05 April 2003/Transcript

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This is a transcript of the 05 April 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 2

Karl Has Had a Little Strop On

Song: Coldplay - Clocks

Ricky: (Smooth DJ Voice) Hickory dickory dock, some lads, there, just wrote a song called "Clocks". The lads are Coldplay.

Steve Chuckles

Steve: (Chuckling) And the song is?

Ricky: "Clocks".

Steve: Beautiful.

Ricky: I'm Ricky Gervais. With me: Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington pressing the little buttons, there.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Hmph.

Ricky: XFM 104.9. What's that? What's that little "Mmm"? Well...

Karl: I think I do more than just press the buttons.

Ricky: Right, you see this is- this is it, right. Karl has had a little strop on since last night, okay? And he's--

Steve: He's had a little strop on?

Ricky: Yeah--

Ricky Cackles

Steve Laughs

Steve: You did- you said, "strop on".

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I just wanted to clarify.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: And, uhh, it's- I don't- I don't know why. He says that I'm an annoying person.

Steve: Yeeah, mmm...

Ricky: He says that I wind him up, right. Uhm, which I don't know, he says that you're- you're winding him up because you're, sort of, like, negative about everything--

Steve: I'm negative?!

Ricky: Yeah. And, uhm, what I think it is is cuz we pointed out that his lateness is unacceptable.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He said, "Meet you at six." He turned up at twenty past. He said, "Well, someone stopped me in the corridor." I don't care.

Karl: I've got stuff to do.

Ricky: Y--

Karl: I'm head of production here--

Ricky: We had stuff to do! I think we're a bit busier than you, Karl! You've got one job, we've got loads of jobs. I keep tellin' ya that. You got one job in a little room, a 9 to 5, there that you don't even get done in 9 to 5, that's why you're late and mucking around all the time.

Karl: Yeah, cuz there's loads of work to do.

Ricky: Yeah. One job.

Karl: Right. No, it's not. It's- it's one job with a lot of other jobs in it. It's like those little Russian dolls you get.

Steve Chuckles Slightly

Karl: Right?

Ricky: Well it's not, is it?

Karl: So, don't have a go- yeah it is.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Everyone thinks, "Oh, he only sits in the studio, messin' about, making 'Songs of Phrase'." That's what I do in me free time.

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: Which we've got comin' up later.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: Super slick.

Ricky Continues Laughing

Ricky: Ahh, dear.

Steve: I still think twenty minutes late is an outrage though, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah, twenty minutes late is--

Karl: Yeah, but I didn't say, "bang on six". I said, "around six".

Ricky: You said, "six"! No, you didn't. You said, "six", which means six.

Karl: Well, it doesn't.

Steve: W- what?!

Ricky: W- sorry, it doesn't?!

Karl: If I was a newsreader I'd say, "Yeah, you've got to be on time." Do you know what I mean? If it was the six o'clock news, I wouldn't want to be late. But it's the fact that I said to ya, "I'm busy, I've got stuff to do--"

Ricky: No, no, you didn't say that, you said, uhh, "six o'clock?... to sort out tomorrow's show?"

Karl: Nahhh, I didn't. I know what I said, so...

Ricky: Yeah, w- well...

Steve: (Mocking) Whaa-aa-aa, no you don't. Because I remember you sent me a text, you didn't even- it wasn't even a phone call--

Ricky: Awwww--

Steve: You didn't even have the politeness to call!

Ricky: Stephen has stitched him up by being a little more precise than him.

Steve: It was a text. It was a text and it said, uhh, "see you around six tomorrow, question mark".


Karl: "Around". You just said it. "Around six".

Steve: Well, yeah, but it- it doe- that doesn't count- that doesn't mean anything!

Ricky: Well, yeah, no, it does.

Steve: What, so, let- all right, Rick--

Ricky: You told me he said six.

Steve: Well, he did. I'm- I'm paraphrasing. Six o'clock, Rick... to me- ar- even if it was "around six o'clock" that would be five to six or five past six. It would not be twenty minutes after the event.


Steve: Cuz that is late.

Karl: Well...

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Steve: Well, you can't even- you can't e- you've got nothing, you see. You haven't even got an excuse.

Karl: Yeah, but then I turned up--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Right, and I said, "Right, well, let's not argue about this, let's come up with some good new features cuz we're binning, uhh, 'Cheap as Chimps'--"

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: That's gone today.

Steve: Good news.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He ne- he never liked "Cheap as Chimps", Karl, did he?

Karl: No. Right, he never liked it. Do you know what?

Ricky: What?

Karl: Do you know who's took it further?

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Donal MacIntyre.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) What?!

Karl: He's doin'- he's doin' a program "Cheap as Chimps".

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) No, he's not!

Steve: No, he's not doing a progr--

Karl: Channel f- well- well, we'll see again. I'll prove you right again.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He's- he's not--

Karl: Prove you wrong again.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He's not doing a program "Cheap as Chimps", is he? He's not! What do you mean?!

Karl: He's doing- I saw a trail on Channel 5 and it was sayin, you know--

Ricky: Is it 5 or about 20 past 5?

Karl: "He's do- doin' this, he's done that" - you know - "now see him on Channel 5 because he's moved to Channel 5--"

Ricky: Right.

Karl: It was sayin', "First big problem: eh, chimps..." - you know - "they're dear and that and, uhh--"

Steve Laughs

Ricky: No, they're not dear. He's a- g- g- g- g- gettin' confused.

Karl: No. No. F- f- fifty-odd grand for a chimp and it's sayin'--

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: You know, he'll look into how much you can get a gorilla for.

Ricky: What are you- WHAT ARE- in the name of God, are you talking about?

Karl: I'm gonna talk about that later.

Ricky: But, I don't know wh- I don't know wh- wh--

Karl: I'm just sayin' that that's another idea that's- that and BBC 2--

Ricky: And yeah, yeah, yeah, so, go on- you've gotta- this is why you never get stuff done and you're late--

Karl: Yeah--

Ricky: You got off the point. You were talking about arriving late!

Karl: Yeah, I know, but I'm just sayin' to ya now. I'm just sayin' I turned up late so I said, "Right, well let's not argue--"

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I said, "Let's do some stuff"!

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You weren't havin' any of it. I think at one point you were trying to be sick on me leg.

Ricky Wheezes with Laughter

Steve: I do remember that.

Karl: Yeah?

Ricky Continues Laughing

Ricky: (Laughing) Why? Just- just for fun?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Oh, right.

Karl: I- so that's when I started gettin' annoyed.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: He was very annoyed last night.

Ricky: (Laughing) Now, uh, I- d- yeah, okay. Yeah, I- I could see where that could be annoyin' but you've just got to think, "Hey look, so what? He's-", you know...

Karl: Well- well--

Steve: I think you rub each other up the wrong way.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: That's the problem.

Karl: Well, no more "Cheap as Chimps" today.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: All right.

Karl: We've got nothing to replace it because we didn't have a chat.

Steve: Mmhm.

Karl: "Songs of Phrase" - we're doin' that, you can win some stuff.

Ricky: Yeah, we've got the film that we haven't done for the past two weeks.

Karl: Got the- the final film, we won't be doin' that anymore.

Ricky: Let- lettin' them down. That's two weeks- let's say two weeks late on that.

Karl: We're doin' that.

Steve: Can I just ask, guys, is there going to be some great music?

Ricky: Yeah. Well, I've got some--

Steve: What about something from the On- Only Ones?

Ricky: Yeah- yeah- yeah--

Steve: The classic "Another Girl Another Planet".

Ricky: "Another Girl Another Planet". "Planet". "Planet". "Planet."

Steve: Brilliant.

Song: Only Ones - Another Girl Another Planet

I've Seen Most Parts of Your Body Now

Ricky: "Another Girl Another Planet" by the Only Ones on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me: Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl, cheer up! Come on. There's a war on. Chill out.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: I have to say, you- you have become increasingly annoying, uh, recently, Rick--

Ricky: Who, me?

Steve: I think- yeah, chiefly- I'll tell you what it is, I think it's the- the hot weather. Can I just draw- just remind you, when we were in the office recently - we've got a little office that we write in and we work in - and, ehhm, many, many moons ago, uh, we were doing some work - this was when we were f- writin' the first series of the, uh, "The Office" - and, uh, I was typin' away, I was just typing something up we've written. And I read it back to Ricky, uh, just to check he was happy with everything. I was reading it back and, uhhh, as part of the thing there was a knock in the script, it said, you know, "knock" and I- so I was acting it out for him and I knocked (Knocks on the Desk) like this and I realized he wasn't listening, he was, in fact, asleep underneath his desk and he- I knocked (Knocks on the Desk) like that as part of, uhh, you know, reading the stage directions- I knocked, he thought someone was coming in, he leapt up, clunked his head, zipped up, thought someone- I said, "Rick, it's not- I'm just acting that out for you."

Ricky Giggles

Steve: He just wasn't paying attention--

Ricky: I--

Steve: He wasn't listening and can I just draw- so, recently we're in a- we're in another office, we're typin' away, a-da-da-da, uh, I look 'round, he's got his shirt off.

Ricky: It was hot.

Steve: He's taken his shirt off, right, so he's sat there, 41 year old man or whatever you are- 40 year old man there with his shirt out- beautiful. I mean, I've seen most parts of your body now at one point or another--

Ricky Giggles

Steve: I think in the early days when we used to work at XFM you started showing me bits of your anatomy which is something he does to (Laughing Slightly) people he likes, friends of his. I'm sure you're seen most of it, Karl.

Karl: No.

Steve: And so, uhm, he's sat there--

Ricky: It's not that sort of relationship. Go on.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: He's sat there and (Laughing Slightly) there's a knock at the door because we'd asked someone who worked in the building to bring us something (Laughing Slightly) and so I had to delay it by, sort of, not opening the door so he could get his shirt back on--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And so he was running around trying to get his shirt back on--

Ricky: What would they have thought? What would they have thought?

