03 January 2004/Transcript

From [[Main_Page|Pilkipedia]], the Karl Pilkington encyclopaedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

This is a transcription of the 03 January 2004 episode, from Xfm Series 3.

The Public Have Been Waiting

Song: Kings Of Leon - California Waiting

Ricky: Kings Of Leon, California Waiting. Steve, the public have been waiting for us to return.

Steve: Well that's true enough.

Ricky: Alright?

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: They had the Best Of...

Steve: Aww.

Ricky: ...last week.

Steve: I bet that was a joy.

Ricky: They had Camfield and us, without Karl, the week before, but it's er, been a while since we've all been together. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me is Steve Merchant, and over there, with his little sunburnty baldy head, little Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Wheeey!

Steve claps

Ricky: Alright?

Karl: Yep. Tha-that wasn't Steve slapping my head then, by the way.

Ricky: No, that was just him clapping, like Steve Wright in the afternoon...

Steve: It's a great show.

Ricky: ...cos he's, he's so....it is a great show.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: He's so pleased that we're a posse, and we're all back together. That's three holidays Karl's had this year. Last year.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I'd love to have three holidays. You've got to start putting the work in...

Karl: No, I had two holidays, though.

Ricky: No, you had three holidays! You went away with, er, Suzanne and her parents.

Karl: Yeah, well that doesn't count.

Ricky: It does count. If you book..if you book two weeks off the firm, and you go away, and you go "How was your holiday go?" "Well, it didn't really count, it wasn't a really good holiday. Can I have them days back please?" You.....oh. My new year's resolution is to be nicer to you. But...

Steve: Well done, you've already broken that.

Ricky: ...talk sense. No, but talk sense. Talk sense. You've had three holidays this year, and I'm just saying. You-you're in your thirties now, and thirties is when you should really be putting the work in...

Steve: That's true enough.

Ricky: ...to reap the benefits in your forties, fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties, nineties and a hundred.

Steve laughs

Steve: Karl, what's your new year resolution? What about 'think before you speak'?

Ricky laughs

Steve: It's worth..it...

Ricky: See, I'm allowed to laugh. I'm allowed to laugh at things other people say, Karl. That one...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That is a good suggestion! How was your holiday, Karl?

Karl: Errr.......it was alright.

Ricky: Right. Brilliant.

Steve: But that, I don't see...on the kind of, on the ratio of good to bad in Karl's mind, that might be amazing...

Ricky: That might be amazing.

Steve: ...'cause we never hear him singing the praises of anything.

Ricky: I tell you what, can we have a, you know, cracking little tune, then come back and hear about Karl's holiday?

Steve: I'd love to do that.

Ricky: Let's keep it tight.

Keep A Couple, Fill The Rest In

Song: Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart

Ricky: Love Will Tear Us Apart, by Joy Division. Now, I can't put my finger on it, but that doesn't sound like the original. And it's off a compilation. It sounded a bit fast, I think the vocal's slightly different. If anyone can, you know, put me out my misery, I think it might have been a session of the time, or something.

Steve: Karl, here's a little new year resolution for you, another one. Maybe when we ask you to get a song, get the er, original single version...

Ricky: I could be wrong.

Steve: ...and not some obscure session.

Ricky: It does seem different, doesn't it?

Steve: Very odd.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Maybe we just remember it wrongly. But anyway, that's XFM for you. 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant; Karl Pilkington. Karl, you went to Lanzarote. People said "don't go to Lanzarote", they told you it was Lanze-grotty, they told you, were they right or wrong?

Karl: They were right, yeah.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: Yeah, it's a bit ropey, yeah.

Ricky: Is it, why?

Karl: Just er....nowt there. If it wasn't for the...for the volcano they had, they'd be knackered.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That's their...that's their big draw is it?

Karl: That's, that's it basically. That's all they've got going for them.

Steve: When you landed, was it really hot, did you..initally were you quite excited, you were thinking "this is okay"?

Karl: Yeah it was warm, it's, you know, can't complain about the weather, the weather was alright.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: You know what I mean? That's what I went for, but it'd be nice if...if there just was something else.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What did you do all day then? Did you read your Rich Hall book?

Karl: Err, no, I didn't read that. I read that book, do you know that book that I bought and all the chapters were messed up?

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: I bought a better version of that.

Ricky: Oh right.

Karl: And I read that.

Ricky: Excellent.

Karl: And then er...

Ricky: Did it make more sense in order?

Karl: Yeah, a lot easier to follow.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And then we went and had a look at the volcanoes and that, they've got thirty six of them to look at.

Ricky: How many did you look at before you realised you've, you know, pretty much you've seen one volcano you've seen them all?

Karl: Probably about...six or seven.

Ricky: Really? And then when you got to the eighth you thought "Now I know what this is going to be, Suzanne. This is going to be, like, a mountain with a hole in the top."

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Really?

Karl: But it happened years ago as well, it's like, just keep a couple, fill the rest in. Tidy it up.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Fill the rest in!

Steve: Yeah, I know, yeah.

Ricky: What, get in some builders?

Karl: No, seriously though...

Ricky: "Can I have four million tonnes of concrete, please?"

Steve: They're an absolute deathtrap.

Ricky: Yeah, what...yeah...what do you mean, fill 'em in? Do you know what a volcano is?

Karl: Just a hole innit, that's happened.

Ricky: Well it's more than a hole, it's more a portal to the magma in the center of the earth.

Karl: Back in 1730, it happened, and they still haven't sorted it out.

Ricky: Well when you say "it happened", volcanoes were made a lot longer ago...

Karl: No, no...

Ricky: ...than 1730!

Karl: But the one that did Lanzarote in.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Sort it out.

Ricky: What do you suggest? How can they fill it in, it's joined, it's all joined. Under...

Karl: No, but what I'm saying is...

Ricky: ...big plates of the Earth are all joined, all the magma's joined.

Karl: ...it was a disaster, wasn't it? With the, with the Trade Center thing. That happened, they cleaned it up, sorted it out, they've moved on. That's what I'm saying. Whereas Lanzarote have just gone "leave it". It happened back in 1730.

Ricky: No, you misunderstand me. How in the name of God can you fill in a volcano, you ignorant twit?

Karl: No, but it's not just the holes, they've actually left the lava everywhere. That's what I mean. It's not just the big holes, there's lava everywhere.

Ricky: But...it's molten rock. They can't just pick it up, like they're...like a carpet.

Karl: Put it in the holes, the holes are there ready, just push it all in.

Ricky laughs

Karl: That's what I'm saying.

Steve: What, erm, what exactly is there then? Is it just a kind of moon-like kind of surround with just, kind of dust and rocks?

Karl: That's exact....you see, I was there when the Mars thing all went wrong.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: I would have just sent a camera crew there.

Ricky and Steve laugh

Karl: Filmed a bit of that, right, say "here we are, this is it. Ignore the little coffee shop in the background. This is Mars." 'Cause that's what it's like, just loads of dust...

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: ...er, holes everywhere, tidy it up...

Ricky: Little round headed aliens, complaining.

Steve: Whinging.

Ricky: Just like Mars! So is there any..what's the best bit about the holiday? Come on, pretend you're Judith Chalmers.

Karl: I have been doing. I would have done all that. I would have said that. Don't bother.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: I mean the hotel was good.

Ricky: Yeah?

Karl: That was alright.

Ricky: What was that like?

Karl: S'alright. Just, you know, clean. That's all you want, innit?

Ricky: See, that's not quite what Judith Chalmers does, she doesn't go "What's the hotel like? Alright, clean innit...alright". What was it like? Was it, what was it, three star? Four star? Did it have a swimming pool?

Karl: Yeah, it had a swimming pool and that.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, yeah. It was good. You know, I think it was one of the better ones on the island.

Ricky: Okay.

Karl: Erm...

Steve: Nightlife?

Karl: Er...wasn't really...

Steve: Clubs? Bars?

Karl: Wasn't really any. There was a bar, there was some bands playing.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Er, not very good. Erm....food. Food got a bit boring.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: It was always the same food every night, but they sort of themed it and made out as if it was different, so like, on Mexican night it'd be chicken with a nacho on it.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: And Chinese night it'd be chicken with a little prawn cracker on it and stuff.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: That got a bit boring.

Ricky's phone makes a sound

Ricky: Erm, that's just me turning on my phone, 'cause I want to read to you a text...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: ...that I got from Karl. I think you sort of sum up the holiday in..in this text, don't you? Can you remember it?

Karl: I can't remember.

Ricky: Let's have a look, let's have a little look...

Steve: Incidentally, what did Suzanne, your girlfriend, make of it?

Karl: Erm...

Steve: Similar view to you? That they should fill in the er, the holes?

Karl: Yeah, it's just that thing you see, I went on a coach trip, right? And you go and see the volcanoes. Like I say, there's thirty six of them, which, you know, how many do you need? And er, when we're on the coach going round all these volcanoes, the fella on the front's going "And er, look out your left window at the moment, there's a..there's a volcano. And er, if you quickly look out the right hand side there, there's another one, and on the left..." and it's just like, alright, we've seen it!

