just made me think.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: Karl, I asked you in the week, didn’t I, um, what‘s--

Karl: Oh, what was that kid one that was out.

Ricky: She wasn’t born. So she was about thirty.

Steve laughs

Steve: Oh. Well, I think that's the first time we’ve officially broken the law on air.

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: What?

Steve: I don’t think we’ve broken the law before on air, have we?

Karl: Be alright with the dentist appointment.

Ricky: Well, we haven’t broken the law, Steve. He has.

Steve: You’re right. I haven’t- yeah, we’re fine.

Ricky: And he should know better. He’s a top producer.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Of a tin pot radio station.

Steve: Karl, um, Ricky and I were doing some writing in the week and we needed, uh, a little- get a little book of zodiac types. What’s your thought on--

Ricky: Just to make sure it was good luck, you know, to be writing.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What do you make of all that stuff, uh, horoscopes? Do-do-do you have any, uh--

Karl: Mm.

Steve: Thoughts on that?

Karl: Now and again I’ll read it, but--

Steve: Sure.

Karl: I’ll believe it if it’s good.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: If it’s not, just go, “Oh.”

Steve: What star sign are you?

Ricky: That’s perfect, though. That- but that is- that-that’s that raison d’être. That is a- those people who do zodiacs exist on that piece of philosophy.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “I believe it if it’s good.”

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: And that’s why, when you have breakdowns, people don’t go, “You’re a nasty little piece of work. You’re a pug-ugly little twat and you’ll never amount for anything.” It’s things like, “Hmm, you’re probably too generous for your own good--

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “Um, you-you’re-you like to keep people at a distance, but you like to love. You’re a warm person.” It’s-it’s always stuff like that, isn’t it? People who go, “I suppose I am too good. Yeah, yeah. Uh, that is me all over!”

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Mm. D’you know what I mean?

Steve: “You’re a creative person.” Who thinks they’re not a creative person?

Ricky: Exactly. “You’ve got a wonderful sense of humour.”

Steve chuckles

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Huh, yeah.

Steve: What-what star sign are you?

Karl: Um, mine changes. I’m on the edge.

Ricky: Oh, God.

Steve: Right. Okay.

Ricky: He even makes that complicated.

Steve: Of course!

Ricky: Even makes twaddle complicated.

Steve laughs

Karl: No, I’m just, I’m just- it changes, depending what paper you read.

Steve: Yeah. Alright, in theory you mean.

Karl: Twenty-third of September. So I think--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Most of the time I’m a Virgo, I think, or--

Steve: Well, I’ll tell you--

Ricky: Write-write that down, uh, listeners. Uh, twenty-third of September, uh, and come around and give him the bumps.

Steve laughs

Steve: Um--

Karl: What-what I mean--

Steve: Well, according to this, I mean, it- I-I mean, you’ve been criticizing this, Rick.

Ricky: Sure.

Steve: You’ve been saying that there’s maybe not-not anything in the zodiac--

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, go on.

Steve: Well, hang on. Let me just read something.

Ricky: No, go on. No, I’m- is this gonna change my mind--

Steve: Well--

Ricky: Am I going to eat my words?

Steve: The typical Virgoan--

Ricky: Mmm, words.

Steve: Okay? The physical appearance of the typical Virgoan?

Ricky: Yeah?

Steve: High forehead.

Ricky: That’s not true.

Steve: Cranium may seem too big in comparison with the face. Look at Karl! Look at Karl!

Ricky: But how specific is that?

Steve: Has an extremely large forhead! Has a high hairline.

Ricky: That’s not true, though, is it?

Steve: May be quite tall.

Ricky: What are the blokes like?

Steve: Often has one foot turned in more than the other.

Ricky: What- they’ve just described Rain Man! What is that!? How can they be specific?

Steve: Oh, that’s why is sounds like Karl!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: One-one foot turned in.

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: Oh!

Karl: Well, have they even bothered doing one for you, because there isn’t many people who--

Steve: Hang on a minute.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: No, finish, Steve!

