19 April 2003/Transcript

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This is a transcription of the 19 April 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

He's Packing Margarine

Song: U2 – Beautiful Day

Ricky: Bono, you should be a weatherman, because once again you’ve predicted, uh, wrongly. It’s not a beautiful day at all, is it Stephen?

Steve: (laughing) Ooh ho ho, quite.

Ricky: That was U2. XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Claire Sturgess.

Steve: Claire Sturgess in for Karl Pilkington.

Ricky: Karl Pilkington is…

Claire: uh…

Ricky: On holiday.

Steve: Sunning himself.

Ricky: As we speak.

Steve: Where is, Where’s he gone? Mauritius, you said?

Ricky: Madeira.

Steve: Madeira.

Ricky: I think, with um, uh… his girlfriend’s parents.

Steve: (laughing) Ooh…

Ricky: You remember last week he was uh, worried. They’d never been abroad and uh, her dad was saying how… (mumbling) to pack teabags.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Karl was going, ‘to get them over there’. And he was going, ‘put a couple in a jar’. He goes, ‘put’m in a jar’. I phoned him up in the week, uh, just before he went, I think Friday. I said, ‘Have a nice time.’ And uh, Sunday, and he said, uh, ‘Guess what he’s doing now. ‘

Claire and Steve laugh

Ricky: I said, ‘what?’ He said, ‘He’s packin’ margarine.’

Steve: (laughing) Ha ha, of course he is.

Ricky and Steve sigh

Ricky and Steve: Bless him.

Steve: My dad does that. My parent’s always take uh, teabags wherever they’re going.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: For fear of, of there being some kind of teabag drought in France.

Ricky: Yeah…

Steve: You know.

Ricky: Is it, is it wrong, but I mean…

Steve: I don’t know, is it because maybe English breakfast tea you can’t get over there, so—

Ricky: But you can.

Steve: Can you though? I mean—

Ricky: You can.

Claire: You can get PG Tips.

Ricky: Tea is probably the single most popular drink in the world.

Steve: I know but what about the foreign, the fancy foreign teas, your Earl Greys and the like?

Ricky: Well, I don’t know.

Steve: ‘Cus I want good English breakfast. Don’t bother me with Earl Grey. I don’t know what that cup of tea is. It’s not tea to me. It’s just, it’s laughable. It’s weak, it’s pathetic, it’s just, it’s…ugh.

Ricky: I, d’know what? Earl Grey with a little bit of skim milk isn’t so bad.

Steve: Oh yeah?

Claire laughs

Ricky: Oh and—

Steve: And is your husband a fan?

Ricky cackles

Ricky: We’ve started.

Steve: Aye?

Ricky: It’s all off already.

Steve: All right, we can get started.

Ricky: Banter, having a little go at each other. Sometimes sort of pretending, you know…

Steve: Sometimes pretending we’re not close mates. Not close personal friends.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. All that innuendo ‘n that.

Steve: Oh, smutty. smutty.

Ricky: (spluttering) Freaky goggle-eyed thing…

Steve: all right, once again, it’s …

Ricky: (serious) I go too far.

Steve: Ruin it. Ruining it.

Ricky: I sometimes go too far. I do ruin it when I go too far.

Claire laughs in the background

Steve: Thank you very much.

Ricky: I can be nice—well. Let’s have a bit of Blur.

Steve: Oooh, clever man. Clever man.

Song: Blur – Out of Time

I'm Quite a Weak Child

Ricky: We’re not out of time, we’ve got a whole hour and 50 minutes to go, on the Ricky Gervaise, Steve Merchant show. Xfm 104.

Steve: I vote we have one of those every record. They’re great, aren’t they?

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: It’s just…

Steve: I think if you were actually like a proper DJ, if you actually tried to do the Doctor Fox thing I think you’d be quite good.

Ricky: Really? But I think I could only survive doing that, sort of, um, post 11pm. (in DJ voice) Ooh… quiet things down now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I love all that…

Steve: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Late night radio.

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah. That,.. sort… that American jock type thing as well, um… I listen to Saga Radio now sometimes.

Steve: What?

Ricky: It’s on digital. I think it’s radio for the over 50s.