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Do you know what I mean?

Steve: Sure.

Karl: And that, that tr-I mean we'll talk about that trip...

Ricky: Right, this is the text I got, from Karl, right? "Alright? Been up to a volcano. Been in some dead artist's house who built his house in the lava. They said they would show me science with volcanoes, but all they did was chuck some water in a..in a hole and it shot up in the air. No dwarves in the canteen. No Scousers here, but there is a Swede woman with a big head. She looks effing gormless with a cap on."

Steve laughs

Ricky: Alright? So, a little reference there to...

Steve: "A Swede woman?"

Ricky: What's that mean, do you mean Swedish?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Or she looked like a vegetable?

Karl: No a..a Swedish woman. But they've all got sort of..quite big built, aren't they?

Ricky: I sent..I sent him a text: "Oh well, it's just good to be on holiday 'cause, you know, I'm working". He sent back, "So am I. Just been watching Sky News. There is a school for monkeys who want to get a band together".

Ricky and Steve laugh

Steve: Is that Monkey News for later?

Ricky laughs

The Coach Driver Is Pretty Much God

Song: Tim Burgess - Oh My Corazon

Ricky: Oh My Corazon, by Tim Burgess. I can't get enough of that, I love that chorus.

Steve: Mmhmm.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant and little Karl Pilkington. But, it was a nice holiday?

Karl: Yeah, it's alright, it's just, er, I went there to relax and that-

Ricky: Exactly.

Karl: -did a little bit of that. Er, trying to think of some new, you know, features and stuff.

Ricky: Sure, always working, always working.

Karl: Erm...

Ricky: Three holidays a year, Jesus.

Karl: Well, not really three, more like two.

Ricky: It's all one, one big work thing to me and Steve.

Karl: Just two. Two holidays, innit? Work hard, you need the holidays. Er, so, yeah, the things that annoyed me was, like, you get bored sat round the pool after a couple of days. I'd read my book-

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: -er, you know, there wasn't much going on on the-

Ricky: There weren't many crabs to throw sand at, was there?

Karl: No crabs or anything, they wouldn't bother with Lanzarote, right? So er, decided to go on a little, a little trip. That's when I saw the volcanoes and that, thirty six of 'em. Er, so, we go on the trip, and the thing that annoys me, it does happen every holiday that you go on, if you go on a sort of package thing-

Steve: Mmhmm.

Karl: -they have these trips, right? And you pay about forty-odd quid, and they give you some wine, to sort of make you feel like you're getting your money's worth. But, er-

Ricky: How many of these trips have you been on then?

Karl: Er..

Ricky: Loads?

Karl: Probably about twelve.

Ricky: Ohh, more holidays than I've had. Go on.

Karl: Yep. Well er...

Ricky: Yeah, go on.

Karl: So anyway, you're on the, on the coach, right? And they take you, for the volcanoes they took us in the middle of nowhere-

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: -right? There's nothing else round there-

Steve: Sure.

Karl: It's, it-like I say, it's like Mars, but with holes in the ground, right? And er, they sort of drop you off, and they go "Right everybody, er, see you back here in an hour. Er, there's loads of volcanoes for you to look at. Er, and a coffee shop over there". And you know for a fact, right, you don't need an hour there. You could just say "Well, just keep the engine running because I'll have a look in this hole, we'll get back on, give us five minutes".

Ricky laughs

Karl: You don't need an hour. But you know that they've got something going on-

Ricky: It's a backhander, definitely.

Steve: What, with the coffee shop?

Ricky: Definitely-

Karl: Definitely.

Ricky: -definitely, yeah. Yeah, they go there, they get everyone to have an ice cream and a coffee, they, you know, sit down and have a fag talking to the bloke. Yeah, and it's like, yeah, cousins. Yeah.

Karl: Have you ever-

Steve: How much was the coffee? Was it extortionately priced?

Karl: Probably about, probably about three, er...well it's Euros so I think it was about 3.50.

Steve: Sure. Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Which is, I dunno, what, that's about two and a half quid innit, or something?

Steve: Yeah, they stitched you up. Well I remember we were on a-it was a family trip to France once, we went to Paris. We got the coach, coming back from Paris to one of the ferries, one of the ports, Calais or wherever it was. Coach trip, that's quite a long coach trip, and at one point we were thinking "this is odd, we're on the motorway, we're making good progress". Suddenly, we came off the motorway, we must have gone, like, forty minutes out of our way, ended up in this street, completely empty, little French town. And er, pull up outside this, what appears to be a restaurant, and a guy jumps on dressed as a, like a Butlins redcoat. He's French, but he's putting on a kind of English accent. He goes "'Ello, er, thank you very much. Top of the morning, good morning, hello. Erm, come in, we've got food, drink, eh? Go upstairs, we've got rooms if you want to have a rest, eh, or play around. No? It's up to you". And er, we all had to funnel off this thing into this restaurant, and this one family went "Well we don't want to go in the restaurant, we've brought sandwiches, we just want to get to the port, we're not interested". And they said "Well you've got to come in the restaurant". They went "well we don't want to come in the restaurant". So the guy said "well I'll have to lock you in the coach". So this family were locked in the coach while we all traipsed off in. I could just look-I looked back and just saw this kid with his face pressed up against the glass.

Ricky laughs

Steve: "Take me with you. I want to go in the restaurant". They were just stuck in there, I mean, absolutely livid, as you would be.

Ricky: That's definitely a backhander.

Steve: But we went inside and it was extraordinary, 'cause initially you had to pass through a souvenir shop-

Karl: Yep.

Steve: -to get into the restaurant.

Ricky: Perfect.

Steve: And he'd just, he'd obviously-it was catered entirely to English tourists. So there was like, pictures of the Queen and Prince Charles on the wall. It was done out in a kind of mock Tudor style. It's absolutely extraordinary, I, it was just-it was almost so bizarre, 'cause it's so out of the way. Did it, did that come before the coach, er scam, or did the coach guy knows it, is it a brother of his? I don't know how those things come about, but erm-

Ricky: But I know, it is, it is-yeah.

Steve: But is that going on in this country?

Ricky: Yeah, I'm sure it is.

Steve: To French and German tourists?

Ricky: Yeah, I'm sure it is.

Karl: Is it?

Ricky: Yeah there's er, yeah I'm sure people say "Look, if you bring thirty people to this restaurant, I'll see you're alright". But it would, wouldn't it, you know, if you've got your favourites. Cos the coach driver's pretty much God on those things. Those people don't know where they're going anyway.

Karl: Yeah, but at least here there's other stuff around. You don't really get that 'in the middle of nowhere' situation in this country.

Ricky: Well not really. Not if you're going from er, London to Manchester, you could stop off anywhere. They don't know where they are. You know, there's places with nothing to do or see. It's that-what are those attractions, they're all-there's loads of them in America, but there's a few here like, you know, Sheep World. And er, you know, you go out to Gloucester and there's a town and it's got the biggest cotton reel in the world. And that's it, there's a tourist shop, a big cotton reel and some bloke at the gate going "It's a quid to see it, there it is. Alright?"

Steve: I went to erm, I know it's quite a big-I went to a shire horse centre once-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -but when did shire horses become so, so popular that they got their own theme parks?

Ricky: Well there's, I think-I think there's a museum for everything.

Steve: Possibly so.

Ricky: I don't think you could think of summat that didn't have a museum in Britain. 'Cause obviously museums start off sometimes by fans-

Steve: But this is it, do people keep coming round, going "I hear you've got a shire horse, I'd love to see it".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "Well I can't, people come all the time to see my shire horse-"

Ricky: "You should get another one 'cause I'd pay double".

Steve: "I'd pay good money to see your shire horses".

Ricky: Yeah, yeah!

Steve: Shire horses?! Have you seen them? They don't do anything, they're not like monkeys!

Ricky: They're not like monkeys, no.

Steve: Just grand, elegant creatures. But you look at them in a picture or look at them in real life, pretty much the same thing. They're not doing anything.

Ricky: If they-if they could train a shire horse to swing on a rope and masturbate-

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: I'd pay double.

Steve: You'd pay good money.

Ricky: I'd pay double for that.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: There's a museum in Italy, when we went there a couple of years back, Suzanne had a, like, one of those little guide things. Museum there just for spaghetti.

Ricky laughs

Karl: Well I mean, open a restaurant.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Was it interesting spaghetti? Spaghetti in different shapes?

Karl: Dunno. Dunno, didn't go, I went to see a big hole in the ground.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: Can't get enough of 'em.

Ricky: Well er, but out of ten then? Erm, what would you give it out of ten, all in all? Food...food, location, relaxation, you know, enjoyment.

Karl: Yeah, that's, that's....six.

Ricky: Okay. Brilliant.

Karl: Six. Yeah.

Ricky: Next week, where are you going next week? You're not on holiday next week?

Karl: No. Going away with Suzanne's mam and dad again. This year-

Ricky: Five holidays.

