Series 1 Episode 9

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Disclaimer: This summary is not intended as a substitute or replacement for this podcast or material such as The World of Karl Pilkington, rather it is intended as an archive for reference on its content and information surrounding it.

Podcast Series 1
December 2005 - February 2006
List of episodes


  1. Series 1 Episode 1 - 5 December 2005
  2. Series 1 Episode 2 - 12 December 2005
  3. Series 1 Episode 3 - 19 December 2005
  4. Series 1 Episode 4 - 26 December 2005
  5. Series 1 Episode 5 - 2 January 2006
  6. Series 1 Episode 6 - 9 January 2006
  7. Series 1 Episode 7 - 16 January 2006
  8. Series 1 Episode 8 - 23 January 2006
  9. Series 1 Episode 9 - 30 January 2006
  10. Series 1 Episode 10 - 6 February 2006
  11. Series 1 Episode 11 - 13 February 2006
  12. Series 1 Episode 12 - 20 February 2006

A few retro cuts: a throw back to Do We Need 'Em and Liam (Horse in the House kid) comes up, along with some Monkey News.

Track Listing

1. If I Had a Quid (0:00)

Ricky opens the show reiterating the fact that the podcasts are free. He ponders the alternative of charging for them and Steve right away jumps on him saying he should have in the first place. Downloads have reached 2 million and 6,000 e-mails have been sent in. Ricky thanks fans for sending in a pictures, one has Karl as Bruce Willis. Steve begins reading e-mails. Karl is asked who he would save in a life or death situation, Ricky or Steve. Karl stammers through the answer and Rick and Steve vie for their rescue. Steve brings up his generosity, but it backfires, and Karl brings up an argument over coffee and a keg of lager. Karl brings up the camera that he got from Xfm as another example. Karl does not want to say who'd he save and says he will post something on Ricky's website about it.

2. Lemoncake vs. Knob Juice (5:30)

It's time for Karl's Diary. Steve begins to read. This week Karl talks about food and how he would not eat something if it looked bad alive (e.g. octopus). Ricky agrees. Karl doubts the value of Ricky's drawing of Karl's head. Karl references a painting of a crying boy that caused 'houses to burn down in the 1980's.' Karl then proposes and idea to rid homelessness, and disses hedgehogs. Karl brings up an event at Ricky's where he didn't wash his hands. He and Ricky then debate about who's hands are cleaner. Karl confirms he'd rather have lemoncake crumbs on his head than knob juice. Karl feels bad for aiding a blind man towards the bathroom on a train. As the segment ends, Ricky is baffled.

3. Face Transplant (9:34)

Ricky and Steve formulate the image of Paul "The Party Animal" Parker who has sent in an news item. A Croatian lumberjack believes that a female kidney has made him more feminine. Steve and Ricky immediately default to Karl because he probably carries a similar belief when it comes to medicine. Karl jumps on the topic of face transplants. He believes people should have choice in a face transplant rather than take what's on offer. Karl at least wants to see the face before he gets it. Steve is amazed at this world Karl has created. Karl is then faced with the million dollar question: who's face would he have, Ricky or Steve's if they were the only options. Karl isn't satisfied with either.

4. Apache Head (14:14)

Another e-mail is sent in asking Karl what important life lesson he would teach a child. Karl believes that children should learn things on their own. He cites a kid who's mom was a rum 'un (the kid was also the one who had a Horse in the House). He was born good looking, but as he aged he looked rough and chased cars. Karl then brings up how he nearly killed a man by blindly throwing a rock off the edge of a cliff. This taught him not to chuck rocks off high places. This coins the mantra "You live and you learn".

5. Do We Need 'Em? (18:20)

Listeners request Karl to explain how he met Suzanne. Karl goes off on a tangent about a Chinese proverbs: "Too many Chinese cooks spoil the broth". Ricky relates to the quote by saying "A camel is a horse designed by a committee". Karl is intrigued. Who requested the 'ump bit? Karl then launches into a Do We Need Em-like tirade, saying camels were good in the Jesus times, but now we've moved on. Ricky lists animals that Karl can improve. The octopus would get more of a body, less arms, and more bones. The giraffe isn't really adding enough to the world, so it doesn't get any consideration. Karl declares himself Noah, and would wipe out all the animals that are "doubling up". Ricky challenges the notion of Noah. Oh, and Karl met Suzanne at work.

6. Monkey Air (23:42)

Ricky announces Monkey News. Karl sets the scene: an airline has a lack of pilots due to a strike. A manager of the airline is able to fly a plane with a help from his son and a certain co-pilot. Some how they managed to get someone past the picket lines to help fly the plane. Since it's the only plane flying, it's very successful. In addition, the flight is brilliant and everyone is loving it! It's a great experience. Things are going great until one day a woman on the plane wanted a bag of nuts. For some reason, the airline stopped giving out the nuts. Despite not being able to complain about the flight, she wants some nuts. Earlier she saw a bag of nuts being delivered to the cockpit. She storms the cockpit and there's a monkey sat there with headphones.

7. The End (29:01)

Ricky wraps up the podcast asking people to register at his website. He says they may one day animate all the Monkey News'. The show ends.


Steve: You were saying "Let's give sommat free back to the fans!" and I said "It's not worth it, they don't deserve it!"

Karl: This got run over before, 'ere, stick this on your head.

Karl: I'm surprised your asking this though, Steve

Karl: He 'ad a-patchy head.
Ricky:What do you mean, he had a head like a North American Indian?

Karl: Let it drown.

Karl: Little monkey sat there with headphones on Ricky: (quickly) Fucking bollocks


  • Karl's For-And-Against saving Steve or Ricky that he said he would do never surfaced on Ricky's website
  • Karl brings up an octopus going into a jar which is a reference to an interview he conducted on 04 January 2003.

External Links


Episode available for purchase via iTunes or Amazon (via The Pilkipedia Shop)
Do not inquire about free downloads.

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Presenters Ricky Gervais | Stephen Merchant | Karl Pilkington
Features Monkey News | Rockbusters | Karl's Diary | All...