06 December 2003/Transcript

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This is a transcription of the 06 December 2003 episode, from Xfm Series 3

More Listeners Than This Show

Song: Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl

Ricky: Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl on Xfm 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais, with me Stephen Merchant, over there little roundy bald head of Karl Pilkington. Good news and bad news. Good news is: boys are back in town, we're here for two hours.

Steve: Hello!

Ricky: Bad news is: we have no Monkey News, ummm...Gay Fella News, or Little Chinese Fella News.

Steve: Really!

Ricky: We're going to try and, you know, leave that for a week...

Steve: Yeah...

Ricky: ...and then maybe come back to it

Steve: Yeah...why do I get the feeling within twenty minutes we'll be talking about little, uhh, little gay...

Ricky and Steve: ...Chinese...

Steve: ...monkeys!

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Karl, think of that.

Karl: We have got Monkey News.

Ricky: Have we?

Steve: Really?

Karl: Oh yeah

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: So we've already broken that promise.

Ricky: Oh okay...I thought we were going to try and sort of talk about something else. I've just done The Jonathan Ross Show and they, they don't talk about the same things every week, it's weird.

Steve: Mmh

Ricky: It is weird.

Steve: Mmh

Ricky: But umm, or as Karl says "weird, innit?"

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: So umm, gave this show about five plugs.

Steve: Nice one.

Ricky: Yeah. So uhh, I think we'll get upward of 800 people listening...

Steve: Oh oh oh, double!

Ricky: ...for the first two minutes...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: ...and then turning back!

Steve: They're already switching over now.

Ricky: I'd, I'd have thought so, yeah.

Steve: I spoke to my friend yesterday, he's a little bit of an odd fella, and he said that he, for his own amusement, he had an iPod in his car, and he bought a little, sort of, transmitter, and he could transmit the music from his iPod to, sort of, just beam it, kinda, as he was driving along to, sort of, passing cars.

Ricky: Whaddya mean? Make their radio play it?

Steve: Well, but if they had it in the right frequency, yeah. Ahmmm, I mean pointless, completely pointless, but not dissimilar to this show I imagine in terms of the number of listeners.

Ricky: Yeah, but I was gonna say, what's the chances of people having this frequency on?

Steve: Absolutely pointless.

Ricky: So it's probably about the same, yeah.

Steve: Do you know what it reminds me of? When I was, when I was young I wanted to get into radio, I was excited by radio, when I was sort of in my, I dunno, I was eleven or twelve, my friend and I, we, uhhh, got a little mixing deck and we used to host our own radio show.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: From his bedroom. We didn't have a transmitter so we put some speakers in his front garden, in some bushes and sort of broadcast it to people who were walking by.

Ricky: Again, probably over the week more listeners than this show.

Steve: Almost certainly. I love the idea, it never happened, but I was always hoping that some, maybe some girls would come by and just sit and listen "These guys are great! I don't know where these sounds are coming from, it seems to be that bush but..."

Ricky: Or Noel Edmonds coming along going "Who are these guys?"

Steve: Yeah. "Can they stand in for me when I'm on holiday?"

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: I did, did I tell you I did, sort of, pirate radio?

Ricky: No, go on.

Karl: Did, uhhh, got into -

Ricky snorts

Ricky: Normal radio but you had an eyepatch on, go on.

Karl: Uhhh, dad was in hospital, right, and uhhh, he was havin' some operation done, right, an' uhh went to see 'im and didn't have that much to say to him, right

Steve: Well, he's only your dad...

Karl: So I was sat there - well it's awkward though innit, when someone is ill?

Ricky: Yep.

Karl: And you don't know what to say -

Ricky: Boring innit? Boring!

Karl: So I was flicking around on that little radio thing they 'ave, and I 'eard, like, they had a radio station in the 'ospital, so I said "Aw, I'll go and join this" so I wandered off to go and find it.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Uhhh, sort of joined that, did a little show on there, thought I can, sort of, get out to the masses 'ere. Me mate made a little transmitter, did a little pirate radio show from the, uhhh, got kicked out because they found out and apparently I put the station at risk 'cause all the stuff could've been taken off us.

Ricky: But from a little acorn, sixteen years later he's on a show with less listeners.

Steve laughs

Steve: Yes.

Ricky: Brilliant.

