Series 1 Episode 3

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Disclaimer: This summary is not intended as a substitute or replacement for this podcast or material such as The World of Karl Pilkington, rather it is intended as an archive for reference on its content and information surrounding it.

Podcast Series 1
December 2005 - February 2006
List of episodes


  1. Series 1 Episode 1 - 5 December 2005
  2. Series 1 Episode 2 - 12 December 2005
  3. Series 1 Episode 3 - 19 December 2005
  4. Series 1 Episode 4 - 26 December 2005
  5. Series 1 Episode 5 - 2 January 2006
  6. Series 1 Episode 6 - 9 January 2006
  7. Series 1 Episode 7 - 16 January 2006
  8. Series 1 Episode 8 - 23 January 2006
  9. Series 1 Episode 9 - 30 January 2006
  10. Series 1 Episode 10 - 6 February 2006
  11. Series 1 Episode 11 - 13 February 2006
  12. Series 1 Episode 12 - 20 February 2006

This episode features a double dose of monkey-related features and a probing into Karl's thoughts on nature, evolution and reproduction.

Track Listing

1. Fuck me! (0:00)

Steve tries to get some intros going but Ricky and Karl can't manage to get it right.

2. Chimp Mauling (0:23)

The jingle plays and Ricky welcomes the listener. Steve begins to read out some news regarding monkeys (not to take away from the Monkey News that is later in the show). The stories headline is "Chimp Mauling Under Investigation". Two chimps attacked a man specifically targeting his nose, genitals and limbs. The chimps were shot dead by authorities. Ricky and Karl question Steve on the event, who eventually becomes flustered. Karl brings up pandas and St George in defence of the chimps, which makes no sense to anyone. Ricky makes a more coherent case for the chimps. Karl thinks since the chimps were raised in a sanctuary they were bad off in the first place.

3. Knob at Night (5:35)

Ricky brings up Jilly Goolden who on the reality show, I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, ate a kangaroo penis. Ricky turns the attention on Karl and his views on the issue. Karl admits it is hard eating a knob, but it could be easier if it was consumed later in the day. This leads Karl to say the infamous "knob at night" quote that was put into papers and helped further establish the podcast. Ricky instructs listeners to remix the quote to a funky house beat. Ricky then goes on a short rant about eating knobs and reality shows, which also made for remix fodder.

4. Mrs Miyagi (8:35)

Karl moves on to Attenborough, and wonders if he's ever killed a fly. Rick and Steve don't understand what the question is, so Karl explains how his mother never killed flies in the house but rather caught them and put them outside. Ricky compares her to Mr Miyagi.

5. Monkey Feels a Right Tit (9:20)

Ricky does the jingle, and Karl begins Monkey News at once. This news story is about a monkey sanctuary where monkeys go if they don't like the zoo. One of the chimps wanted to "mess about with the woman's breasts" that worked there. She wasn't having it, but her boss told her to carry on despite the harassment. Rick denies any truth to the story, but Karl insists it's true and says he'll post the article. In the end the woman was sacked.

6. We All Get On (12:31)

Karl brings up his Apple Pip Reproduction Theory from Episode 1 again, but this time has modified it. Before getting into it, Karl defends his absurd viewpoints by noting a wasp which has to find a specific spider to lay its eggs in. Karl believes since Attenborough mentioned it, Ricky and Steve believe it, but if he had told it to them, they wouldn't be having it. Unfortunately, Karl is not well tuned into the theory of evolution, and wonders at what point a wasp is going to have a chat with a spider. Ricky attempts to clarify behaviour vs. instinct by bringing up a Platyhelminth parasite that has to change a stickleback's behavior so the fish is eaten by a heron, so the parasite can continue it's life cycle in the bird. Karl tries to summarise Ricky's story he just told, but it comes out as something about a flea trying to find shade. Ricky is amazed at this "filter" Karl has put his story through and makes an audio interpretation of it.

7. What's Your Theory? (20:00)

Karl finally makes his point. Rather than a new baby being born upon death, the life cycle would reverse at a certain age, and the person would start becoming a baby over time, dying at nine months old. This would be performed by injection into the temple at the moment of death. Ricky is convinced Karl is mad. Karl believes this would alleviate some of the grief that comes with death.. but.. leave it as it is, shall we?

8. Get the Troops Out (24:26)

Steve begins a story about seeing a teenage with a shirt that says "Fuck the Gap" (a take on "Mind the Gap"). Ricky and Steve recall other teenage irreverence. Ricky had a t-shirt that read "Bullshit". Steve remembers seeing a guy riding a three wheeled bike, wearing a jester's cap, blowing a horn for the Iraq war protest. A roleplay of the White House's reaction to this is done. Another protester had a bag decked out in anti-war slogans, but Steve rationalised if she put all the effort into making the bag into stopping the war it might have worked better. Karl never had a period of irreverence or displayed opinion like this because he doesn't like people knowing what he's thinking. He doesn't even like people seeing his shopping (e.g. ironing boards, toilet paper).

9. Wrap-Up (30:20)

Holiday cheer is wished and the show ends.


Ricky: Aih aih You go for the nose. Aih aih. I'll go for his bollocks.

Karl: 'Alright Karl, eat the knob.' 'Ang on a minute. Give us a few hours. Let me get some rice and that in me belly. And just sort of fill me up a little bit more, I'll pop back around half six in the evening, 'ave it ready'...
Ricky: So what are you saying?
Karl: I'm saying like.. I could eat.. I could eat a knob at night. But...
Ricky: Just cut that there.

Karl: 'Alright. Pack it in. We've all had a bit of fun.'

Ricky: 'If the chimp wants to play with your tits, love, let the chimp play with your tits.'

Ricky: 'C'mon Rita, if monkey wants play wi' nipples let 'im'

Karl: You don't just jump on the back of the women and go 'There ya go love'. And the baby pops out.
Steve: You do if you come from Bristol.

Steve: Screw penicillin.


  • Ricky's "Bullshit" apparel was previously mentioned on 13 December 2003.
  • Ricky and Steve role-played the "three wheeled bike rider with the jester's cap" earlier in a pre-recorded link during the 22 February 2003 show.
  • In "Chimp Mauling," Steve studiously avoids repetition of any word for testicles. After reading the original article, which mentions "genitals," he comes up with "gonads," "balls," "teste-happy" (as in testes), and "private parts." (Ricky contributes "bollocks," but he repeats it soon after and clearly isn't playing.)

External Links


Episode available for purchase via iTunes or Amazon (via The Pilkipedia Shop)
Do not inquire about free downloads.

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Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
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