10 May 2003/Transcript
This is a transcription of the 10 May 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2
We Didn't Get a Sausage
Song: Badly Drawn Boy - All Possibilities
Ricky: Ha ha, Badly Drawn Boy on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. I'll tell you what, the Sony's then-
Steve: Uh-ho-ho
Ricky: this Thursday, this Thursday at the Grosvenor House Hotel.
Steve: Yeah
Ricky: Everyone in radio who's anyone has uh, entered their show in different categories saying oh you know they get it down to you know...
Steve: Winners this year included the brilliant Dominic Mohan, former Showbiz editor of The Sun.
Ricky: Lots of people won, lots of people won, lots of people won gold, lots of people won silver, lots of people won bronze. We didn't get a sausage.
Steve: Nothing.
Ricky: This show was deemed
Pause
Ricky: not-not worthy of anything. I mean, not-not a look in. The panel looked at it and said well, no definitely not.
Steve: This is not radio.
Ricky: Didn't get a vote. See, that annoys me on so many levels. Let me-let me tell you: 1. Right, I've never complained about losing an award, okay, ever! Mainly in tv, I know we've won a lot but we've been beaten a couple of-beaten by Peter Kay, good luck to him, he's brilliant. Am, beaten by Phoenix Nights, the sitcom, a lot of people like that more than the office and vice versa. Right, n-no qualms, but the shoddy shite that I heard that night beating us...I was furious, Idon't understand-there's, there's people-regional-it sounds like hospital radio, right-they've-I mean I shouldn't even be on XFM, I thought eh-eh, you know, it-it, it's beneath me.
Steve: Yeah, yeah.
Ricky: And I thought 'Well, give em a hand, right, let's show em'. And I wanna know who the panel was aswell. I, I do not believe it! How can they d-? Erm, I was looking back over some of the shows, right *mumble* Karl, and I've just done a little excerpt of a-you know-a trailer of what we, what we do, what we're about, and I don't know how the panel could overlook..play a bit Karl, please.
Karl plays trailer
Ricky: ...shaking her muff, minge and tits around does not make her a ho then what does?
Karl: ...these kids at school with big heads...
Steve: Karl what are you talking about?
Ricky: Shut-Hello my name is Ho Lee Fuk.
Karl: Right there's this monkey that was on a train station.
Ricky: Right
Steve: What if, what if you mean cock to mean penis?
Ricky bursts into laughter
Karl: But it was me Down Syndrome son...
Ricky: Ooh chimpanzee that, monkey news!
Steve chuckles
Karl: So we've still got monkey news coming up.
Steve sniggers
Ricky: Your're an idiot!
Steve: That's, to me, quality broadcasting.
Ricky: I don't know how they can say that isn't worthy...
Steve: That's what we sent in-
Ricky sniggers
Steve: -to the Sony people, they listened to that, how they didn't think that was dynamite stuff...it doesn't make sense. D'you know, I've been thinking about this since Thursday because I've been a little bit down in the dumps-
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: -what I think it is is that with the tv show, the tv stuff we've done Rick, we put a lot of work into that.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: We get the script, we got the script. We spend a lot of time on it. What this show is about, it's very much about spontanaeity, it's about our personalities and I don't think we're ever gonna win an award for our personalities.
Ricky sniggers
Steve: I think that's where we're going wrong.
Ricky: D'you know what I think? I think that when we're together, we're the auteurs of The Office and , y'know, and ah, we're strong on it, and we're just two-, we write it, we direct it...You know, we cast it, we-we even worry about the font and stuff on the- you know we do everything
Steve: mm, mm.
Ricky: There's a weak link in our midst, I think...
Steve: Wha, on the radio show?
Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah-
Steve: Right well I'm just trying to think what the common factor is because on the award-winning tv show...
Ricky: well it-
Steve: ...it's just you and I...
Ricky: Yeah I dunno-
Ricky: Well I'll tell you what can we play a record and...let me think about this cos there must be somethi-there must be something...
Steve: There's gotta be a factor.
Ricky: that isn't in The Office that's in this that means that The Office is award-winning, and this is a pile of shite.
Song: The Rolling Stones - Brown Sugar
Better Luck Next Year
Ricky: Brown Sugar by eh The Rolling Stones on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais with me Stephen Merchant and with us, erm, Karl-Karl Pilkington, the third-third member of this, erm, team...
Steve: mm
Karl: ...team. We and-me and you do The Office.
Steve: Award-winning.
Ricky: Yeah and me-us three do this, do this show.
Steve: No awards.
Ricky sniggers
Steve: Nothing.
Karl: Karl, what-what are your thoughts? What do you think's wrong with the show? Why do you think the panel listened to our show and said 'That is awful, it's not actually a radio show'?
Steve: Well can I just point out to-many people may not realise that last year we won a bronze so we've actually gone down, we've actually slid off the list al-entirely.
Ricky: Yeah. I know but I mean that-that yeah but Karl wasn't really as involved...last year.
Steve: Well I remember last-last year you-it was very much you and I was doing it and Karl was just there pressing buttons.
Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah I mean we just-we just started out on it yeah so I mean you can't really, you can't really compare. Hold on though...
Steve: Wellll...interesting, interesting.
Ricky: What d'you think, Karl, what-what do you think the reason is?
Steve: Thoughts Karl?
Ricky: Any thoughts?
Karl: I see what you're getting at.
Ricky sniggers
Karl: But-
Ricky: You're not stupid.
{{Karl|But, when I put the compilation together-
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: mm
Karl: I made sure that it was mainly you two
Steve: mm,mm.
Karl: So don't-don't be uh, don't be doin' that, don't be playin' that game.
Ricky: So you-oh so you put the compilation together.
Karl: Yeah
Steve: Right, again.