Steve: Can you imagine if you're, you've gone into hospital, you're already pretty depressed, there's the fear of these bugs, superbugs, in the hospital.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: Maybe you've got some quite serious illness, you know...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: You don't know if you're gonna make it - his voice is what you're hearing to cheer you up!

Ricky: "Alright, weird innit? Saw a programme about a parasite the other night, yeah, 'pparently they get in through your eye and eat their way out through your genitals"

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: "Anyway 'eres Radio'ead"

Steve: "You think you've got it bad!"

Ricky: Yeah, exactly, play a record, Karl.

Karl: Bit of Stone Roses?

Ricky: Awwww, Fools Gold, classic.

Song: Stone Roses - Fools Gold

Why We Talk About Monkeys, Chinese and Gays Every Week

Ricky: Stone Roses - Fools Gold, Xfm 104.9. Brilliant.

Steve: Can't help but notice you've, uh, brought some sandwiches in, Rick.

Ricky: Mmh.

Steve: What, what's in them there?

Ricky: Cheese and Onion.

Steve: Cheese and Onion...

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: 'Cause I've never, ever, seen you make sandwiches before. I've seen you take a loaf, a piece of bread out of a loaf, and sort of fold it in half, crumbs everywhere...

Ricky: Well Jane made that for me 'cause I was a bit, in a bit of a hurry.

Steve: I didn't think for a minute that you'd made that.

Ricky: Why, 'cause it looks neat?

Steve: Well, it's wrapped in tinfoil, a knife has been used...

Ricky bursts out laughing

Ricky: As opposed to chewing round the baguette!

Steve: Yeah, exactly.

Ricky: Yeah, breakin' it in half!

Steve: Yeah, yeah

Ricky: Á la Albert Steptoe, yeah, brilliant.

Steve: Yeah...nice?

Ricky: It's great but these onions are strong.

Steve: Are they?

Ricky: Making my eyes water.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: If I come and breathe on you...

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: It'll cure any sort of skin disease you might have.

Steve laughs

Ricky: Skin disease! We watched that, um, Karl, you know Karl was raving about that thing about parasites, about worms coming out your brain an' that. And I watched it.

Steve: What is this? Is this a TV show?

Ricky: Yeah, called 'Bodysnatchers' and it was pretty fascinating.

Steve: Uh huh.

Ricky: And uh, I mean amazingly shot, as well, I mean it's got to win an award for photography.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: And there was one bit, that um, this little girl had been bitten by a mosquito and it laid her eggs, and went to the doctor, she had a lump on her neck like a boil and err, they pulled it out and it was like, like a bullet this maggot.

Steve: Ugh.

Ricky: And they put it down and it was wriggling in her blood, right, but the hole left was sort of aesthetically pleasing. You know like that feeling you get, like, I once had an ingrown hair and I quite liked it when I pulled it out and it's a perfect little hole and I thought I wouldn't mind having those as long as they sort of healed over time.

Steve: What are you talking about!?

Ricky: I don't know, it's weird innit?

Steve: But why would you want a hole in your body?

Ricky: No it's got pulling something out, sort of, pulling something out of your body, it's sort of cleansing isn't it?

Steve: I don't know what you're talking about.

Ricky: No but it's sort of like...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Nor do I!

Steve: This is it, you watch one programme recommended for you by Karl, you've turned into Karl!

Ricky bursts out laughing

Steve: You want a hole in your body!?

Ricky: No! It was jus - it was like, you know, like, squeezing a really good, sort of like, spot, I mean I haven't squeezed spots for ages, in fact, I've never had spots, maybe that's it! I didn't have spots!

Steve: Right.

Ricky: And I always thought that would be nice, squeezing a spot.

Steve: I don't know what you're talking about! Why would these things be pleasurable? Why would a hai - an ingrowing hair, "That's great fun"!

Ricky: Yeah it was good, that was good! 'Cause I got it, it was like a little lump and I pulled it and then it pulled out, and it was like - left a little...hole.

Karl: I know what you mean. 'Cause I get thick hairs, round here like really...

Ricky: Oh! And then when they come out it's like a bit of wax!

Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: Like, like pulling out a little candle! I love that!

Steve: What!?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Because I've got not much hair on me head, right, it sort of grows thicker on me face.

