25 June 2005

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Xfm Series 4
May 2005 - July 2005
List of episodes


  1. 28 May 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode I)
  2. 04 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode II)
  3. 11 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode III)
  4. 18 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode IV)
  5. 25 June 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode V)
  6. 02 July 2005 (Xfm: Episode VI)

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant present the penultimate show, number 5 of 6.

Track Listing

For a partial transcript of this episode see 25 June 2005/Transcript.

1. Checklist (0:00:00)

There's an ambiguity over how many shows there are left. Steve's confused but it's resolved. Karl confirms the presence of Rockbusters, Knob News, Monkey News and Song With A Story. Steve suggests a new feature: "Fanny Facts". Karl's got a song to play over which he and Suzanne disagree. Ricky is sure Suzanne is correct, even without hearing the song or the argument. Ricky ends with a trademark seamless link, for which Steve anticipates a Sony Award.

2. Celebrity Leech Island (0:02:19)

Ricky will miss the show but he calls Karl every day. The other day, Karl informed Ricky of a caterpillar that fell from the sky. After a few seconds, Karl realised it had been dropped by a bird, and sat around watching it. Ricky suggests that the caterpillar thought that Karl was his mother, and that even though it was concussed, it still knew more about the world than Karl, who thinks that the larvae has feet and he wonders what the point is of their having legs if they don't know where they are going. Karl compares a caterpillar to a leech in it's pointlessness, although a leech can find it's way to blood from a maze, according to Ricky. If the leech is liquidised and fed to another leech, then the sated leech knows the same route by chemical memory. Ricky suggests trying the same experiment with humans. Blend up Abi Titmuss and feed her to another slapper. Jimmy Carr to host.

3. Reality Trash (0:07:19)

Karl recaps the leech experiment, where they find their way to the bit of cheese, and suggests scientists discovered this accidentally. Ricky does a sketch where two boffins are messing around, and when "Mr. Yakamoto" comes round they chuck some leeches in a blender, which looks like science. Karl wonders what would happen if two leeches with two different routes were fed to a leech. Karl wonders if it can be done with humans. The example he gives is if Einstein died while writing E=mc2, could his brain be fed to someone else to complete it. Ricky says no, but that Karl is like a scientist as he constantly questions things. Science annoys Karl. Ricky is angered by the introduction of three new housemates on Big Brother. Ooh, me minge. Ricky says that the sad thing is that their families will probably be proud, as they are on telly. Ricky watches in the hope that a housemate gets hurt or die.

4. I've Got This Three Quid In My Pocket (0:14:03)

Karl's been on holiday again, which annoys Ricky. Karl gets 29 days of holiday a year. Steve slags off Ricky's work ethic. Karl went to see his mam and dad in Wales, where they all went to an exhibition featuring 6 foot gnomes. Karl's dad had the idea of avoiding the entrance fee by sneaking in via four fields of cows. The cows surrounded them. Ricky is surprised that Karl's dad didn't steal an unattended cow, like the phone box incident. They eventually escaped, but could have been killed. Bodies were sticking out of the ground. This was the highlight of the holiday. On returning to London, Karl popped by Ricky's, where he was greeted by Rick with his penis out, no shirt on, and with a cigar. It was like The Sopranos.

5. Not Funny Enough to be Killed For (0:20:50)

Steve confirms that people have been killed by cows, which is a bad way to die due to the humour aspect, like death by falling safe on head. Steve says that a man died by mooning, which is almost karmic. Other examples: stepping on a rake which flips up and hits someone in the head, killed by cactus up the arse, or a fat woman stage diving on someone. Karl discusses Michelle McManus on You are what you eat. ("What'd she eaten? Girls Aloud?" Steve quips.) They don't like the doctor, Gillian McKeith, who isn't actually a doctor. Steve says that she has a witch-like crone face. Karl says that her methods are pointless, and that he'd never have colonic irrigation, as doesn't understand it. Why a clear tube? he compares it to long running TV show "The Generation Game", with things whizzing past that must be remembered. Again, Karl wonders how it was discovered, much like the leeches. Steve wonders who actually eats a Peperami, which looks like something found down the back of the oven. He also wonders if anybody other than the homeless drinks Special Brew, and suggests that the marketing campaign could start with, "Are you trying to sleep on Tottenham Court Court Road?"