Karl: No, I’m just saying--

Ricky: Go on! What are you saying?

Karl: I-I, sort of, think I’m fairly average looking, but I’m saying have they wasted a page in that book for whatever you are?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It started off me being dissing him and stuff and you’ve been nice.

Steve: Hang on a minute. I don’t think you can be a Virgoan cause it says, uh, that they are normally quick, alert and intelligent.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But no, actually, I have to say, it says here, uh, “Behaviour and personality traits of the Virgoan, uh, uh, is a- as a child, is an excellent mimic, uh, can learn many things in a short time.” Not really true of you, is it?

Ricky: What, what? Like what?

Steve: “Rarely questions authority, but frequently questions facts.” You never question facts.

Ricky: Yeah, you never question authority. You’re scared of authority.

Steve: Yeah. Um…uh, da da da da. The da da da da. Yeah, you-you- “very upset if teased.” That’s true, isn’t it?

Ricky: Yeah! Oh, yeah--

Karl: Hang on a minute, though.

Ricky: Yeah! Can’t take a bit a stick. Too much pressure.

Karl: It depends--

Ricky: Can’t stand the heat, get outta the kitchen. Yeah?

Karl sighs

Steve: “What to teach a young Virgoan. Myths, fairy stories, make-believe, day dreams and how to use imagination should all be taught to a young Virgoan so they have plenty of magical moments to remember in their adult years--"

Ricky: Oh!

Steve: “When they are often alone!”

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I’m changing my mind!

Steve: I know!

Ricky: This is good stuff! This is really good stuff.

Karl: Alright. Well, let’s see- what-what are you?

Steve: Uh, well, um, I don’t think we should talk about it.

Karl: Yeah, let’s-let’s have a look!

Steve: It says the Virgoan is- I love some of the specifics of this.

Karl sighs

Steve: “Virgoans- an employer. He’s excellent as the boss of a small company.”

Ricky: (laughing) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. “Don’t put him on a Tuesday. He’s probably stamp collecting then.”

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: “He loves a bit of haddock!”

Steve: Okay, let me look at mine.

Ricky: Oh, that is good, though, Karl, innit? That is you all over. I’ve changed me mind, it’s brilliant. It’s a real science. They’ve really put their work in with this one.

Steve: Let me see. Sagittarius, Sagittarius, uh. “Sagittarian is a happy, playful little clown.”

Karl: Little?

Steve: Greets everyone--

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Oh, dear! Yeah.

Steve: Uh, let me see. “The Sagittarius at home--”

Ricky: He’s only going to read the good bits, though, innit he?

Karl: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: If that says- what-what could it say?

Karl: Hmm.

Ricky quietly giggles

Karl: Have they, have they done yours in, sort of, small print, cause you’ve got special eyes?

Ricky laughs

Steve: I don’t know what that insult is, Karl. What kind of insult is that?

Karl: Well. Well.

Ricky: (laughing) He loves it! He’s hap- look at that! Look at his face!

Steve: Just done me.

Ricky: Oh, dear!

Song: Babybird - Back Together

That'll Be Good for Monkey News

Ricky: Boo hoo hoo, it won’t do. Listen to the Gallagher boys and “Stop Crying Your Heart Out” on Xfm 104.9. No need to! Monkey News.

Steve laughs

Karl: Well, is it time?

Steve: Time for Monkey News. Can we have the jingle?

Ricky: Zzzzz, ooh, Chimpanzee that! Monkey News!

Steve laughs

Steve: I love the jingle!

Karl: Right, well, uh--

Steve: Can we play that jingle once more?

Ricky: Yeah!

Karl: Want me cue it up?

Ricky and Steve laugh

Ricky: Sssss, ooh, Chimpanzee that! Monkey News!

Steve laughs

Karl: Right?

Steve: Oh, it’s brilliant.

Karl: Got a lot to live up to, now.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: I’ll be honest with you, often, that jingle is more fun than the Monkey News.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well.

Steve: So you’ve got to excel yourself this week.