Ricky: Ah, right, interesting because...
Steve: We weren't involved with that.
Ricky: ...we, we, we usually do The Office, edit The Office and everything, we have final cut on The Office. So you, ah I see so you...
Karl: Yeah but-
Ricky: oh right, no no so you're the *something*
Steve: You had your fingers all over it, interesting.
Karl: Yeah but I-
Ricky: Oh no that's interesting, so-uh, well, erm...
Steve: Uh, that-so the tape was the smoking gun and who's fingerprints were on it: Karl Pilkington's interesting.
Ricky: Yeah, that's interesting we didn't-get a sausage...
Steve: mm
Ricky: But-you know what I'm-d'you know what I'm-seriously though, you know-you...
Steve: Well I don't-I mean seriously it is his fault.
Ricky: I know but I mean, we-we-it's our fault as well cos we should have known better, right, but-
Steve: Than to employ him? Yeah.
Ricky: But, erm, I actually think it's a slap in the face. I wanna know who the panel was, I wanna know what Sony were thinking, just handing it out to the same old people. You know what I mean? Every clip they played a funny phone call. D'you know what I mean? And so, I'm actually-
Steve: Did we send any of our funny phone calls in?
Ricky: So if anyone, if anyone, if anyone cares, I think we should knock this on the head-
Steve: Well yeah.
Ricky: As a protest against Sony. As I say I've never complained before, about *something*, but I mean this one, tsk, dunno what-dunno what they're think-I want-I want or, I want someone on the panel, it was entertainment, I want someonen on the panel to phone up and say why they think this show is rubbish.
Steve: Well and I-um- and apologise.
Ricky: Well not apologise if they stand by they-if they tell me why, you know, because, you know, listening to that clip there I can't see anything wrong with that as...
Steve: No, sure.
Steve: It's interesting , I mean I-I don't think, erm, our number one fan Dickie Anderson- Richard Anders - was, uh, on the, on the panel, although he here has emailed in.
Ricky: Go on, oh brilliant!
Steve: He's got a couple of thoughts as to maybe why we...
Ricky: What is Dickers doing man?
Karl: Eh Dickers says "commiserations on not winning a Sony, I can't believe you didn't win-
Ricky: Ah.
Steve: -naturally. I mean apart from your shows lack of quality and effort, having a monkey for a producer-
Ricky sniggers
Steve: -offering the biggest load of tat as competition prizes, saying 'hairy Chinese kid' 48 times every show, Rockbusters, not bothering to turn up for weeks on end, only having three listeners, introducing the comedy characters Camp David, Har-Harry Fook, which I think he spelt wrong there, Stephen Merchant-I'm not a character-
Ricky laughs uproariously
Steve: apart from insulting every race, religion, and sexual orientation, bickering like schoolgirls-
Ricky: We g-haven't done everyone yet, we have not insulted everyone yet, there's loads to go.
Steve: and generally bringing misery-despite the fact you generally bring misery into the lives of anyone who listens, I thought you were surefire winners. Better luck next year.
Ricky: Well...
Steve: I mean, a couple of constructive, you know, criticisms there, but generally, I still can't nail it.
Ricky: Was he on the panel?
Steve: Well I-I, I don't think so, I don't think s-well he's a fan, so...
Ricky: Yeah. Well, no, he-he's clearly a fan, I mean-
Steve: Yeah
Steve chuckles
Ricky: He lov-he obviously loves the show, he's-cos he's-I mean he has hit the nail on the head-
Steve: Yeah
Ricky: which-
Steve: Yeah, yeah.
Ricky: But uh, what shall we do, shall we give up or shall we try harder? That-that's always my dilemma in life.
Steve: Sure, yeah.
Ricky: I mean I've-I've always gone for the first one.
Steve: Give up?
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Ricky: Why-why bother?
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: If they-if they can't see...Just give-give-give us the award, and then worry about it later and we won't let 'em down. Now they've got, they've got blood on their hands. We're gonna *burble* what-what shall we do? Give it a month's, couple of month's notice?
Steve: I think so.
Ricky: Okay, well, there you go.
Steve: I mean seriously, I mean because I think we've run our-
Ricky: Well I am being ser-I'm not being wacky now, erm, well I haven't told Andrew but uh-
Steve: I think we've run our course with this show.
Ricky: Yep yeah. So let's, let's-okay-we'll give it a month and it's because the Sonys didn't give us anything. Play a record. There you go.
Karl: Well you gotta do a bit longer than that.
Ricky: No we haven't, gotta give a month's notice.
Karl: No you gotta work till about September if your're gonna...
Ricky: No we haven't. No we can give a month's notice. We-you know-whatever they-give the money back or summat. We-we-
Steve: Well hang on.
Ricky: Well-
Steve: Well you give your money back.
Ricky: Yeah I know. What are you-what are you gonna spend your 80 quid on?
Steve: Ha ha, true!
Song: Red Hot Chilli Peppers - By The Way
I Hope Sony are Happy
Ricky: By The Way - Red Hot Chilli Peppers on XFM 104.9. So, few more shows-
Steve: And then that's it.
Ricky: I-I-I hope Sony are happy.
Steve: mm
Ricky: They should encourage-you know, we've only been in radio, you know, couple of years...
Steve: Exactly!
Ricky: tryin...
Steve: They should encoura young-encourage young talent like you.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Instead of giving it to Radio 1 and Radio 2 and...
Steve: Mm, the old warhorses. We've just had a quick email I wonder if you could answer this. It's James from NWL an he says: "Ricky is Karl gonna be on this week's show? Please let me know as I may listen if he's not."
Ricky sniggers
Steve: Erm-
Ricky: Aw.
Steve: Sadly he is here.
