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'''Notable Quotes from today's show:'''
{{Template:Infobox_Xfm_Series_4}}


'''Wedding'''
[[Ricky Gervais]] and [[Stephen Merchant]] gamely plod on for show 3 of 6.


"It's a bit boring innit? But you've got to do it. It'll be a great day for them but I know what'll happen. Suzanne'll see all the fuss and that and she'll get ideas and I'll have to let her down..."
==Track Listing==


'''Yoghurt'''
====1. Title====


"He said 'In the future, they reckon we'll be able to wake up and eat a yoghurt you can have a chat with'."
Heat magazine have been criticising "producer" Karl, for his "little round bald Manc head". On the subject of heads, a recurring theme in the show, Ricky notices that Karl's head looks extra shiny, "like a plate with ears". Mr.Spoon from Button Moon comes to Steve's mind, while Gervais compares Karl to a half human half monkey, especially his hands. Karl says that he is atending a wedding later on, hence the polished head, the "eggish" head according to Suzanne. The Manc then complains that "Baldy Boyd", the editor of Heat doesn't mention his bald head. Enraged, Karl says that wedding's are boring and he doesn't want to get married to Suzanne, he doesn't see the point; "I'm happy," he says. Gervais and Merchant disagree; "You're grumpy" Ricky says. "I'm alright," Karl replies, as always. Gervais teases us with a forthcoming anecdote, where Karl says the most stupid thing he has ever said.


'''Evolution'''
====2. Title====


"It went... D'you know what I mean? It was bacteria, it was fish, mermaid, man..."  
Ricky says that the Only Ones song just played has the best intro ever, while Doctor Fox prefers Moeny For Nothing by Dire Straits, says it all really... Ricky describes his golfing weekend, he took Karl not his girlfriend Jane. Steve rightly questions the gayness of the trip, but Ricky says it wasn't. On hole one Ricky did a good drive whereas Karl messed it up incredibly, leaving Ricky rolling about on the floor. To add to Pilkington's unrest, the actor who played David Brent did a handbrake turn in the golf buggy, near a lake. Karl understandably screamed. Ricky carded 107, Karl scored 117, after 5 hours on the course. Karl then fell asleep in the bath as there was no lightbulb and had to go to dinner wet, while Ricky had a jog. The two have dinner, in front of the fire with cigars. "Is it 1955?" Steve asks. Karl got taught about Evolution, and argued "Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?" then taught Ricky something of his own; "They reckon in the future you'll be able to wake up and have a yoghurt that you can have a chat with." Ricky retired to bed, exasperated.


'''Nudists'''
====3. Title====


"Not a problem thouhg is it? It's not like being scared of spiders where they might jump out of the kitchen sink at you..."  
Evolution has got it wrong, according to the Manc; "We'd have been better off staying as a fish, there's more sea than land." A sensible point, which he then undoes by saying the evolution went "Bacteria-fish-mermaid-man.". Ricky then partially agrees that human beings have interfered with Evolution, but not with the yoghurt. Karl explains the chatty yoghurt, he read about it in the Telegraph. He tells the two co-writers that "They have them yoghurts that are friendly bacteria... this is just a really friendly one."  
====4. Title====


'''God'''
Ricky praises U2, then tells Karl off for Steve's voice being quiet to the listeners. Raconteur Pilkington tells of his holiday to Sardinia. "It's allright, nice food nice beaches," he says, a modern day Alan Bennet. But then he encountered a nudist... a German couple. Ricky wonders how Karl knew the lady was German, maybe under-arm hair? "Forget the under-arm hair," comes Pilkingtons riposte, "it looked like she was smuggling seaweed!" Gervais nearly dies of laughter. "She might as well had kept her trunks on, mental," Karl carries on, "her husband's embarrassed, he knows it's odd." The Mancunian is annoyed that the 40-something woman arrived on a bike, with boots but no other apparrel. Still, Karl had a good look but his day had been ruined by the seaweed smuggler. He then wonders what would have happened if on his and Suzanne's first holiday he found out she was a nudist; "I'd be annoyed but there'd be nothin' I could do." Steve suggests that a nudist spokesperson phones up and puts Karl right. Karl then gets agitated by remembering a report he read which featured a nudist playing bowls; "Don't play a sport where you've gotta bend over," he instructs.


