Series 1 Episode 12

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Disclaimer: This summary is not intended as a substitute or replacement for this podcast or material such as The World of Karl Pilkington, rather it is intended as an archive for reference on its content and information surrounding it.

Podcast Series 1
December 2005 - February 2006
List of episodes


  1. Series 1 Episode 1 - 5 December 2005
  2. Series 1 Episode 2 - 12 December 2005
  3. Series 1 Episode 3 - 19 December 2005
  4. Series 1 Episode 4 - 26 December 2005
  5. Series 1 Episode 5 - 2 January 2006
  6. Series 1 Episode 6 - 9 January 2006
  7. Series 1 Episode 7 - 16 January 2006
  8. Series 1 Episode 8 - 23 January 2006
  9. Series 1 Episode 9 - 30 January 2006
  10. Series 1 Episode 10 - 6 February 2006
  11. Series 1 Episode 11 - 13 February 2006
  12. Series 1 Episode 12 - 20 February 2006

Track Listing

1. Final of Twelve (0:00)

It's the last free one, but they're continuing next week for a small fee. Ricky tries a bit of admin and he and Steve remind the listeners that Karl needs the money. The boys have just had their photo taken for the Guinness Book of World Records for the most downloaded podcast. Karl's not bothered, but is impressed by the fella with the most ear hair. That's commitment. People ask for a signed picture of Karl's head. Karl has a head like a fucking orange.

2. If You Do It Once, They Expect It Every Year (4:29)

They are making their way through the emails. What's the most romantic thing Karl has done for Suzanne? Luckily she was ill on Valentine's Day. Karl's advice is "Treat 'em when they deserve it". He once dragged her to the supermarket when she had a fever, suggesting she stay in the frozen foods aisle. How would Karl chat up a woman in a bar? The story of how Karl and Suzanne met, and that she's never asked for the 20p back that she lent him for hot chocolate. Karl is 40p up. Ricky tries to explain to Karl why a he and a lion wouldn't understand each other for such different frames of reference. A worm underground has nothing to offer Karl. If Karl was to have a go at God, he'd say He added too much water. Fish have more rights than us.

3. I'd Just Chuck Meself Into the Salt Pot (12:18)

Ricky asks Karl what he thinks it's like being a crab and then a slug. Karl's never read Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis (surprise, surprise) but Steve discusses it with Karl. If Karl was a normal-sized beetle, he'd ingratiate himself with the rest of the beetles. He wouldn't feel bad shagging a beetle if he were one. You've got to get on with it. A slug is always on its own, it's a lonely insect. Next it's on to what Karl would do if he were a baby wasp in a spider. Karl would try to sleep.

4. Ramblings of a Maniac (18:13)

Time for Karl's Diary. Karl thought of a tongue twister after spotting a happy homeless fella: If you can't treat a cheerful tramp, what sort of tramp can you treat. If it was Karl's last day, he'd be worried and just stay in rather than going to a fair. The fair option amuses Steve. Ricky shares again that he thinks if we knew we were going to die in our sleep, we'd just live life to the fullest and everything would be great. Karl thinks people don't die in their sleep anymore. In the diary Karl was flying to Malaga to visit his mam and dad. He went out for a drink with a cousin who lives there who he hasn't seen for 27 years. He doesn't talk to his dad about history because they reckon something similar has happened more recently. An island in the Indian Ocean where tribesmen are still living like cavemen. Karl speculates that perhaps modern life existed far into the past. The tribesmen wave their tackle about when they want you to leave.

5. Press the Right Button and Do Summat! (24:38)

Monkey News and Steve is getting annoyed with the particularly robust jingle. Karl wants to retire the feature; all the news has been done. There's an update on the first Monkey News from Episode 1. The monkey could never get that high again, even when he tried to get a band together. This monkey was Ham and another was Enos. When Enos went up, the buttons were reversed, but fortunately he knew it wasn't right. He became part of the "chimponauts" who lived in a retirement home with a museum where they could reminisce about their adventures. Karl has some inspiring words to close Monkey News.

6. That's Science for You (29:59)

This podcast was hosted by Positive Internet. Next week a brand new one for a small fee. Karl needs something more than nothing. You've got to have an end to have another beginning.


Steve: ... I was wondering how Karl would interpret this famous saying. The quote is "If a lion could talk, we could not understand him".
Karl: Even if he's English?

Karl: But what I mean is.. I don't know what I mean.

Ricky: It's official, there's two buttons on this space ship: Banana Dispenser, and Everything Else.

Karl: But just 'cause I'm not doing the news, look it up. It's all out there. Don't be ignorant.

External Links


Episode available for purchase via iTunes or Amazon (via The Pilkipedia Shop)
Do not inquire about free downloads.

Series 1 | Series 2 | Series 3 | Series 5
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Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Karl's Diary | All...