04 June 2005

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Xfm Series 4
May 2005 - July 2005
List of episodes


  1. 28 May 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode I)
  2. 04 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode II)
  3. 11 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode III)
  4. 18 June 2005 (Xfm: Episode IV)
  5. 25 June 2005 (Transcript) (Xfm: Episode V)
  6. 02 July 2005 (Xfm: Episode VI)

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant carry on with the show, the second in a run of 6.

Track Listing

1. Poxy Music (0:00:00)

Ricky confesses his favourite Coldplay song, Speed of Sound. Steve says it sounds the same as all the other ones. Karl as "producer" is with inverted commas. Gervais laments Karl's complacency at not having a song he wanted to play, and then getting in the obligatory mention of Four Non Blondes. Gervais is also annoyed that he has not been sent any more free stuff, it makes Steve "fume". It's 40 quid to advertise on Xfm. "Jeff's Garage" and Steve recalls a tattoo parlour ad.

2. Ginger-dread...man (0:03:04)

Ricky turns down millions of pounds for adverts. Either their cachet has gone down or Xfm is a tinpot station with no listeners. The next target of his rage is Karl, branding the comedy genius as "miserable old chimp". Steve concedes that the Karl's arms are indeed simian. Karl's body hair annoys him, including the hair on his toes. Steve suggests that following on from last weeks finale, Karl should try and play a song with his feet while swinging from a tyre. Karl gets angry that the place where he should have hair, his head, is bare. He hates being naked, even on holiday. "If you're a cat and you're shaved you don't look nice," he rationalises. The trio discuss orangutan salons and Karl says they should be shaved. Gervais says he doesn't know how the big, ugly ginger ones get laid. Why do ginger people get stick? Two answers crop up later in the show. You never see a thin happy ginger cat running about. Karl would rather be bald than ginger.

3. Biology? Physics? Nah, Penguins (0:09:01)

Ricky's got a fax from the BAS Scientists are researching in Antarctica, in 24 hour darkness. They want Ricky to record a message for them, just as Rolf Harris has done. Steve thinks that if he was stuck in a hut for 3 months then a message from Rolf Harris would do little to brighten the mood. The Holy Trinity of Comedy then promise to dedicate the whole show to them. Steve says they will just be looking at porn, or Pingu on a loop, then guesses that they are looking at penguins. Ricky wants Karl to tell them what's gone on in the world after the break, but Karl wanted to ask them.

4. Star Bores Episode 4: A New Pope (0:14:22)

"Pope's dead", Karl tactfully informs the Antarctic scientists. Steve thinks the pope should have been put on a trolley and wheeled past the crowds. Karl reckons the Catholic Church quit taking on old people. His dad couldn't even get a gig in B&Q. Steve reminds the listeners of Karl's father's phonebox thieving in the village in Wales where he lives, inhabited by 8 people. The wily old Manc intercepts food parcels left in the phonebox by the local shop (Original story aired 29th March 2003). Karl then terrifies the scientists by telling them of the foot long spider that eats chicken, discussed last week. Gervais protests that they'll think the world has been taken over. Steve thinks that the scientists will think the show is as bad as Big Brother. One ginger theory that Judas from the Bible was a ginger. Karl inquires about Judas. The other ginger explanation is that in Elizabethan times people with ginger hair were told that their mother slept with the devil. Steve doesn't believe either and Ricky thinks both are plausible. Karl is glad that Judas wasn't bald, otherwise he'd be mocked in the same way as Mick Hucknall is.

5. Lonely Scientist? Call Ricky Gervais on 08... (0:22:14)

Steve does one of Ricky's famous post-song link intros. A scientist emails in to say that they research the atmosphere, and that they do indeed have the internet. Karl wonders whether Ricky's message will be given to the scientists that don't receive any post from friends and family. Karl also says that the scientists should just get the job done and go home. Karl missed the news about the pig olympics in China.