"He made man out of dust - just 'cos he could, he's having a laugh - then he made her out of one of his ribs - likes to vary it a little bit - they had two sons, which gave rise to the entire human race. What was going on there then?" 
====5. Title====


'''Babooshka'''
A listener emails in to spread word of the nude bike ride that took place in London that day. Steve questions the legality, while Karl ponders the motive. Gervais shows a touch of stereotyping when he requests a fat German nudist called Helmut to phone in. The phone rings but Karl doesn't answer. Instead he mentions an Australian vicar who conducts his services in the nude, including weddings. "Cheaper innit?" the miserly lanky one approves. Ricky says it might be a tribute to Adam and Eve, who Karl, an agnostic, find interesting. "What would've happened if they didn't get on?" he wonders. Ricky feels the same way about pandas then compares it to Celebrity Love Island. Steve then challenges the Christian Church by wondering if Adam had any say in Eve's breast size. Karl find it more pertinent to ask what Adam and Eve's surname was. Ricky says that Karl doesn't like music, Karl says he only like songs with stories, like Babooshka by Kate Moss.


"I wouldn't pick Babooshka. That's a ridiculous name. That wouldn't have worked anyway - you just get a vision in your head. I wouldn't have answered a letter from someone called Babooshka."
====6. Title====


'''Rockbusters'''
The three Musketeers discuss Babooshka, about a man who has an affair with a mystery woman, who turns out to be his wife. Karl thinks it would never happen, the bloke would recognise that it was his wife. He wonders what would happen if he tried to do the same with Suzanne; "I wouldn't pick Babooshka, it's a stupid name." Gervais now wants Kate Bush to phone up, it rings but again Karl doesn't answer.


"You're asked if you want that bit of the egg. You think about it, but decide against it. What's going on there?"
====7. Title====


'''Charity'''
Time for the quiz nobody looks forward to, Rockbusters, but with a twist. Before Chairman Karl delivers his address, he must guess a clue from a listener; "It's Sunday morning, I'm in bed, but I haven't got anything to dunk in me tea, what's goin' on there?" Karl gets it instantly; "Lionel Richie, lying-in, no rich tea." Time for the real clues:


"Two months later, got another package. Picture of June in there again - she's got a tan! They're saying you're paying to keep her warm, I didn't know they meant a week in Majorca."
1. "There's a vehicle that sells kebabs." - D


'''Cuisine'''
2. "You're asked if you want that bit of the egg, you think about it but decide against it." - YO


"I'll tell you what happens, you go in there you have some kind of Thai green curry for lunch, you're asleep by one thirty, we're trying to work, we're trying to write TV shows and you're dozing off like one of those giant anacondas that's just eaten a sheep!"  
3. "I don't think this burger would catch on." - M


'''Intercept'''
One of the prizes is Ladder 49.


"Obviously what happened is, Suzanne has sent you an e-mail in the week and you've returned it, but you're returned it to the wrong address, you've returned it to someone here who of course immediately forwarded it to my agent..., 'It was when I put sausages in the toaster'"
====8. Title====
Steve confirms the World Naked Bike Ride, against oil dependancy. Karl asks if they have to wear a helemt, claiming that "it's sensible to just pop some pants on." Ricky briefly discusses Bob Geldof's G8 campaign, Karl respects him as he used to work at XFM, but thinks he's wasting his time and uses an analogy where he spent all his money down the arcade as a kid, got some more money and did the same again. He thinks that the Africans are doing something similar, metaphorically of course, not literally as Ricky chides. Rikcy says he'd love to see Karl in the G8, in a room with Blair, Bush and Chirac. Steve asks Karl what he'd do if he was in charge of the world, but Karl says he does enough by buying tools for Africa but got conned by a charity for pensioners; he was asked to help a cold old lady, thinking that he was paying for her heating bill. But when he got a letter back, the lady had a tan. As it transpired, she had been on holiday with the money, and that's what it meant when it said to keep her warm. Karl wraps up the Africa debate by saying "It would have been better to have the gig in Africa, get people out there, cheap flights, hot dog stands, locals will love that, jobe done." Ricky then asks the Boomtown Rats singer to phone in.


'''Odd'''
====9. Title====


"Well who'd want to eat that? It's like a Mac Burger, McChicken, McFly. I don't want it. Put it back."
Tv fop Jonathan Ross took Ricky to the best restaurant in the world, the Fat Duck In Bray but Ricky is a fussy eater. He was apprehensive when he saw that one of the dishes was "Snail Porridge" but it all turned out alright... what a story eh? Steve says that Ricky is like a child from Jamie's School Dinners who just wants turkey twizzlers. Steve refuses to eat with Ricky, award ceremonies are a nightmare. Gervais looks at his girlfriend thinking "ooh mum why have you brought me here." Steve blames the Gervais family, and says that even if the actor-writer-comedian was in Jesus time then he would have turned down the son of Christ at the feeding of the 5 thousand. Ricky says it's Steve's fault as he is tight with money at lunchtime. Karl brings up the 50p incident, where Steve got furious where Karl didn't want to pay it back, especially after giving the goggle-eyed freak a keg of lager. Steve says that he will always save money, he would wait ten minutes to save a few quid, Ricky wouldn't. Karl says it depends what the job he does is; if he was a doctor he couldn't wait around.


