19 April 2003/Transcript

This is a transcription of the 19 April 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

He's Packing Margarine

Song: U2 – Beautiful Day

Ricky: Bono, you should be a weatherman, because once again you’ve predicted, uh, wrongly. It’s not a beautiful day at all, is it Stephen?

Steve: (laughing) Ooh ho ho, quite.

Ricky: That was U2. XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgess.

Steve: Claire Sturgess in for Karl Pilkington.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington is…

Claire: uh…

Ricky: On holiday.

Steve: Sunning himself.

Ricky: As we speak.

Steve: Where is, Where’s he gone? Mauritius, you said?

Ricky: Madeira.

Steve: Madeira.

Ricky: I think, with um, uh… his girlfriend’s parents.

Steve: (laughing) Ooh…

Ricky: You remember last week he was uh, worried. They’d never been abroad and uh, her dad was saying how… (mumbling) to pack teabags.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Karl was going, ‘to get them over there’. And he was going, ‘put a couple in a jar’. He goes, ‘put’m in a jar’. I phoned him up in the week, uh, just before he went, I think Friday. I said, ‘Have a nice time.’ And uh, Sunday, and he said, uh, ‘Guess what he’s doing now. ‘

Claire and Steve laugh

Ricky: I said, ‘what?’ He said, ‘He’s packin’ margarine.’

Steve: (laughing) Ha ha, of course he is.

Ricky and Steve sigh

Ricky and Steve: Bless him.

Steve: My dad does that. My parent’s always take uh, teabags wherever they’re going.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: For fear of, of there being some kind of teabag drought in France.

Ricky: Yeah…

Steve: You know.

Ricky: Is it, is it wrong, but I mean…

Steve: I don’t know, is it because maybe English breakfast tea you can’t get over there, so—

Ricky: But you can.

Steve: Can you though? I mean—

Ricky: You can.

Claire: You can get PG Tips.

Ricky: Tea is probably the single most popular drink in the world.

Steve: I know but what about the foreign, the fancy foreign teas, your Earl Greys and the like?

Ricky: Well, I don’t know.

Steve: ‘Cus I want good English breakfast. Don’t bother me with Earl Grey. I don’t know what that cup of tea is. It’s not tea to me. It’s just, it’s laughable. It’s weak, it’s pathetic, it’s just, it’s…ugh.

Ricky: I, d’know what? Earl Grey with a little bit of skim milk isn’t so bad.

Steve: Oh yeah?

Claire laughs

Ricky: Oh and—

Steve: And is your husband a fan?

Ricky cackles

Ricky: We’ve started.

Steve: Aye?

Ricky: It’s all off already.

Steve: All right, we can get started.

Ricky: Banter, having a little go at each other. Sometimes sort of pretending, you know…

Steve: Sometimes pretending we’re not close mates. Not close personal friends.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. All that innuendo ‘n that.

Steve: Oh, smutty. smutty.

Ricky: (spluttering) Freaky goggle-eyed thing…

Steve: all right, once again, it’s …

Ricky: (serious) I go too far.

Steve: Ruin it. Ruining it.

Ricky: I sometimes go too far. I do ruin it when I go too far.

Claire laughs in the background

Steve: Thank you very much.

Ricky: I can be nice—well. Let’s have a bit of Blur.

Steve: Oooh, clever man. Clever man.

Song: Blur – Out of Time

I'm Quite a Weak Child

Ricky: We’re not out of time, we’ve got a whole hour and 50 minutes to go, on the Ricky Gervaise, Steve Merchant show. Xfm 104.

Steve: I vote we have one of those every record. They’re great, aren’t they?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: It’s just…

Steve: I think if you were actually like a proper DJ, if you actually tried to do the Doctor Fox thing I think you’d be quite good.

Ricky: Really? But I think I could only survive doing that, sort of, um, post 11pm. (in DJ voice) Ooh… quiet things down now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I love all that…

Steve: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Late night radio.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. That,.. sort… that American jock type thing as well, um… I listen to Saga Radio now sometimes.

Steve: What?