Ricky: Oh dear.
Steve: I mean people are already turning against you Karl cos they've seen what's happened.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: I think they've probably realised that we've sort of *inaudible*
Ricky: I think we gave you too much. I think -exactly- I think we got a spoiled sort of kid on our hands. It's sort of like, you know...We-we knew- we knew how bad he was but we were tryin to sort of bring him out of his shell a little bit.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Encourage- you gotta encourage sort of, erm, children like Karl...
Steve: Well yeah exactly, exactly.
Ricky: To sort of...fend for themselves.
Ricky: Erm, but eh, I like the fact that Dickie Anderson had that wonderful rant-I mean it was an articulate email, it was quite long, and he must have typed it immediately. I'm thinking, because he's a fan of the show and he-he thinks I'm, you know, a genius...We need a PA-
Steve: Sure.
Ricky: Don't we?
Steve: Yeah, yeah.
Ricky: D'you reckon he'd come and work for us?
Steve: Erm, well he can't be any worse than what we've already got.
Ricky sniggers
Ricky: Dunno
Steve: Erm, you know...
Ricky: So, there you go then, we're giving up radio. We're gonna concentrate on television. Karl's probably gonna go back to what? Your little, just doing your sound...
Karl: Well, the thing I won a silver for at the Sonys. Funny that innit?
Steve: Oh you won a silver did you?
Karl: I got a silver yeah.
Steve: Oh yeah what was that for?
Karl: For doin, for doin the proper job that I do here in the week.
Ricky: Well no there's two of you for a start.
Karl: Yeah, well there's three of us, can't even get a bronze. Now who's the weak link?
Ricky sniggers
Karl: Right.
Ricky: Well...
Karl: Bit weird innit?
Ricky: Let's get-let's-let's get-let's not argue-we haven't got many shows to do.
Steve: To be fair though, this-this show is-I think it's more to do with the fact that you talk on this show that has brought us down.
Karl: Right I haven't said anything hardly today.
Steve: No, well this is an award-winning show potentially.
Ricky sniggers
Ricky: We'll add this one in for next year. Aw...
Steve: If you could just keep schtum, we might have a chance.
Karl: Alright.
Ricky: Well, coming up, right, Karl-
Steve: Let's put it behind us.
Ricky: Okay.
Steve: Let's draw a line under it.
Ricky: Erm, we had a meeting yesterday. We thought we'd better, you know, for the last few shows, plan it a little bit. And me and Steve came up with a great idea: we're gonna offer Karl money to do stuff.
Steve sniggers
Steve: Yes.
Ricky: Erm.
Steve: That's the quality of the ideas, on this-
Ricky: Yeah, yeah. And erm, uh, I've bought some money in *burbles* little stuff cos we had him- we had him showering with our mate Johnny for a thousand pounds yesterday, didn't we?
Steve: Yeah we just got into a discussion and then one of us suggested that how much would it cost us-
Ricky sniggers
Steve: -to pay you Karl to have a shower with another man? Not-there's nothing gonna-going on-
Ricky: You don't-no, no, there's nothing going on, you just, you're just in a shower, normal shower, you're just watching each-washing each other, having-er, not-not each other, just yourselves-
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: You're just having a chat.
Steve: You're just washing each other.
Ricky: Right yeah.
Steve: Yeah washing yourselves.
Ricky: Yeah, yeah.
Steve: Having a shower.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: But it's a regular shower in a- in a regular house, it's not a shower in a swimming pool.
Ricky: And he-and he went fine, he got-we got-he got a thousand pounds out of it, he wouldn't do 900, he got a thousand pounds out-but then, we said an we'll have to watch to make sure you do it.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: And he went no that's weird.
Steve: He wouldn't do it!
Ricky: So...but why-why-why what's the-
Karl: Well this is what annoys me though right, the whole idea of oh what would you do? Right, a bit you missed out there-
Ricky: What?
Karl: When we started this chat saying oh I wonder what you'd do for money it did start off with would you rub Dale Winton's neck? Would you give Dale Winton a massage for 20 quid?
Ricky sniggers
Ricky: No but yeah but it's you have to say no 500. You could-you got-we're trying to find out what your price is. What Price Karl is the name of the show. So-so, you'd-would you give erm, uh, Dale Winton just eh- he's got a knot, he's got a bit of a knot, he's stressed, he's been doing Supermarket Sweep, and he's furious, one of the contestants was answering back, calling him names, and he's got-he's got all knots in his neck. You just put your fin-just give him a little bit of a-you know, five minutes.
Steve: A little neck massage.
Ricky: How much would you do that for?
Steve: He's naked, and it's just a little neck massage.
Ricky: Nothing-there's nothing going on-there's like-
Karl: See there you go-
Steve: You're naked aswell. It's just the two of you naked giving him a little massage.
Karl: He's naked, I-I-
Ricky: No, no, seriously, would you-would you give him, erm, okay, would you-would you give me a foot massage?
Karl: For how much?
Ricky: Well that's-
Steve: Well that's *inaudible*
Ricky: What-what's your price?
Karl: And what are the rules though? Can I wear gloves?
Steve: No.
Ricky: No, no, just-just, you know...Let's start off simple: would you take off my shoes and socks?
Karl: Eh for-for...I'd do it for like, 50 quid.
Steve: That's-you gotta *inaudible*
Ricky: Okay, okay, alright: 20 quid to take off one shoe and one sock, but like you mean it. You just take the shoe off, you go-like that and as you're pulling down my sock, you pull the sock *burble* you look me in the eyes and go what lovely ankles.
Steve: Seriously how much? What price?
Karl: Eh, 20 quid a foot.
Ricky: 20 quid a foot.
Steve: That's gotta be worth 50.