Steve: They'd of walked in, he'd of been sat there stripped to the waist--

Karl: Didn't they, sort of, think, "hang on, what's going on?", look through the key hole...

Ricky: No. No.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: Awww.

Steve: It was ludicrous because as they came in, he, sort- he was flustered and he, kind of, was just leaning against the window--

Ricky Chuckles

Steve: Just looking like, "I often stand here with my, uhh- my shirt back to front."

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I'm getting like Bernard Manning. When you see Bernard Manning, whenever he goes into a house he has to go upstairs to take his trousers off.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) I love that. The fact that in your house you've just got your pants and your vest on. That's what you want to do.

Karl: Yeah, but it's- it's all the time, it's not just- I mean, you haven't done that with me - takin' your clothes off and that - yet, but, like, last night we were sat in the pub and I was sayin', "Right, you know, let's not even worry about new features then, let's- let's get the current ones, you know, going. And get them good."

Ricky: Like what?

Karl: Like...

Karl Exhales

Karl: The one that I was trying to work out: "The", uh, "Cheaky Freak of the Week".

Ricky: (Laughing) Think of that!

Steve Chuckles

Karl: Yeah, but I was sayin'--

Ricky: Think of that, though as a normal conversation!

Karl: Yeah, but--

Ricky: As a- a--

Karl: I looked online, right, I didn't find that much. I found, uh- actually I'll tell you what I found later. Brilliant. Uhhh--

Ricky Laughs

Karl: But lookin' for them, right--

Ricky Continues Laughing

Karl: And, uhh, then at one point I think you said to me, "Go and" - you know - "What about the Guiness Book of Records?" - you know - "They'll- they'll have like--"

Ricky: Yeah. Loads of--

Karl: The- the best freak of the--

Ricky: Yeah. Yeah.

Karl: In the world or whatever--

Ricky: Yeah, ever.

Karl: So, uhh, I said, "Yeah, yeah, bring one in." Now, you've got one at home...

Ricky: Yeah, I've got a couple.

Karl: But you couldn't be bothered carrying that in today so I had to go out of the pub that I was at...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Nip into Borders...

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Buy a Guiness Book of Records--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Out of me own money--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: 18.99.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Bring it back, and then you said, "Ah, I don't know if I want to do this feature."

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: So it cost me 20 quid for that, I had to buy a video for "Silence of the Lambs" film clip.

Ricky Giggles

Karl: I'm actually out of pocket at the end of this.

Ricky and Steve Giggle

Ricky: But, do you want to work with me, is the thing. If you want to work with a- people would pay that sort of money to work with me, Karl. You're a lucky bloke. Think of how many people think, "Ahh, Karl, he gets to- gets to drink and sit..."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You were making a cup of tea and I surprised you, didn't I? Little surpr- it's little surprises.

Karl: Steve, you know last night... do you know when I left the pub in a bit of a mood--

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Cuz I- just fed up with not gettin' anything done?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Walking down the road, I was thinking, "How can I get out of this?"

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: "How can I stop havin' to work with him?" And thinking, "I wonder if I- if I leave, I wonder if they'll be funny and they'll go and then me boss will be giving me stick...", and thinking, "How much notice have I got to give? How- how-". And all this is going through me mind, I'm walking home and I got in, said to Suzanne, "I'm sick of it." She's going, "You need to do it, I want to get a new kitchen."

Ricky Explodes with Laughter

Karl: And I was like, "Yeah, but how big does the kitchen need to be?" I was sayin', "Do we need a big kitchen? Can we get a small one? Have we got enough for a small kitchen?"

Ricky Continues Laughing

Karl: "Do we need so many cupboards? Can we just have wood instead of steel?" All of this trying to get out of doing this.

Steve: Yeah. It's almost a sh- I always feel I- you know, cuz I- I like to think that I'm not perhaps as bad as him.

Ricky: Yeah, I know.

Karl: You annoy me in different ways.

Steve: Nice.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Like what? How does he annoy ya?

Karl: Well, stuff- stuff that, you know- I come up with ideas, say "Cheap as Chimps"--

Steve: Yeah. Yes.

Karl: Uh, "Rockbusters" springs to mind.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah. I like wh--

Karl: Uhh, "Fifteen Taiwan". Uhh...

Ricky Giggles

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) "Fifteen Taiwan". Let's just remind people what "Fifteen Taiwan" was.

Karl: It was a little feature that I wanted to give a run, you know- give it a little run, see if people like it. Ehh--

Steve: The premise being?

Ricky: No, there's no premise, just the title.

Karl: No, we were gonna get fifteen, sort of, ornaments, you'd explain them...

Ricky Laughs Quietly

Karl: And then people would call up and say--

Ricky: (Laughing) On radio.

Karl: "That one's from Taiwan."

Steve: See! Karl, you've just explained why I didn't think that was a good idea!

Karl: Yeah, but you--

Steve: By explaining the good- the--

Ricky: No--

Karl: Do you know what the funny thing is, Steve, right? I was walking down Regent Street on Monday... Walked past one of these big stores, right, and they got all famous quote- quotes on the windows, right.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And one of them was something like "An absurd idea is often a great idea."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Do you know who said that?

Steve: Go on.

Karl: Einstein.

Steve: Yes.

Karl: Which made me wonder... if you were his mate, would he ever have done "E equals mc squared"?

Ricky Snickers

Karl: Or would you have said, "Don't bother with that. It's not gonna work." Cuz that's all you seem to do. Everything I come up with--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: You put down.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Well, that's one thing: he's negative, right. I don't know- I don't know why- I don't know why he's- he is. What else?

Karl: He messes me about. I get him concert tickets for stuff and--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And you say, "Oh, I didn't bother going."

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah, that is annoying.

Karl: You come in, you know, with 5 minutes to go with tracks that need editing.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: The little bag. That bag that was free.

Karl: Yeah, you got a free bag today--

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: An XFM, little rucksack thing.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You were like, "Ooh, what's this- what's this rubbish?"

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: Ricky said, "I'll have it! They're great!", you said, "No, I want it!"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Well it was free. I need it. I'll give it as a gift or something.

Karl: Well...

Ricky: So... So, I mean, I think on reflection, Steve is probably a little more annoyin' than me.


Karl: Mmm.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: I w- I won't go that far.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Karl: You are- you are annoyin'. If I had to go away for a week somewhere...

Ricky: Yeh.

Karl: If it was a quiet place--

Ricky: Well, you are again, aren't ya? That's two holidays you had this week- this year, I mean.

Karl: If it was a busy place, I'd probably go with you cuz people - do you know what I mean - starin' at me all the time and that if I'm walkin' around with Steve.

Ricky Explodes With Laughter

Ricky: (Laughing) Play a record!!!

Karl: No, I'm just--

Ash - "There's a Star" Begins to Play

Ricky Continues to Laugh

Steve: Can I draw up a list of reasons I don't like you, Karl?

Ricky Continues Laughing

Karl: Just being honest.

Steve: Well... I'll tell you, cuz the list of reasons I don't like you is incredibly long. And gettin' longer.

Karl: I'm just sayin'.

Ricky Continues Laughing

Steve: Want another slap?

Song: Ash - There's a Star

You Can Be Sick On My Leg After

Ricky: "There's a Star". Ash, XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington. Karl...

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: All right, let's start again. Yeah? I'm gonna be the same but let's start again.

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: So, what I mean is: stop being grumpy and let's let me carry on bein'... annoyin'.

Karl: Mmm.

Ricky: Cuz Steve's not gonna change... He's not gonna suddenly start going, "You know what Karl, I think your ideas are really good." Do you know what I mean?

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: (Giggling) Remember when he came up with that idea- that gameshow idea--

Steve Makes a Sound of Disgust

Ricky: (Giggling) And you went- you went, "Well, it's not an idea, Karl." and he came to me and said- he said, "Ahh, I've had it with Steve." "What's it?" He went, "How did 'The Office' ever get on telly?"

Ricky Giggles

Steve: Well, what was the idea again in summary?

Karl: I don't want to talk about it on-air cuz someone will nick it.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: No, they won't!

Karl: They will! Donal MacIntyre's already got "Cheap as Chimps"!

Ricky Wheezes Laughter

Karl: I can sort- I bet they're in the making of "Rockbusters" as we speak.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Karl: So, I'm not- I'm not gonna tell you anymore about it because that idea--

Ricky: I reckon Bob Holness is probably nickin' that idea.

Steve: Exactly.

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Cheaky little... Right...

Karl: "Songs of Phrase" comin' soon.

Ricky: Is it?

Karl: Yeh.

Ricky: Yeah? What is it this week? What's the- what's the phrase?

Karl: We're, uhmm, remember the story I told ya ages ago about, uhh--

Ricky Snickers

Karl: About me neighbor havin' a horse in her house?

Ricky: Oh, yeah.

Steve: Havin' a hor- yeah. A horse in--

Ricky: Uh- uh- uh- what's happened with that? Is Lenny Henry doing it as a series?

Karl: So, uh, hah--

Ricky: People are nickin' your ideas left, right and center.

Karl: Well, that's- that's the phrase we'll be usin', anyway.

Ricky: What?

Karl: Uhh, "Me neighbor had a horse in her house."

Ricky: How many words is that?!

Karl: 6.


Ricky: (Counting) My, nieghbor, had... So, there's no grammar either.

Steve Snickers

Ricky: "My neighbor had horse in house."

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: "My neighbor had horse in house."

Steve Giggles

Ricky: What- i- right... What is the phrase?

Karl: "Me neighbor had a horse in her house."