Karl: Well, it’s, uh- there’s been a lot going on. Um--

Ricky quietly chuckles

Steve: In the monkey world?

Karl: Yeah, uh, I was looking at the Guinness Book of Records that we bought last week.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Ricky: Well, you bought.

Karl: Well, that I bought.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Uh--

Ricky: Is it still wet?

Karl: I was just cleaning the tea off it. I was having a…

Ricky quietly giggles

Karl: Having a little read through and, uh, there was some monkey stuff in there. There was, um- this isn’t the actual story, I’m just telling ya--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: What it’s like, what it’s like looking up monkey news all week.

Ricky: (laughing) It’s like behind the scenes!

Steve: (laughing) Yeah.

Ricky: It’s like the Making of Monkey News, which is actually available on DVD.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: It’s, uh, ya know, twelve minutes unseen footage. Here’s the Making of Monkey News.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Which is my favourite bit, in a way. If you- if-if you enjoy Monkey News, see how it happens.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: See, you know, from conception to--

Steve: It’s all put together.

Ricky: Yeah, go on. Yeah. What’s the typical Monkey News day?

Karl: Well, it was, uh, there was some stuff about a monkey in the Guinness Book of Records. I think it-it had the record…for asking for a cup of coffee--

Ricky giggles

Karl: In twenty-three different ways.

Ricky and Steve giggle

Ricky: I don’t know what to say! I don’t know what to say! Oh. Oh.

Karl: That’s good. Uh, just to show that the Monkey News is-is getting bigger and people are covering it- Donald Macintyre. He was on on BBC.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: On Monday--

Steve: He was on Channel Five, wasn’t he?

Karl: No, no. He hasn’t moved over yet.

Steve: Oh, right.

Karl: This was something that he did for the BBC.

Steve: Right.

Karl: So that was, that was pretty good. That was about, uh, well he wasn’t good. He was pretty…pretty sad, really.

Ricky: What?

Karl: Um, he was doing this thing- d’you know how, like, last week, we were doing Cheap as Chimps?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And someone e-mailed in saying, you know, “Donald MacIntyre’s doing Cheap as Chimps.”

Ricky: Really?

Karl: And it was about, um--

Ricky: I-I bet he wasn’t. I bet Donald MacIntyre did not do a programme called “Cheap as Chimps.”

Karl: They didn’t, they didn’t use that title.

Ricky: No.

Karl: But you could tell where they’d got the format from.

Ricky: Sure.

Karl: If you know what I mean.

Ricky: Sure. Sure.

Karl: And it was, uh, it was about gorillas and how much you can get one for, but the problem was, cause they’re that pricey…it was, sort of…I think- I don’t even want to- it-it is--

Ricky: If it’s cruel, then don’t- yeah. Forget it.

Karl: Yeah. Yeah, it was a bit--

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: D’you know--

Ricky: I mean, in- can I just say, uh, in the making of Monkey News and Cheap as Chimps, not-not- and no one was harmed.

Steve: (laughing) No monkey is--

Ricky: No, no, no, no. Go on.

Karl: Alright. Well, anyway. Today’s-today’s story, uh, is e-mailed in. Uh--

Ricky: So you didn’t even do anything towards it.

Steve chuckles

Karl: Well--

Ricky: So when you say, “I’ve been working on Monkey News,” what, you-you…printed that out?

Steve: So is the Making of Monkey News you checking your e-mail?

Karl: Well, no--

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: I’m always looking at different options that, you know, how much is going on.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: This is what makes me laugh, when he says I- he’s really busy.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: “I’m doing other stuff an’ that. I’m doing other stuff.”

Steve: People are sending him Monkey News.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: Yeah!

Ricky: You get an e-mail.

Steve: Is this from Reuters?

Karl: Well, listen. It’s from Steve.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Alright? Uh, now what it is is this monkey, right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Don’t know where it was.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Karl: Uh, but there’s a bit before the monkey, anyway, right?

Ricky: Jesus.