Ricky: So, so 20 quid, you will take off my-erm, we'll put on some soft music...Right.
Ricky harmonises 'soft music'
Steve chuckles
Ricky: You d-
Karl: I don't-I don't need it today. That's-that's what I was saying to you yesterday.
Steve: You always need it.
Karl: D'you know what I mean?
Steve: You always need it.
Karl: No you don't.
Steve: Everyone needs cash.
Karl: At the moment I'm quite happy.
Steve: Give it to a homeless person, give it to a charity.
Karl: Well get him iin here.
Steve: Donate it to charity.
Ricky: Wu-wu-are you still gonna shower with Jonny for a thousand pounds?
Karl: Not now, because you said and me and Steve are just gonna stand in the corner and-and watch.
Ricky: Well we've got to make sure you do it. You might go in there and just like wet your hair and come out, pay Johnny 500 quid and go yeah we had a shower. How will we know?
Steve: Sorry I'm quite interesting about the shoe and sock.
Ricky: I-I-I'm back to the-I'm back to the shower. You just have to wash yourselves and-we have to inspect that it's really clean cos we want you to wash certain parts really...
Karl: Right well why-why have you both got to be in there then? Why are you both watchin-
Ricky: Well no just one of us. Can we just take-I mean-yeah-or-can-can Steve film it?
Ricky and Steve chuckle
Steve: As evidence. Just as evidence.
Ricky: Or we'll-I tell you what, we'll leave the DV camera in there. We-neither of us to be in there and then we can just watch the video-
Ricky creases up with laughter
Steve: Yeah-
Karl: Are you a couple of benders?
Steve: Well I should be in-are we?
Karl: Are you a couple of benders?
Steve: No.
Ricky:
- through laughter* play a record.
Steve: No. But can we-can we discuss further the taking of the shoe and the sock cos I think there's 20 pounds in-I'm willing to pay 20 pounds to see that.
Song: Coldplay - In My Place
Just Like Workin in a Shoe Shop
Song: Coldplay - In My Place
Ricky: See, a little surprise for you there, that's uh-uh Coldplay here, they're live through there, thanks um-Can they hear me? Can they hear me? Um, uh, yeah, brilliant. D'you wanna-d'you wanna say a few words? D'you wanna say hello?
Steve: Yes, uh I'll have a quick word with Chris, ah lead singer Chris: Chris, good to have you here.
Ricky: (as 'Chris Martin') Hullo.
Steve: An um,,um, how's it going with Gwyneth Paltrow?
Ricky: Brilliant, yes, she's a lovely lady.
Steve: Yeah, no, I thought so yeah. I saw her in Shakespeare In love. I thought she was good.
Ricky: She's good in that in't she?
Steve: If you would pass that on to her, just say I enjoyed that.
Ricky: I will yeah.
Steve: Um, um, it's going alright: you gonna get married to her or what's happening?
Ricky: Yes, oh, I marry either her or that Julia Roberts woman.
Steve: Good, yeah, either one is good. Um, um, I note you're on holiday at the moment in Hawaii, I read in the paper today.
Ricky: No, no.
Steve: You're actually here.
Ricky: I'm actually here.
Steve: Okay, um-
Ricky: Gotta go now, got to go.
Steve: Alright just a couple of quick questions.
Ricky: (as himself) See ya later Chris. (as Chris) Yes, see you Ricky. (as himself) So that's the sort of guests-
Steve: That's the calibre of guests. We're just *inaudible*
Ricky: Just like Jonathan Ross, we've got guests like Jonathan Ross. That's Coldplay just popped in.
Steve: Just popped in.
Ricky: So-
Steve: So if you're the Sony people listening, you wanna-
Ricky: Brilliant! And we've still got Karl to take off my sock for 20 quid. Okay, let's do it now. Let's just get over with and do it now.
Steve: Come on Karl. Let's get our cash out then Rick. There's ten pounds right there.
Ricky: Well, no-no-no-no-no, no you don't owe him cos he owes you ten, so I just have to pay him ten.
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: Yeah. So-go on then, just take-
Karl: Not-not whilst Coldplay are here.
Ricky bursts out laughing
Steve chuckles
Steve: It's alright, they've-they've had to shoot off.
Ricky: Come on!
Karl: Nah, I don't wanna do it, let's leave it.
Ricky: Why not? Tell me why-
Karl: Cos we've been on now for half an hour and we haven't done anything yet.
Ricky: Okay, okay, well at the end of this, why won't you do it, it's ridiculous! You won't have a shower, you won't take me shoes and socks off, you won't do anything. You won't give Dale Winton a rubdown. What will you do for Chrissakes?
Karl: I don't wanna-I don't wanna do-say if me Man and Dad are like-have heard about how well I'm doing in London.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Right, they've heard about, y'now, the Sony awards and that, they're talking to their mates, they're saying Karl's doing well for himself.
Ricky: Yeah
Karl: Let's have a listen to him on Sky.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: They're tuning in, I'm taking off socks for money.
Ricky: What's up with that?
Steve: That'll be the first time that anyone in your family has actually made, you know, money, without stealing, thieving.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve:
- inaudible* It's the first honest money.
Ricky: It's honest-
Karl: Well let's just do it quick then because it's getting on me nerves.
Ricky laughs
Karl: It's actually annoying me.
Ricky: Excellent
Steve: Excellent, alright.
Karl: Well I'll give you the money Steve. I won't-
Steve: No-I-well-you-well he's just taken a tenner off me.
Ricky: Here you go.
Karl: I'll give you the tenner back.
Ricky: Right, okay.
Steve: Okay.
Ricky: Not like that-don't do it like that.
Steve: You've got-you've got to do it properly.
Ricky: No do it slowly, do it slowly.
