06 December 2003

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Xfm Series 3
November 2003 - January 2004
List of episodes


  1. 01 November 2003
  2. 08 November 2003 (Transcript)
  3. 15 November 2003 (Transcript)
  4. 22 November 2003 (Transcript)
  5. 29 November 2003 (Transcript)
  6. 06 December 2003 (Transcript)
  7. 13 December 2003
  8. 20 December 2003
  9. 27 December 2003 ('Best of')
  10. 03 January 2004 (Transcript)
  11. 10 January 2004
  12. 17 January 2004 (Transcript)

Track Listing

1. More Listeners Than This Show (0:00:00)

No monkey news, gay fella news, or little Chinese fella news. Correction: Karl does have Monkey News. Ricky's plugged the show on Jonathan Ross and hopes to get upwards of 800 listeners. Steve's friend bought a device to beam his iPod music into passing cars. When Steve was a kid, he and his friend would host a radio show and put the speakers in his front garden in hopes of attracting passing girls. Karl got his start on hospital radio, but got kicked out.

2. Why We Talk About Monkeys, Chinese and Gays Every Week (0:03:52)

Ricky's brought some cheese and onion sandwiches in, but their neatness attests to Jane making them. Ricky watched Bodysnatchers in the week and liked the whole that was left when the maggot was take out of the girl. He and Karl enjoy pulling out ingrown hairs. Karl thinks the hair on his face grows thicker because he's bald ("Not true, babyyy"). A parasite in a fish changes its behaviour and Ricky tries to explain why testicles are on the outside of the body.

3. You Should've Done This When You Were in Sixth Form (0:10:00)

Steve is angered about having to sit through Ricky explaining science to Karl during the songs. Ricky used to ponder the universe at age 6 or 7. They've made a map for the universe, but Karl thinks if you're that lost, forget the map. Steve recoils when Ricky mentions wormholes and Karl queries them. Ricky was on Richard and Judy yesterday and it was like an adult Blue Peter. Ricky remembers them making a chest of drawers out of matchboxes, and Steve made a dusty bin. The Kodo drummers from Japan had the shiniest buttocks. Blue Peter is funked up now. Magpie was sort of like Look-in. Five Star are still touring even though there's only three of them, and there was a fifth Boney M. Ricky wants a doctor to join the show - is Dr Fox available? Also a vet, a physicist and an astronomer. How can they prove they are a doctor? Karl's got a story about a man who went to a doctor for an earache and Ricky gets up with frustrated anticipation. The doctor "took his tackle off".

4. It Keeps Happening (0:19:32)

Someone has emailed in the Reuters article to confirm Karl's story. Karl keeps getting ripped off: the "baby who had a baby" is on TV next week, Donal McIntyre is doing Cheap as Chimps, (Bob Holness has ripped off Rockbusters), Richard and Judy gave Ricky the tea picked by monkeys. Ricky reminds Karl of the story he told him about the weasels[1] who sick up coffee, which is then sold because it's smoother. Steve told Karl about a monkey hospital, and he was almost angered when he learned it wasn't a hospital run by monkeys. Ricky is hysterical over the idea that Donna Air would leave her baby with a gorilla.

5. Half Man Half Biscuit (0:24:14)

There's too much to get through, so Steve skims the emails, and opened one a minute ago which stunned Karl. He also has a confirmed link about the Donna Air story. How cheap is a gorilla babysitter? Karl would know. Songs of Phrase is "My Girlfriend Had a Problem With Her Marrow". Ricky recaps the story and Karl has a clever response.

6. The Man Who Believes Anything (0:29:40)

Karl has Cranial Spherity. Steve doesn't really follow the news, but thinks this war is better presented. The Americans must've had rights to it. War costs a lot though, dunnit. The World Elephant Polo championships have taken place, but where've they been practising? Karl's confused that the elephants would kick it - why have anyone sit on them? How do you steer an elephant? Lord Admiral Nelson's letters have been sold, finally. "Kiss me Hardy" and "I never touch even pudding". There have been no entries so far on Songs of Phrase; must be because they forgot to read out the prizes.

7. You Just Look Utterly Gormless (0:38:32)

Someone emailed in asking what they thought of the Wonderwall cover. Would Ricky listen to this show if he didn't know them? Steve has a list of The Most Desirable Neighbour in Britain, and Ricky's on it. Chat about how annoying Ricky is but that he doesn't pester Steve, who commands more respect. Karl's picture was in Heat this week, and it had captured him. Ricky is going to try to get Karl in every publication in the next year. Karl's read further in his Ananova articles and now knows that the man living in a rubbish dump for 10 years got caught for setting off fireworks. A few more headlines this week:

  • Bong: "Pierced penis man off the hook"
  • Bong: "Man changes his name to Bubba Bubba Bubba"
  • Bong: "Dwarf to live in a glass box"

The final headline stimulates an idea for a show for Karl - "What's Art About That?" Karl commentates on Dali and Lowry.

8. Fascists With Too Much Time on Their Hands (0:45:58)

Songs of Phrase answers and winner announced. A German man has been arrested for teaching his dog to give the Nazi salute, and Karl has some (in a sense, racist) thoughts on women with German accents. Karl's brother (Das Pilker) was quite the ladies man, and when he was in Germany was told to stay away from them. Karl fumbles his words and Ricky and Steve are angered by the anecdote.

9. Why Is He Called Rain Man (0:50:37)

Ricky just threw something at Karl. Steve reads out the Karl In A Film prizes and this week, it's Rain Man.

10. Just Get to It Being a Monkey (0:54:55)

Film quiz answer and winner announced, and Monkey News is about a Formula One race driver whose gimmick was never taking his helmet off. Ricky's pretty sure he's figured it out and angrily ends the link.


Steve: Why do I get the feeling that within 20 minutes we'll be talking about little gay Chinese monkeys.

Karl: In a way I don't get it, and if I think about it too much, it hurts a bit.

Ricky: Did you ever used to lay awake at night thinking where'd the universe end?
Steve: He was laying awake at night thinking where does Manchester end!

Steve: Rick, I'm about to say three little words to you, that I've never said to anyone before. Karl is right.

Ricky: Karl went out on a blind date, but when he found out that this girl had some sort of bone marrow problem, he said he didn't wanna see her again; "What's the point in getting to know someone that's gonna die." So that is what you're dealing with, THAT is what you're dealing with with Karl Pilkington.
Karl: Would you buy a car with a duff engine?
Steve: Ha, it's a fair point.

Steve: I love you like a brother, but I get sick of you.

Steve: Are you speaking German now?

Karl: Apparently these races were going on, right? and uhh someone kept winning 'em

Songs of Phrase

My Girlfiend Had A Problem With Her Marrow

Frank Sinatra - "My Way" (My)
Prince - "If I Was Your Girlfriend" (girlfriend)
Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes - "I've Had The Time Of My Life" (had)
Dub Pistols - "Problem Is" (a problem)
U2 - "With Or Without You" (with)
The Beatles - "And I Love Her" (her)
The Shirelles - "Will You Love Me Tomorrow" (marrow.)


Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl
The Stone Roses - Fool's Gold
Feeder - Forget About Tomorrow
Michael Andrews featuring Gary Jules - Mad World
Snow Patrol - Run
Supergrass - Late in the Day
The Thrills - Don't Steal Our Sun
Ryan Adams - Wonderwall
Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees
The Libertines - Don't Look Back into the Sun
Billy Bragg - The Saturday Boy
R.E.M. - Bad Day
Ryan Adams - The Shadowlands

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...