Ricky: "Had a- had" Is there- oh- are there any prepositions?

Steve: (Laughing) Let's wait 'til we hear it.

Ricky: Are there any prepositions in this sentence?

Steve: Look, don't judge it beforehand--

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: You see, I'm turning over a new leaf. I think this is a great idea, I think Karl's a genius and I look forward to hearing this enormously.

Ricky: Yeah, okay, and I won't be sick on your leg or squeeze your head or make you jump when you're (Laughing) making a cup of tea.

Steve: Just looking through the Guiness Book of Records--

Ricky: (Laughing) That is still the funniest thing, innit? Squeaking at someone when they got a cup of tea.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: Right...

Steve: There are a lot of what strike me as seemingly pointless, uhh, feats... in the records.

Ricky: Uh, the Guiness Book of Records is- right, the Guiness Book of Records is great. I used to- I used to love it as a kid, I've had about 10 copies in my life - the last one I bought a couple of years ago - a present- it was really good. I- I love it. I love the real records: tallest, fattest, thinnest, best, fastest, most expensive, biggest and all that. But the ones that really annoy me are the ones that, the reason these people are in there for it- are the only people that tried.

Steve: What- yeah--

Ricky: Balancing a milk bottle on your head.

Steve: (Reading) "Most Watches Eaten".

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I just found that one.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: (Reading) "Kim Seung Do from South Korea ate 5 watches - the entire watch with the exception of the wrist band - in a time of 1 hour 34 minutes." What do you make of that, Karl?

Ricky: Made him regular.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Come on.

Karl: How did they time him?

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: (Reading) "Most Live Rattlesnakes Held in the Mouth"? Eight live rattlesnakes held by, uhhm, it just says, "an idiot."

Ricky and Steve Chuckle

Ricky: Eya, this gives me an idea, Karl.

Steve: Talking of idiots.

Ricky: Yea, do you want to get in the Guiness Book of Records?

Karl: Nooo...

Steve: Karl, come on, it would be brilliant.

Ricky: Come on. There's thing- there's things in there that are- just absolutely anyone can do like that one in "Big Brother". I was watching it and it was, uhm, uhh, balancing sugar lumps! I wanna go, "How many people tried that?!" Are there schools around Britain going, "Listen, we've got to get into the sugar lump award."

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: "We gotta- it's grassroots level! There's not enough kids balancing sugar lumps!"

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: "How can we compete on the world market?!"

Karl: Yeah. I was looking at it last night and there was one about, ehh- about the farrest that a dog swam.

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: Uhh, I think it was something like 9 miles but it had no choice, did it?

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Ya know what I mean? It took out to Atla- Atlantic or something--

Ricky and Steve Giggle Slighty

Karl: And said- it didn't want to do it--

Steve: Throw it in the water.

Karl: Yeah. So it's not all right to put it in a bin bag and chuck it in a canal.

Steve: No.

Karl: But, "oh, it's for a world record".

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: 9 miles it did.

Ricky: Ooh God.

Steve: Possible ones that you could do, Karl--

Ricky: What's the m- what's the most Forrest Gumps f- fitting in one wheelie bin?

Steve Chuckles

Steve: What about this one for you, Karl: uh, the record stands at the moment for "Most Arrows Caught by Hand". But that's quite tricky so what about "Most Arrows Caught by Head"?

Ricky Laughs Boisterously

Ricky: Yeah, they--

Steve: And you would just fire arrows at your head.

Ricky: They wouldn't- it would just skim off him--

Steve: Do you think so?

Ricky: Yeah, the roundness, it would never actually get any sort of, you know, connection.

Steve: "Fastest Human Crab". Could you do that?

Ricky: Oh, do that. What's--

Steve: Can you do- can you form the crab?

Ricky: Can you do that?

Karl: What's that?

Ricky: Just, like, go bending over backwards and running--

Karl: No, can't do that.

Ricky: No?

Karl: Got a bad back.

Ricky: Uhh... w--

Steve: Uhhm--

Ricky: What would you be good at?

Steve: What about "Hamburger Stuffing"?

Ricky: OOoh, you--

Steve: All right?

Ricky: Right, Karl, I- let me- all right... in the mouth you mean?

Steve: Well, it says, the record for stuffing the most regulation-size hamburgers including buns in the mouth at one time is how many? How many b- hamburgers with buns in the mouth...

Karl: Thi- this is just...

Steve: You're not swallowing anything, you've just got to stuff them in your mouth.

Ricky: Karl, you'd be soo good at this cuz the shape of your head. You've got a shape- his head's just like Hamburglar. You'd be good at this, man.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Honestly, you'd be perfect- you look like Zippy.

Steve: And the great thing is your head's empty so you could get more in there.

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Do you know what I mean? This guy had a brain to contend with.

Ricky: Oh, do that- do that. What is it? Is it- could he- could he- is it possible? Is it mental?

Steve: Well, how many do you think it was?

Ricky: I don't know.

Steve: There were three burgers in buns. What do you reckon, Karl?

Karl: What- how- how quick he ate 'em?

Steve: He didn't eat them, it's just how many he can stuff in his face. So, literally ha- hold them within his cheeks and his mouth but don't swallow anything.


Karl: So, what- how many- how many burgers?

Steve: How many burgers... did he manage to get into his- his face?


Karl: Uh, this is a fella, it's- it's not...

Steve: Yes.

Karl: About... about 5?

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) No, no, no, no, 3 is the world record.

Ricky: 3?!

Steve: 3 is the world record.

Ricky: But how big are they, though?

Steve: It just says, "regulation-size". I don't know w--

Ricky: So, we could go to M- M- McDonald's or Burger King and get just hamburgers and that would count?

Steve: I think- yeah, just the regular burgers and we'll just stuff 'em in--

Karl Tries to Speak

Ricky: It won't count cuz we gotta get Norris McWhirter or whoever--

Steve: Well, yeah, but we could practice it now and then if- if you're triumphant- you get four in there--

Ricky: Come on, Karl.

Karl: No, I don't- I don't- you know I've got a- a small throat and that, I've- I used to choak a lot--

Steve: Well, you don't have to swallow 'em. That's the great thing.

Karl: Yeah, but I u- I don't- I don't like it. As a kid I'd- choaking on stuff and I'd- I get funny about it.

Steve: Karl--

Ricky: No- well, no just keep- keep your tongue at the back of your mouth and we'll stuff the hamburgers in.

Karl: No, I don't--

Ricky: OH, COME ON! Do something!

Steve: Karl, that is dynamite radio.

Ricky: W- w- he'll go- he'll go- he'll g- Steve will go and get the hamburgers--

Steve: Have I got to pay for 'em?

Ricky: Get- no, Karl get- give us the money.

Karl: I'm not paying for them.

Ricky: Oh, come on!

Karl: I've just spent 25 quid in total on a video and a Guiness Book of Records. That's costing me another 4 quid!

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Come o--

Karl: I'm not doing- no, I'm not doing it.

Ricky: Oh, come on. Come on.

Karl: No, I don't want to do that.

Ricky: Give us the money. Get- we'll pay you back. Andrew'll--

Karl: No, it's too- no, I don't want to do it.

Ricky: Oh, come on!

Karl: I'm not doing it.

Ricky: Come on! Do it! It's a- it's a interesting thing. Come on.

Karl: No.

Steve: You could be in the Guiness Book of Records, Karl.

Karl: Well- well, I'll leave it.

Ricky: Se- see if we can. Oh, please! Phone in if you want Karl--

Karl: No, I'd--

Ricky: To eat burgers. You don't have to swallow them. You can spit it all out. You can be sick on my leg after. Oh, come on! W--

Karl: No, cuz I don't like the- the stretching thing either.

Ricky: It don't stretch it you c--

Karl: It will stretch. I'll be like the little bloody dog on the Winston Churchill ad.

Ricky: Don't swear on-air!

Karl: Well, I'm just saying though- I know but it's si--

Ricky: We apologize to the radio authority. Karl is not only swearing but he's refusing to do things we come up with!

Karl: Oh, but the radio authority will be happy with me stuffing 3 burgers in me face.

Ricky Wheezes Laughter

Ricky Pounds the Desk

Ricky: (Laughing) Karl, look--

Karl: I'm not doing it.

Ricky: Yeah, we will. But go--

Karl: No. Leave it.

Ricky: You--

Steve: Right, I'm gonna go to- I'm gonna go to--

Ricky: I'll give you the money.

Karl: Can we do "Songs of Phrase" or something?

Steve: No, let's do--

Ricky: No. Right--

Ricky and Steve: Play a record.

Ricky: Play a record. He's gonna- you're gonna do it, Karl or you're- or you're fired.

Rod Stewart - Maggie May Begins To Play

Steve: No, actually he wants that.

Ricky: No, you're gonna do it. Do it. Please, do it. It'll be great, honestly. Please, do it.

Karl: What about Chicken McNuggets - meet halfway?

Ricky: Nooo! There's no record for Chicken McNuggets, mental!

Karl: Well...


Karl: I said I'm not doing it, Steve, so--

Ricky: You are. You are.

Song: Rod Stewart - Maggie May

Five Should Be Enough

104.9 In London


Ricky: Steve.

Steve: (Over the Phone) Yeah, hello.

Ricky: Can you hear me?

Steve: Yes. Can you hear me?

Ricky: Yeah. Where are ya?

Steve: I'm - I'm in one of, uhh, the capital's many burger joints. I'm just about to go up now and order, uhh, some burgers.

Ricky: Where are ya? Wha- wha- where are ya? Where are you in?

Steve: I'm in McDonald's in, uhh- in Leicester Square.

Ricky: Oh, right. Okay.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What are ya gettin'?

Steve: (To Cashier) Hello?

Ricky: Just- just get- get- get--

Steve: Hang on a sec. Yeah.

