25 June 2005/Transcript

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This is a transcription of the 25 June 2005 episode , from Xfm Series 4 (incomplete)

NB This is transcribed from a partial recording of the show and contains language which may cause offense.


Ricky: Forever Lost, Magic Numbers, and the magic number is 104.9.

Steve chuckles

Ricky: XFM, I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Right, two more shows.. till we're off air for don't know how long.

Steve: Is that two more including this one?

Ricky: Yeah, no no no no, two more, er, yeah, no no no no. Sorry, this is one and then there's another one.

Steve: Right, two more shows.

Ricky: And that's the last one, There's two more shows. Yeah.

Steve: Including this one.

Ricky: Well, starting now, if I'd have said this at the end it might have been ambiguous, but I said it at the beginning, there's two hours, that's a whole show, so there's two more shows.

Steve: Two more shows including this one.

Ricky: Yes, well obviously.

Steve: So only one more show after this one?

Ricky: It's only five past one.

Steve: After this show one more.

Ricky giggles

Ricky: Yeah, one more.

Steve: Basically it's one more show, so that's two...

Ricky sighs

Ricky: Now it's only one more show, goodnight! Um, now, it had better be a good one Karl, have we got Rockbusters?

Karl: Mmm...check.

Ricky: Seen those prizes, check. Have we got Monkey News?

Karl: Check.

Ricky: Is it a real Monkey News or is it something slightly made up that you ...

Karl: (mumbles) Always is.

Ricky: What?!

Karl: Always is, if you'd check.

Ricky: Ok, er...Knob News?

Karl: Er...yeah, we've got a bit of Knob News, yeah.

Steve: I'm worried that Knob News, because it's only about penises is a little bit sexist. Um...have we got any fanny facts? Could we maybe sort out that for next week, I don't want to alienate our female audience.

Ricky chuckles

Ricky: 'Welcome to Minge London!'. Um, good I'm glad that's...well, um, brilliant. Er, have we got song with a story?

Karl: Yeah, got that.

Ricky: What is it?

Karl: Er, I don't wanna ... sort of tell you what it is yet.

Ricky: Right.

Karl: 'Cos the song isn't that great.

Ricky: Oh good, oh good.

Karl: It's not like a song that's an XFM song but every time I hear it on say, like Magic

Ricky: 105.4

Karl: yep, I have an argument with Suzanne that y'know, what I think its about, and she says 'Dont be stupid its not about that' and I'll say 'no it is '

Ricky: And so we're gonna decide who's right. Well I don't know what song you're talking about and I don't know what the argument is ,but Suzanne's right.

Steve: Definitely

Ricky: No doubt about it.

Karl: Well we'll have a listen but I'm hoping that once people, sort of, listen to it again with my thoughts, everytime they hear it ...

Ricky: Well, this song sums up what people should think of you...

Karl sighs

Ricky: It's 'Dont believe a word' . Alright? Thats the sort of links I'm capable of...

Music fades in...

Steve: If thats all we've got to present to Sony then ...

Ricky laughs

Song: Thin Lizzy - Don't Believe A Word

Celebrity Leech Island

Ricky: Thin Lizzy, Don't Believe A Word on Xfm 104.9. I'm gonna miss this show. It's been good.

Steve: You'll be the only one

Ricky: No, well, w-w-we we'll come back again. w-w-w we've got a lot to do over the next few months but maybe, maybe for Christmas or just after? But I still call Karl everyday anyway

Steve: oh sure

Ricky: I called him a couple of days ago

Steve: course you did

Ricky: and I went, er it was the weekend I went 'what you doing?' and he went 'oh, just in Regents Park and that and just goin through... oh! Jesus!' I went 'what?' and he went 'A caterpillar just fell out of the sky.' I went 'what?' he went 'A caterpillar just fell out the sky, god it's there wriggling around.' I went 'sure a bird didn't drop it?' he looked up and went 'oh yeah.'

Steve: chuckles

Steve: course he did.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: For a moment there he thought caterpillars were raining from the sky.

Ricky: I thought I was, I was in chicken licken

Steve: yeah

Ricky: unbelievable. Why did you think a caterpillar had fallen out the sky?

Karl: I don't know , it just startled me a bit

Ricky: (guffaws) I love Karl being startled!

Steve: I love the idea of him straight on the phone to Trevor McDonald, 'Look Trevor, there's caterpillars, insects falling out the sky. They're falling out the sky now, put it on the news quick. You sure there wasn't a bird? Oh yeah there was a bird sorry Trev, Bye!'

Karl: It's weird, after I hung up, hung up the phone from you, I sort of sat there for a bit watching it.