Steve: Yeah.

Claire laughs in the background.

Ricky: It plays all… it was playing Cliff Richard this morning. It played, um, Sammy Davis Jr. It played, um, Beatles “Here Comes The Sun”. And I was loving it.

Steve: Well, yeah.

Ricky: And I was thinking…

Steve: Well It’s aimed at your age group.

Ricky laughs.

Ricky: Yeah, exactly. And I’ve got a bad back. I have been complaing of a bad back all week. He’ been ill.

Steve: Oh, don’t even start with me.

Ricky: We… we haven’t worked this week. He’s been ill with the flu.

Steve: I’m still not… bad… I… ah… Wednesday morning I think it was… I woke up, I had the head the sore throat the aching body. And I… d’you know I immediately thought “I’ve got the SARS” virus. I really did I genui… ‘cause I’ve always been a bit of a hypochondriac. I mean, Ricky pretends to be but I genuinely was petrified.

Ricky: No… that doesn’t make sense does it? How can you pretend to be a hypochondriac. No, I am a hy… I am a hypochondriac and you are genuinely always ill. You’re always sort of… you’ve always got a bit of a snuff…

Steve: So I’ve got… so I’m justified in thinking it might be the SARS virus.

Ricky: You’re a sickly child, I don’t know whats happened to you.

Steve: Exactly. Well I think I will be…

Ricky: It’s something to do with West Country breeding and... you haven’t… I don’t know, no he hasn’t got normal, sort of… barriers to sort of, flu and cold.

Claire: So his immune system is all shot…

Ricky: Claire, look at him.

Steve: I am… I’m quite a weak child.

Claire: Yeah, I know.

Steve: I’ll probably die in a garret, having written some bloody brilliant poetry.

Ricky and Claire laugh.

Steve: And then I’ll die of consumption.

Ricky: Yeah… of consumption, yeah.

Steve: But anyway, so I got online to check out what exactly the symptoms of the SARS virus were. And, ah…

Claire: Seriously?

Steve: Seriously, I did. I was so panicked and I went straight online and it was exactly what I had. It’s a, ah…

Ricky: Well it is a strain of flu, that’s why.

Steve: Exactly..Exactly..That was the thing. That's what I had. So, I was thinking to myself, coz it said incubation period between 2 and 7 days so i thought where have I been that i could have maybe got contact with people from. And then I thought, wait a minute BAFTAS. I think I brushed against a couple of guys from Banzai.

Ricky: I know.

Claire laughs

Steve: I’m thinking, ‘hang on.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Wait a minute, that makes sense.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And, so, I was suddenly getting a little bit edgy because a lot of, um, there was a lot of people, there's like fifty hundred people at the BAFTAs, so any one of them could be carrying it.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So, I was really just panicked, but you know, I didn’t immediately rush to the doctor’s.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Because you’ve got to wait for ages down there, uh, Dr. Shaw’s brilliant, but you’ve got to queue up for ages because it’s downing them—it’s Scottish where I live-- I’ll tell you, there’s some . . . in there in the waiting room.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Oh, man alive—people who’ve gone in there to read the magazines and they just, sat there, it's, ooh, there’s some people who just waste the doctor’s time and that’s what annoys me. A lot of old people, a lot of . . . who just waste people’s time.

Ricky: I know. I-I-I went into, uh, accident emergency once cause I done my leg in and I tell, you look around and you think, 'oh, look around at all these people, I don’t think they should be--they, hardly of any of them won't handcuff to someone.

Steve: Exactly.

Clair laughs in the background

Ricky: You know what I mean? Go to casual on a Friday night and it's like, 'ooh...awful'.

Steve: Yeah, and there's ahh -- and, so, I mean it's that thing, well, I could either go to Dr. Shaw but that's NHS or I could go to, uh, one of the Medi centers...they charge money, Claire.

Claire: Mmm.

Steve: And I mean I know it's a killer disease but you know I’m not making cash.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: He's dealt with it, ya.

Steve: I mean, what if it isn't, that’s what's wasted!

Ricky: Yeah, ya don't need your money back, do you?

Steve: I mean, I really needed'em to say, 'you've got the deadly SARS virus, 'fraid it's going to be worth the eighty quid.