Steve: That's right, just gently-I can't see what's happening.
Karl: It's just like I'm working in a shop, there's nothing normal. Right *inaudible*
Steve: Come on just get it done.
Ricky: What's that?
Karl: Why are you whistling?
Ricky: Why are you whistling? What's the whistling?
Karl: Someone-sort that out, I can't believe-
Ricky laughs
Ricky: Right.
Steve: Okay now do it properly, gently.
Ricky: Yeah-
Steve: It's a sweaty trainer, which just makes it all the more...Just gently caress it, caress it.
Karl: There's someone watching in the office look-
Steve: Caress it, caress it there-now just gently ease the sh-
Karl: Right just like working in a shoe shop, there's nothing-nothing weird about it.
Steve: Just gently ease down.
Ricky: I'm gonna burst.
Karl: Alright.
Ricky: I'm gonna burst.
Steve: Alright, now just-now come on, gently do it, don't just rip it off.
Ricky:
- inaudible*
Steve: Slowly, slowly, tease it, tease it.
Ricky: (through laughter) I don't like this. I just wasted a tenner and I wasn't enjoying it at all.
Steve: Now wait-now wait a minute, you've got to say-
Ricky: Say-say something nice about my ankle.
Steve: You've got to say- Say you've got lovely toes and I love your ankle.
Karl: You got nice toes an that.
Steve: Well say it properly.
Ricky: I don't like it anymore!
Steve: Do it-eh, you've got to say-you've got-you've got to say for the tenner otherwise we're taking it back, you've got to say what lovely ankles you've got, but in a sweet seductive voice.
Ricky: Right.
Karl: Right you've got nice ankles.
Steve: That is not how you would seduce a woman.
Karl: I would say it like that.
Steve: You would seduce a woman like that Karl.
Karl: Ask Suzanne.
Steve laughs
Steve: Ask Suzanne!
Ricky laughs
Steve: Imagine that.
Ricky: I don't know-I don't feel good about it.
Steve: Leave it off cos I want to see if we can get him to massage your toes.
Ricky: I don't know what's worse. I di-I mean I didn't like the feeling much, that wasn't very nice, cos it was all-it was all rough and I-you know-he's-he's a skinhead and he's playin'on the feet. And then I thought aw I've degraded him so I don't know what I feel worse about.
Steve: I'll gi-you can keep the tenner that you owe me if you massage his toes.
Karl: No I'm not doing that.
Ricky: No we've paid him, he's done it. Yeah, the shoes are back on. We're-summat else next week, summat else next week. Okay.
Steve: If you'd like Karl to humiliate himself for money, email in.
Karl: Well Suzanne was surprised that I was like-last night I told her about it, and I said-
Ricky: Oh why did you do that? I don't feel-I don't know what I feel now, I-that's not good. I don't know-that's not good, is it?
Karl: And she just said well, you know, uh, you don't like chucking money away and that. And it was funny cos we got talkin about, eh, when-when we bought our first flat in Manchester, right-
Ricky sniggers
Karl: I bought a-I bought a bed right, we didn't have much money, and uh, what annoyed me is, I bought the bed and it turned up and I said where's the mattress? And they said well you don't get a mattress with the bed, you gotta buy that separately. And I was like well that's not a bed then, right. So I didn't have any more money. Suzanne's at work, so I thought well I don't wanna stress her out at work an that, telling her we haven't got a mattress for the bed. Had a word with me Dad, right. He knew a mate who had one in the back of a van, right. He said I'll have a word with him, he'll let you have it. Got the van, brought it round. Stunk of diesel an that, but I thought wuh-it's-it's free, okay.
Ricky sniggers
Ricky: Stunk of diesel...
Karl: They brought it up, stuck it in the spare room. Suzanne got home, she looked at the bed, she said that looks alright, she said where's the mattress. I said it's in the nex-next room but I thought I won't tell her because she won't like the idea. She went in, the room stunk of like petrol fumes an that. She said what-what's going on? I said wel it's...a mattress didn't come with the bed, so I've sorted you one out, I've got this one off me Dad. And...we didn't have one night on it. She said get rid of it.
Steve: Yeah
Karl: I had to go and ditch it.
Steve: I don't know what she was thinking. One of your father's friends is driving around in a van with a mattress in the back.
Ricky: Yeah. Was he a serial killer?
Steve laughs
Steve: I mean...and she didn't want to sleep on it.
Ricky: Like summat from Silence of the Lambs.
Steve: What kind of a cheapskate is she-what kind of a woman is she, that she won't sleep on a mattress that's been in the back of a transit van since 1985.
Karl: (inaudible)
Ricky: Covered in petrol, diesel, probably urine and Christ knows what else.
Steve chuckles
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: Aw.
Karl: So, you know...
Ricky: Would you swap pants with Steve for 50 quid now?
Karl exhales
Ricky: You don't have to look at him, you go in the toilet, he tak-he takes pants off in the toilet, leaves em there, you go in-
Steve chuckles
Ricky: right, you come out with your trousers on, you go in, right, take your pants off, put his pants on, leave your pants in the toilet, come out, you've got his pants on, he goes in there, you come out, you just swap pants, at the end of the show you put it back. How much?
Karl: When you say pants what do you mean?
Ricky: Just hi-underpants.
Karl: Jeans?
Ricky: Underpants.
Karl: No I'm not doing underpants.
Ricky: WHY? Why not?
Steve: Seriously, these were fresh on Thursday.
Ricky sniggers
Ricky: Yeah but-
Steve: For the Baftas-
Ricky: But I mean-
Steve: For the uh awards, the Sonys.
Ricky: D'you know what I mean? But I mean just, name your price, it's gonna be more than 20 quid, it's gonna be more than 20 quid, it's gonna be-it's gonna be like, 80 quid upwards, I think.