Karl: -been roped into that.

Ricky: Play a record. You've got to put some work in, you're in your thirties now. You've got to knuckle down.

Song: Starsailor - Silence Is Easy

Barometer World

Song: Turin Brakes - Mind Over Money

Ricky: Turin Brakes, Mind Over Money. XFM 104.9. I'm Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, little Karl Pilkington.

Steve: Yeah. Couple of emails. People have erm, have visited various er, tourist attractions-

Ricky: Oh yeah?

Steve: Er, let me see, who's this from? Er, not quite sure, but thanks very much indeed for it. Er, there's a link here, it's apparently in Devon, Barometer World.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Erm, the world of barometers, it was established in 1979. And, er-

Ricky: By one bloke who had a lot, and thought "I can charge a quid for this". Definitely.

Steve: Here's the, er-

Ricky: Out of his own house, probably. Converted back scuttle.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: That's not, that's not a euphemism for a sexual act. Erm-

Steve: But looking at the webpage here Rick, there's a beautiful barometer being held by a beautiful lady.

Ricky: Lovely. Who's definitely his daughter.

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Definitely. "Come on Kathy". "Dad, no!" "Come on, get-undo your top a little bit". "Dad!" Definitely made to do that.

Steve: Yeah. That slight look of 'I hope no-one I know sees this'-

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: -'checks out Barometer World'.

Ricky: Barometer World!

Steve: Yeah that's available, if you want to check that out - www.barometerworld.com. That's on the, er-

Ricky: Now...barometers. Do-well one, do they work?

Steve: They're to do with checking-

Ricky: Two..

Steve: -is it the air pressure?

Ricky: Well, everything. But I think that's what it's based on, isn't it. Sort of low and high pressure, so it's gonna rain, it's not gonna rain.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Or, gonna be windy or, but I wonder how accurate they are.

Steve: I think in the days before, erm, satellite sort of, er, weather surveillance systems, probably essential.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Nowadays-

Ricky: As essential as hanging some seaweed out by the back door?

Steve: Probably.

Ricky: I think it's probably similar. I think it's the same one as holding a needle and thread over a pregnant woman. "If it goes clockwise it be a boy".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky laughs

Steve: The thing about a barometer is, how, erm, how far into the future can it predict?

Ricky: Exactly-

Steve: 'Cause if it's-

Ricky: -how do you know?

Steve: 'Cause if it's a case of, you may as well stick your head out the window to see if it's raining-

Ricky: Exactly, this barometer goes, it goes "Ooh, it's gonna be windy and rainy". "When?" Barometer goes, "Soonish?".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "Can't say but it will, it will-within seven days".

Steve: "I don't want to be specific 'cause you'll have me".

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: "You'll, you'll-"

Ricky: "I mean, I'm just a barometer, I'm not really, a weatherperson".

Steve: Can't really analyse the information.

Ricky: Yeah. Brilliant.

Steve: What's in there, what's happening in there? What chemicals are being affected, how does it work, I have no idea?

Ricky: I don't know, I assume it's probably something-

Steve: Wait a minute, let me email Barometer World.

Ricky: What could it be? It could be mercury that's based on a sort of temperature that goes up the...oh no it's not temperature, is it, barometer? It's pressure.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: So er, it's probably just very fine, it's like a fine, very, very fine needle, isn't it?

Steve: This is almost as embarrassing as last time we were on, we couldn't figure out what the name of the leader of China was. Was it the king of China?

Ricky laughs

Steve: Prince of China?

Ricky: Oh, this is where we were trying to imagine what it would be like if all the Chinese people, at once, jumped up and down-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -and made a big tidal wave.

Steve: An enormous tidal wave. But if you do know what the name of the leader of China is, we don't mean the name of the particular person in charge, but if it's the king of China, the emperor of China? The chancellor of China?

Ricky: It used to be an emperor didn't it? Oh no, that was Japan.

Steve: Yeah, this is it, I don't what's the big guy in charge. Is he still the chairman, I know there was Chairman Mao, was in power, I think he was just the chairman though. I think he just governed all the big meetings.

Ricky: Yeah. I don't know.

Steve: He just kept the minutes.

Ricky: Head Chinaman?

Steve: Head Chinaman. The major Chinaman. The top Chinaman.

Ricky: We're pathetic.

Steve: The number one Chinaman.

Ricky: We-do you know what, we're going to be honest here, we know so little about China.

Steve laughs

Steve: It's true.

Ricky: We know so little about China, it's embarrassing.

Steve: But if you've got any interesting facts about China, then er, email in. [email protected]. Also, I imagine, the email address to use if you're going to take part in this week's Rockbusters.

Ricky: I did read an interesting fact. Erm, researched it, I'm doing a show called Politics and I was researching, and there's a thing about, erm-

Steve: What, you went online?

Ricky: -about sweatshops. Yeah, no, no, no. Sweatshops, erm, like...Nike, er, these facts, right? And erm, er, there's these people get, like, a few cents an hour, and the CEO, I forget his name, for a Chinese woman to earn his 5.2 billion, she'd have to work, erm, eight hours a day, seven days a week for ten thousand years. But Steve, they don't.

Steve: They don't.

Ricky: They don't. They obviously don't wanna-

Steve: Exactly

Ricky: They don't want to earn-

Steve: Lazy. Lazy, Rick.

Ricky laughs

Have Any Of Us Ever Met Any Gay People?

Song: Ian Dury and The Blockheads - Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick

Ricky: Ian Dury and The Blockheads, Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick.

Steve: Rick, are you likely to be going to, er, Cumbria on your, erm, standup tour?

Ricky: Er...almost certainly not, why?

Steve: It's just that you might want to visit the Cumberland Pencil Museum. Erm, that's a journey through the history of pencil making.

Ricky: I do like pencils.

Steve: Really?

Ricky: Yeah, I just used one then.

Steve: I see what you mean.

Ricky: So er-

Steve: Do you have any idea how that was made?

Ricky: Er, no was it-

Steve: Let me email them.

Ricky: Erm, now....Chinese people.

Steve: Oh, incidentally it's the Premier of China. The Premier.

Ricky: Premier. Premier. Oh right, yeah, oh yeah. Sure. I remember now.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Last, er-when you were away, erm, Karl, we worked out, if, erm, if there's one in ten people are sort of like, gay in some way, er, with a billion Chinese people, there's a hundred thousand little erm, little gay, lesbian Chinese fellas of some sort. What do you think of that?

Karl: What do you mean?

Ricky: Well, if, I think some sort of form of, erm, gayocity, whatever it's called, er is sort of like one in ten. Right?

Steve: One in ten people are gay, apparently.

Ricky: That's-

Karl: Right.

Ricky: That does seem a bit high though, doesn't it?

Steve: I thought it was, I thought it was lower than that.

Ricky: What, you mean more than that?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I don't think so. I think that's of any sort of nature, anything-

Karl: But what time did they do the survey on the streets as well? 'Cause you know how they go out late, so if they're doing the survey sort of around lunchtime, forget it, they're not going to get any.

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You know what I mean? They're all asleep.

Steve: But if they're out at, say, one in the morning.

Karl: Well...

Ricky: It's gonna be higher, innit?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Well, the thing is, you know Karl's favourite song, The Killing Of Georgie?

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: A little fella-A little gay fella goes out and er, he gets, erm, beaten up and that. Karl went "Yeah, but would it have happened if he'd been going out at a decent time?"

Steve: True.

Ricky: But clearly in the lyric it says "Georgie left the theatre before the final curtain fell".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Now, theatres finish about half ten.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: So, even giving him half an hour, I reckon it was only about eleven o'clock. So, you're talking rubbish there.

Karl: Are you sure that wasn't his curtains in his flat, and he's closing them before he goes out?

Ricky: No, he was at the theatre. But I tell you what, I just realised summat. Whereas maybe most people were going home after the theatre, he was just going out.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: That theatre to him is like a matinee-

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: -innit? He's off out clubbing, isn't he? He's off down, he's gonna get some amyl, he's gonna get a couple of buttplugs and he's gonna-he's not even gonna start dancing til midnight, is he?

Steve: Have-have any of us ever met any gay people?

Ricky laughs

Steve: It's just, I mean, our view of them is, I don't know, erm....email in if you've met a gay person.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: Tell us where we er, where we're going wrong.

Ricky: Yeah. "Have any of us ever met a gay person!"

Steve: I mean, the way we talk about them is just like, have we ever met Chinese people?

Ricky: Er...

Steve: I've seen them, I've seen them out there wandering the streets. I don't know if I've ever-

Ricky: Now here, now here's the irony. I definitely know, and have met, more little gay fellas than little Chinese fellas.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Have you ever made any little Chinese friends?

Steve: No, there was this girl at school who was Chinese but she was kind of inscrutable. Couldn't get close to her, she was sort of mysterious.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: Rockbusters?

Steve: Yeah, brilliant.

Karl: Right then, there is where I, er, give you a little cryptic clue and some initials, and it sort of makes up a band or an artist and that.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: "Sort of" being the operative phrase there.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Er...

