11 June 2005

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Xfm Series 4
May 2005 - July 2005
List of episodes


  1. 28 May 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode I)
  2. 04 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode II)
  3. 11 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode III)
  4. 18 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode IV)
  5. 25 June 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode V)
  6. 02 July 2005 (Xfm: Episode VI)

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant gamely plod on for show 3 of 6.

Track Listing

1. Your Head Looks a Bit Egg-ish (0:00:00)

Heat magazine have been criticising "producer" Karl, for his "little round bald Manc head". Ricky notices that Karl's head looks extra shiny, like a plate with ears. Mr.Spoon from Button Moon comes to Steve's mind, while Gervais compares Karl to a half human half monkey, especially his hands. Karl says that he is attending a wedding later on. Karl then complains that "Baldy Boyd", the editor of Heat doesn't mention his bald head. Karl says that weddings are boring and he doesn't want to get married; he doesn't see the point. Karl says he's happy but Ricky and Steve are incredulous. Forthcoming, Ricky has an anecdote about the most ridiculous thing Karl has ever said.

2. Talking (Yoghurt) Heads (0:04:14)

Ricky says that the Only Ones song just played has one of his favourite intros ever, and Steve snores. Dr Fox thinks it's Money for Nothing. Jane gave Ricky a golfing weekend as a gift, and Ricky took Karl. Steve thinks Jane just wanted some time off from Rick. On hole one Ricky did a good drive whereas Karl messed it up incredibly, leaving Ricky rolling about on the floor. To add to Karl's unrest, Ricky did a handbrake turn in the golf buggy, near a lake. Ricky carded 107 and Karl scored 119, after 5 hours on the course. Karl fell asleep in the bath as there was no light bulb and had to go to dinner with wet clothes, because Ricky was impatient. The two have dinner in front of the fire with cigars. Steve asks if it was 1955. Karl got taught about evolution, and inscrutably ponders giraffes. He teaches Ricky something of his own: "In the future, 'they' reckon that you'll be able to wake up and eat a yoghurt that you can have a chat with". Ricky retired to bed, exasperated.

3. Bacteria - Fish - Mermaid - Man (0:11:34)

Karl thinks evolution has got it wrong. We'd have been better off staying as a fish. Steve's thinking of dozing off. Karl is confused about where humans came from. Ricky partially agrees that human beings have interfered with evolution, but not with the yoghurt. Karl explains the chatty yoghurt; he read about it in The Daily Telegraph. There are already bacteria-friendly yoghurts, this is just a really friendly one.

4. Smuggling Seaweed (0:15:45)

Ricky praises U2, then tells Karl off for Steve's mic being quiet to the listeners. Karl tells of his holiday to Sardinia which has nice food and beaches. Karl encountered a German nudist woman with her husband and explains why he thinks she was German. Ricky nearly dies of laughter. Karl thinks her husband was embarrassed and is annoyed that she wore boots. He wonders what would have happened if on his and Suzanne's first holiday he found out she was a nudist. Steve suggests a nudist spokesperson phone up and put Karl right. Karl gets agitated by remembering a report he read which featured a nudist playing bowls. Don't play a sport where you gotta bend over.

5. Adam and Eve or Karl and Suzanne? (0:22:57)

A listener emails in to spread word of the nude bike ride that day in Hyde Park. Steve questions the legality, while Karl ponders the motive. Ricky requests a fat German nudist called Helmut phone in. The phone rings but Karl doesn't answer. Instead he mentions an Australian vicar who conducts his services in the nude, including weddings, which would be cheaper. Ricky says it might be a tribute to Adam and Eve, who Karl find interesting. He wonders what would have happened if they didn't get on. Ricky feels the same way about pandas then compares it to Celebrity Love Island. Steve wonders if Adam had any say in Eve's hair colour and breast size. Karl wonders what Adam and Eve's surname was. Ricky says that Karl doesn't like music; Karl says he only like songs with stories, like Babooshka by Kate Bush.

6. Manc in Disguise (0:29:32)

Ricky intros Magic, since they just played a Kate Bush song. Babooshka discussion. Karl thinks the bloke would recognise that it was his wife. He wonders what would happen if he tried to do the same with Suzanne, and would never pick the name Babooshka. Ricky now wants Kate Bush to phone up, but she may be busy with hippie activities.

