The Podfather Part 2 - Thanksgiving
- Disclaimer: This summary is not intended as a substitute or replacement for this podcast or material such as The World of Karl Pilkington, rather it is intended as an archive for reference on its content and information surrounding it.
Released on 25 November 2006, this is the second instalment of The Podfather Trilogy. Ricky, Steve and Karl once again team up with Guardian Unlimited and Positive Internet for this free, one-off special.
1. I Don't Know What That Means. I Don't Know Why We're Doing This. (0:00:00)
Ricky welcomes listeners and wishes them a Happy Thanksgiving. Karl is confused and doesn't know the point of the podcast being on this date. Steve is (kind of) in agreement. Ricky claims it's just an arbitrary date for a podcast that should be easy to remember, but Karl thinks it's not and has never celebrated a Thanksgiving in 30 years. Ricky argues that it's not a celebration; it's just a podcast. Karl is frustrated with Christmas and other holidays because people don't really know what they're about. He just celebrates Christmas because everyone else does. If he had the opportunity, Karl would happily make the 25th of December just a normal day on the calendar. Karl is annoyed because people all take time off at once, and recommends that people celebrate the birth of Christ whenever they want. Steve and Ricky try and explain that, in fact, it's because everyone is off at the same time that it's enjoyable, and that it's supposed to be a time where people are all together. Karl isn't convinced. There are two weeks in between Christmas and New Year that Karl feels is time wasted. Ricky doesn't miss this opportunity to tell Karl what a time waster he is.
2. I Don't Like Fun (0:02:50)
Karl doesn't like fun - well, organised fun. He wonders if there will ever come a time when people get rid of these holidays. Ricky agrees sarcastically. All Karl wants is a change. He won't be doing a diary in 2007 as it's always the same. January. February. Etc. If there were no calenders or diaries then we'd have to do all our work straight away, but because we have those things, it's easy to put things off. Things would be different if Karl were in charge. Ricky is amazed at Karl's theories. Is Karl a philosopher? His theories are so free of constraint and based entirely around freedom of expression that Ricky questions just how mental they really are. Steve doesn't understand the distaste for calendars and order. Someone has already decided what Karl will be doing on Pancake Tuesday. Change it to Thursday, or don't bother. Have 'em when you want.
3. Take a Map And a Cookbook (0:06:14)
Another seasonal greeting from Ricky Gervais, who tries to explain the basic concept of Thanksgiving as new beginnings, as a segue into a question for Karl. He asked Karl which five people he would bring to start a new planet, should this one come to an end. These 5 people would teach and lord over the new world, which has breeder drones already (so repopulating is not the factor to worry about). Karl is confused by the question. Are they on their way to Mars? Ricky explains further, stating that it is just an untouched planet with forests, animals and water, and reiterates the question. Karl starts off by bringing Patrick Moore (an 80 year old astronomer), as he knows his way to this new planet. Ricky and Steve question Karl's choice, asking him how useful Moore is. Karl has always wanted to talk to him anyway, and on a year-long rocket trip would be a good chance. Moore would be up for the trip, because he has always studied the stars but has never been. Next he selects Jamie Oliver (TV chef), as Karl feels food is hugely important and people can feel blue without it. Ricky again questions Karl's choice; he likes Oliver but finds a chef unnecessary when starting a new world. Steve also protests, insisting that someone is needed to lay down new laws, but Karl claims that can't be done on an empty stomach. Karl is still curious about this new world. Ricky again explains that it is simply an untouched version of earth with no industry, no wars, no human contact of any kind, just a "Garden of Eden". Attenborough (naturalist) is next on Karl's list. Again, Ricky is a fan but wouldn't bring Sir David with him to a new world. Karl thinks it would be helpful to have an animal/ecology expert with him so he knows what to expect on this new world. Steve thinks Karl is making a mistake choosing old men like Moore and Attenborough. Karl counters, saying it's better to take someone who's lived a little; plus they're useful. Ricky and Steve think Karl needs to think long-term instead of thinking of it as a camping trip or I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. Karl would next take Paul Danan, because he is thick and would draw attention away from Karl. Finally, Karl needs to take a woman maybe a chef or a nurse. Perhaps Abi Titmuss is available?