Ricky: See how he reads this clue.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: This is gonna sound like Oscar Wilde

Steve: Clue number one!

Karl: Three different clues-

Ricky: Oscar Wilde was Chinese, apparently.

Steve: Was he?

Karl: -er-

Ricky: Yeah, it was legal then.

Karl: Right. Will you leave the entrance to my garden alone?

Ricky: Sorry?

Karl: Will you leave the entrance to my garden alone?

Steve: Are we back on the gay thing or is this-this is the clue?

Karl: That's the clue. Clue for Rockbusters number one. Just leave the entrance to my garden alone, will you?

Ricky: Right, that doesn't count, 'cause I know what it is.

Steve: And what was-what were the initials?

Karl: What's the initials?

Ricky: GG.

Karl: Correct.

Ricky: Right. Yeah. But you've got to pronounce the artist correctly. I'll pronounce the artist, 'cause I know what it is.

Karl: Don't ruin it.

Ricky: No, I know, when the artist comes, I'll pronounce the artist.

Steve: Right, can we just focus please, on the quiz? Go. What was the clue again? Give it again.

Karl: Will you leave the entrance to my garden alone? Stop messing with it. Alright? GG.

Steve: Okay.

Karl: Right?

Steve: Next.

Ricky: Doesn't count.

Steve: Next!

Ricky: Incorrect.

Karl: Er, don't phone but you can send a message on my mobile if you want. Right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: That's T. Another little, little easy one. And er, the last one. We were sharing out the male sheep-

Ricky: Right that one doesn't count either

Steve: Can we just-RICK!

Ricky: I know what that is, I know what that is.

Steve: I don't care, we'll come to that later.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: And number three, we were sharing out the male sheep, and I think I got the best one. Right? DG.

Steve: DG?

Karl: Yeah. So quickly again. Will you leave the entrance to my garden alone? Stop messing about with it. Right? GG. Don't phone but you can send us a message on my mobile if you want. Right? That was T. And the last one, we were sharing out the male sheep and I got the best one, so that's good. Right? DG.

Steve: Alright. [email protected], have we got any prizes?

Karl: Er, you want to have a look?

Steve: Well don't worry about it, just-

Ricky: Oh, this is pathetic.

Steve: Don't worry about it, have we got any prizes?

Ricky: Just-

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Look, the clues are rubbish. The clues don't work, the show-I mean, this is pathetic. Play a record.

Steve: That's what it should be called, 'And The Clues Don't Work'!

Ricky laughs

Song: Ryan Adams - So Alive

Just One Big Group Hug!

Song: Blur - Out Of Time

Ricky: Blur, Out Of Time, on XFM. Well we're not out of time, we've still got an hour left boys.

Steve: Wahey!

Ricky: Luckily.

Steve: Brilliant. Lot of emails, obviously, about the Chinese. People as fascinated as we are. I don't want to discuss it, you know, interminably, Rick, 'cause there's so much to say and we've said so much of it in the past. Got a couple of emails, in fact Karl, I think you told us this information, remind me of it again? If all the Chinese people in the world were-

Karl: Were in a line and that, 'cause there's loads of them you'd never get to the end of it.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: No, it's not that.

Karl: It is that.

Ricky: No, if all the Chinese people formed a line and started walking out of China, you'd never get to the end of it.

Karl: That's what I just said.

Ricky: No, it's because though, erm-

Steve: That, that-

Ricky: -they'd be having babies, erm, you know what I mean? Still. It'd be adding to it all the time, wouldn't you?

Steve: But would they be-would they be walking and shagging, and having babies as they're walking out?

Ricky: Yeah. There's, that is, yeah.

Steve: I'd love to see someone organise that. Maybe the Record Breakers team.

Ricky: I tell you what, I'd love to see Ross McWhirter, or Norris, whoever's-who is it? Who's the one that's alive?

Steve: I forget. Norris, I think.

Ricky: Norris, right. I'd love to see him co-ordinate that.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: One point two billion little Chinese fellas, boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl.

Steve: Yeah. And where are they walking out of China? Which exit are they taking?

Ricky: They're taking the-

Steve: Through Tibet, or?

Ricky: -it's the, I think it's the er, gate nine slip road of the M43-

Steve: Right.

Ricky: -to St. Petersburg. Right? And they go "And walking. And shagging".

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: 'Cause some presumably are dying as they're leaving.

Ricky: No, but they live to a hundred and twenty.

Steve: That's true.

Ricky: So-

Steve: So they claim.

Ricky: -so, well, we know Karl's theory on that. Do you want to tell new listeners your theory about-

Karl: Nah, leave it.

Ricky: -when these Chinese people get the records for oldest people in the world. Come on! What's your theory, Karl?

Karl: Leave it.

Ricky: Karl!

Karl: Just that they're probably lying-

Ricky: Why?

Karl: -that's all. 'Cause a lot of them don't age that well. Some of them do, a lot of them don't. And they always look older than they are. I read the other day, right, do you the one who's the oldest woman in the world? Right, Chinese woman? Erm, the way she did it, it was-

Ricky: She didn't die. That was-that was the secret. What she did, she got up every day and didn't die.

Karl: No, no, she er, she was, like, awake and that and then she'd have two days just sleeping.

Steve: Right.

Karl: So she wasn't really that old.

Ricky: What do you mean?

Karl: Well she'd only sort of lived half of her life, in a way-

Ricky: Well we all live-

Karl: -so she was only seventy-odd.

Ricky: -two thirds of our lives, don't we?

Karl: No but she, she was like, awake and that and then she'd go "Oh, I'm going to bed" and then that'd be it for two days.

Steve: Talking of sleeping, oh man alive I went to see the last part of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy.

Ricky: Why?!

Steve: Well, it's like a family thing now, every, every Christmas my family and I have been going to see the Lord Of The Rings, the next installment. It's like a family thing.

Ricky: What will you do if they keep making them?

Steve: Oh, I tell y-I've wasted now, about ten hours of my life for that tripe.

Ricky: You can never get that back.

Steve: I can never get that back. That's what Peter Jackson owes me, ten hours now he owes me, of my life. It's absolute drivel.

Ricky: Well, I know.

Steve: We've said this before, I don't want to harp on again about it, but I cannot fathom why everyone is so excited and loves these films so much. Like you say, people, reviews saying it's the best film ever

Ricky: Ever.

Steve: "I think this is the greatest movie I'll ever see". And I don't-and it's like they go "Oh but look at all the fight sequences".

Ricky: But Tolkien being there in literature like, you know what I mean? Sort of like "Shakespeare. Tolkien". No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No.

Steve: But what is it that he's writing about exactly?

Ricky: I don't know.

Steve: Little midget fellas who can't get shoes.

Ricky laughs

Steve: One-I mean I've got big feet, I've got size fourteen, I can get shoes.

Ricky: Oh, God-

Steve: Send off for them, mail order.

Ricky: But I know, it-it's-it is like, it's like er, Harry Potter taken seriously.

Steve: Yeah!

Ricky: But I know who's watching it. It's like these people who are watching it are obviously nerds, people who live in Forbidden Planet, they love it, they can't believe their luck. It's like-

Steve: That's the core audience but it's obviously bigger than that.

Ricky: But then, but then it's also people who think they can have a go, like menopausal women thinking "Well I'll write a book then. Glompling came into the cave".

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Right? And, and their, and their sort of like, thirteen year old son who never showed an interest in anything except glue, now writes 'Orc'-

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: -on his exercise book. And so they're loving it, it's like-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -oh, God.

Steve: It's uniting, bringing people together. But at the end, right, I mean it's taken them now nine hours to get from one part of Middle Earth to the end-the other end so they can get-destroy the ring, the evil ring.

Ricky: Did they do a line? Was it-

Steve: I don't know what they-

Ricky: -like little Chinese fellas?

Steve: And erm, it's taken them nine hours of their time and my life, as well, to get there. And er, at the end they all seem to find-

Ricky: Did they do it in real time? Why didn't they edit it?

Steve: Oh. That's what it felt like. It really, it can't have-it must have taken them less time, you know, within the logic of the book to get there than it did for me to watch it.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And erm, at the end, they-they sort of say goodbye to each other and they all hug, so there's like, you know, there's little midget one, you know, Freedo, Fr-Frodo, Freda, saying goodbye to, you know, Bjorn and Benny.

Ricky: What are they calling the thing? Because are they PC in it, are they called, like, midgets and dwarves?

Steve: No, they're called, er, hobbits.

Ricky: Oh, are they?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So, we should call small people hobbits from now on?

Steve: Yes. That's what-yeah, just to make it topical and they'll like that as well. Give 'em sort of, you know-

Ricky: So if you see a little-on the way home if you saw a little-

Steve: Midget fella.

Ricky: -four foot midget fella, just call-say "Excuse me, hobbit".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Okay, that's fine then.

Steve: Call him Frodo.

