12 April 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

Ricky, Karl and Steve break the law on-air for the first time as Karl gets curious about the extent of Derren Brown's powers.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 12 April 2003/Transcript.

1. There Are Rules in Place (0:00:00)

Classic Ricky intro in which he "describes" the three of them. Some new rules are in action because Ricky was winding Karl up too much. Ricky can still squeeze Karl's head on-air. Ricky explains the "two experiments" he does on Karl's head. Ricky had been in, in the week to film this while some big-wigs were at Xfm. Karl spoiled Ricky's fun by giving him too much information about where he was going to be. Karl references the fight between him and Antony over Zoe Harris in which Karl chipped Antony's tooth and there was a copper in assembly talking about unnecessary violence.

2. Her ID Wouldn't Look Right (0:07:04)

Karl won't miss Ricky when he's on holiday. The child that was older than her mum. Could she get served in an off-license? Head squeezing and an aging girl, but after this Karl has some "weird stuff" to talk about!

3. Collective Age of 300 (0:12:04)

Steve was watching MTV and kind of agrees with Wyclef Jean, but he and Ricky wonder if exposing your minge, tits and arse don't make you a whore, what does? Steve is concerned about the Fugees. Last week Karl let Steve back on his pub quiz team, because Steve had apologised. Ricky gloats over his win, but Karl and Steve say Ricky's team is older (and they have a better general knowledge). Steve reads off the prizes including Scotland Rocks! and Ricky inquires as to what bands are on there. Songs of Phrase is about Karl's favourite movie The Elephant Man, and Ricky thinks he is an animal. Steve's friend thinks he was trampled by elephants.

4. The Worst Radio Show Ever (0:20:47)

On Xfm.co.uk/ricky, there's a picture that Ricky drew of Karl, up for charity bid. Ricky is Number 56 on the Radio Academy Top 100 "Power List". No mention of Marconi. Ricky listened back to last week's show and was appalled, but Steve's not surprised. They should have the worst bits of broadcasting available, like Steve Penk.

5. Dickmeister General (0:25:45)

Songs of Phrase answers given. What's happened to Anders? Ricky thinks he owes them an apology.

6. He Won't Get Inside My Head (0:27:37)

Karl met Derren Brown and asked him some "how do you do that" questions. Ricky wants to film Karl's face. Karl was spooked by Derren and tried to throw him off his illusion. He picked the name "Harris" and the number "42", which Derren was able to determine. Karl thinks Derren uses the same trick as Hitler did. Not only was Derren good at magic, but his maths was brilliant. Karl told Suzanne and his parents about it all, but his dad wasn't impressed. Karl never checks the post but got it today and in it was a letter for a Miss Harris. Can they open it?

7. Faulty Tooth (0:37:42)

More chat about whether or not they can open the letter. Karl eventually opens it and it's a dental appointment reminder, sparking Karl's pun. God, that Derren's good.

8. The Typical Virgoan (0:40:23)

Steve thinks that's the first time they've broken the law on-air. Ricky and Karl bought a book of zodiac information for writing research and make fun of horoscopes and those who believe in them. Karl is "on the cusp" of a sign and Steve reads about the Virgo sign which sounds quite a lot like Karl. A bit of Karl vs. Steve and Steve reads from his own star sign and Karl immediately questions it.

9. That'll Be Good for Monkey News (0:45:53)

Time for Monkey News and Karl cues up the jingle. The Making of Monkey News. Karl looked in the Guinness Book and found one that asked for coffee in 23 different ways. Donal Mcintyre did one about how much you can get a gorilla for. A listener emailed in this week's Monkey News about a fella in a balaclava who robbed a bank and a monkey runs in and steals the gun and the money. Ricky is beside himself.

10. They're Panicking a Bit (0:53:10)

Ricky's done another sketch, of all three of them. Karl's going on holiday to Madeira with Suzanne's parents who've never been abroad, and are overly precautious, even about packing teabags. Karl challenges Ricky and Steve to do Monkey News without him. Karl doesn't like friends because they're a pain. One last head squeeze before Karl goes away.


Karl: It's difficult to keep it serious when I'm saying 'I'm sick of you putting a Burger King bag on me head'. There's part of me that's like, 'I can't believe we're doing this'.

Karl: That's before the stress of, you know, having heads squozed an' that sort of thing.

Steve: To be fair, Rick, at the best of times you sound like you're selling The Evening Standard.

Ricky: I said to Derren, 'If in doubt, he'll be thinking of monkeys'. And Derren looked at Karl and said, 'Were you thinking of monkeys?', he said, 'I tried not to and I thought of them more'.

Ricky: [Karl] even makes twaddle complicated.

Songs of Phrase

The Elephant Man Is My Favourite Film

Eels - "Mr. E's Beautiful Blues" (The Elephant)
Billy Joel - "Innocent Man" (Man)
Queen - "Bohemian Rhapsody" (is)
Owen Paul - "My Favourite Waste Of Time" (my favourite)
Duran Duran - "Girls On Film" (film.)


Placebo - The Bitter End
David Bowie - Be My Wife
Turin Brakes - Painkiller
Mock Turtles - Can You Dig It
AC/DC - Shook Me All Night Long
Snoop Dogg - Beautiful
The Cure - Six Different Ways
Blur - The Universal
Babybird - Back Together
Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out
Queen - Seven Seas of Rhye
Suede - Metal Mickey

See Also