07 June 1998

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Xfm Series 0
January 1998 - August 1998
List of episodes


  1. 31 May 1998 (Transcript)
  2. 07 June 1998 (Transcript)
  3. Tape 1 Side A (Transcript)
  4. Tape 1 Side B (Transcript)
  5. Tape 2 Side A (Transcript)
  6. Tape 2 Side B (Transcript)
  7. Tape 3 Side A (Transcript)
  8. Tape 3 Side B (Transcript)
  9. Tape 4 (Transcript)
  10. The Best of the Rest (Transcript)

Ricky promises no more swearing or profanity in this show after his mother told him off for swearing last week. Steve mocks Ricky's mum, discusses the "perfect murder" and the duo give away wrist bands to see Embrace at HMV.

Track Listing

For a full transcript of this episode see 07 June 1998/Transcript.

1. Kicking Off With This Little Ditty (0:00:00)

Ricky briefly introduces the show and gives a flavour of the upcoming playlist.

2. A Lovely Berkshire Accent (0:00:20)

Steve mentions his mobile disco briefly, before Ricky segues into talking about reducing the swearing on the show after a warning - not from the station bosses, not from the radio authority, but from his mum who he called in the week. He plays a recording of this conversation, in which she complains about the swearing before Ricky winds her up with false accounts of his upbringing. It is her 73rd birthday. Mrs Gervais implores Ricky to get Steve to stop calling him 'Gervais', insisting his correct 'handle' is Ricky, or at the least for him to pronounce Gervais properly (Jer-vay).

3. I'm In The Land Of The Brain Bottles (0:03:00)

Steve winds Ricky up about the surname pronounciation and about his mum using the word 'handle'. Mrs Gervais had been into CB radio and was a member of a housewife gang called the Back Yardies along with one of the neighbours "nicknamed" Lil Chill (as her first name was actually Lil and had married a 'Mr. Chill').

4. How Do You Explain That Physique? (0:04:15)

Ricky and his mum discuss Gary Crowley, his mum feigns awareness of this particular DJ, they talk about pronounciation some more and Ricky makes further scandalous claims about his mother. She records an ident, and bids him farewell. Steve mocks Ricky's fear of his mum, and worries that a lack of swearing may compromise the quality of the show.

5. They’re West Country (0:07:00)

Ricky’s mum reminds Steve of his own grandparents. His granddad calls his wife Joan even though her name is Irene. He calls her that because when they first met she gave him a false name because “You could never be too sure.” She only told him her real name 8 days before they got married.

6. Xfm 104.7? (0:09:30)

Steve struggles to give the details about the Embrace wristbands they’re giving away. Ricky mentions the bloke with a review show after theirs; he thinks his name is Lawrie Halibut. He plays one of his links from the previous week where he gets the station wrong and calls it 104.7. Ricky then sings some jingles of other radio stations.

7. Big Block Of Ice (0:13:30)

They discuss Steve's idea of using an ice arrow as a murder weapon. He believes it is the perfect murder because the murder weapon would melt and you would be safe. Ricky thinks it's a crap idea and points out all the ways it won’t work. So they solicit suggestions from the listeners. They offer a pair of Embrace wristbands in return for the best entry.

8. Tell Her You're Gay, Ray (0:17:50)

Ricky's been listening to Capital, which plays the hits from the '70s, '80s and now. Following on from the bullying by Hanson, another musician has been picking on Ricky - Paul Simon has been nicking his ideas. Ricky wrote a song called 'Lots of Ways to Leave a Lover,' which Simon changed to '50 Ways to Leave Your Lover' with very similar lyrics, but Simon's made it a bit snappier and sold millions of copies of it. They brainstorm some new lyrics.

9. The Biscuit And Flesh-Eating Squirrel Of Old Regent's Park (0:20:41)

Steve reads out listener suggestions as to the 'perfect murder,' including using a leg of lamb in a Tales of the Unexpected-inspired killing and freezing someone's feet in water to drown them. The winner is Greg, who suggests covering a naked person in crushed biscuits while naked in a park, so they are then eaten to death by vampire squirrels. Greg gets wristbands to see Embrace. For the rest of the wristbands, listeners need to phone up and say they want to go.

10. Penkish Joke of the Week (0:24:36)

Steve gets to tell their one joke in the show ala Steve Penk and Capital Radio. The joke is: why are London buses red? You’d be red if you had to come every 10 minutes.

11. The Staples Come Out, Don't They? (0:25:30)

The boys announce who has won the rest of the Embrace wristbands and give details of where they can be collected. Ricky reads a letter from Tracy Mahoney complimenting him and Steve. Ricky then sets a question for listeners to win tickets to see The Jesus and Mary Chain: "What is Steve?"

12. You've Got Very Similar Gills (0:27:12)

Answers to the "What is Steve?" question have come in: "a lonely man," "alien sex fiend," "married to his sister," "murdering squirrel," "king of the insects," "a love machine" (made-up), "Jesus" and a "gabby git." The last two win the tickets.


Ricky’s Mum: Your language, my son!... You take it steady, I didn’t bring you up that way.
Ricky: Yeah, well I got it from you, you used to “F-“ and “C-“ all over the place when I was little.
Ricky’s Mum: No I didn’t!... You lying git.

Steve: “Gervay, ooo, I’ve gotta be Ricky Gervay. My mummy says it’s gotta be Ricky Gervay.”
Ricky: You don’t wanna get on the wrong side of her.

Ricky: Remember when you taught me to do the dustman’s blow when you hold one nostril and blow it all out the others?
Ricky’s Mum: You filthy animal!... He ain't half talking filthy.

Steve: You can take the mick, Gervais, at least I’m not scared of my mum.
Ricky: That’s because she’s your sister as well.


  • Steve also told his ice arrow murder weapon idea in the 26 January 2002 Xfm show.


Bernard Butler - A Change of Heart
Mock Turtles - Can You Dig It?
Faith No More - From Out Of Nowhere
Radiohead - No Surprises
Kenny Rogers - Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In)
Bran Van 3000 - Drinking In La
Jesus and Mary Chain - Black
PJ Harvey - Victory
Scope - Song for Bobby
Mudhoney - Night of the Hunted
Oasis - Some Might Say
Nirvana - On A Plain
Scott 4 - Your Kingdom to Dust
Pulp - Babies
Suede - We Are the Pigs
The Cure - Close to Me
Puff Daddy - Come With Me

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Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Others Claire Sturgess | Ian Camfield | Simon Pegg | Nick Frost
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Cheeky Freak of the Week | Do We Need 'Em? | More...