29 March 2003

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Xfm Series 2
August 2002 - August 2003
List of episodes


  1. 24 August 2002 (Transcript)
  2. 31 August 2002 (Transcript)
  3. 07 September 2002 (Transcript)
  4. 14 September 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  5. 21 September 2002 (Transcript)
  6. 28 September 2002 (Transcript)
  7. 05 October 2002 (Transcript)
  8. 12 October 2002 (Transcript)
  9. 19 October 2002 (Transcript)
  10. 26 October 2002 (Transcript)
  11. 02 November 2002 (Transcript)
  12. 09 November 2002 (Transcript)
  13. 16 November 2002 (Transcript)
  14. 23 November 2002 (Transcript)
  15. 30 November 2002 (Transcript)
  16. 07 December 2002 (Transcript)
  17. 14 December 2002 (Transcript)
  18. 21 December 2002 (Transcript)
  19. 28 December 2002 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  20. 04 January 2003 (Transcript)
  21. 11 January 2003 (Transcript)
  22. 18 January 2003 (Transcript)
  23. 25 January 2003 (Transcript)
  24. 01 February 2003 (Transcript)
  25. 08 February 2003 (Transcript)
  26. 15 February 2003 (Transcript)
  27. 22 February 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  28. 01 March 2003 (Transcript) ('Best of')
  29. 08 March 2003 (Transcript)
  30. 15 March 2003 (Transcript)
  31. 22 March 2003 (Transcript)
  32. 29 March 2003 (Transcript)
  33. 05 April 2003 (Transcript)
  34. 12 April 2003 (Transcript)
  35. 19 April 2003 (Transcript)
  36. 26 April 2003 (Transcript)
  37. 03 May 2003 (Transcript)
  38. 10 May 2003 (Transcript)
  39. 17 May 2003 (Transcript)
  40. 31 May 2003 (Transcript)
  41. 07 June 2003 (Transcript)
  42. 14 June 2003 (Transcript)
  43. 21 June 2003 (Transcript)
  44. 28 June 2003
  45. 05 July 2003
  46. 12 July 2003
  47. 19 July 2003
  48. 26 July 2003
  49. 02 August 2003
  50. 09 August 2003
  51. 16 August 2003

An epic episode where we get a classic Songs of Phrase, two features on monkeys, and some cheeky freaks from Karl. Ricky and Steve provide some commentary on Chinatown and DJing.

Track Listing

For a partial transcript of this episode see 29 March 2003/Transcript.

1. That's Safe, You're Going Home with That (0:00:00)

Ricky dares the audience to listen, or they can take what they've got now. Defaulting to Karl doesn't help. On deck: Monkey News, Cheap as Chimps, some great music, an amusing sketch about a fly..(What?) and the girls from Mystique. Ricky plays the song he used to pose like a motherf... it's Street Life by Roxy Music. Steve preferred Black Lace's Superman.

2. My Auntie Had Wind for Five Minutes (0:02:28)

Ricky recalls the outfit he would have worn while posing to music, which included a shirt with women in a bikini eating bananas. When combined with a leather jacket, it made him look like quite the man. Steve has Ricky recite the story about his "Bullshit" sweatshirts. Ricky also remembers the time he took a bath with all this white shirts and Daz to kill two birds with one stone. Karl is provoked for thoughts, but is just trying to work out how to cram in all the features, including Songs of Phrase, Cheeky Freak of the Week, and Karl in a Film. A listener suggests other Songs of Phrase including "Karl.. I don't know where to start." and "Karl which bit of that do you think is true?". The phrase this week is "my auntie had wind for five minutes" a throw back to the time that Karl's Auntie Nora passed gas for five minutes straight. Ricky is laughing and loving it. Steve lists the competition prizes, which includes Series 1 and 2 of Bread which prompts Ricky to sing the theme song.

