03 January 2004

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Xfm Series 3
November 2003 - January 2004
List of episodes


  1. 01 November 2003
  2. 08 November 2003 (Transcript)
  3. 15 November 2003 (Transcript)
  4. 22 November 2003 (Transcript)
  5. 29 November 2003 (Transcript)
  6. 06 December 2003 (Transcript)
  7. 13 December 2003
  8. 20 December 2003
  9. 27 December 2003 ('Best of')
  10. 03 January 2004 (Transcript)
  11. 10 January 2004
  12. 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

The boys are back together after two weeks apart.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 03 January 2004/Transcript.

1. The Public Have Been Waiting (0:00:00)

Karl's had 3 holidays so far this year but he doesn't count the time with Suzanne's parents. Ricky's New Year's resolution is to be nicer to Karl. Steve suggests Karl's should be "think before you speak".

2. Keep a Couple, Fill the Rest In (0:02:10)

Can anyone tell Ricky what's different about this Joy Division track? Karl reports on Lanzarote, which is lucky they had a volcano erupt. He didn't read his Rich Hall book but instead a better version of the book he had with messed-up pages. There were 36 volcanoes to look at but after 6 or 7, Karl was bored. He suggests they clean the place up and Ricky questions the feasibility of this. It's just like Mars. Karl struggles to be Judith Chalmers. The food was the same every night but poorly themed. Karl and Suzanne took a coach trip with an overzealous tour guide. Ricky reads a text he got from Karl while he was there. Karl saw on Sky News that there's a school for monkeys that want to get a band together.

3. The Coach Driver is Pretty Much God (0:09:24)

More chat about Karl's holiday. They went on an excursion that left them at the "hole" for an hour. Steve's tells about the time his family was on a coach trip in France that took them far out of the way to a English-themed restaurant. The family that didn't want to go in was locked in the coach. Does that go on in England? There's an attraction for everything. Steve's been to a shire horse center. There's a museum in Italy for spaghetti. Karl gives his holiday a 6/10 and he's going away with Suzanne's parents again next week.

4. Barometer World (0:16:16)

People are emailing in with other obscure tourist attractions they've visited. Do barometers work, and how far into the future do they predict? Once again they ponder the title of the leader of China. Ricky researched sweat shops for one of his shows and found out a staggering fact about how little they earn. Lazy.

5. Have Any of Us Ever Met Any Gay People? (0:21:06)

In Cumbria, there's a pencil museum. The leader of China is the premiere of China. Ricky shares with Karl what he realised about how many gay Chinese people there must be, but Karl questions what time of night they took the survey. Ricky ponders the ins and outs of The Killing of Georgie and Steve queries how well-informed the three of them are. Ricky knows more gay people than Chinese people. There was an inscrutable Chinese girl at Steve's school. Time for Rockbusters, which Steve thinks should be called "And the Clues Don't Work".

6. Just One Big Group Hug! (0:26:35)

Karl's got a fact about Chinese people in a line, but Ricky corrects it. Are they walking and shagging at once? Karl's got a theory about how the Chinese age and some info on the oldest woman in the world, who slept a lot. Steve went to see the last Lord Of The Rings movie and thinks Peter Jackson owes him. It's bigger than the nerds and now menopausal women think they can have a go. Ricky suggests we call little people "hobbits". Steve is livid about the long ending and is baffled by the additional scenes on the DVD. Harry Potter is annoying also but at least it's shorter. Steve went to the toilet three times during the film. The LOTR films are like the film equivalent of an Enya song. Ricky likes the new Dido song.

7. Imagine How Many Hours This Show Has Wasted (0:34:17)

A listener's email puts the wasted LOTR hours into perspective for the boys. It's community service towards Karl though. Karl and Suzanne were with Ricky and Jane for New Year's, along with Martin Freeman and his girlfriend Amanda and Glyn. Suzanne's hair doesn't look like Dave Hill. Ricky tests Steve on a parlour game they played, in which Karl said "egg" for an animal that starts with E. Fireworks chat and Steve knows how to make them better. Predictive fish. Karl and Ricky danced at New Year's and Ricky fell on his back but was all right.

8. VHS, I Hope (0:40:09)

Steve doesn't care about the Rockbusters prizes so Karl dusts over them. Donal McIntyre is doing Cheap as Chimps and Ken Bruce is doing Songs of Phrase. Karl reads the answers and Ricky contends the first two, but enjoys the third. The winner gets some crap in a jiffy bag.

9. Look At the Gleam On That (0:42:45)

Someone wants to know what book Karl read on holiday (The Guv'ner). He got Suzanne a necklace for Christmas and she got him a Game Boy Advance which didn't equal his in cost so he got her to buy him a game at the airport. Suzanne told Ricky about how good it is living with him, but she doesn't squeeze his head. Steve's dad bought his mum a gold bracelet and wouldn't stop talking about it. Karl didn't get his parents anything but he always treats them. His dad is still nicking from the telephone box. Suzanne makes things more fun for Karl. You don't need an hour to look in a hole. Songs that are inappropriate to play at a funeral.

10. Jesus, It's a Talking Monkey (0:49:42)

Karl In A Film is Planet of the Apes. Some Northern blokes did their tour in Lanzarote but were useless apart from saying the new version of the movie was filmed there. Karl watched it but couldn't see where he was.

11. It's a Waste of Time, Innit (0:55:43)

Karl doesn't do New Year's resolutions. Steve doesn't either but has some basic beliefs and Ricky thinks he'll stick to all of them except giving to charity. Christmas telly was dreadful this year, but Ricky loves watching Discovery and the History channel. He watched 4 episodes in a row on a documentary on the '14-'18 War. Karl watched a scorpion documentary in Spanish when he was on holiday and questions why it can't kill some animals (like "beavers") but can kill people. Your soul weighs an ounce. Monkey News 2004 about the Victorian Ape Woman who spoke three languages ("human, monkey, and "monkey-human") and Karl wonders if Steve is annoyed she had twenty offers of marriage. Steve was worried they would've lost their magic in the new year but they're still talking shit. Merry New Year.


Ricky: We're gonna be honest here - we know so little about China.

Steve: If you can't live without Lord of the Rings, screw you. I don't want you as a listener.

Ricky: What? Northerners not knowing what they're talking about? You're having a laugh


Will you leave the entrance to me garden alone. G.G.
Don't phone, but you can leave the message on me mobile if you want. T.
We were shearing out the male sheep, and I think I got the best one. D.G.



Kings of Leon - California Waiting
Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
Tim Burgess - Oh My Corazon
Starsailor - Silence Is Easy
Turin Brakes - Mind Over Money
Ian Dury & The Blockheads - Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick
Ryan Adams - So Alive
Blur - Out of Time
Richard Ashcroft - Buy It In Bottles
Talking Heads - Uh-Oh, Love Comes to Town
U2 - Electrical Storm
Snow Patrol - Run
Boston - More Than a Feeling
Placebo - Special Needs
Travis - Beautiful Occupation

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...