6. Rick Waddler (0:24:39)

Karl tells the scientists that they are better off not knowing about news. He doesn't know about the EU constitution. What he does know about is the fat baby on the telly. The fat kids have an illness called MOMO, there's only 3 of them in the world; one was 2 years old and 6 stone. Karl talks about autism, about a boy who can recall every single detail of EastEnders. Karl says it's not really a disability, more a superpower. Like Rain Man! quips Steve. The lad should be given an encyclopedia. Disabilities have good points as well as bad points, like a "cyclop". Ricky says that Karl has muddles history with mythology.

7. Rockblunders (0:32:04)

A listener emails in about the webcam; all he can see is a bald monkey. Time for Rockbusters, and today's prize which includes Ladder 49. It's a very gay giveaway. Karl gives the clues. Record and Tape Exchange gets a few plugs.

8. Stop the Clocks? (0:37:29)

Ricky blasts Karl for being daft, then tells a story of a monkey in a zoo who had a row with his father and escaped. Karl wanted to know what the argument was about. Karl's head is gone. Steve thinks Karl has got dimmer in 2005, and Ricky thinks Karl might be retarded. Suzanne says Karl should stop watching telly as it makes his brain too active. Karl woke up and asked her, "How do you freeze time?" He also randomly told Ricky "You never see a black ghost".

9. Are They Me Testicles or Me Ankles, Suzanne? (0:42:34)

Time for another mention of the old finger up the arse. Karl says that he would stress about it on the bus. Steve ponders whether female doctors are allowed to do the procedure. Steve thinks Ricky knows too much about these doctors. Karl's frightened that if something is found then more people will have to have a go. Karl eventually accurately remembers how many people are in the world. He appeals for a doctor to phone in but has to read off the new Xfm number. Steve says he wants one to phone as he has a pain in the groin area. Karl says that his testicles dropped while on holiday and that he had problems walking. Ricky tells about his doctor trouble when he was 18, in which his jeans were too tight and were squashing his balls. Karl says that his don't feel like his own. He hints at another encounter with a nudist.

10. Rob Bottom (0:49:12)

Rob, a final year medical student, is on the line. He reassures Karl that the finger is to check the prostate, and sometimes they stick up a tube with a light. Karl thinks this is not necessary. He admits that he is embarrassed by the idea, and doesn't understand how the doctor brings conversation round to the old finger. Rob says that it's the last thing in the checkup, and that he himself has had to do the procedure. Karl wonders who is in the class being tested on, and thinks people should be taught to test themselves. Karl introduces the medical term 'congomblery.' Steve asks if female doctors do this.

11. Porn-Again Chimpian (0:56:13)

Monkey News. There's a monkey called Pascal in a zoo in Toronto, Canada. The zookeepers gave the monkeys a camcorder to play with. Pascal was "a dab hand", really good at the lighting and focussing the shot. He filmed lots of mating monkeys, the zookeepers were impressed. They gave the tapes to monkeys that didn't mate, then suggested that Pascal go to China (or Japan, he's not sure) to film the pandas. Ricky is enraged and gets up, and Karl cuts to a song.

12. CL? TB? TM? It's all BS (1:00:39)

Thunder Road is possibly the greatest rock song of all time. Shout-out to the scientists, who surely enjoyed the show. Rockbusters answers and Gina is the winner. Steve promises more drivel next time.


Karl: It's the way they've also said they've got new pope. He's hardly new, is he.

Karl: She had a go at me the other day... as soon as I woke up I said something like - how can you freeze time?


The fella let his wife know how he got the bruise on his leg. C.L.
That Potter lad has a lot of bottle messin' about with the wizards. What's that about? T.B.
The Buddhists won't be able to get in their temple without these. T.M.


Coldplay - Speed of Sound
AC/DC - Shook Me All Night Long
Ben Folds - Landed
Embrace - A Glorious Day
The Pogues - Rainy Night In Soho
Morrissey - First Of The Gang To Die
Bobby Womack - Across 110th Street
Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc
Antony and the Johnsons - Hope There's Someone
Garbage - Why Do You Love Me
Josh Rouse - It's The Night-time
Bruce Springsteen - Thunder Road

External Links

See Also