Ricky: No, not true.

Steve: Sure, but go on.

Karl: No, it does.

Ricky: Nat true, baby. No evidence for that just maade it up.

Karl: So it grows sort of thicker on my neck and that, and now and again I'll see something that's sort of like a twig, right, it's really thick.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah! You feel it and you think "Aww, I'm gonna have that!" and then you work at it and then when you get hold of it, it's brilliant, it's like pulling out a - it's fantastic and it's waxy and buildup and it pulls out and it stretches your skin and leaves a hole.


Steve: I've just realised why we talk about Chinese people, monkeys and gays every week.

Ricky: Why?

Steve: 'Cause this is the sort of replacement.

Ricky laughs

Steve: This is what we've got if we're not talking about them.

Ricky: But it was great as well, and umm, there's this parasite, right, that lives in this fish and what it does, umm, it changes the fish's behaviour, because, to breed, it has to get it's body temperature up, so it has to get into a bird, right?

Steve: What, sorry, what has to get into the bird?

Ricky: The parasite, to, to complete its life cycle.

Steve: The parasite needs to get into a bird, right.

Ricky: So it changes the behaviour of the umm, the stickleback, and it makes the stickleback sort of suicidal, so the stickleback doesn't flee when it sees a heron, it gets caught.

Steve: Right.

Ricky: Because this stickleback has changed its behaviour. I was-Karl didn't quite understand this did you?

Karl: I still don't really get it. I watched it and you see, like, the fat fish an' that, and you go "Oh, it's not well" but I don't understand...

Ricky: Well, all it does is, it has to get into a bird because it has to, to breed, to lay its eggs, it has to have a raise of body temperature, so it has to-the fish is cold-blooded so it has to get into a bird which is warm-blooded, there's lots of things that-certain things at that level-

Karl: Yeah but why, why? Why's it doing that?

Ricky: Because it needs, it needs the, the uh, the temperature, it needs the heat energy for its reaction, just like, for example, that's why your balls are on the outside. Because the cells have to be a certain temperature to survive, I don't know if it's the sperm or Sertoli cells, but they have to be a couple of degrees below body temperature, otherwise, they'd be in a nice cage and we wouldn't get kicked in the nads.


Karl: Waddya mean?

Ricky: That's why your testicles are on the outside of your body, they have to be couple degrees below body temperature

Karl: Yeah, but...that isn't why they're there, you see this is like the chat we had last week about the giraffe having a long neck.

Ricky: Waddya mean?

Karl: They're there because that's where they happen to be, they didn't go "Right"-

Ricky: But that's what evolution is, it's, it's a selection process it's not a will, the balls didn't say "Look, I'm too hot let's get us outside, let's get outside of 'ere!"

Karl: Alright, 'ang on a minute then.

Ricky: What?

Karl: So a little man monkey, right, theirs are in the same place as ours, but they're walking around naked so it could be anywhere, it could be like on their back, doesn't matter where they are.

Ricky: No, they're cooling-well it could be on their back, yeah.

Karl: So why aren't they?

Ricky: This is a completely different...Steve!

Steve laughs

Steve: You started it! I'm washing my hands of the whole of affair!

Ricky: And we're, we're not only back to balls, but we're back to monkey balls!

Steve: Yes!

Ricky: In one, in one thing from about parasites, we're back to monkey ball news!

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: How did we get back to, to, to chimp testicle news!?

Steve laughs

Karl: Alright, alright then. So this thing, this worms and a fish...

Ricky: Yep. It's, yeah, it's like a little platyhelminth, I think it's some sort of...sort of...

Karl: But what I mean is: Why are they about?

Ricky: What do you mean? They evolved.

Karl: Why? But why haven't they died out?

Ricky: Because they're very successful.


Karl: Yeah.

Ricky: What do you mean yeah? What do you mean yeah? At what, tell me the, tell me the brain event that made you say "Yeah" in that one second gap.

Karl: 'Cause in a way I don't get it, and if I think about it too much it 'urts a bit.

Rick and Steve burst out laughing

Ricky: Play a record!

Steve: They've just been around for years, Karl, like Cliff Richard or someone like that.

Song: Feeder - Don't Think About Tomorrow

Incomplete Transcript: Time: Approx 10 Minutes In (excluding songs)