Steve: No clean on today.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: They were clean on today, and they're boxers.
Ricky: It's as bad for him as you, don't-don't-remember that.
Steve: Thanks for that.
Pause
Karl: 50 quid?
Ricky: REALLY? Play a record.
Karl: No 'ang on, you just said you'll give me 50 quid.
Ricky: If you'll go and swap pants? I don't what's in it for me, I don't know why I'm doing this. It started off as torturing Karl, but not only am I out ouf pocket, I don't actually want you two to swap pants or touch my ankle.
Karl: Well Steve isn't saying no.
Ricky: I don't know what I've done, this is-I-this-I'm the victim here. I've paid out and I don't even like it. Play a record I wanna think about this.
Steve: Can-I mean-ahem-I've got 50 quid if you...as long as we can swap the pants but both be in the room at the same time.
Song: Freda Payne - Band Of Gold
I Thought We Weren't Doing This Anymore
Ricky: Band of Gold by the artist who featured in uh, uh, a recent Rockbuter, uh, clue, which was, I think, uh, uh, the Jamaican fella needs an aspirin for his head. And *burble* to free da pain.
Steve sniggers
Steve: Brilliant.
Ricky: Rockbusters comin' up innit Karl?
Karl: We, uh, we *burble* now, get it-get it goin'?
Steve: No let's-let's-let's, no let's leave it.
Ricky: I thought we weren't doing this any more.
Steve: I know, I don't know what happened.
Ricky: I don't know-I mean-
Ricky sighs
Steve: But I mean as-I mean we're shooting off in a couple of weeks weeks so...
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: What difference does it make?
Ricky: Yeah
Karl: We might-we might as well...Now you've mentioned it it's a good time.
Ricky: Go on then.
Karl: Right, uh, three cliptic-cryptic clues like the one you've just heard there. Uh, first one-
Ricky: Craptic, I like that, is craptic a word?
Karl: Uh, first one, me younger brother spotted you the other day. Right, that's the cryptic clue, me younger brother spotted you the other day. The initials: J.S., J.S. for the band. Second one, uh, that champagne belongs to the boxer's kid.
Ricky sniggers
Ricky: It's the way he looks up like it's...Oscar Wilde.
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: It's j-ohhh.
Karl: That champagne belongs to the boxer's kid. The initials there A.M. And the third one, uh, the vibrators, and the initial B.
Ricky and Steve: What?
Karl: The vibrators and the initial is B. So the first one, me younger brother spotted you the other day-
Ricky: Well I know that one that's ridiculous.
Karl: J.S.
Ricky: The phone's going.
Karl: Second one, that champagne belongs to the boxer's kid, A.M. And the third one, the vibrators, initial B. So, email in and you win-you can say the prizes later, can't you?
Ricky: Well I tell you what, this is terrible. I mean, we-we didn't even say the prizes, we weren't going to do this, the phone's going: look at the phones, they're gone mental.
Karl: Alright well-
Steve: Karl did you ever do paintings and drawings at school and then bring them home and your mum put them on the fridge?
Karl: Uh, no, not really, I never brought them home.
Steve: What did you just screw em up and throw em in the bin?
Karl: I just left them at school.
Steve: Yeah.
Karl: Cos I never had a bag.
Ricky laughs
Ricky: Never had a bag.
Karl: Alright.
Song: Radiohead - There, There
Ear Plugs and Matching Tie
Ricky: Radiohead, There, There, on XFM 104.9. You see-
Karl: Oh I'm sick of it.
Ricky: No wait, what-uh-this has given me an idea because-um-I think, what the best thing about this show is what happens when the records are playing.
Steve: Mm.
Ricky: Cos we-we sort of-
Pause
Ricky: That's an example-inarticulate, yeah. Didn't have anything planned. Well I started my mouth moving but I didn't have anything planned.
Steve: Yeah
Ricky: Like-
Karl: Why was that? Why-why didn't you have anything planned there?
Ricky: What?
Karl: Why didn't you know what you were gonna say then?
Ricky: Cos-
Karl: What were you doing when Radiohead was on?
Ricky: I-well, I made Karl a new uniform that he has to wear in the second hour? What did I do?
Karl: You got tissue paper.
Ricky: Yeah. Toilet roll, yeah.
Karl: Ripped a bit off.
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Made a little tie for me.
Ricky laughs
Karl: And put some in me ears.
Ricky: (laughing) Yeah. So we had earplugs and matching tie.
Steve: (chuckling) Yeah.
Ricky: And he looked good didn't he?
Steve: Yeah.
Ricky: He had earplugs and matching tie and I-and uh, squeezed it in there and he went I can't it'll irritate me.
Steve: Mm. mm.
Ricky: So, I'm thinking of things all the time to make this more fun for me.
Steve: Yes.
Ricky: And it is just like that. I-
Steve: Can I, uh, sorry, quick question. Um, just wanna raise-Steve-just wanna raise a little point.
Ricky: Go on.
Steve: Um, you say that you're spending most of your time thinking about how you can make this more entertaining for yourself.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: Is it worth ever considering the listeners?
Ricky: Well I think that if-if-
Steve: If you're happy they're happy?
Ricky: (laughing) Yeah.
Steve: I'm not sure that's true. I-I've been monitoring a lot of the feedback on email and stuff.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: It doesn't appear to be the case.
Ricky: well that's because Karl won't go along with stuff.
Steve: Sure.
Ricky: I mean-they can see it on the webcam, his little-matchin-matchin earplugs and tie that I made. I just did a cartoon that went for £350, right, on the In-on the website, right, so that-that's one now yeah we're gonna do it-we're gonna make it really good, we're gonna give 'em lots of stuff and sign DVDs and everything, so that's great, 350 quid. Who is it?