Ricky laughs

Steve: "Oi, Frodo!" He'd like it, he'd love it, 'cause everyone loves the Lord Of The Rings films.

Ricky: They love it-

Steve: But at the end, if you ever get to the end, they all, they all hug each other they say-well basically Frodo has to say goodbye to all his other little fellas. So he's hugging, there's-I don't know how many there are. And he's hugging them, right? And it is the most interminable thing I've ever seen. It's like, the music's playing, they look into each other's eyes, he hugs them, he hugs, they pull back, look at each other again, like "Oh, we'll never see each other again". Then he hugs the next one, and I was just screaming, I was thinking hug, just one big group hug.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Then we can get out of here.

Ricky: Like an American football team.

Steve: Exactly. Go-

Ricky: Just go-

Steve: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Ricky: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Steve: And then shoot off.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Steve: Not each individual one.

Ricky: Ohhh.

Steve: I mean it's dragging on and on, and apparently on the DVD there's like, an extra sort of twenty minutes of extra footage of scenes he's cut out! Who's watching this tripe? Who cares?!

Ricky: I don't know.

Steve: I genuinely-I couldn't-

Ricky: Have we, have we lost some of our popularity by slagging off Lord Of The Rings?

Steve: I don't care, screw 'em. If you love it, if you can't live without Lord Of The Rings, screw you. I don't want you as a listener. I can't fathom it. Really, Rick, it's not like I'm being-I'm trying to be wayward or controversial, I can't get my head round the popularity-

Ricky: But doesn't Harry Potter annoy you as well though?

Steve: Yeah, but-

Ricky: Adults reading that on the Tube.

Steve: -at least it's kind of over in an hour and a half.

Ricky: Is it? I haven't seen it.

Steve: I mean, I went to the toilet three times during the course of the film.

Ricky: Really?

Steve: It was unbelievable. The woman sat next to me ate-

Ricky: Sexy stuff in it, was there?

Steve: Some of those little pixies with the pointed ears, it just took me back to all-Mr Spock.

Steve makes an orgasmic sound.

Steve: All those glorious days. But erm-

Ricky: Oh, dear.

Steve: Oh, it really is, just, I mean have you seen any of them? You've not bothered?

Ricky: I've seen one, and it was long, and I thought it was nicely filmed, and I thought well okay, I'll just get through it. I think-I even think, you know, it was just a list of "Oh, here come the orcs".

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: Right, we've seen the orcs now. Yeah.

Steve: But it's like, people go "Oh look at the amazing fight sequences, the amazing immense battles. And it's true, he's got thousands of actors and stuff on horses, brilliant. But I'm not impressed by good time management.

Ricky: No.

Steve: Well done, he's got all those people together, he's orchestrated it, well done. But you've got-it's got to be more interesting. My friend summed it up, he said the Lord Of The Rings films, they're like the film equivalent of an Enya song.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: And that, to me, is exactly right.

Ricky: Yeah, exactly.

Steve: Lots of billowing dresses-

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Steve: -slow, musical moments-

Ricky: That's good.

Steve: -people riding majestically on horses.

Ricky: Enya!

Steve: Constantly riding majestically everywhere.

Ricky: Dido's taken over from Enya in that sort of-

Steve: Well, possibly.

Ricky: -I've got a confession to make.

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: I like that latest Dido song.

Steve: Oh, play a song, let me just-

Ricky: I know, I know, I know, I thought I'd never-I don't know what to say.

Steve: Rick, what's going on mate? Let me explain something about Dido.

Ricky: Oh, God.

Imagine How Many Hours This Show Has Wasted

Song: Richard Ashcroft - Buy It In Bottles

Ricky: Buy It In Bottles, Richard Ashcroft. On XFM.

Steve: We've had an email which I think, I suppose, puts my hatred of Lord Of The Rings into perspective. It says "Yeah, you may have spent ten hours of your life wasting er, your time with Lord Of The Rings, but imagine how many hours of people's lives we-this show have wasted", for our listeners.

Ricky: Yeah, that's true, yeah.

Steve: I suppose it does, yeah, balance it-

Ricky: Two hours a week for a couple of years.

Steve: We can never give that back to people.

Ricky: It's, it's-I know, I suppose it mounts up, doesn't it?

Steve: Yeah. We should be doing some kind of community service for people. You know, popping round to mow their lawn.

Ricky: Well this is community service, innit? 'Cause Karl, it makes his brain work a little bit-

Steve: True.

Ricky: -and it, you know, it keeps him, keeps him er, you know, from going on holiday, sort of, for two hours a week. Which is good. We erm, spent new year's eve together, me and Karl.

Steve: Oh yeah?

Ricky: It was me and Jane, Karl and Suzanne. Her hair doesn't really look like Dave Hill, I must confess.

Karl: You didn't see it when it was done though.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah. She had the coat on, that you bought her to say sorry, didn't she?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: And er, Martin Freeman and his girlfriend Amanda. And er, er, Glyn. And erm, we all went for a meal-

Steve: Mmhmm.

Ricky: -and then we all went back to ours. And er, sort of saw in the new year and all that, and saw all the fireworks. And then, in the wee hours when the drinking seriously starts, we started playing parlour games.

Steve: Mmhmm.

Ricky: And, do you know that game where you go round, started off with erm, pop bands, you have to er, say a band, and they have to come up with a band immediately that starts with the letter that your, that your band ended with.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: So, Suede. E. Erasure. Do you know what I mean?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Go around. We did that, right. And then we had to change that, 'cause people were sort of using the-the same ones crop up. So I said, let's do animals. We were doing animals and er, I gave Karl one. I think Karl panicked. Do-do it quite quick, I'm gonna just test it on you.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Erm-

Steve: Is this bands, what is it?

Ricky: Er, I said, now what did I say? Er, say-here you are, basically I said an animal, and it ended with E. Okay? So I'll go, I'll go 'skate'.

Steve: Eagle.

Ricky: There you go.

Karl: Yeah, but hang on, I think I was the third person. Right, so think of another one.

Steve: ...

Karl: Hurry up.

Steve: Er, eel?

Ricky: Yeah, I had that, yeah. I did that one.

Karl: Alright.

Steve: Alright?

Ricky: Lot of E's coming up, elephant-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Do you know what Karl said?

Steve: Go on.

Ricky: Ready?

Steve: Yep.

Ricky: Egg.

Steve laughs

Steve: Oh...in a sense. I suppose.

Ricky: I went, "Egg?!", he went, "Yeah". I went, "No! wrong!" He went "Well it-what"-and then Martin came to his rescue and went, "Well what is an egg? Animal, vegetable or mineral?" I said, "Well it's animal. But, its...I...you can't have egg". He went-

Steve: Well would you allow 'tadpole'?

Ricky: Er, yes-

Steve: Aren't they similar?

Ricky: -'cause it's at a larval stage. Yeah I know, but egg, you might as well have leg. Or eye. Uterus. It, it, it doesn't count. Egg, you panicked. Brilliant.

Karl: I still think I'm right.

Ricky: Well you're not right.

Karl: Well...

Ricky: We were naming, you know-

Karl: Just a bit of fun though, innit?

Ricky: Yep.

Steve: Exactly. You may-why obey the rules-

Ricky: Exactly.

Steve: -it's just a bit of fun.

Ricky: That is true-

Steve: Don't bother with the rules.

Ricky: -that is true. That is true.

Steve: But you had the fireworks at new year did you?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: What, you had them yourself and-

Ricky: No, no, no, no, they were across the river, we could see them but er, actually very impressive and I'll tell you what, they got it right this year. Instead of two hours of letting off fireworks and people going "Oh, can we go now?", it was three minutes, and they spent a million pounds on the three minutes-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -and that's it. That's all you can stand, three minutes of fireworks. To me, fireworks are like watching Lord Of The Rings.

Steve: Exactly.

Ricky: I've never been impressed with them as a child-

Steve: Never been impressed.

Ricky: -never been impressed as an adult. But, a big bang and a huge, big explosion, that'll do me.

Steve: I used to go to-they used to have little community fireworks displays at Christmas, things like that, near our school, maybe in the school or at the local community centre. And I used to go along to them with the family and everything, get the sparklers, and they would have the fireworks, "Ahhh", and that would be-and I was just bored silly. And I always thought that if the guy organising it had wheeled out an enormous firework-

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: -climbed in, gone, "Last one to the moon's a bender!"-

Ricky laughs

Steve: -and then shot off, that, I would have been, "Yeah! Brilliant".

Ricky: That'd be good, yeah.

Steve: But everything's just interminable-

Ricky: Or, "Do you reckon I could take out that church from here?"

Steve: Yeah, exactly, yeah.

Ricky: Yep. Money on it, go on then.

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: That'd be worth it, wouldn't it? But little *zoom*, another one, oh, Christ.

Steve: A friend of mine was telling me they once had some indoor fireworks, which apparently is just, I mean imagine that, who needs indoor fireworks?

