10 May 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

Ricky is incensed that the show failed to win any Sony awards and gives Karl money to perform degrading, homoerotic tasks.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 10 May 2003/Transcript.

1. We Didn't Get a Sausage (0:00:00)

Ricky starts out with a rant about how they didn't win a thing in the Sony Awards. Xfm is beneath Ricky and he wants to know who was on the panel. A montage of show clips is played. Ricky thinks there must be something different about their radio show than The Office and wants to have a think about what it is.

2. Better Luck Next Year (0:03:35)

Ricky and Steve win awards for The Office but Ricky, Steve and Karl win nothing for the radio show. Karl made sure mostly Ricky and Steve were on the compilation so they can't blame him. Ricky thinks it's a slap in the face. Every clip was a funny phone call. Have someone on the panel phone up and explain. Richard Anderson has emailed in his condolences and groups Steve in with their comedy characters. Should they give up or try harder? Ricky wants to give a month's notice but Karl says they need to stay longer.

3. I Hope Sony are Happy (00:08:24)

People are already turning against Karl. Karl won a silver for doing his proper job - who's the weak link then? How much would it cost Ricky and Steve to pay Karl to have a shower with another bloke? This started off with how much it would cost for Karl to rub Dale Winton's neck. Would he give Ricky a foot massage? For 20 quid a foot, he'll take off his shoes and socks. More chat about Karl in the shower but it must be filmed.

4. Just Like Workin in a Shoe Shop (0:14:32)

Chris from Coldplay is in the studio. Karl doesn't want to take off Ricky's socks but relents because he's so annoyed. They make Karl say Ricky has nice ankles and Ricky doesn't like it anymore. Suzanne reminded Karl about when they bought their first flat near Manchester and Karl bought a bed without a mattress and got one off from the back of his dad's. Would Karl swap pants with Steve for 50 quid?

5. I Thought We Weren't Doing This Anymore (0:21:46)

Rockbusters clues, and Ricky and Steve are dejected. Karl never had a bag in school.

6. Ear Plugs and Matching Tie (0:23:58)

The best things in the show happen when the record is on. During Radiohead, Ricky made Karl a new uniform of toilet roll. The cartoon Ricky made of Karl went for £350. Ricky's got an idea: film behind-the-scenes on the show and call it "X-Men 3". Steve feels justified in his criticism of Ricky and Karl's ideas. The public are not interested in Karl.

7. Xfm Biros (0:29:00)

Fifteen thousand women are walking through London in their bras, and Steve's no longer at a loose end. Ricky's going to play a song for a listener in attempts to be interactive. Chris from Coldplay is still in the studio. A listener's brother met the man who posed for a nudie pen in Hong Kong in the '70s. Would Karl pose for an Xfm pen? The embarrassment of being caught masturbating to one of those pens, or looking into a mirror. Karl hates being nude. Rockbusters prizes including Wild Weather and an album signed by Fatboy Slim.

8. His Name Amused Me (0:34:52)

Ricky recounts what they've done so far in the show, and Steve selects Gerald Preston as the Rockbusters winner. Karl brings up the infinite monkey theorem because he read about eight monkeys left on PCs for a month who didn't type anything coherent.

9. More and More Things are Annoying Me' (0:40:20)

Steve's got an update on his future relationship with Dido: so far, nothing's happened. Karl didn't enjoy the Sonys. An old fella in the toilet "farts, he just farts" while Karl was in there. Karl farts near Suzanne so he doesn't have to rub her back, but Mr Pilkington has never farted in front of Karl's mam. She won't go to the toilet unless people in the house go out for a walk. When Karl was in a nappy he'd do his business in a corner of the kitchen and didn't like people looking at him. His mam also taught him a toilet trick involving matches.

10. Always Put Your Best Stuff Out There (0:48:10)

Chinatown's not a town and Karl was propositioned by a 80 year old prostitute. Monkey News is about a monkey who had a gig at a hairdresser's. Karl had his hair cut by a man on a railway track and also by some wanna-be gangsters who sold hot goods on the side.

11. No One Likes To Pick On An Invalid (0:54:27)

Ricky thinks they will give up, but can Karl find out who was on the Sonys panel? Let them explain themselves. Karl makes one of his more memorable digs at Steve.


Me younger brother spotted you the other day. J.S.
That champagne belongs to the boxer's kid. A.M.
The vibrators. B.


Steve: I don't think we're ever gonna win an award for our personalities. I think that's where we're going wrong.

Ricky: What are you gonna spend your 80 quid on?

Ricky: We had a meeting yesterday .. we thought we'd better plan it a bit. We're gonna offer Karl money to do stuff.
Steve: That's the quality of the ideas!

Karl: Are you a coupla benders?

Ricky: And we've still got Karl to take off my sock .. go on then, just take --
Karl: Not whilst Coldplay are here.

Ricky: What've we done? We've done 'Take My Shoes Off For Money'. We've done that, we've done 'Ooh! Look At Those Funny Postcard Breasts!' and we've done 'We Didn't Win A Sony' ... We've got nothing, have we?

Steve: Did they type nothing from any of the Tarzan books?


Badly Drawn Boy - All Possibilities
Rolling Stones - Brown Sugar
Red Hot Chili Peppers - By the Way
Coldplay - In My Place
Freda Payne - Band of Gold
Radiohead - There There
The Band - Across the Great Divide
Turin Brakes - Painkiller
Joe Jackson - Different for Girls
U2 - Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out of
The Vines - Homesick
Cat Stevens - Peace Train
The Smiths - There Is a Light That Never Goes Out


This show features Steve and Ricky discussing novelty pens with a woman whose clothes 'fall off', and Steve remarks on how embarrassing it would be to be caught masturbating over it. They enacted a similar scenario in the second season of Extras years later, with Steve's character Darren Lamb caught in his office with such a pen.

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...