Ricky: Get two I--

Steve: (To Cashier) Hello there. I need to order, uhh, 5 regular hamburgers, please. If that's all right.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Cashier: Anything else?

Steve: Sorry?

Cashier: You just want 5 hamburgers?

Steve: 5 hamburgers, yes. Yes.

Cashier: Just 5.

Steve: Are you- you're probably wondering why I'm ordering only 5 hamburgers, aren't you and let me tell you why - uh, my friend is gonna try and break the world record for putting--

Karl: I'm not. I'm not.

Steve: Burgers into his fat, stupid face. Uhmm, what do you make of that? Exciting?

Cashier: Yeah.

Steve: Do you wish him good luck?

Cashier: Yeah.

Steve: What's your name?

Cashier: Tia.

Steve: Tia?

Tia: Yeah.

Steve: Oh, thank you very much, Tia. I'll try and get Tia to, uh, wish you good luck in a minute, Karl.

Karl: Mm.

Steve: Uhm, just want to make sure, there--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) 5! 5- 5 should be enough.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: The world record is, what? 3?

Ricky: 3, yeah.

Steve: Okay, good. I dun- I dunno- I don't know what, uhm... Oh, here we go, how much is that?

Tia: 3.45.

Steve: 3.45?

Ricky: 3.45 for 5 hamburgers?!

Steve: It's good, innit? It's good value.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) It is, really, innit?

Steve: Really, yeah, I mean if there's anyone from hamburgers list- uh, from McDonald's listening, they probably want to give us some free stuff, I'd of thought.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: I'd of thought, Rick. (To Tia) Can you just, uh, wish my friend good luck before, uh, you- he's just on the other end of the line, there. Just say, "Good luck, Karl."

Tia: Good luck.

Tia Laughs

Karl: All right, then.

Steve: There you are. That's the people from McDonald's wishing you good luck.

Karl: Mm.

Steve: Karl, I'll- I'll be back shortly with the burgers.

Karl: All right.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Uh, do you want the pickles left in?

Steve Laughs Slightly

Song: Eminem - Sing for the Moment


Ricky: Eminem... "Sing for the Moment"... on XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais. With me: Steve Merchant with 5 little hamburgers.

Steve: Got 5 burgers here. Yeah.

Steve Coughs

Steve: And, uhh, so I don't know. How should we begin, Karl? Do you want to just look at the size of these burgers? They're quite small--

Ricky: Oh! Uhm, look! They can see it on webcam, can't they? They can see us stuffing these burgers into your mouth.

Karl: Mmm.

Ricky: Uh, and I- uh, and by the way, I'm filming this, Steve.

Steve: Brilliant.

Ricky: L- look I've got a little camcorder.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: We- we'll put this on, unseen footage on a DVD or sommat.

Steve: Or, uh, maybe on the website.

Ricky: On the we- oh, Karl what if you break the record!

Steve: Okay, Karl, I'm coming 'round now to, uhh- to just, uhh, monitor this and ejudicate.

Karl: Well, I--

Ricky: What's the web- if people want to see this on the webcam, what is it?

Karl: Xfm.co.uk

Ricky: Right, okay.

Steve: This, uh--

Ricky: Hold on. Oh, can I st- can I still do that?

Karl: I'm not bein' funny- I'm not bein' funny, right, but I have got, like, a bit of a wheat thing.

Steve: You've got a bit of a what?

Karl: A wheat allergy thing--

Ricky: Oh, don't give me that!

Karl: No, seriously, me head's- I- I've been eatin' a lot of Shredded Wheat recently--

Ricky Laughs Boisterously

Karl: And me head's got a bit bigger.

Steve: Karl, I don't think you can let us down now, mate. So just- you've just got to put that first one in--

Karl: No, I can't- I can't put that like that in me mouth on its- with--

Ricky: What are you talking about?

Karl: I- I've got to break it up. I've got to break it up.

Steve: You can't break it up.

Ricky: Well, you can't break it up.

Karl: It doesn't say you can't on the rule thing.

Steve: I think it does. It's got to go in--

Karl: It doesn't. I can't- look, I physically can't.

Steve: Try it.

Karl: The on- the- I can't- look! I'd have to be Jade Goody to be able to do that.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Seriously, look. (Muffled) I can't.

Steve: Try it. Try it. Try it. Try it.

Karl Makes Muffled Noises

Steve: Yeah, I know but you're not doing it- you're not approaching it right. That's it.

Ricky: Oh, come on! Go on! Go on!

Steve: That's almost a- (Laughing Slightly) keep going.

Ricky: Oh, God! He's not gonna do one!

Steve: Keep going! Keep going! Keep going! That's good work. That's good work! Keep going. Ease--

Karl Makes Muffled Noises

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) How did they get three in?! Keep pushing!

Steve: Ease it in. Ease it in.

Ricky: Keep pushing! Keep pushing! Get one in at least!

Steve: Ease it in.

Ricky: Get one in at least! Get one in!

REM - Nightswimming Begins to Play

Karl Makes Muffled Noises

Steve: Ease it in.

Ricky: Get one in!

Karl: (Muffled) I can't!

Ricky: Push it. Push it.

Karl Makes Muffled Noises

Ricky Laughs

Steve: That's one! That's one! That's good, let's go for another one!

Ricky: Let's go one--

Song: REM - Nightswimming

Me Head is Swelling a Bit

Ricky: REM, "Nightswimming". It's a lovely song, innit, Karl?


Ricky: Uh?

Karl: Mm.

Ricky: XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me: Steve Merchant. Karl, disappointing. Disappointing. You couldn't even get one whole burger in your mouth.

Karl: I did, kind of.

Ricky: Yeah, but there was a bit sticking out, it just looked messey, there was no--

Karl: Yeah, but you were saying about putting it in whole and y- I don't think that's the rule.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: W- w--

Karl: It's like you fit more in a suitcase if you- if you put things in properly.

Ricky: So--

Karl: You don't just get out all your clothes and chuck 'em in. So it's about- I reckon you've got to rip it up a bit--

Ricky: Okay, do that, then.

Karl: All right.

Ricky: See how many you get in. You've gotta get in 2.

Sounds of Rustling of Paper

Karl: No, just- just one!

Ricky: No- no--

Steve: Well it's- it's 3, is the--

Ricky: You gotta pack it in. What you gotta do is pack your cheeks first.

Karl: Honestly, Steve me head is- is swellin' a bit cuz I- I have got a wheat thing.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Wheat allergy.

Ricky: That'll be good though, there'll be more room.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: All right, okay, look, Karl is now sticking it in his cheek.

Steve: Okay, that's--

Karl: Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Don't eat any.

Steve: You can't swallow any. It's like a hamster, you've got to work it like a hamster.

Ricky: Yeah. Stick it in. Come on.

Ricky Giggles

Ricky: (Laughing) Look at his face!

Ricky Laughs

Steve: He looks like Marlon Brando in "The Godfather".

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Mmm.

Ricky: Come on!

Karl Grumbles

Ricky: Don't lose any! Yeah. All right. Right--

Steve: Pack it in then. Use your fingers to pack it in. That's it.

Ricky: Come on!

Steve: Wedge it in.


Steve: Like you're grouting the bath.

Karl: (Muffled) I can't do this either.

Ricky Explodes with Laughter

Ricky Hops Around the Room Laughing

Steve: Keep going! Keep going!!!

Karl Mumbles

Steve: Keep going. Don't give up so early!

Ricky Laughs and Claps

Karl: (Muffled) I'm not--

Steve: This is part of the problem, you just give up, Karl, too quickly.

Ricky: Yeah, you failed again. It's like your history O Level. Come on, Karl! Be a- d- come on! Do something well!

Steve: That's- that's one down! That's--

Ricky: Succeed at something! Push it in. You've got a whole- nearly a half a burger there. Or I'll come 'round- I'll come 'round there!


Ricky: You're chewin'!! Don't chew!

Karl: (Muffled) I've gotta be able to fit it in!

Ricky Wheezes with Laughter

Steve Giggles

Ricky Stomps Around the Room

Steve: (Laughing) I don't know what he said but... Is that a whole one?

Ricky: Right, is that a whole one?

Karl: (Muffled) Yeah.

Ricky: No, it's not! I can see bits left!


Steve: Come on, Karl. Come on. Keep working at it.

Karl: (Muffled) I can't do it anymore.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Keep working at it. Look, there's so much space in your mouth - I can see it.

Karl Says Something Unintelligible

Ricky: He's going red. Okay. Okay, we'll do another one.

Steve: We're gonna abandon that one then.

Ricky: We'll do another one. We'll do anoth- oh, s- are you all right?


Steve Laughs

Steve: Are you gonna be sick?

Ricky: Are you all right?


Steve: All right?

Karl: Mm.

Steve: Uhh?

Ricky: Oh God, should we play a record? Uhm, he's makin' my eyes water now.

Unknown Artist - Unknown Song Begins to Play

Steve: Uhhh.

Steve Laughs Slightly

Ricky: Oh- oh, dear!

Steve: Karl, I'll find a different one for you.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Find a different one for him.

Steve: What about "Most Grapes Eaten in 3 Minutes"?

Ricky: I'll go. Do you want to do that? Grapes are easy, aren't they?

Steve: "Most Grapes Eaten in-" That's easy, grapes. Come on, Karl.

Ricky: Come on! Grapes are easy--

Unknown Artist -Unknown Song


Song: The White Stripes - 7 Nation Army

Ricky: White Stripes, "7 Nation Army" that jumped twice. I apologize for that. You're the producer, Karl!

Karl: Yeah!

Ricky: It jumped twice.

Karl: Well... it's n- it's not my fault if people are slippin' around because of burgers on the floor.

