The Podfather Part 3 - Christmas
- Disclaimer: This summary is not intended as a substitute or replacement for this podcast or material such as The World of Karl Pilkington, rather it is intended as an archive for reference on its content and information surrounding it.
Released on 25 December 2006, this is the final installment of The Podfather Trilogy. Ricky, Steve and Karl once again team up with Guardian Unlimited and Positive Internet for this free, one-off special.
1. Yesterday's Cockroach (0:00:00)
Ricky welcomes listeners for the final time. Steve is curious as to whether or not Ricky wants to carry on with the podcast or if it's time to finally put to rest, the phenomenon they started roughly one year ago. As always, Ricky isn't too quick to dismiss the idea of returning to the studio in the future but does think it's time for a little extended break. It's been "The Year of the Podcast" but it's also been a pretty weird year (according to Karl). Steve wonders what Karl's highlight is. As usual, Karl has no interest in international or world news but was quite struck when he noticed a grub on his windowsill eating a bit of biscuit. Whilst Karl was working on his computer, enjoying a carefully planned cup of tea and a biscuit, he noticed that a little see-through insect had stolen a crumb and returned to his hole in the wall with it. Karl is once again, curious about how much the world is changing. This proves Karl's point, this year he has gone out of his way to learn more about weird stuff that is going on in the world. Ricky thinks that it's not really learning because Karl doesn't know what the insect is, why it took the biscuit and subsequently he made a up story in his head about it "enjoying" the biscuit. Karl is simply amazed that insects' lives have changed so little in millions of years but humans' presence on Earth has forced change upon them. So now, we may have fat insects because they are eating our biscuit crumbs. It affects other animals too, squirrels have become increasingly vicious because they have been fed Mars bars. It is even effecting humans. We are now trying increasingly bizarre and outlandish foods. Goldfish's memory has improved, chickens are smarter, time changes things and makes people smarter. Karl sees a cockroach playing Pac-Man. Ricky and Steve are unimpressed because Pac-Man is so old.
2. Fill 'Em With Water (0:07:07)
Steve has been Christmas shopping, just stocking up on the essentials. He decided to purchase some condoms as you never know what might happen during the Christmas party season. In Steve's local supermarket the condoms are contained in a plastic cage which makes it all the more embarrassing when purchasing them. Steve attempted to open it to inspect the products but was told he would have to go to the checkout with them. Steve is still embarrassed about buying things such as condoms as it's obvious what you're "up to". All the worse if you're served by woman.
3. You're Not Forced An Egg (0:08:50)
This situation reminded Steve of a classic story from the show, when Karl bought Suzanne a large box of condoms for Christmas. He's curious if Karl has improved on his gift ideas since. Karl hasn't. As time goes on couples don't buy each other that much when it comes to things like Christmas. Ricky is shocked as that means the condoms may have been one of the better gifts Suzanne got in the 10 years she and Karl have been going out. Karl explains that it gets more difficult as time goes on because you have to better yourself each year. Without sounding overly mean or critical, Steve mentions that judging by Karl's stories and diary entries there is more or less, no romanticism in his relationship with Suzanne. Suzanne will frequently ask for a night out and Karl writes about it like its a massive chore. Karl claims that (like Christmas) he hates the organized nature of nights out and other social occasions. He'd rather impulsively surprise Suzanne with a night out but Steve argues that he doesn't do that either. Karl thinks that you wont get anything done by planning. Maybe Karl wont be in the mood for Christmas. Its a world of freedom or something. Christmas is an upheaval. Steve and Ricky are once again stunned that Karl is annoyed that he is missing out on life during the holidays and ask just what it is he does with his time. It appears that his day to day life is made up of going for a brew in a cafe and visiting his Mam and Dad. Karl does nothing of any worth so Steve can't comprehend why he dislikes the holiday season so much. Karl doesn't mind Easter, just because it comes and goes without any hassle and you can be as involved or not involved as you see fit. Karl again claims that planning everything will eventually mean you don't bother doing it. Karl is surprised with a holiday by Suzanne. Steve recommends he do something similar for her but he wont because he reckons he'll do it wrong. Karl has out-grown his sink and the washing up is a pain to do. Karl hasn't got that much food in his flat because he doesn't know what he's going to want to eat.
4. Colouring Me 'Ead In (0:15:35)
Ricky expresses some frustration at Karl's lack of effort in promoting the book. He made an appearance on BBC 2's The Culture Show but looked like a "frightened frog". Also "his head looked fuckin' round." Karl didn't enjoy the experience and wont be doing it again. When Steve was in France, a Briton agreed with Ricky and Steve's opinion of Karl's head. Karl was embarrassed on the set of the show because the make up woman was colouring his head in. Ricky wants Karl to be so famous that it gets him hassle in the street and encourages fans to do a viral campaign.