Claire: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: Exactly.

Steve: And I suspected that, you know, it's fifty-fifty, but I decided not--I decided to ride it out.

Claire laughs in the background.

Steve: And, um, thankfully, so far, I'm alright--

Claire: No, you lookin' alright, yeah.

Ricky: No, you're awright, you're awright, you're awright. Yeah. Yeah, well that's--that's lucky. So, um--

Steve: I know, so, um, I phoned 'em up and I said, uh, 'I don't think I can work', and I mean...uhh, Ricky's a close friend of mine. I've known him for some now, and I really consider him to be one of my best mates, but--I be honest with you, you didn't rush around with a bowl of soup. Did you?

Ricky: I don't want to catch it, do I? There's no point in both of us being ill.

Steve: Well, this is the implication--it wasn't the, it wasn't the, it wasn't that you explicitly said in this relationship you're the one that's expendable.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: But, but that was the kind of that was sort of the underlying suggestion of itself

Ricky laughs

Ricky: No, I just thought, to be honest, 'I could do with a day off, as well,' do you know what I mean? I-I-I-I, oh don't worry then. (Whistles merrily) Tennis.

Steve: (chuckles) Yeah.

Claire laughs in the background

Ricky: No, no, but I, um, I-I-I was, uh...

Claire: What's up with your back, then, Rick?

Ricky: I don't know, I think it's just...age. I don't know. I don't get...things seem to...just been...hurts when I tie on my shoelaces. That's why I've got--why I'm wearing clogs.

Claire laughs

Ricky: (laughs) It's-it's so much easier, wore drawstring trousers and clogs. Y'know, um, what--

Steve: You used to go to the doctor a lot more then, you don't tend to do it now.

Ricky: Well, I'm not paranoid anymore. I've-I've two flashes of my--when my, my mum died of cancer. Twice, I think, I said, 'oh, there's a lump'.

Steve: I've when to the doctor twice with him.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: Have you seriously?

Steve: I've seriously sat in the waiting room with him, twice.

Ricky: Well, I just, um, I just, I just--

Claire: Your dear mum.

Ricky: N-no, I just thought, 'oh God,'--I felt, felt them...I didn't mean to do it, then do I?

Steve: No.

Ricky: I actually just touched my...but, I...

Claire laughs

Steve: We should point out, we should point out, that, um, Ricky's mother didn't die of testicular cancer, that'd be just--

Ricky: (laughs) No. Nono, no but I've sort of--I thought, 'oh God, well, now I've got it now', and um...I think I went along ONCE with testicular cancer, didn't I?

Steve: Yeah, and you had the testis problem ONCE. I remember--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: cuz I remember sitting in the waiting room looking through a, an old Argos catalogue with you for some reason. I think that was the only thing...

Ricky: Then I thought I had throat cancer, no?

Steve: Yeah...yeah, so I think you've had a bit of a (coughs).

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Sore throat, didn't you? Or...

Ricky: And then I think, and then I think...'ah, no, I've gotten over that,' and I was just like, 'yeah'. Certainly a bit.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: So, ah, but, um...yeah, It's jus', it's just a bad fact...

Steve: Why were you tinkering around down below? Because, I mean, it wasn't like, it wasn't like I called on you to do some work and you've said, 'I've got to rush to the doctor's', I think it was like lunch time.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: So, you'd almost see me meddling around down there.

Ricky: Well, nonono, I tested a few times and I'm never sure.

Claire: But you should, Steve! You should always check.

Steve: Oh, what, during the day?!

Claire: You should always check.

Steve: Well, I mean, can't you do that when you first get a... not in a restaurant while we're eating dinner!

Ricky laughs

Claire: (laughs) Ye-yea

Ricky: Cert-certainly not forget'n kumquat

Steve: Exactly!

Claire laughs

Ricky: That-that could be so... now, I don't know where me hands were!

Steve: You could be right off me meatballs

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Ooooooh, deeaaaar.

Claire: But, Ricky, just to clear it--you are okay, aren't you?

Ricky: Um, yeea, of course, yeah.

Claire: Just a bad back, yeah? Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, just a bad back, yeah. Let's have a record, shall we?