Ricky and Steve Chuckle

Karl: You're trying to squeeze me head when the song's playin'.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) What difference does that make?!

Karl: Well... anyway...

Ricky: Right, uhm... DON'T EAT- right, I've just, uhm- I've just got some grapes, there. Ehhm, we've, uh- we've counted them out. What's the record, then?

Steve: Okay, well the most grapes eaten in three minutes- you've got three minutes, Karl and you've got to beat Mat Hand from the UK who consumed a total of one hundred and thirty-three grapes, right, in three minutes on the 8th of November 2001.

Ricky: Right, there's a hundred and fifty there.

Steve: There's a hundred and fifty there.

Ricky: Right... okay.

Steve: So, you've got three minutes.

Karl: What- what are the rules?

Steve: The rules are--

Ricky: You've just got to eat 'em and swallow 'em and it's- it's like "Cool Hand Luke", right, you gotta just stuff 'em in and don't choke because I got worried with the burger. That's a good advert for McDonald's, innit? Not only was I impressed by the cheapness of 'em, but he couldn't even get one in his mouth.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: So, value for money there. Maybe they'd like to send us some free stuff.

Steve: Yeah! Free- free s- or just money. Any- some money would be good.

Ricky: Next, uh, week, Karl you're eatin' Sony Walkmans.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) That's right, yeah.

Ricky: Available for...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, uhm- right, Karl- right, I think this is- this is gonna be good, right. What we're gonna do, right - we got "Song 2" by Blur set up. We know that's two minutes, so you can play that cuz that'll be boring radio s- hearing Karl choke, wouldn't it, for three minutes?

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yes, exactly.

Ricky: So, when I say, "Go", Karl, right, I'm gonna go right on the minute, right, you've got to have a hand full of grapes and you've got to press "Song 2" by Blur, when we come back you'll be stuffing your fa- hold on, are you going to be able to do that? How can you- can you work the buttons? Can you--

Karl: I can do that. I can do that.

Steve: No, I don't think you can to--

Ricky: No--

Steve: You cannot touch the grapes until the opening note of "Song 2" begins.

Ricky: Yeah, but hold on. When- when- when "Blur 2"- when "Song 2" stops, can we just press up the faders so y- cuz you'll be stuffing your face--

Steve: Don't worry, we're almost- we've got- let's go. If we go, uhh--

Ricky: Okay.

Steve: Any second now.

Ricky: Okay, right, okay.

Steve: You're ready, Karl.

Ricky: Three, two, one, GO!

Steve Blur - Song 2 Begins to Play

Steve: And he's off. That's good work from Karl, now, he's just- he's approaching it cautiously to begin with. Cautiously... and he's just- yeah, he's- he's keeping--

Ricky: Come on! Is this- should we, uhh?

Steve: Well, let's just, you know, it's keeping people happy.

Song: Blur - Song 2

I'm Not Happy With That

Ricky: Come on! Come on! G- Go!

Steve: Come on. Don't- don't make him laugh, Rick, he's chokin'!

Ricky: Come on! Come on!

Steve: He's chokin'! Oh--

Ricky: He's- no- he's--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Karl!

Ricky: QUICK! Come on!

Steve: Keep going, Karl!

Ricky: Come on! Come on!

Steve: What's happened?

Ricky: Come on!

Steve: What happened? Did he just throw up?

Ricky: No!

Karl Makes Unintelligible Sounds

Ricky Wheezes Laughter

Steve Giggles

Ricky: (Laughing) Don't make him laugh!

Steve: Ohh!

Ricky: Come on!

Steve: We can make--

Ricky: Come on.

Steve: We can make wine.

Ricky Wheezes Laughter

Steve: Come on, Karl, you're doing so well, mate.

Ricky: Come on, Karl. How long to go? Come on. Only--

Ricky Giggles

Steve: Why are you makin' him laugh?! That was a world record attempt!

Ricky: Uh, he's over the ti--

Sound of a Chair Squeek

Steve: Keep going!

Ricky: Come on!

Steve: Don't give up!

Ricky: You've got 25... seconds!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Come on. Aww.

Steve: I think that was, uhh- that was a shame, actually, cuz you were doing well but something went wrong.

Ricky: I know, and I think those are bigger grapes than the ones I've seen before. They're quite big (Laughing) grapes. Look at his face! He looks so despondent. Come on, Karl, eight seconds. Just a few more.

Karl Makes a Noise

Steve: Five...

Ricky: (Laughing) Come on. What's the matter?

Steve: Two.

Ricky: Two.

Ricky and Steve: One.

Steve: It's all over, Karl.

Ricky: It's all over. We better count how many he did. Just to... Cuz we- you can get good at this. We can get good at this over the weeks.

Steve: I think that was a fairly pitiful attempt, actually. I really thought he had the- it's interesting, actually, these are harder records than you might think.

Ricky: Yeah, I know.

Sound of a Squeeky Chair

Ricky: 6... 8... 10...

Steve: How do you feel after that record breaking attempt?

Ricky Mumbles while Counting

Karl: Not happy with that.

Ricky: (Laughing) Nine... right... 24...

Steve: What are you not happy about?

Karl: The fellow who did it, was he in hospital and just had loads of grapes and just was bored?

Steve Chuckles

Steve: He didn't have the--

Karl: I'm sure he wasn't producing a radio program, that's for sure.

Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly

Steve: Well, to be fair, neither are you.

Ricky Laughs Slightly while Counting

Steve: What, uhh- what- what was tricky about it? What did you find hard?

Karl: I think having Ricky standing over me--

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Sort of, shouting, "Go on!"--

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Karl: Isn't normal.

Steve: (Laughing) No. But did that- so, that wasn't--

Ricky: He hasn't eaten any! Hold on... That's fifteen there... Two, four...

Ricky Mumbles while Adding

Steve: That's quite- that's quite a poor attempt then, by the seem of it. Ehhm, would you think about trying to maybe do that again in a couple of weeks? Would you do some practice--

Karl: No.

Steve: And try that again?

Karl: No, leave it. Leave it for the--

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Hundred and twenty...

Karl: Experts.

Ricky and Steve Chuckle

Steve: And, uhm, there was, I notice, a tricky point, uhm, maybe, sort of, when you had about, uh, fifty seconds to go you seemed to be spewing things into the bin. What was that?

Karl: Again, uh, mainly Ricky standing over me, sort of--

Ricky: Hold on, eighty-eight...

Karl: What?

Ricky: He's got eighty-eight left.

Steve: Okay, so what's the mental arithmetic there? Cuz we put how many in... was it a hundred and fifty I think, wasn't it?

Ricky: What- what did I- what did I say? What did I say you had left?

Karl: Well, I'm not doing it again, so...

Steve: Eighty-eight. He had eighty-eight left.

Ricky: So, there's sixty-two. God, you only ate sixty-two. What's the matter with you, Karl? There's people star- you ate sixty-two. That is rubbish.

Karl: I'll have to--

Steve: That's disappointment.

Karl: Let's leave that.

Steve: So, you've- well you've- so, you failed on two world record attempts there.

Ricky: Sixty-two and the records's a- that is rubbish! What were you doin'?!


Karl: I- yeah, but like I said, I've got a small throat. I can't- I can't drink a drink quick. Ever since the Mr. Freeze pops when I was six--

Ricky and Steve Laugh Slightly

Karl: That I nearly choked on- I nearly died on, I- I can't go back. It'd be like asking, I don't know, someone who got run over to play Frogger or something.

Ricky Wheezes Laughter

Ricky: (Laughing) What's Frogger?

Steve: What- you mean real-life Frogger?

Karl: A computer game. Well, just the computer game brings back memories, dunnit?

Steve: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Karl: And I can't do that.

Ricky: What's Frogger? Does Frogger get run over?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky Giggles

Steve: It's a little frog and it has to run across a digital--

Ricky: Do you know- do you know who he reminded me of - apart from Hamburglar and Zippy and all that? When he was munching those grapes, cuz of the shape of his head, it looked liked like a game of Pac-Man.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah.

Ricky: (Laughing) It did. As he was gettin' to 'em it looked like (Simulating Pac-Man Sound) Boop-Boop-Boop-Boo Doot-Doot-Doot-Doo.

Steve: We should have had that music.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing) It looked just like it. Ohh, Karl--

Steve: Do you remember there was a, uh- there was a board game version of Pac-Man.

Ricky: Was there?

Steve: I mean, the only thing that Pac-Man had was the fact that it was on a computer and it was a little face eating things. But, imagine that as a board game.

Ricky: But there's- there's- there's board games of, like, things that you don't need board games for.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It's like there's board games of Charades.

Steve: I- do you know what--

Ricky: You don't need that. It's like parlour games- board games of "Let's Watch the Telly"!

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. Yeah.

Ricky: Let's play "Sit Around"! And it's all like, "nineteen ninety-nine y-". You don't need it!

Steve: "New from Mattel: A Stick! Simply run along clanking it against a- uh, a fence or a metal grate--"

Ricky: "It's Fence Stick!" and a picture of a little a- "Oy, Nan! Nan, that's my Fence Stick!"

Karl: I'll tell ya what--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) "That's my Fence Stick!" Do you know what I saw in, uhh- in a shop recently? The board game of "Cold Feet"--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: The TV show. I have no idea when you--

Ricky: That is a winner. "You are John Thomson."

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "Go back".

Steve Chuckles Slightly

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Ahhh.

Karl: I'll tell you a good game.

Steve: "Drink eight pints." Go on.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: "Songs of Phrase".

Steve: "Songs of Phrase"! Nicely done.

Karl: Right, we'll get this going.

Ricky: How do you feel, Karl?

Karl: Uh, yeah, all right--

Ricky: Again, disappointment. Disappointment probably to your family and friends.

Karl: Well, I don't think they'll be get- that gutted, to be honest.