'''Monkeynews'''
====10. Title====


"He believes it. He believes every word he's saying. Remember when you hear this, whatever it is, this twaddle - he believes it."
"I used to eat 12 packets of Doritos a night," says Pop Idol winner Michelle McManus. Steve thinks it's ludicrous and brings up the story of Britain's fattest family, and how the fattest one, the 13 year old who weighed 27 stone broke 5 bikes when he was Britain's Fattest Toddler, aged 4, 10 stone. Steve wonders if he's on the World Naked Bike Ride now that he has lost weight. On the subject of food, Ricky reads out an email that was sent by Suzanne to Karl, that Karl returned to the wrong address. Ricky got hold of it, it was a recipe for quiche, with precise instructions like "place on plate, eat." and "(the bottle behind the cafe tiere)". Karl still couldn't follow that, and confesses that he once put cooking oil on his food, and that Suzanne came home to find Karl plunging sausages in the toaster. Suzanne, effectively Karl's carer, stopped him in the nick of time. Steve says that Karl's mental state is less than that of a Care in the Community person.
 
====11. Title====
 
Rockbuster's answers:
 
1. D- Donnavan (donner van)
 
2. YO - Yoko Ono (yoke? ohhhh.... oh no)
 
3. M - McFly ("like a mac burger. Who'd want that? Put it back, I'll have chicken.")
 
The mentalist who got them right was Ian Shilling, who wins Ladder 49, lucky sod.
====12. Title====
 
Oooh Cimpanzee that, he's gone and found another story the f.... A couple is having a lovely meal in a restaurant in LA. They are forbidden from complimenting the chef so they leave. However, they pass the open kitchen door to see "a monkey stood on a chair, chopping veg". "A monkey," Steve says "that probably doesn't need instructions from his girlfriend." "Ah, forget it," Karl cuts to ads to singal the end fo the show.
 
==Quotes==
 
KP: "A German woman..."
 
RG: "How could you tell she was German? Under-arm hair?"
 
KP: "Well, forget the under-arm hair..."
 
RG: *laughter*
 
KP: "It looked like she was smuggling seaweed."
 
RG: *wheezes and dissloves into a fit of laughter*
 
==Playlist==
 
An Honest Mistake - The Bravery
 
Another Girl, Another Planet - The Only Ones
 
Sonnet - The Verve
 
City of Blinding Lights - U2
 
Pardon My Heart - Neil Young
 
Babooshka - Kate Bush
 
Halflight - Athlete
 
Impossible Girl - Lloyd Cole
 
Somebody Told Me - The Killers
 
Pushing the Senses - Feeder
 
Hard Rain - Roxy Music
 
If I Can't Change Your Mind - Sugar
 
==Extras==
 
Transcript Here When It's Done
 
==Download==
 
 
==See Also==
*[[Xfm Series 1]]
*[[Xfm Series 2]]
*[[Xfm Series 3]]

Revision as of 11:48, 9 October 2006

Xfm Series 4
May 2005 - July 2005
List of episodes

Episodes:

  1. 28 May 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode I)
  2. 04 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode II)
  3. 11 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode III)
  4. 18 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode IV)
  5. 25 June 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode V)
  6. 02 July 2005 (Xfm: Episode VI)

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant gamely plod on for show 3 of 6.

Track Listing

1. Title

Heat magazine have been criticising "producer" Karl, for his "little round bald Manc head". On the subject of heads, a recurring theme in the show, Ricky notices that Karl's head looks extra shiny, "like a plate with ears". Mr.Spoon from Button Moon comes to Steve's mind, while Gervais compares Karl to a half human half monkey, especially his hands. Karl says that he is atending a wedding later on, hence the polished head, the "eggish" head according to Suzanne. The Manc then complains that "Baldy Boyd", the editor of Heat doesn't mention his bald head. Enraged, Karl says that wedding's are boring and he doesn't want to get married to Suzanne, he doesn't see the point; "I'm happy," he says. Gervais and Merchant disagree; "You're grumpy" Ricky says. "I'm alright," Karl replies, as always. Gervais teases us with a forthcoming anecdote, where Karl says the most stupid thing he has ever said.