4. I Was Still Using Me Eyes Even Though They Were Shut (0:14:25)
Some science news for Karl. Scientists have made blind mice see and are hoping to use this technology on humans in ten years. Ricky is curious about these blind mice. Karl is impressed but would be concerned if he were blind and told it had been tested on mice. Just tell people it was "tested on eyes". Karl doesn't like having his eyes messed with, plus his are more active than most. Karl complains about having leg problems. Ricky and Steve are annoyed by Karl's persistent hypochondria, which may or may not be an excuse for laziness. Karl has been working hard for 30 years. He got on with it at three (but not at school). When Karl kicked his height as a kid he did some real damage to his back. Karl was able to kick his height but was so excited that he managed to do it that he stopped to celebrate and fell on his back. Years later his back still troubles him. Karl has looked at death and realised he needs to look after himself. If he doesn't get the leg looked at, he might not be able to run from danger. Karl has been to see a professional leg rubber who has imparted some wisdom to him. Ricky and Steve remind Karl that the man is a leg rubber, not a doctor. Karl was in pain as the "leg rubber" was moving his legs about causing him to diagnose Karl's nerves as too short for his body. Ricky is fairly sure Karl was being rubbed by a man who owned a laundrette. The mysterious man goes on to explain that Karl's outside of his body is longer than his inside. The rubbing continues (at 48 quid a session, Karl would expect value) and this mysterious rubber asks Karl if he meditates. Karl tells him has trouble relaxing, which leads the "doctor" to believe that Karl's brain is in charge of him instead of Karl being in charge of it. Ricky and Steve are amazed Karl found someone as stupid as him and continue to poke fun at the doctor's "teachings". The man continues to give Karl advice on relaxing. He tells Karl to focus on his toe when he's trying to sleep, but this stressed Karl out more because he was still using his eyes even though they were shut. Ricky and Steve cannot believe their luck - Karl has come out with something more stupid than "is my brain in charge of me or am I in charge of my brain?"
5. Mama Pilkington Is Into The Same Shit (0:26:19)
Steve asks Karl how long he is going to keep doing his diary before reading out some extracts. Karl is going to keep writing it until the end of 2006, but might not do one for 2007. Karl's mam asks him to look for a magazine about UFOs she saw an advert for in one of her ghost magazines. Steve thinks this is an insight into Karl's belief in stuff such as aliens and ghosts. She said the magazine has an article about an astronaut with proof of alien life. Karl informs his mam that the days are longer on Mars by about half an hour. Karl thinks this is why they are more advanced than we are; because their days are longer and over the years it has all added up. When Suzanne came home, Karl started chatting to her about aliens, but she wasn't interested. Karl wakes up the next morning and starts moaning. His face is dry and spotty. It's either the change in water or all the Madeira cake. Karl looks for his mam's magazine but is distracted by some the rude magazines, which he studies fat length and wonders why the men on the cover are less rude then the woman on the straight bloke's magazines. Karl thinks gay blokes can just look at their own knob if they like knobs. Karl hasn't found the UFO magazine.
6. Nevermind Pepys (0:30:35)
Karl notes that Oxfam are "flogging" animals for Africa again and wonders if he can get one sent to his mam for Christmas. Ricky tries to explain that you pay for the animal itself to go to Africa, as opposed to the charity selling the creatures and sending the money to those in need. There is a pub somewhere that is getting stick because it stopped a horse going in. It's been the horse's regular for ages but there has been some new owners and they're serving some fresh fruit and don't want a horse coming in any more. Ricky wants to publish the diary. Karl meets up with Suzanne for another brew in a café. Suzanne noted that Karl was tired and stressed looking. Karl is stressed by noise, and wonders if less deaf people die of stress. There are only so many noises in the world and because there is so much stuff, every noise has been used five times. When something new is invented or a new frog comes out, people describe the noise it makes with reference to an existing noise. Ricky and Steve try and explain what noise is to Karl who realises that he simply cannot properly explain his theory.
7. Good Luck Anyway,'Cause I Never Read The Emails (0:35:33)
Ricky explains what's up for grabs in the competition this time around. The 3-CD set containing the highlights of The Ricky Gervais Show (complete with Monkey News poster), The World of Karl Pilkington book (signed), Flanimals of the Deep as well as the Extras Script Book. Steve got some unusual answers to last month's podcast question but has found a winner. Quiz-master Ricky poses another question: Does someone else wan' 'em? Answers to the usual address.
8. Happy Turkey (0:38:15)
Ricky concludes the show in the usual fashion.
Ricky: I've never seen anyone, on this planet, waste as much time as you. If you're not on holiday, you're following an insect around the fuckin' park, so don't give me that shit.
Karl: I don't like fun.
Ricky: I don't think we need Jamie Oliver.
Karl: What chef would you pick?
Karl: What sort of state is this world in?
Ricky: Oh!.. he's gonna take a fucking gardener.
Steve: But, you've got two men so far that have got a combined age of 150, if you're starting a new world, dare I say it, they're not going to be around very long.
Ricky: God! He's in and out of the kidney hospital, and they're saying "there's no kidney stone Mr. Pilkington" and now he goes and gets his "legs rubbed" once a week, Christ almighty, do some fucking work!
Ricky: You're- what are you?
Karl: Thirty... thirty-three.
Ricky: Right, sorry to start off with such a hard question.
Karl: So, I was telling [the leg rubber] about my kidney stones...
Ricky: And he went "God, shut the fuck up".
Karl: If I say, "send it to London" they're not bothered, it's less hassle..
Ricky: Karl! Of course they are! You can't buy an alpaca for 20 quid! Plus postage and packaging, they're big bastards!
Karl:I was still using my eyes even though I had 'em shut.
Ricky: What's the wisdom he's going to come up with next week? That'll be brilliant. "Your blood's paranoid." "You've got jealous bones." "You're the sort of person whose stomach's hungrier than you."... "You're the sort of person whose eyes can see further than you can."
Episode available for purchase via iTunes.
Do not inquire about free downloads.
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