Ricky: high pitched laughter

Steve: I imagine him cross legged just in front of it on the grass

Ricky: but do you know what, because of the shape, the shape of his head and his IQ I bet the caterpillar was thinking 'Mama!'

Steve: Huh yeah

Steve laughs

Ricky: Do you know what I mean? Unbelievable. Go on.

Karl: And uh... it was... it was... sort of running about all over the place, right Steve, so caterpillars have loads of feet an' that don't they?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Well.. Well they have six legs. They are actually a larvae and insects have six legs. But they have little sucker things to hold on to the back of cabbages and that.

Karl: No they've got more than that

Ricky: No. I'm telling you, they have six true legs. Trust me. Trust me, I'm a scientist.

Steve: And you were thinking what Karl?

Karl: Well...

Ricky: Well they've got little pods. They've got little um pseudo-pod legs and suckers, yeah.

Karl: But it was running about like, everywhere, right, mental. But sort of, running off to the left and then it sort of went back to where it was and then it went right and what have ya and I'm just thinking... whoever gave 'em the legs, right... what's the point if they don't know where they're going an' that.

Ricky laughs

Karl: D'ya know what I mean? If you could get about...

Steve: Imagine that sentence. Do you hear, did you hear that sentence? Can we play that sentence back?

Ricky: No, I don't think we can.

Steve: Imagine who gave em that legs...

Ricky: Whoever, whoever, whoever, whoever gave 'em them legs... what's the point if they don't know where they're going

Ricky and Steve: And that

Steve: Always and that

Ricky: And that. But... but maybe you just... to be fair to the catepillar with all its legs, okay, and it didn't know where it was going. It had just been plucked from its house by a bird, shot up into the sky and then dropped from 80 feet... hitting the ground.

Steve: Hitting the head of a weird bald shaved monkey.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: It was probably concussed.

Steve: Yeah.

Karl: Ahh... it's one of them things again though...

Ricky: But it still knew more about the world than you. How does that make you feel?

Karl: I just... I just think it's a waste of time havin' all them feet. It's the same thing with the uh...

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Feet now! It's got feet now!

Steve: Yeah... it has a nightmare buying shoes doesn't it Karl?

Karl: All the uh... what was it... what was it you were saying about leeches an' that? 'Cause we were talking about insects.

Ricky: Well, not insects.

Karl: Just all these...

Ricky: They're not insects.

Karl: What are they?

Ricky: Well I think they're probably... uh... class, oh, probably platyhelminthe. Probably

Karl: Yeah

Ricky: So, sort of like a flatworm-type thing

Steve: That's what you were thinking, wasn't it Karl?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Yeah! I'm not sure about that. I don't know what the phylum is. But theres, no, they'd uh, they'd be, neah.

Steve: What was the leach? What is an interesting leach fact?

Ricky: Well there was, there was an experiment of, um... where you get a maze for a leach and theres a bit of blood thing. And it learns, it eventually finds it way to the blood. Okay, then it knows.

Steve: Okay.

Ricky: And if you put it back to where it starts it knows where it, it goes straight towards it 'cause it's learnt it. If you liquidize that leach...

Steve: Right.

Ricky: ...and feed it to some leaches that have never done the maze... because of a thing called chemical memory, they find they're way straight to the blood.

Steve: That is extraordinary.

Ricky: It's extraordinary.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: I mean, it's... it's incredible... but--

Steve: We should try that at Hampton Court one weekend.

Ricky laughs

Steve: But maybe with some tourists. Just blend up some tourists.

Ricky: Or the people on the emm... I'll tell you who would do it, those people who go on, um, Celebrity Love Island.

Steve: Any of them.

Ricky: They would do anything to get owofthe... They would be liquidized. People have enemas, they will do any-- They wank off pigs. They will do anything to get on telly.

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: What about that? Be liquidized and fed to a nutter-- Get one D celebrity slapper, liquidizer her and feed her to another slut...

Steve: So we blend up Abi Titmuss...

Ricky: and see if she can find her way--

Ricky laughs

Ricky: And see if she can find her way to Channel 5.

Steve: Yeah.

Steve laughs

Ricky: What a brilliant show, hosted by Jimmy Carr.

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: That would be amazing.

Song: The Kinks - Better Things

Reality Trash

Steve: The Kinks, Better Things on Xfm 104.9. Steve Merchant, Ricky Gervais, Karl Pilkington.

Karl: But do you know this, um, we were talkinga bout the leach thing, right?

Steve: Sure.

Karl: You were saying, put 'em in a blender.

Ricky: I'm not saying that.

Steve chuckles

Karl: Well, someone did.

Ricky: Yeah...

Karl: Why were they doin' that in the first place? D'you know what I mean? How did they find out that... if you, if you put leaches in a blender...