Karl: There’s this- no, listen.

Ricky: Shoot me!

Karl: Right? It’s a bank. There’s this bank, right? Busy bank. Normal day, everything’s going normal.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right? Busy bank, people going in. Doing what they do. Seeing about mortgages an’ stuff.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Everything’s normal, everyone’s happy. Right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So, anyway, it’s quite busy one day. Fella comes in. With a gun and a balaclava on.

Steve: Ooh! Up to no good.

Ricky: Right, I’ll tell you now, Karl. If this fella turns out to be any ape or monkey-related species, you’re never doing this again.

Steve laughs

Ricky: You-you are never- I’ll- so just- if you want to finish it, it’s at your own risk. But if this fella, who robbed the bank, turns out to be a chimpanzee, that’s the end of Monkey News.

Karl: Alright!

Steve: Okay, let’s hear the end. It’s-it’s a lovely day and a lovely bank. Everyone’s happy.

Karl: Everything’s normal. Um--

Steve: A man comes in in a balaclava.

Karl: Man comes in. Starts--

Ricky: Is it a man?

Karl: Starts waving a gun around.

Ricky: Is it--

Steve: Shut up, Rick! Let him, let him finish the story.

Karl: Starts waving a gun around.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right?

Steve: Up to no good.

Karl: So everyone’s thinking, “Oh, God,” you know, “wish I didn’t come in here. It’s not going to be a good day--”

Ricky: How tall is the man?

Steve: Shut up! Let’s hear it.

Ricky quietly giggles

Karl: Uh, everything, you know- “Oh, God.” And he’s telling everyone to get down on the floor.

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: In what, in English?

Steve: Shhhhhh!

Ricky: In English?

Karl: Yeah. In English.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So everyone’s panicking, everyone’s getting on the floor, thinking, “This is it. This is,” you know, “it’s all over.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Just when you think, you know…

Steve: It couldn’t get any worse.

Karl: It’s all bad news.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It’s all bad news, doors swing open. Little monkey wanders in.

Ricky: Oh, God. It’s worse.

Steve: Shut up, Rick!

Karl: Little monkey wanders in.

Steve laughs

Karl: Right? The robber’s like, “What’s going on ‘ere?” He’s telling it to get down on the floor. I don’t think it was taking any notice.

Steve: No, it was just busy asking for coffee.

Karl: It runs in. I don’t know if it was going to withdraw or-or deposit.

Steve laughs

Karl: Or whatever. It wanders in. Right? Uh, go-goes up to the robber.

Ricky: Where did it, where did it come from?

Steve: Shut up! Will you let him finish the story and then ask questions?

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: That’s only fair.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Wanders in.

Ricky sighs

Karl: Uh, runs up to the fella with the gun. Takes the gun and the bag of money off him. Everyone’s like, “Yay” you know, “we’ve been saved!” Then the monkey starts backing out with the gun and the monkey.

Steve laughs

Ricky gets up from chair

Steve: Shut up!

Ricky: I’ll see ya later.

Steve: Sit-sit down! Sit down and finish--

Ricky: Nah. No, I’m not, I’m not having this.

Steve: Hear the end of the story.

Karl: He does a runner with the, with the money and the gun. No one’s seen it since.

Ricky: You are an idiot! I mean, you are- you have said some stupid things in your time. What are you talking about?

Karl: It’s a story that happened.

Ricky: NO! What are you talking about? What do you mean, “it backed out”? It came in, with a- was it a-an accomplice? Was it an opportunist monkey robbery? What are you talking- think, Karl! Think!

Karl: I know, it’s mad. That’s-that’s the idea of Monkey News. We’re telling people how-how, like, how monkeys are-are pretty, you know. They’re mental!

Ricky: Ah!

Steve: Yeah, they’re up to no good!

Ricky: What are you- think! They’ve never seen the monkey since? What, did he have a get-getaway car waiting? Did he swing his way to freedom? Where was this? There’s no details! Don’t talk rubbish!