6. Monkey? Mouse? Bollocks (0:28:24)

Knob News time. The story is about a mouse wearing a monkey's testicle. Karl questions the point of the experiment,unless the same can be done for human testes. Karl says that the mouse didn't look good, and is surprised that the monkey sperm hadn't been replaced by the mouse's. Ricky tries to explain that it was only for nutrients and wouldn't alter it's biological state, and explains that a human testicle could be kept on a mouse too. Bulldogs are doing that anyway. Steve complains that Knob News has been changed to Testicle Time. Karl ponders the debate of animal testing, which Ricky derails by berating the Karl's intellect. Karl says science has no point; Ricky says he understand would if he read beyond the headline of a story. Karl once argued with an animal rights protester, saying that if the mouse had a headache then it's a good thing to give it Nurofen. The protester got annoyed and didn't want to listen any more, tied up with Karl's logic. Time for Rockbusters, with Ladder 49 as usual.

7. 2005: The Year of the Mammoth (0:37:22)

Science does Karl's head in, he says that he'd rather have lived after the war, but Ricky and Steve talk him out of it. A group of scientists are knocking together a mammoth, which Karl says take up too much space in the world. They're only doing it because they can. If the mammoth mattered, Noah would have saved it. Ricky says that Noah never happened. Karl's only doubt is Noah's location, wondering where he was where there was a hippo and a hamster. Karl gets muddles over what subject they are on, which Ricky blasts him for. Noah sketch. Karl says that Noah should have used that as an opportunity to have an animal clear out. Don't mess about with a mammoth. Karl gets annoyed that Ricky doesn't take him seriously, and has a go at Ricky's cat, which Steve doesn't like either because it leaps at his goolies. Karl doesn't like cats, and says that Dick Whittington shouldn't have taken one, he should have taken a mate who knows the way.

8. Arse of Pain (0:44:08)

Jane tried to wax Ricky's back the other day. He tells of the "Back, crack and sack" wax. Karl's issue with the procedure is that order. He doesn't know where people are going where the condition of the sack matters. Nudists are all about being natural, like the seaweed smuggling woman. Ricky correctly says that it's mainly gay men, and Steve wants one to phone in.

9. Wheelchair Tonight (0:47:44)

This week's "Song With a Story" is Eric Clapton's Wonderful Tonight. He is convinced that Clapton is singing about a woman whose husband is wheelchair-bound. His evidence for this claim is that she is always asking him "do you feel alright?" and the lyric "walking around with me," along with "everyone turns to see" and the fact that the girlfriend drives the car afterwards. Karl sings the word "leg" over "head" in the lyrics. Ricky and Steve say that Karl is wrong and Suzanne is right.

10. Dying? Go For A Swim (0:54:51)

Karl wonders what makes him happy. He's reading science, but knowledge is almost annoying. He read about a list of things to do before death, and at number one was to swim with dolphins. If Karl's ill, he'd rather go to the doctor's. Ricky and Steve spot that Karl has always misunderstood the idea of "things to do before you die". Karl would be in no mood for a dip. Ricky does a sketch about a granddad who wants to get in the water from his deathbed. Karl doesn't like travelling. Steve met a vigilante in Kenya. Ricky compares that tale to Karl's upbringing in Manchester. Rockbusters answers and a winner from the Isle of Wight. They're short on time but Ricky screams they have to fit in Monkey News.

11. Bassline Chimp (1:01:40)

Monkey News closes the show. In Pittsburgh, a rock band were recording in a studio. A monkey works at the studio. An A&R man came to listen and particularly liked the bass on the song, but the band didn't have a bassist. Ricky and Steve are hysterical; Karl cuts to ads as Ricky starts to criticise.


When I'm ill I throw up horse food, how does that work, what's going on there? I.H..
That garden tool, it's not yours, what are you doing with it, give it back, what's going on there? N.D.
That male sheep sounds fed up, why is he fed up, what's gone on? T.R.


Magic Numbers - Forever Lost
Thin Lizzy - Don't Believe a Word
The Kinks - Better Things
Feeder - Pushing The Senses
Ben Folds - Landed
Tom Petty - Free Falling
New Order - World
Foo Fighters - Best Of You
Aimee Mann - She Really Wants You
Turin Brakes - Fishing For A Dream
Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight
Jack Johnson - Where'd All The Good People Go
XTC - Making Plans For Nigel

External Links

See Also