Ricky Gurgles Laughter

Karl: All right, "Songs of Phrase".

Steve: All right, Karl, why don't we play a tune and come back with "Songs of Phrase" cuz it's a big tease, people love that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It's one of the hot new radio quizzes.

Ricky: We got- we got one more thing (Laughing Slightly) for you to eat.

Karl: No, I'm not doing anymore of those.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: Seriously. Play a song?

The Roots - The Seed 2.0 Begins to Play

Karl: Right, "Songs of Phrase" next. All right?

Ricky Giggles

Karl: That was rubbish, that half hour.

Ricky Giggles and Snorts

Karl: Rubbish.

Song: The Roots - The Seed 2.0

It's a World Famous Phrase

Ricky: That's great. The Roots, "The Seed". XFM 104.9. I'll bet that is a record... of eating grapes whilst DJing.

Steve: Possibly. I'm assuming if there's any listeners out there that have a, uh, record-breaking attempt they'd like to see Karl undertake in future weeks they should email in.

Karl: I think, uh- I think Johno has got that one.

Ricky and Steve Chuckle

Ricky: Right, what have we got, then? That's that--

Karl: Right--

Ricky: That's the silliness aside now. Let's get on to the proper show.

Karl: Right, "Song--"

Steve Laughs

Karl: "Songs of Phrase".

Ricky: Yeah. Should we do that?

Steve: Yeah. On to the classy stuff.

Ricky and Karl: Yeah.

Karl: Do you wanna do the prizes first?

Steve: Right, uh, now then, where are they? Here they are.

Steve Makes Shuffling Sounds

Steve: I haven't seen these but I'm excited as ever... All right, we have a tshirt there- arbitrary tshirt that you have probably stolen off of someone. What does it say? D- d- d- is it the Red Hot- the Red Hot Chili Peppers--

Ricky: That's all right.

Steve: So, that's that. That's not too bad. That's a big tshirt there. Uhm... oh, do- do- do- do-... on DVD, this- should you be giving this away? This looks like it's the film "Don't Say a Word".

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Uh, and it's, uhm- it doesn't have all the proper packaging, it's literally the, uh- the disc- the DVD disc just loose. So enjoy that. The current album from Oasis, uh, "Heathen Chemistry". Uh, DVD- on DVD "The Life of Mammals: The Complete Series", the David Attenborough- recent DVD, uh, that. "Walking with Cavemen" which I think is a DVD. It's all currently on tv, isn't it? And, uhm--

Ricky: Well, there ya go. Not bad--

Steve: And also "The X List" which is a good new compilation- double CD compilation from XFM with loads of stuff on there including N.E.R.D., Snoop Doggy Dog, Athlete, all sorts.

Ricky: Go on then, Karl.

Steve: So, not bad actually. Some good stuff.

Ricky: Nice one. Well done.

Karl: Right, so, uhh, yeah, it's a phrase that- that's been said at some point or said a lot on the show. We've had, like, "Hairy Chinese kid"...

Ricky Laughs Quietly

Karl: We went back to, uhh, "Me mam had wind for five minutes" and that. Uhh, today we're lookin' at, uhh, "Me neighbor had a horse in her house". Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: If you remember, we were talkin' about that probably about a year and a half ago, now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah. Of course people- of course people remember. They've been talkin' about it ever since, Karl, I imagine.

Karl: Yeah, so--

Ricky: Well- it's famous- it's- it's a world famous phrase, "My neighbor had a horse in her house".

Steve Chuckles Slightly

Karl: Right, so this is, uh, this week's "Songs of Phrase" and what I've done is I've got songs with those words in that make up that sentence.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You've got to email in [email protected]. There's six different songs, right?... You email in with what- what I mean--

Ricky: I don't know how there is six. "Me neighbor had horse in house" - is it really that sentence?

Karl: "Me neighbor had a horse in a- a- her house". It does work. Honestly, it works, right?

Ricky: Yeah, okay, don't bother explaining it, just play it.

Karl: You ready? All right. So, here's the, uh- here it is...

Steve: We should just re--

MY. NEIGHBOR. Had. A horse. Innn. A house.

Karl: Right?

Steve Laughs

Ricky: What... in... God's name was that?

Karl: Here you are. Name the six songs.

MY. NEIGHBOR. Had. A horse. Innn. A house.

Karl: Eh?

Ricky Laughs

Steve: Are we naming the artists or the songs?

Ricky: Are we the--

Karl: A- artists.

Ricky: Anyone who gets anything can get a prize. Geez.

Steve: Once more, Karl.

Karl: Artists. Here we go...

MY. NEIGHBOR. Had. A horse. Innn. A house.

Steve Exhales

Steve: That's tricky, Karl. That's very hard. Once more?

MY. NEIGHBOR. Had. A horse. Innn. A house.

Steve Giggles

Karl: Email in [email protected]. I'll give it--

Ricky: Another let down. Another let down.

Karl: A brilliant one. It's brilliant, this.

Ricky: N- no--

Karl: How can you just say that after I've just been stuffing grapes in me face and that?

Ricky: Well, you fail- you failed at- you didn't get ONE burger in, right, even when you tried to- to chop it up there's three, right, so that's it- he- Steve, out of the goodness of his heart went to McDonald's, okay. I got some grapes, you ate 62!

Karl: That's got nothing to do with this though. This is my game show here. Bob Holness didn't say, "Yeah, 'Blockbusters' is good but I never see him eating grapes."

Ricky Wheezes Laughter

Karl: So, this is a different thing. Forget that, right.

Ricky Giggles

Karl: Here's the clips again. Here's the clips.

Ricky Giggles

MY. NEIGHBOR. Had. A horse. Innn. A house.

Steve: Karl, you know when I said I was gonna turn over a new leaf and not criticize your ideas? I think it's the end of this one, mate.

New Order - Regret Begins to Play

Ricky: Ooooh, he's done it again.

Steve: It's atrocious. [email protected] if you've any idea.

Song: New Order - Regret

Sorry, Paul Ince

Song: Dandy Warhols - We Used to be Friends

Ricky: Dandy Warhols, "We Used to be Friends". That is Karl's favourite record of the year.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah. New- new music. Bit of new music--

Ricky: He gets- he gets- he gets- he gets one- he gets one play... a year and he chose that.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) That's what he chose.

Ricky: It's all right but, I mean, th- favorite track, innit? He played that. That was Karl's choice--

Karl: Just something new.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9. Don't worry, we've got some really good stuff coming up later with- me and Steve.

Karl: If you're from the seventies--

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: You might like it.


Ricky: You see that? He's gettin' too cocky, isn't he?

Steve: Arrogant.

Ricky: It's, sort of, like he's f- I- I- I mean, we try and- we try and given him something in his life. He's got- you know what I mean, he's f- i- i- his- he comes in and tells us this- this sob story of just, like, a trail of failures and we said, "Karl, come under our wing." Right? Heat have just started picking up on him. A few other people sta- and then he does that. He fails at the burgers, he fails at the grapes, he will not trust us with, you know, what we want to do. I don't know what more we can do. It's like I've saved a mouse from a- from a cat's jaws and it turned 'round and bit me.

Steve: Yeah. Yeah! A- that's ex- that is a brilliant analogy. It's a bit like- we were trying to give you something that you could care about that you could be passionate about that would somehow give a meaning to your life.

Ricky: You would be in the Guiness Book of World Records alongside- uh, Bubble- Bubble- failed. Do you wanna be Bubble?! Do you want to be Bubble?! Or do you want to be the bloke with the milk bottle on his head--

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Exactly.

Ricky: Who's in there.

Steve: The guy who ate the watches!

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Yes! Now, I've got an idea, Karl, cuz you're gettin' all stressed abou- I don't know what it is, you're gettin' funny- I don't know what- I don't know what's done i--

Karl: Cuz you're annoyin' me.

Ricky: Well, you say that.

Karl: You started mid-week--

Ricky: I don't think- I don't think I annoy anyone else so it's just you on that. So, I thought maybe we could, all three of us, go away to a little health farm--

Steve Laughs Quietly

Ricky: For a weekend. Just get, like, a- a triple room and j--

Karl: Right, that- that isn't happenin'.

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) Why?

Karl: You've just reminded me - because you been annoyin' me, Steve started gettin' on your case- you know, sort of, gangin' up on me - I'll tell ya now, Steve - I just forgot - remember a couple of weeks ago you said to me that my pub team- pub quiz team is rubbish?

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Right, well, it doesn't matter anymore cuz you're not part of it this time.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: That's bad. That's bad. Because it's interesting you say that, Karl--

Ricky Continues Laughing

Steve: Karl, you say that- because I tell you this: I found someone--

Ricky Punctuates the End of His Laughter

Steve: I found someone, mate, who could be, uh, filling that tricky fifth member. I wanted to test them out this week, mate.... on your team, on your team.

Karl: Test 'em out on your team.

Steve: Karl--

Karl: Because I'll tell you what this is like - I don't know if you're famil- familiar with, uh, Paul Ince, he used to play with Man United.

Steve: Uh huh.

Karl: Right? But everyone used to say he's "The Governor", right? Even the players used to call him "The Governor", right.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: And Alex Ferguson at Man United was like, "I'm not havin' this."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: "I'm in charge here" and he got rid of him. And that's what's happened; you- you were moanin' the other week...

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: Saying, "Y- y- y- your team's rubbish, you don't know what you're doin'."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Well, let's see how you do on your own. Right--

Ricky Giggles

Steve: Karl--

Ricky: Oooh! He's turned, hasn't he?

Steve: I'll be honest, Karl, I'd like to be on your team.

Karl: Well, sorry, uhh, Paul Ince...

Ricky Laughs

Karl: You'll have to go and join Middlesbrough or whatever it is he's gone to.