2. Title

Ricky says that the Only Ones song just played has the best intro ever, while Doctor Fox prefers Moeny For Nothing by Dire Straits, says it all really... Ricky describes his golfing weekend, he took Karl not his girlfriend Jane. Steve rightly questions the gayness of the trip, but Ricky says it wasn't. On hole one Ricky did a good drive whereas Karl messed it up incredibly, leaving Ricky rolling about on the floor. To add to Pilkington's unrest, the actor who played David Brent did a handbrake turn in the golf buggy, near a lake. Karl understandably screamed. Ricky carded 107, Karl scored 117, after 5 hours on the course. Karl then fell asleep in the bath as there was no lightbulb and had to go to dinner wet, while Ricky had a jog. The two have dinner, in front of the fire with cigars. "Is it 1955?" Steve asks. Karl got taught about Evolution, and argued "Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?" then taught Ricky something of his own; "They reckon in the future you'll be able to wake up and have a yoghurt that you can have a chat with." Ricky retired to bed, exasperated.

3. Title

Evolution has got it wrong, according to the Manc; "We'd have been better off staying as a fish, there's more sea than land." A sensible point, which he then undoes by saying the evolution went "Bacteria-fish-mermaid-man.". Ricky then partially agrees that human beings have interfered with Evolution, but not with the yoghurt. Karl explains the chatty yoghurt, he read about it in the Telegraph. He tells the two co-writers that "They have them yoghurts that are friendly bacteria... this is just a really friendly one."

4. Title

Ricky praises U2, then tells Karl off for Steve's voice being quiet to the listeners. Raconteur Pilkington tells of his holiday to Sardinia. "It's allright, nice food nice beaches," he says, a modern day Alan Bennet. But then he encountered a nudist... a German couple. Ricky wonders how Karl knew the lady was German, maybe under-arm hair? "Forget the under-arm hair," comes Pilkingtons riposte, "it looked like she was smuggling seaweed!" Gervais nearly dies of laughter. "She might as well had kept her trunks on, mental," Karl carries on, "her husband's embarrassed, he knows it's odd." The Mancunian is annoyed that the 40-something woman arrived on a bike, with boots but no other apparrel. Still, Karl had a good look but his day had been ruined by the seaweed smuggler. He then wonders what would have happened if on his and Suzanne's first holiday he found out she was a nudist; "I'd be annoyed but there'd be nothin' I could do." Steve suggests that a nudist spokesperson phones up and puts Karl right. Karl then gets agitated by remembering a report he read which featured a nudist playing bowls; "Don't play a sport where you've gotta bend over," he instructs.

5. Title

A listener emails in to spread word of the nude bike ride that took place in London that day. Steve questions the legality, while Karl ponders the motive. Gervais shows a touch of stereotyping when he requests a fat German nudist called Helmut to phone in. The phone rings but Karl doesn't answer. Instead he mentions an Australian vicar who conducts his services in the nude, including weddings. "Cheaper innit?" the miserly lanky one approves. Ricky says it might be a tribute to Adam and Eve, who Karl, an agnostic, find interesting. "What would've happened if they didn't get on?" he wonders. Ricky feels the same way about pandas then compares it to Celebrity Love Island. Steve then challenges the Christian Church by wondering if Adam had any say in Eve's breast size. Karl find it more pertinent to ask what Adam and Eve's surname was. Ricky says that Karl doesn't like music, Karl says he only like songs with stories, like Babooshka by Kate Moss.

6. Title

The three Musketeers discuss Babooshka, about a man who has an affair with a mystery woman, who turns out to be his wife. Karl thinks it would never happen, the bloke would recognise that it was his wife. He wonders what would happen if he tried to do the same with Suzanne; "I wouldn't pick Babooshka, it's a stupid name." Gervais now wants Kate Bush to phone up, it rings but again Karl doesn't answer.

7. Title

Time for the quiz nobody looks forward to, Rockbusters, but with a twist. Before Chairman Karl delivers his address, he must guess a clue from a listener; "It's Sunday morning, I'm in bed, but I haven't got anything to dunk in me tea, what's goin' on there?" Karl gets it instantly; "Lionel Richie, lying-in, no rich tea." Time for the real clues:

1. "There's a vehicle that sells kebabs." - D

2. "You're asked if you want that bit of the egg, you think about it but decide against it." - YO

3. "I don't think this burger would catch on." - M

One of the prizes is Ladder 49.

