BBC Radio 2 Show - 24 December 2005
1. A Whole New Audience (0:00:00)
Introductions all around; Ricky and Steve are amazed that Karl will be new to some people. To help explain the man, Ricky explains that Karl's favourite film is The Elephant Man and why. Steve is a goggle-eyed freak - does Karl remember the first time he met him?
2. I Feel Like a Stepfather (0:02:31)
This will be the last time Ricky mentions Jonathan Ross, and intends to shave millions of listeners off his audience. Check out RickyGervais.com for pics of Karl, looking like Mr Spoon, Bod, or Charlie Brown. Karl turns the attention towards Steve's looks instead.
3. Karl the Cat (0:05:55)
Ricky wants to talk about the big-headed lads at Karl's school who didn't hang out together. Did they live near a power plant? Karl has another go at Steve and Steve comes back with an email about Karl being the missing link. When Steve goes back to Bristol, is it a bit of a shock to his friends and family?
4. What's the Newest Thing You've Got In Here? (0:08:44)
Ricky's mum was always relieved when Christmas was over. What marks the end of Christmas? Ricky and Karl went shopping at a posh antique shop in St James's, the whole experience of which dumbfounded Karl. Karl asks input about whether it's OK to give Suzanne a camera he got as a leaving gift from Xfm. Ricky and Steve are upset to the point of anger about this. They make him tell the listeners what Karl got her for Christmas last year, the infamous condoms.
5. I've Had Bad Experiences in the Past (0:14:04)
The producer wants them to give out the web address in case anyone wants to listen again, which amuses Ricky and Steve to no end. More Karl and the Camera chat, and Ricky and Steve reads out listener input, all of whom are opposed to Karl giving Suzanne the camera. What if they took pictures of their genitals, or put a note in the box? Karl recounts the Victoria Plum story.
6. No Association with Blockbusters (0:19:21)
It's competition time, and the prize is a framed platinum Madonna disc and a copy of Extras and Flanimals. A listener has bought his wife a silver necklace and had it put in a box that says 'white gold'. Karl explains Rockbusters for the new audience and cites the classic Whitney Houston example.
7. Bob Holness, Eat Your Heart Out! (0:24:17)
Karl gives out the Rockbusters clues.
8. 88 to 91 FM (0:27:33)
Some proper Radio 2 schtick with an intro to the next link and the news.
9. The Time to Talk About Jesus (0:27:58)
Karl gives out the Rockbusters clues once again and the winner himself calls this "the worst quiz ever". Karl is nervous about talking about Christmas and Steve recounts the time he and his sister were arguing about religion, only to have Mrs Merchant put a stop to it.
10. The Gift of Karl (0:31:46)
Ricky and Steve would like to see Karl bottled or pickled in a jar. Let's remember the Wise Men - what would you have gotten the baby Jesus? A Wise Men role play follows. Karl wonders if the gifts were for Christmas or Jesus' birthday.
11. Karl's Little Thought (0:34:17)
There's lots of festive food in the Radio 2 studio. Karl's been listening to the station to prepare, and recounts how Wogan does 'Thought of the Day' which Karl wants to carry on. He inadvertently insults vicars and shows some naivety about their lives. Write or text in with questions for Karl. Ricky tells the listeners about Karl's "man moth" mistake.
12. You Must Be the Richest Man in Bristol (0:38:34)
A vicar emails in, and actually swears in his note. Steve talks about the reversible jacket his father got for Christmas. Karl picked up a catalogue for an old woman who lives next to his mam and dad and she still talks about it. This is the woman whose mam's a witch, and Ricky, Steve and Karl remember the other people from Karl's estate, including the family with the horse in their house.
13. Made in the Image of Bod (0:45:04)
Another vicar has emailed in. Does Karl go against Creationism or for it? Ricky asks the vicar listeners if Karl can go and give a short sermon at their church. Listeners have sent in questions for Karl, including someone asking him to prove they are live on air, which Karl can't quite do. Karl's Mam's budgie died last night. Where would they go if they had a time machine? Ricky recounts the old advert about a man who believes he was a cow at the birth of Jesus. If he went back in time, Karl would take a gun to ancient Rome and shoot one of them tigers in the 'ead.
14. Handing Them Out with His Hands and His Feet an' That(0:52:40)
The C. of E. Communications Director has written in and wants Karl to do a sermon in Manchester. Karl doesn't want to because he went once as a kid, when his mate Jamie made him go because he swore. Karl has a Christmas Monkey News about a monkey Santa Claus.
Rev. Gwynne Owen (Stockwood, via email): When I'm tired of being a vicar and working one day a week, maybe I'll become a DJ and do bugger-all all week.
Karl: Is (God) the one who decided that, you know, we should move out of the water and walk on land? Did he decide that, or once he made the little egg, did he sort of go "run free"?
Ricky: (laughing) That's amazing.
You know that little information card you put in your mobile? Put that on a spider's house. S.W.
Diana Ross isn't feeling that good. I.D.
That stuff that I put on my toast doesn't taste sharp enough. J.B.
John Lennon and Yoko Ono - Happy Christmas (War is Over)
Bruce Springsteen - Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Madonna - Hung Up
Simon and Garfunkel - April Come She Will
The Pretenders - 2000 Miles
Aztec Camera - Walk Out to Winter
Frank Sinatra - Let Me Try Again
The Ronettes - Sleigh Ride
T. Rex - Christmas Bop
Coldplay - Talk
Seth Lakeman - Fight for Favour
The Pogues feat. Kirsty McCall - Fairytale of New York
Stevie Wonder - I Wish
The Jayhawks - Bad Time
SLADE - Merry Xmas Everybody
Joni Mitchell - The River