3. Welcome to Chinatown (0:09:59)

E-mails are weak for Songs of Phrase, but Karl hypothesises it's because of the website. Steve begins an anecdote about walking through Chinatown. He believes it's more of a novelty street, and not so much a town. Ricky and Steve roleplay debating the merits of Chinatown. Steve had imagined it with gongs, rickshaws, and little wooden shoes but it's actually more like a cheap museum ride. Ricky then tries to rationalise "traditional" Chinese music. Karl chimes in with his Chinatown pet peeves. He doesn't think there should be so many Chinese restaurants because there is too much selection. He also doesn't like the dead ducks hanging in the window, because usually you put your best stuff in the window. Plus, there's always lard in the streets (hence the little wooden shoes). Karl replays Songs of Phrase because he's getting annoyed that no one can get it.

4. And You Stitched Him Up On Radio (0:15:30)

Steve apologises for his comment about little Chinese shoes, which spurs a discussion about complaints. Ricky talks about the time he received about a complaint for telling a story about a man who used bacon and a dog for sexual reasons. Karl doesn't think it's that bad. Ricky says the two highest number of complaints received for a broadcast were the showing of the Last Temptation of Christ and when Anne Robinson slagged off the Welsh. Karl doesn't see what's wrong with insulting Wales because it's not an uplifting place. Karl cites his father nicking food from the telephone box as an example of the Welsh lifestyle. Ricky is shocked. Karl realizes what he just said but justifies it by saying that they haven't got Sky yet.

5. Havin' It Away on Film (0:20:51)

Ricky addresses the listener about the posters advertising the show. He thinks Karl should be in the poster as well because that's who the listeners tune in for. Karl puts up a weak argument against him being on the poster. If he was on the poster, there'd be too much to take in. Steve likens it to Ringo being left out of the Beatles, Ricky thinks it's like Rutherford and Genesis. Steve tells Karl a lot of listeners think he's fat. Karl then uses a strange circular logic to close the case. Karl is baffled by footage of himself that Ricky shot in the studio, though he would be more confident if stood next to Steve. Ricky brings up the Last Temptation of Christ again. Steve explains complaints were given because of the depiction of Jesus having it away. This compels Karl to ponder over sex in films. He recalls when growing up how his father would leave the room when a sex scene happened. His father still doesn't like sex scenes today. Steve says that most films have their sex scene warranted, unless it's a film like Illegal Briefs. Steve rants against a faulty IMDb. Karl's curiosity brings it back to the Temptation and how to avoid getting complaints for it. Karl cites Meet Meet Meet Joe Black as an example of his parents avoiding sex scenes. Steve theorises that it's them trying to prevent Karl from learning about procreation. Karl says the other predictable thing about his mom (aside turning the channel during sex scenes) is saying Elvis likes fat ugly people whenever he is on the telly. Steve and Ricky are bamboozled at the alternate universe the Pilkingtons are living in. Karl stops the link.

6. That's Been Put to Bed (0:32:56)

The listeners agree that Karl should be on the poster. One e-mail likens him to Charlie Brown. Karl launches into another argument saying that after people have seen him there's nowhere else to go from there. Karl announces the answers to Songs of Phrase. Steve incorrectly says Karl got the numbers confused in his own brain.

7. Yep, Alright? Monkey's Gone Mad Again (0:37:09)

Time for ppprrwww Monkey News, zzzzzsssoo Monkey Monkey News. Today's monkey is Koko. He speaks, highly educated, photographer, and also likes going on computer chat rooms. Steve brings up the infinite monkey theorem again, and Karl reckons that this one would be too busy to type. Karl would love to have a little monkey. Ricky tries to explain things to Karl in vain. Karl references Stephen Hawking and believes he's smart because he has the time to learn because he's a little fella in a wheelchair who had a bad illness and out of boredom found out he liked reading and stuff.

8. Where Does the Cheap as Chimps Element Come In? (0:42:19)

Ricky requests Karl do Cheap as Chimps. For this week Karl has looked online at prices of various animals and Ricky and Steve have to guess how much they were. Karl doesn't want to give away the website name because of the immorality about it.