Steve: Karl, what can I do to get back on your team?

Karl: It's not happenin'. I've already filled your boots.

Ricky: Don't let him have the upper hand, Steve!

Steve: No, no, no, no, no, no, wait a minute. I'll tell ya what always annoys me, though... Ricky spends most of the show slagging you off, right, havin' a go at you, a- annoying you in the week, squeezing your head, making you eat burgers, right? But, you always take it out on me!

Ricky Attempts to Speak

Steve: I'm the one who always gets the insults, I'm the one who's now relegated from your team! Why- when- when i- you see, this is the thing, you're just as bad as him, really, because you're siding against me because you know that I'm- I'm willing to take it. You le- what it- the truth of it is this--

Ricky Laughs

Steve: You know that (Laughing Slightly) Ricky Gervais is keeping you- is keeping you in burgers and grapes metaphorically speaking.

Ricky: (Laughing) I'm so sorry.

Steve: He's the one who's got you in Heat Magazine.

Ricky: L- look! I just spat all over your new Guiness Book of Records.

Steve: You see?

Ricky: Get me a tissue.

Steve: He's just squirted tea, laughing all over your Guiness Book of Records--

Ricky: I had to extricate- you made me laugh!

Steve: I'm the one who's gonna get the flak for that!

Ricky: No, i- it's cuz you made me laugh when I was drinking cuz you went, (High-Pitched Stuttering Noises) like that and it made me laugh and I spat all over your--

Karl: That's ruined.

Steve: I just- I just think it upsets me that you- that you never--

Ricky: Awww.

Steve: You never pick on Ricky. You never have a go at him because you know he's- he's the one who's keeping- who's raised your profile--

Ricky: Oh my God!

Steve: And made you a little bit of a celebrity.

Ricky: We- we've missed one here! (Reading) "Using his teeth, Rahman Andhi Appan, right, hust a to-coconut.

Steve: He did what?

Ricky: He husked a coconut. He's the fastest coconut husker in the world.

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) What does that mean?

Ricky: I don't know, he pulls husks, uh- he pulls husks.

Steve: What's that?

Ricky: (Laughing) Look at his little face! Look.

Steve: What's a coconut husking?

Ricky: I- i- he pulls the cusks off a- look at Karl just with his head down! Karl, come on!... What's a matter?

Karl: Cuz that cost me 20 quid.

Ricky: I know, well I'll see you all right. I'll se- I'll--

Karl: And you've spilled tea all over the world's smallest man.

Ricky Explodes with Laughter

Ricky: (Laughing) Why have they stood him next to the world's biggest man?

Steve: Right, I'm in a bad mood now.

Ricky: Ooh, dear.

Karl: Well, I- I'm not happy.

Ricky: So, you haven't got a team? St- c- I'll sort you out. Come to me, I'll sort you out.

Steve: Seriously, though, I- I--

Ricky: We'll win.

Steve: Found someone who would help you win this week, Karl.

Ricky: No, Steve--

Steve: And I was gonna tell you about it and now--

Ricky: Steve, you can be on my team this week and I'll- and I know something about the quiz that Karl doesn't know. So...

Steve: I'll tell you, I just think that it's so ungrateful.

Karl: Whatever.

Steve: So ungrateful.

Karl: Right, "Songs of Phrase" just give it a couple more plays just--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Email in, we'll pick a winner soon. Uh, [email protected].

Ricky: Well, this isn't- this is rubbish, this week. No one's- knows it cuz it's rubbish. Steve was right.

Karl: Mmm.

MY. NEIGHBOR. Had. A horse. Innn. A house.

Karl: There's six songs there so if you know what they are just--

Ricky: That's the end of that, I think. That's the end of "Songs of Phrase"--

Karl: Email in.

Ricky: I think. We've got no--

MY. NEIGHBOR. Had. A horse.

Ricky: No- no- none left--

Innn. A house.

Ricky: That's the last week for that. That is rubbish.

Steve: Okay, well, why don't you give us some "Monkey News". Is it "Monkey News" time?

Ricky: Yeah. Come on. "Monkey News".

Karl: No, we'll play a song and we'll--

Ricky: No, no, no, do "Monkey News"!

Steve: Let's play a song. Let's play a song.

Ricky: Awwww. Aw, this is a great track.

Steve: Cheer up, Karl.

Thin Lizzy - Waiting for an Alibi Begins to Play

Ricky: "Wai--"

Karl: Is it new? Is this new?

Ricky: "Waiting for an Alibi" by Thin Lizzy.

Karl: How- what year was this out?

Ricky: Doesn't have to be new, it's brilliant!

Karl: What year was this out?

Ricky: Oh, Einstein wasn't new when he came up with the greatest theory ever! (Whiny Voice) Oh hold on, you're not new! You're not new!

Song: Thin Lizzy - Waiting for an Alibi

This is the End of This

Ricky: "Waiting for an Alibi" by Thin Lizzy on XFM 104.9. Right, okay, just- this is- aww. All the- with all the trauma in the world, I thought we'd come on and give a little bit of e- and he's just brought it right down. Little Manc twat whinger--

Steve Laughs

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) No, but I mean- do you know what I mean? He's had a go at you, he's thrown you off his team--

Steve: I'm devastated by that. That was- do you know that was the one thing I was lookin' forward to... this week?

Ricky: To be fair, you were looking forward to telling him you were takin' over the team so it's, sort of, poetic justice. (Laughing Slightly) It has- it has blown up in your face, to be fair.

Steve: True, I was- I was trying to squeeze him out of his own company.

Ricky: (Laughing) Yeah, you were going to get him out of his team.

Steve: Yeah. Well , I- I--

Ricky: So. It was a hostile take over and they- they, sort of, clubbed together.

Steve: To be honest with you, there's normally three regulars on his team - I got two of them on my side.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: One of which was his girlfriend.

Ricky Laughs

Steve: So, uhm, I only had to work on him to try and get him to resign--

Ricky: Oh no.

Steve: And we'd of been away.

Ricky Ricky Sips His Drink

Steve: Still, you know, ehm, we should give, uhm, the prizes away, Karl.

Ricky: Yeah, well this is- this is been dreadful- that- this thing. We started off well with him trying to force burgers in his mouth and then you come out with this tat. I mean, this is- this is the end of this, cuz it's- I mean, it was shoddy to start with and I did like a couple but this is--

Karl Mumbles Disapprovingly

Ricky: No only- o- oi- oi- oi- oi- oi- oi- oi- oi--

Karl: I'm just sayin'- this is what I was sayin' in the pub yesterday when you were tryin' to be sick on me leg. I was sayin'--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: Come up with new ideas if you don't like them.

Ricky Giggles

Karl: But you dis 'em on-air...

Ricky: Well, it's just disappointing, isn't it? (Imitating "Songs of Phrase") "A. Horse. In. A neighbor. Uh."

Karl: Right--

Ricky: What's that?!

Karl: I was disappointed when I was chokin' before.

Ricky and Steve Laugh

Steve: We were disappointed as well!

Ricky: Yeah. You didn't try- you didn't try with the grapes. You were just like, (Makes Eating Sounds) chewin' 'em like that.

Karl: Right--

Ricky: You're meant to just throw 'em in and swallow 'em.

Karl: "Songs of Phrase" it was six songs--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It sounded like this...

Ricky: Boring.

MY. NEIGHBOR. Had. A horse. Innn. A house.

Ricky: Right, what are they? Just give the answers.

Karl: There was six songs, there. We had, uh, Lionel Richie "My Destiny" for "my".

Steve: Tricky.

Karl: "Neighbor"...

Ricky: Oh, that's XFM. Ooh.

Karl: "My neighbor" was, uhh...

Ricky: Space?

Karl: Space.

Ricky: Mmm.

Karl: "Neighborhood".

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: "Had". Uhh, Harry Connick Jr. "Had to be You".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: (Thinking) "Had... My neighbor had..." "A horse" - America.

Ricky: America, yeah.

Karl: Uhh, (Thinking) "Had a horse..." "In--"

Ricky: "Had"?

Karl: "In" was Lisa Stansfield with, uhh--

Steve Laughs

Ricky: Pathetic.

Karl: "In All the Right Places".

Ricky: Aw, pathetic. Did anyone get that? Did anyone get that?!

Karl: And "A house"...

Steve: No one got that.

Karl: From Animals.

Ricky: No one got that. So that was pointless.

Steve: All right, well the most any--

Ricky: Well, that's the e--

Steve: The most anyone got was three.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And so we're gonna give it to Deborah--

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And that's possibly to Deborah and Kate--

Ricky: Right.

Steve: They got at least three of those so, well done.

Ricky: Okay. Well done. Those prizes are on the way. That's the end of that. So that's the- no "Cheap as Chimps", none of that anymore. What have you got left? You got the film to do? Let's see what you've done with the film.

Steve: Hang on, I'd love to have some "Monkey News", though.

Ricky: Go on, then. Got any monkey news?

Karl: Yeah, got some monkey news.

Ricky: Come on, then.

Steve: No, Rick, come on, cheer up.

Ricky: Well, he's- it's, sort of, like- he moans that he's got too much time on his hands and he comes up with that shhhhhh...

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Shite.

Steve: "Monkey News". The jingle please.

Ricky: "OOh, chimpanzee that! Monkey News!"

Steve Laughs

Karl: All right...

Steve: Okay. Excellent.

Karl: Quite a lot of stuff goin' on. There was a few bits in that Guiness Book of Records book--

Ricky Giggles

Karl: That cost me twenty quid.

Ricky: Yeah, well that's not news, is it? They printed that probably last September.

Karl: No, there--

Ricky: So that's--

Karl: There's one in there where--

Ricky: "New music! New music! New- new- 'Monkey News' from last September!"

