The Ricky Gervais Guide To... The Human Body

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The Ricky Gervais Guide To...
Series Two
Episode List


  1. Guide to... Society
  2. Guide to... Law and Order
  3. Guide to... The Future
  4. Guide to... The Human Body
  5. Guide to... The Earth

The Ricky Gervais Guide To ...The Human Body is the fourth audiobook in the second season of the Guide To... series and was released on the 26th of January.

Track Listing

1. Introductions (0:00)

Ricky introduces the subject of the human body and the complexity of it before introducing Steve Merchant - Award Winning Writer and Graduate of the University of Warick - and Karl Pilkington "who's good at cleaning windows with his tongue"

2. But Was It His Fault? (1:28)

Ricky tells Karl about how cells are constantly replaced apart from the brain cells. He throws out the debate if your brain is placed into a different person, would you still be the same person? Ricky argues that if you lose your memory then you could become a completely different person. Stephen gives an example about a friend of a friend’s girlfriend who lost all her memories due to a car accident and how they split up because she went through a complete personality change. Karl asked if it was his fault, Ricky asked him what that had to do with it. Karl argues that if it was his fault, the woman wouldn’t be willing to stay with him. Steve tells Karl that it wasn’t his fault and tries to explain that the woman went through a type of amnesia, before giving up.

3. I Like Tic Tacs Me (3:47)

Karl talks about the idea that you only remember the interesting times. Ricky askes when was the last time he reminisced. Karl mentions that his parents were around recently and they were talking about his childhood. One memory was the time his dad got crate loads of Tic Tacs when Karl mentioned that he liked them. Ricky and Steve laugh about the amount of Tic Tacs he ate and how it was an unexceptional memory. Karl goes on to explain ways he tried to get rid of them, including giving them away at school and putting them in the cat litter. But he would still find them around the house as he was vacuuming ‘tinging its way up the tube’. Ricky and Steve crack up and tease Karl further about his banal memory and the Tic Tacs. Karl tries to justify his memory, but Ricky and Steve continue to laugh at him.

4. It's Got To Be Trauma Innit? (8:30)

Karl retorts by asking what they remembered, much to the amusement of Ricky and Stephen. Steve asks why people don’t remember the early years of their lives. Karl suggests that it was trauma and announces that his earliest memory was at 6. Ricky expresses disbelief at this before Karl replies that even his parents don’t remember him when he was a baby. Stephen reveals his earliest memory was of being on the potty; Karl doesn’t remembering using a potty. Ricky quips that Karl probably used the cat litter box as a toilet. Steve askes Karl what was his first memory. Karl replies that it was when his eyes were glued together whilst in bed. Ricky laughs at him whilst Steve learns he remembered this because he thought he was going blind. Karl theories it was due to trauma which, Ricky and Steve point out, contradicts what he said earlier causing them to chuckle.

5. Presentation Is 90% Of What Goes On Now In This World (11:58)

Karl talks about his theory of vision and how it controls everything you do. He suggests that blind people are brainier because they can’t see rubbish telly. Steve argues that you learn a lot of information from what you see. Karl counter-argues that your eyes are drawn towards interesting things such as nicely presented food. Ricky retorts that the only reason he chooses food because he knows what it tastes like. Karl remembers a time he bought a sweet pastry because of how it looks and was disappointed in it. Ricky claims that Karl is strange. Karl gives another example; a holiday brochure always makes the destination look nicer than it really is. Steve notices that Karl is disembodying the eyes from the brain and proceeds to counter-argues Karl’s theory, whilst mocking him.

6. Let's Have A Game of Knobopoly (16:47)

Ricky goes on to talk about a textbook he got when he was a teenager about the human body. Ricky reads out a passage entitled ‘Homosexuality Activities’, which explains anal sex and fisting, which can cause ‘gay bowel’ syndrome. He asks Karl for his opinion on the subject. Karl replies that it was going to do damage, comparing it to overfilling a carrier bag. Steve tells them about a ‘fact’ he was told by a guy at a party, who claims that you could insert a fist into the rectum and eventually, if you carry on, you could touch the person’s heart. Ricky quickly calls the fact ‘bollocks’ and Steve jokes about approaching the wife with this fact. The man was so convinced about this fact that he looked it up on a computer at this party, which caused Steve to tell him to delete it. Ricky remarks that surely it’s quicker to touch the heart via the mouth. Karl is asked for his thoughts about gay people. Karl finds them confusing although he has nothing against them. He talks about a gay magazine called ‘Boyz’ he flicked through whilst waiting for a doctor’s appointment. It was full of naked models and puns, such as ‘Suckcocko’ for Sudoku. Ricky and Steve joke about the various games they could rename for the gay market.

7. There's A Time And A Place To Get Lost (27:25)

Karl brings up the subject of weird fetishes and proclaims people who engage in those kinds of activities as ‘divs’. Ricky thinks that Karl is more intelligent than he appears, but he wasn’t favoured in the brain department. When asked for his thoughts on this, Karl replies that it’s probably one side of his brain that’s letting down the intelligent side of his brain. Karl goes on to talk about instinct, bringing up the time he got lost in London when he first moved into his new flat. Stephen reminds Karl that he mentioned how he enjoyed being lost in the past. Karl retorts that there is ‘a time and a place to be lost’, to Ricky and Steve’s bemusement. Ricky brings up the time when Karl got lost in a field of nettles, due to reading a book and not paying attention. He waited for an hour and a half until his dad came to rescue him.