Ricky: I don't know, they probably kept notes... I don't--

Karl: No, no, but what... what made 'em... were they just 'avin a laugh? What, what made 'em go--

Ricky: Uhm...

Steve: Yeah, it was at a party. It was a couple of fourteen-year-olds.

Ricky: Yeah... no, it was a couple of research scientists. They'd been given a million pounds, and the boss was comin' round to say "what you doin'" and they were just making a smoothie and they went "Quick!--"

Karl: See, this... this is--

Ricky: "Mr. Yakamoto's come round, throw in some leaches!" "What you doin'?" "..Just.. leechin.."

Steve: "Just feeding these leaches to some other leaches."

Ricky laughs

Steve: "Alright, that looks like science.. I'm off."

Ricky laughs again

Ricky: "Here's another million pounds for next year. Bye"

Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Karl: That's how they work though, innit? A lot of these scienti--

Ricky: Yeah, that's exactly how they work.

Karl: Well, I'm just saying they're getting away with murder.

Ricky: Go on.

Karl: Well, just the way they do sort of spend a length of time--

Ricky: You can't say anything in front of him, 'cause everything's, everything, everything's got a point with him.

Steve: Mmm.

Ricky: You can't have a conversation with Karl cause he always... eh, he always throws, puts in a curve ball. You tell him something, and it, it, it, the question comes back that you never could have expected. When I told him that story about the monkey that had run away because he had an argument with his father, he said "What was it about?"

Steve laughs

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Now, no one in the world thinks that. No one in the world would ask that question.

Karl: Well, that's the... The leach thing.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: You know how you said, uh... show... show the leach the way to it's bit of food or whatever it's eating or whatever--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: --in the maze, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It makes it's way, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It eats the... cheese or whatever, right?

Ricky: Blood!

Karl: Blood. Right.

Ricky laughs

Ricky: Cheese!

Karl: And then, and then you give it--

Ricky: Everything's a cartoon with Karl as well, innit?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: Everything's a cartoon...

Steve: It's a leach, with a little hat and a little baby bell at one end.

Ricky laughs

Karl: But what happens if you got another one--

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: --and moved the bit of blood, right?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: So... feed those two leaches to one... then what's, is it gonna get confused, or... d'ya know'at I mean? Which way will it go, if it's eaten two. Two leaches.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: That have done two different ways.

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: Is it.. sort of stressed out?

Ricky laughs

Ricky: I don't know! I don't know. It probably knows both routes, it probably goes, "Well, there's one over here. Mmnumnumnum. Oh, there's one over here as well. Mmnumnumnum. I'm happy, I've had two for the price of one. And I'm full of leaches! Nemnememememem!"

Karl: What's the best that can happen, for like--

Ricky: I don't! What are you talking about?! What do you want out of me?

Karl: 'Cause I'm just sayin', if they could, if they, if by that... if by doing that, they can go right: we can do this with humans.

Ricky howls

Ricky: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! What do you?! What do you mean, in the name of Christ?

Steve: They can't do it with humans.

Ricky: What do you mean?

Karl: All I'm saying is, what's the point in doin' it...

Ricky: Think! Wha--What do you mean?!

Karl: If you could do it with humans I'd say--

Ricky: But what do, wha, wha, wha, right, Karl. Think about what you're saying man.

Karl: Yeah, I'm saying--

Ricky: If you could do it with humans...? Do what with humans?

Karl: Say if Einstein, right, didn't do... all that maths that he did, right. Say if he got to E equals... and then he died.--

Ricky: ...Right...

Karl: Squash his brain. Ea--give it to someone else, say, "Right, eat that." And they go, "Right, it's E equals MC squared, innit?" What I'm sayin' is--

Ricky: But they wouldn't! They'd go, "E equals...euh." Wouldn't they? If it was chemical memory they'd go, "Oh, E equals...auh, same as Einstein said. Yeah I just ate his brain. What am I saying?! What are you--what have you made?" Karl. Think what you're saying. It's unbelievable. Eh-eh-eh-the thing is, right, youa--actually. Y-you are what a scientist does, you just keep saying, "Why?" and, "What?" and, "Why?" and, "What?" But nothing's ever enough for you. Which is good. It's nice to have a--

Karl: What I'm saying, I get annoyed with all the amount of time and effort that gets put into stuff that's useless. What's the next stage to squashing that leach? If it's not going anywhere, forget it. Work on something else.

Ricky laughs

Karl: It's the same way in some science magazine I was reading about... is there anything smaller than a quantum... electron or something?

Ricky: Yeah.

Karl: It's like if it's not gettin' in the way, don't worry about it

Ricky bursts into laughter

Karl: Why are they worrying about things we can't see? It just annoys me.