Ricky: It’s on digital. I think it’s radio for the over 50s.

Steve: Yeah.

Claire laughs in the background.

Ricky: It plays all… it was playing Cliff Richard this morning. It played, um, Sammy Davis Jr. It played, um, Beatles “Here Comes The Sun”. And I was loving it.

Steve: Well, yeah.

Ricky: And I was thinking…

Steve: Well It’s aimed at your age group.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Yeah, exactly. And I’ve got a bad back. I have been complaing of a bad back all week. He’ been ill.

Steve: Oh, don’t even start with me.

Ricky: We… we haven’t worked this week. He’s been ill with the flu.

Steve: I’m still not… bad… I… ah… Wednesday morning I think it was… I woke up, I had the head the sore throat the aching body. And I… d’you know I immediately thought “I’ve got the SARS” virus. I really did I genui… ‘cause I’ve always been a bit of a hypochondriac. I mean, Ricky pretends to be but I genuinely was petrified.

Ricky: No… that doesn’t make sense does it? How can you pretend to be a hypochondriac. No, I am a hy… I am a hypochondriac and you are genuinely always ill. You’re always sort of… you’ve always got a bit of a snuff…

Steve: So I’ve got… so I’m justified in thinking it might be the SARS virus.

Ricky: You’re a sickly child, I don’t know whats happened to you.

Steve: Exactly. Well I think I will be…

Ricky: It’s something to do with West Country breeding and... you haven’t… I don’t know, no he hasn’t got normal, sort of… barriers to sort of, flu and cold.

Claire: So his immune system is all shot…

Ricky: Claire, look at him.

Steve: I am… I’m quite a weak child.

Claire: Yeah, I know.

Steve: I’ll probably die in a garret, having written some bloody brilliant poetry.

Ricky and Claire laugh.

Steve: And then I’ll die of consumption.

Ricky: Yeah… of consumption, yeah.

Steve: But anyway, so I got online to check out what exactly the symptoms of the SARS virus were. And, ah…

Claire: Seriously?

Steve: Seriously, I did. I was so panicked and I went straight online and it was exactly what I had. It’s a, ah…

Ricky: Well it is a strain of flu, that’s why.

Steve: Exactly..Exactly..That was the thing. That's what I had. So, i was thinking to myself, coz it said incubation period between 2 and 7 days so i thought where have I been that i could have maybe got contact with people from. And then I thought, wait a minute BAFTAS, I think I brushed against a couple of guys from Banzai

Ricky: I know

Claire laughs

Steve: I’m thinking, ‘hang on

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: Wait a minute, that makes sense

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Yeah

Steve: And, so, I was suddenly getting a little bit edgy because a lot of, um, there was a lot of people, there's like fifty hundred people at the BAFTAs, so any one of them could be carrying it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So, I was really just panicked, but you know, I didn’t immediately rush to the doctor’s.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Because you’ve got to wait for ages down there, uh, Dr. Shaw’s brilliant but you’ve got to queue up for ages because it’s downing them—it’s Scottish where i live-- I’ll tell you, there’s some . . . in there in the waiting room.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Oh, man alive—people who’ve just gone in there to read the magazines and they just, sat there, ooh, there’s some people who just waste the doctor’s time and that’s what annoys me. A lot of old people a lot of . . . who just waste people’s time.

Ricky: I know. I-I-I went into, uh, accident emergency once cause I done my leg in and I tell, you look around and you think, 'oh, look around at all these people,’ I don’t think they should be--they, hardly of any of them won't handcuff to someone.

Steve: Exactly.

Clair laughs in the background

Ricky: You know what I mean? Go to casual on a Friday night and it's like, 'ooh...awful'.

Steve: Yeah, and there's ahh -- I mean it's that thing, well, I could either go to Dr. Shaw but that's NHS or I could go to, uh, one of the Medi centers...they charge money, Claire.

Claire: Mmm.

Steve: And I mean I know it's a killer disease but you know I’m not making cash.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: He's dealt with it, ya.

Steve: I mean, what if it isn't, that’s what . . .