8. Title

Steve confirms the World Naked Bike Ride, against oil dependancy. Karl asks if they have to wear a helemt, claiming that "it's sensible to just pop some pants on." Ricky briefly discusses Bob Geldof's G8 campaign, Karl respects him as he used to work at XFM, but thinks he's wasting his time and uses an analogy where he spent all his money down the arcade as a kid, got some more money and did the same again. He thinks that the Africans are doing something similar, metaphorically of course, not literally as Ricky chides. Rikcy says he'd love to see Karl in the G8, in a room with Blair, Bush and Chirac. Steve asks Karl what he'd do if he was in charge of the world, but Karl says he does enough by buying tools for Africa but got conned by a charity for pensioners; he was asked to help a cold old lady, thinking that he was paying for her heating bill. But when he got a letter back, the lady had a tan. As it transpired, she had been on holiday with the money, and that's what it meant when it said to keep her warm. Karl wraps up the Africa debate by saying "It would have been better to have the gig in Africa, get people out there, cheap flights, hot dog stands, locals will love that, jobe done." Ricky then asks the Boomtown Rats singer to phone in.

9. Title

Tv fop Jonathan Ross took Ricky to the best restaurant in the world, the Fat Duck In Bray but Ricky is a fussy eater. He was apprehensive when he saw that one of the dishes was "Snail Porridge" but it all turned out alright... what a story eh? Steve says that Ricky is like a child from Jamie's School Dinners who just wants turkey twizzlers. Steve refuses to eat with Ricky, award ceremonies are a nightmare. Gervais looks at his girlfriend thinking "ooh mum why have you brought me here." Steve blames the Gervais family, and says that even if the actor-writer-comedian was in Jesus time then he would have turned down the son of Christ at the feeding of the 5 thousand. Ricky says it's Steve's fault as he is tight with money at lunchtime. Karl brings up the 50p incident, where Steve got furious where Karl didn't want to pay it back, especially after giving the goggle-eyed freak a keg of lager. Steve says that he will always save money, he would wait ten minutes to save a few quid, Ricky wouldn't. Karl says it depends what the job he does is; if he was a doctor he couldn't wait around.

10. Title

"I used to eat 12 packets of Doritos a night," says Pop Idol winner Michelle McManus. Steve thinks it's ludicrous and brings up the story of Britain's fattest family, and how the fattest one, the 13 year old who weighed 27 stone broke 5 bikes when he was Britain's Fattest Toddler, aged 4, 10 stone. Steve wonders if he's on the World Naked Bike Ride now that he has lost weight. On the subject of food, Ricky reads out an email that was sent by Suzanne to Karl, that Karl returned to the wrong address. Ricky got hold of it, it was a recipe for quiche, with precise instructions like "place on plate, eat." and "(the bottle behind the cafe tiere)". Karl still couldn't follow that, and confesses that he once put cooking oil on his food, and that Suzanne came home to find Karl plunging sausages in the toaster. Suzanne, effectively Karl's carer, stopped him in the nick of time. Steve says that Karl's mental state is less than that of a Care in the Community person.

11. Title

Rockbuster's answers:

1. D- Donnavan (donner van)

2. YO - Yoko Ono (yoke? ohhhh.... oh no)

3. M - McFly ("like a mac burger. Who'd want that? Put it back, I'll have chicken.")

The mentalist who got them right was Ian Shilling, who wins Ladder 49, lucky sod.

12. Title

Oooh Cimpanzee that, he's gone and found another story the f.... A couple is having a lovely meal in a restaurant in LA. They are forbidden from complimenting the chef so they leave. However, they pass the open kitchen door to see "a monkey stood on a chair, chopping veg". "A monkey," Steve says "that probably doesn't need instructions from his girlfriend." "Ah, forget it," Karl cuts to ads to singal the end fo the show.

Quotes

KP: "A German woman..."

RG: "How could you tell she was German? Under-arm hair?"

KP: "Well, forget the under-arm hair..."

RG: *laughter*

KP: "It looked like she was smuggling seaweed."

RG: *wheezes and dissloves into a fit of laughter*

Playlist

An Honest Mistake - The Bravery

Another Girl, Another Planet - The Only Ones

Sonnet - The Verve

City of Blinding Lights - U2

Pardon My Heart - Neil Young

Babooshka - Kate Bush

Halflight - Athlete

Impossible Girl - Lloyd Cole

Somebody Told Me - The Killers

Pushing the Senses - Feeder

Hard Rain - Roxy Music

If I Can't Change Your Mind - Sugar

Extras

Transcript Here When It's Done

Download

See Also

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