Steve: If you blended up Karl's brain and fed it to someone, would it make any difference?

Ricky: No, no.

Steve: They wouldn't even notice, would they? It wouldn't even register.

Ricky: You put it to a leach and the leach would go, "Oh... I don't know what I was doing... I don't know what... where was I going... I was"--

Steve: "I'm even more confused."

Ricky: "I don't know..." Talking of leaches, did you see the dregs that they put into Big Brother last night?

Steve: I've not been watching it.

Ricky: It's, I mean it's bad enough anyway. It's a house full of people you wouldn't... cross the road... t-to... save. Right?

Steve: Yeah.

Ricky: But, there's three, they put in three more to spice it up a little bit. They've put in... a low esteem model, right?

Steve: Sure.

Ricky: They've put in... Mr. Bean, who is the whitest man I've ever seen. I mean, it's like a new race. It's nearly see-through, and this thing that looks like Matt Lucas in a bikini.

Steve: Wow.

Ricky: Unbelievable. The fat-things on her back, I thought she was coming towards me.

Steve: Really...?

Ricky: It was, unbelievable. And the first thing she said, she went in, she looked in the mirror, adjusted herself and went, "Oooo, me minge!"

Steve: Oo-ohh, God. Awwh...

Ricky: It's--that's the level, it's un-

Steve: Do these people have relatives? Do they have--is there anyone in the world who knows them; claims to be a friend of theirs--

Ricky: Yeah. Family. Families

Steve: Do they have family though? Or is the family just--

Ricky: Well, yeah.

Steve: Have they just moved away?

Ricky: No, no, no. Their probably, their family apobobat... their family are probably quite proud of them. Because their on the tele. It's probably like, uh... "Saw your daughter... last night saying, 'Oooo me minge' on the tele"

Steve laughs

Ricky: "Yes, she was on tele, wasn't she? Yes, she was on the tele." "The--what about the bit about 'oooo me minge'?" She got one out immediately--

Steve: Of course.

Ricky: She went, "Eauuuu," got it out. Lobbed it out. I, it's, I mean it's un...believable. It looked like an experiment.

Steve: I can't watch it anymore, it's just too much now, 'cause these, uh I, I can't relate to those people in the world. Like in the first series I always remember it seemed like a genuine social experiment.

Ricky: Yeah, exactly.

Steve: There was intrigue, there was drama.

Ricky: Yeah.

Steve: It was genuinely great, hypnotic television.

Ricky: Now it's like putting ants in a jar and shaking it.

Steve: I don't--yeah. I don't know what's gone--but even now... I couldn't watch that... once a night, every week.

Ricky: No, I know

Steve: It's just...

Ricky: It is unbelievable that--what people are willing to do now. Because they just put in people... I mean it's--I mean it's unbelievable. It really is unb--Y-you don't care about anyone. But I suppose wha-what-what's good is that you want... I think you watch it now because you want one of them to fall over and hurt themselves.

Steve: Yeah, or just choke on a chicken bone.

Ricky laughs

Steve: And no one else in the house knows the heimlich maneuver.

Music starts

Ricky: That's a good idear, innit?

Steve: Yeh, feed 'em more chicken. Send them more roast chicken. Say, "We got a wonderful celebration for you."

Ricky continues laughing

Song: Feeder - Pushing the Senses

Saving Private Karl (from the cows)

Ricky: Pushing the senses, by Feeder on XFM. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, Karl Pilkington.

Karl: Alright?

Ricky: Alright? How you doin' Karl?

Karl: I'm alright yeh

Ricky: Had another holiday...

Karl: Well it wasn't a holiday, wasn't holiday

Ricky: Well it was, you had, you had 5 days off work. Why isn't it holiday? You had 5 days not working for a living. You know how many days holiday he gets a year now? 29

Steve sighs

Steve: That's more than teachers isn't it?

Ricky: It makes me sick. It makes me sick

Steve: Well I know, the kind of hours you work Rick, it's mad, I mean if you're not in work by midday, you're furious

Ricky Laughs

Ricky: No but I mean, I'm always...

Karl: 29 is normal - for the normal working person

Ricky: Yeah, but you know...

Karl: And anyway, it wasn't a proper holiday - I went to see my mam and dad. It's nice to see them and everything but it's not holiday is it?

Ricky: Why?

Karl: It's not going away, it's not getting on a plane, is it, going away

Ricky: Oh, is that the definition of a holiday? What happened before 1950?

Karl pauses

Karl: Mmm

Incomplete Transcript: Time: 14:55

Putting the "Fun" back into "Funeral"

Monkey? Mouse? Bollocks

2005: The Year of the Mammoth

Arse of Pain

Wheelchair Tonight

Dying? Go For A Swim

Bassline Chimp