The Ricky Gervais Guide To... Law and Order
The Ricky Gervais Guide To...
The Ricky Gervais Guide To ...Law and Order is the second audiobook in the second season of the Guide To... series.
1. Introductions (0:00)
Ricky introduces the subject of Law and Order and the various arguments it inspires before introducing Steve Merchant - Award Winning Writer and Graduate of the University of Warick - and Karl Pilkington "look at that fucking head".
2. That was a racket (1:11)
Karl claims to not have an interest in law and order, but Ricky counter-argues this, reminding Karl about the times he has rung Ricky to complain about his noisy neighbours, nicknamed the ‘Good Fellas’ (after the gangsters, not the pizza company). This resulted in Karl moving to Hampstead as the police wouldn’t do anything about it. Ricky claims that he moved away because he couldn’t get any justice. He then expresses sympathy for people with hellish neighbours and bullies. Karl goes into a tangent about how it is noisier abroad than in London, complaining about the noise he experienced whilst in Majorca. Ricky argues that he should wear earplugs but Karl can then ‘hear the sound of his own heart’. Karl explains that he can’t escape noise as his ears can never close, but his eyes can close if they know that Karl won’t like the look of it. Ricky and Steve joke about this and tell Karl that his eyes are not making decisions for him. Ricky returns to the subject of law and order and about how the individual acts for justice.
3. Capital Punishment (6:49)
Steve brings up the subject of capital punishment and the electric chair. Ricky argues against it. Karl is asked for his opinion. He replies yes seemingly without consideration. Karl comes up with the idea of connecting the electric chair to a random household switch. Steve and Ricky laugh as Karl is talking about the practicalities of the electric chair, not the morality of it. Ricky realises that Karl is talking about the integrity of the person who kills the criminal. Steve returns to Karl’s opinion, Karl argues it should be last resort after warning them, comparing it with bees. Ricky counter-argues that it would only act as a deterrent if the crime is pre-planned, it wouldn’t work for crimes of passion.
4. Mars Bars (10:44)
Karl talks about how he used to nick Mars bars as a kid. He explains that Mars bars were expensive as a kid, but he knew he wouldn’t go to jail for stealing one. He concludes that the ‘the stakes were high, the risks were low’. Steve laughs at Karl for trying to sound cool. Ricky clarifies that Karl meant the gains were high and the risks were low. But he argues that it’s worse getting caught as a kid. Karl reveals to Ricky and Steve that he stole the Mars bars from his paper-round boss. They chide Karl for doing so. Karl justifies that if he bought the Mars bars to get the energy needed to do his job, he would only get 5p from his wage so it was alright to nick them. Ricky disagrees saying it wasn’t the right thing to do. He uses the analogy of stealing uranium from a nuclear power plant. Steve laughs and comments on the strangeness of the analogy.
5. Tickets Please (15:20)
Ricky states that he never stole anything as he wants to have a clear conscious. Steve tells Karl and Ricky about how he used to buy tube tickets until he realised that there were no barriers and no-one checked the tickets. However after a month of not purchasing a ticket, he got caught by a ticket inspector. Stephen suggests that shame stops people from committing crimes apart from, he teases, Karl.
6. Alert Level - Severe, Punishment - Genocide (17:33)
Steve presents the debate about what would stop a person from committing a crime if they could get anyway with it in a ‘godless universe’. Ricky retorts that there is no God and he is a good person, not because he’s going to be rewarded when he dies but because he wants to be known as a good person in society. Ricky reads out a Baptist Christian forum about the Ten Commandments. A poster provides a ‘handy colour chart’ to the Ten Commandments. Punishment ranges from genocide to despisement and scorn. Ricky and Stephen mock the extremism of the poster and the punishments he assigns to each commandment. Going through the Ten Commandments, Ricky concludes that he is an amazing Christian, even though he's an atheist.
7. Being Bruce and Steve (24:35)
Karl mentions he opens Bruce’s (the previous flat-owner) mail. Ricky asks if it was important, Karl replies that it was just from the tattooist. Karl talks about thinking what it would be like to be someone else and if he would enjoy being Bruce. Ricky asks what he found out. Karl admits that he put up Bruce’s cards in his flat and that one of the neighbours thinks he is called Bruce. Ricky remembers when a pub landlord thought he was called Steve for two years (not Steve Merchant).
8. The Height of Sophistication (28:25)
In the same pub, Ricky met a bank robber who had performed a heist with three partners in crime years ago. One day, the robber told him to identify his accomplices in the pub, which Ricky did easily due to the bling and sheepskin coats they were wearing. Steve confesses that he was scared of being mugged when he first moved to London. So he took to carrying a fake wallet and then later two fake wallets, full of old library cards and small amounts of money.
9. Golden Idiots (30:58)
Ricky talks about how he was the victim of a sting several years ago. Someone used his personal details to buy £200,000 worth of gold bullion. Luckily his money was returned, the criminals were caught and he went to the CID to show his passport. The CID inspector then showed Ricky the passport the conmen was going to use to collect the gold bullion. They had simply obtained a fake passport and stuck a picture of David Brent from The Office in it.
10. Of Alarms and Pipes (35:00)
Karl complains that everyone is taking money off him due to repairs. He goes on to talk about a phone call to a security company, who wanted to charge Karl £400 a year to install an alarm system. Ricky recalls how he called an emergency plumber to fix a dripping tap. The plumber couldn’t fix it, so Ricky asked his brother for what he should try next. After crushing the pipe and having to help the plumber to do so as he was too weak to do it himself, the plumber charged him £180. Ricky decided to employ sarcasm with the plumber, which washed over him.
11. Hostage Situation (38.58)
Ricky tells Karl about a security man that was assigned to him whilst he was in LA. He was a LA policeman who was armed and part of the SWAT team. One night, he had to leave Ricky to deal with a hostage situation and negotiate with the hostage taker. The security man explained to Ricky how he deals with that kind of situation. Ricky asks Karl if he was impressed. Karl states that it was like any other job. Ricky creates a hostage scenario and challenges Karl to try and stop him. Karl doesn’t do very well to the amusement of Ricky and Stephen.
“My ears seem to be interested in everything, even if I’m not." Karl
“You don’t turn away and then you’re going ‘what was that?’ and your eyes are going ‘you don’t wanna know’.” Ricky
“Nature’s done it in a way with bees. They’ve gone ‘We’ll give you a weapon, but if you use it, you die.’” Karl
“A Mars a day helps to work rest and steal” Ricky
“People were walking by and then I’m being told off by a woman who’s at least a foot and half shorter than me wearing a uniform” Stephen
“We haven’t even got to ‘thou shalt not kill yet’ and yet he’s killed everyone so far“ Ricky
"I don't think you can have a state that shows that sort of violence against an individual, whatever they've done, and expect people to accept the very code and morality of treating people equally and not showing violence towards them." Ricky
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