5. Carrier Ties (0:18:45)
Diary time. This will be the last diary reading as Karl may or may not do another one. Karl read in the news about people being injured trying to open avocados, which he thinks isn't worth it. Karl has avoided Doc Marten shoes because time spent untying shoe laces is time wasted. Karl thinks Velcro is best. Ricky and Steve want Karl to be sponsored by Velcro so he can have a little Velcro toupee. Karl mentions an idea that's out there at the moment; people using ties as carrier bags. Ricky thinks it wont catch on because ties are meant to look classy and not to carry things. Karl thinks its a good idea because people will wear ties to carry stuff but at the same time they will look smarter. Ricky thinks this isn't the case as when a tie means people are crawling around on all fours because their shopping is around their neck, it won't be a symbol of smartness anymore.
6. Catching Up on the Olds (0:23:25)
Karl thinks news is less sad if you read it a few days after it is first released. There was a story about a weather man who was fired because he had a nude picture of himself on the internet, but this was two days ago so he has more than likely found a new job by now. Ricky explains the notion of "news" to Karl and that if it was old they couldn't call it "news" anymore. Karl thinks this is irrelevant and as long as you learn something new it doesn't matter when it happened. If a relative dies but you're not told at the same time as everyone else, it will be less depressing because when you find out the rest of the family will have made peace with it and won't be walking around being depressed. Ricky picks holes in Karl's theory, but Karl defends them saying that you become more depressed if you're around depressed people. Karl dislikes sirens because they're scary and thinks they should be replaced by a voice or something like a chicken noise.
7. Filling the Worry Hole with Worries (0:26:50)
Karl is going to his Mam and Dad's for the weekend (Steve skips several pages). The old woman next door (who's Mam was a witch) is concerned about the advent of digital TV as she doesn't want wires drilled into her wall. Karl's Dad assures her that she will be long dead before that happens. Karl and Suzanne had issues sleeping because Karl's Dad cut a few inches off the bed. Ricky and Steve are amazed. Karl remembers some other mattress problems he's had. In his first apartment he bought with Suzanne he bought a bed that didn't come with a mattress. Karl got one off Uncle Alf, who didn't need it as he sleeps in a dinghy. The mattress stunk of diesel from Alf's van. The mad woman on next door saw Karl and said "hello Clive." Ricky and Steve don't know what else to expect from Karl's diary, his neighbourhood is so bizarre it could feature in a children's book. The old fella who lives down the road keeps bees in his back garden. He also had a dog that was attacked by the bees. Karl doesn't understand why he keeps the bees. He doesn't have enough bees to make commercial amounts of honey so it's pointless.
8. Bilateral Symmetry? (0:33:55)
The news covered a story about a fish from millions of years ago. Also on the news it said that in the future women will have three breasts. On top of that, people are going to be so ugly that no one will have sex and humans will die out. Karl watched a documentary about twins who are mental and do everything the same. A friend of Karl's fantasizes of having sex with twins. Karl disagrees. If you're going to have a change, have a change. For example, Karl thinks the bloke who broke up with a girl and married her twin sister went through a load of hassle for no real benefit. Karl watched the final of "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here." The show has come full circle as when the podcast started Karl became an internet phenomenon when he coined the phrase "I could eat a knob at night." Ricky and Karl couldn't eat anything on that show. Steve wouldn't mind it but the campsite would drive him mad. Ricky would also hate the campsite and eating weird creatures would be out of the question. If Karl was offered an animals anus he'd be curious to find out where the rest of it was and would rather starve than eat it.
9. Don't Cry It's Christmas (0:39:42)
Ricky says goodbye for the last time in 2006 and announces the winner of the competition (complete with a quick plug for all the available merchandise). The gang wish the listeners a happy New Year. Ricky is on his way to the orphanage to do some more charity work for the terminally ill kids. The kids have seen The Office and so Ricky has written a song for them, this festive season. Steve urges Ricky not to sing the song, as it contains some offensive lyrics.
Karl: [Squirrels] aren't happy with acorns anymore, they want a bit of croissant.
Karl: You don't normally see a fat beetle... But now that's gonna happen because they're eating sugary stuff.
Karl: I saw a cockroach playing Pacman.
Karl: ...and they were obviously all like 'Oh, we've got biscuit!'
Karl: She didn't know she was getting [those condoms]
Ricky: 'Course she didn't!
Karl: You won't get anything done by planning.
Karl: News is just something you don't know.
Ricky: That's everything to you.
Karl: Everyone's got to fill that worry hole with worried.
Karl: You wouldn't think [a mattress is a carefully designed object] would you?
Steve: You would if you had a fucking brain in your nut!
Steve: I thought it might be worth getting some condoms because it's Christmas party season... and you never know when you're gonna run out of balloons.
Steve: Uncle Alf sadly passed away when he couldn't escape his sinking ship.
Karl: [On I'm a Celebrity] We're meant to be working as a team, yet I'm being handed an anus? Let me starve.
Episode available for purchase via iTunes.
Do not inquire about free downloads.
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