Karl: They… well they act- Steve, Steve e-mailed it in. He’s got it off the net and the funny thing is--

Ricky: Oh, okay.

Steve: Can I see it?

Karl: The funny thing is--

Steve: Can I see it? Have you got the information there?

Karl: Yeah. The funny thing is, um…it wasn’t just him who sent it. I had that a couple of times, so a few people obviously read the story and said, you know, “That’ll be good for Monkey News.” It doesn’t say anymore. It doesn’t say if he went off to Spain. It doesn’t say--

Ricky quietly laughs

Karl: You know, what, you know, if he’s on Crime Watch.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Doesn’t say any of that. Just saying that’s what he did, that’s the story and that’s what Monkey News is about.

Steve: I, actually, I’ve heard that they’re making a movie version with Phil Collins.

Ricky and Steve giggle

Steve: So I look forward to that and Julie Waters.

Karl: So that’s-that’s this week’s Monkey News. If you got any, you know--

Ricky: Well--

Karl: If anything’s happening--

Ricky: No, don’t bother.

Karl: And you found--

Ricky: Cause that’s the end. No, that is the end. That is the end of Monkey News. No more Monkey News. This is, uh, bit of Queen?

Steve: It says it here in this e-mail, Rick. It’s got to be true.

Ricky: Right. “Seven Seas of Rhye.”

Song: Queen- Seven Seas of Rhye

They're Panicking a Bit

Ricky: Nice to hear that one again.

Steve: Boys.

Ricky: “Metal Mickey,” Suede. On Xfm 104.9. Well. Nearly over with, uh, Ricky, Steve and Karl. I’ve done another little sketch for you, Karl, cause, uh, I was excited by the fact that we raised that money. So I’ve done a little--

Karl: Well, it’s-it’s not over yet. If, like, people go to the website and if they think it’s worth more than fifty, they can say, “Oh, I’ll give ya fifty-five or summat.”

Ricky: What’s it- Xfm put that little one. It’s all three of us, innit?

Karl: Well, they haven’t done that yet.

Ricky: No, but they can put that on next week and they can frame it for ‘em, can’t they?

Karl: But if they have a look, xfm.co.uk/Ricky. You can have a look at it. If you want it, pay some money and--

Ricky: Now. It’d be worth…a bit of money, won’t it, in a few years? When we’re all dead.

Steve: Mm-hmm.

Ricky: Now, listen, Karl. You’re going on holiday. You need a little rest, don’t ya?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: What’s it- what’s the, what’s the vibe? What’s the vibe of the day? What-what’s the, what’s the, uh--

Karl: Just, um--

Ricky: What’s the crack on holiday, c’mon.

Steve: Where you going?

Karl: Madeira.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Good.

Karl: Um…it’s just Suzanne’s dad, right? Me girlfriend’s dad, he’s sixty, so.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: She’s taking--

Ricky: That’s the average age in Madeira.

Karl: Taking, uh--

Ricky: I’ve been.

Karl: Is it?

Ricky: It’s good, it’s quite good an' quiet, yeah.

Karl: Well, they’re taking--

Ricky: My mate Damer went to Madeira. Um, and, uh, he was worried about, sort of, terrorism on the plane and he looked around and he thought, “Well, if someone gets up, someone will wrestle him to the floor” and he re- he looked around and, uh, he was the only one, he realized, could’ve got out of his seat quickly enough.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: So, uh, you’ll enjoy it. It’s quite quiet. It’s nice.

Karl: We’ll be alright. I mean, it’s the first time her-her mam and dad have been away, so.

Ricky: What, ever?

Karl: Abroad, yeah. So they’re-they’re worrying about- they just don’t understand the rules an’ stuff so they-they’re panicking a bit. And then in the week he--

Ricky: Do they know--

Steve: What, they’re trying to take- they're going to take livestock?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Well, it’s getting like that. He was like--

Ricky: Are-are they filling loads of Durex with heroin as we speak?

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky giggles

Ricky: No, but, um, do they know about passports expiring, don’t they? I mean, they’re not completely stupid?