7. Lie-in No Rich Tea (0:32:15)

A listener has send in their own Rockbuster, which Steve delivers. Karl gets it straight away. Karl gives this week's clues, and Steve reads the prizes which of course include Ladder 49.

8. Charity Cons (0:36:49)

Steve confirms the World Naked Bike Ride, against oil dependency. Karl asks if they have to wear a helmet, and thinks it's sensible to pop some pants on. Ricky briefly discusses Bob Geldof's G8 campaign. Karl respects Sir Bob as he used to work at Xfm, but thinks he's wasting his time. Karl remembers when he spent all his money down the arcade as a kid, got some more money from his mam and did the same again. Ricky would love to see Karl in the G8. Steve asks Karl what he'd do if he was in charge of the world, but Karl says he does enough by buying tools for Africa but got conned by a charity for pensioners. He gives £5 a month to help an old lady with heating. The second letter he got showed a picture of her with a tan. Karl wraps up the Africa debate by saying "It would have been better to have the gig in Africa, get people out there, cheap flights, hot dog stands, locals will love that, job done." Ricky then asks Geldof to phone in.

9. Waiting... Still Waiting (0:45:49)

Jonathan Ross took Ricky to the best restaurant in the world, The Fat Duck In Bray, but Ricky is a fussy eater. He was apprehensive when he saw that one of the dishes was snail porridge but they made his with mushrooms. Steve says that Ricky is like a child from Jamie's School Dinners who just wants Turkey Twizzlers. Steve refuses to eat with Ricky; award ceremonies are a nightmare. Steve blames the Gervais family, and says that even if Ricky was live in Jesus' times he would have turned down the food at the feeding of the 5 thousand. Steve rants about Ricky's eating but Ricky retorts that they can only choose from 3 restaurants at lunch because Steve won't spend more than a fiver. Steve compares Rick to a giant anaconda that sleeps while trying to digest a sheep it ate. Karl brings up the 50p incident, in which where Steve got furious where Karl didn't want to pay Steve back, even though he'd given Steve a keg of lager. Steve sometimes saves money waiting for the off-peak Zones 1 and 2 tube ticket, but Ricky wouldn't wait more than 30 seconds. Madness. Karl says it depends on what job you do.

10. Sausages in the Toaster (0:53:22)

Steve recounts how Michelle McManus apparently used to eat 12 packets of Doritos a night. Britain's fattest family shed 23 stone. The fattest one, the 13 year old who weighed 27 stone and broke 5 bikes. Steve wonders if he's on the World Naked Bike Ride now that he has lost weight. Ricky reads out an email that was sent by Suzanne to Karl, that Karl returned to the wrong address. Ricky reads out her instructions to Karl about his tea. It was too much messing about anyway so he skipped a couple steps. He once put cooking oil on his food, and tried an alternative method for cooking sausages. Some people in Care in the Community need less help.

11. Yolk? Oh...Oh No (0:59:36)

Rockbusters answers including a classic one.

12. It's the Chef (1:02:29)

The Sugar song is "A Ricky and Steve Classic". Time for Monkey News. A couple is having a lovely meal in a restaurant in L.A. They are forbidden from complimenting the chef so they leave. However, they pass the open kitchen door to see a monkey stood on a chair, cooking veg. Steve says the monkey probably doesn't need instructions from his girlfriend, and Karl gives up and plays the ads.


Karl: Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?

Karl: A German woman...
Ricky: How could you tell she was German? Under-arm hair?
Karl: Well, forget the under-arm hair...It looked like she was smuggling seaweed.

Steve: I actually got to the point now where I refuse to eat out with Ricky. It sucks the life out of me. I can't enjoy the experience. You whinge, you complain, you look at Jane like a little boy, like "Oh Mum, why've you brought me here?"

Karl: Monkey stood on a chair.. cookin' veg


There's a vehicle that sells kebabs. D.
You're asked if you want that bit of the egg, you think about it, but decide against it. Y.O.
I don't think this burger will catch on. M.


The Bravery - An Honest Mistake
The Only Ones - Another Girl, Another Planet
The Verve - Sonnet
U2 - City of Blinding Lights
Neil Young - Pardon My Heart
Kate Bush - Babooshka
Athlete - Half Light
Lloyd Cole - Impossible Girl
The Killers - Somebody Told Me
Feeder - Pushing the Senses
Bryan Ferry - A Hard Rain's a-Gonna Fall
Sugar - If I Can't Change Your Mind

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...