  • Camel - $8,000
  • Sloth - $3,000
  • Bengal Tiger - $1,800
  • Chimp - $55,000

Mad innit? Karl wants to axe the feature because apparently chimps aren't so cheap. Karl cuts the link.

9. Useful Patter (0:45:38)

Ricky remembers his days as a DJ in a pub and starts a rant against wedding reception DJ patter. It should be more useful: "Would the overweight aunt please in the purple dress please take the floor with the little unfortunate kid..." and "Will the 45 year old woman recently divorced, please cry now." Steve goes into the rules of DJing, saying "Oh What a Night" should be saved and talking buffet dynamics. Karl brings up his days in Pilkie's Makin Music and how Colin would flick the lights on and off in beat to the music. Karl then tells a story about his friend DJing and how the police had to come in and have everyone sit down, except for the kid in the calipers. Steve comes back with the time he played for some scouts and they went out of control. Ricky is suddenly baffled by the concept of a Bar Mitzvah.

10. Cheeky Freaks (0:53:55)

Ricky makes a run through of all the people they've offended over the course of the show. Karl doesn't think they have time for the film thing, so Cheeky Freak of the Week is done instead. Karl likes freaks when what you hear is what you get (e.g. Elephant Man, Hairy Chinese Kid). The subject matter turns over to obese people. Karl tells about a German man who needed the firefighters to bring in the hoses to save him after he fell over. But the actual Cheeky Freak of the Week is a fella with 27 toes and fingers. Ricky and Steve speculates on what his job could be. Karl gives some pros and cons to being the Elephant Man. Ricky goads Karl into telling about the Elephant Woman from Manchester (aka Spudhead) from his childhood.


Ricky: Oooooooooh! You can't give away that mouse mat! It's a piece of foam!

Ricky: Buy it, sell it. The game's getting hard. Because someone's dealing you a losing card.

Ricky: Welcome to, krrrrrrrrrww!
Ricky and Steve: Chinatown!

Karl: It's just like everyday is Sunday. Do you know what I mean? It's just depressing and grey..
Ricky: Lots of vicars running around going 'I'm late'.

Ricky: But what are we talking about, sex scenes? Are we talking about kissing or are we talking about penetration and looking at the camera, going 'You enjoying this Pilkingtons?'

Karl: So what if you just cut it down a bit and you saw the little stable doors closing?

Ricky: Hold on. I don't know what we're doing now with our lives, Steve.

Karl: For any new listeners, this is where we do a bit of monkey news.

Ricky: We've got a sound to light system. What his name? Colin.

Steve: Sorry, so where does the Cheap As Chimps element come in? Aren't you supposed to shout "It's Cheap As Chimps!" at the end?
Karl: Well, it isn't, that's why I want to finish the feature.

Songs of Phrase

My Auntie Had Wind For Five Minutes

The Knack - "My Sharona" (M-m-m-my)
Mansun - "Anti-Everything" (auntie)
Bill Medley & Jennifer Warnes - "I've Had The Time Of My Life" (had)
Bob Dylan - "Blowin' In The Wind" (wind)
Tom Robinson Band- "2 4 6 8 Motorway" (for)
Manfred Mann - "5 4 3 2 1" (five)
Five Star - "Can't Wait Another Minute" (minutes.)


Placebo - The Bitter End
Roxy Music - Street Life
The Verve - Lucky Man
Electronic - Getting Away With It
The Streets - Has It Come to This
Feeder - Forget About Tomorrow
Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers - Breakdown
Turin Brakes - Painkiller
T.Rex - 20th Century Boy
Athlete - El Salvador
The Red Hot Chili Peppers - Can't Stop
The Cure - A Forest
LL Cool J - Momma Said Knock You Out

External Links

Series 0   |   Series 1   |   Series 2   |   Series 3   |   Series 4
Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Song For The Ladies | Song For The Lovers
Hip-Hop Hooray | Cheap as Chimps | White Van Karl | Songs of Phrase
Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...