Karl: Uh, I think her name was Joanne. It's not definite yet cos we haven't got the money off her.
Ricky: Well-she's-um-I-you know. You gotta trust 'em, ain't you? Um, and so, I think people would love to have had a matchin'-you know I'd have signed it and everything-little matchin' earplugs and necktie made out of toilet roll.
Steve: Yeah, yeah.
Ricky: You know and he didn't-doesn't wanna wear it. But I've had a great idea for a show, right, we film the behind the scenes, right, of each show.
Steve: Uh-huh.
Ricky: So, you know, and you can get a you know, a CD of what went out, but you see what happened behind the scenes, right. And it follows us through a week, right, and it's called X-Men 3.
Steve: Ah I see because of XFM.
Ricky: Yeah
Steve: Right.
Ricky: And then we can film all Karl, what Karl looks like when I'm squeezin' his head, about what he's like when we're tryin' to make him touch us. All that sort of stuff. When he's gettin' all stressed out in the day and we just pop up, right-the what he looks like, his little head... everything.
Steve: Uh-huh, uh-huh...And would this be broadcast on TV?
Ricky: I think so, I think Choice, something like that, BBC3.
Steve: Right, okay, yeah.
Ricky: Yeah-
Steve: I mean I-
Ricky: Again-
Steve: It's weird because I-I'm -I mean I'm very much in the centre of the storm-I'm very much the eye of the storm.
Ricky: Yeah.
Steve: And I know that I myself would not wanna watch that.
Ricky: Really?
Steve: No because it's um-
Ricky: Ain't he negative Karl? He was like this when you came up with Cheap As Chimps, uh, he didn't-he wanted to drop Rockbusters. What was the other thing he didn't like?
Ricky: Erm-
Karl: Uh that other TV idea I had.
Ricky: Yeah what putting a baby in a room, setting it on fire and seeing if it can make its way out.
Karl: Setting the room on fire-
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: Lets not get silly.
Ricky: No no no but he didn't like that, did he?
Steve: I mean I don't-I don't wanna sort of...I don't wanna blow my own trumpet but it does seem to me that my criticism of those things is probably justified. I mean Cheap as Chimps-
Ricky: Yep.
Steve: Where is it now?
Ricky: Well...
Steve: It's-
Karl: Donald McIntyre took it.
Steve: Well not really Karl, not really.
Ricky: (laughing) Donald Mac-
Steve: It is but, um, a pitiful memory. Um, both your game show ideas are terrible. This TV show idea, I think, again, it's only interesting to you Rick. This is what you fail to realise. You've got no sense of the greater public, they don't-to be honest, I'm just taking this from what people are emailing in, they're not interested in Karl.
Ricky: See I don't read the emails.
Steve: They're not interested in Karl.
Ricky: I don't read the emails. They're not interested in Karl?
Steve: No they're not interested in Karl.
Ricky: But if we do a documentary about him like they did about Oliver the Humanzee-
Steve: Now that's a different case!
Ricky: Or that girl that was older than her mum or, you know, all those other sort of...things. I think if we actually did a definitive documentary and got in doctors to talk about him-
Steve: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Ricky: and, er, showed him-
Steve: That psychiatrist from Big Brother.
Ricky: Yeah and just talked about it and then showed him in his environment, I think it would be-I think it would be brilliant, I think it'd be a brilliant show.
Steve: But I think that's interesting, I think, you're right, some kind of anthropological study of Karl-fascinating. You making a little neckerchief for him, I'm not so convinced.
Karl: Well I-but that would all be part of it. Play a record, let's think about this, cos I think this is an idea. If any broadcasters are listening, like Greg Dyke or, erm, you know, we'd even go to Channel 5 with this I think wouldn't we?
Steve: (laughing) Really?
Ricky sniggers
Steve: I mean, alternatively, if you'd like to, uh, incorporate Karl into some kind of Blue Peter appeal?
Ricky: Let's do summat, let's just get Karl-look at his face! How could you not-see a lot of people still don't know what you look like Karl. Play a record.
Song: Turin Brakes - Painkiller
Xfm Biros
Ricky: Turin Brakes - Painkiller on XFM 104.9.
Steve: Couple of emails, Rick, that I out to notify you about: Erm, Holly has emailed in, she wants us to wish her good luck, she says that she's one of 15,000 women who will be walking 26 miles around London, starting at midnight tonight, in their bras, to raise money for breast cancer research.
Ricky: Prostitutes.
Steve: No no no no, just regular ladies I think.
Ricky: Alright.
Steve: Erm, but I-I was at a loose end, so that's summat for me to do this evening
Ricky laughs
Steve: I'll uh-no i'll pop down and-and support them. Erm...
Ricky: Erm also we gotta-we gotta say hello to, uh, Sonia who's uh, it's her 18th birthday, and we're gonna play a little Smiths track for her later, so, uh, it's uh-we're tryin'-we're tryin' to-
Steve: Be interactive.
Ricky: Yeah. Um I've seen how other DJs do it, they have phone-ins, they go: (as Dr. Fox) And uh, how are you celebrating tonight? (as caller) Oh we're just going out Foxy. (Dr. Fox) Uh have a good time. Here we go. This is-(normal) You know what I mean. We gotta *burble* have guests, we had Chris Martin in from Coldplay. We're just gonna be a lot-
Steve: Well Chris is still here.
Ricky: (as Chris Martin) Hullo.
Steve: Uh Chris, how do you come up with the ideas for your songs?
Ricky: Just make them up in my head with the guitar.
Steve: And erm, how old are you now Chris?
Ricky: 28.
Steve: Thanks very much for that, more from Chris Martin later I imagine.