Ricky: Well I think that's just little, yeah, I think, one of the things-we got indoor fireworks once, when I was little, and I remember one of the fireworks was that little celluloid fish that you put in the palm of your hand-

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: And it goes, "Oh, you're sexy!"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What, it curled up 'cause of the heat of your hand? Yeah. Oh. You're dead. It didn't curl. Actually, it's granddad, he's dead-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -his hands are cold. Oh no. That's the only way that that would be, oh, yep-

Steve: That's the only test.

Ricky: How did you discover he was dead? We used one of those predictive fish, it came up dead.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Just flat.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Did you have a good time though, Karl?

Karl: What, at your place?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Yeah, it was a good night, wasn't it?

Ricky: We danced, didn't we?

Karl: Had a bit of a dance.

Steve: What, the two of you together?

Ricky: Yeah, Amanda had got one of those er, DVD films, no, you know, straight to DV-it goes straight to-

Steve: DVD?

Ricky: Yeah, amazing, right. And er, Karl was doing his moonwalking. I was doing some sort of jazz step wasn't I, sort of like Michael Jackson-

Karl: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: I ended up jumping on the couch with both feet and falling back straight on my back!

Steve: Course you did.

Ricky: I can't believe I was alright.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What's the chances of that? It's when you're drunk that it, you sort of like, you revert to childhood and you sort of bounce-

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: -so er, luckily-

Steve: Is that DVD going to be available in the shops later this year?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah!

VHS, I Hope

Song: Talking Heads - Uh Oh, Love Comes To Town

Steve: Track one, side one, the first Talking Heads album, 'Uh Oh, Love Comes To Town'.

Ricky: On XFM 104.9.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Well I think it's Rockbusters results innit?

Steve: Oh, okay.

Karl: Alright? Erm-

Ricky: Brilliant.

Karl: -do you want the prizes by the way?

Steve: Not really.

Karl: Not bothered?

Steve: No.

Karl: Right, there's some DVDs and videos and that-

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: -stuff and that-

Ricky: VHS I hope?

Karl: A couple.

Ricky: Four ninety nine.

Karl: There's that one about weather-

Ricky: TV titles. What?

Karl: -there's the weather one. That's gonna be on telly, Donal MacIntyre.

Ricky: Oh yeah.

Karl: That's in there, if you want that.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Erm-

Ricky: He reckons Donal MacIntyre ripped him off, 'cause he did a thing about how much it costs to own a chimp, Cheap As Chimps. What was the other thing you think someone ripped you off? Rockbusters.

Karl: Ken Bruce on Radio 2's doing Songs Of Phrase. He was doing that over Christmas. I take one week off, he's in there.

Steve: Steve laughs

Ricky: And when he heard that Donal MacIntyre was doing a programme about wind, he thought he was moving in on Auntie Nora.

Karl: Alright? So er, the first one, er...will you leave the entrance to my garden alone? Right, that was the cryptic clue. The initials were GG.

Ricky: Yeah...

Karl: That was 'Gerroff Gates'

Ricky: Gareth Gates. Gareth, Gareth-

Karl: 'Gerroff Gates, right?

Ricky: No, no, no, no, but it's Gareth Gates isn't it, so...why would you say to someone "Gareth"? Is that like a-what's that, a Manchester thing where you say Gareth?

Karl: "Oi, Gareth Gates.....Gareth-"

Ricky: Gareth, Gareth Gates, yeah. Gareth Gates, the bloke who came second in Pop Idol, yeah Gareth Gates.

Karl: So that's the first one-

Ricky: What was that about getting off the thing though? Leave my-leave my entrance alone though, I don't understand what it's got to do with leaving my entrance alone?

Karl: They get up to the garden-

Ricky: Yeah, I know the gates bit, but what's Gareth got to do with it-

Karl: The second one-

Ricky: -you ignoramus.

Karl: -was don't phone, but you can send me a message on my-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -on my mobile if you want. The initial was T.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Texas. Alright? Just-

Ricky: No, it's text. The word's text-

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: So you'd have to say text, er, me.

Karl: Texas.

Ricky: Text, what do you mean? No, text me. What's that?

{{Karl|The third one was er, we were sharing out the er, male sheep and that, right?

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And er, I got, I got the best one. DG. Right? We were sharing out the male sheep-

Ricky: Get to it!

Karl: -and I got the best one.

Ricky: It doesn't work anyway-

Karl: DG.

Ricky: -what is it?

Karl: Dealt A Good Ram.

Steve: Dealt A Good Ram? Dealt A Good Ram.

Karl: Dealt A Good Ram. So who's, who's the winner?

Steve: We're going to give it to Steven Gunning from Tooting, he's got all of those right, I don't know how. But well done to him but he wins, erm, some crap in a jiffy bag.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Literally.

Steve: U2 on XFM?

Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: Yeah.

Song: U2 - Electrical Storm

Look At The Gleam On That

Song: Snow Patrol - Run

Ricky: Snow Patrol, and Run, on XFM 104.9.

Steve: Yeah, not bad at all, not bad at all.

Ricky: So everyone had a good Christmas though then, really? Karl, even though it was like, a little bit, Lanza-grotty. It was a nice Christmas.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Did you-

Ricky: What was the book you read, by the way? Someone just emailed in and wanted to know, what was the book you read?

Karl: It was The Guv'nor.

Ricky: The Guv'nor?

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Right, okay.

Steve: Did you buy Suzanne a gift in the end? Which you surprised her with on Christmas-

Karl: Yeah, yeah. After that show we did before Christmas, I was walking home thinking "Oh, might as well treat her then".

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Erm, went and got her a, a necklace.

Steve: Nice.

Karl: That she er, said she wanted a necklace but I didn't know which one, but went and got her one.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Which, she was happy with that.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Erm-

Steve: That shut her up.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Karl: But erm, yeah-

Steve: And did she get you something-

Ricky: Did she get you a gift back?

Karl: She did get me something, yeah.

Ricky: See, I knew-we knew she would.

Steve: Course she would.

Karl: Yeah, but the thing is right, she got me a little Game Boy Advance to take on holiday-

Steve: Brilliant.

Karl: -'cause she knows I get bored, right?

Steve: Lovely.

Karl: So that was good but I was like, right, hang on a minute. I know how much I spent-

Ricky: Oh, for f..

Karl: -and I know how much these are, right. But I was clever though. When I got to the airport, I bought her to get me an extra, sort of get her to bought me an extra game-

Steve: Game.

Karl: -for it.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Got the value.

Steve: Course.

Ricky: Are you-when you were growing up, did you wait to ask your mum for sweets right at the counter so the woman sort of, would sort of embarrass her into getting you it?

Karl: Er, what, you mean just slip it in the basket?

Ricky: Well no, just wait, wait 'til there's some-you know, a stranger watching before you ask for sweets.

Steve: "Mum, can I have a Kinder Egg?"

Ricky: Did you say that in front of Suzanne when it got to the-"Suzanne can you get me something else, 'cause remember I spent more on that necklace than you did on that Game Boy Advance?". And the woman in Dixons goes, "Ooh, you'd better get him something else". She goes "Oh bloody hell, alright then".

Karl: Nah. She, she did well though. You know what I mean?

Ricky: She's done well to keep you, hasn't she?

Karl: She's done well.

Ricky: 'Cause you're such a find.

Steve: You're quite a catch.

Ricky: Yeah, you're, you're, she must wake up every morning and go "Ooh, I am the luckiest girl in the world".

Karl: Well she told you that the other night.

Ricky: What?

Karl: She said, the other night, how good it is living with me.

Ricky: Oh yeah. I said to Suzanne, it must be great, 'cause I only see him two hours a week, and I like to squeeze his little head. You can do that all day, every day. Does she ever squeeze your head?

Karl: Nah.

Ricky: No?

Karl: No. It's like that thing though, innit, it's like when you work in a chocolate factory, you get sick of it don't you? If it's there all the time.

Ricky: Yeah, she must think, "well I could squeeze that head any time I wanted, it's not worth it, I'll just-"

Karl: Yep, yep, yep. What about your Christmas?

Steve: My dad, er, I'm wondering if you're turning into my dad, 'cause er, he bought my mum a lovely bracelet. He won't mind me talking about this, because he said "You'll probably talk about this on the radio", and you're right dad, I am talking about it. He bought my mum a, er, little gold bracelet. Lovely, lovely gift, you know, it was a lovely thing. And she opened it, she loved it, and everyone thought what a great gift, lovely gift. He wouldn't stop talking about it.

Ricky laughs

Steve: He wouldn't stop going on about the gift he'd bought. He kept on grabbing my mum's arm, showing it to people. "Look at the gleam on that".

Ricky: The gleam!

Steve: "Steve, Steve, look at the shine on that, look at the gleam there".

Ricky: The gleam!

Steve: And do you know what he said? He went, he said, "The great thing about that, that's pure gold", he went, "It's an investment".

Ricky laughs

Steve: "That's an investment, that". It's always worth something, gold.

Ricky: Oh, I love that, when people give you a gift and go, "It's an investment". I love it.