Karl: Yeah. They know about all that, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And, uh, he called up in the week. One of the questions had, uh, what’s the best thing when you’re going abroad- the best thing to use to carry tea bags?

Ricky snickers

Steve: Mm.

Karl: So it was like, “What are you worrying about that for? They’ll sell, they’ll sell tea bags out there.” And it’s like, “Well, we want to take-take our own.” It’s like, “They’ll sell tea bags.”

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And he’s worrying about that. He’s thinking, “I’ll put it in a glass jar.” I said, “Put it in a glass jar, then.” He said, “Oh, I’ll bubble wrap it.” So he’s bubble wrapping a-a tea thing. It’s just- I mean, it is annoying me a bit cause it’s meant to be a week off from-from you annoying me and already he’s niggling me.

Ricky chuckles

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But you are easily wound up. You are a very finickity little fussy person. You don’t like any- the slightest bit of pressure. See, I thrive on pressure.

Steve: We--

Ricky: Ba ba ba ba ba! Working it. Working there.

Karl: That’s how I work as well.

Ricky: Bada bing.

Karl: That’s always doing stuff. Monkey news.

Ricky laughs

Karl: D’you know what I mean?

Ricky: Oh, yeah, Monkey News. “I got an e-mail. Won’t read it till on-air. It’s rubbish, but I- that-that’s one feature that might be done. That’s all I have to do.”

Karl: Well, I tell you what. When I’m away next week, do Monkey News and see what you can find out. Alright?

Steve: Ooh, there’s a challenge.

Ricky: Oh ho! Oh ho ho ho ho!

Karl: See what you can do.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Cause I’ve already told ‘em about the Guinness Book of Records one, so you can’t use that.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right.

Steve: We are going to find the best Monkey News ever, Karl.

Karl: Well.

Steve: What was it you said to me about- cause I- the- I mean, the thing is, that you don’t really like people, do you? That’s the truth of it. People annoy you, don’t they? They wind you up.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: What was it you said about friends? You don’t--

Ricky: He doesn’t like friends!

Steve: He doesn’t like people. He doesn’t want any more friends.

Ricky: He doesn’t want any friends he said cause “One day they’d ask me to change a tyre.”

Steve: Yeah! What was it--

Karl: No, it’s always a hassle. Well--

Ricky: The tyre he sits and swings on in his back garden, he means.

Karl: It-it’s just…the-the- they-they call up, they ask for stuff. They want favours doing.

Ricky: Yeah. They-they want a, they want a pint. They want to chat to ya cause they like ya. I know, they’re a pain in the arse. I- you- I tell you what, Karl, you’re better off without ‘em, mate.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Well, though, to be fair, Rick, friends like you.

Ricky giggles

Ricky: Yeah! You’re not judging ‘em on me, are ya? You’re not judging all possible friends on me?

Steve: You know all friends aren’t like him?

Karl: Nah, just- they-they do, sort of, you know.

Steve: You know, some friends will never touch you. Around the head--

Ricky: Aw, I’m not going to see you for a week, am I?

Karl: No. Do you want to get a little squeeze in?

Ricky: I am going to get a little squeeze in. Can I come around there and squeeze ya?

Steve: Squeeze it in now. We should play a--

Ricky: Brilliant. I’m going to squeeze it.

Karl: Well, we’ve got ads and that’s it, really.

Steve: Is that it?

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: We’ve got no time for records? That’s a shame. Well, have a quick squeeze.

Karl: Have a quick squeeze.

Ricky: That’s the--

Sound of slapping

Ricky: That’s like a Benny Hill slap, there, on--

Karl: Alright, that’s-that’s enough of that. Alright?

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Squeeze it, squeeze it.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: Oh!

Karl: That’s it, that’s it.

Ricky: Excellent!

Karl: Will that do ya for a week?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Alright.

Ricky: See ya.

Steve: See ya next week.

Karl: See ya later!

Steve: See ya, Rick. Have a good holiday.

Karl: Alright.