Steve Chuckles

Ricky: You're a l- awww--

Steve: Come on!

Ricky: Waster.

Steve: Please, Ricky. "Monkey News".

Ricky Giggles Slightly

Karl: Ehhm, right, there was this- this monkey in, uhhh- in a zoo in Brazil.

Steve: Right.

Karl: All right?

Ricky: Mm.

Karl: And, uhh, there's a little man monkey, little woman monkey, and, uhh--

Ricky: You're a scientist, aren't ya?

Steve Chuckles Slightly

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: And they said, uhh- the people in charge were like, "Aw, wouldn't it be good if they had kids?"

Ricky: Brilliant!

Karl: Right? So, uhh, anyway, the chimps used to stand, sort of- you know, they'd have their little caves each and used to, sort of--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Karl: They used to, sort of, uh, lean on the fence havin' a bit of a chat and stuff--

Steve Giggles

Karl: With each other.

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) "Bit of a chat". Go on. Just gossipin'. Gossipin', yeah.

Karl: Well, you know, the- the- the equivalent sort of thing.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: So, uh, anyway, they were gettin' on a storm and, like, the- the zookeepers were like--

Steve: "Did you hear that 'Cheap as Chimps' this week?"

Ricky Laughs

Steve: "I thought it was fascinating." Yeah, just- just gossipin', I understand.

Karl: So, uh--

Ricky: Awww. "What's, uh- any 'Monkey News'? I don't know, let's tune in."

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) Yeah. "What was 'Monkey News' this week?"

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Go on... "It was from last September." Go on.

Karl: So, they were, uhm- they were s- you know, stood there havin' a chat and the zookeepers were like, "I wonder if they're ever gonna, you know, have kids an' that."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Anyway, it went on for ages, you know, this- just chattin', noth- no, sort of, action.

Steve Sighs

Steve: Blimey.

Karl: So what the zookeepers did was: they, uh, they said, "I know how they'll have kids--"

Ricky: Are we letting that go?

Steve: Karl?

Ricky: "They were just chattin'", are we letting that go?

Steve: Just- we're lettting it go.

Karl: You know what I mean. I mean, they- just doing whatever monkeys do--

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Right. So, uhm- so, yeah- so, the zookeepers were like, "Yeah, I wonder when they're gonna, you know, have some kids."

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Anyway, what they decided to do- t- to do- to, sort of, egg 'em on...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uhhm, bought 'em- bought one of 'em a suit, one a wedding dress.

Ricky: Right...

Steve Laughs Slightly

Steve: Keep going!

Ricky: No, I'm not havin' it.

Steve: Shut up, Gervais! Fade him down if he's gonna interrupt. I wanna hear the rest of this.

Karl: They got- they got- they got married. And, uh--

Steve: So, they got married.

Karl: Yeah, they got married.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: What?! That's the end of it?!

Karl: That's--

Ricky: (Shouting) THIS IS WHY I DON'T- right, that's the end of "Monkey News"!

Steve Laughs

Ricky: That's the end of "Monkey News"! Don't do that again. You've got no features left!

Karl: Why don't you like that?

Ricky: (Shouting) Wh- wh- because it's not a story!

Karl Tries to Speak

Ricky: (Shouting) It's l- it's about two chimps chatting - which doesn't happen! The zookeepers going, "I wonder if they're ever gonna have kids, egg 'em on." They got married! That's the end of the story! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!

Steve: Hang on. Just calm down, let me just check that you didn't make a mistake there and didn't lose our- they--

Ricky: What do you mean "he didn't make a mistake"?

Steve: Shh. Shh. Wait a minute, he may have just left out a fundamental piece of information--

Ricky: What, the story?

Steve: That would have made it into a story.

Ricky: Right!

Steve: Let me just check- just check the facts. So, they- they- they bought them wedding outfits, they were married, did they propose to each other or did they- were they just forcefully married?

Ricky: Don't encourage him!

Karl: Just- just- just forced onto it.

Steve: And then what was the outcome? Once they got married, what happened? They fell in love?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Wha- i--

Steve: Whoooah, be quiet.

Ricky: It's not a marriage, Karl!

Steve: Be quiet.

Ricky: It's not a real marriage. I don't know what you've got in your head! It's like the head of Homer Simpson, I'd go in there and there'd be a wedding reception and there'd be a couple of fights and they'd be talking about stuff.

Ricky Exhales Loudly

Steve: They got married, they fell in love... did they have children?

Karl: Uhm, they're not back off their honeymoon yet.

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: Play a record. You've got no features left.

Song: Eve - Satisfaction

If You Can be Bothered

Steve: Eve, "Satisfaction". New single from Eve.

Ricky: Yeah. XFM. Quick, play it. Right, we waited three weeks, we are gonna play it. I don't care whether we're late. We were late in cuz there was news. So... Play it.

Steve: Which film are you in, this week?

Karl: Uhhh, lookin' at "Silence of the Lambs".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, play it. Just play it.

Karl: Have we got a question?

Ricky: No.

Steve: We'll do the question after.

Ricky: Who cares. Who cares. "Should Karl carry on?" Play it.

Karl: All right, "Silence of the Lambs"--

Ricky Stifles Laughter

Karl: The bit where, uhh, Jodie Foster is havin' a chat.

Ricky Giggles

Karl in "The Silence of the Lambs" Begins

Dr. Hannibal Lecter: Good evening, Clarice.

Karl: All right?... Just thought I'd, uh, come and see ya.

Hannibal: How very thoughtful.

Karl: Don't mind me poppin' in now, do ya? It's just.... just, no one else is interested in the sort of things I like talkin' about.

Hannibal: People will say we're in love.

Karl: Well... say what they want.


Karl: Did you hear the, uh- did you hear the show last week? We were talkin' about gay people...


Karl: If they should have their own toilets or not and stuff.

Hannibal: That was good.

Karl: Yeah, it was all right, wasn't it? Got a good, uh- good debate going. Enjoy doing the show, it's, uh- it's me favorite part of me week, really, just talkin' about weird stuff and that.

Hannibal: Oh Clarice, you're problem is you need to get more fun out of life.

Karl: I have a lot of fun in me life. You know, come and see you... and, uh, spend a lot of time on the internet looking up weird stuff... people talkin' about a... hairy Chinese kid. There was another thing, there was a fella who, uhh, no arms and legs - is known as "The Pillow Man".

Hannibal: Everything you need to find him is right there in those pages.

Karl Ruffles Through Papers

Karl: Bizarre Magazine. Yeah, I get this. The hairy Chinese kid - what annoys me is he could sort it out. He could just have a shave, couldn't he? Do ya know what I mean?

Hannibal: No! He cuts.

Karl: Does he? Well... He use some, uh- some of that Immac stuff?

Karl Ruffles Through Papers

Karl: Don't be- don't be gettin' funny with me, just cuz you're in a bit of a mood, right? You know you shouldn't eat people. Your eyes are bigger than your belly, I've always said that, so... see ya later.

Sound of Slamming Door

Karl in "The Silence of the Lambs" Ends

Steve: Interesting. Uh, atmospheric, moody and, uh, the question is... uh, hang on, okay, here, how about this: "How many films have been made featuring the character Hannibal Lecter?" How many films have been made--

Ricky: They haven't got time to phone in now, have they?

Steve: No, they can email in. They'll have time. Do you care? I don't--

Ricky: I don't care.

Steve: No, exactly. [email protected] if you can be bothered, if you're interested in what- (Laughing Slightly) you want a 4.99 copy on VHS of "Silence of the Lambs".

Ricky: He's dissin' that as well, Karl. What do you think of that?

Karl: Bit annoyin' but... that's it for this week, innit?

Ricky: Remember what happened when- no it's not!


Ricky: It's nine minutes to three--

Karl: Don't- don't- tell him- tell him, Steve. I'm sick of this.

Ricky: How can that be it? It's nine minutes to three.

Karl Sighs

Oasis - Songbird Begins to Play

Ricky: What's he doing? Is he playing a record?

Steve: Karl, what can I do to get back on your quiz team?

Karl: You're not.

Steve: Come on.

Song: Oasis - Songbird

Sick of It

Ricky: Right. "Songbird", Oasis. Right, send Karl a little present. Send him some essential oils or sommat or, uh- do you know what I mean, a little lavender pillow or- just a little- little message. Send him a little message. Tell him it's all worth it. He's gettin' all grumpy, aren't ya?

Karl: I just get sick of it, that's all. It's not worth the f- going through the stress for thirty quid every Saturday.

Ricky: You lieing little- you'd get more than thirty quid.

Karl: Mm... Not much more. Anyway, Steve, who's the winner?

Steve: The winner is Mike McNulty, he correctly answered the fact that there were four films featuring Hannibal Lecter.

Ricky: There's a downer now, innit? There's a downer.

Steve: I think it was you, actually. I mean, I- I- I don't know, Karl, I'm not- it's not like I'm just trying to win myself a place on your team--

Ricky Laughs Slightly

Steve: But, I actually felt that Ricky was really out of order this week.

Ricky: I gave- I gave him grapes.

Steve: I thought you- I thought Ricky was--

Ricky: Grape--

Steve: Was discourteous, if that's a word, I thought he was rude, aggressive, unpleasant... as- as one person emailed in, "a dickhead".

Ricky Giggles Slightly

Steve: (Laughing Slightly) So... Someone also said you were fat and talentless.

Ricky: All right.

Steve: So, uhm- so, uhm, awwww, I don't like those emailers who do that sort of thing but one of 'em said you were really, really annoyin'.... and that they didn't want you to--

Karl: Well, cheers for that but you're still not on my team.

Ricky Laughs

Karl: So... back next week?

Steve: What did you say?

Ricky: (Laughing Slightly) He said, "Cheers for that but you're still no--"