Steve: But what-not only is it-does it take away any of the romanticism of it, but it was the way he was constantly talking about how great a gift it was that he'd bought.

Ricky: I tell you what, I haven't heard the word gleam for thirty years.

Steve: Look at the gleam on that.

Ricky: The gleam!

Steve: Look at the sparkle there, and it looks like rope, it looks like gold rope.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And it just, and I know, I heard-he disappeared, we were opening gifts, he disappeared and I could hear him in the kitchen going, "Thing is, that's, that's pure gold that, Elaine. That's pure gold".

Ricky: Might melt that down.

Steve: "John!", next door neighbour, "John! Look at the shine on that!"

Ricky: That's great, that's brilliant though.

Steve: But it's, doesn't it sort of undermine the gift a bit if you keep droning on about it-

Ricky: No, but people, people enjoy giving, that's nice isn't it. You've got to, you know-what did your mum say? Did she love it?

Steve: Well, she couldn't get a word in edgeways.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: That's a step up from a jar of coffee though, innit?

Steve: That is a step up, yeah.

Ricky: That's good. Oh. What about yours?

Karl: Er...I didn't get my mam and day anything, this, this time-

Steve: What?

Karl: No, 'cause I'm always treating them anyway. Whenever they, you know, if they need a few quid-

Steve: Well you are the gift that keeps on giving, Karl.

Karl: No, but don't just go giving anything just for the sake of it, do you know what I mean. Wait for the time that's right sort of thing. Just 'cause it's Christmas, 'cause-

Steve: Yeah, I mean there, there's no better time is there really-

Karl: No, I just was gonna say my mam and dad didn't get me anything but they did.

Steve: What did they get you?

Karl: Just some money.

Steve: Mmm.

Karl: But erm, I'll get them something when the time's right, do you know what I mean? They always need bits and pieces through the year so-

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: -I'll look after them.

Steve: Sure.

Karl: But erm, it was weird being away on hol-

Ricky: Has anyone caught on to the fact that, you know, they leave groceries in the, in the telephone box near your dad yet?

Karl: No, that's still going on.

Ricky: Is it?

Karl: Still going on, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ricky: That's fantastic, isn't it? That is fantastic. So when he needs a loaf of bread, pint of milk, just goes down. Does he ever, does he ever give that as gifts?

Karl: Now listen, are we doing the, er, the film thing in a bit?

Steve: Oh.

Karl: Got more prizes.

Steve: Yeah?

Ricky: Is it better than Rockbusters?

Karl: Er, it's alright. I did it in a bit of a rush, 'cause I was only in yesterday wasn't I?

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: Well yeah, if you take three holidays a year, there's not enough time for the work. Me and Steve like to, you know, put our priority into, you know, doing the work, coming up with a good product-

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: -and getting a holiday when we can. You know, we haven't-I haven't, I haven't really-

Steve: Well I'd love a holiday, Rick, you know that.

Ricky: I'd love a holiday.

Karl: But I don't do the holidays for me, it's for Suzanne innit? She's the one who likes going away.

Ricky: With you.

Karl: So I just go-yeah, thought I'd go with her, do my bit.

Ricky: When you were playing Game Boy, right, and you'd looked in the hole and er, you were reading your book. What is, what is she doing?

Karl: She'll sort of, she'll make things seem more interesting to me, do you know what I mean? So like, when we were at the hole and the bus driver said, "You've got an hour here", I sort of said, "Why have we got an hour here? I go to a funeral of someone who I loved in the ground and don't spend an hour round it. Why do I wanna-"

Ricky laughs

Karl: Do you know what I mean? Why do I want to spend an hour looking in this?

Ricky: Wasn't that terrible, when your auntie just shot up in that magma?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: That was terrible, wasn't it, that was the worst funeral you'd ever been to, wasn't it?

Karl: But she'll, she'll sort of-

Steve: I tell you what, that would make funerals more interesting.

Ricky: If they just-it was a cremation and a burial.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: You just put them in a volcano and they go, "Two, three, here they go, wheeeeeyyyyy! Up to heaven!"

Steve: I was having a conversation with my flatmate about songs that would be inappropriate to have at your wedding-er, at your funeral. And it's-

Ricky: 'Horny', surely, is one.

Steve: But that was it, yeah, that was what-

Ricky: Was it really?

Steve: -that was our first one we came up with. "I'm horny, horny, horny, horny!"

Ricky laughs

Steve: That was the first one we came up with.

Ricky: Isn't Robbie Williams' 'Angels' one of the, erm-

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: -biggest ones.

Steve: And I think 'Wind Beneath Your Wings'-

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: -I think is apparently quite popular.

Ricky: Oh yeah, yeah. That's-play that on Auntie Nora's, can't you?

Karl: Bit of Boston?

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Bit of who? Busted?

Ricky: Boston. More Than A Feeling. Much more than a feeling.

Jesus, It's A Talking Monkey

Song: Boston - More Than A Feeling

Ricky: Boston, More Than A Feeling. XFM 104.9. Well, another big moment here. We've had Rockbusters, we're gonna have er, Karl's film quiz thing innit?

Karl: Yep, the film quiz thing. Erm, I've done Planet Of The Apes, right, because one of the things we did in Lanzarote, went on this tour with er, sort of three northern blokes and, they didn't really know what they were talking about-

Ricky: Joking. You're joking. What, northerners not knowing what they're talking about? You're having a laugh.

Karl: No, they'd obviously, sort of not had much luck here right, and thought, ":et's go over to Lanzarote, buy some vans, right, get people in it, we'll do a tour of the island". And whenever someone asked a question like "When-what year did the volcano happen?", they'd go "Well, take you to the visitor's centres, you can read about it there". So they never actually answered anything, right? So they were useless. But one of the things that they told us was that Planet Of The Apes was filmed in Lanzarote.

Ricky: Mmm.

Steve: Right, okay.

Karl: Right-

Ricky: That makes sense.

Karl: -a bit of it. Well, does it? Does it make sense?

Ricky: What do you mean, does it?

Steve: Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, okay. Anyway-

Ricky: Well, no, no, I mean if they wanted to show sort of an arren, sort of barren sort of post apocalyptic subject, choose where you went on holiday.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Obviously.

Karl: Yeah but, when we were there, he took us to this sort of beach and I said, "Is this, is this where they did it?", and he was like, "Yep". I said, "What, right there?", "Yep". And I watched it, and I couldn't see where I was.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Yeah, you know that if you watch a film from 1968, and you've been to the same place, you-

Karl: No, no, no-

Steve: -you're not going to feature, you're not going to see you in the back walking along the beach.

Karl: It's the new one, new, new Planet Of The Apes.

Steve: Oh, the recent Planet Of The Apes?

Karl: Yeah, yeah, that's what they said, yeah.

Steve: Right.

Karl: Right, so I thought I'd sort of-

Ricky: Now that sounds a little bit more farfetched, I'd have thought that was probably a lot in Hollywood.

Karl: Yeah.

Steve: Well anyway, is this the current Planet Of The Apes, or the old one that you've done?

Karl: Current Planet Of The Apes.

Steve: This is the recent one.

Karl: Alright? There'll be a question at the end of it so listen and that-

Ricky: Is this entertaining to anyone, this? I mean just take the last four minutes of conversation.

Steve: But seriously, Rick, who cares?

Ricky: I don't.

Steve: Do you?

Ricky: No.

Steve: I don't.

Ricky: DVD's selling well.

Steve: Exactly, what do I care?

Ricky: Right, come on then.

Karl: Right, so er, Planet Of The Apes. Question at the end of it, listen, and win some stuff. Right?

Clip begins

Captain Leo Davidson: Hey, where am I? What is this place?

Karl: Hang on a minute, I'll have a look. According to the Lanzarote guide, we've been dropped off at the er, at the volcano bit. Apparently there's thirty six volcanoes here to be seen.

Davidson: I hope you don't mind my saying, but this is a waste of time.

Karl: I know what you mean. Don't know why they need thirty six volcanoes. Just keep one, fill the rest in. Build a car park or summat. Excuse me guide, what's er, why has the bus dropped us off here? What's, er, what's so special about this place?

Ari: Well, according to our holy writings that is where creation began. Where the almighty breathed life, in the time before time.

Karl: It's amazing that innit, all this, all this has been stood here for years and years. What about the coffee shop there, is that, is that old is it?

Ari: Well-

Karl: Well, nothing. You're out to rip us off. I bet it's about four quid for a coffee there. Always ripping people off, that's what annoys me with these trips, you get us in the middle of nowhere, we're dying of thirst, I'm not-I'll do without. The reason I've come here, I believe this is where they did, er, Planet Of The Apes. I love monkeys, especially the ones in Planet Of The Apes 'cause they, they talk and that.

Davidson: Talking monkeys can't exist.

Karl: You're joking aren't you? Course they can. They're getting up to all sorts of stuff, I read about a monkey the other day who worked on the railway, right? There was another one about a chimp who did a bank job, and, er, went off to Spain to sort of-

Davidson: Shut up!

Karl: Alright!