8. Mrs Battersby (34:03)

Karl remembers when he stayed in a house in Cornwall as a kid, where he talked to an old lady called Mrs Battersby during the night. Karl’s mum asked why Karl was tired in the morning, when he admitted he was talking to Mrs Battersby, his mum inadvertently revealed that Mrs Battersby didn’t exist. Karl believes that Mrs Battersby was a ghost. However, Karl doesn’t remember this and was reminded of the incident by his mum. Ricky and Stephen tease Karl and call his memory false as ghosts don’t exist. Karl gives an example of the time he ate a beetle because he thought it was a piece of liquorice, and how he remembered because his parents told him about it. Ricky tells Stephen about the time Karl mistook a blob of wasabi for a large mushy pea. Karl concludes that the house was strange, as there was no TV in there and all he had for company was a calculator.

9. It's Just The Eyes (39:44)

Ricky gives Karl a list of statistics about the human body. One fact is ‘50,000 of the cells in your body will die and be replaced with new cells all while you are listening to this sentence.’ Karl gets confused and waits for Ricky to give the sentence. Karl thinks that the skin makes the person what they are, without it you are just a skeleton. He goes on to talk about a Body exhibition he visited; Karl felt that every skeleton looked the same. From that comment, Ricky states that’s why racism is ignorant, before Karl admits that he thought most of the skeletons looked Chinese. Karl believes that the skin helps to differentiate between people.

10. The Most Sensitive Area (43:23)

Steve goes on to list the properties of skin and Ricky provides additional facts on the skin. One fact is that in one square inch of skin has 4 yards of nerve fibres, 1,300 nerve cells, 100 sweat glands and 3 yards of blood vessels. Karl states that he would shorten the nerves. Ricky and Steve assume that the most sensitive area is the tip of the penis. Karl thinks it’s unnecessary for it to be so sensitive, Ricky points out that the penis is sensitive for sexual pleasure. Ricky tries to explain it to him, but Karl gets confused and Steve jokes that Ricky lost him when he tried to explain how babies were made.

11. Look At His Head (45:57)

Ricky tells Karl that every human being has spent half an hour of their life as a single cell. Karl says he would hate being a single cell and questions whether people need to know that. Karl asks Ricky what he thinks when he learns that fact. Ricky answers that it’s remarkable. Karl remarks that he’s surprised that there isn’t more weird stuff, for example more people with two heads. Karl wants the world to be more like Total Recall. Steve comments on how Karl seems to be constantly bored with the world.

12. To The Point That I Don't Know That It's An Elephant (48:50)

Ricky talks about how scientists believe there are 20 million undiscovered species. Karl is annoyed that they have missed species of larger animals, such as elephants and llamas. Steve and Ricky point out that the scientists don’t realised that there are missing species. Karl then rants about how a slight difference in an animal is not worth noting, it has to be a significant difference. Steve highlights his contradiction from the earlier point he made. Ricky argues that everyone is related, which Karl firmly disagrees with. Ricky talks about the genetic connections within the family. Karl reveals there are cousins he doesn’t talk to. Karl remembers that his dad suggested he should do ‘Who do You Think You Are’, Karl feels that it brings up too many problems. Karl concludes that people know enough now, and any additional information can only cause problems. Karl proceeds to moan about environmentalists, who post leaflets through his door telling him to turn his lights off.



“Do you see what I mean? So that was what my point was, not because he was… *sighes*” Stephen

“I can’t remember being a baby, and I put that down to being boring” Karl

“‘What’s his breath like?’ ‘Fucking lovely but he’s been sick all over the cunting place’” Ricky

“‘Do you remember when Karl was, uh, 6?’ ‘Of course I do.’ ‘5?’ ‘Yeah’ ‘4?’ ‘Errhh yeah.’ ‘3?’ ‘No. ‘2?’ ‘No!’” Ricky

Ricky: Its tinging its way up the tube.

Ricky & Steve: Its tinging its way up the tube.

Ricky: Ting Tong Ping Pong.

Ricky & Steve: Its tinging its way up the tube.

“Let us never speak of the Tic Tac Incident” Stephen

“‘Do you remember when Karl was, uh, 6?’ ‘Of course I do.’ ‘5?’ ‘Yeah’ ‘4?’ ‘Errhh yeah.’ ‘3?’ ‘No. ‘2?’ ‘No!’” Ricky

“You don’t see that many disappointed blind people” Karl

“I’m not going ‘Whay, I’ll book that!’ And then two weeks later I get there ‘I can’t believe it, I’m fucking disappointed. Ears, what do you make of it?’ ‘Well, I’m livid cause I can hear some fucking racket’ ” Stephen

“I don’t know why they like looking at knobs when they’ve got one of their own” Karl

“I think you need them in your fingers cause you’re picking up hot stuff. But I have never put my knob somewhere that I’ve thought 'I didn’t feel that.' ” Karl.


See Also

External Links

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