Steve: I'd love to hear a-

Ricky: Bit of Bruce Springsteen'd be lovely.

Apparently I Looked Like Tattoo From Fantasy Island

Song: Turin Breaks - Painkiller

Ricky: Turin Breaks and "Painkiller" on XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, Claire Sturgess.

Claire: Yeah, no, it's good to be here.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: I'm missing Karl- I'm missing hearing Karl actually.

Ricky: Shouldn't mention him 'cause people will remember then they'll go "oh yeah".

Steve: Yeah.

Claire: I know.

Ricky: We're trying to protect-

Steve: How are you, Sturgess, by the way? We've not really said hello to you.

Claire: I'm- I'm very well, thank you.

Steve: Are you okay?

Claire: Yeah.

Steve: Do you look forward to these occasions when you get to stand in for Karl?

Claire: I do.I get a bit- I get a little bit nervous.

Steve: Is it intimidating?

Claire: It is-

Steve: I imagine-

Claire: No, it is a bit intimidating 'cause he's such- he's such a funny man.

Steve: Mm.

Claire: Um... But, you know, once I'm here I'm okay.

Ricky: Yeah, but he doesn't- he doesn't know he is. It's not like he's doing it on purpose. It's- it's- you know what I mean? So-

Claire: He's just- he's a natural.

Ricky: At least you know what you're saying.

Claire Laughs

Claire: Yeah. Good point.

Ricky: You know?

Claire: Good point.

Ricky: It's not all downhill, is it?

Steve: No, exactly, yeah.

Claire: No, no, it'll be fine. It's only an hour and a half to go, we'll be okay. Can we talk about, um, can we talk about the BAFTAs?

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Steve: Oh, oooh.

Claire: I don't wanna, sort of, go on about the awards and everything.

Steve: Oh, well, uhhh.

Ricky: Oh, I don't like to talk about it.

Claire: No, seriously-

Claire Laughs

Steve: Oh, I don't wanna talk about that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Claire, I mean, um-

Claire: No, 'cause, I-

Ricky: What do you wanna know? What do you wanna know?

Claire: No-

Steve: What do you wanna know? How many we won or?

Claire: Well, of course, we- well, I know how many you won.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: We were all watching, obviously.

Steve: Not- not everyone does, Claire. I mean, you might wanna- you might wanna remind them-

Claire: How many did you win, Steve?

Ricky: What? In all or what? What are you talking about?

Claire Laughs

Steve: You mean- you mean this year and last?

Ricky: It's two now, two last year, four in all.

Claire Groans

Steve: So, it's four in all.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Two of those are Ricky's, specifically his.

Ricky: Yeah.

Claire: No, Steve, what I really wanted to talk about was Ricky's white suit.

Ricky: Oh yeah, okay. Well, listen-

Claire Laughs

Steve: Classy.

Ricky: Well, let- let- let me explain-

Steve: I said to him it's-

Ricky: Well- well- well- well- let- well- nevermind all that.

Claire Laughs

Ricky: One: It's actually, I bought it for a photoshoot, 'cause I'm doing this thing. I got- I got a DVD coming out in October and I'm doing the- I'm doing a spoof of the front cover of Thriller. So, I bought a white suit.

Claire: Nice.

Ricky: And I got it, right? And I thought, well, I might as well wear that then now and get it dry cleaned.

Claire: I thought you'd blagged it you see.

Ricky: I thought when I put it on I thought I looked a bit like Sean Connery as James Bond, apparently I look like Tattoo from Fantasy Island

Claire Laughs

Steve: The little midget guy

Ricky: Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Steve: Sure

Ricky: Which is er you know I did watch it back and you know there are some resemblances at one point I did go 'de plan' I don't know why though...

Steve: He suggested he was going to wear it I said that's crazy I said it's madness 'cus I just knew it would come back and haunt me, it's just..

Ricky: I got away with it though

Steve: Well I did you?

Ricky: No

A Toast! To Des O'Connor!

What Karl Would Have Wanted

The Public Are Stupid

Waiting to Die?

Because the Show is so Carefully Planned

E: I Don't Like Spike Lee. I'm a Racist

Call Your Family and Tell Them It's a Girl

Happy Egg