Monkey noises

Davidson: What was that?

Karl: Little monkey fella. It's come from that little coffee shop, it's been serving coffee. Now that is worth paying four quid for.

Daena: No, you're teasing him.

Karl: I'm not teasing it, it's working innit, it's serving the-we want some coffee, get us some coffee. I've heard about this, you can buy, er, you can buy coffee that's been sort of hand-picked by monkeys. It's like Coffeemate, except it's more, sort of Coffee-primate. Yeah? Hello, little fella. We want coffee.

Daena: What do you mean "we"?

Karl: You're going to have a coffee, aren't you? What else are you gonna do, go and look at another thirty five volcanoes? I'm staying here, I'm having a monkey coffee. It's brilliant.

Monkey: You find this amusing?

Karl: Jesus, it's a talking monkey. Alright mate, can I have a couple of coffees?

Monkey: Don't start now, we're off duty. I'm starving.

Karl: What do you mean you're off duty? Have your bananas later, just get us a couple of cof-

The sound of a struggle ensuing.

Karl: Alright. I understand that you're tired, and you've probably been on your hands all day. Just forget the coffee. You go and get some lunch. After you've got us some Cokes, you lazy arse.

Monkey: You damn human!

Clip ends

Steve: Powerful.

Ricky: Lovely. Excellent. So er, what's the question?

Karl: Er, if you've been listening to the whole show, how many volcanoes do I think's on the island of Lanzarote?

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: I might be, I might be wrong, what I've been saying, but it's roughly around that.

Ricky: Yeah, so what have you been saying?

Karl: Yep.

Ricky: Yep. Brilliant.

Steve: Er, [email protected]. Er, you're more likely to win the prize if you leave erm, your address on the email.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: 'Cause otherwise we can't really be bothered phoning people or emailing them back, so erm-

Ricky: Good point.

Steve: So put your address on there and you could win some crap.

Ricky: In a jiffy bag.

It's A Waste Of Time, Innit

Song: Placebo - Special Needs

Ricky: Karl's theme tune there, by Placebo, Special Needs. On XFM 104.9.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: New year's resolution, Karl?

Karl: Erm, I dunno. I don't, I don't do it really.

Ricky: What about something like, I dunno, start smoking. There must be something.

Karl: Er...nah, it's a waste of time, innit. I don't bother with it.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: You, Steve?

Steve: Me? No, I've never really made any new year's resolutions. Just, I just be good to people. Treat everyone as you want to be treated yourself. Give to charity. Erm, hate crime, racism, famine, sexism.

Ricky: I, I know you're going to keep to all of those except the give to charity, that's, me and Karl find that a little bit hard to believe.

Steve: Never gonna happen.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Well you've always got to break at least one of your new year's resolutions.

Ricky: Yeah, exactly. Well I think, I think I'll be nicer to Karl. What about learn more? I was thinking that. I want to learn more.

Karl: I'm always teaching you stuff.

Ricky: I've, I've got a-I watched, I tell you what, Christmas telly was dreadful this year. I actually, I don't know if I've hit that age where I think it but, I think consciously I thought, "this is worse than usual".

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I ended up watching, er, Discovery Channel and History Channel again, and I watched four episodes in a row of erm, this fantastic documentary, '1418 War', narrated by Jame-er, Dame Judi Dench. And it's brilliant, I just can't get enough of it. I hated history at school, and now I want to know everything.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And I think that's mine, learn, learn all the stuff about-

Karl: Yeah, I, I like learning though-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -I always say that to you. I'm always looking up stuff. When I was on holiday, even though it was sunny outside and I had big holes to look at if I wanted to, I stayed in and watched Discovery there, and was watching stuff about scorpions and that.

Ricky: Yeah? What, what did you learn?

Karl: Well nothing, 'cause it was all in Spanish.

Ricky laughs

Karl: I just watched it. What I found odd, right? What I found-

Ricky speaks Spanish

Karl: What I don't understand is, with scorpions, right, erm, they have this, sort of weapons, don't they, they have the poison and stuff, right?

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: Which can kill a man.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: But there was a couple of little animals and that, that were it's sort of enemy-

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: -and it stung them, and it didn't kill them. So what's the point?

Ricky: Well firstly, not all scorpions kill a man. Some of them-

Karl: This one did, it said.

Ricky: Yeah, well, they, they range from like, beestings to so much venom it can take down a horse on, on things like spiders and snakes and scorpions, so it depends. But, a scorpion that will kill a man, would kill a rabbit, so I don't know what you're talking about.

Karl: No, there was this snake that it stuck it's thing into, and some sort of beaver, and it was just like, running about.

Steve: There's nothing funny about that, so why are we laughing?

Ricky: Well the snake wasn't running about, was it?

Karl: Well, it was slithering about a bit.

Ricky: Yeah. What was the beaver doing when the snake-

Karl: It was just sort of, I think it ate it in the end.

Ricky: What? Ate what?

Karl: Ate the scorpion. And just wandered off.

Ricky: Well. It wasn't a beaver!

Karl: There you go, you've learnt that.

Ricky: There's no way it was a beaver!

Karl: Alright, an otter.

Ricky laughs

Steve: This is what you've pieced together from a show in Spanish?

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Oh.

Karl: I'm just saying though, how come it can't kill something that small, but there's someone on holiday, who's no, sort of danger to that scorpion, we're not gonna harm it, right? Yet it can kill a man.

Ricky: So you say-

Steve: Shut up, Karl.

Ricky: -but I don't believe it.

Steve: Shut up mate, seriously, this gobbledegook.

Karl: Taught you something again though. That's what I'm saying.

Ricky: What have you taught us though? What is that, what is the fact that's come out of that? "A scorpion can kill a man but the beaver was dancing with the snake and then it ate it-"

Karl: You do that all the time though-

Ricky: That's not a fact. That's not a fact.

Karl: -you put everything down. New year's eve, I taught him something, right, about, er, dead people.

Ricky: No. Do you know what-the things he taught me, I was saying, "You're talking shite". He says they've found out your soul weighs an ounce.

Steve: Your soul?

Ricky: Yeah. Your soul weighs an ounce.

Steve: Right, who's found this out?

Karl: I read it.

Ricky: Your arsehole weighs an ounce.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: There's no such thing-a soul weighs an ounce. You're talking drivel.

Karl: Alright.

Steve: Have you got any Monkey News?

Karl: Er-

Ricky: So what did they do, they, they measu-they weighed someone who was alive and they went, "We'll wait for you to die, then we'll weigh you again. Oh yeah, you've lost an ounce, oh it must be your soul shooting off to heaven!"

Karl: It was someone who was really ill, and they said, "We can't do anything for you here, but we've got a bit of a, idea here that we want to do-"

Ricky laughs

Karl: -stuck them on some scales, they said, "Right, you weigh nine pounds and an ounce", or whatever, 'cause he's wasting away. He died, nine pounds. Right?

Steve: Right, that's proof if proof be needed.

Ricky: Talking shite.

Karl: Erm, Monkey News. We might as well leave it.

Steve: No, come on.

Ricky: No, come on, tell me Monkey News.

Karl: There's-it's, it's nothing, er, that great really.

Steve: Is it worth playing the jingle? Quickly?

Karl: Go on then.

Ricky: Ooh, chimpanzee that! Monkey News!

Karl: Right, it's about a monkey-

Steve: 2004-4-4-4!

Karl: -it's about this, this woman monkey who was born in 1834, right, half monkey, half woman.

Ricky: No. Not true.

Karl: It happened. Apparently, it was in the-

Ricky: Impossible.

Karl: -it was in the Daily Mail. Alright?

Steve: Okay.

Karl: The Victorian Ape Woman was her name.

Steve: Mmhmm.

Ricky: Yeah. "I christen this, er, thing, Victorian Ape Woman". "Well we thought Sandra". "No. I'm calling it Victorian Ape Woman".

Karl: She was about four foot.

Ricky: No. Didn't happen.

Karl: She had lovely thick black hair on her head, and on the back of her legs, and on her arms.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: Saves stockings.

Karl: Er, let's have a look, er-

Ricky: She didn't need a bustle because of her huge ape-like arse sticking out the back of her dress.

Karl: She was good at reading and sewing. Erm, she had kids-

Ricky: Well they, well, good, 'cause they didn't have opposable thumbs. So, er...

Karl: -she could speak three languages-

Ricky: Yes-

Karl: -she, er-

Ricky: -human, monkey and monkey human.

Karl: Twenty offers of marriage, does that annoy you Steve?

Ricky laughs

Karl: Erm-

Ricky: Absolute twaddle.

Karl: Right, well-

Ricky: More rubbish than your soul weighing an ounce.

Karl: Let's leave it there then.

Ricky: A Victorian Monkey Woman.

Karl: Let's leave it there then.

Ricky: See you next week with some more twaddle.

Steve: I was worried we wouldn't have the old magic in 2004, but we're still talking shit.

Ricky laughs

Steve: Merry new year.

Song: Travis - Beautiful Occupation