The Ricky Gervais Guide To... The Earth
The Ricky Gervais Guide To...
The Ricky Gervais Guide To ...The Earth is the fifth and last audiobook in the second season of Guide To... series and was released on the 23rd of February
1. Why Is It Called The Earth? (0:00:00)
The Show starts with Ricky performing a small microphone test, before it can be introduced though, Karl starts to question why we call the Earth, 'The Earth' and not simply the world. He cannot comprehend how it would not work due to there being several worlds, but only one Earth. Ricky tests which words Karl does like. He doesn't like the word 'route' yet is happy with the chair you sit on. The chairman of a meeting however should be called chief. Karl tells us about the tribe who only counts to three.
2. Introductions (0:04:44)
Ricky talks about the Earth, it's past and how human interact with it, is global warming an issue? He then introduces himself, Steven Merchant, "Award winning writer and graduate of the university of Warwick" and Karl Pilkington "Look at his little neck the c**t!"
3. It's Iced Up (0:05:43)
Steve has been hit by global warming. When he went to America his plane couldn't take off because it needed de-icing. Getting to Los Angeles, land of sunshine, it rained the entire time. Over there he rented a Mercedes convertible, couldn't be used though due to the rain. Some of Steve's friends brought girls into the car, who instantly complained about the leg room on his expensive car.
4. Something Will Sit On It (0:09:50)
Ricky talks about the Big Bang and the creation of the Earth at the very beginning. Steve however wants Karl to take over the story. He reckons it just floated there for a while as there was no one to make it move, which is a problem these days. He believes if you leave something long enough, something will sit on it. To him it is like Penicillin, it was left around for a while so the air created the "greenness" and once you have that it leads to "otherness". But at this time there is only little patches of greenness on the earth. Ricky states that all the factors were right yet Karl believes that it wouldn't matter, something else would have evolved from the conditions. For example on Pluto the creatures that would appear would have big eyes and be hairy in Karl's mind. People are now living in basements, which is only one step away from being "moleish". Auntie Nora doesn't want double glazing as she doesn't want to have a bell.
5. The Good Days Are Gone (0:18:15)
Karl doesn't recycle because he thinks the world is out, but there is nothing you can do for it. Karl links this to old people who died because they stopped smoking, what would happen to the world if you cut off pollution? Karl talks about finding human excrement down an alleyway by where he used to live, yet now he has a better house he finds better rubbish.
6. They'd Done It Before (0:22:18)
Ricky starts a little scenario where he runs a U-Bend Company and needs his workers to come in for work. One of his worker's calls in to tell him that they cannot make it into work, to which Karl tells them they are fired, another worker also calls in to try and enforce Ricky's point, who Karl also decides to fire.
7. Is Your Sofa Fag-Proof? (0:25:40)
Ricky asks Karl if he recycles, Karl reveals he gives some of his old clothes to Oxfam. But he doesn’t separate his rubbish into paper, glass etc, he just chucks it straight in the bin. Karl tells them about the time he tried to get rid of a sofa. The council wouldn’t take it, so Karl gave it to charity. Karl explains that he was annoyed about the hassle he got from the charity, over whether it was suitable or not to give away.
8. You Can Sleep On The Spongy Bit (0:29:00)
Karl remembers when he moved into his first flat in Manchester and he ordered a bed. The bed arrived and after Karl set it all up, he realised that there was no mattress. He called his dad up for help and his dad sent him around to Uncle Alf’s, who had a mattress in his van. Karl set up the bed with the mattress, but Suzanne noticed that the mattress stank of diesel and oil. So Karl had to fly-tip it behind a supermarket, near the bins. Stephen asks why he didn’t go to the tip, Karl's excuse was there was a massive queue at the tip.
9. Up To My Shoulders (0:35:23)
Karl talks about the Polish worker who was re-tiling the bathroom. The worker put the excess grout in the toilet. Ricky and Stephen are unsympathetic, telling him to just stick his hand down the toilet. Karl moans about the time a worker poured cement into a drain and caused water to flood all over the place. Karl tried to get the worker to sort it out, but he was away in Cyprus, so Karl had to get rid of the ‘glunge’. Karl states that if he hadn't done that, he would have upset a dolphin.
10. Dolphins (0:37:59)
Karl: It was bad where I was as well. Ricky: Do you know how bad it was here? You come around and drive my fucking car cause I’m snowed in, you fucking calling me a cunt. And I’ll tell you if you fire me, I’ll take you to tribunal you bald headed wanker! Karl: Right you’re fired anyway for that. Ricky: You’re in fucking trouble then.
Stephen: They’re not thinking some fuck-wit might buy it without the mattress.
Karl: Now back then I wasn’t as wise as I am now. *Ricky and Steve laugh* Ricky: What was he? Some snot in a jar?
Karl: I go to the bed man to get bed advice.
Karl: I was up to my shoulders, Steve, in glunge.
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