Ricky: (normal) Cheers. Erm, (as Chris) cheers
Steve: We've also had an email-(sniggers) er, thanks Chris. We've also had an email from Jim-it's as easy as that. we've had an email from Jim, he says, on the subject of the postcards, his brother once met the bloke who posed for the photo on those biros that when you tip them up, the black ink kind of sinks away and it shows him nude. And he was apparently an aspiring model and he got paid 75 dollars for it in Hong Kong in the seventies.
Ricky: Karl would you have done that, would you pose moo-nude for a pen for 75 dollars? I mean inflation goin' up, that's uh, let's double it every ten years say, so yeah...uh that's sort of 150, 300...I'll give you 600 quid to pose nude for biros that we'd give away for XFM.
Steve: An XFM biro where your clothes sink away when you turn it upside down.
Karl: An what sort of shape was this fella in? Did he look-
Steve: He was in pretty good shape, yeah, I think.
Karl: Uh...600 quid...
Ricky: Yeah, I'd make it back on selling the pens.
Karl: Nah, I wouldn't do that.
Ricky: Why-
Steve: I always remember being at school, uh, when I-the first time I ever encountered one of those pens, there was a kid at school, Jason, and he had, uh, one of those pens and he'd turn it upside down and it was where the woman's clothes sink away and she's naked. And I remember sort of seeing her and him showing it to everyone, all the young lads and them thinking this is amazing, and urm, I always remember thinking it was like the idea that it was sort of a way to cheat teachers. Oh there's Jason, he's just got a pen there with a picture of a woman wearing some clothes, that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that.
Ricky: If he brings a porn mag in, I'll have him.
Steve: He's out.
Ricky: Yeah but I can't
Steve: But I've always imagined-can you imagine how embarrassing would it be to be caught masturbating over one of those pens.
Ricky: (laughing) a businessman
Steve: Yeah, exactly, his wife catches him.
Ricky: (burbles) (as businessman's wife) Sorry, sorry what are you doing?
Steve: (as businessman) Er, just doing some writing with this regular pen.
Ricky: Right, wha-
Steve: Well no, don't-don't turn it upside down. Don't ah-
Ricky: Uh. Can I just come round where you're sitting, just ah-why are you naked?
Steve: The only thing I think more embarrassing would be to be caught masturbating looking into a mirror.
Ricky laughs
Ricky: Well for you maybe. For me and Karl it would be alright.
Steve chuckles
Steve: Erm, uh, we should give the Rockbusters clues again one final time before we, um, we give out the answers. And I should mention the prizes aswell, if you still want to enter, uh we we've got so-various things, couple of CDs, a Smash Hits CD-
Ricky: (laughing) masturbating looking into a mirror!
Steve: Uh, let's move on from that. Club Anthems 2003, Strange And Beautiful-
Karl: I don't like being nude.
Ricky: Eh?
Karl: I hate being nude anyway.
Ricky: Why? What do you mean you hate being nude?
Karl: It's not normal if you walk about-do you walk about the house with nowt on?
Ricky: Well no, cos we got windows.
Karl: Yeah but...alright with the blinds shut or whatever.
Ricky: Well, I have a bath, with the blinds still
Karl: No no, but say like, say like, you know, with Jane and that, are you happy walking about?
Ricky: No just-well I walk round in my pants or a towel. I won't-I won't purposely walk round nude for the sake of it, no.
Karl: No I know, but-but-but-I, in the morning I don't mind, when I get up-
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: To go for a shower. But I don't sort of flaunt it about, I just wondered if that's normal, or...
Ricky: Wel no I-what do you mean is it normal? If-if-if noone can see you then...
Karl: No right but your girlfriends in and that, but what I mean is-
Ricky: Yeah.
Karl: It's like...you can put a pair of pants on, can't you? D'you know-all I'm saying is-
Ricky: Put-put Steve's on if you want.
Steve: Yeah, for 30 quid.
Ricky: What d'you want-d'you want to put a pair of pants on now?
Karl: No it's just that you're asking me to do it for a pen.
Ricky: What would you do right, what would you do right, if erm, you did that thing with Steve, and you left your pants in there and you went and you put his on but...there's it was sort of like, it was damp...?
Karl: Right so Rockbusters then, we'll get this out of the way right. First one-
Steve: Yeah, so the prizes, Karl, uh, I've mentioned-there's a number of CDs, we've also got Wild Weather, erm, a fascinating-it looks like 2 VHS set about weather, about various weather conditions around the world. That must be selling like hotcakes.
Ricky: Sian Lloyd could be in that now, couldn't she?
Steve: Yeah, indeed. And erm, also signed by Norman, it's Fatboy Slim's Big Beach Boutique, that must have been troublesome for the station that-that has uh, you know, close ties with Norman to get hold of, but well done. And uh, that's Fatboy Slim Big Beach Boutique. So yeah there's a number of not bad prizes to give away and the clues were Karl...?
Karl: Uh, first one was, uh, me younger brother spotted you the other day, the initials J.S. We had erm, that chapagne belongs to the boxer's kid, that was A.M. And uh, third one the vibrators-
Ricky: That's rubbish, that one!
Karl: And the initial B.
Steve: We'll give away the uh, the prizes and the answers, next.
Ricky: Erm, are we gonna play a record or...d'you-what we got coming up, we got Monkey News...
Karl: Yeah we got that. We got, uh...
Ricky: We got loads, too numerous to mention at the moment.
Steve: We got any adverts?
Karl: We got some of them.
Steve: Oh brilliant.
Karl: Cram them in later.
Steve: Excellent, look forward to that.
Karl: Joe Jackson.
Ricky: Good-good track, good tune.
Karl: Why it's on.
Steve laughs
Song: Joe Jackson - Different for Girls